Chapters Applejack Balances Her Books
The Element of Honesty sat patiently at a desk with three stacks of papers, several loose scrolls and a half-empty mug of cider. Propping up her face with one of her front hooves and feeding herself with an apple with the other, Applejack slowly examined an unfurled scroll filled with names and figures. A weary frown overtook her face as she tallied some, but not all, of the numbers up in her mind.
Outside her office---a small room that was neatly tucked away in the attic of the farmhouse, never used for more than a few days of the year---the first snow of the winter began to fall. Applejack, distracted by the beautiful white flakes, momentarily let her attention drift to the clouds outside and the year behind her. This was a good fall, she thought. Even with that Film Flam madness Sweet Apple Acres had a marvelous cider season. In fact, if her math was correct, this may have been the highest grossing year for Sweet Apple Acres since they began keeping records.
Of course, mathematics has never been her forte. Applejack looked away from the window to the bookcase next to her desk. It was a simple piece of furniture, but it was sturdy and had lasted almost as long as Granny Smith has been alive. After they had secured the farm and the crops started growing, the pioneer ponies who founded Ponyville built these first bookshelves in this very room so they could begin to record their history. However, these histories were nothing like those on Twilight Sparkle's shelves. They had no epic tales of princesses doing battle in the heavens or mythical creatures spilling forth from the gates of Tartarus. These shelves contained records. Names, numbers, simply facts organized as best as the busy farmers could in their spare time.
Applejack's gaze fell on one of the last volumes on the bottom shelf. Like the bookshelf, it was simple and unadorned. Yet to Applejack this book was more important than the one that taught them how Nightmare Moon could be defeated for, beyond facts, these shelves contained memories. For a moment, the tired orange pony closed her eyes and thought of the record keepers who penned that last book on the shelf. The mulled cider, warm in her stomach, reminded her of a warmth that she instinctively longed for in this cold little nook. She fought back the urge to open that volume to the one page that she has memorized the location of.
Unceremoniously but carefully buried within sales figures, dates and crop rotation records on that page were the words "we welcomed our second foal into Ponyville; her name is Applejack".
While Applejack was drifting away a small draft drifted into her small attic room. Torn from her memories, Applejack snapped to attention, slightly embarrassed but also relieved that her friends were not here to see her being more sentimental than she'd like them to see. Get 'er together, AJ, she thought to herself, ain't no time ta' waste willy-nilly-in' over some old books.
The Element of Honesty didn't always tell the truth, especially to herself.
Finishing the apple in her hoof, Applejack tidied the papers blown out of order by the draft and close the crack in the window. It was hard enough sorting through all these receipts with them in perfect order.
After her workspace was once again in the semi-chaotic yet perfectly functional mess, Applejack went back to her scroll. She lost track of where she was so she started from the beginning, reading off the names of wholesalers across Equestria and the amount of apples they purchased in the last year. As she tallied up the numbers she winced slightly; something didn't add up. The farm grew 438 barrels worth of red delicious apples last year, but only 437 barrels were accounted for.
Carefully, Applejack once again went through the list of wholesalers. After that, she looked back at the records of pastries made. Granny Smith, not being the most organized of ponies, had some rather chaotic records. Pie-making records alone were scattered through thirteen different sheets of paper. While Applejack shuffled and shifted the papers she made hasty calculations and marks with a quill in her hoof. One wrong move and ink and paper would fly everywhere.
Of course, it was at that point that a loud banging came from below.
"Applejack! Ya' done yet? Ah wanna play!"
Fortunately, the bottle of ink Applejack just dipped her quill into stayed upright. However, ink from her newly rearmed quill flew all over her desk. New marks appeared in her scratch work and it looked like a squid ninja sliced the farm's fritter-making tallies neatly in half. Nothing she couldn't fix---or ignore. Well, nothing, except for the apple she was saving for a snack. It was covered in ink and now completely unsafe for pony consumption.
It was also a red delicious.
Applejack swung around towards the back of the room. There it was: a large basket of red delicious. She had saved a barrel of apples to snack on while balancing her books and, with all that was left afterwards, make a special batch of jam for Pinkie Pie's Winter Wrap Up wrap up party.
"AJ? You there?" Apple Bloom opened the trapdoor and poked her little head out, looking around for her big sister.
"Hey there, lil' sis! Nope. Not done yet! Why don'tcha go play wit' Scootaloo an' Sweetie Belle?"
"Okay! You comin' down for dinner?"
"Of course, Apple Bloom! Y'all go have fun now, ya hear? Oh, yeah, thanks lil' sis!"
"For what?" Apple Bloom was confused, but since she was already halfway to the door at that point she didn't really want to investigate further.
Applejack turned back to her monumental task and smiled, once again glad that her little sister is always there to help with farm chores. Even the most unpleasant one.
Applejack Balances Her Books
As Applejack filled out the columns in her book, she couldn't help but think that she was forgetting something. The nagging feeling turned into real pain, however, when she realized what she was forgetting. Underneath the latest receipt that she entered into her records was a stack of forms labeled Canterlot Revenue Annual Paperwork.
"Taxes!" exclaimed Applejack, bringing a forehoof to her forehead in frustration.
Deep underneath, Applejack had no issues paying her taxes. After all somepony has to pay to provide the "free" education Ponyville Elementary provided Apple Bloom, to maintain the roads between her farm and Ponyville proper, and to make sure that the brass band is ready in case another horde of parasprites attacked Ponyville. But the forms! Oh Celestia the forms!
In theory, taxes are simple. Say, Rainbow Dash gets paid a certain number of bits every year by the Ponyville City Hall to lead the weather team. She then pays a percentage of those bits to Canterlot and a smaller percentage to Ponyville so the Princesses and the mayor can provide vital services to Equestrian and Ponyville. For example, raising and lowering the sun and moo.
However, just like how Rainbow Dash is a very straightforward pony, her tax situation is also very straightforward. Pinkie Pie has a slightly more complicated situation: since her living space was provided by her employer she has to fill out a special form that calculated what she owe to Canterlot Revenue once her living costs and rent were quantified and properly taxed. Of course---and Applejack winced at this---Pinkie Pie never filled out said form, mostly out of a lack of attention span. Pinkie Pie doing her taxes, can you imagine?
It gets even more complicated with ponies like Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle. Being Princess Celestia's favorite student and Princess Luna's first friend in a thousand years did not exempt Twilight Sparkle from filling out the dreaded Canterlot Revenue Annual Paperwork. In fact, it meant that she had to fill out more forms since she was a student and had a complicated living/working situation that spanned both Canterlot and Ponyville. Thankfully, Twilight liked filling out forms.
Ironically, Fluttershy's tax situation was even more complicated despite not technically having a job. Every year, she had to get her animal friends to testify that the services she provided to the animals of Ponyville were in fact not for profit (and often times free). Since almost all her work was done on a bartering system quantifying her income and expenses every year was practically a nightmare.
Every year Fluttershy's animal friends spend days helping her with her tax forms, each animal lending her their specific strength. Angel bunny was an expert at proofreading, making sure everything was perfect; the squirrels and chipmunks filed and organized, climbing through bookshelves expertly; the ducks say around and quacked since they were not very good with office work. Most importantly, the elephant remembered everything.
Yet of all her friends, only the complexity of Rarity's tax intricacies rivaled Applejack's. Being the owner of a successful business Rarity had to be organized and attentive to detail, both thankfully being among the unicorn's many positive traits. Through the year, Rarity recorded every sale, kept every invoice from every supplier and smoothed out every irregularity in her accounts like a steamy iron preparing a ream of cotton for her artistic touch. However successful Rarity's business was, though, it was a simple single pony proprietorship compared to the conglomerate that was Sweet Apple Acres.
With both retail and wholesale stretching across Ponyville, Canterlot, Cloudsdale and even Appleloosa, Sweet Apple Acres was a giant in the agricultural industry. Apples, of course, were not the only things the family sold. There were pastries, jams, and ciders (in three different varieties: original, mulled, and sparkling). In addition to all the tax irregularities that arose from a major business, Applejack ran a farm. That meant that she was entitled to a menagerie of refunds and exceptions, as long as she also paid for the appropriate licenses and filled out another mountain of paperwork.
The most frustrating thing for Applejack was that she wasn't willing to lie. There were no rounding, no omissions, only facts. Applejack stubbornly insisted that every single entry had to be perfect and refused to be a single bit off. She knew that she could have easily lied: the Canterlot Revenue Enforcement Agents Ministry had enough on their hooves with the fancy ponies of Canterlot and Manehatten lying through their teeth, omitting millions of bits of profit every year. They'd never come to Ponyville! And if they did they'd go after Filthy Rich before they went after anypony else---AJ knew, for a matter of fact, that Rich not only lied on his forms, he paid other people to lie for him.
Applejack sighed, letting it carry away the frustration she felt. There ain't no way she'd ever lie on her tax forms. Not because she was the bearer of the Element of Honesty. No, she had always been honest even before Twilight Sparkle arrived and the Element itself chose her. If she lied, she'd be dishonoring the Apple family, and family was more important than even the fate of the world.
Once again, the earth pony found her attention drifting to the book her parents penned. "Ain't no way but the hard way," she said to herself. Focusing herself once again, Applejack sat up, took a sip of the cooled mulled cider and went back to work.
Applejack Balances Her Books
"Applejack, may we come in?"
"Hel-lo? Aaaaaaplejack? It's me, Rarity!"
No response.
"And Twilight Sparkle, of course."
"We just want to know if you're okay. Big---"
Thud.
At the sound of something falling, Twilight opened the door to the attic slightly and peeked into the room. She could see papers on the floor everywhere. A cold breeze blew through the room. In the center, half-propped up by a backless chair that was better described as a small bench, Applejack laid on the floor, sound asleep. Next to her, a book that recently dropped onto the floor.
Slowly and carefully, not wanting to wake their friend, Twilight Sparkle and Rarity climbed into the attic. It was larger than they expected, easily fitting all three ponies along with all the tomes and furniture it held. Instinctively, Rarity closed the window and Twilight placed the fallen book back on the desk with her magic. They relit the candles and lone torch in the back of the room, giving the attic a small bit of warmth again. Rarity, seeing Applejack shivering on the floor, removed her cloak and placed it gently on her friend who instantly curled inside it.
The two unicorns started exploring the room. They had never seen this room before. In fact, none of Applejack's friends have. It was plain, with a few bookcases lining the room. The most prominent bookcase sat next to the lone desk where Applejack worked. In the back of the room the single torch continued to warm up the room. Next to it was a map of Sweet Apple Acres, though it was outdated and discolored with age. In the back corner sat an empty rocking chair.
"Look at these books!" Twilight Sparkle began examining the bookcases, taking down an old book gently with her magic.
"A bit plain, just like the rest of the farm," Rarity said as she sat down in the rocking chair, "though a lot less dusty than I expect from a farmhouse attic."
As Rarity started rocking in her chair, Twilight flipped through the volume that she held in front of her. Startled, she shoved it in front of Rarity's face.
"Rarity! Look at this!"
In front of the slightly-off-white unicorn's face was a list of numbers and names, arranged neatly in five columns.
"What? It's just---wait, wait. Is that---"
"Yes! These are records from---"
"No! I mean, that's the Goldenoak Five Column Accounting System---" Twilight Sparkle could hear Rarity capitalizing every word "---that all the elite shops of Canterlot uses!"
"Wait, what?"
"The Goldenoak System! It's simply a fabulous way of accounting for shops. It's so elegant it turns jumbles and mumbles of numbers into pretty, beautiful columns. And it makes the math sooooo simple! It's been the de facto standard of bookkeeping in the fashion industry for the last three years! I didn't know that Sweet Apple---"
"Rarity."
"What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a monologue?"
"These records are from twenty-six years ago."
"Whaaaaaaaaaa?" Rarity held her neck back in shock. "But how can it be! Nopony's heard of the Goldenoak System until three years ago! I haven't even figured it out myself yet!"
"Well if maybe y'all stop screamin' in mah attic maybe ah I can teach ya. Now we ain't got no fancy name for it, but it's been how we did them books on th' farm for fifty years."
The unicorns, surprised, turned to face a rather grumpy Applejack in a somewhat odd position, having just woke up from a nap taken half on the floor and half on a chair and tangled in a fabulous fur cloak.
"Applejack! Darling! You're awake!" Rarity said while getting up from an old rickety rocking chair as elegantly as possibly, which is to say, she was glad that neither of her friends were looking at her at the moment.
"Would somepony mind tellin' me what tha hay's goin' on?"
"I'm sorry for sneaking in like this, Applejack, but we just wanted to make sure you're all right," Twilight Sparkle said half-sheepishly, "we haven't seen you for two days!"
"Well somepony's gotta work all them numbers out."
Rarity and Twilight, now no longer distracted by the bookshelves, saw the work that Applejack was doing on her desk. She was filling out page six of the two-hundred-page stack of forms before falling asleep---and falling over.
"Applejack! You were balancing books and filing taxes these two whole days?" Twilight said, barely believing what she saw with her own eyes.
"That's right, ma'am!"
"Well why didn't you ask us for help?!" Rarity said, with a slight tinge of complaint in her voice.
"Well---"
"I completely understand if you didn't want Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash to help, but what about us?" Rarity insisted, "I'm perfectly generous and Twilight just positively loooooves books!"
Twilight, taking that as a compliment, smiled and nodded eagerly.
"Ah mean, Rarity, thanks, and all that, but this ain't somethin' ah can ask y'all to do. It's an Apple Family thing---"
"And as I recall, weren't we honorary members of the Apple Family?" Rarity batted her eyelashes a little.
"Ah know, but this ain't like applebuckin'," Applejack bushed a little, "it's, well, it ain't no proper farm work s'all. Ah mean, it ain't no side of me y'all ever seen. Applejack, addin' up numbers! Who would've thought!"
"I was a little surprised," Twilight admitted, "okay, moderately surprised."
"Oh, Applejack," Rarity went on, placing an extra emphasis on "ap", "we all sometimes do things that are a little out of character."
"That's right! Remember how Rainbow Dash started reading?"
"Or how Fluttershy can get angry and get so positively scary? Even I get dirty! Well, sometimes. Under special conditions."
"It’s okay, Applejack, doing math is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how out of character it may seem for a simple farmpony," Twilight nodded sagely, eager to teach one of her best friends another lesson about the magic of friendship.
"Well ah ain't shamed of it, just kinda---"
"And don't worry about us stealing your company secrets," Twilight placed her hooves on her chest, "cross my heart and hope to fly---"
"---stick a cupcake in my eye," Rarity finished, "now Applejack, will you pleeeeeeeease teach me how to make my numbers faaaabulous?"
"Eh, sure Rarity, but it ain't nothin' fancy---"
"Well good! Plain dresses are in this winter!"
"And Applejack, once we're done can you show me some of the other books in your library?" Twilight asked like a curious filly.
"Ah dunno, Twi, this ain't no proper library. 'Sides, these books ain't that interesting…"
"Not interesting?" Twilight started shaking Applejack, "These are the most interesting history books in Ponyville! They're about ponies! Real ponies! And how they lived and worked and ate and had babies! These are amazing! In fact---"
"Ah get it! Ah get it!"
Twilight gave an awkward grin, a small squee, and let go of her friend.
"Ah guess we better get started, doin' fancy mathematics and all, if we wanna finish in time for Granny Smith's annual 'yee-haw we did 'em taxes' ce-le-bra-tory apple pies!"
"You got it, partner," Rarity beamed.
Twilight, with a gleam in her eye, looked into the pile of receipts lying on the table. Her OCD flaring up to unsafe levels, she stood up and declared, "ladies, let's get algebraic!"
"Um, sugarcube, ah don't think there's much algebra in---"
"Oh, Applejack, don't you interrupt her when she's trying to be dramatic," Rarity interjected.
"it's all right, Rarity. I guess the tax forms were kind of engineered specifically to eliminate the need of algebraic knowledge so that---"
"Um, beg your pardon, Twi? We got work to do."
And so the three friends worked all night long, getting absolutely nothing and everything accomplished.
Applejack Balances Her Books
"Has anypony seen Applejack in the last two days?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she sat down at an empty seat next to her friends in Sugarcube Corner. She was met with a chorus of "nope"s and a "not a clue".
"She just disappears at the beginning of every winter," Rainbow Dash said as she took a sip of her hot chocolate, "some farm stuff, probably."
"It's a most beautiful time of the year, she should be enjoying it," Rarity remarked, "especially since she enjoys the outdoors so much. Even I am out and about in this delightful snow."
"Yeah, only because it's an excuse for you to wear your scarf!"
"Oh, Rainbow Dash, of course you of all ponies doesn't understand how important it is to take every opportunity to be fabulous."
"Well, duh, that's because I take every opportunity to be awesome. And being awesome is waaaay better than being fabulous."
As Rainbow Dash and Rarity debated the relative merits of awesomeness and fabulocity, Twilight Sparkle drank her tea silently and looked out the window. The first snow of winter was falling, and all the ponies in Ponyville were out and about. Some of them played in the delightful fluff, while others like herself sat and watched with a cup of delicious hot beverage. With the exception of Fluttershy, who was hushing the last of the hibernating animals to sleep, the whole town was just relaxing and enjoying the weather.
"Maybe she's planning a surprise party," Pinkie Pie interjected despite Twilight not being in a conversation. Pinkie Pie was the only pony who can interject into something where, by definition, into which you cannot interject.
"I doubt that, Pinkie," Twilight mused.
"But everypony likes a party," Pinkie Pie insisted, "and if they aren't partying right now they are planning a party!"
"So are you planning a party right now, Pinkie?"
"Of course! I mean, duh, I'm not partying! I'm planning Lyra's next performance right now! I mean, I'm in Sugarcube Corner, and I'm not eating cupcakes, so that means I'm working! Oh wait, I'm working! I can't talk to you now, Twilight, got a party to plan!"
With that, Pinkie Pie bounced back to her table. With hooves working in a panic, she filled pages with diagrams and seating charts. Stacks of performance notes and set lists flew everywhere, though they were mostly stuck together since Pinkie insisted on writing with frosting instead of ink.
Shaking her head, Twilight went back to drinking her tea and looking out into the calming flurry. Maybe I'll visit Applejack this afternoon, she thought, she'll probably need help with whatever farm chores they have to do to prepare for winter.
