Author's Note
Twi-Fight?
(I really wish there was an absurdity tag)
Twilight vs Twilight
A pair of purple ponies sat across from each other. Both had wings, both had horns. Both had a star on their butt, and both had an annoying tendency to freak out over little things. The one facing the other hated peanut butter, while the other one loved hayburgers. Both had notepads beside them, their quills sitting at the ready, yet there was a difference between them.
“Twilight.”
“Twilight.”
“Lovely day we’re having.”
“Is it? I didn’t notice any windows in here. How exactly did you figure that out?”
“We have pegasus DNA Twilight. We’re alicorns after all. Two wing flicks and a bit of our back fur standing on end means sunny day.”
“I knew that.”
One Twilight blinked.
“So, back to the day I suppose. Lovely isn’t it?”
Twilight shrugged.
“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t look.”
“I’m aware. You’re just… staring at me.”
“I’m sure I am.”
Twilight shuffled in place for a moment.
“Is the shotgun really necessary?”
Twilight shrugged.
“We’ll see.”
Both Twilight’s stared at each other for a long time, then the one without the shotgun asked;
“Do you remember how we got here?”
“Something about an audition,” Twilight answered. “I don’t really remember; all I know is that I brought my shotgun.”
Twilight eyed the gun up and down. Twilight cocked her head and narrowed her eyes.
“Is my shotgun really that unnerving to you? That’s kind of suspicious if you ask me.”
“Ah,” Twilight said in understanding. “So that’s what this is about.”
“So you admit it!”
“Admit what?”
Twilight scoffed.
“Don’t play dumb, that only solidifies my theory. A real version of me would know that we can’t be dumb. It’s physically impossible for us.”
“The Ponyville newspaper put out a poll and we were elected dumbest purple horse of the year.”
“That poll was biased and the Ponyville Times is fake news anyway.”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Alright, we were also the mare who locked herself in Tartarus without a key.”
“That was one time, and my friends and I found a way out!”
“Coming from the mare who nearly lost Equestria’s magic to a child.”
“Her talent was manipulation, and besides, that’s Starlight’s fault. She’s the dumb purple horse.”
“She’s your student, and I’ve always thought she was closer to a mauve than a purple.”
“Mauve is a purple!”
“No, Maud is Pinkie’s sister.”
Twilight facehoofed.
“Maybe in your universe I’m dumb, but I know I’m not dumb! Dumb ponies don’t bring shotguns!”
Twilight snorted.
“That’s coming from the mare who’s too dumb to admit to herself that she wants to bang her old teacher now that she’s no longer a princess.”
Twilight blushed and looked away.
“That’s….”
“Oh, and Luna too. Heck, I still remember the diary entry. We were trying to go for the trivecta, but then Shiney had a kid with Cadence. Kind of locked that piece of flank down, but I think we’d be more than willing to settle for two all-powerful goddess ponies if we’d just ask them out.”
Twilight coughed loudly.
“Not the point, and that has nothing to do with my intelligence! I’m just… shy about that.”
Twilight smiled.
“I know, that’s why I brought it up. Who better to practice with than me?”
Twilight sat up straight.
“But you’re not me. I’m 99% sure.”
Twilight looked pointedly down.
“Then I’m sure there isn’t a puddle beneath your chair.”
Twilight shrieked and looked down to find nothing. Her eyes switched from panic to a narrowed anger as she looked back up to her “counterpart”. Twilight racked a shotgun shell and leveled it at “Twilight’s” head.
“Anything else to say?”
“Why are we so obnoxiously purple?”
Twilight sighed and resisted the urge to rub at her temple.
“Alright, let’s go through the list. Mirror pool?”
“Nope.”
“Discord, or, let me clarify, a different world’s Discord who believes I won’t turn him to stone for this?”
“Nope. Just another Twilight.”
“You act more like Pinkie Pie.”
“I want you to travel back in time to when you were still a book worm, then tell me about how strangely we act.”
Twilight scowled at the thought, tapping on her shotgun.
“Are you a skinwalker?”
“No.”
“That’s exactly what a skinwalker would say.”
“Is that so? Are you a skinwalker?”
“No.”
“Point made.”
“Point not made, because I have a shotgun, and it’s been recorded that skinwalkers can’t use firearms.” She smiled smugly. “They lack the capacity to clean and maintain a firearm properly.”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Fine,” she said sarcastically. “You got me, I’m a skinwalker.”
“Ah ha! I knew it!”
Twilight sat in silence for a few moments, then cocked her head.
“Are you going to do anything about it?”
Twilight scoffed.
“Oh it doesn’t matter who or what you are. My castle has pacification spells on it. Nothing can cause harm here, not even a skinwalker.”
“Then why do you have a shotgun?”
Twilight blinked stupidly, then looked at the shotgun in her hooves.
“Why do I have this?”
She tossed the gun to the side, and it hit the ground butt first. A shot rang out, followed by a birdlike shriek from the ceiling. A purple body thudded into the ground, twitching erratically. Both Twilights eyed the body, then looked toward the ceiling. Twilight oh’ed softly and bit her lip.
“That’s right, this isn’t my castle. I still have no idea how I got here.”
Twilight sighed and rubbed at her forehead.
“That’s okay, I’m not a skinwalker anyway. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
The Twilight’s stared at each other in silence for a few moments, then Twilight asked;
“Do you want to go make out behind the bookcases?”
Twilight let out a sigh of relief.
“Oh thank Celestia, I thought that was just me.”
The pair hopped out of their chairs and cheerfully trotted behind the bookcases. The sound of two Twilight’s making out joined the cacophony of the room. In between bookcases pairs of Twilights made out with each other, while near the ceiling Twilights nested, snorting and snoring as they slept. In the darker corners of the library, some Twilights built massive bookforts, while others pounded on the large pair of double doors, begging to be let out.
On the other side of a one-way window, Twilight adjusted her glasses with a hoof and made a note on her clipboard.
“That’s two more for making out. Maybe I should try finding a make out double.”
Spike snorted and crossed his arms.
“It’s probably going to be the only way you don’t die a virgin, so I say go for it.
Twilight knickered in protest, but before she could say anything, another shot rang out as a Twilight poked at the discarded shotgun. The action provoked war between two of the bookforts, and Twilights dove for cover as spells began to fly. Spike grimaced as a bookcase caught fire.
“I’d recommend making sure the next batch doesn’t have firearms though.”
Twilight grunted in agreement and absentmindedly pulled the fire/magic suppression system. A fire extinguisher put out the fire, while a magic hand grabbed the shotgun and pulled it into the wall. Finally, a massive box of rare tomes floated down to the fighting Twilights, and they immediately called a cease fire as they began cuddling up to study together.
“Batch three hundred and forty-seven.”
Her horn charged with power, then four more Twilights appeared in the chairs the last two had abandoned. Two immediately set about investigating their surroundings, while the other two looked into each other’s eyes. They both blushed, and then giggled as they held hooves and trotted off to find an unoccupied bookshelf.
Twilight watched them go with an even frown, then looked back to her clipboard. Spike sighed and leaned against a wall.
“So what’s the point of this again?”
Twilight sighed and rubbed at her horn.
“Well, it was supposed to be a great buildup, but now I’m thinking that this has got to be the lamest Aristocrats joke I’ve ever seen.”
She looked behind her, where Celestia and Luna were sitting behind a judges table with frowns on their faces.
“So how did I do?”
Celestia remained completely stone faced, while Luna just held her head and pointed to the door.
“Get out.”
