“This is a... what?”
Celestia inquired, glancing curiously at the inconspicuous-looking black box lying on top of the map table.
“A lie detector!” Twilight proudly said. “I was able to build it, using technology James and Kleiner brought from Earth. Just imagine the possibilities!”
“Twilight, we already have lie detectors in Equestria. I am sad to inform you they are not very reliable.”
“Yes, I know about those primitive machines. They’re clunky, and you need to connect dozens of cables to the user. But this is completely different! It doesn’t even need wires at all!”
Celestia glanced once more at the device but wasn’t convinced. How could this tiny speaker-looking box be able to tell whether someone lies or not?
“I can understand your skepticism,” Twilight said, “but give it a chance. Tell an obvious lie.”
Celestia shrugged. What did she have to lose? “All right. Hmm... I am a short earth pony.”
*BEEP!*
The machined honked loudly. The electrical-like bell was like music to Twilight’s ears, widening her grin of joy.
“See?! Try again, try again!”
“Um... I like opera?”
*BEEP!*
“I hate cake.”
*BEEP!*
Celestia smiled. “All right, I admit this is an interesting little thing—”
“See, Twilight? I told you Booty Butt gonna love it!” James – the human – interjected, walking in the map room. “Oh, by the way, Luna and the girls should be here shortly.”
But Celestia didn’t get the second part, dangerously arching her eyebrow instead. “Booty Butt?!”
James smiled. “It’s a pet name. You like it?”
“No!”
*BEEP!*
“Hey! I totally hate it!
*BEEP!*
“The machine is broken!”
*BEEP!*
Twilight glanced at the readouts on the side of the box, but all parameters were normal. She knew the lie detector was working fine, and judging by the blush that began showing through Celestia’s coat, the Princess knew it too. Twilight opened her mouth to say something but James was faster.
“Hold on, Twilight, Princess Celestia is right,” James said, then cleared his throat. His face was suddenly serious. “I apologize, your Majesty, I shall address you in a formal manner from now on. Is this what you want?”
“… yes.”
*BEEP!*
With her eyes closed, Celestia clenched her teeth at the sound, but after a moment, let out a bitter chuckle.
“This thing is pure evil.”
“I know, right?!” James said. “Imagine the possibilities... Especially with all the girls coming here.”
The sudden realization wiped the smile from Twilight’s face and made her frantically shake her head. “Wait a second! We didn’t make this device to extract secrets from ponies!”
“Then why did we build it?”
“To… um… To…”Scratching her chin, Twilight tried to come up with a reason that didn’t sound like total horse manure, but the query turned out empty. “OK, but it’s our friends we’re talking about. We can’t just… you know…”
James crossed his arms and frowned. “Hrmph, you’re just jealous because you have no secrets…”
“What? Not true!”
*BEEP!*
“Hey, I have secrets, like everypony!”
*BEEP!*
James glanced at smirking Celestia, then back at sheepish-looking Twilight, and waved his hand. “Twilight, I have dug the dirt on each one of you, and the best I could find was that at the age of ten, you stole cookies from the jar and blamed it on Shining Armor.”
“I did not!”
*BEEP!*
Celestia arched her eyebrow and shot a cold gaze at Twilight, who was now nibbling her lower lip, suddenly wanting to be somewhere else. “You stole, cast the blame at your innocent brother, and now you deny it?” Her cold gaze suddenly turned warm again, and with a smile, she turned to James. “Do I know how to pick these future politicians, or don’t I?”
“Yeah, mazel tov… Now, how about we do some evil here and exploit others for fun?”
Twilight huffed angrily at the idea, back to her serious self again. “Do you honestly believe that Princess Celestia would stoop so low to use this device against her own sister, and my friends?”
Instead of an answer, James’ eyes trailed towards the alicorn of the sun and waited. Celestia stood in silence, but the involuntary twitches of her lips and her devilish smile were loud enough. Before Twilight could utter another word, the door opened, and six ponies walked inside.
Applejack was the first to say something. “Howdy, Princess, Twilight! Princess Luna said, you wanted to see us? Something about a new gimmick of yours?”
“A lie detector, Applejack. Something like you, but nicer, and more portable,” James’ words earned him a nice ‘buck you!’ look from Applejack. “We need a volunteer to test it. How about you… Dashie?”
Rainbow Dash flew over the table, eying the device for a moment, but the shrug of her shoulders was a dead giveaway she wasn’t impressed.
“Hrmph, that thing is why you called us here, Twi? We got better things to do, you know...”
“Yeah, especially you,” James’ lips curled into a smile. “Some aggressive cuddling with Soarin, huh?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “How many times do I have to say it? We’re not together!”
With face blushing in excitement, James glanced at the lie detector, expecting the loud beep. But nothing happened.
“Goddamn it! I just lost 50 bits to Spitfire. Unless...” His eyebrow suddenly arched. “You’re seeing her, right?”
“What? No!”
Once again, the box was silent.
“Fleetfoot?”
“No.”
“Um… Thunderlane?”
“No!”
James tapped at the still silent box on the table. “Twilight, you sure that this thing’s on?”
Dash grunted in frustration. “Ugh! I don’t see any of Wonderbolts, you idiot!”
“OK, how about…” James opened his mouth to continue, but Twilight’s frowning face shut him down. “Fine, fine... So, Rainbow Dash is a virgin Mary. Who knew...”
“Hey! I’m not a virgin!”
*BEEP!*
After the buzzer sound died down, silence spilled over the room, and soon, Dash was surrounded by a half a dozen faces, with expressions ranging from smirk to shock. Among the crowd was also one very angry mug.
“Goddammit!” James’ facepalm echoed through the castle’s halls. “1000 bits, Dash! 1000 fucking bits... How can You, Rainbow ‘The Dangerous’ Dash, be a fucking virgin?!”
“Um...” Rainbow’s face was red and getting redder by the second. “I’m not!”
*BEEP!*
“H-hey! Shut up, buzzer box! I… did things…”
*BEEP!*
“I strongly recommend you stop talking…”
For the first time ever, Rainbow Dash listened to James’ advice and bit on her lip. Not that she had much to say. With her head hanging low, and cheeks blushing intensely, her face looked ready to literally catch fire.
“OK, I got it!” James interjected. “I’m gonna take you to Canterlot’s brothel and fix you for 200 bits. That still saves me 800…”
“Darling, after the fact, that would be cheating!” Rarity smugly interjected.
“Oh, come on!” James threw his arms in the air in a dramatic gesture, but Rarity’s face remained a stone. “You really want your dirty money? Where is that generosity, I kept hearing about?”
“Sorry, but a bet’s a bet. Although I must say, I’m surprised you wanted to bet in the first place. This one was pretty obvious.”
Rainbow shot a furious glance at the smirking unicorn. “Well, excuse me for not messing around! Not everyone is as generous as you are, miss half a dozen stallions!”
“Nice try, darling, but I don’t sleep around either,” Rarity said with a smile. However, it quickly flattened after she noticed everyone glancing at the box. “... really? All of you?!” Murmurs and embarrassing mumbles were the answer. “Well, I never! Some friends you are!”
“Here goes another 200 bits...” James murmured.
“What was that?!”
“Um, n-nothing! Nothing at all,” James stammered with a nervous chuckle. “It’s just... No offense, Rares, we just thought that someone who talks so much about romance and stuff would have more... experience?”
The rest of the group nodded with an apologetic mumble.
“Darling, I never said I have zero experience,” Rarity said smugly. “But just because I like romance, doesn’t mean I’m going to lift my tail to the first stallion that comes around!” James opened his mouth, but Rarity quickly added. “Or the first human for that matter, especially a friend.”
James’ lips curled into a childish pout. “Great, I got placed into friendship zone… again. You’re the worst!” Rarity answered with a wink. " Well, I guess that behavior is commendable, but it’s also... boring.”
“Hey! Rarity’s not boring!” Pinkie Pie jumped to the rescue. “She’s caring, smart, and generous! And she helps her friends when they’re in need.”
Rarity smiled warmly. “Thank you, Pinkie, that’s very sweet of you to say.”
“That’s the least I can do after you showed me that trick with my tax return!” Pinkie turned to the group with astonishment on her face. “Did you guys know that our tax money goes to some White Fat Cake Leech?! I sure didn’t, until Rarity told me!”
The smile that just a moment ago filled Rarity’s face evaporated in an instant, leaving behind a look of terror.
“P-pinkie! Be quiet!”
“Why? You should show that trick to avoid paying taxes to everypony!” Pinkie’s oblivious smile only added to Rarity’s horror. “Who would want to feed that fat leech with our money?! Not me, that’s for sure...”
Rarity turned to Celestia to see a stone-cold expression radiating from her features and a contrasting smirk on her sister’s face. “I s-swear, I have no idea what Pinkie’s talking about!”
*BEEP!*
The machine’s sound was like a buzzer of confession, washing away Rarity’s lies. Hearing it, Celestia squinted her eyes, and very, very slowly, began moving her head from left to right, staring coldly, like death itself.
Luna was a different story, chuckling gently. “White Fat Cake Leech... That one, I need to write down!”
“Oh, you know who we’re talking about, Princess Luna?” Pinkie asked.
Luna gazed at her motionless sister from top to bottom, smiling harder. “You could say that.”
“Luna, when we get back to Canterlot, please remind me to check miss Rarity’s tax returns for the last... ten years.”
Despite her coat’s white, Rarity’s face got visibly paler. “T-ten y-years? B-but... but... I’m sure there is no need—”
“I disagree, maybe, you paid some unnecessary money to the... ‘White Fat Cake Leech.’ I want to verify it.”
“B-but—”
“And I can assure you, I will be thorough,” a very evil-looking grin filled Celestia’s face. “Very thorough.”
“Aww, isn’t that sweet?” Pinkie nudged Rarity, but her frozen body didn’t budge. “Princess’ gonna personally help you just like you helped me! Isn’t this exciting?!”
“… Pinkie, is that sale on coffins you mentioned a week ago still on? I will need one.”
“Oh, come on, my sister’s not gonna do anything that nasty to you. She’s miss Goody Little Two Horseshoes!” Luna said, only to feel Celestia’s cold gaze changing aim. “Oh, come on, sister! I bet everypony here does something illegal! Pinkie Pie, tell us what illegal activity did you do!”
“Hmm...” Pinkie tapped her chin. “Apple Bloom and I summoned the Gypsy demon of the fallen baker once, but… I think that’s legal?”
*BEEP!*
“No? Oh, well, then I guess I’m guilty,” Pinkie let out an oblivious chuckle, then noticed the blank stare of others. “What? That guy knows how to bake, not to mention paaarty!”
“I...” Celestia shook her head, Pinkie’s giggly confession finally got her out of the angry trance. “I do not think I want to think about what you do, Pinkie. My head hurts enough already…”
“Ugh, OK. Pinkie Pie was a... weird example. Hmm, Applejack! I bet you got something illegal on your conscience! Maybe... selling some moonshine from your apples?”
Applejack gulped, then smiled nervously, her smile getting wider and wider, twisting her face into an unnatural grimace. With the sweat pouring from her forehead, lie detector was not needed. She was guilty as hell.
Celestia sighed. “Luna, I have been turning a blind eye on Applejack’s family illegal booze trade ever since I gave them the land a hundred years ago. That’s nothing new to me.”
“Well then, we’re left with one last pony who hasn’t embarrassed herself today...”
Everyone’s eyes went for Fluttershy. “M-me?”
“Yes, quiet one!” Luna said. Her eyes began sparkling with energy, and her voice deepened. “Confess your sins! What is it?! Weird sexual activities?!
“N-no?”
“Dark magic?!”
“I’m a pegasus.”
“Using your inherited cuteness to give unsuspecting creatures a heart attack?!”
“I always apologize afterward.”
“Hmm...” Luna nodded in defeat. “Fair enough, I got nothing else,” Fluttershy let out a deep sight of relief. “Funny, I always suspected you of having a weed plantation in your basement, or something…”
Just like that, Fluttershy’s chest stopped moving again, and she froze like a statue. Luna saw it and grinned.
“Ha! I knew it! So that’s how you’ve been making money, all these years!”
“Um... N-no?”
*BEEP!*
The buzzer was a cue for Fluttershy to put on the best puppy face she could, screaming ‘mercy.’
“See, sister? Everypony cheat, steal, or do other illegal things,” Luna let out a chuckle. “You taught them well!”
“It is always my fault, huh? Hmm...”
Celestia began tapping on her chin and scanning everyone from left to right. After a moment, she knew exactly how to proceed.
“All right, here is what we are going to do. Applejack, you will get me some of that booze to take the edge off, Fluttershy will get me some of that weed to calm me down, and you, Rarity. You are going to provide me a dress that makes me look young and thin again. When I get drunk, stoned, and feel pretty again, then maybe, just maybe I will forget what transpired here…”
The ponies in question nodded nervously.
“Good, and Twilight? Destroy that thing, it is far too dangerous too—”
Before Celestia could finish, the door to the room burst open.
“Surprise!” Cadance and Shining Armor shouted in unison, but seeing the gathering, quickly bit their lips.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Twilight. I didn’t know you have guests,” Cadance said. “I hope our surprise visit is not a problem?”
Celestia glanced at Luna, then at Twilight, and a devilish smile filled her face again. “Twilight, you may hold on with the destruction of that thing for a while longer…”
Author's Note
If you enjoyed this one, make sure to check out the one 'The Great And Powerful Job Interview' – lie detector is a plot device there as well.
And remember people: "Everybody lies!" 
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