End of Sentence, Full Stop

by Velocipede

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna
Length: 2291

The only human in Equestria needs help from Princess Luna, and has to explain a natural process of the human body.

The only human in Equestria needs help from Princess Luna, and has to explain a natural process of the human body. The human is very anxious. Also, a woman, BTW.

Warning: Featuring perfectly normal human body facts.

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I meant this human character to be a one-off, and NOT Ellie from my stories to come. Possibly not even the same continuity. Though I ended up liking this unnamed character. Very hashtag relatable, in my opinion. What do you think?

Published 2020-09-20 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-20 21:20:00 UTC

End of Sentence, Full Stop

"Princess Luna? Y-Your Highness?"

Princess Luna stopped her walk back to her quarters after a long night of her royal duties. The human was waving at her with an outstretched hand from the open door of her guest chamber. She noticed that the human was holding her lower garment in her waving hand, its legs flapping slightly like a banner in a low wind.

"Have you overcome your clothing taboo?" she inquired, approaching the human as her guards followed.

The human looked at the hand holding her pants as if realizing for the first time that she was holding them.

"Oh no, I..." She quickly tossed them aside out of view. "No, it's not that."

As Luna approached the human, who remained behind the threshold to her chamber, she could see that the human was covering herself with a bedsheet wrapped around her waist.

"It's... Do you remember that conversation we had yesterday?"

"Ah, yes. We do." Luna blinked. "You requested cloth bandages and adhesive tape from our infirmary. We inquired if you were wounded, and you replied that it was not so. We apologized, as we had to get to our royal duties of raising the moon at the time and could not take care of it right away." She looked down. "We apologize now. If we had known you were wounded, we would have made it a priority."

The human looked down as well, and wrapped the bedsheet around herself a few more times in a panic.

"No, I'm not wounded or anything! I just- I thought I had a few more days but I guess with all the stress of, you know, all this. It just came... early. And heavy."

An uncomprehending look.

"I mean, I did notice that not a single one of you ever seem to wear pants. Or anything covering your... rear, really. And I couldn't imagine such a... regal being as such as yourself just... letting it ride, you know?"

Luna blinked.

"Not that there would be anything wrong with it if you did!" the human shouted in a panic. "Like, really! It's a natural thing, you know? But, uh, since you seem to be confused about all this I guess it's just not something that... happens for you guys?"

Luna blinked again. "We must admit our confusion," she stated flatly.

"Oh, you know, it's, uh..." The human didn't know where to begin. "Like, do you... like... reproduce biologically? Or is it magic or a stork or something?"

"Yes, we do reproduce biologically," Luna stated. "It is not unprecedented that a visitor to our world would be interested in the science. Would you like us to summon one of our pony biologists? They can explain things much better, with pictures and film reels-"

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary! I just wanted to ask, um, about a specific part of that, process? You know, like your, uh, what your ovaries do? I mean, not like, yours, specifically, but like, uh, ponies in general? Well, half of ponies. Or more than half, it seems? I mean-"

"Yes, mares produce eggs in their ovaries as part of the estrous cycle," Luna interrupted. "Are you sure you do not want us to summon one of our pony biologists?"

"I mean, maybe? But you seem to know more about this than I do. Except not, I guess? I mean, 'estrous cycle'? Wow."

"It is the duty of any ruler to know about her subjects," Luna said with an air of authority.

"And that's really cool!" the human replied. "So, like, what happens if the egg doesn't get... used?"

"The body reabsorbs it," Luna said as if it were so obvious it did not count as a scientific fact. "What else would happen? Why would it be different for you?"

The human sighed and muttered, "I don't know. Because God is a misogynist?"

Luna had a puzzled look on her face, the kind that told the human one of the words she used didn't exist in Ponish. She did not want to dwell on which one.

"Never mind. Wow, reabsorbs! If only..." she said wistfully. "For humans, it has to... exit. Along with a bunch of blood and other stuff. And it's not just that, there's a whole process too which is just... all... well it's different for everybody, and every time. And I can't speak for all of us on how we relate to it, but for me it's just uncomfortable and sucks."

Luna blinked, confused.

"There is a sensation of suction? That does sound uncomfortable."

"What? No! That, uh, just means bad?"

Luna blinked again. "Why would suction be a bad thing?"

"Because-" the human sighed. Explaining that would be far too much at this point. "I guess it's because our society is messed up and I hate it."

Luna blinked again.

"Never mind that either. There's the other thing I want to talk to you about, too." She timidly held up a wadded ball of cloth in her other hand. "Do you remember the thing we talked about two days ago? Wait, no!"

The human protested as Luna abducted the ball in an aura of blue light, unfolding it in front of her. She cringed at the absurd sight of the graceful, magical, winged unicorn pony dispassionately studying the underwear she had been wearing for the past three days straight.

"Ah, yes, your harness. We are afraid we have had trouble reproducing the elasticity of the material." Luna's aura field stretched its sides to emphasize. The human died a bit further on the inside, somehow.

"It's really no big deal! It can be made of anything. Anything soft and not itchy. But at this point, seriously, anything. I'll take what I can get. You know, if it's not too much trouble?"

"Of course." Luna turned her head to look at the human. "We can recreate it by the afternoon. And we can understand your sense of urgency." She rotated the article in her aura, inspecting the other side. "It is soiled."

Luna noticed the human's dread.

"We are causing you distress." She returned the article to the human's hand, frozen in the position it was when she took it. "We apologize. We did not realize your harness had such cultural significance. Do you not wash it for that reason?"

"What? No! We totally do. That's not why-"

"Are you requesting that I take it to have it cleaned, then?" Luna leaned forward, her horn glowing slightly, with the same energy of a human offering a hand.

"What, no! I mean, yes, but I wouldn't, like, request that of you," she stammered. "You're, like, such an important ruler! You raise the moon and the stars, which totally doesn't not make sense from, like, a physics standpoint or anything! I mean, if you could point me to a washing machine, I could do it myself." She looked down at the unwieldly bedsheet wrapped around her. "Or, uh, maybe not. You probably don't even have washing machines."

"We do have washing machines."

That definitely made less sense than this world of castles and magical unicorn princesses not having washing machines. The human ignored that. Either way, she wasn't making a moon goddess take her dirty underwear anywhere.

"Or maybe if I could get some detergent in here, I could do it myself in the sink? I've done that while travelling before."

"This can be arranged," Luna assured. "We will also be sure to get you your cloth bandages right away." Luna looked down again. "Are you sure you do not require medical assistance? We can summon some of our best doctors and nurses."

"No, please. I can take care of it all by myself. Just the bandages and tape. I insist." The human looked down. "And new bedsheets. And a wastebasket with a lid. And the... harness. Sorry, I know that's a lot."

"Do not be sorry," Luna responded with a calming poise. "You are a guest in our world. We will do our best to welcome you and render you comfortable. Is that not how your land treats its guests?"

The human sighed. "No, not exactly."

"Well, it is of no matter. That is how Equestria treats our guests."

The human noticed a tinge of pride in that statement.

"Well, I- I'm honored. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart, Princess Luna." Suddenly the human laughed. "Sorry," she said when Luna looked at her. "Just that it was ironic what I had to explain to the Princess of the Moon. I mean, never mind."

Luna ignored yet another unexplained aside. "We think we understand, but we have noticed that you approached this topic with more than your usual level of hesitation. Is it taboo in your world?"

"No! I mean, yeah, kinda!" The human nervously rubbed her neck. "But it doesn't have to be. Like, I know it shouldn't be! And it's not, really. Girl power and all that." She raised a fist weakly. "But yeah, I guess I still feel uncomfortable talking about it? Like, I know I shouldn't but I do, you know?"

"Is it a rare condition in your world? This form of the estrous cycle."

"No, actually. It's... pretty much nearly all adult women."

Luna looked surprised. "With that prevalence, how is such a taboo sustainable?"

"You tell me!" she laughed nervously, not answering the question. Luna could tell it was time to move on.

"Well, please do not feel uncomfortable discussing your biological needs on our account. They are far from the most troublesome we have handled in the past." She took a soft breath, much more dignified than a sigh. "We have even had some guests in past who were... meat eaters." A slight tinge of disgust flavored the last two words. "Difficult to accommodate, but we did manage."

"Oh yeah, those meat eaters! Yeah!" the human laughed nervously again, protesting too much. "Total losers who get all sad and destroy an entire pepperoni pizza about twice a month. Totally not me!"

Yet another incomprehensible aside. Princess Luna sighed internally, not letting her slight annoyance show on her royal visage. She had appearances to keep up in front of guests to Equestria, after all. It was as good a time as any to take leave of the strange creature.

"Well, if you will excuse us. We must be off to our quarters to rest. But we will arrange for your requests to be fulfilled throughout the day."

"Thank you again, Princess! I mean, Your Highness."

The human sighed in relief as the imposing magical unicorn lady walked away, flanked by her silent guards, her amethyst and dark blue aura-mane somehow flowing behind her. Imposingly sexy, a stray thought fired across her neurons. She decided to ignore that and evaluate it at a later time. As she closed her door and sat down, she finally realized something important.

She no longer lived in a society! Well, a human society. But to these ponies she was an exotic outsider whose strange customs they seemed all too ready to understand and accommodate. She could pass off anything as normal human behavior, and they wouldn't judge it or think of her any less for it. Which meant...

Sweatpants every day! Stained ones, even! No bras or makeup or eyebrow plucking or shaving those three weird hairs on her chin! Eating like a slob in public. Not having to tame her bed head every morning. Not having to make her bed every morning (not that she did most mornings). Not having to order a salad because her friend on a diet ordered one. Not having to order vegetarian because her vegetarian friend- wait, no, that one still applied. No dreading parties because she's terrible in groups, but is great one-on-one. Well, there would still be parties. But she could not go to them and nobody would think she was weird or had bad social skills or anything. No more Twitter arguments or mass shootings or gross pickup lines on Tinder or creepy guys on the subway at night or worrying about climate change or worrying about how hard it was getting to make new friends the further she got from college or laughing at the wrong part of a joke or speaking up at work meetings or Facebook posts from her racist uncle or...

Of course, there were downsides. Aside from possibility that she might never find a way back home and thus never see another human or bacon cheeseburger ever again. All clothing would have to be custom-made for her. No elastane meant the replacement sweatpants would have to be drawstring but hey, can't get everything you want. No elastane, but they have washing machines and film? The material culture of this world was so confusing. And this whole DIY pads situation wasn't ideal either...

An idea struck her, prompting her to throw open the door and shout "Princess Luna!". She immediately regretted it seeing how far the princess had gotten while she was thinking. She could swear that she saw an uncharacteristic twinge of annoyance glimmer across her regal face as she turned around. The human realized that she totally could have waited until their next conversation to talk about this, but at this point it would be more awkward to say 'never mind!' and pretend it didn't happen, so-

"Sorry, one more question! How is your medical-grade silicone industry?"

Author's Note

I tried to write out the human's dialogue as it plays in my head. Also, I am afraid that I didn't quite capture Luna's voice and just used a generic formal register with royal we. But I hope it worked for you, friends.