Lyra and Bon

by Bicyclette

Rating: teen
Tags: Bon-Bon, Sex, Random, Violence, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1647

A collection of wacky-to-the-point-of-sociopathy Lyra / unamused-long-suffering Bon Bon comedy shorts

A collection of wacky-to-the-point-of-sociopathy Lyra / unamused-long-suffering Bon Bon comedy shorts.

Heavily inspired by Jake and Amir.

Published 2020-09-17 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-27 14:37:00 UTC

Candies

Candies 1

"Hey, Bon Bon!"

Bon Bon groaned as she slid the last finished tray of treats into the cooler. The thumps of Lyra hopping down the stairs shook the shop kitchen. The mint-green unicorn bounded in with a characteristically excited grin plastered on her face.

"I've got some new candy ideas for your shop. Wanna hear 'em?"

"No, Lyra." Bon Bon sighed, shutting the door to the cooler. At least Lyra came to bother her at the very end of the workday this time.

"Aw, c'mon! They're good ones!"

"No, Lyra!" she yelled, knowing it would be fruitless. Lyra started anyway.

"Sweetie Bot Mitzvah Drops. It's a kosher sugar candy made just for Jewish fillies who are about to undergo a ritual signifying their coming of age. But you can't sell it to anypony outside of that specific demographic or else that," she raised a hoof to underline her point. "Would be cultural inappropriation."

"That is a very specific demographic. I'm pretty sure that consists of just Sweetie Belle, which is a fact that you seem to be aware of since you're using a pun based on her name. Do you understand why that wouldn't be economically viable for me?"

"Marshmelodrama ice cream," Lyra continued. "That's when you criticize a certain purple-maned unicorn until she cries. Just really go hard on her, picking at all of her flaws and insecurities until she starts bawling and pulls out her ice cream to give herself just a little boost. Just some endorphins to counter all of the hurtful, horrible things you just said to her. In her vulnerable state, she won't be able to stop you from just taking it!"

"Or, you could just buy the same ice cream she gets? And not act cruelly towards somepony for no reason and then rob them?" Lyra showed no response. "I'm pretty sure she even gets it from the same store we shop at."

"So you don't like that one, huh? All right." Lyra scratched her chin with her hoof. "Here it comes. How about Flutter Bat Mitzvah Drops? It's a kosher sugar candy made just for Fluttershy, but only when she's somehow" Lyra giggled, "transformed herself into a bat for some reason!" Lyra raised both her forehooves just to shrug exaggeratedly and guffaw.

"Is... is that a thing she even does?" Bon Bon felt a headache coming on. She pressed her temple with her hoof to relieve it. "Is Fluttershy even Jewish?"

"What?" Lyra asked, puzzled. "No, why would you even ask that?" She scoffed. "A little racist, don't you think?"

"No, it's because you said-"

"Look, clearly this isn't working," she interrupted. "How about gay fries?"

"What!?"

"Look, it's not what it sounds like. It's when you take hay fries, and dip them in a gravy sauce," she emphasized. "Also, they're not legally allowed to marry in the Crystal Empire."

"That's-"

"Queer fries?"

"Now you're just doing that deliberately."

"That's when straight ponies. Who are allowed to eat ANY other type of fries, by the way. Want to eat gay fries but they can't, so they make their own version of it, and suddenly you can't get gay fries anywhere, only queer fries." Lyra snorted. "What's up with that, anyway?"

"Gay ponies are allowed to eat fries!" Bon Bon shouted. "I eat fries, you've seen me eat fries! And I don't even know where to begin with what's wrong with the rest of what you said!"

"How about Zap Apple Doorjambs?" said Lyra, ignoring her again.

"So we're not going to talk about the queer fries thing?"

"That's when you take out a large personal loan in order to buy the entire harvest of Zap Apples this year from the Apple family. Then you process them all into a hardened syrup at great expense, shape them into wedges, and sell them as doorjambs."

Bon Bon tried to say it with as much import as she could. "No."

"Okay, I get it! I was reaching with that one." Lyra shook her head. "But this one's good. Apple. Pie."

Bon Bon sighed. "The... baked good?" she said hopefully.

"No, the pony!" Lyra paused. "Well, I don't personally know any ponies named that, but I'm sure one exists somewhere in Equestria! So, you know, we do her. Or him. But a candy."

"..."

"Okay, how about CheerileeChangas?"

"What is that? Miss Cheerilee, 'but a candy'?"

"No! I mean, I don't know what it is. I just thought it was a good pun but I couldn't think of anything for it," Lyra shrugged. "Hope you would have some ideas."

Bon Bon slapped her face with her hoof.

"This is supposed to be you telling me YOUR ideas, I don't want any part in this."

"No wait, I've got one! I Love Being Covered In Maud! Pie."

"What!?"

"That's when you drug an imperturbable and laconic Maud Pie -- nonconsensually, mind you! -- into unconsciousness and drape her heavy earth pony frame all over your face, making sure to obstruct all of your airways."

"WHY are you emphasizing the NONCONSENSUAL part?" Bon Bon groaned. "That was kind of already implied by the drugging, and the creepiness! Also, that's not a candy!"

"What's that?"

"I mean, most of the other things you said so far weren't candy either, but this isn't even a food, or an object. It's just being suffocated but with extra, unnecessarily rapey steps."

"Look, do you want to hear about the rest of these candy ideas or not?"

"No, I don't, actually-"

"Cherry Jubilee! Cherry Berry. Éclair Crème! Caramel. Twilight Sparkle! Cheese Sandwich."

"That's... just a list of pony names, isn't it?"

"Rainbow Dash Browns! That's when you take a clump of rainbow hairs from Rainbow Dash's mane and sauté them in a hash until they're all nice and brown."

"Why take Rainbow Dash's hair if the goal is to get them all toasted and brown anyway? That's not even how hair color works!"

"And the best part! You will be obtaining the mane hairs nonconsens-"

"No!" Bon Bon shouted. "Why is that the- Why do you keep EMPHASIZING that!?"

"Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue 'Marble' Madness Pie!" Lyra announced, out-shouting her. "That's when you take a demure and abashed Marble Pie -- who wouldn't say boo to a goose, mind you -- slather her in mascarpone and meringue in a pie tin, and bake it in the oven on high for about three hours."

"That's just straight up murder and cannibalism." Bon Bon sighed resignedly. "And what about the marzipan?"

"The what now?"

"Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue 'Marble' Madness Pie. You covered the Mascarpone. The Meringue. The Marble Pie. I assume the Madness part is just all..." She waved a hoof vaguely in the air. "This. But what about the Marzipan?."

Lyra blinked, not responding to her query. She continued.

"Gingerbread Castle of the Two Sisters."

"So you're just not answering any of my questions, right? Even just the ones about the basic logic of the things you're saying?"

"That's when you help two sisters, who are mere children. Foals, really! Overcome their differences by building a gingerbread castle together."

"That... that actually sounds like a nice thing to do."

"Then you take the one with a darker coat and imprison her for a thousand years! That's not an exaggeration, either. Just straight up put her in a place she can't leave or communicate with her parents or sister or anypony she loves or cares about for ten centuries. A hundred decades, even!" Lyra chuckled.

"Look... I get what you are referencing. The real-life Equestrian events that you based this on. But the way you described it was just incredibly racist and probably treasonous. Regular ponies don't even live-"

"Chocolate Streaked Glossy 'Limestone' Cake!" Lyra screamed. "That's when you take an undemure and not abashed Limestone Pie, slather her in marzipan, mascarpone, and meringue in a pie tin, and bake it in the oven on high for about three hours."

"You already said that one!"

"What? No I didn't."

"Yes you did! Except that it was about Marble Pie. It was exactly the same thing! Except you emphasized the marzipan thing that I pointed out. Are you actually listening to me and pretending not to or something?"

Lyra blinked uncomprehendingly.

"Then there was the weird thing about Maud Pie before that. What is with you and the Pie sisters?"

"It's not my fault if their unavailability makes them so alluring!" Lyra threw up her forehooves in frustration. "And these aren't all about the Pie sisters! Look, here's the next one. Igneous 'Rock Soup' Pie Soup."

"So it's just the whole Pie family, then," Bon Bon reacted flatly.

"That's when you render a visit to the fine establishment of one Igneous 'Hammurabi' Pie-"

"Not his name."

"And conclude a commercial transaction with him to buy all of his rock candy for any-" Lyra waved to emphasize "-number of bits he desires!"

"That's just fiscally irresponsible."

"Then you say, 'No thank you. Rocks aren't candy, idiot.' And dump out all the candy in front of him and walk away."

"So he gets to keep both the bits and the candy. Okay. Not even a candy. Sure. Just another bizarre action that you're proposing." She sighed. "And he's somehow the only one in the Pie family you're not murdering or drugging-"

"PINKIE!" Lyra shouted, cutting her off. "Pie's!" She stepped closer to Bon Bon with eyes wide, until their snouts were almost touching. "Cupcakes," she whispered.

"I don't want to know!" Bon Bon threw up her forehooves, turned around, and finally walked away.

"Wait, it's just going to Pinkie Pie's house and getting some cupcakes from her!" Lyra shouted after her. "Normal, regular cupcakes! Well, I guess the way she makes them is a bit eccentric, you could say. A bit out of the box, if you will!" Lyra chuckled. "You see, first she-"

Confession

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.