TSA vs. The Rainbooms and their geodes
The Uber arrived at Newark International Airport at 4:30am, carrying the seven members of the Rainbooms, ready to embark on their first world tour. Twilight used her telekinesis to unload the 15 pieces of luggage from the trunk (7 pieces of luggage belonging to Rarity).
No luggage cart necessary, which is a relief since each cart costs $2 for only 15 minutes.
A few people stared as Twilight levitated the bags across the departure hall to the check-in counter.
“Girls, do you realize this is the first time we’ve travelled by air since we’ve gotten our new magic?” Fluttershy said.
“I know right? Pretty sweet, huh?” Rainbow Dash said.
“On the contrary, darling…” Rarity cut in. “I’m still having flashbacks to the ‘quesadilla’ incident outside the county courthouse.”
Sci-Twi sunk her head in agreement.
“Look, we can already anticipate that our geode powers are going to cause issues in airport security,” she said. “Why don’t we just take them off until we reach our destination?”
Pinkie giggled. “Oh, don’t you know? A fanfiction writer from another dimension’s super bored and he wants to write a story about how we’d manage through airport security with our geodes on.”
The other six turned to stare at Pinkie, their irises the size of pinpricks. There was a twitch under Sunset’s right eye.
“Pinkie…did you forget to wash the fruit before eating it again?” Sunset asked, with the slow cadence of an experienced daycare teacher.
“I think she just a’int got enough sleep,” Applejack said, with bags in her eyes. “Whose idea was it to pick the 6:30am flight?”
“But Applejack, don’t you wake up early to do farmwork?” Fluttershy asked, holding a thermos with three bags of extra-strong black tea.
“I’m used to wakin’ up to the sound of a rooster. Not the sound of a cymbal followed by party cannon confetti being sprayed on my face.” They had slept over at Pinkie Pie’s house the night before, because her house was closest to the airport. Pinkie Pie had set her “alarm clock” for 3:30am.
Rainbow Dash scoffed. “C’mon, this a’int Camp Everfree. We’re not total noobs with our magic. We’ve used it countless times to make ourselves more awesome. So why’re we being so scared all of a sudden?”
“Well, now I think about it rationally…I don’t foresee any problem,” Rarity said.
“Yeah. I mean, what are the chances of another quesadilla incident?” Twilight said.
“I agree,” Sunset concurred. “I mean, are any of the seven of us really that impulsive and immature to even let our magic go out of control in a public place…?”
A pause.
They all silently turned to Pinkie Pie.
“…what?” She pulled a Tootsie Pop out of her poofy hair and bit straight through the center.
Meanwhile, Twilight and Sunset are muttering under their breath, I know Pinkie’s gonna screw it up I know Pinkie’s gonna screw it up…
At airport security…
“And then I saw Derpy get hit in the head with an empty water bottle, and that’s when the idea hit me (well, actually her)—cupcake in a jar! So it’s a cupcake, but portable! First I made few for the bake sale at school, and they were SUCH a hit, so then I went to the bakery off of Fifth, and they thought it was a SUPER great idea! So then I said…” and she began regaling the security officer with an unabridged history of the jarred cupcake.
“Look, lady, all I’m concerned about is that the frosting in here might be considered a liquid/aerosol/gel. Lemme ask my supervisor and I’ll be back.” She got up from her chair, the same sour expression on her face.
The officer returned a minute later, handing the jarred cupcake back to Pinkie. “All right, it looks legit. Sorry about the delay, miss.”
“No problemo!” Pinkie flashed a toothy smile. “I guess I’ll have to put this cupcake away…” In one quick gulp, she swallowed about half the cupcake, leaving half behind. She then turned her head to the trashcan about 50 feet away. Her arm lifted, as if she was about to throw the sugary confection into the trash can…
“PINKIE NO!” Sunset screamed—
—as she finished her sentence, she realized Pinkie was just stuffing the cupcake jar into her poofy hair.
Sunset grabbed onto a stanchion post to regain her footing. “Phew…”
“What?” Pinkie frowned. “You think I’m stupid enough to throw a sugary treat with my geode on in airport security!?”
Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were standing near the back of the security line.
“Aww…what a cute little puppy-wuppy!” Fluttershy squealed.
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Erm…that’s not a puppy, Fluttershy. That’s a full-grown German Shepherd sniffer dog.” It was pacing around a small cordoned area in the security line, wearing a vest that said “DO NOT PET.”
“Oh Rainbow Dash, every dog young or old has got a little bit of puppy inside of them!” She knelt down to the dog’s eye level. “Hello there, little one!”
The sniffer dog stopped at Fluttershy and began wagging his tail. “WOOF WOOF!”
“My name’s Fluttershy. It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Snuffles!”
“WOOF WOOF WOOF!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry you’re tired. Do they give you enough food and breaks?”
“WOOF WOOF!”
“Oh no! No dog deserves to be stressed! Here, I know what’ll soothe you—a nice backrub!” Despite the warning, Fluttershy began petting the dog.
“WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!”
Fluttershy immediately stood up and placed her hands at her hips. “Mr. Snuffles! Such language!”
“All right, please step in one at a time.”
It was Rarity’s turn to enter the full-body scanner. She raised her arms into the scanning position—
—suddenly, a large crystal shield appeared.
She lowered her arms and tried again. BAM! The oversized crystal shield banged against the small glass enclosure.
BAM!
BAM!
BAM! “Ouch!” That time round, the shield hit Rarity’s nose, which was already tender from the boop-a-thon two nights ago (it was the forfeit for losing to Applejack in Monopoly).
The security agent had his eyes glued to the output screen, with the generic outline of a human. He seemed unfazed when he got a strange reading, simply yelling, “Miss, what are you doing in there!? Hold the position marked on the scanner and don’t move!”
“I can’t help it, sir! If you would stop looking at the screen, you will clearly see that I’m unfortunately incapacitated by my—OUCH!” Raising her arms in anger caused another crystal shield to appear.
“Miss! If you continue to try to sabotage the security line, you will be escorted out of the airport and subject to criminal prosecution!”
“I say, it’s hardly my fault! Though in spite of your truculent attitude…‘sir’…I will take off my necklace in the interest of expediting—”
The officer was still stubbornly staring at the screen. “Lady, quit whining and hold the position marked on the scanner!”
Rarity snapped. “Whining!? I am not whining! I am complaining! Do you want to hear whining? This is whining~~~~!”
The security officer just rolled his eyes and pointed to the alternative screening. “Just walk through the metal detector, lady.”
“Excuse me. Yes, you, with the red hair.”
“Yes, is something wrong, Officer?” Sunset Shimmer said.
“Come here. I’m gonna have to pat you down.”
Sunset Shimmer walked over to the pat-down area, where a young-ish female security officer began carefully patting every region of Sunset body, from head to toe.
As the officer’s hands touched her, Sunset began to see her memories.
Or rather, her fantasies.
The first voice was the security officer’s voice. Oh, Girl with the Red Hair…you’re so beautiful…your fiery hair shimmers like a golden sunset!
Then it was Sunset’s voice. I love you too, Officer! Your eyes are like two liquid blue lakes!
O, let us drown ourselves in our never ending passion!
Yes! Let us!
I love you, Girl with the Red Hair!
I love you too, Officer!
Now let's go to bed and--
“All done, thank you miss,” the security officer said, this time with a hint of a smile.
Sunset spent the next half hour with a blank stare across her face.
“I am NEVER going to look at airport security the same way,” she muttered to herself.
Sci-Twi had of course, done plenty of research on the latest airport security protocol. She followed the instructions exactly. She took her shoes off, placing it in a bin with her 1-quart bag containing 3floz bottles of shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, and hand cream (in case their flight got delayed and they lost their check in luggage).
She folded her thick winter coat flat and placed it in a separate bin. She reminded Rarity to take off her rhinestone belt, since it contains metal (why she sees the need to wear a rhinestone belt on a 13-hour flight, however, defies explanation).
Twilight carefully arranged her items, pushed her backpack straps in, and pushed her items into the scanner. The security officer asked her a few basic questions. “Anything in your pockets?”
“Nope,” she answered.
“Any film?”
“Yes, but it is ISO 700, which is compatible with the scanners at this particular checkpoint. I’ve done my research beforehand,” she said with a smile.
The security officer couldn’t be bothered. “Stand in line over there please.”
Twilight got into the line for the millimeter wave scanner, which was about six people long.
It was during that wait that she remembered.
“Wait! My e-reader! I forgot to take it out of my bag!” Her hand reached out to try to get it. A purple aura surrounded the conveyor belt, causing to stop in its tracks—
—and then it went backwards. At quadruple speed. Everyone’s bags came flying out and landing in unpredictable places throughout the security checkpoint.
Twilight’s e-reader flew out of an opening in her backpack zipper, and smacked her in the face.
At the gate…
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for waiting. Flight 73 to Dubai will be boarding in 40 minutes. Thank you for flying with EquestriAir.”
Applejack was struggling to keep her eyes open. “I’m plumb tuckered out. I need a rest.” She pulled out her apple-shaped travel pillow, her Apple iPhone (haha get it?) and tried to settle into a comfortable napping position.
Unfortunately the chairs at the gate were those cheap fabric ones with absolutely no lumbar support and thick metal armrests on either side. If only she could lie down across a few chairs…but the stupid armrests are in the way.
“Dang it. You’d think at an airport, they’d make these chairs easier for resting, a’int that right Rarity?” She looked up.
“Of course, darling. I say, where is everyone? I would think they’ve passed through the queue by now.”
Then, they saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy approaching.
“Where’s everyone gone to?” Applejack asked.
Fluttershy was on her third cup of extra-strong black tea, but the bags under her eyes were deeper set than ever before. “The security line got held up because Twilight’s telekinesis went out of control. We only just came out.”
Behind them, Twilight could be heard repeatedly chanting “I’m sorry” to an annoyed Sunset Shimmer, her voice echoing in the terminal.
“I already said it’s fine—”
“That’s no excuse!” Her glasses began to steam up. “I’m just so sorry! Not even a million sorrys can be enough to tell you how sorry I am!”
“Lemme guess, Canadian?” Applejack snickered.
Sunset rolled her eyes at Applejack. “Trust you to make a racist joke.”
Applejack ignored Sunset and turned her attention back to the annoying armrests. She grabbed the armrest with one hand, and the frame with the other hand.
“Now, if I could just…” Her super strength began to dislocate the armrests. The metal began to bend upwards. Applejack pulled a little harder, to try to push the armrest all the way up.
It required very little physical effort for Applejack, but a lot of fine control—it was like lightly touching the gas pedal in a parking lot. “Just…a little more…”
Suddenly she heard Rarity’s sweet voice. “Applejack, what are you—”
CRACK!
Applejack lost her focus. The entire chair frame collapsed, causing Applejack to slide down to the floor butt first. A loud noise reverberated through the entire terminal.
A few moments later…
“Ladies and gentlemen, please stand behind the caution tape for your safety. Thank you. We will begin boarding in seven minutes.”
The whole row of chairs that Applejack broke was now cordoned off, awaiting repair. The other passengers quietly grumbled and glared at Applejack as they were forced to stand.
“So much for your nap, huh AJ?” Rainbow Dash nudged her and snickered.
“Rainbow Dash, QUIT it. It’s embarassin’ enough as it is.” She turned the brim of her hat lower. Perhaps a consolation was that Applejack was now wide awake.
Sunset walked back to the gate, her hands on her knees. “Jeez, the bathroom is SO far away. Why do they have to close every single bathroom for cleaning except the one that’s a 15-minute walk away on the other side of the terminal?”
“It’s preposterous,” Rarity said. “Expecting a lady to hold it in for long. What they need is one of those…oh, what do you call them? Minicabs, that shuttle people through the terminals.”
Pinkie Pie chimed in. “Ooh, like the little golf carts that drive through the terminal and go ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP’!?”
“Yes, those.”
“Well, I kind of have to go too,” Rainbow Dash said, finishing up her bottle of water.
“Well, you should start walking to the bathroom now,” Sunset said. “They’re gonna start boarding in seven minutes.”
Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and smirked. “Hey, do you even KNOW me? I can get there in under Ten Seconds Flat!” And with that, she disappeared around the corner, leaving a rainbow trail.
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
BEEP BEEP BEEP! They could hear the sound getting louder.
BLAM!!!
“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” the driver of the cart yelled.
The six girls ran up to Rainbow Dash, who was lying on the floor after running into the electric cart.
Fluttershy knelt beside Rainbow Dash. “GOODNESS! Are you all right!?”
Rainbow Dash slowly got up and rubbed her eyes. “Is…is it time for breakfast, Mommy?” she muttered in a childlike voice.
Meanwhile, Pinkie finished the other half of her cupcake in a jar, licked up all the frosting, and carefully lowered it into the trash can.
Nothing happened.
Pinkie Pie smiles and winks at the author.
Author's Note
This was an impulse write. Please don't take seriously. Proofreading may be spotty.
