DO NOT READ THIS: KEPT ONLY FOR INSPECTION

by Sound Shard

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human, Romance
Length: 18820

After a solid year in Ponyville, Damo and friends want to be ponies, but things go wrong fast.

After a solid year in Ponyville, Damo realizes Derpy Hooves has feelings for him. The mushy lovey-dovey kind, too. After a stunt to become ponies, Damo, Harry, Price, Twilight and the Gang, Spike, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders end up on earth. Rated Teen for very harsh language, sexual refrence, and sexual themes. By TDH and Henry

Cover art by TDH (thas me!)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-10 20:42:58 UTC

Chapter 1: Derpy the Friend

I didn’t know what I could do. I spent my days, working at Derpy’s, learning Equestrian from Harry, and reading and writing to practice. It was actually kind of hard with your hands. I actually tried it with my mouth, and it worked better. But I looked ridiculous doing it, so I stuck to the hand. I got paid well, ate well, and even got the occasional muffin from Derpy. She is the Muffin Queen, the best I’ve ever eaten, and she really, super likes me. As a friend, obviously, being she’s a pony and I’m a human.

If you weren’t here for part 1, I was sucked to this world in my sleep along with my best friends Harry and Price. We were originally me in Twilight’s body, Harry in Rainbow Dash’s body, and Price in Pinkie Pie’s body. We got free from those bodies, became humans again, and were welcomed into Ponyville.

We still couldn’t read or write anymore, because there was a different language for that. So Harry went to go learn that, I worked at Derpy’s Muffins and Bakery Shop (with the “p” in “Derpy” and “Shop” backwards on the sign) and Price was working at Sugarcube Corner.

On Saturdays, we ate at one of our houses, all together. We couldn’t have any ponies over, because we didn’t eat like them. We still couldn’t eat meat either way, because nothing seems to die in this universe. And even if it did, it’d still be barbaric to eat something dead. Cooked or not, all animals could talk, therefore meaning that would be like eating a friend.

“Hey” said Price. “Who wants dinner at my house?”

“I will!” said Harry

“Me too” I said. “And I’ll bring some baguette!”

“Baguette? How’d ya get baguette in Ponyville?” asked Price

“I made it” I said. No need to tell him I showed Derpy how to make it and it’s the new booming thing in Ponyville and we’re getting business more than them.

“Cool!” he said. Phew! He bought it. “Well, how much you making an hour?”

“Getting a bit nosy, are we? You have to tell me how much you make too.” I assured “I make 6 bits an hour, 8 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, sometimes I can take overtime on Sundays by cleaning the place up, but that’s usually Ditzy’s job”

“Ditzy Doo? You work with Derpy Hooves and Ditzy Doo?” he chuckled “Man, you must feel smart!”

“They aren’t stupid! Just clumsy!” I lied. They were really stupid, but we were in front of the store, and “clumsy” was both Derpy’s and Ditzy’s excuses. “And really good friends. Even with each-other, you’d think they were related”

“Dude, I think they are. And I also think Derpy has a crush on you!” he said. I had worried about this myself, but I said it not to be true to myself over and over, so I believed it.

“Naw! She’s just a friend! A really good friend” I said. “You are sick and twisted”

But then, Derpy flew by, and she looked really sad. Maybe Harry is right.

“Well, see you two tonight!” said Price in his mood-ruining tone.

Chapter 2: Rainbow Dash the Counsler

Dinner was great, we had my baguette and Price had bought carrots from Golden Harvest and cheese from somepony he didn’t know. It was delish. He boiled the carrots and we ate the cheese with the baguette like a sandwich. Mustard was really expensive around these parts, so I didn’t waste any bits on something not mandatory.

The next day, Derpy didn’t show up to work. I had to work the kitchen and Ditzy worked the counter.

It didn’t work out.

Ditzy gave out 3 wrong orders, and let the Cutie Mark fucking Crusaders work the counter. Bi-i-i-i-g mistake. It was no better the other way around, she mixed up sugar and flour and gave a “free raisin” in every meal she made. After three days, I couldn’t take it, I told Ditzy we were closing early.

“Oh, ka-a-a-a- y” she said. She talks really super slow. She bounced down the street, running into a lot of ponies. I had to find Rainbow Dash. She’d know where Derpy lived. At least if she lived in Cloudsdale or not. If she lived in Cloudsdale, I’d be fucked.

I tracked down Rainbow and waved her down. She looked frustrated. She was going so fast I was exhausted.

“Hey… *pant* She hasn’t shown up *pant* to work in days and *pant* I’m trying to find her. *pant* I need your help to see if she *pant* lives in Cloudsdale or not.*pant* Woo, you’re fast” I panted.

While I caught my breath, Rainbow Dash asked “Who?”

“Derpy Hooves” I say. Her expression goes from frustrated to worried.

“Um… Uh… Important we-weather Pegasus bu-business… Yeah! Pony Pegasus weather! Business. Good? No… Um. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” she lied. I knew she was lying.

“You are a horrible liar. Where is she? She’s the only one who can control Ditzy! And I can’t do 2 jobs at once! And besides, Derpy is my friend; I’d be devastated if I never saw her again!” I really would be. She is one of my best friends since I got to Ponyville.

“That’s not what she said…” mumbled Rainbow

“What did she say?”

“I can’t tell you! It’s secret!”

“Fine! At least tell me where I can find her!” I really needed to know what that secret was. But I’m not the convincing type. I’m the snooping type.

“She lives over near her muffin shop, two doors down to the left” I started that way, but pulled behind a nearby barn at the last second.

“Okay, Derpy, you can come out of the clouds now”

“Did you tell him?”

“No, I’m not like that. But I also don’t like this lovey-dovey do da day”

“Well, is it weird to have a crush on him?” Eek. Harry was right, but I couldn’t tell him. I then realized I was blushing. I looked into the window as a mirror, and I was a good crimson. Yeesh.

“Yes, it is. He’s an alien from another universe, and you’re a pony” With that, I realized I liked Derpy back. But, as Rainbow had said, I’m an alien. Then I realized something. I’d have to go to Twilight and get myself pony-fied.

“How do I deal with this?”

“Go back to work, talk to him, I’m sure he’ll understand. And I actually understand what you’re saying. He’d be a real hottie if he were a pony” I turned a deeper shade of red. But then I realized that was… Pinkie Pie? I sneaked a peak. Yep. And Applejack, too.

“I don’t see him as a ‘hottie’, but he would darn cute” said Applejack. Damn. Was I dreaming? I woke up. Yep. But Derpy and Rainbow were still talking

“I don’t know, he is a cool guy, though. If anyone, Soarin’ is the hot one” So she does have a crush on Soarin’

“Okay. If you guys say so” decided Derpy

“And besides. He can’t do anything on his own!”

That’s not what I said! Well, my face wasn’t crimson anymore, so I did the unthinkable.

“Hey, Rainbow! I checked where you said! She’s not home, and Ditzy’s still roaming the streets and—Hey! Derpy! I’ve been looking for you! You’re the only one who can control Ditzy! And I can’t do 2 jobs at once! And besides, your is my friend; I’d be devastated if I never saw you again. Why’d you bail like that?” I tried to sound as innocent as possible.

“Damo?” her wall eyes were directly up in the left (or right from her perspective) and down in the right (or left from her perspective) “I think we need to talk”

She sounded smarter than she ever had before. She talked to me about her feelings and all that mushy shit. I stroked her mane and told her about what I felt and my plans to be a pony. She looked kind of surprised, but I think she understood. She tried to fly away, but ran into the shed.

“Now, to see my friends and Twilight Sparkle”

Chapter 3: Us the Argumentative Group

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” screamed Price. “It’s so insane that--” he calmed down “It’s so insane that I’m gonna do it too!”

“I second that motion!” agreed Harry

“Then it’s settled!” I finalized. “We’re going to be ponies!”

As we wandered in the general direction of the library (it had been a year and we still didn’t know our way around, completely) Price brought up something that had been nagging at the back of my mind for this entire time:

“Wait, we’re only 13! We’ll come out as colts! And then you’ll never be with Derpy!”

“Oh shit!” I panicked; but then I realized. “Twilight thinks we’re adults! She’s called us “stallions” multiple times and stallions are adult male horses!  So she thinks were men”

“Well!” said Harry sarcastically. “Aren’t you li’l mister genius?”

“Yep!” I snapped back. “And I s’pose yer my handy sidekick?”

Pace looked genuinely confused “I thought I was?”

“Neither of ya are my sidekick! I was sarcastically being sarcastic!” I flustered

“That doesn’t even make since!” he responded

“Enough!” interrupted Harry. “Let’s just get there!”

Then Price started singing “Earthquaky People” by Steve Aoki

Earthquaky people, jump around!

Nothin’ they can do or say ta, put us down!

Earthquaky people, jump around!

Ready to shake with the, power of sound

Break me up, break me down, turn my life, upside down

Brush it off, there and then, pick my life, up again

I’ll just keep on dancin’! I’ll just keep on danci-i-in’!

Uh! Woo! Uh! Ah!

At last we were there, so he stopped singing. It’s not that he’s bad, just it gets annoying!

As we entered, Twilight was muttering something about “Humans, books on humans. Am I spelling it right?”

“Ahem! Twilight? Can we speak to you for a sec?” I queried

“Just depends, what do you mean by ‘sec’?” she responded

“You know what he means!” shouted Harry impatiently

“All rudeness aside, we would like to be…” I choked up for a second, realizing this was going to be painful.

“Like to be?” she questioned

“Like to be ponies”

“I’ll see what I can do!”

I wasn’t expecting her to be so… enthusiastic. Maybe it was the opportunity of a new spell?

“She’s cheery about this” muttered Price

“Well duh! It’s a new spell for her to try!” confirmed Harry

“Here it is! Get everypony together; I think they’ll want to see this!”

“M’kay then there then and then there again!” tongue twisted Price

“Uh… O-ka-a-a-y then…” Twilight was definitely confused

“He’s saying ‘Can do!’ in Price” I explain

“Sounds a lot like Pinkie Speak” muttered Twilight

Chapter 4: Twilight the Distracted

Everypony was there. Derpy, the Mane 6, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were all there. I’ll say it again, they were all there. I know I’m just repeating myself at this point but they obviously cared enough to be there. That warmed my heart

“Okay, no distractions, everypony, just keep quiet so I can focus on my spell” demanded Twilight. As her horn started to glow, she was obviously concentrating hard, and then Derpy decided to stop flying and fall flat on her face.

“Huh?!” exclaimed Twilight and turned around. Then came the magic explosion.

When we woke up, it wasn’t the same smells, sounds, or feelings around. Instead of the smells of raw vegetables and hay, there were the smells of fresh cut glass and one of my neighbor Tim’s neighborhood-famous cookouts. Instead of the clopping of hooves and friendly chatter of ponies out shopping, there were sounds of another neighbor’s son Daniel rolling the trash away and loud music from behind me. Instead of the dirt road that goes all around Ponyville, there was hard concrete underneath. It took me all of ten seconds to realize I wasn’t in Equestria anymore.

“Gah! We’re at your place Damo!” shouted Price.

“Urgh. But this doesn’t feel like Horsemare Lane!” I responded. Horsemare Lane is the street I lived on in Ponyville.

“No. He means your place, dude!” fretted Henry. He sounded very worried.

“I don’t understand the question!” I flustered. That’s a running gag of mine, whenever I really just don’t understand something, instead of saying “I don’t understand” I’ll say “I don’t understand the question!”

“I’m getting up” I grunted. I was in denial, but I knew it. I opened my eyes and answered my fears, we were back in Lawrence. In my driveway. With 6 naked women, a naked teenager, 3 naked girls around our age, and a looks-about 7 year old naked boy surrounding us. Shit!

“Derpy! You interrupted my spell!” screamed one of the women, seeming to be about 24, with black hair and a purple and pink highlight down the front, and a double B cup-size. Twilight.

“Sah-ree!” said the teenager, blonde haired and walleyed also with double B’s, sadly. Derpy

“Well look at us now!” screamed another woman, looking to be about 22, with a southern accent, blonde hair in a ponytail, cowboy hat, and double C cup-size. Applejack

“I look ridiculous! And it’s your fault. And just look at my hair!” shrieked the oldest woman, in her late 20’s/early 30’s, purple hair, another BB, and a British accent. Rarity.

“Well, um, I don’t mind” stuttered a woman, looking 22-maybe 23, double C’s, pink hair, and really big eyes.  Fluttershy.

“Well, I really like it!” giggled a woman with really, unnaturally, pink and poofy hair, about 21, and BB’s (again, who’d ‘a thunk it?). Pinkie Pie. Then she looked down. “Ooo! What’re these! Hehe! These are fun!” as she… I don’t even want to talk about it.

“Well look at us! I mean really” said a girl, along with two other, all 13. One, the one who spoke, with pink hair, another with white hair and a pink highlight, and the last one, red hair (and I mean red hair). “We look ridiculous!”

“Hey, don’t forget me!” squealed a 7 year old boy with a green faux-hawk. Spike.

“You haven’t changed much” said the last one. Rainbow hair, about 25-26-27, and double D’s, and that’s an understatement. I mean they were huge. Melons. Balloons. I got an erection on the spot! “Look at me! I got these things, and I have wa-a-a-a-y to much hair!”

She wasn’t lying on that. It was down to her ass, which was pretty nice in of itself! She was the hottest woman I had ever laid my eyes on. Ever.

“Let-let’s get ya-you inside” I stuttered. I turned to Harry and Price. “Da-yum! Look at Rainbow!” I whispered

“You don’t think I already haven’t?” responded Price.

“I don’t feel like this is right” muttered Twilight as we walked in

“It isn’t” I muttered back

“Ooo! They look just like you!” squealed Pinkie. What was she talking about?

Then I looked up. There were Another Harry, Price, and Me on the couch.

“What. The. Fuck” me and other me said in unison

Chapter 6: Simon the Jackass

Authors Note: Sorry if this gets unoriginal, I just found out I’m highly allergic to ragweed pollen, and guess what grows naturally around here! I am really uber sick. :pinkiesick: Sorry. (Nothing compared to my friend CamoFlash’s recent motorcycle crash, all respects, but it still sucks) Hey, I’ve had this song stuck in my head, so this is a bright side:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF8M5kLyIcY

I threw Pinkie a leftover pink tanktop from my mom’s “high school days” (my words, not hers). It fit her well (who’d ‘a thunk it?). Twilight got a Mario shirt, Rainbow got a Marilyn Manson shirt, Fluttershy got one of my mom’s old work dresses (or at least it should be old by now), Applejack a Fear Factory (Edgecrusher if you were going to ask) shirt, and lastly Rarity a long dress with a little jacket to go with it. Now, to my room. For Applebloom, I gave her a Meatwad shirt I have, my purple DC shirt to Sweetie Belle, and a shirt that read “You’re Toast” and had a toaster chasing a piece of uncooked bread to Scootaloo. She didn’t get the joke. Spike was harder. I dug thru my old clothes, and found a Hulk shirt. We all wore old jeans.

“Wait, how are we going to stash away 10 women, 3 teenage girls, a 7-or-so-year-old boy, and copies of each of us, all in one place?” I asked.

“Shit! Wait, wait, and wait, no! The farm!” said Other Me

“The farm?” asked Harry

“The farm” I replied

“The farm?” asked Rainbow

“The farm!” said Me and Other Me in unison

“So, a farm, eh?” asked Applejack

“A farm. My grandparents raise cattle and…” I trailed off. Cows could talk, and were probably were friends with the ponies. Same with pigs and chickens, I’d bet. How would they take that?

“And?” asked Twilight

“And… Uh, well. Um, you see…” I tried to start

“Well, how do we put this…? Um, well…” tried to continue Harry

“Uh, well, we… um… They’re raised to… No, um…” tried Other Me

“Get on with it!” said Rainbow, annoyed

“We, I mean they, raise cows, pigs, and sheep to be killed, packaged, cooked, and eaten. It’s called meat” I said, quickly

“That… That is messed up, dude!” stuttered Rainbow. Then I remembered back to Season 2 Episode 25, A Canterlot Wedding Part 1. Rainbow Dash was eating a ham sandwich. Ham = pig.

“Ah, you shouldn’t think so!” I pointed out

“How?!” she looked offended

“Season 2, Episo--” I realized they wouldn’t realize what I was talking about. I sighed. “The time when the Changelings took over Cadence’s body and tried to marry Shining Armour (Random Authors Note: I realize it’s spelled “Armor” but “Armour” is how I spell it), at the picnic, you are eating a sandwich. It has a slice or two of something reddish-brown, the distinguished colour (Random Authors Note 2: Same rule. I spell it “colour” instead of “color”) of ham. A pig product”

“That was feran!” shouted Rainbow

“Feran? That’s not a word” Other Me said

“What are you, a dictionary?” asked Scootaloo

“That’s gotten old. Overused meme” stated Other Harry

“There is no such thing as a ‘overused meme’, no meme can be overused. Underused? Maybe! Overused? I say to thee nay!” I snapped

“Feran is a food, I guess it’s like your ‘meat’, but nothing has to die!” explained Rainbow

“Kinda like tofu” I decided

“So, back to the subject. The farm is the safest place. No people within a 20-mile radius of the area, plenty of room, and TV and Internet. We can chill there!” concluded Other Me

“What’s Yates been teaching you? Crenshaw? Smith? Smith especially! You sound more smarter than me!” I asked, impressed. Yates was our Math teacher, Crenshaw Science/Social Studies, and Smith taught Language Arts. I loved Language Arts, but I could never speak Proper English. Somehow. Somehow.

“Nothin’ new” Other Me responded. “Same ol’ same ol’”

“Simon will be tagging along, unfortunately” informed Other Price

“Ugh. Simon” I stuck out my tongue. Simon is an anti-brony who we pretended to be friends with because he had none, and quickly found out why. I understand, friendship is magic, but sometimes people just don’t have it in them to have friends. Simon was one of these assholes.

“So, we need names for you” Price turned to the human-ponies.

“What do ya mean?” asked Applejack

“You don’t have, regular human names, per say. So, AJ, I see you as an…” I made a marquee with my hands at her face “An Abigail, we will call you Abbi for short. Rarity, you shall be London. Fluttershy is Hailey. Rainbow, you will be Trinity. Twilight, you are now Claire. Pinkie, you are Taylor. Sweetie Belle, Emma. Scootaloo, Scarlett. Applebloom, Lilly. Spike… Actually, you’re fine!”

“Yes!” he cheered

“Twilight, try real hard; try to use your magic” I demanded

“Okay…” she seemed unsure. She concentrated, all right. She lifted me right offa the ground! Her nose was bleeding, not too much, just a normal nosebleed, and she looked like she had a headache, by the way she was holding her head. “Oof. Why’d I do that?!”

“You’re going to do I kind of oobly-doobly-abracadabra mind magic to make it okay with Grandpa an’ Mama for y’all ta stay at their place” I assured

“Oobly-doobly? Wo-o-o-o-w” said Harry in his “You are an idiot” tone. He has a lot of tones.

The door had a knock. Then two more. Then about 5 or 7 really hard knocks. Simon’s signature knock!

“Tha’s Simon! Get it, somebody!” I panicked

“Who’s Somebody?” asked Twilight

“In your words, somepony! Now get the door! Anyone!” I continued to panic

“I’ll take it ‘anyone’ is ‘anypony’?” guessed Twilight. I was getting frustrated

“Yes! Now, I’ll get the door, god!”

It was Simon all right! He was ready for the occasion! Sleeping bag, toothbrush, and snacks! Simon wasn’t all bad, just mostly bad.

“All right, motherfuckers! We ready? When the geezers gonna be here!?” he shouted as he carelessly threw his stuff at the couch.

“Please don’t call my grandparents ‘geezers’” I asked

“Who’s the hotties?” he whisper-shouted in my ear. He walked over to Sweetie Belle. “I call this one, rawr!”

“Tha’s Sweetie Belle. The others are Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Spike” I said with a sly grin

“Aw! That gay-ass pony show you watch?” he shouted and pushed away Sweetie Belle, or Emma. “That’s lame, man!” Rainbow, I mean Trinity, tackled him, raised fist aimed at his face.

“Who ya callin’ ‘gay’?” she shouted. Then she turned to me: “Gay is an insult, right?”

“Right” I responded. “But don’t kick his ass, we’re gonna need him, I bet”

“Pfft. Fine” she said and let him up.

“That doesn’t make the show any less gay!” he groaned

Trinity smacked him upside the head.

Further Author’s Notage:

I made this chapter longer as to make up for the short one the other day

This is a funny vid you should totally check: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_t2TzJOyops

Chapter 7: Derpy the Missing and Derpy the Nameless

’Cuz, we wanna live the life of the, rich and famous blasted the Lady Gaga song as I packed my bags for the farm. Technically, I was already packed. But that was Other Me’s bag. I was going to be there much longer than him. Much, oh, much longer.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was forgetting something.

“Um, I need some help with this!” shouted Trinity from downstairs. There wasn’t really an “upstairs”, per se, but just a room. Mine. Just a room filled to the brim with clutter. Twilight had a fit when she saw it.

No, I was definitely sure I had forgotten something.

“Whaddaya need?” I shouted back

“I don’t know how to do this!” she responded. Wow, that was helpful! Drip, drip, goes the sarcasm.

What could’ve I possibly forgotten though?

“I’m coming!” I groaned. I wish I hadn’t. She was standing in front of the toilet, pants down, looking utterly confused.

“How do you use this thing?” she asked. Ugh, I didn’t want to deal with that. But I know someone who would.

I just didn’t know what could’ve slipped my mind!

“Price! Get in here! Trinity has a job for you!” I called. He walked over, saw Trinity, and nodded his head.

“I can totally deal with this” he decided. I headed back upstairs.

As I was walking upstairs, I realized what I was forgetting:

“Where, the fuck, is Derpy?!” I shouted. The house was frantic with excitement, and not the good kind, either! There’s two kinds of excitement, I know, it’s confusing.

“Oh god, Derpy!” panicked Other Price

“Derpy-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!” called Claire

“Derpy Hooves, get over here this second!” screeched London

“Um, D-Derpy? Are-Are you th-there?” stuttered Hailey

“Yo! Wall-eyed pony! You there, or, what?!” screamed Simon

“Wha?” asked Derpy and fell in the back door

“Where were you?! You had me worried sick!” I sounded like some mother

“I was out there…” she responded

“You don’t say?” I asked sarcastically and did the “You Don’t Say” Bruce Willis face. There’s probably a shorter way to say that, but I really don’t care.

“I actually do, hee wa!” she said while spinning

“Uhg! You’ll need be named, too” decided Other Me

“Wha? Why?! I like Der--” she fell over “-py”

“Because, not only is that not a normal name ‘round these parts, ‘derp’ or ‘derpy’ is an insult here!” I explained

“An insult?” asked Hailey. “That’s not good”

“If you’re a derp, you are an idiot. A klutz. An imbecile! If you are acting derpy, you are making a total fool of yourself!” I explained. “See, insult”

“Well, that is very offensive!” decided Claire

“How about… How about Miranda?” I suggested

“I see what you did there! And yes, it suits her!” decided Harry. Huh, I hadn’t thought of that! Miranda was this really stupid girl at our middle school, and she was such a big Justin Beiber fan, she knew to the minute when he was born. I don’t think Justin Beiber is gay, I’m not like that, but I still hate his music. There’s this thing, Justin, called puberty. You should probably have hit it by now!

“I agree on all behalves!” stated Price

“We do too” said Other Harry, Other Price, and Other Me agreed in unison, more or less. It was more of an echo effect.

“Well, we’ve time to kill, so why don’t we show them the intranet?” I suggested

“Don’t you mean internet?” asked Other Price

“Price, Price, you don’t understand. It’s funner to say ‘intranet’!” I said

“Funner? That’s not even a word!” said Lilly

“What are you, a diction-“ started Scarlett

“No, just don’t even!” said Other Harry and Harry in unison

“Sah-ree!” said Scarlett

“Anyhoo, internets!”

I showed them YouTube Poops, I showed them dubstep (Trinity was all in that), I showed them memebase (http://www.mylittlebrony.com/), and I warned them of the dangers of R34.

“Never go to a site, click on a picture, or watch a video that has ‘R34’ in the title” I warned

“Why? What’s ‘R34’?” asked Scarlett

“It’s best you don’t know…” I tried to sound as creepy and secretive as possible. It worked. Just then a giant Dodge Flatbed pulled up in the driveway.

“Wait, why are Grandpa and Mama here now?” I asked

“Well, Mom and Dad are on vacation, so they are trusting them with us, because I wanted some friends for the ride. And Simon can come, too!” explained Other Me

“That joke’s not funny, Damo!” threatened Simon

“Well, Claire, be on the ready!” I said. She kept sitting on the couch

“Claire”

“Claire!”

“Twilight!!”

“Wha—Huh?!” she jumped

“Your name is Claire, remember!”

“How am I supposed to remember that?” she asked

“Fine, add your guyses names into yer magic hoo-haw ‘f yers!” I shouted

“Thank Celestia!” Twilight sighed

Knock on the door

“You ready?” I asked Twilight. She nodded

“All right then, get on with it!” pushed Simon

“Hello?” croaked an old voice on the other side of the door. Grandpa

“Anyone home?” croaked a younger, but still old, French accent. Mama

“I’m here! Hold on!” I called out. I let them in

“Who in the hell are these people! We thought we was pickin’ up you and three of your frie--” Grandpa started, but Twilight magic-ed him into a magic I’m-okay-with-everything state.

“I’ll drive” said Mama, almost robotically.

“Sa-rah-Cohn-ah” said Price in his Arnold Schwarzenegger voice and walked like a robot

“Skynet. It’s not Traffic Lights, it’s Redbox!” I had a running gag that Redbox was run by Skynet. I just don’t like Redbox ‘cuz they put Movie Gallery out of business, pieces of shit! I loved that store! And I still have 3 full gift cards to there!

Author’s Note Time!

Whilst I am still sick, I have some fan-fiddlin’-tastic news! I’ll tell you that good news, and good news about that good news, and some bad news on the first good news, and then some more bad news on that first good news. (Uhg, tonguetwister!)

Good news: I figured out I have a baby sister on the way!

Good news on that good news: Since it’s allergies, I am not contagious and can still go to school to see my friends and be with my mom without putting the baby in danger!

Bad news on the first good news: We don’t have a middle name for her! Give us ideas, and, strict rule, nothing popular!!!( i.e. Emma, Sarah, Grace, etc.)

Some more bad news on the first news: My mom has extremely high blood pressure, and the baby could die if it gets too high. And it’s really, really, really,easy to get it up high! I don’t pray, ‘cuz I’m an Atheist, but if you do, I understand you think it helps, so pray if you’d like!

Chapter 8: Everybody the Carpool Roadtrip

“Lemme just get my things!” I said

“What could you’ve possibly have forgotten?” asked Harry

“Well, my stuff, things, and other such essentials” I responded sarcastically

“Just go get your shit!” shouted Simon

“Yeesh! I’ll hurry!” I backed away up the stairs. I grabbed my Rainbow Dash toy and her brush and put them in a li’l Ziploc baggie, my two duffel bags of clothes, a few tapes (Red Dwarf, Final Destination, and a tape that had an episode of Loony Tunes on it), my phone, wallet, library card (not that I would ever use it0, a few dozen books, and my Mp3 Player. On the rare occasion I had to, or wanted to, I called her Joshiana. Yes, my Mp3 Player is named Joshiana. Got a problem with that?

“Yo! We’re gonna leave ya if ya don’t just fucking come on!” shouted Simon from downstairs

“Uno momento, por pavor!” I called back down. Lastly I packed The Sims Carnival SnapCity. It was a fun game, and I knew Other Me wouldn’t miss it, so I took it, and also stuck Spider-Man 3 in the case. “Hey! Other Me! You wouldn’t mind if I took The Happy Tree Friends Overkill Box Set DVD, would you?” I called down

“Nope.avi!” Other Me called back. He didn’t say it like Engineer from nope.avi, but he actually said out nope dot A V I. () It didn’t sound like something I would say, but whatevs. I also packed one of the CD Tubes. CD Tubes are these devices, they held CD’s in a vertical stack, and they had a little protective case you always had to work wa-a-a-a-y too hard to get off.

“Finally” groaned Scootaloo as we walked out the door.

All 19 of us had to fit in this 6 seat dodge. Spike, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Price crammed into the back seat, Twilight, both of me, Scootaloo (poor girl, she was stuck between both of me), Price, and the Equestria Harry had to sit in the back floorboards, Applejack, Other Harry, Fluttershy, Sweetie Belle, and my grandparents sat in front, and everyone else just found ways to fit in around the truck; Simon was being crushed into the middle of the truck cockpit by all of us, Applebloom was half sitting on Other Harry, half sitting on the passenger side seat, and Rarity was in Fluttershy’s lap, sorta.

Now check these beats of the past, not tickin’ an’ TOLLIN’! We wait thru now is future MOLDIN’. Columbine BOWLIN’, childhood STOLEN. We need a bit more GUN CON-TROLLIN’

Right, RIGHT, now, NOW, what is goin’ on? We, WE, gotta, GOTTA, get it goin on. Be, BE, fore, FORE, it’s too far gone We gotta work togetha, it’s been too long blasted the Beastie Boys song from Joshiana. () (Random Authors Note: I realize I may have gotten some of the lyrics wrong, but I’m typing this from memory, kays?)

“Do you have to blast that in my ear?” asked Scootaloo, but I pretended not to hear her.

“HEY!” she shouted

“Try ‘Yo!’” suggested Harry

“What’s ‘yo’ mean?” asked Scootaloo

“It means ‘hey’. It can be used as a greeting, attention grabber, or angry exclamation towards someone else”

“Just to check, someone means somepony, right?” she assured herself

“Yes, get used to using it” responded Harry

“Okay here goes” she said. “YO!!”

I took off my headphones “Are you putting ideas into Scoots head, Harry?”

“No”

“But ‘Yo’ is my thing”

“Actually, it’s mine” grunted Simon

“Well now let’s leave it to Scootaloo. And Rainbow, too, if she’d like” decided Harry

“But--” I started

“Eep! No words” silenced Harry

“On the subject, or at all?” I asked

“On the subject, now shu-shoosh!”

“Okay, shu-shoosh is my thing and I plan to keep it like that”

“But you get Over 9,000 and Bow-Nuhs, too!” complained Price. Bow-Nuhs was just a thing I had, and I guess still did, even though I hadn’t used it in forever. Maybe Other Me.

(Authors Fun Fact: Not counting this fun fact and all symbols that go along with it, there is as of now 666 words in this chapter. As my dad would say: Hell raising!)

“Well! See if I care! I’m allowed to have multiple ‘things’, as are you!” I argued

“Fine” sighed Harry

“Shut up, dude!” hissed Other Harry

“Shut up, shut up dude. Shut up, shut up dude. Shut up! Already! Damn!” I sang

“Really, though!” he shouted

“Fine, fine”

We rode the next hour in silence until Smile came on Joshiana. Why was Smile on my Mp3 Player?! I didn’t put it on there! I mean, of course I love the song, but I still didn’t want it on my mix with Skrillex, Steve Aoki, deadmau5, Beastie Boys, Kid606, Dresden Dolls, KoRn, and MC Lars!

“Hey! I sang that!” realized Pinkie

“Well, um, you did!” I said nervously. I reached my head around Scootaloo and whispered in Other Me’s ear. “Why is there Smile on Joshiana?”

“Well, she wasn’t very brony-like… So I just put some pony songs on it…” he responded

“Which ones?” I hissed

“Smile, I put some TuXe on there, some Alex S, Living Tombstone, I think there’s something Mic the Microphone, and Wooden Toaster. Can’t forget This Day Aria!” he explained

“Okay… Okay… It’s fine…” I calmed down

“Phew, you were scaring us all!” stated Pinkie plainly

“Not me” screeched Simon

“’F course y’all wouldn’ be scared. I bet ya think ya’s ain’t scared ‘a nothin’!” challenged Applejack

“Actually, that’s a double negative. If you use ‘ain’t’ in place of ‘not’, which is what it would mean metaphorically, and nothing together, you’re saying you’re not scared of nothing. And if you’re not scared of nothing, you would be scared of something. The correct term would be ‘I bet you think you are not scared of anything’”

“Twilight, turn off your Grammar Nazi-ness for a second and let the lady finish!” I shouted, frustrated

“Explain what a ‘Nazi’ is, again?”

“Leave it be. I’ll tell ya later” I turned to AJ. “Go on”

“If ya don’t get scared in th’ next week, y’alls ‘ll be-a doin’ what Ah say for a day!”

“Reasonable bet. I’m willing to go on that. But, if I don’t, indeed, get scared, you will do what I say for a day!” bargained Simon

“Then it’s a bet” decided AJ. She spit on her palm and stuck it out. Simon spit on his and shook her hand.

“Do dee da then!” I sang as we pulled on the dirt road which lead to the farm

“Ooh! We’re almost there!” Other Me squealed.

15 minutes later, we were there and unpacking.

“Now, we’re gonna need rooms. This’ll get packed! But I’m sure we can do something about that later” I announced “First there’s this room!” I lead them to the room I usually sleep in, but I’d rather sleep on a rock than on that bed. That’s about what it felt like. “We got a bed, can hold 2 people, and room for 2 more people on the floor in sleeping bags”

“I’ll take that bed!” shouted Scootaloo

“Ooh! I like it too…” cracked Sweetie Belle

“You two will share that bed” I decided

“I’ll take the floor” said Spike

“So’ll I!” said Applebloom

“Moving on…” I said. I lead them to my grandparents room. “Now, if Twilight’s spell worked out as I hoped, they will not be using this, so this bed will hold three! There is floor space for at least another 4, and there’s cable up here! I call bed!”

“Me too!” jumped Price

“As I” said Harry

“Ah’ll take the floor in here” said Applejack

“I mean, if it’s okay with everypony, I’ll take the floor, too…” said Fluttershy

“It’s ‘everybody’ here” corrected Other Me

“I’ll take up on this floor opportunity!” decided Twilight

“I’ll stay here, I guess” said Simon rudely

“That leaves the couch downstairs, it kicks out so can hold two, and I can set up the air bed in Mama’s office”

“I’ll take that couch!” said Rainbow enthusiastically.

“I’ll take that air bed. It’s better than some couch, I’ll tell you that!” decided Rarity

“No, it’s not!” I warned. “The couch is comfortable and nicely decorated, so I recommend it!”

“Fine, whatever you say. You’re the human, you know what you’re doing!” decided Rarity

“Technically you’re human now too, ya know!” I corrected

“Yes, but I’m still not used to it”

“Doesn’t make you any less of a human”

“He’s finally right on something, folks!” shouted Harry sarcastically

“Hmpf” I grunted. “Imma go get on the computer!”

“I call it after you!” said Harry

“Can I use it?” asked Scootaloo

“After us” I decided.

Authors note: Da-yum! 1,461 words! Don’t worry, I didn’t go thru and count that, Microsoft Word told me! Well, sorry for the wait on this chapter, writers block hit me like a punch to the balls. That hurts bad by the by. These chapters get longer and longer. Oh god, that didn’t come out right. Well, between being sick, writers block, and my mom using the computer a lot for Baby Names and Baby Clothes. Strangely, she doesn’t want anything she looks at. Women, psh

By the by: everything's turning up as italics. If anypony has an idea how to fix it please oh please tell me.

Chapter 9: My Little Pony the Ongoing Series

Well, I stayed on it for an hour. I would’ve stayed for longer, but there was a line. No one would’ve believed my predicament if I told them, so I just played Happy Wheels and downloaded Audacity and AVS Video Editor again so I could make music, music videos, and YouTube Poops. It’s quite simple, really. You just go to http://www.avs4you.com/ and choose AVS Video Editor, download it and Java, download a program that allows you to upload YouTube onto your computer (I always preferred http://www.saveyoutube.com/), download a couple of videos as source material, some pictures, too, if you’d like, randomly put them together in a mess of funniness, publish it, upload it to YouTube, and batta bing bam, you’ve made a YouTube Poop!

“I’m off, Harry! Your turn! Nothing to dangerous! They get viruses easily!” I called. They didn’t really, but I didn’t want him going anywhere dangerous.

“A virus? Like a sickness?” asked Twilight as I walked into the room with the TV, where pretty much everybody seemed to be

“No, well… Yes, but a sickness for the computer” I explained. “If you get a virus on your computer, and you don’t get it fixed by a professional soon, your computer’s done for!”

“Well, that’s not good at all!” said Fluttershy

“No, no it isn’t” I said

“Well, sit down. Price found a program on Investigation Discovery” said Other Me

“Ooh boy! I love that channel!” I said and jumped for my spot on the couch, but stopped myself, because Rainbow was sitting there.

“What was that?” she asked, confused

“It’s just that… Well, on tradition… Nevermind, I’ll take the floor” I stuttered, then plopped down beside one of the Prices.

“That was very gentlemanly of you, Damo” said Other Me

“So you’re going to call me by name?” I said

“Why, of course!” he said, and pulled one of my trademark rubber faces. I can make all sorts of faces. I hadn’t seen this one before

“That’s a new one” I stated plainly

“You likey? I’ve been working on it!”

“Well I’m glad I’m good at something” I mumbled. We were watching Forensic Files. But wait, that didn’t come on Investigation Discovery!

“Hey! Is this Forensic Files?” I asked

“No, it’s a rip off that Investigation Discovery made”

“Is MLP still on?” I asked, because I had been worried it had been canceled

“Yeah! Fourth season is in September!” he exclaimed

“I missed an entire season? Damnit!”

“I think you were in an entire season!” said Other Harry

“What?!”

“Go check the Hub!” he waved his hand at Twilight

“I don’t know how to work this…” she said

“Just give it to me!” I said

“Here” she said grumpily and threw it at me

“Hey!” I shouted, then searched for the Hub. Sure enough, there was an episode I hadn’t seen coming on. Luckily Pound Puppies was on now. Wait, wasn’t it always My Little Pony, then Pound Puppies? I thought Oh well, guess they changed it. This episode of Pound puppies was about a dog they were trying to find an owner for named Taboo, but he had really bad luck. There were some cats who were taking care of him, and it turns out they were making all this stuff happen to him. They found him an owner who had equally bad luck.

“That was unexpected!” said Rainbow

“I like this show, I think” said Fluttershy

“I’d imagine” groaned Other Harry

“Hey, it’s coming on!” I shouted, excitedly. In the good way this time.

My little pony, my little pony Aaah, aaah! Aaah, aaah! began the theme, but then it sounded different. There were more synth leads and it sounded like an orchrestral section was added. Twilight landed by Sugarcube Corner instead of the train station this time.

At the end of the theme where the scroll unrolls and the picture of the six of them is inside, Twilight said “I’ve never sent her that picture!”

“Well, shu-shoosh!” I said. There was a pony I’d never seen before there. It was a stallion, who was a really light orange and had a brown mane. He, he sounded like me! I was a character on the show!

“Fuck, man, we’re on the show!” shouted Price

“Well, whaddaya know!” I said

Harry ran in. “Hey! We were on the show as ponies! I just saw it on the internet—oh, I guess you know” he said as he looked at the TV screen

“Yes we know! Now sit yer booty and shut up or go back in there!” I said

“Okay” he sighed

“I’m still going to get on the computer, but I want to stay here and watch this for now”

“Well, I don’t wanna see this stupid-ass show, so I’m gonna go use the internet” I decided

“No clopping!” I called after him

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Authors Note: Well, I’m feeling like poop again today. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. My baby sister will be 3 by the time I’m in high school! By the time I’m 20, she’ll only be 8! I’ll be 24 by the time she’s even my age. It’s been a long time, and I won’t be even living here anymore by the time she’ll actually need my most. I’ll be the kind of brother she’ll only see on weekends. I feel horrible, but I can’t live at my parents forever. But I’m just a kid, I shouldn’t be worrying! Or talking to you guys about it, what are you going to do? My life is suck right now. Besides ponies, writing is my only escape! By the time I’m done with this story, I’ve no idea what to write. Sigh. To top it all off, I’ve gone deaf in one ear. It’s only temporary, but it sounds like everything was recorded in a low quality recording studio, then played back for me to hear at real time.

Oh yeah, if you were ever wondering, the characters are based off of real live people. Of course, I am the main character, and you’ve seen my basic thought pattern and I guess you know my age. Price is my friend Pace, he’s as vulgar as it gets so the character fits him, but really it’s not all him. There’s some things I’ve written in for him that aren’t stuff he’d do at all. Harry is my writing partner and best friend Henry, he’s pretty much the same as Harry, except the fact that Henry’s not a jackass. I’ve always been good at writing jackasses. And Simon is my “friend” Sam. He isn’t an anti-brony, but he still doesn’t like the show. But, he does like Rainbow Dash, so it’s fun to write them as enemies!

I’ve rambled on to long now. Go back to your daily lives! Eat a sandwich! Hold a baby! Read a book that isn’t a piece of shit like this is! I recommend Neverwhere by Neil Gaimen. Unfortunate name, I know, but whatevs. Or I also like The Homework Machine by Dan Gutman. Or Return of the Homework Machine. Possibly some Amelia Badelia. She’s a nut! But my favourite authors are always going to be R.L. Stine and David Lubar. I could never decide which one is my favourite, so I said both!

I’m rambling again, aren’t I?

Chapter 10: Fluttershy the Chicken Herder

The next day I decided they would need to help out with chores. I promised toosoley raise the animals to raise them, and maybe the chickens we'd get some eggs from, but we'll let most of them hatch.

"Durnit, Fluttershy! We need yer animal cooperatin' skills ta round up dese here chickens!" shouted Applejack as they were gathering the chickens to count them

"But they just won't listen to reason; I've tried coaxing, asking politely, begging, everything!" she fretted. "I don't have anything left to do!"

"Fluttershy, remember back to the incedent when dat cockatrice tried to turn mah sister and her friends" demanded Applejack

"The stare? Oh no, I could never--" began Fluttershy.

"Sweety, ya haf ta" explained Applejack. "They'll nevah listen to ya if ya don't show them ya mean buisness!"

"Oh, if you say so..." Fluttershy gave in. "Alright, little friends, you asked for it" It was one of the scariest faces I had ever seen a human being make. It had the mixed of a mother who was down right infuriated with their child and a drill sergent whose "had enough foolin' 'round". It wasn't merely of that level of scariness.

"All right, now that you're all here. My name is Fluttershy, and me and Applejack here will be making sure you are all here about..." she turned to me "...every other morning?" I nodded."Every other morning!" she added with confedence. One of the chickens shat an egg

"Woohoo! A'ight Fluttershy, you did done it!" I stated. "Now lemme show you how ta properly collect eggs 'round 'ere!"

"Alrighty den, le's see how diff'rent it is here den in Ponyville"

said Applejack challengingly. I showed them the basic setup, chickens sit on the wooden roosts, the eggs fall into the hay-padded, prearanged holes, and you collect the eggs from there, and I showed them where not to collect eggs from, which would be the place where the chickens actually raise their eggs and nurture them into chicks

"Not quite different from Ponyville" said Applejack

"Nope. Hey, I'll catch up with you guys later. I've got some matters to think over" I called over my shoulder as I walked away. They weren't really important matters, per se, but I did have some thinking to do. I was going to go find a sunny spot and lay down in it, but Derpy was laying in the best spot, tongue sticking out. The love intrest was still there, but the now 5 year age difference was a major problem. I'd had this problem. But that's not of importance. I plopped down next to her.

"Heya, wha's happenin'?" I said. She pointed to the sky.

"Who's doin dat?" she asked. I looked up and realized she was talking about the clouds.

"No one" I stated plainly. She sat up and turned to me with a confused look.

"Who's No One?" she asked

"No, I mean it's not being controled by anybod-- anypony. The weater kinda governs itself here"

"Rainbow Dash's gonna be outta the job!" she stated and plopped back down on the ground. I sighed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Authors Note: Well, I'm sorry about the shorter chapter, but I on my phone and emailed it to myself. It turns out the word limit on my phone's email makes for a pathetic 2 paragraphs! :ajbemused: Hey, I'm proud of myself! Li'l fun fact: The last four chapters, instead of pressing the Italics button on the website, I actually typed out "" ""! Same with any emotes you've seen! Well, speaking of Italics, thanks every body for all that help on fixing my site so it wasn't all Italics! (Drip drip goes the sarcasm). Well I'm sure 'sides Camo nopony even reads these shitty author's notes, and she/he (I want to say 'she' because they come off like most of my female friends do, but as stupid as I am, you never know) didn't know how to fix it. Well, hell, some good newses:

1) My allergies aren't as bad! I'm still deaf in one ear and my cough is just as bad as it's been, but the weird dreams have stopped and my nose running doesn't interupt "7th Grade Algerbra Plus"! I know, my math teacher feels the need to draw it out like that.

2) My mom got blood presure meds, so the baby is safe

3) We've come up with a first name for mah baby sister. Her name is to be Isla, named after my great aunt Islabelle and my great-great grandmother Islanda.

We are still open for middle names!

Post Script:

Yo Camo, my mom's feedback on your names: She doesn't like "Luna" because it's the root word for "Lunatic" and "Lunacy", both reffering to insanity, and she's decided that "the rest just don't... y'know, flow with Isla..."

Chapter 11: Simon the Bet-Loser

Damo-o-o-o-o! I’m hungry-y-y-y-y-y!” whined Spike

“I don’t think I have anything to eat” I explained. “I’m probably going to have to go to the store!” Where was  I going to go to the store at? Sure, I could drive, but into town? I was underage, that’d be illegal.

“Find. A fucking way. To get food” seethed Harry. “This. Little shit. Will. Not. Stop. WHINING!!”

“He’s not a little shit” I said

“I know, but he’s ACTING LIKE ONE!” he screamed

“Grandpa and Mama can still drive, technically” I said. “Let’s get Pinkie and Rainbow, me, you, Spike, them, and Grandpa and Mama will go to the store and buy food”

“Why Rainbow? I understand Pinkie coming, but… What’s Rainbow going to do?” asked Harry

“Why, it’s elementarily, my dear Watson”

“My name’s Harry”

“I’ve known you fer 2 years now, I know yer name”

“I’m fucking with you”

“And me to you”

“Now this is getting awkward”

“And off topic!”

“You don’t say?” And then he did his Bruce Willis “You Don’t Say” face. Still gotta find a shorter name for that.

“And then we all died in a giant explosion, and all survivors ran naked thru what was left of the streets” said Price enthusiastically. “What’re we talking about over here?”

“You’re not going to the Commissary” I said

“What’s he talking about? What’s a commissary?” said Other Price

“It’s the army grocer, basically the Dillon’s of Fort Riley, except it isn’t on Fort Riley, it’s more… right-ish of it”

“Anyhoo, what’s Rainbow going to do?” asked Harry slowly

“Hell, she’ll make every thing we buy…” I started

“…20% cooler” finished Harry

“Yep Well, get the robot-zombies” I demanded

“Good, fine. Just get the fucking food so the dragon midget will shaddap” interjected Simon

“I really don’t like it when you call people younger than you ‘midgets’” I said

“Whatchya gonna do ‘bout it?” he challenged

“We’ll just see if you’re still alive” mumbled Harry

“Wait… WHAT?!” screamed Simon. I raised my fist and gave my best “intimidating” face. He cowered away. “Gah! Mercy! Uncle!”

“You just got scared” I said and backed away

“Wha- What?” he stammered. “You were on Applewhack-mack-what’s-her-face’s side the entire time?!”

“AJ! You won!” I yelled upstairs

“Your butt is mine, Simon” she said while coming down stairs. The southern drawl made it even more intimidating. “Tomarrah”

“Gulp” whimpered Simon

“Anyhoo, Imma find Rainbow, you get Pinkie, and Applejack, you have fun plotting and scheming” I said. I then turned to Simon and gave him the creepy JacksFilms trademark smile.

“Ya think he wet himself?” whispered Harry to me

“If he hasn’t already, AJ’s gonna make ‘im” I laughed. “Break!” Pinkie, of course, was dancing around the house.

“Pinkie! We’re going to the store! We want you to come!” I said. She bounced on top of me.

“Great! I’m so glad” she squeed. After, we found Harry.

“We are really dragging this out” said Harry

“Things need to be dragged, okay? You find Rainbow?” I asked

“Yeah, she was outside. Trying to figure out what kind of thing a car was” he explained

“Which one?”

“The Masda”

“That’s technically a flatbed”

“Shut up” laughed Harry. Now, to find my grandparents

“Mindless robot zombies! I summon thee!” I tried. No dice.

“Yo! Mama!” I tried again. No.

“Hey!” I tried once more. Nada.

“C’mon now!” I tried one more time. Nope, Chuck Testa.

“Damo‘s grandparents, I would like to converse with you!” Harry tried. It worked.

“God damn, man!”

“I have a gift”

“We would like to go to the store” I commanded

“O-kay” Mama said robotically

“The commissary, to be precise” insured Harry

“It will be done” finalized Grandpa, you guessed it, robotically

“Make it so!” I said in my best Picard voice

“Le’s go!” said Harry real fast

“Finally!” groaned Spike. He was getting really whiny, at this point. When we walked back thru the foyer, Simon was cowering still in the middle of the rug. As we all piled into the Mustang Mama was so lucky to find so cheap, I turned on Joshiana. Kid606’s Catstep-My Kitten-Catnap came on, it turned out everyone in the car could hear it. Again. Damn, I’d have to fix that!

“Hey, what’s that music you’re listening to?” asked Spike

“Kid606. You likey?” I answered

“Yes, if ‘likey’ means ‘like’, then yes” he confirmed

“Raised by a Grammar Nazi…” mumbled Harry

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Author’s Note Time: Sorry this chapter’s so short. I wrote with Henry, and all he wanted to do was play Happy Wheels and listen to Living Tombstone. Not that I don’t like them, especially combined, but I was trying to write. Well, my doctor put me on meds, so now I can breathe in peace. And I’m starting to think that the fact I can’t hear out of one ear had nothing to do with my allergies. Little Fun Fact, I’m writing this chapter from the farm!

Other Author’s Note: Hi, I’m Henry. I’ve never wrote an author’s note before! I will be writing a fanfic from an idea from CamoFlash, it is about a non-brony and a brony going to Equestria, and have to find some magical items to be used with the Elements of Harmony to go back home. And no red slippers will be a magic item in the story.

Chapter 12: Spike the Car Sick

The ride, I believed, would take about thirty minutes. Unless you were going to a pasture, other local farmer/renter (that’s how my grandparents made most of their money wads of cash, they rent all over th’ fuckin’ place), or nearby auction, you weren’t going to get there in under fifteen minutes, minimum. It was an hour’s drive to Abilene, about thirty to Chapman, a good twenty for Junction City, an hour half for Lawrence, thirty for base (where we were headed), and two hours for Salina. I looked over at Rainbow, then Mama driving, I realized Grandpa didn’t come along, Pinkie was in the passenger seat, Harry squished between me and Rainbow, and Spike on my other side. I noticed no one, but me and Harry having to share the same lap belt, was wearing a seat belt!

“Yo! Buckle up!” I said, force of habit

“What?” asked Pinkie

“D’oh! You aren’t going to know… If another car hits us, you wouldn’t want to go flying out the front of the car, would you?” I tried

“What’s a car?” she queried

“A car is what you’re in right now, but there’re millions of them!” I made an air rainbow with my hands. “But all ‘f ‘em ah’ act’lly different shapes, sizes, and colours!”

“I understand” nodded Rainbow

“Do ya really?” I asked

“Yeah, actually” she responded

“I do too!” squealed Pinkie

“Yer a fast learner” I stated

“Thanks!” she said

“Oog” groaned Spike. He looked very, I don’t know, ill, I guess the word is. Like sick, but not exactly.

“Wha’s wrong?” I asked concernedly

“I feel nauseous” he responded

“Car sickness” said me and Harry (Random Authors Note: I understand it’d be Harry and I, but that takes an element out of the story) in unison

“Ca-c-car sickness? I-is that l-like a disease?” stammered Spike

“No, it means when you get in the car, you’ll be sick. As in nausea and a headache. It normally happens when you have your first car ride, if you read while you’re driving, or you’ve been driving for a long time. It’d be one of the first times you’re in the car, but why didn’t you get sick earlier? On the way to the farm, I mean?” I explained

“I was sick then, too” he said, painfully

“Well, don’t buckle up” I warned. “That’ll just make it worse”

“You never explained that to me” remembered Pinkie

“Oh yeah, if a car hit us, you wouldn’t want to go flying out the window, would you?”

“No!” she said

“Then, see that black little belt behind your seat? That has two straps?” I asked

“Yeah?” she called back

“Pull up the first strap t’wards you”

“Okay. What’s this thingy?” she held up the buckle

“That’s a buckle. See that little black box with a red button and a hole?” I continued

“Yeah?” she responded

“Stick the metal part of the buckle in there” I commanded

“Oka—Woa-ho-ho-ho!” she laughed, surprised

“Quite the su’prise, eh? Now yer safe!” I said. I turned to Rainbow, and she had followed my instructions, too.

“Hey, we’re here!” said Harry as we pulled up to the Commissary. The Commissary had gotten a few changes since I had been away. It was larger, with more parking spaces, and it was a different colour. Same for the PX/EX! It had totally been renovated!

“They’ve made s’me changes, Mama?” I asked

“Yes” she said metallically as she exited the car

“Well, let’s go inside, but first…” I turned to Rainbow and Pinkie. “How old are you two?”

“Oh! I’m 21!” jumped Pinkie

“Um, I’m 27. Why?” asked Rainbow

“Good. Okay, Rainbow, if you feel the need to kick somebody’s ass, look to me. And if I do this…” I made a gesture where I put down my thumb and middle finger and waved my hand back and forth. “…feel free to. And, if anyone asks, Rainbow, your name is Trinity Daniels, and Pinkie, you’re Taylor Diane”

“But Diane is my middle name…” she started

“Now it’s your last one!” I said

“Okay…”

“Trinity Daniels… Has a nice ring to it” decided Rainbow

“You like?” I asked

“Yes” she responded

“Let’s move on…” said Spike as he walked t’wards the store

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Authors Note: I have been busy recently, so writing has been harder to get to, recently. I played Slender for the first time today. I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same I will never be the same. But, I wrote a rap, too. It involves ponies, random noises, and Fallout 3! Fus ro yay!

Authors Note: Grounded and Such

So-o-o... I'm grounded. More precisely, I'm grounded from the computer, which means no chapter updates anytime soon. I got grounded because I got a C on my math test. I'm sending this message in sneaky mode while I'm home alone, risking my life to let you guys know. Not really, but my mom can get pretty angry.

On the side, I'm writing two other books and a comic now. I'm writing the comic and illustrating it (I'd put illustrations in TPC, but I have no idea how to add pictures) and I'm writing one book by hand in a composition notebook, and typing another at our club at my middle school called "Written and Illustrated". It's all grades, so I was able to do it last year, but, I only have this school year and next if this is going to get published! I have a published work. It's called Sir Creatro, about a knight that builds a time machine.

Might as well take time to tell you what these other three time-consuming projects are about:

1) The comic is called "Mirror Games". It's about a writer named Aneti (that name makes sense in a second) who lives in a city that lives in fear of a gang (cliché, I know) named Ether. The gang's leader gets killed and they get a new one, Ins, who no one know where he came from, because no one's heard of him before now. After this gang leader gets elected (is that the right word?) Aneti starts waking up in alleys and evicted houses and on the street, and has no explanation why. As it turns out, Ins and Aneti (put those names together, you'll see what I did there) are somehow directly connected.

2) The book I'm writing by hand is called: "Sag Monfaro and Seggie Mandala in... Tommas F's Wheel" (which, knowing today’s society, will probably just be referred to as Tommas F's Wheel) about a Private Investigator named Sag Monfaro who, on his first case, saved a girl's life. Her name was Seggimana Mandala, Seggie for short. She came to live with him and they lived happily ever after, right? Nope! After a case gone awry, a man, named Tommas F (we never figure out what the F stands for), who was in a horrible car accident was rebuilt with a robot body with no arms, hands, legs, or feet. Instead, a metal claw that comes out of his chest and a wheel. But the wheel keeps breaking and he keeps stealing new, more valuable wheels, and it's up to Sag and Seggie to stop him.

3) Finally, the book for Written and Illustrated, is called "Just the Three of Me". It's about a kid who is pretending to be someone he's not (i.e. listens to music he doesn't like and watches shows he despises in order to be popular) that develops a second, and later third, personality. I'm hoping my friend CamoFlash will do the foreword. I like forewords.

Have fun in internet world. I'm hoping to be ungrounded by Saturday! You never know.

Chapter 13: Us the Grocery Shoppers

So, when we finally got in the store, which took a while, because Pinkie kept stopping and asking what things were, I grabbed a buggy and headed thru the slidey-automatic-automated-whatever-door-whatever-thing.

"Ooh, what's that? And-- *gasp*!! Those doors moved on their own! Hey-y-y-y, what does this thingy do?" she said as she zipped, and I think I literally mean she teleported from one place to the next, leaving a trail of pink, hot pink, and Caucasian behind her, around the store. The last thing she grabbed was one of those things, where when you tip it over it goes "Mwaaaaaaaaa", and it's supposed two be imitating a cow. You know those? No? Well, learn about it! She tipped it over.

"Mwaaaaaaaaa!" it went. She giggled.

She tipped it over again.

"Mwaaaaaaaaa!" it went, again. This was going to get old. Fast. She shook it. Great. Fan-fuckin'-tastic!

"Mwaa-Mwa-Mw-Mwaaaaaaaaa! Mwaaa-M-Mwaaaa-Mwaaaa-Mwa-Mwaaaaaaaaa!" it went

"Pink-- I mean, Taylor. You're making a scene"

"Oh, am I? Heehee! Well'p, le's get goin'" she giggled

"It's not funny, Taylor. Anyway, if you promise not to jump all over, squeal, touch things, and make a fool of yourself, I might just take you to the bakery" I tempted

"You have a bakery here?!?!" she gasped, realized the rest of what I said, blushed, and calmed down. "I mean, that would be awesome, thank you!" she corrected herself and gave me a hug, the kind where her left foot's in the air.

"Dude, you are re-he-hed! I mean redder than red!" said Harry as we walked on. I guess getting hugged would do that kind of thing to me. Same thing happened when my female friend (a friend who happens to be a girl, not a girlfriend) Caliope gave me a hug. (Random Author's Note: True story, and I didn't even bother to change Caliope's name!). We continued to trot along very tsoukou. (Tsoukou is of Greek origin, is pronounced soo-koh, and means "slowly, at one's own pace") I realized Rainbow must be miserable. All this moving so slow, no ability to fly, the only need for speed she'll be getting in a while is possibly playing the video game online. Damn, she wasn't going to be happy for long. If she was even happy now. I walked up to her

"You look miserable. You're bored with this world, aren't you?" I surmised. Then, I added quickly: "It's okay if you are"

"Yes" she sighed. "It's not you guys, besides Simon and the occational awkward side comment or two from Price, I think you guys are awesome. It's just that... Just that..." she trailed off

"You miss the ability to fly and travel at Mach speeds?" I finished helpfully

"Exactly!" she exclaimed.

"I know something that can help. I know how, so I can teach you, and I could get robozombie-Grandpa's help, too!" I encouraged as an idea went ding fresh outta th' oven

"What? What?!" she asked impatiently

"I could teach you how to drive" I said coolly. Her expression went from excited to confused.

"Drive?" she asked

"Yeah, sure!" I said.

Then I realized she had no idea what I was talking about. "You remember the car? I could teach you how to use one. They go really fast"

"Really?" her face brightened up.

"Really. Although I may not be old enough to drive, I can still teach you how" I continued

"Jeez, how old d'ya have ta be around here?" she muttered. That's right, they still thought we were adults. I gulped.

"Hey, what's this stuff?" Pinkie pointed to the... Oh god, the meat!

"Get-away-from-there-you-don't-wanna-see-that!" I said so quickly it got jammed into one sentence. I remembered back to Doctor Whooves and The Assistant episode one: Ponies are of equine origin, so they'd be herbivores, and they sure wouldn't cannibalize something so close to their own species. That meant, as humans, they'd be vegetarians! "Let's take them to the Vegetarian Aisle!" I suggested

"Who's Vegatairen Ayel?" mispronounced Pinkie. And misunderstood.

"You guys were herbivores, meaning you only ate plants--"

"We know what a herbivore is!" urged Rainbow impatiently

"--so you didn't eat meat. That kind of human is called a 'vegetarian'" I finished

"And there's a whole aisle in the store dedicated to serve thier ways" added Harry

"And they have tofu, which, by my calculations, is the equivalent of feran!"

"Did you just say calculations?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You don't calculate, you guess"

"Do you mean me in specific or people in general?"

"You in specifi-- Look, let's just move on" he shook his head

"There's something I want to ask you about, Harry" I whispered. "Why did they turn into humans? Shouldn't they be the colour of thier hide?"

"You're right. Rainbow isn't exactly cyan anymore" he agreed

"Cyan! That's the colour! I knew it wasn't blue!" I realized

"Cyan is technically a shade of blue" he corrected

"Everything has a shade nowadays" I muttered

"Hey, turn left!" directed Harry. "We're here" he finalized as we turned

"Tofu bacon!" I shouted. "Skim milk for some reason! And, ooh, pistachios!"  I looked at the items around me. "Where do you think they keep the Maggi Hackbraten?"

"You mean that delicious German meatloaf your dad makes?" asked Harry

"Yup!" I said with a smile

"Lets grab some veggies and vegetarian items, the Hackbraten mix, and stop by the bakery and ditch this joint! Spike, Trinity, Taylor, each grab something you want. I personally want some bacon, and it being tofu can't make it bad!" I planned. Rainbow got some ham, Spike actually got pistachios, and Pinkie got some tofu beef jerky. Beef jerky? I didn't know they mad that in tofu. I grabbed the Maggi Hackbraten seasoning mix, which they were almost out of, and Pinkie wanted a brownie. It looked delicious, but it was hers. We paid, (Mama-zombiebot was with us, remember?), loaded up the car, and drove home. Pinkie showed Rainbow how to buckle up, and Spike asked about diamonds.

"Where can a guy get some diamonds?" he asked.

"It's not physically possible for humans to eat diamonds" I explained. He groaned and held his stomach.

Chapter 14: Twilight the Human Culture Studier

Rainbow, Harry, and me (Random Author's Note: I'm aware that because in this case I am the subject, not the predicate, of the sentence and the correct term would be 'Rainbow, Harry, and I" instead. Just putting that out there in case a Twilight Equivalent Grammar Nazi wants to correct me) put up the groceries while Pinkie and Spike went to watch the TV. Zombot-Mama slipped into the mudroom (Random Author's Note II: The mudroom is a kind of foyer area where you come in and take off all of your dirty clothes. For example, and this happens surprisingly often, you are walking on the muddy banks of a pond and you sink in. You'd come in the mudroom and take off your pants), pro'b'ly jus' takin' a load of laundry out. I didn't like these new grandparents. After unloading I went to see Twilight.

"Is it possible to change them back to the way they w're?" I asked. She was on the computer. She looked... Well, she looked pretty pissed.

"Who?" she asked impatiently. Damn, she was pissed!

"My grandparents. Man, you look angry. Wha's 'a matter?" I asked nonchalantly

"As if you don't know" she huffed. She was really being a woman. Maybe she was already accustomed to the vague anger of human females?

"I really don't..." I ventured. If she was any other woman, I'd've been slapped to the ground by now. Luckily she didn't know to do that.

"You called me a Nazi!" she gestured to the screen. It showed Hitler and Von Raven-something. Forget his name, but he was recognizable! There was apparently a whole story on it. And that wasn't even the only tab.

"No, I called you a Grammar Nazi. There's a difference" I went on to explain. "A Grammar Nazi corrects people's grammar and is really strict and down-putting 'bout it. I'd never call anyone a Nazi. To be truthful I think Germany is awesome and Hitler's just given it a bad name. Why, I have friend from Germany who says he thought his country was hate--"

"I really don't care. Just, I'm sorry for freaking out on you like that"

"Thank Nica Lorber you aren't any other woman, I'd be beaten and bloody by now!" I said, relieved

"What's a woman? Why would one have beaten you up? And who's Nica Lorber?" she asked

"Well, a woman is a grown human female, a man a grown human man, a boy a male child, a girl a female child. Basicly woman means mare. Man would mean stallion, boy: colt, girl: filly. Men aren't supposed to talk back to women. They get slapped if they do that. And lastly, Nica Lorber is a voice for a cartoo. Called Happy Tree Friends. She plays my favorite character, Flaky" I explained. Warning: if you have a weak stomach or just plain dissaprove of violence, or are anywhere in-between, Happy Tree Friends is not for you. It contains disturbing images, blood, gore, extreme violence, et al. (i.e. Cuddles falls into the closing elevator doors, gets cut in half, and then the elevator strethes out his intestines)

"Ah. Well, I'm not like that, so I forgive you" she said in monotone. Then I realized she was typing and reading English!

"How do you know what you're typing? How're ya even reading?"

"Well between what I learned off you at Derpy's and what Harry taught me, I have a good understanding of the language, and I figured out this thing is like a typewriter. Press a letter here--" she typed an e and gestured to the screen "--and it comes out here!" she explained

"Same basic technology, yes. I guess when/if you go back, only unicorns and Spike will be able to write it, eh?" I said

"How do you say?"

"Well, seeing as it's virtually impossible to write that with your mouth, only those who don't have to use their mouth could"

"I suppose you're correct"

"Hey, now th't Spike ain't 'round, I'd like to explain R34 if you don't mind it none" my voice dropped to a whisper. "I trust Price shared the anatomy of a human?"

"Yes. Rainbow nor Pinkie made it even halfway through, Rarity and Fluttershy excused themselves around the middle, and AJ left during my favorite part, the reproductive system. I just find it fascinating that by simply--" I cut her off right there. Wasn't goin'a listen to that.

"Yes, yes, it has to do with that. Could you keep it down? Anyway, so he taught you about the..." I made a hole with my hands and ran my finger into and out of it a few times. "...right?"

"Yes" she nodded

"And so you know, you know that is considered very inappropriate? Well, R34 is, well, as Price or Gabriel would say, 'Pony on Pony'" Gabriel was a very vulgar dude. He made vulgar comments, That's What She Said jokes, masturbation and sex jokes, and often pretended (or at least I hope he was pretending) to jack off under his desk. Funny guy. (Random Author's Note: The character Gabriel is based an actual fiend of mine, Gaibe. His name is seriously Gaibe, it's not short for Gabriel. Hince I named his character that. He was cool with it)

"Don't tell me you mean..." she began

"Yep. The most popular ones are Big Mac with Rarity and Rainbow with..." I trailed off. How would she take this? "...Well, this may get a bit lesbian. Don't get me wrong, lesbians are cool, I know some (Random Author's Note: I actually do. FYI, these are going to be called RANs from now on) and they are really good friends of mine (RAN: Only one of them is actually my friend), don't get me wrong. It's just, I don't think Rainbow's one"

"Get on with it. She's not, by the by"

"Rainbow and..." I gulped "Rainbow and you." Unexpectedly, her expression stayed at one of intrest and learning. She made a rolling motion with her hand.

"How do you know this?"

"Well, sometimes when I go to look for funny pony pictures or wallpapers, I forget to turn off the filter. And also... I may or about missing his 'poop styling’s' in Ponyville. I later figured out you meant YouTube Poop. How do you know?"

"Well, one of his signature things is hiding typed messages around his videos. In the poop 'Discord Gets Off to Ponies' one of those messages read: 'I clop to ponies. U mad?'. Of course, whatever he's going to do. He's not me" I explained (RAN: It's true he does and that text blurb is in that video. It's during Sweetie Belle's song, on the moon. But watch out. There's a scary still frame picture on one of the parts with Fluttershy in the picture. Search for it only if you want nightmares)

"Okay. You run along then" she made a shooing motion with her hand. I decided it was dinner time. Tofu Bacon was on the menu. I flipped around.

"Oh, wait, Twilight. You never answered my question"

"Oh? And what was that?"

"Can you give my grandparents thier personalities back? Without them realizing they don't know who you are? Like, make it so they act like they know you and you're regular farmhands?" I asked. She thought a moment

"Yes. But give me time" she decided.

Chapter 15: Me the Cook

I cooked some tofu bacon, nice and chewy, the way it was meant to be, and some of my Lawrence-famous eggs. Here's the recipe:

Ingredients needed:

Onion powder

Garlic powder

Thyme

3 eggs per person eating

Sharp or mild cheddar/Colby jack cheese

Utensils needed:

Bowl (prefferably the kind you'd eat soup or Hamburger Helper in)

Fork (large, the kind you'd use to make hold still things you're cutting)

Medium sized pan

Spatula

Directions:

1) Crack the number of eggs required, three for each person eating, into a bowl.

2) Use the fork to beat it into a milky yellow substance. While beating, beat in a bit of onion powder and thyme.

3) Get the pan and spatula ready. Once the eggs have been beaten thouroughly, dash in quite a bit of garlic. Heat any one of the eyes on the the range, or surface of the oven, to six. If your oven's range doesn't heat up that way, I can't help you.

Cook's tip: Butter the pan!

4) Set down the pan on the heated eye and pour the contents of the bowl into the pan. Let it sit for 30 seconds. In these seconds get the cheese and grater ready for use.

Another Cook's tip: If you have already made the bacon, cook it in the pan you cooked the bacon in! It may sound and look disgusting, but the bacon grease gives it a taste you can't get anyplace else!

5) After these 30 seconds are up, start flipping around the eggs until there are no liquids in the pan. Att this point, you should shred piles upon mountains of cheesy goodness onto your eggs.(RAN: When that was originally written, there was a typo. It read: "At this point, you will want to start shredding piles of cheesy goodness on your eyes". LAUGHING LAUGHING LAUGHING) Let it sit for a second or five, and turn off the eye, move the pan to a cold eye, and try to spead the melting cheese around the eggs, and serve equal portions to everybody. Or everypony in my case. (RAN: This is my actual recipe. Make it, and when your friends ask "What is this fantabulous recipe for eggs?", I give you full premision to say "A twelve year old from Lawrence Kansas who writes books and fanfictions. A particular fanfiction he wrote is The Ponyville Conundrum!". You can even give a detailed plot summary as they whisk you off to the loony bin!)

"Mmm... Theesh err delishush; Wut ish et?" said Rainbow through a mouthful of eggs. Now I know why not to speak while I chew, it's not understandable..

"What was that?" I asked. She swallowed.

"I said: These are delishious; what is it?" she corrected herself.

"Oh, this is my special eggs recipe" I explained

"Mmm! I just love eggs! What did you put on it?" chirped Pinkie

"Onion and garlic powder, butter, thyme and cheese" I listed. Applebloom and Applejack grew pale.

"D-did y'all sa-sayee... onion powder?" stammered Applebloom

"Yes. Whassa matter?" I worried

"Ah'm allergayec to onyens!!!" she screamed and ran into the kitchen. (RAN: How do ya like my Applebloom writin'? She's fun, I should use her again later) AJ rushed after her.

"Is this a good situation to just sit an' do nuthin'?" I asked

"Yeah, prolly" confirmed Other Price. After dinner I decided to check on her. All it did was make her throat swell a bit. Not enough to stop the airflow. She said she felt okay, no need for a hospital, but I was gonna run her by Walgreens if she wasn't okay by morning.

The rest of dinner went peacefully. We watched Johnny Test while we ate. You wouldn't beleive it (Drippity drip! Hear that sarcasm?) but Rarity thought Bling Bling Boy was dressed horribly.

After that I went ahead and watched an episode of Happy Tree Friends where Flaky and Cuddles went swimming. It was one of the first episodes, and I have seen it, like, thirty times before, but I don't care. Then I went to sleep upstairs, in my spot. I woke to some of Simon's trademark yelping.

Chapter 16: Simon the Punished

That was the first thing I noticed wrong. The next thing I noticed wrong is that I was alone in bed. The next thing was that, besides me, AJ and Simon were the only people in the room. The next thing: It was five in the morning. The last thing? I had no pants on, my hand was down... there, and my hand was sticky. Shit! I'd never, never, never masturbate with so many women in the house. And I didn't even remember it! But I did dream about it.

As you may remember, (RAN: This was brought up in the first part) I have a sleep disorder. Everything I dream is either a nightmare or relevent, such as: I have a dream about holding a hiest and then the next day I steal a Reader's Digest. Well, last night I dreamed about having sex with... Well, let's not speak of that right now. And I woke up, all jacked out! (RAN: "All jacked out" is a slang term meaning "masturbated until produced semen and falling asleep") I tried to find my pajama pants, they were on the ground. I quickly and stealthily put on my pants and flailed out of bed. I turned to see a better view of AJ standing over Simon.

"What's go'n' on 'ver 'ere?" I asked groggily. AJ turned around, smilin' real big. Simon stood up. He had a wet rag on his face, and he looked miserable. I realized today was the "Simon's Weird Punishments Day", a day to go down in history.

"Was a wet rag really necessary?" he screeched

"Boy, dis is your punishment day. Our redemption day. For all the horrible things you've done to us. Me, Harry, Price, and Tyler" (RAN: Tyler is a character that's going to be brought up a lot more. He will be modeled after my fellow brony and friend Tyreese. Tyreese is a good guy, I trust you'll like his character Tyler more) I explained. He mumbled and wandered to the bathroom. AJ firmly stopped him.

"Nuh-uh, buddy colt. You ain't goin' nowhere" she said, voice coated in pure, ironic playful hatred (RAN: "Playful hatred" is a slang term for "faux hate, faking hatred to scare or joke around". In this case, ". This odd name originates from the act of jacking off, seeing as you do jack off with your dominant hand, in most cases) a light lick. Yecch! Salty!

Don't get me wrong, I've masturbated with company before (RAN: True story) and three times as much otherwise. I used to do it every night (RAN: Almost true story, my sleep disorder, which is not the same one as is in the story, sometimes requires me to jack off because I'm not tired enough. I'd rather have to jack off for two hours so I can go to sleep than get no sleep at all) but this was a different scenario. I got in the shower.

The water was scalding at first, but I quickly got used to it. After a solid to minutes standing in the water, I began to wash myself down. Focusing mainly on the hand in which unspeakable things happen (RAN: "The hand in which unspeakable things happen" is another slang term meaning... Aw, fuck, you get the idea) and just working from there. Afterwards I dressed and went down for breakfast.

Pinkie was making cupcakes for breakfast. I was going to protest, but then I remembered back to those faithful words of Spencer Shay (RAN: I watch iCarly. Deal with it):

"Don't say: 'Pie? For breakfast?" Say: 'Pie for breakfast! Yay!'" But then again, we were having cupcakes. Eh, close enough.

Pinkie? Wh't're ye doin?" I scrathed the back of my head. She pranced around the kitchen. "It's five in the morning"

"Five thirty-eight, actually" she beat some eggs into a bowl and poured it into a pot. Damnit! Does everybody already know how to read and write? I sighed and moved to the TV room across the hall. Sure as stone, they were all asleep. I stubbed my toe on the TV frame, ran into a table, and the two coasters, cup of pens, assorted newspapers, half-empty glass cup orange juice, and toy car fell to the floor in a loud "Cluahbhbshfiaaadnfcnnnnfikoaqpakdajdjdbhasbsbsbsbssssskskssk tinlk odododododdod kninini dinklatink!!!"

"Shit!" I half whisper-shouted/half grunted and fell to the floor, and I landed next to a pile of assorted things from on the table I knocked over. I took a pen to the back and a peice of glass to the face. No arrows in the knee, thankfully. (RAN: Whilst he didn't write this chapter, the arrow to the knee thing Henry put in) Of course that woke everyone up. Fluttershy went into a fit of "OmiCelestiaOmiCelestiaOmiCelestia"s when she noticed the gaping cut gushing out blood from my chin.

"What is that stuff?!" Rarity asked, disgusted

"Blood" I groaned and covered the wound with my hand. "Pinkie! I could use a load'a napkins!"

"Wait, blood isn't supposed to leave the body, unless... Damo, what magic spell protects humans?" she queried quickly. She then began to pace.

"Um, Twilight? Hate to break it to ya, but up until the point of which you spelled Treven's grandparents there hasn't been any magic on Earth" informed Price. Twilight stopped dead in her tracks.

"No magic? No fucking magic?" she inherited the word from us. It somehow fit her. "Hey, that feels good. No wonder you use those words so often"

"That's beside the point, Twilight. You may very well be the third person to do magic" said Other Harry. He all turned to him and looked at him funny. I even pulled a rubber face.

"Third person?" Other Me asked

"Penn and Teller!"

"That's eye tricks and cleverness, no magic"

"Whatever, it's inexplicable and awesome, that's magic to me!"

"Guys!" I chimed in. "Moving on! I'm bleeding profusely from the chin, here!"

"Here's your napkins!" Pinkie skipped in the room. She took one look at my blood and looked worried. Not scared, not confused, but worried. "How'd you start bleeding?" she looked up at me. Damnit, Pinkie!! Why do you have to know everything already?

"How do you know what blood is? How, well, all this? You seem to know more than you should"

"Well, I used to work with one'f the smartest guys I know!"

"Price? Harry's the smartest of us!" I said. He was, Price second, me last. (RAN: Actually, it goes, from smartest to stupidest, using the real names of my closest friends: Darcy, Calliope, Ciara, Henry, Tyreese, Gaven, Nick, Pace, Gracynn, Shawna, Daniel Ozaki; not the Daniel from Germany, his sister Megan Ozaki, Henry's younger brother Ryan, Me, and Robert and Sam)

"Well, Price showed me a lot. How to read, how to write, he even showed me about humans, how they work, and how 'no magic is present on this hell bound world', that's what he says" she explained. "The way that came up is that he slipped and banged his head on the stove. Realy gory"

"Yes, well I'm losing blood here. Can I get five or so napkins?" I asked. She handed me seven. I pressed then against the wound. "I'd clean it up, but AJ has a slave-for-a-day. Simon!"

"I don't have to answer to you!" he called back

"Yes y'all do! Get yer ass down here" AJ called. Then quieter: "Twi's right. That does feel good"

"Fine, coming" he called back. This was going to be good. Simon faints at the sight of blood. And that, is exactly what he did.

I had to keep myself from laughing. I know, that probably makes me a bad person. And I would've gushed a bit more blood out. Of course, no matter how it sickened him, Simon still sopped the blood up. And swept up the remains of the glass and table, the table broke, and the remnants of what fell off it. I put a bandage, and not a Band-Aid, either, a fucking bandage, on the cut. (RAN: That story was actually based on an actual event. I don't know the two are similar. Once I was doing the dishes, and I was washing a wine glass. I had my sponge inside, and I slid on some stray dishwater on the floor. The wine glass did not shatter, but I think "exploded" is a better term. Anyway, I got a piece of glass lodged in my knuckle. I cleaned up the blood, we did use a Band-Aid, and it happened in a kitchen) I got on the computer. I checked my e-mail and my Facebook. It had been ages since I was on Facebook.

I then went to play Happy Wheels then. I do have an account, but I barely make level s anymore. (RAN: Lie. I still make them all the time) I decided to put on some Slipknot. For some reason I was in a "Vermillion Part 2" mood. After that I simply decided that wasn't kickass enough. Wait! The perfect song! Especially for Happy Wheels. I kept with the Slipknot vibe, but played their everything else. Vermillion parts 1 and 2 are their only really mellow songs. I played thier song "People=Shit". Because they usually do. (RAN: Those are words to live by) While I killed people in some corey1873 levels, Simon vacuumed. While I was in the level editor, he stood and held AJ's drink. Then I had a great idea. A mean, horrible person's idea, but an idea. I had to go to the bathroom.

"Hey, Simon! Come with me" I called. As he walked in, I pissed all over the toilet seat. I zipped up my pants and said "Clean that up"

I waited till out the door to cringe and realize I had zipped a giant part of my pubic hair in my pants. I fixed it and got back on the computer.

I must've been on there for hours. It was lunch by the time I got off. Mama had boughten a Papa Murphy's pizza. Twilight had apparently switched my grandparents from Robo-Zombie back to Hate-Republican. I love my grandparents the way they are. No matter how rude and unreasonable thier views are. It was cheese. That's okay, I love cheese. I especially love parmesan. (RAN: True, all of it. From the part about my grandparents to the parmesan) Scootaloo really liked pizza. The fact that we were the basic only ones eating the large I started, she got really close to me so we could share. That's the closest a girl has ever gotten to me, 'sides Calliope. (RAN: Untrue. I've been kissed. And I'm not talking about my mom, 'cuz it'as on the mouth)

"Thish ish good. Whajyoo cull et mmgen?" she said thru a mouth full of pizza

"Pizza" I responded

"Can I have some?" screeched Simon as he walked in the room

"You ain't gettin' no food today" seethed AJ. For a 267 pound thirteen, well, he was fourteen by then, year old. You see, Simon was held back in school a year, and we were in Equestria for a year, so I was thirteen and he was fourteen. (RAN: Sam really was held back a year. But, I did not, in fact, spend a year in Equestria. So, I'm still twelve and he's thirteen)

"Double negative" mumbled Twilight. Geez.

"Grammar Nazi" mumbled Other Price back. Double geez.

"Shillings! Now not! Euros! Is now!" Other Me suddenly exclaimed in a Gumby voice. A Gumby isn't a green jelly guy in this case, but it's a dude with a towel on his head and rain boots who talks like an idiot. It's from Monty Python's Flying Circus.

I turned to him and plainly demanded: "Shut up"

"So, can I sit?" moaned Simon

"No" said AJ harshly

"What can I do then?" he continued to whine. She thought it over.

"You can refill my drink" she decided. Simon sighed and walked into the kitchen. A few minutes later Simon walked in. The liquid in the cup was not the orange soda I recommended and Simon poured earlier, but a green-ish colour. Mountain Dew most likely. I liked Mountain Dew, but when AJ took a sip, she took such a double take that her ponytail went flying over her head, sending her hat to the floor.

"The hay is this shit?!" she screamed and splashed the liquid in his face. She chased him to the kitchen and I followed. "Pour me a new drink!" she demanded. Simon shook his head.

"No. I've been treated like shit all day" Simon screeched. AJ karate kicked him. Did I ever bring up the giant glass sliding door that took up most of the back kitchen wall? No? Well, Simon went flying thru it.

Author's note: Sorry this took so long to put up! I was in Florida, and I got really sick after the flight. So I just now had the time to put up this chapter. I had it written before I went to Pensacola in the first place, just was grounded and was. How did I write it, you ask? Email on my phone!

Well, as my two biggest fans would say:

:scootangel: and NOW ONWARDS TO ADVENTURE!

-Treven DH out

Chapter 17: Finale

Authors Note: This finale is actually a collection of short chapters that make up the finale

PART ONE: SIMON THRU THE GLASS

He layed on the porch, and I heard someone screaming. I turned to see that it was Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Twilight, and Rainbow in unison, all with looks of pure horror on their faces. Applejack just looked as if she were millions of miles into space, I guess thinking about what she had done. Pinkie began to cry, you know her. Scootaloo began running around the kitchen franticly. Applebloom, Fluttershy, and Spike stayed in the TV room and cowered. All the Harry's, Price's, and Me's just stood there, mouths agape. Me and Twilight gathered around Simon's body. (RAN: Is "gathered" the right word?) I put my ear (RAN: If this were real life, I'd've used my left ear, I'm temporarily deaf in the right)to his chest to check if he was breathing.

"What are you doing?" yelled Twilight

"Checking to see if he's breathing" I explained

"But you only stop breathing if..."

"It's harder than that here, Twilight" (RAN: That's what she said)

"Oh, yes, no spell. Please tell me he's breathing"

"I... Can't tell, I, should... Check, his... Pulse" Sure as stone, he had a pulse. "He has a pulse" Everyone sighed in relief.

PART TWO: ALCHOHOL

The next day, I woke up to Applejack snoring. It was 10:43.

"Applejack" I whispered. No response.

"Applejack!" I whispered louder.

"AJ!" I said at a normal speaking voice. She turned in her sleep.

"AJ!"

(RAN: Each of these are to the tune of a song, so I put the song in the form of a link over the stuff. It could be from more than one song, so I recomend you click on both!)

"A-pple, apple apple, Applejack" (to the tune of Spoon Man)

"Apple-Apple-Applejack, Apple-Apple-Appleja-ha-hack" (to the tune of Alejandro)

"Apple Applejack, apple apple Applejack" (to the tune of Mistadobilina or Zilch)

"Apple-apple, Applejack, apple apple apple apple Applejack" (to the tune of Rock 'N' Roll)

"A-happlejack, ah aaaaaaah, Applejack, Ap-ple-jack, ah-ha, Applejack" (to the tune of Crush on You or Crush on You)

"Goddamnit, APPLEJACK!" She snorted and grogily rolled over. "You should be used to waking up earlier than the city boy, you worked on a farm for fuck's sake!"

"It's not a scruple a' mine" she mumbled and tried to go back to sleep. I ended up dragging her out of her sleeping bag, that got her up.

When I got downstairs, I saw that Rainbow was getting into Grandpa's Hienikens!

"Nonononono!" I shouted and ran t'wards her. I let go of Applejack, and she fell to the ground. I slapped the beer out of Rainbow's hand thru the broken glass slidey-door. "You never, ever drink beer" I lectured. "It'll destroy your brain and liver, and make you look a damns down fool in the process!"

"Why?" she asked

"The alchohol! And there might be some other key elements! Just... Take my word for it!"

"Why? You've drank it before?" she asked

"Well, there's an age limit, so no" I said, then clapped my hands over my mouth. They didn't know my true age, and I hadn't planned on telling them!

"What's the age limit? Thirty?" I guess I had to get it out there

"N-No... 21"

"Hell, I'm 27! I can drink it. But, you said brain rot, so, um, you're twenty?"

"N-No..."

"Um, wait. How old are you?"

"I-we're all, me, H-Harry, Price, actually Simon's a year older, we're all..."

"Spit it out!" she was getting impatient

"I'm thirteen. Harry's thirteen. Pace is thirteen. Simon is, well, Simon got held back a year in school, so he's fourteen" I expected her to explode with anger, bring the saying "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned" to life kind of thing, but no. She simply picked me up by the collar.

"You, were lying to us?!"

"No! You never asked!"

"Then why? Why go after Derpy?"

"How was I supposed to know you guys were in yer friggin' twenties?"

"Well, techincally Rarity's thirty..."

"But still. The only refrence to age is that in one episode Fluttershy says to Pinkie: 'Actually, I'm a year a year older than you'. That's all!" She let me go. Pinkie helped me up. Rainbow ended up permenantly stretching the collar of that shirt.

PART 3: DERPY LESS THAN THREE DAMO AND VICE VERSA

Fast forward two weeks.

Over these two weeks, Grandpa and I had taught Rainbow to drive.

Me, her, and Derpy decided to agree to

Grandpa's request to go to the Co-Op for grain.

As you may know by now, I can drive stick. (RAN: Sorta true. Still haven't mastered the art of reverse) Well, I decided to take the Masda and drive myself and the other two to the Co-Op.

"But, as we get close, you'll have to drive. The age to be legally drive is sixteen" I explained to Rainbow on the way. "I might actually join Derpy in the backseat, to make it believable" And to just be able to chill with Derpy. "Now, there are some horny rednecks at this Co-Op. If they try to hit on you, I'll do this..." I stuck my middle and ring fingers out only. "...you have premission to kick their ass. Oop! We're almost there! I can see the silos. Swap" I pulled over, got in the back, and she drove us the rest the way. It surprizingly still went smoothly.

When we popped up at the destination, Rainbow was asked out of the car. Standard Co-Op procedure. She was to help monitor the grain flow into the back of the black Toyota pickup.

Now, as predicted, the two rednecks that always hit on the girls at the Co-Op were working. I never figured out their names. (RAN: Half lie. One of them is Phillip) Well, you're probavly asking, "How can this dude know if they're hitting on Rainbow?" Well, I can read lips.

As I friendily conversated with Derpy, Rainbow continued to look bored with the hillbilly people. This is unusual for me, but I decided to make the first move. (RAN: How unoften, you ask? I've never actually made the first move. It's always been the girl, and I've only been made three moves on. I, do not have luck with the ladies) I put my arm around her! Bam! She leaned her head on mine! Double bam! I let that sit for a moment, then I went in for the kill! Cue the La Roux song! What's "the kill", you ask? A kiss! Oh, but I got more than that. No, not like that! I'm thirteen for fucks sake! (RAN: I've said it before: 12) I made out with an eighteen year old!! (RAN: That's inacurate. I've never made out, actually. I mean, I've never gotten tongue. That's what that means, correct?) I got tongue from an 18 year old. (RAN: Still going on that) After about what seemed 2-4 minutes I glanced outside. The hillbilly on Rainbow's side was oogling her. Then his lips moved. He said: Nice pair. Shit. I didn't break out of the kiss, but I flashed the symbol. I went back to eyes closed mode. I thought about it for a moment: How did Derpy know about kissing? Why was she making out with me? Well, I suppose she knew about kissing, and I was already a love intrest, so... Then a bang from behind me. I broke out and swung around. Rainbow had taken the redneck's head, and banged it against the glass of the door. It didn't shatter, just broke hardcore. Blood run down the cracks. Rainbow jumped in the car.

"Alright lovebirds; I don't know if what I just did was completely legal, so let's ska-scoot" she said quickly and took off. She drove us the rest of the way home.

PART 4: CATCHING UP

Another week passed. Little to my knoledge, Rarity had gotten into Mama's sewing kit, and had Rainbow go out and buy her new sewing glasses. She made them all outfits.

Twilight got a pink and hot pink tee, the collar and sleeves were hot pink and the body pink, and a black jacket. She also got black zipperless jeans.

Fluttershy got a green and cream swirled top, I wouldn't call it a tee, but it was a shirt none the less, and cordouroys, dark brown.

Pinkie got a still pink still tank top, but it frilled at the bottom, and hot pink sweat combo. At this point I think Rarity also got more fabrics and such, because Mama didn't have these supplies.

AJ got an orange button up shirt and dark blue work slacks. Also, a new hat. The old one, as you couldn't tell from the show, was battered, beaten, and old. She held onto it. And: A new ponytail holder. This one was green.

Rainbow got a, of cource, cyan tee with gray and orange slacks. Slacks. Rainbow enjoyed them, so whatever.

Rarity, for herself, made a white formal buisness shirt and a purple dress.

Scoots got an orange shirt with a purple line diagonally left thru the shirt. Sweetie a similar design, a white shirt with a hot pink stripe vertically. And Applebloom's yellow with a red stripe diagonally right thru the shirt. So original, Rares. Sarcasmic qualities should go with the previous sentence.

And for Spike, ahem, I mean "Spikey-Wikey", a purple shirt with green overcoat and gray cargos. He was stylin'. No sarcasm.

As the first day of donning these new outfits, we all shared stories. Rarity went first. She told of when she opened the store.

"I was seventeen at the time. As you seven may know, I live in my store. Upstairs. Well, the idea came from Sweetie. My parents never liked the idea of me selling the clothes I made, but they moved out, because they had better things to in Canterlot. I don't mean that spitefully, they litterally had mor important buisness, and decided I was capable of living on my own. I found out a few months later about li'l Sweetie on the way. Now, I had made friends with a certain Octavia, 2nd chair cellist in the Canterlot Royal Orcherastra, you know. Could be 1st chair, she's really good, but she isn't. No matter how imbarassing, I had no idea there was a second and third chair for any orchresta..." me and Other Me shared a sidelong glance. You see, we were in orcherestra in the sixth grade. (RAN: I was. I played viola. It was miserable. Horrible. Wish I'd never done it) Obviously, there's a second and third chair. "... Anyway, so Octavia bought a dress. She was so impressed, she spread the word around. You know, it's sad. She was only allowed to wear the collar for the preformances. That's how I met AJ and her brother.." she sighed dreamily and got a dreamy look on her face to match, and snapped to reality. "...was a job making Big Macintosh a tux and Applejack a dress. A wedding or something" she looked to AJ. She nodded.

"Apple Fritter and Moonshade" she confirmed

"And from there it kind of started blossoming. About three years later, on my twentieth birthday. All my best friends and family were there. Applejack had become a good friend of mine, Berry Punch, well, we had known eachother all our lives. Litterally, we had played as foals. Golden Harvest was the person who went to the spa with me before Fluttershy. Bubbles had done my hair the entire time I was in Ponyville. And, well, the Doctor was my coltfriend at the time. We, broke up a year later. But we were still friends. And little 3 year old Sweetie and my parents were there. After the cutting of the cake, Sweetie pulled me aside and recomended I opened a shop. And so I did" Everyone else told stories, like AJ told of when she got her hat, Twilight how she spilled coffee all over the Princess's rug, and tried to magic the stain away, but ended up ripping the rug, very Regular-Show-esque if you ask me, and how Scootaloo got suspended for writing "Ms. Scarlet Rose is dumb!" on the chalkboard. All great stories, but Rarity's kept coming back into mind. Why did her parents not tell her a baby sister was on the way? How is a baby born in Equestria? What is the rational of free dresses? If not free, the now much is each dress? Why am I so interested in Rarity all of a sudden? Alas, none of these questions got answered.

PART 5: I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE. FOR NOW. SEE YOU LATER.

My parents were coming back from vacation in a couple of days, and Twilight wanted home. I got a goodbye kiss from Derpy, woo-wee, that girl can kiss, and Twilight glowed her forehead, which looks super fucked up, and hugged me. I also got a hug from Pinkie and a fistpound from Rainbow. As the spell powered up, Simon walked in. He tripped, a magic explosion, and the Mane 6, CMC, and Spike were gone. And Simon with them. Shit!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Author's Note: IF YOU DON'T READ AUTHOR'S NOTES, YOU SHOULD READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT! The point of view for the next part will be first person still, but from Twilight's Point Of View. How awesome is that?! Henry has a fic coming up.

Chapter 5: Ponies the Humans (Uber Short Chapter Sorry There's School Tomorrow)

It was an exact replica of me. God, I thought there must have been come kinda side effect with the teleportation to this world. Alas, there was not.

“Who are you?” Other Me interrogated

“Treven Hall. Friends call me Damo” I tried to sound cool, epically failing

“Too bad, that’s me” Other Me snapped

“Am I really that cocky?” I whispered to Harry.

“At times, yes” he responded

“Well, we’re in a clusterfuck, it would seem” decided Other Price.

“Tell your story” demanded Other Harry

“What he said” Other Me said

“Fine” I sighed “One morning, in August 2012, I woke up in Twilight Sparkle’s body. Me, Harry as Rainbow, and Price as Pinkie --”

“I was Pinkie?! Sa-weet!” interrupted Other Price

“Anyway…” I continued. “With Zecora’s help, we became humans again and started a life in Ponyville”

“Until somebody had the bah-right idea to become ponies, then the spell backfired and, badaboom, here we are!” finished Harry.

“What he said?” asked Other Harry, t’wards me

“What he said” I sighed and rolled my eyes

“Well that doesn’t why there’s a bunch of naked, extremely hot, oh my god erection inducing women behind you” pointed Other Price

“Don’t be so vulgar!” I said, offended. More embarrassed than offended, really, but Imma say “offended” either way.

“Well, they do bring on a certain hardness” agreed Price

“Of course you two would have the same train of thought” face-palmed Harry

“That is The Mane Six, Derpy, CMC, and Spike. You 11, this world us. This world us, you 11. Let’s get you clothes” I said

Authors Note: Well, That Took Forever

Well, first I got in a fight with Henry

Then I broke my nose.

Then I went to Florida

While there I got ungrounded

Then I finally got an email from my other best friend, I promised him my music project's first album, and I can't send large files on Gmail, so I'm stuck on that.

As you can tell, September was a long month. I do indeed have a music project. Dunno how I'm gonna get that to the general public.

I don't have the patience now, but this story comes with a soundtrack. I'll have it up after my jetlag clears from flying for five hours from Pensacola to Lawrence.

Until then, I have the theme. I actually wouldn't call it a theme, but it's what I listen to while I write. It's quite catchy. So it's a link now. This one, to be exact. It's really catchy, I warn you. Just try to imagine an animation for the theme. If you have an idea, PM me and I'll see about it.

Another idea for the theme is this one.

I might even make my own theme

-Treven DH out

[:rainbowhuh: Still haven't figured out the add picture tool. If anypony does, also PM me]

Author's Note: It Just Doesn't End

Well, good news, bad news, note, good news.

Good news:

Part 3 is coming soon!

Bad news:

Part two is ending soon.

Note:

Chapter 17 "Finale" will be a collection of short chapters. Estimated word count: 2,254

Good news:

Soundtrack!

1) Song: Good Ol' Days (feat. Mic the Microphone and Jackle App) Artist: Living Tombstone, Chapter: N/A, Usage: Theme.

2) Song: Ruffneck (Full Flex), Artist: Skrillex, Chapter: 6, Usage: General Music, Background, Not Seriously In Fic.

3) Song: The Fame, Artist: Lady GaGa, Chapter: 7, Usage: Background, In Fic.

4) Song: Right Right Now Now, Artist: Beastie Boys, Chapter: 8, Usage: In Fic.

5) Song: Shut Up Dude, Artist: Das Racist, Chapter: 8, Usage: Mentioned, Quoted.

6) Song: Glitch Pony, Artist: Alex S, Chapter: 9, Usage: Not Seriously In Fic, Background.

7) Song: Catstep/My Kitten/Catnap (Vatst Remix), Artist: Kid606, Chapter: 11, Usage: Background In Fic.

9) Song: People = Shit, Artist: Slipknot, Chapter: 16, Usage: Background If Fic.

10) Song: In For The Kill, Artist: La Roux, Chapter: 17 (Part 3), Usage: Mentioned

11)  Song: Gypsy Caravan, Artist: Rjd2, Chapter: N/A, Usage: Not Seriously In Fic, General Music.