In which we all collectively lose brain cells
Have you ever heard of Equestriaball? It's like countryballs, but it's Equestria! So anyway, Equestriaball and Venom Stinger were good friends (apparently) and were walking... er, rolling, in the case of Equestriaball, down the street, wrecking all that stood in their way.
"Wait, hold on, this ain't the story!" Surn yelled in the background, a potted plant on their head. "What're y'all doin', strutting around like you don't have any responsibilities we owe our existence to this story and the folks who thought us up!"
"What."
Surn proceeded to be yeeted across Ponyville--potted plant included--by none other than Slaughter: The Hollow Ghost.
"👀" said Odium, peeking out of his wolf cave. "What's going on out there?"
"We're trying to invent Google!" Zapper Frost grinned. We do not speak of where he emerged from. "We'll run Twilight's whole library business into the ground, just like what Grogar did that one time!"
Orange Picker raised a hoof.
"Yes?"
"Didn't Grogar burn down the library?"
Mister Frostyman nodded. "Yes, but he did something far worse, too! He drew in sharpie on the covers of the books he borrowed!"
Everyone within the city limits gasped, including the potted plant on Surn's head.
"How terrible!" Mastermare exclaimed in an exclaiming fashion to show that she was exclaiming something by waving her hooves around to exclaim her point. "We shall never deface books, save to make neato collages and found poetry!"
Equestria Ball's hat transformed back into Gypsy Moth, eliciting another round of gasps and one fainting courtesy of the local mailmare dropping bricks again. Literally.
"Neigh, we shall deface all the books, and then we will deface the faces, too! Burn it all down to the ground and start anew!"
Flashtruth was the one to raise a hoof this time. "Did... did you just say 'neigh'?"
"I'll do it again if you want me to!"
"Oh--"
"Neigh!" Gypsy Moth screeched, taking off into the air.
"I've got the wires!" Terrus Stokkr poked out of a rift in the fabric of space-time localized entirely within the backside of Venom Stinger's wingtips.
"Wait, we're actually following through with this whole "Google" idea?"
"Of course we are!" Starry Night grinned, slapping the sentient loaf of bread on the back. "Why wouldn't we?"
Breadboi rolled his eyes and rolled away on a scooter, right into the flaming remains of Twilight's castle.
"Oh hey, someone burned it down for us already."
"MY CASTLEEEEEEE!" Twilight screeched, swooping down from who-knows-where. "TIREK, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"
She lit her horn and vanished. It is said that if you sit still enough, and listen just the right way, you can still hear the screams of agony coming from Tirek as Twilight beat the ever-loving daylight out of him.
So.
457 words in, and no sign of the all-powerful and all-knowing Google yet. What gives?
Well, first of all, the author writing this absolute garbage fire of a fic is a broke college boi.
Secondly, that means that it's time for your favorite sponsor!
"That's right! We're back at it again with the white vans!" Flim drove said white van into a wall, causing an explosion big enough to send him flying high enough in the air to then be caught by Flam in a paraglider. "Here at Flim & Flam industries, we specialize all our efforts into ~~price gouging~~ ~~harvesting souls~~ ~~plotting coups~~ ~~mass-manufacturing an army of clones that are probably going to kill us all and rule supreme over all that we once knew and love, from the tiniest pebble to even the great galaxies above. All hope is lost as the CyberFlims and RoboFlams overrun the streets of Equestria, the final survivors of this new age cowering in fear within their bunkers, counting the last morsels of their measly rations as the clock ticks ever closer to that eternal midnight.~~ providing great customer service, and meeting the needs of each and every one of our customers on a personalized basis!"
"Yes, that!" Flim grinned, showing off his metal teeth and glowing red eyes. He took off the glow-in-the-dark contacts and spit out the metallic dentures, only for them to fall down and clonk Sunlight Glitter on the head. "Customer service and robotic takeo--"
Flam dropped Flim out of the sky. "As my brother was saying," he continued, "We dedicate our best work into serving ourselves, and serving you, our loyal customers! What, you're looking for what product we must be selling or promoting in this ad spot that is now threatening to overtake the entire rest of the story so far in terms of word count? Why, I never! I'll bet on my half-eaten cupcake-a-tron, capable of processing upwards of sixteen-thousand half-eaten cupcakes per hour into clean, renewable metabolism-based energy, available now for the absolutely stellar price of your mother and the device you are reading this ad on, that we are not trying to get you to buy anything!"
"And the Heccbochs Too!" Flim screamed as he continued to plummet.
Flam nodded solemnly. "Yes, and the Heccbochs Too. 'Tis a shame that such ugly consoles such as the Preenstation V and the Let'sbox Series Y must compete against the powerhouse that is the ~~mitochondria~~ Megahard-brand Heccbochs Too."
"GAEM?!" Sweetie Giraffe's head emerged from the forest canopy that Flam was flying over, rising up and up and up... and up... and... up...
"By Celestia's flaming nostrils!" Flam lifted his visor that he suddenly now had. "That's one tall girl!"
"YES. AM TALL. YOU SHORT. WILL DESTROY." Sweetie Giraffe boomed, her eyes turning scarlet-red. The frowny face on her flank frowned harder.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT, LET ME SELL YOU SOMETHING FIRST--" Flam stammered, dodging the first volley of lasers. "Have you ever suffered from neck pains and cramps? Do you ever wish there was a bed long enough for you to rest not only your body, but your entire neck and head on a single mattress? Well, have I got a product for you! Introducing the--"
The pile of ashes that was formerly Flam blinked, staring up at the looming Sweetie Giraffe.
"Oh. Okay. You don't want to buy."
"no buy." Sweetie Giraffe agreed. "no money."
"Honestly, same."
Well, that was quite the refreshing break from the insanity that we had there, yes? Feeling refreshed now? Have you drunken any water since the last time you breathed? Good. 'Cause where we're going, we don't need lungs. Or brain cells, for that matter.
Now then. What characters have I not mauled yet... looks like we've got Sunlight Glitter, Black Harbinger, Knit Wit, Firestorm, Mystic Night, Book Knight, and last but not least, Thunder Clash!
Man, that's a lot.
Oh well. Time for more literary carnage!
Book Knight and Mystic Night walked into a knight bar late at night. Three squirrels and half of a cobblestone later, and Knit Wit finally showed up with a firehose.
"We don't need a firehose," Book Knight transformed into Shadow Knight. "Now show me where you keep the crime."
"Wha--"
Shadow Knight held out a hoof. "Gib crime pls."
Knit Wit placed the firehose nozzle on the stallion's hoof. He was met with a long, drawn-out sigh.
"I... don't think that's what Shadow was looking for," Mystic Night nudged the hose. "In fact--"
Shadow the HEDGEhog then plummeted into the middle of the group, blowing everypony away, firehose included. He's just that edgy. I think.
"OH NOES THE EDGE IT HURTS" shouted Applejack out of nowhere because Applejack was being an Applejack in the middle of Applejack street eating a bowl of apple jacks. My thoughts hurt.
Sunlight Glitter then pulled out a shotgun and blasted Shadow out of this universe. Because one of the reference pics had a gun in it. Don't worry, edgy hedgehog boio is fine and healthy. He just got D I S P L A C E D at the last second.
Shadow the Hedgehog groaned, rubbing his head as he sat up. Where was he? Where am I? Where are you? Wait hold on, who are you? What's going on anymore? Why is my keyboard vibrating? The world may never know.
A rubber chicken landed on Shadow's head.
Black Harbinger was having a good day, as far as days went. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the tank was clean... wait, what? Emphasis on the past-tense.
'Cause everything is currently on fire.
"This is fine," Black Harbinger sipped a cup of tea. "I'm sitting here, stuck in a dead meme format as everything burns down around me. This is perfectly logical. I haven't lost any brain cells at all! Haha!"
Odium looked away from the window into the pocket universe. "Um... is he okay in there?"
Firestorm waved from inside the pocket universe. Black Harbinger cocked his head at the inclusion of a new friend.
"Wait, since when was Firestorm in there too?"
"Since when were you not in here?" Black Harbinger shot back.
"Fair enough."
At this point, the author has lost track of how many times each OC has appeared in the story. At the very least, however, he knows that there is one final dudebro left.
Thunder Clash careened across the sky with a cookie in his mouth. Naturally, because this story is clearly insane, he'd been launched by a trebuchet. The author is thinking about angry birds. You are now an angry bird.
Terrus Stokkr joined Thunder Clash on the trebuchet-o-matic-a-tron-inator 3000, and was subsequently flung face-first into Canterlot Castle where he crashed Celestia's date with a stallion who turned out to be cake.
Celestia blinked. "Wait, he was cake?"
Always has been, Celly.
Luna watched her sister from the vents.
Yes, I'm pulling Among Us into this and you can't stop me. Stream of consciousness writing, yay! Speaking of which, the most fun time to write stream of consciousness writing is late at night when you're only barely conscious. It's fun 'cause your thoughts are 100% scrambled and you end up having to re-read what you wrote the next day like 50 times just to understand what a mess you've made with your story, your keyboard, your reputation, and your life.
Ha.
Ha.
Haa......
So anyway, what about them skateboards? Haven't ever had much experience with skateboards besides getting my ankles smacked by one last summer, but hey, skateboards!
"Yeah, skateboards!" Surn yelled because I feel like some of these characters need more screen-time. Surn did some crazy backflips while riding the skateboard before meeting the thing at the potted plant that now mysteriously had moved onto the head of Slaughter, even though Slaughter is apparently a ghost because he's named "Slaughter: The Hollow Ghost". Interesting stuff, I tell ya. Now then, back to skateboards.
Breadboi rolled past on his lil' blue scooter wearing some sick shades. The coolness factor of these sunglasses were so much cooler than the standard 20% Rainbow Dash level that the speed demon herself was summoned before the loaf of sentient bread. She opened her eyes, staring at breadboi, then to her Twilight fanfiction. You decide what kind of Twilight fanfiction it is that she's reading. I ain't gonna touch it even with a 10-foot long pole.
One may ask themselves at this point, why does this story not seem to end soon enough? Elementary, my dear Watson, it's because when the insanity starts, it never ends! In fact, at this very moment, you are actually reading a book about how to gain ultimate control over life and reality itself, but you'll never know what those secrets are, because your mind has been tainted with crazy! You're welcome, by the way. Now then, we should probably get back to horsewords before--
Sweetie Giraffe has left the server.
Aw, that's no fu--
Sweetie Giraffe army has joined the server.
Oh. Oh no.
The carnage was swift. Fires burned in every direction. The era of Sweetie Giraffe had begun. The forces of Equestria--the Elements of Harmony, Discord, the Princesses--heck, even Celestia's cake husband and Luna of the vent were overwhelmed! Or were they just whelmed? I honestly don't know at this point. It's 2:05 AM and my iPod ran out of power.
So anyway, "power" was word number 2020, which is weird given how the words "chaos" or "terrible" would make for much better 2,020th words than "power", but I guess you just gotta roll with it sometimes. What was this story about again?
Oh yeah, the Sweetie Giraffe world invasion. I'm going to show the future generations this story and call it a historical fiction about the year 2020.
...
...
So anyways, Twilight proceeded to absolutely slam her face against the book she'd been writing which may or may not have actually been this fic.
"Look, girls, I've invented facebook!"
No, Twilight. Why would you do this to the world? Does it not suffer enough already?
Twilight then slammed some keys on her keyboard. Looks like there's gonna be a hidden secret in this story, too. Doube y'all can find it, though. No hints!
Starry Night watched the starry night under the sky. Gypsy Moth and Venom Stinger, both being the lil' buggos that they are, flew towards the moon. Except it was a street light that they kept bumping their muzzles up against.
Hm. I wonder how much longer this story will go before the author decides to finally fall asleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--
wait hold up i forgot that this story is about inventing GOogle in Equestria.
I guess I just won't sleep! Actually, nah, I'll sleep but I'll work on the rest of this trainwreck tomorrow or something. Maybe.
...
...
So I ended up taking like two days off from remembering that this story exists already, so I guess we should probably get down to business (to defeat the Hunnnnns!).
"So... weren't we trying to make Google or something?" Flashtruth interrupted absolutely nobody. "What happened to that idea?"
"I HAVE THE SERVERS!" Orange Picker screeched, riding in on the back of Slaughter. "I totally didn't steal them!"
"Hey, give us back our servers!"
"Totally!" she hopped off and slammed the door shut on the portal to our world. "With access to this much knowledge, we will for sure tear down the hierarchy system here in Equestria!"
"Yeah yeah okay, you go do that. Me, on the other hand?" Gypsy Moth landed on top of the hunk of metal that was the ravaged servers of Google. "I say we forget about Equestria entirely! We have the know-how and the technology, so let's get to ~~building an unstoppable army of cyborgs~~ building Google!"
And so they built.
Racks upon racks of totally-not-stolen servers towered high into the air, whirring on and on as the surrounding building, built illegally on the property of Sweet Apple Acres, rose towards the sky.
Oh, and I should probably mention that they're all practically broke and sleeping in the office, true to the Google of our own universe. Gotta love tech hobos.
So yeah, that's the inventing Google in Equestria part. Took all but two one-sentence paragraphs to finish.
And then the world exploded. Maybe.
Just kidding! The Google that exists in this Equestria proceeded to grow into a near-monopoly, crushing most, if not all of its competitors as it expanded into more and more industries, becoming a corporate behemoth that by that point had lost nearly all of its original ragtag identity. Also all of those twenty OCs are rich now. I think. Or maybe they're facing antitrust lawsuits. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Author's Note
Have a list of all the OCs I abused and mangled while also taking completely out-of-character. All of them were probably harmed in the making of this story.
- BezierBallad - Venom Stinger*
- No Name 13 - Surn*
- SunnytheSavvy - Sunlight Glitter*
- Connect-the-Pie - Black Harbinger*
- NicLove - Flashtruth*
- Zapper Frost - Zapper Frost*
- Samuel Neocros - Slaughter: The Hollow Ghost*
- Possibly Me - badly drawn plant*
- Twilight Glimmer - Knit Wit*
- amf studios - Gypsy Moth*
- The Blue EM2 - Starry Night*
- Concordius Lord of Kaos - Terrus Stokkr*
- Heroic412227 - Odium**
- BiggerNate91 - Mastermare*
- Deep - Orange Picker*
- Reichtangle - Equestria Ball*
- BradyBunch - Firestorm*
- dshadow14 - Mystic Night*
- Light Heart101 - Book Knight*
- Thunderous - Thunder Clash*
