“You’re... sidelining me?! Don’t you know who I am?! I’m EVERYTHI-”
Thankfully, Wind Sprint was there to open the locker room door right away. Otherwise Spike would have been an impression in the metal door instead of the scoreboard ten meters away. "I have to leave too, Mom?!” she shouted, letting open the door to continue her argument with Clear Sky.
“We went over this before, Windy,” Clear said. “The locker room meetings aren’t for little fillies.”
“But carrying flags, guiding floats and tutoring entire Friendship Schools isn’t?” A slammed door answered Wind. “Rrrrgh...” she groaned as she paced circles in the floor outside. This happened every time a new stallion arrived! And with Madden guarding the door, there was no way Wind could get back in. Some way to spend the Hoofball Championships!
And why in the world did pep talks for a match they weren’t in even require so much moaning?!
Then the door snapped open again and Wind’s spirits lifted, sure she’d be called back to the game. Turns out it was only to make more room on the backbench.
“Actually,” said Quibble Pants, his mane and shirt a half-undone mess. “We do have some more to -oh!- put out for this locker room session, dear. Do you mind looking over for them? As a good little trooper?”
Wind kept her frown on her face. “I don’t have a choice, do I, Dad?”
“Wind, I won’t lie to you.” After a minute, Quibble slipped back into the room without another word. Before Wind could ask what in the world Quibble was doing with that floppy thing that looked like a forehoof, Snips and Snails were tossed out of the door. Fluttershy and Pinkie, almost entwined with one another, giggled lightly before closing the door shut.
“Man, we dragged around that golden throne all day for nothing, Snails!” Snips blubbered. “‘Everypony’ll want different digits of ours after that,’ my dockhole!”
“It’s not my fault, you shoulda let me talk!” Snails shot back. “Now we’re never gonna score!”
“Um excuse me?” shouted Wind. Both colts before her jumped at the noise. “But you already did score! Five points in hoofball put together! And if your heads actually were put together, your brains would catch fire!”
“Hey! You don’t get to say that!” Snips yelled. “Just you wait until we’re finally made manes! Really, what do those stallions have that I don’t?”
“My Mom says it’s proper hygiene.” snickered Wind.
“Yeah well my Mom says your Mom’s a-”
“Not in front of the pegasus filly!” Snails smacked his friend upside the head. “You know what Thunderlane did to us after we said it to Rumble?”
Snips rounded on Snails. “You see me sitting right now? Noooo? Then yeah I remember what Thunderlane did to us!”
Madden, hearing three sudden taps on the locker room door, moved to open it again after nodding to Wind. Wind knew this time Quibble and Clear weren't having second thoughts, so she just rolled her eyes at Madden's attempted heartfelt gesture. But Wind was surprised at the two thrown out from the locker room this time. Rainbow Dash, holding an utterly frantic Angel in her hands, was sent tumbling onto her back beyond the threshold.
Springing up, Dash tried to leap over Madden to get back into the room, but nopony was having it. “Come on, Shimmy!” Dash pleaded to the orange-maned cheerleader pony folding her forelegs disdainfully. “I’m good enough to play! And I’m on treatment!”
“Rainbow. Nopony here believes you only have one STD.” The last word made Wind’s ears perk up as she pulled on Rainbow’s tail to keep her from rushing back into the room. If Wind Sprint wasn’t going back in, no way was the Element of Loyalty either.
Plus, Wind was considering booking it back to the Castle of Friendship library, to find out what this ‘STD’ was. Was it some locker-room unlocking title? Probably why Fleur had bragged about Spoiled Rich and Rarity having them, too.
Above her and Madden, Rainbow flailed her four hooves in protest. “Shimmy, wait! That time in Ponyville was just retaliation for the prank cookie thing! The disease isn't really called Rainbow Pox!”
“Fine, Dash,” Lighthoof said, sidling in alongside fellow cheerleader Shimmy and giving her a chaste kiss. "We'll let you in. But first we need a list of every earth pony stallion in Ponyville you've slept with since coming here."
"All of them."
"Yes, all of the Earth stallions you've done it with."
"No, I mean I've had sex with all the stallions."
“Oh my Celestia!” Shimmy cried out, riding a hoof to her lips. “Even ‘Centimeter Column‘ Caramel?!”
Rainbow blushed so hard, she turned purple. “Okay, that one was only to settle my tab at the La Ti Da Spa! Sue me!”
“Nope, Dash. Now we’re just doing what you shoulda with your hindlegs. Better luck next Neveruary, Wonderbutt.” And with a resounding slam, Rainbow Dash’s lunge only smacked her against the door. Thankfully, Angel scurried off her mane before Rainbow slid to the ground.
Scurrying to all fours, Dash noticed the three foals she was stuck with. “Whoa, Dash!” Snips asked her. “Does that mean you're the reason they closed off Everfree?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.” Dash robotically relayed, rolling her eyes as she did so. “So Spitfire, Soarin, and half the Apple Family said… and want me to say.”
“Coooool…” Snips drooled.
“Keep this up and you’ll beat Rarity’s Ponyville record any day now!” Snails said.
Wind slowly started considering whether stuffing Madden’s towel in her ears would block out this cryptic claptrap. She decided against it though; a sportscaster pony like him wearing sunglasses indoors was embarrassing enough without her adding to it.
Dismayed, Dash plopped onto her rump again. “So, what are we gonna do? Go to the tavern?”
“I'm eleven, those guys act like they're six, and he's a bunny.” Wind said, jabbing a hoof at Angel.
“A rabbit who wouldn’t need to be here if Fluttershy would let him smash over there!” Dash complained.
“Smash what?” Wind said. “His food? I didn’t think rabbits needed to mash carrots to eat them.”
Snips, Snails and Angelfacepalmed. Rainbow’s blush returned full force. “Um, yeah, Wind. Just be sure to not tell Quibble I told you, okay? Daring kinda likes him and if she finds out she…Well let’s just say there won’t be motion in the Tenochtitlan Basin’s ocean and leave it at that.”
Wind Sprint then formed up a rather clever idea. Namely, over the number of exits that she remembered that locker room had. “Dash, follow me.” she said, moving for the main stage.
Folding her forelegs - and muttering something about how this route had better lead her toward a place called ‘Pound Town’, wherever that was - Dash followed Wind. Wind really couldn’t stand Snips, Snails and Angel following her. Her stomach queasily flipped over these weird ponies tagging along But there was no way she was finding out what was going on in that sweat-thick locker room from here.
Unfortunately, it seemed Wind Sprint’s last plan to plumb the locker room’s secrets had come to naught. She actually heard Madden in the locker this time, yelling “Break it up, break it up!” as they approached the fire exit to the locker room. Before Dash could reach the door, it burst open and Madden ejected the Cutie Mark Crusaders from the room.
Apple Bloom managed to land on her hooves, only to be glamorously face-plowed into the dirt by the tumbling Diamond Tiara soon after. She got upright just in time to shake her head in tandem with Madden’s as he slowly closed the door. It wasn’t fast enough to keep them from hearing the smack of Silver Spoon’s air kiss as she slipped back into the locker room.
“Fine, we didn’t want any part of your brainstorming session anyway!” Sweetie Belle shouted at the closed door. “Besides, that place smells like Rarity's bedroom!"
“Wait, Rarity's? It smells like my aunts’!" said Scootaloo, after spitting out clumps of turf.
“Smells like the barn,” Apple Bloom’s tone was far more weary and experienced than her other two fellow Crusaders’.
“Wait, how do you know so much of what that place smells like?” Scootaloo groused. “Mac never lets me in there!”
Diamond Tiara huffed as she fixed her mane. “The same way she probably knows why you’re not in! Thanks for that near-certain Rainbow Pox you got, by the way!”
Dash’s mane sprang straight up in indignation. “For the last time, it’s not called Rainbow Po-”
“-riiiiiiiiiight!” Everyfilly but Snips said.
“I don’t believe you!” Snips added.
“And I’ve never had Rainbow Pox in my life! N-no offense, Rainbow.” Scootaloo added.
“Then why’d you mention your contributions, Scootaloo?!” Diamond hollered. “I spent all that time talking up my mother’s resume for nothing!”
Apple Bloom “Sheesh, Scootaloo! your contribution was just a life-size replica of Rainbow! There wasn’t even a peg or anythin’ attached to it- you just offered to insert the whole thing-”
“Not in front of the others, Apple Bloom!” Sweetie Belle shot back.
“Oh wow, Sweetie, if only your sister took that advice!” Diamond yelled.
“Why would she, with your mother taking such an early lead?!”
As the Crusaders and Tiara started arguing again, and Snips started snapping photos of the catfight afterwards - Wind turned to Dash. “And Equestria let them carry flags for the games… on purpose.” It wasn’t a question from Wind.
“Like all decisions of mine that started out good, it started with lots of Applejack’s cider,” moaned Dash. “And also like them, it ended with her pulling out while I kept the fillies away. Geronimo!” Into the pile of fillies went Dash, Wind unsure whether she was separating or joining in on the fighters.
With a heavy sigh, Wind finally plopped her rump in the grass and watched them fight. It probably was better than what that stupid locker room had to offer, anyway.
Take that, Dad.
