My Little Pony, My Little Pony, and Me 322: Way Too Much Ghost Sex Talk For an Episode with a Princess in It

The McColtroy Brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be taken seriously. Scraps claims to be a ‘sexpert’, but if there’s a degree on his wall… well, I haven’t seen it. Also, this show isn’t for kids, which I mention only so the foals out there will know how cool they are for listening. What’s up, you cool foals?

The music faded out, slowly replaced by the sound of distant crashing waves. Three stallions, heads slightly bowed, sat at a desk, each one with his own personal microphone.

“Hello,” murmured the first stallion, with his sea-green coat and dark mane. Soft music, interspersed with chimes, began to play over the waves in the background. “And welcome to My Brother My Brother and Me. I am your oldest brother and personal nutritionist, Juice McColtroy. Have you touched wheat or any wheat by-products recently? 'Cause them boys gonna fuck you right up."

“I am your middlest brother and your fashion guru, Scraps McColtroy,” the violet-coated stallion to his left intoned. "What's in this season? It's bow ties. But not where you would expect!"

“And I am your sweet baby brother and your… coach,” said the last stallion, who was tan with a close cropped mane, “Ditto McColtroy. Get down and give me twenty... lotus... positions?”

“We here at My Brother My Brother and Me are pleased to announce the creation of our new lifestyle brand,” Juice continued, in that same gentle voice. “Ooze.”

“Ooze,” Ditto echoed.

“Ooze,” Scraps said. “You see, for so long, we’ve had people writing into us so we could solve their problems.”

“So now,” Ditto said, “we’re taking the proactive approach, and selling all the answers right to you.”

“That’s right,” Juice said. “With our new line of health products, we can guarantee that you will be cleaned, spiritually and physically.”

“Emotionally and mentally,” Scraps added.

“Outside and inside, if ya know what I mean,” Ditto said.

“We nasty,” Scraps agreed. “Nasty and cleansing.”

“Shabby and baroque,” Juice intoned.

“And you too can enjoy the many benefits of our lifestyle brand,” Ditto intoned. “Like, here’s an example. One time we got a question from somepony who wanted to teach their child to do all his poops in a bag, for environmental reasons.”

“And now, you too can purchase a box of Ooze-branded, lilac-scented matches that you can use to burn that pony’s house down,” Juice said. “Or, maybe you’re having relationship problems and you need to pack your bags and move away. But you just don’t have the right luggage to pack up your ding-dang strawberries in.”

“Order our limited-edition miniature strawberry suitcase, the perfect size and shape to fit one little berry in,” Scraps said. “It’s lined with real velvet made from the upper lip hair of a Saddle Arabian prince, and it’s on sale for only three thousand bits. Buy eleven, and get the twelfth one free.”

Juice nodded and continued. “Or maybe you want to explore alternative medicine, like, for instance…” He trailed off, grinning, and reached out to press a button.

“Taint Tanning,” a prerecorded voice intoned.

Scraps started wheezing and Ditto had to put his head on the desk, shoulders shaking.

Ignoring them, Juice set his head on his hoof and continued. “...or, you know, taking medicine for something it was never meant to treat, or putting vinegar in your sexual orifices,” Juice said. “In which case, perhaps I can interest you in our most popular product, the totally-free Wakeup Call.”

“Wakeup call, wakeup call,” both of his brothers murmured in a gentle susurration, desperately trying to contain their laughter.

“That’s where you explain what you’re trying to do to my wife, medical doctor Syringe McColtroy, and she explains to you on her podcast how that maybe what you’ve suggested will actually permanently fuck you up,” Juice expounded.

“No matter what your situation, we are here to advise you,” Scraps said.

“To relieve the aching burden from around your neck,” Ditto said.

“All for the low, low price of, saaay, the equivalent value of a modest house,” Juice said, his composure cracking slightly. “We take bits, checks, buckball trading cards, your firstborn, the souls of the innocent, and all of your critical thinking skills.”

Scraps struck a gong, and all three brothers sat up a little straighter. “For now, though, let’s focus on this old, dilapidated husk of a self-help guide,” Juice said, his voice normal once more. “I mean -- look at it, we were hardly even making chicken scratch off it.”

“Yeah, I’m so glad we went into the market of selling candles that smell like our dicks,” Ditto said.

Juice chortled. “Y-- I mean -- it really does sound almost even worse that way around, doesn’t it?”

“But it sells!” Scraps said brightly. “It sells. And think about just how much time we wasted giving away our nuggets of wisdom for free.”

“Aaah, yeah, it’s a disgrace,” Juice said, nodding. “It is a disgrace.”

Scraps tilted his head. “Are you still talking about our show?”

“Of course, Scraps, what else could I have been talking about?” Juice said. “It’s not like there’s some other unscrupulous seller of overpriced and dangerous self-care items.”

“Of course, of course, what could I have been thinking,” Scraps said.

“Anyway,” Juice said. “As you have by now certainly gleaned, this is an advice show -- albeit one for a slightly outdated era, now. We got any buyers on the old property yet, boys?”

“Well, there’s been some talk of the Yahooves Answers Service acquiring it,” Ditto said. “From muck it came, and to muck it shall return, I guess.”

“Isn’t the saying, ‘from Earth it came’?” Scraps wondered.

Ditto tilted his head to the side. “Eehhh… not where Yahooves Answers are concerned.”

“Fair,” Scraps concurred.

“Still, we must’ve done something right,” Juice said. “Considering that we’re the only radio show to be played in not just one, but two universes!”

“Yeah, suck it, every other radio show!” Scraps cheered.

“Huff our dick-scented candles, Stop Ponecasting Yourself!” Ditto said.

“Ride off into the sunset, Filly Geniuses!” Scraps added.

“Jordan? Hey, Jordan, hey Jesse?” Ditto continued. “It’s time for you to go.”

"Nobody Listens to Paula Poundpone?" Juice began. "...Uhh..."

"That -- that one kinda comes prepackaged for our purposes here," Ditto said.

"Mm," Scraps agreed.

“That’s right, for the second-ever time, this episode of MBMBAM will be broadcast across the dimensions, into the strange and mysterious world of the humans!” Juice continued. “We’re still waiting to get an official response back, but y’know. We got time. In the meantime, it is our duty, our pleasure, and our honor to present to you this week’s show.”