Flash Sentry's Inappropriately Hot Mom

Flash liked to keep Cacophony open while he did his homework. A couple of his friends were usually online at the same time, and eventually the whole thing turned into an informal study group. And even if studying wasn't the priority, the occasional distraction was always welcome.

Usually.

Thunderstruck: Dudes! Check this out! I'm stocking shelves at the supermarker, right? And the hottest babe I've ever seen in my life just passed me!

MicroNation: Thunderbass, every woman who passes you at work is “the hottest babe you've ever seen in your life.”

Thunderstruck: No, seriously. I managed to snap a picture as she was walking away! Check it out!

The notification chime sounded again, causing Flash to cringe. He knew before he even looked. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew. Since Flash Drive usually rehearsed at Thunderbass's place, his friend hadn't ever met Flash's mom.

And hadn't Azure mentioned she was planning to go grocery shopping today?

The picture that had been uploaded was a hastily taken phone pic. All that could be seen was the woman's lower half from behind. But what a behind it was, encased in a pair of skin tight yoga pants and an apparent lack of visible panty line. Near the top of the picture, the ends of long metallic blue hair could be seen brushing the top of the bottom in question.

Flash put his face in his hands and let out a groan. You had to go right after yoga, didn't you, Mom?

Sandalwood: Holy crap, dude! I think I just found a new religion!

Thunderbass: Yeah, the First Church of the Divine Yoga Pants.

RingMaster: I am intrigued by your philosophy and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

“Oh for the love of – Gah!” Flash turned fully toward his laptop and started typing. Maybe he could derail this particular thread before it got too weird, too horny, or both.

FlashOfInspiration: Hey, guys, I'm working on the assignment for Harshwhinny's Geometry class. Anyone else getting stuck on number 7?

Brawl4All: @Thunderbass, see if you can get more pics! She can't have gone far!

Thunderbass: Just a sec...

FlashOfInspiration: Uh, guys... I could really use some help here.

Thunderbass: Holy CRAP! She's in the produce section! Check it out!

Another hurried shot was posted. Again, her face wasn't visible, but this one was a side shot, showing off the impressive chest of the woman in question. Flash slammed his head onto the keyboard, causing a random string of letters to appear in the chat.

Not only had Azure gone straight to the supermarket from her yoga class, she had apparently decided to forgo putting the hoodie she had worn when she left back on, leaving her in a modest cut purple sports bra. This would have been bad enough, but there was one other thing adding to Flash's embarassment.

She was holding a fairly large cucumber.

Brawl4All: Oh, to be a cucumber being serenely held by a hot chick in yoga pants.

Thunderbass: She's older too!

Brawl4All: Oh, to be a cucumber being serenely held by a hot MILF in yoga pants.

MicroNation: Pffft!

“All right,” Flash said aloud, “That's enough of THAT, thanks!”

FlashOfInspiration: Gettin' a little creepy here, guys.

RingMaster: Oh, come on, Flash. We're just having a little fun.

FlashOfInspiration: Yeah, telling Thunderbass to stalk some random woman shopping. Real fun.

RingMaster: … well, I guess if you put it like that.

Thunderbass: I gotta get back to work anyway. Just figured you might

There was a pause in the conversation. Flash stared at the screen, confused.

Sandalwood: Thunderbass? Buffy? You okay?

Thunderbass: Yeah, sorry. I think I just saw Twilight Sparkle hiding behind the oranges.

Brawl4All: Hiding?

Thunderbass: Yeah, like legit crouching behind the display. She had some sort of gizmo with her. Weird thing is, she was pointing it at that woman.

“Oh, no!” Flash moaned. He grabbed his phone and stabbed at Twilight's number. “Come on, come on, pick up! Pick up!”

“Hello?” came a whispered voice.

“Twilight, it's Flash. Where are you right now?”

“Um... I'm in the middle of some important research, Flash.”

“Uh huh,” Flash frowned. “You wouldn't be at the supermarket stalking my mom, would you?”

“Whaaaaaat? Noooooo!” Twilight snorted. “Why would I do that? I mean, just because your mom happens to radiate sexual charisma in defiance of all known normal human response to the point of making me question my own sexuality, that certainly doesn't mean that I'm trying to get readings on her as she causes a five cart pileup in the produce section when she decides to eat a banana right there in front of everyone.”

Flash covered the phone speaker with his hand and let out a growl of frustration. He put the phone back to his ear.

“Twilight, please stop trying to get readings on my mom.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

Flash rolled his eyes. “Twilight, stop stalking my mom, or I'm telling Sunset what you're doing.”

There was silence then: “Oh, all right, if you insist.”

“I do. Thank you, Twilight.”

He didn't bother waiting for a response, instead ending the call. He also closed Cacophony, where the aforementioned five cart pileup was now the major topic of conversation, and focused on his homework.

When he finished, he decided to log onto Blueit to see what was happening in some of his feeds. He immediately stared as the main page came up with the most popular posts and forums.

Right at the top was b/FirstChurchofDivineYogaPants

Knowing he was going to regret it, he clicked the link and wasn't surprised in the slightest to find that the subblueit had been created just an hour or so ago. It already had over five thousand subscribers and at least twenty pictures posted.

Nineteen of them were of Azure in the supermarket. The other was fanart. Very detailed fanart.

“I'm going to kill Thunderbass,” Flash muttered. “Actually, I better kill all of them for good measure.”

He refershed the page and gulped audibly when he saw a livestream had been posted. He clicked the image to activate the feed and jumped when his phone rang. He answered it almost mechanically.

On screen, Azure was being filmed from behind, this time in the supermarket's pharmacy section. She was holding a bottle of some kind.

“Flash, sweetie, it's Mom,” came Azure's voice through the phone, causing Flash to jump again.

“Uh! Hi, Mom!” he said a little too loudly. He fumbled for the volume keys on the keyboard, trying to turn the sound on the livestream down. Azure's head tilted slightly.

“Honey, are you okay? You sound a little... flustered.”

“I'm fine, Mom!” Flash said, finally managing to mute the stream. “Was just finishing my homework.”

“Oh, okay! Listen, I'm at the grocery store and I know you mentioned you were out of your favorite bubble bath.”

Flash grit his teeth. He could hear the snickering from everyone who was watching the livestream. He glanced at the number at the bottom of the feed: 2,479.

Azure continued, blissfully unaware of her son's rising embarrassment. “It looks like they're out of the Daring Do kind, but there's Captain Squeaky or Princess Dream. Would one of those work?”

“Either one's fine, Mom!” Flash said, trying to sound positive, but his voice came out more like someone seriously considering jumping off the edge of sanity.

“I think I'll get the Princess Dream one,” Azure replied. On screen, she put the bottle she was holding back on the shelf and picked up a violently pink one instead. “I think it smells nicer.”

“Sure thing, Mom! Princess Dream, great!”

I wonder if they have the internet in Neighpal? I could be a yak farmer. They must always need yak farmers out there.

There was a crash over the phone and Flash watched in horror on screen as Azure dropped the bottle and bent over to grab it. Whoever was streaming zoomed in until Azure perfectly toned bottom filled the screen. But, no sooner had they stopped zooming in, the picture went blurry and suddenly, everyone was staring at the fluorescent lights in the supermarket ceiling.

“Oh, nuts! Sorry, honey, I dropped the bottle-- What on earth?!”

“Mom? You okay?”

“I need to hang up now, sweetie. It looks like someone ran over a lady behind me with his cart. I better see if I can help. I'll be home soon. Love you!”

“Love you too.”

The call ended, as did the livestream. Flash groaned again and turned off the computer. He needed to get offline for a while.

He left his room and went downstairs, flopping on the couch in the living room. Some good old fashioned mindless TV is what he needed right now. He grabbed the remote and clicked the set on.

“Breaking News this afternoon. Senator Power Point has unexpectedly resigned from his post today when he was discovered masturbating in his office by a reporter for this network. An official statement has yet to be released, but according to the reporter in question, the senator appeared to be looking at the online Blueit forum 'FirstChurchofDivineYogaPants.' We'll have more information tonight at six.”

Flash's scream of aggravation could be heard down the block.