Hell

by Tiramisu Tales

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 4221

Hell is where all his dreams come true

Mistakes happen, even to the great Discord. A mix of paperwork and a dash of chaos put Discord in the one place he was sure was for other ponies.

Published 2012-08-28 22:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-28 22:44:01 UTC

Hell

The last time Discord had checked, he was supposed to be stone. Twilight Sparkle and her goodie goodie friends had trapped him with their magical Elements of Boring, and yet he was falling into some hell forsaken pit towards something that glowed below. Glancing up, he could see nothing but darkness, an infinite blanket sprawled above. He realized that he wasn’t falling at all. The glow below him dragged him down. Its hot grip made his body sweat and stay frozen. Feeling no need to worry or panic, Discord huffed. Whatever this thing was, wherever he was, he knew two things. It was hot, and he was getting somewhere in a hurry. Curiosity got the better of him as the light became brighter. This was taking too long.

“Get on with it,” Discord ordered the force dragging him down. He could have sworn it listened and sped up, slamming him into a mess of heated earth. He heard a faint voice grumbling ‘Rude’, but chose to ignore it in favor of gathering his senses. After being thrown hard enough to leave a mark, this required some time. He groaned, his claws digging into the ground and pushing his body up. Brushing the mess of warm sand and rocks off his face, he sat back and looked himself over. The first thing he noticed was the odd glow that seemed to envelop his body. The warm, light blue light was more than questionable. It didn’t make any sense, but anything that didn’t make sense was something he was an expert in - except now. The second thing he noticed was the dirt under his claws, jutting out like the outline of his impact in the ground. He sat there, idly picking out the dirt. A being in a strange place did not excuse poor hygiene. As he concentrated on a rather reluctant pebble, he took a moment to take in the surroundings.

The earth below him was balmy due to a comfortable yet noticeable heat coming from within. He wiggled his behind into the warm black and grey sand, and then sighed in relief as the pebble fell out of its hiding place under his claw. He had landed in an enormous and empty amphitheater made of stone so black it could swallow the night. The occasional glint from them revealed their composition of the finest obsidian mixed with ebonstone, found only at the most violent volcanoes. Picking some stray sand out of his beard, Discord stood and stretched.

“Well, this is hell.”

“You’re right, you’re so very right! He’s rights, awfully right.” Discord twitched at the sudden voice. Alone just a moment ago, his ears now rang with the scratchy tone of a teenager. He looked down to see a frazzled looking green unicorn that rubbed his front hooves together merrily. It comforted him to see the insane. They understood him, or at least, were insane enough for him to understand. The pony’s horn gave off random sparks of magic that seemed laced with fire and madness. Beside him was a grinning griffon, his claws digging into the sand for play. He bowed slightly and giggled.

“Oh yes, he’s very right.” The griffon’s rapid and jittery voice held the same broken tone, his burnt feathers twitching as he went on. Teenagers.

“So very right indeed, Paul. No wonder the Boss likes him.”

“Oh yes, but he ain’t dead Grass Roots. He ain’t dead.”

“Nope nope. Paperwork glitch. Paperwork, work, work.” The sooty green pony grinned from ear to ear, bouncing up and down, nothing more than a child in a teenager’s body. “Wes thought you was dead, Mister Dissycord.” The green pony pouted. “Dead indeeds!”

“Dead as a doornail. But they weren’t living to begin with!” Paul cackled, his sand filled claws clapping together as he sat back and wiggled his butt into the warm sand. “Dead dead dead...” he chanted. A smirk wobbled onto Discord’s face at their silly behavior. They spoke so quickly he could barely tell what they were saying, but one thing had sunk in. He had not died. The pony and griffon before him had the same light blue glow as him, and were covered in spots of soot. Picking more dirt from under his claws, he shrugged. Stranger things had happened iIn theory.

“So why am I here?” he asked. Roots nudged Paul and puffed up his cheeks.

“We has to expanify to the Mister Dissycord.” Roots urged his griffon companion to speak with his hoof. Paul groaned, rolling his eyes as teenagers tended to do. Roots smacked Paul on the nose, snorting and waving his sparking horn at him. “Yous has to do it, cause I forgotted.” Paul groaned again, stood up and shrugged his shoulders. After clearing his throat to create an air of urgency, he began.

“Well, you see Mister Discord -”

“Dissycord. Gets it right.” Paul whacked Roots with one of his singed wings, a feeling of superiority washing over him as the pony cringed.

“It’s Discord, you idiot. Did you get whacked too hard?” A wicked smile crossed his face. Paul opened his beak, but the only thing that came out was a scream of horror as Roots sent him flying into the black walls of the amphitheater. Roots fell back laughing, rolling in the black sand and squealing in delight.

“Yous see that Mister Dissycord? Paul went a’flying! Take that prissy griffon.”

Discord sighed. Paul had flown back towards his partner and clawed at his face, starting a chain reaction of magic and slashing. All he could do was watch the two hurt each other but leave no marks, a true testament to their eternal damnation. Their fighting had entertained him at the start, but now he was getting bored. The brats still left questions unanswered, and their fighting would get him nowhere. He snickered at Roots losing a tooth, and watching it go flying was a delight, but playtime was over. Snapping his fingers, Discord made the pleasant discovery that his magic still worked, because he now had two fussy teenagers in his grip.

“Mister!” Roots squeaked, violently kicking and squirming. Discord narrowed his eyes at the unicorn while tightening his grip on his scruff to silence him. Resigning himself to quiet tears, Roots rubbed them away, smearing soot all over his face. Discord rolled his eyes, setting the pony down and shoving a lollipop into his mouth. Roots squealed and sucked on the sweet with childish delight.

“You.” He snarled at the griffon once he was finished with Roots. “Explain.” Paul whimpered and sniffled as he covered his face with his claws.

“Mister Discord, you... you see... when you were sealed that second time... We thought you were...”

“Dead, as a doorpail.” Roots spoke from his place in the sand. “ When you got sealed ups again, they puts you down as deads, not sleepings. The Boss was real confused an excited at yous coming. Yous a special soul, so you gots dragged to the ampy, and nots the castle grounds, where most of the baddies go. Bad souls. Bad, bad souls.” Roots sucked on his candy before looking up at Paul with a devilish smirk.

“I thought you said you forgot!” Paul clawed for his partner’s throat. Up in Discord’s grasp, he flailed and screamed for bloody murder, literally. Scowling at the griffon, Discord tossed him up in the air and caught him with magic. Paul stared into the mismatched pupils and shuddered as they narrowed with annoyance. “Hurt him! Hurt him!” Paul screamed.

“Why hurt me? Yous forgots to tell him, tell him that Mister Boss wants to see him. Yes yes, takes you to him. He likes you Mister Dissycord. Loves you.” Roots chomped on the lollypop. “I loves you too, Mister Dissycord sir. You dos great works.”

Beaming, Discord pet Roots on the head. He never did get enough praise for his work. Any praise, for that matter. Shrugging his shoulders and setting Paul down, he watched them carefully. The duo smiled at each other, turning around and walking towards the exit. With nothing better to do and no idea where he was, Discord set off to meet the ruler of Hell. He questioned if it was a great honor to be summoned by someone so famous. Then there was his own fame. Discord was obviously quite renowned, his passing by inspiring many oohs and ahhs from the residents of what he decided to called Hell City. He basked in the attention, the multitude of damned creatures pooling at his heels before dispersing at the glares from Paul and Roots. He had a mind to scold them for shooing away his loyal fans, but something else jarred him.

“You’re both rather... young. What did you do, kill your mothers?”

“I didn’t, but Roots did.” Paul said. Discord gagged on his chuckles, looking the teenager over. Surely, ponies would never do such a thing, he thought. Ponies were annoying little peacemakers that held no room for fun in the unexpected, much less death. Not even he could see the twitchy little pony killing anypony other than himself. “Go on and tell Mister Discord what you did.”

“I killed my momma. She was a mean old mule though! She used to beat me. Beat me hard she did, beat my daddy too, cause she had the paranoia and anger. She was mad at my daddy for getting her pregnant, and she was mad at me for being her baby. One day, she was beating my dad really bads, and well, I got so mad, so mad I grabs the woodaxe and then she became mommy soup, bloody soup all over the floor.” Roots’ horn punctuated his sentence by setting some scraggly bushes they passed on fire. He giggled. “But I was so upsets. I lost my momma, so I whacked myself with the axe. I know that daddy was upsets too. I saws him in the shiny white place, but when everysoul was going ups, I gots pulled down. Momma lives somewhere in here, but she runs away when she sees me. I think she’s afraid of me nows, but I just wanna tells her I’m sorry.” Roots sighed, kicking at a rock. When he perked up, his eyes scanned every store and house that they passed.

“He’s started looking for his momma again. He’s very unlucky for having a clover cutie mark.” Paul said to Discord before whacking Roots with his wing as they walked down the sidewalk. “Come on Roots, we can look for her later, we have to escort Mister Discord to the Boss. Yes yes?”

“Yes yes...”

Discord could have felt a twang of pity for Roots if he wasn’t curious about Paul. The sooty griffon waved at a passing by group of griffon souls, a grin on his face to contrast the deep set frown on Roots. Discord kept his glare sharp and concentrated, and eventually, the feathers that lay on Paul’s back pricked and rose in a sweat of nervousness.

“What did you do?”

“Killed a griffon.” He replied as if it was nothing, keeping his composure. The glare on his feathers intensified, causing Paul to ramble a more detailed answer. “He annoyed me. I hated him. So one day I got mad and I killed him, yes yes. Killed him dead, yes yes. I always had a bad temper, breaking things. Normally nogriffon is around, but he wouldn’t go away no matter how much I asked. So I smashed him in. When I ran away, a dragon ate me cause I got mad at it. Hows I died.” Paul shrugged. “That’s what happened.”

“And you ended up in Hell.”

“Where the bad souls go go go.” Roots said. Discord took a note of Roots’ improved mood and glanced around. in the city, souls were going about their day, buying things and selling things... It didn’t seem all that torture filled. It bored him, to be frank. He expected at least warped views on reality, not noodle stands calling for customers. Disappointed in the tight leash to reality, Discord turned his attention back to his guides.

“You’s a special, so we gets to escort you the Boss. Here, in the afterlife, souls normally head for serious strife.” Roots pointed his chin at the imposing ebonstone castle with blue souls falling from the sky like fluffs of cotton candy. He gave the draconequus another wide grin.

At least there were interesting characters in Hell.

“But you’re the big time strife maker, yes yes, so the Boss loves you.”Paul ruffled his feathers as they passed through the ebonstone and obsidian gates. Discord glanced around, watching the souls pick themselves up. He noticed they had a much softer landings than he did, and scowled at the sky. It would warp on occasion, black voids that had a force that would drag down a kicking and screaming soul to the black and grey sand everywhere before vanishing again. A single, heavy red light hung in the sky, bathing the land with light and warmth from above, and gave the odd feeling of being watched, as if the sky was an entity all its own. An odd shiver ran down his spine at the thought as he floated after his guides in the city of Hell. Boring.

There were no souls being sliced and tortured. Instead, everything repaired upon damage, even the impossible. Knocked out teeth, for example, came back, judging by the perfect smile on Roots’ face. Which meant he could turn souls into piles of jello and they would simply snap back to become another tasty confection. He grinned. The souls crowding around him squealed his name and whispered in reverence. Discord could understand why Celestia was so nice to those silly ponies now. The feeling of being loved not only stroked his ego but stoked the flames, allowing them to burn bright in his puffed chest.

His little guides weaved through the crowd of lost souls as prideful Discord started to float lazily above them all. He felt the awe and delight from his fans of all species, even draconequi. He saw the souls of a few still clambering to get a look. But none of them held his fame. He took this time to truly indulge, blowing kisses at his beloved admirers, and by the time he floated inside the castle walls, a few tufts of hair were gone and he had received so many ‘offers’ he had lost count.

“Well, you’re popular.” Paul said.

“I’m Discord.” He swam above their heads and chuckled to himself. “So, where is this ‘Boss’ of yours?” He landed before them, brushing off his coat once last time. The sands of Hell were persistent. Picking off a few last bits, he scanned his surroundings. The castle was busy, for it was filled with the souls of the damned getting... paperwork done? Well, that must have been the torture part of it, Discord thought. The bored and pained looks of the souls was more than enough to make him chuckle. Discomfort was always entertaining when it wasn’t his own. The souls dragged their glowing bodies towards the many agents of Hell, filling out what seemed to be endless applications.

“They’s gots lots of forms in Hell. They’s has a form for almost everything!” Roots dodged Paul’s claw swipe and stuck out his tongue. “That’s the only bad thing bout Hells. When you first gets here, they’s make you fill forms for weeks.” The griffon nodded, raking his claws on the dark stone. Papework was always one of the highests and most refined forms of torture. Perhaps the Boss was not as incompetent as he thought, but a clever one that went for the simple pains in life, like applications, losing keys and missing the train. Now eager to meet this mysterious figure, Discord became impatient. He felt tempted to wreak a bit of havoc to summon him, but Discord laid the thought to rest. The Boss was one of the few things more powerful than he was and the run in with the Elements of Boring had taught him to us something alike to caution.

As Discord stewed in his own thoughts, a black shape descended from the grand staircase in the middle of the Grand Hall, its head covered by an ominous hood. It floated over the sea of souls, which parted without a single command. Unlike the grand celebration and delight over Discord, the entire hall had bit their tongues, if they were not cut out. Silence gripped at the air, and the souls in their blue haze bowed and trembled. Discord raised an eyebrow at the sudden show. Such respect could only mean one thing. This was the Boss, the long slithering shape that worked towards the draconequus, clutching a scythe in his clawed hand. Roots and Paul were trembling in their deep bows, but Discord stayed standing, arms crossed in defiance. He bowed to nothing. As the ghastly shroud landed before him, Discord scoffed. If he could put on an uncaring air, he might just get away with anything. The shape slammed its scythe into the ground, the shaft cracking the hard stone, and a wave of terror swept the room. He pulled off his hood with a flourish, revealing the wide grin of a draconequus with a pair fangs teasing out of his mouth, a dusty blue hair slicked back into a ponytail, and face that followed the rules of symmetry. He held a stern look for only a moment, before his blue eyes widened and a grin broke out.

“Oh my! The great Discord, the immortal soul bearer of Chaos, in my court! What a delight, an impossibility in its wording, but a delight.” The draconequus snatched Discord’s hand in a rough shake, giggling and swishing his tail back and forth like an over excited dog. Glancing back at the bowed silence behind him, Boss waved his hand nonchalantly, and the play button was pressed. The room whirred back to life as if nothing had happened, as if the scythe in the middle of the room was nonexistent. Discord cringed and pulled away from the grip, shaking out his mangled fingers. So this was the Boss. The grinning leader of Hell looked like a pushover, to say the least. A few chuckles slipped past Discord’s thin filter as Boss waved at and pet a few passerbys, pausing to answer their questions about paperwork. He finally turned his eyes to Discord. “I hope you’re enjoying yourself, Discord. I figure Hell is not what you imagined.”

“No, I imagined more... fire and brimstone.” Discord tapped a finger to his chin. Boss could only chuckle, slapping the draconequus on the shoulder.

“You have no idea how much that bothers me, honored guest! You can tell we deal with the finer lines of torture… Though we did get a firestorm a few days ago, but I think that Skye was just in a bad mood again.”

“Skye?”

“The Skye, Mister Dissycord,” Roots interjected. “ It’s the sky above us. It’s a thing thats bringing alls the souls to hell. It sorts the souls for Boss, since he’s so busy ordering his death angels rounds.” The unicorn nodded, trying to add a sage like air to his words. The sky was a living creature? Discord chuckled. That explained the mystery of the cross voice. A being that encompassed the entire sky…

Discord shuddered, the thought of being watched constantly suddenly sending a chill down his spine. He was impressed at the same time, surprised that he could even experience the feeling after all the things he’d seen. And he’d seen many things that should have been locked away and burnt in lava, if they weren’t immune to it.

“Discord, you should really relax, you’re in good company.” Boss grinned, his dark blue eyes holding a playful glint that seemed all too familiar. Was this being as much of a trickster as he was? He was obvious skilled in the way of tortures, the long lines for paperwork coupled with fast service that lead to more paperwork… An almost never ending line of paperwork with the worst elevator music that Discord had ever heard. Perfect. Perhaps Boss was more than he appeared.

“Well of course. I’m with the ruler of Hell.”

“Oh yes, you are, dear friend. And I know we’ll just be the best of friends, you see.” Boss continued to speak now wearing a razor thin smile, his two fangs glinting with malevolence. “Good friends, you see. The kind that work together and would never ever try to overthrow the other because they’d be incinerated for eternity.”

Discord paused for a moment, the thought replaying in his mind. His blood slowly ran cold, and the faux beating of his heart stopped. Boss was more than just a welcoming face no matter how warmly he smiled. The very Soul of Death, the end of all mortal creatures, stood before him. Though kindness, compassion, and love flowed through him, there was no hiding the monster that lurked below, that could only tolerate so much. Boss pulled the famed scythe out of the ground with another chuckle.

“This thing is the only bit that they got right.” Boss looked it over with a pout. “Shiny, ain’t it? It’s my best friend, besides Skye of course. It’s a good sky.”

“Oh Boss, you’re too kind.” A bodiless voice purred in all of their ears. “You should show our honored guest around, before you forget.” A force pushed them towards the grand black stairs. “Go on now. I’ll always be here, Boss.”

“Yes, of course darling,”he said as he waved his grand weapon towards the stairs. A glare slapped Roots and Paul in the face. With a whimper, they trotted after Boss with reluctance. They both took shallow, anxious breaths and their heads remained bowed, until Boss pat them both on their heads with a chuckle.. “You did well.”

Discord was shocked at their immense joy at the pat. They bounded up and nuzzled Boss’s legs with wide grins, purring out compliment after compliment, which he returned with gusto. Boss smirked at Discord after giving the pair one last pat on the head, leading his guest onwards. Floating after Boss, he contemplated his true power. Down here, he was the absolute and total ruler, without rival and without bonds, and yet this being, this wellspring of power, was a beloved and hallowed figure. The friendly waves after his hood slipped off, the loving pats and high fives, the questioning about friends… Boss was a bona fide politician. Perfect for ruling Hell.

They flitted past the many rooms of the castle, past the Room of Eternal Awkward Stickiness, the Room of Eternal Itchiness, the Room of Eternal Lack of Breath and even the Room of Eternal Almost Sneezing. All high class forms of tortures that annoy and irritate the soul. Discord resisted the urge to ask what they had done once they passed the Room of Eternal Toe Stubbing.

“They were all stupid souls that thought they could defy me and take over.” Boss said suddenly, ignoring the fact Discord had said nothing. “Make Hell more… fire and brimstone.” He rolled his eyes as he spoke, and then smiled down at Roots and Paul. “But we didn’t let them, now did we? You were all such good little soldiers.” Roots giggled, rubbing against his master’s leg. The smile on the draconequus’s face faded into a thin line of distaste. “But even when I offered them a chance of forgiveness when they gathered their silly little ‘armies’…” Boss scoffed and placed a paw on Discord’s shoulder and gave him a warm, friendly squeeze laced with anger. “The armies always were smarter than the leader when it came to giving up, you see. When you knock them down with the flick of a finger, they’re quick to surrender. Unless you’re the leader. And that’s why we have all these little torture rooms. Many uprisings were crushed under the power of my army and my powers.”

Discord shuffled in place, discomfort welling up in his throat.

“Relax, we’ll get along fine, Discord. You and I, rulers of Hell. I’ll even let you have chocolate rain, if Skye is willing. This place will be your paradise to cause as much madness as you like. You’ll love it.” Boss chuckled, pulling Discord into a tight hug. Turning him towards the window, Boss continued. “You and I will be... You’re fading.”

So he was. Discord could feel himself gripped by Skye, its hot touch an unwelcome feeling. Curses were exchanged as Roots and Paul were batted away by a raging Skye. Its voice was one of garbled confusion, trying to explain something that was too complicated to make sense. Discord scrambled to grip onto Boss, his claws suddenly held down and trapped against him as he was pulled away.

His possible brilliant future of madness, power, and happiness ruling Hell alongside Boss was being torn out of his claws. And then he opened his eyes.

Changelings. They filled the air, blackening the sky above Canterlot like spilled ink, hissing, buzzing and changing into those six ponies that annoyed him.

“Well, this is hell.”