the perfect gift

by ducktective

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 6831

in which discord fights heteronormativity and threatens to eat filthy rich

With Spike absent due to his royal duties in Canterlot, Discord and Big Mac are left to their own devices. Discord just wants to find the perfect gift for Fluttershy, but such a task is easier said than done. For better or for worse, everypony seems to be full of not-so-perfect ideas about couples and gift-giving.

(established relationship: fluttercord)

Published 2020-09-29 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-29 21:50:02 UTC

the perfect gift

It was a quiet day on the outskirts of Ponyville. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for the town square. Since it was Sunday — also known as "O&O Day" by a rather peculiar trio — Spike was supposed to fly in from Canterlot, but he had been held back by his royal duties. With Spike absent, Big Mac and Discord were left to their own devices, and they quickly realized that they had very little to talk about. Or rather, Big Mac had very little to say, and Discord could only carry a one-sided conversation for so long.

"Aren't you upset that Spike can't make it? I mean, really, as the Royal Advisor to the Princess of Friendship, you'd think he'd know a thing or two about keeping his promises," Discord snarled.

"Eh."

"How can you not be upset? Are you really not even the teensiest , tiniest bit upset with Spike?"

"Nnnope."

"Well, fine then! I'm glad one of us is a perfect little angel who doesn't get upset with his friends!"

With a snap of Discord's fingers, a halo and a pair of angel wings floated around Big Mac to illustrate Discord's point.

Silence.

"So, what do you plan to do now that Spike can't make it for O&O Day?"

There was a long pause.

"Might surprise Sugar Belle."

"By interrupting her weekly luncheon?!? I don't think anypony would appreciate that!" Discord huffed, crossing his arms.

Big Mac shook his head.

"With a gift."

"Oh, what a perfectly obnoxious idea. How am I supposed to have any fun with you if you're shopping for Sugar Be —"

Before Discord could finish his thought, his head turned into a lightbulb.

"Oh! I could look for a gift for Fluttershy!" The draconequus' paw and claw balled into fists, which he shook in front of himself with excitement. "But, of course, my gift for Fluttershy will be better than any gift you would ever pick! None of that sappy mumbo jumbo."

Big Mac rolled his eyes.

In a flash, Discord had transformed into his Ogres & Oubliettes costume, riding a pig and thrusting a white dagger into the air.

"Now, let us be off!"

Several hours later, Big Mac and Discord were both empty-hoofed, empty-pawed, and empty-clawed, respectively. They had visited the marketplace, the joke shop, the quill and sofa shop, the jewelry store, the toy store, the tea shop, the china shop, AND the antique shop, but their search for the perfect gifts had been fruitless. They were running out of options, and Discord was growing irritable.

"Are we done yet? My feet hurt from all this walking. How do you earth ponies manage?"

"We're not done until I find a gift for Sugar Belle," Big Mac insisted.

"But what if we can't find a gift for Sugar Belle or, more importantly, for Fluttershy?!" Discord cried. "We've already visited nearly every shop in Ponyville!"

Big Mac scowled and then sighed in defeat.

"If only the bakery were open."

"Right. We can't go to Sugarcube Corner because both Mrs. Cake and Pinkie Pie are having lunch with Sugar Belle and Fluttershy. How terribly inconvenient."

"What about the fan shop?" Big Mac supplied.

Discord rolled his eyes.

"I think not." The draconequus paused in thought before excitedly slamming his clawed fist on the underside of his paw. This time, instead of his head turning into a lightbulb, his whole body began to glow. "I've got it! Why don't we visit the boutique?"

"The boutique?" Big Mac echoed, doubtful.

"Of course! What do we have to lose?"

"What do you mean, none of your clothes are tailored to fit a draconequus?! Now, that's just speciesist!"

"My apologies," Sassy Saddles offered, punctuating her apology with a nervous chuckle. "We've never considered a draconequus as a potential customer, especially since, well, you're the only draconequus around."

"Nonsense. Where is Rarity? I'd like to speak with the manager!"

After a snap, Discord was sporting a blonde wig with a bob cut that was shorter in the back than the front. To top it off, a pair of oversized sunglasses were perched at the end of his snout, and a loop scarf was hanging above his shoulders.

Both Big Mac and Sassy Saddles looked confused.

"I'm afraid Rarity won't be in town for a while," Sassy Saddles explained. "She's setting up her newest boutique in Yakyakistan, and I'm covering for her until she finds someone else to run the shop full-time."

"Oh, phooey," Discord sulked. "Well, when she gets back, tell her that I must have a word."

Sassy Saddles laughed nervously, unable to restrain herself from cringing.

"Uh, why are you looking for a dress? Aren't you shopping for Fluttershy?" Big Mac questioned.

"Why, of course! I'm looking for a dress to wear for Fluttershy!" Discord replied, extending his arms for dramatic effect.

Ignoring the confused stares from Big Mac and Sassy Saddles, the draconequus began to scan the boutique for a dress that suited his fancy.

"Aha!" Discord exclaimed after spotting a purple corset dress and a fluffy purple coat. The dress consisted of black lace and mauve satin, while the coat, a strikingly bright magenta, consisted entirely of glittery faux fur. Despite the fact that both articles of clothing were technically purple, neither of them matched whatsoever.

With another snap, the dress and coat suddenly disappeared from their hangers, stretched into Discord's size, and replaced the previous costume. A wide-brimmed purple hat also appeared out of nowhere and placed itself atop Discord's head — the cherry on top of a chaos sundae, adorned with white feathers that stuck out of a black satin band. Satisfied with his outfit, the draconequus sprawled out on the counter for dramatic effect, imitating a pose from a beauty magazine advertisement. His smile was bursting with confidence, but the others seemed appalled.

"See! If I return to the cottage wearing this , Fluttershy will be so delighted, she'll be at a loss for words! She'll forget how to do anything but swoon! What's a better gift than me , wrapped up in the perfect packaging?!"

"A loss for words is right," Big Mac huffed.

"Um, Discord…" Sassy Saddles began hesitantly, "I don't think Fluttershy would be delighted to see you in a dress. I don't think any mare would be delighted to see her, uh, boyfriend… in a dress."

"Nnnope," Big Mac agreed, remembering his unfortunate experience with Apple Bloom at the Sisterhooves Social.

Discord grimaced. In a flash, the hat was gone, the dress and coat were returned to their hangers, and the draconequus was back on his feet. Everything had reverted to normal.

"Bah. You're no fun."

Before Discord and Big Mac left the boutique, Sassy Saddles had suggested that they find the Cutie Mark Crusaders to ask them for advice. Those three little ponies were supposed to be watching over Lil' Mac, Lil' Cheese, Pumpkin Cake, and Pound Cake while their mothers were at Fluttershy's luncheon, but Discord supposed that it wouldn't be too much trouble to bother them about something else. It wasn't like Discord and Fluttershy had ever been burdened by watching the Crusaders when they were foals, so how hard could it be?

It took a lot of wandering around, but Discord and Big Mac eventually found the Cutie Mark Crusaders right back where they had started — the town square. The trio was fussing with Lil' Mac and Lil' Cheese, who were fighting over a toy spoon, to no avail. The spoon itself wasn't a toy, but it had been transformed into a toy with googly eyes, a pom-pom nose, and a marker-drawn smile. Applejack, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were all trying to explain the importance of sharing, but it didn't help when the two foals could only form a few words of their own.

The Cake twins were nowhere to be seen.

"Why, if it isn't the CMCs! What a lovely coincidence running into you three!" Discord sang as if he hadn't been searching for the trio for the past half hour.

"Uh, can't you see we're a little busy right now?" Scootaloo remarked.

"Besides," Apple Bloom added, "aren't you supposed to be playing some game with my brother?"

"Eyup," Big Mac confirmed.

"Spike couldn't make it, so we've come seeking your advice," Discord explained. It was a very unhelpful explanation.

"If you need advice on how to pass the time," Sweetie Belle began with a worried quaver in her voice, "I think helping us would be the best option."

"Oh, no, that's not the kind of advice I'm seeking," the draconequus dismissed. Without expressing a care in the world, he snapped his fingers.

In an instant, the toy spoon multiplied into an army of toy spoons, all of which began to fight each other. Lil' Mac and Lil' Cheese were very impressed, watching in amazement as the battle commenced before their eyes. The Cutie Mark Crusaders sighed in relief.

"Now that that's settled, I need your help. I'm looking for the perfect gift for my dear Fluttershy, but I haven't had any luck."

Big Mac cleared his throat.

"Right," Discord reluctantly added, "Big Mac is also looking for a gift for Sugar Belle."

"Have you tried the marketplace?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Or the toy store?" Scootaloo chimed in.

"What about the boutique?" Sweetie Belle added.

Discord crossed his arms and scowled.

"We've been to all of those places! We've practically visited every business in Ponyville!"

"Well, do you have any ideas in mind? For the perfect gift?" Scootaloo continued.

Big Mac shook his head as the Lord of Chaos faltered.

"Well… You see, ah… Not quite."

"Maybe that's your problem!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. "Before you start lookin' for the perfect gift, you've gotta start thinkin' about what the perfect gentlecolt would give the perfect mare!"

"But I —"

"That's right!" Sweetie Belle agreed. "Pretend you're the main character in a romantic play! What kind of gift would Romeo give his Juliet?"

"A tragic death, apparently," Discord mumbled.

Sweetie Belle scowled.

"Okay, a different play!" Scootaloo interjected. "Um, what's a good play?"

Discord rolled his eyes.

"This is getting nowhere. The best plays were the ones we put on when you three were little fillies, but none of those will help now."

"That's true," Scootaloo agreed. "Those were fun! They usually involved pirates and astronauts and other cool stuff!"

"But how are we gonna help Discord and Big Mac?" Sweetie Belle asked.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders paused in contemplation. Meanwhile, Lil' Mac and Lil' Cheese watched as an army of sentient spoons struggled to bend each other in half. The Cake twins were still nowhere to be seen.

Apple Bloom was the next to speak.

"If you don't have any better ideas, you should talk to a grown-up who's already married! Like Filthy Rich!"

"Filthy Rich?" Discord echoed with a curled lip. He had no interest in such prosaic individuals, regardless of marital status.

Scootaloo bounced a little in affirmation. "He owns a shop in town! Barnyard Bargains or something, right?"

Sweetie Belle nodded and grinned. "Filthy Rich is — well — rich, and his wife always seems very satisfied! I'm sure he knows exactly what the perfect gentlecolt should give the perfect mare!"

Discord began to fume, balling his paw and claw into fists while smoke puffed out of his nostrils.

"What if I'm not a gentlecolt at all?!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders blinked, visibly taken aback.

"Well, there's no sense in bein' rude! I'm sure Fluttershy wouldn't be very pleased if you went back to actin’ like a hooligan all the time!" Apple Bloom scoffed.

"Yeah, you're better than that," Scootaloo agreed.

"Every stallion can be a gentlecolt with a little effort! That's what Rarity always says!" Sweetie Belle added.

"Ugh, you're missing the point!" the draconequus growled, stretching his snout in front of himself like putty. When he let go, it snapped back into place with a dramatic sound. The Cutie Mark Crusaders winced.

"Thanks sooo much for the advice," Discord bit out through the clenched teeth of a forced smile. His sarcasm was palpable. "Good luck with the foal sitting!"

Big Mac offered an awkward smile of apology. Before the Cutie Mark Crusaders could think of anything to say, he and his companion disappeared into thin air, leaving behind an army of spoons. Lil’ Mac and Lil’ Cheese were still entertained, but it was never long before a new distraction found a way to spark another fight between them. All the Crusaders could do was hope that the tiny metal soldiers wouldn't cause any problems — that is, the caused-by-chaos-magic kind of problems that only Discord knew how to solve.

Following the Cutie Mark Crusaders' advice, Discord had teleported himself and Big Mac right outside the front door to Rich's Barnyard Bargains. Discord was reluctant to even give the place a second thought, but they were running out of options, and Big Mac was growing desperate. If the bargain store had nothing to offer, both Discord and Big Mac would have to return to their respective homes with no gift, and neither of the two were eager to accept that outcome.

"Welcome to Rich's Barnyard Bargains! Now, what brings you fine gentlecolts here?" Filthy Rich greeted, leaning over the counter.

"I'm looking for a gift for Sugar Belle," Big Mac replied.

"Oh, a gift for your wife? I believe I have just the thing!"

Before Big Mac could say a word, Filthy Rich had trotted off towards the kitchenware section. Big Mac watched him anxiously, eyes wide with anticipation. This was his last hope.

Discord rolled his eyes, partially jealous of the fact that his friend was married, unlike himself, and partially irritated with Filthy Rich's forced enthusiasm. He began to scan the shop for a gift for Fluttershy, but nothing caught his eye. All of these baubles were just mass-produced junk, nothing worthy of the pony who was his redeemer, his first friend, and his one-and-only true love. Fluttershy always deserved nothing but perfection, and this shoddy place was severely lacking in that.

"Here we are! The perfect gift for your pretty wife!" Filthy Rich announced, placing a boxed pair of plates on the counter. Big Mac peered over to look at them, expression brightening, while Discord feigned disinterest.

"What? They're just plates!" Discord scoffed.

"They're not just any plates! They're special matching plates for any couple!" Filthy Rich insisted.

Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, Discord extended his eyeballs, allowing them to slither onto the counter and get a closer look at the box. Filthy Rich scowled in disgust, but Discord couldn't see. His eyes were literally on the box, after all.

"What do you mean, 'for any couple'?!? These plates say 'his' and 'hers'!"

"I meant what I said! Those plates are the perfect gift for couples, especially married ones!" Filthy Rich boasted. "If you're interested in a set for you and Fluttershy, I have plenty more in stock!"

"They're not even close to perfect, and I'm not interested!" Discord cried. "What about Applejack and Rarity? What about Holiday and Lofty? What about Lyra and Bonbon? They're all mares !"

Filthy Rich began to sweat nervously.

"Well, that may be so, but I didn't think about that —"

"Didn't think about that?! Maybe you should think twice before you mass-produce a product and advertise it as a gift 'for any couple'! I swear, you business ponies have heads full of flies!"

"Discord!" Big Mac warned, but it was too late. The Lord of Chaos was already in the zone.

With a snap of his fingers, all of the plates from the kitchenware section escaped from their boxes and began to float around the store. The plates that read "his" began to pair with other plates that read "his", and the plates that read "hers" began to pair with other plates that read "hers". Next, the silverware started to float and menacingly dance around Filthy Rich. The business pony yelped and cowered behind the counter, afraid of what was going to happen next.

"Discord!!!" Big Mac yelled, stomping his hooves threateningly.

The draconequus let out a dramatic sigh.

"Fine."

With another snap, all of the plates and silverware lost their ability to float, crashing on the floor in a heap of shattered ceramic.

"My plates!" Filthy Rich cried, weeping over the broken shards at his hooves.

"Boo hoo," Discord muttered sarcastically. "It's not like they were going to sell, anyway."

Big Mac waited for Discord to leave before he said anything. The door slammed shut behind the Lord of Chaos, and Filthy Rich winced. In the back of the shop, there was a loud crashing sound, but both ponies were too afraid to look for the source.

"I'm real sorry about that," Big Mac apologized. "Discord can be a pain in the flank sometimes."

"That… thing … is not welcome in my shop again," Filthy Rich spat. As soon as the words left his mouth, he trembled, afraid that the ancient being was secretly listening in on the conversation.

Big Mac chuckled nervously.

"Well, I can't promise he won't show up on his own, but I can buy the last set of plates off o' ya."

"Deal."

When Big Mac left the bargain shop to catch up with Discord, he had expected to find the draconequus sulking on his own. Instead, he found the Lord of Chaos rambling to the Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake, who were sitting beneath an apple tree on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres. The two were supposed to be under the Cutie Mark Crusaders' supervision, but they had clearly wandered away at some point. Big Mac remembered how overwhelmed the Crusaders had been in the town square, struggling to break up a fight between the two little foals, so it was hardly surprising.

Upon closer inspection, the Cake twins were hardly listening to Discord. They seemed to be preoccupied with writing a recipe book, and whatever Discord was rambling about was going right over their head. Big Mac sighed.

"See, I don't understand why talking apples and singing ginseng can't be romantic! Who's to decide what's romantic and what's not? Certainly not Romeo and Juliet, and certainly not Filthy Rich!"

The Cake twins offered no response. Behind them, apples began to fall from the tree, and as they fell, they grew eyes and mouths and tiny limbs. Somehow, they mostly managed to land on their feet, and they immediately wandered off to yell at ponies in the town square. No one noticed.

"You of all ponies should know what I'm talking about! You're writing a holiday recipe book to replace the one that your parents use, and this book of yours will be filled with all kinds of new dessert recipes, much better than the old ones! Why can't we do the same thing for romance?"

That seemed to catch the twins' attention.

"Uh, we're not trying to replace any old recipe books," Pound Cake explained.

"Yeah, we just thought it'd be a good idea to write our own recipes down. That way, when the holidays come around, people can enjoy our new desserts along with the old ones that our parents always make," Pumpkin Cake elaborated.

Discord crossed his arms and huffed.

"But don't you think the new ones are better ?"

"Not really," Pound Cake chuckled. "We love our parents' desserts, but it gets boring having them all the time. That's why we came up with our own recipes, and that's why we're writing them down."

"But what if no one else likes them because they're so different?!" Discord cried, growing increasingly frustrated.

"Well, we'd just keep the recipe book to ourselves, I guess. But the Apple family has already tried some of our desserts, and they really like them. There are always folks willing to try something new."

"But what if Fluttershy doesn't want anything new? What if she only wants sappy poems in underbaked pies and matching plates that say 'his' and 'hers'? What if she wants to be with a normal stallion who looks and acts and dresses like every old stallion in town?"

"What?"

"Nevermind! I don't have time for this!"

With that, Discord prepared to take off. He was about to snap his fingers and teleport when he spotted Big Mac in the distance. Big Mac gulped when Discord began to fly his way, aiming for his location like a bullet from a sniper raffle.

"Big McIntosh! Don't you know that it's rude to eavesdrop?"

"Eyup. My bad."

"Really, the nerve of everypony today. I can't believe you actually bought that hideous set of plates."

Big Mac snorted.

"Sugar Belle will like it. I think."

The draconequus prepared to snap back, but before he could think of a witty response, his expression wilted, and his ears began to droop.

"Right, and I have nothing to offer Fluttershy," Discord moped, hanging his head.

"Well," Big Mac sighed, "I'm no good at advice, but… try to think of what she'd like. Not any ol’ mare. Just her."

Frustrated, Discord waved his paw and claw in the air.

"I've already tried that! One time, I gave all of the animals in her sanctuary the ability to speak Ponish, but nopony seemed to appreciate that! I don't think she'd be very happy if I gave her another dangerous beast to tame, either. I learned my lesson when I tried that with those ridiculous cretins frozen in stone!"

Big Mac sighed.

"Listen, Discord. I don't know Fluttershy that well. Maybe you should talk to her."

Discord brightened at those words.

"Right! I'll just ask her what she'd like as a gift! That way, it'll definitely be perfect!"

Big Mac chuckled awkwardly. That wasn't what he'd had in mind, but maybe it would work. Applejack always preached honesty and communication, so Discord had to be on the right track.

"Right. Should head back to the farm, then. Don't wanna keep Sugar Belle waiting."

"Of course not! Farewell, mi amigo ! Until next week!"

"We truly appreciate you opening your cottage to us, Fluttershy," Sugar Belle spoke, stirring her tea with the magic from her horn.

"Oh, yes, these Sunday luncheons are a blessing for an old mare like me," Mrs. Cake agreed. "It's so sweet of those Cutie Mark Crusaders to foal sit for us, and it's just as sweet of you to have us over every week."

"It's no problem at all," Fluttershy responded with a genuine smile. "I used to have Discord over for tea every Tuesday, but ever since he's moved in, I miss being a host."

"I bet living with Discord is like having a party every day! A party for two!" Pinkie Pie cheered. Somewhere in the room, a party canon went off, scaring Angel Bunny.

Fluttershy giggled.

"Something like that."

"But really, raising two young ponies is hardly a piece of cake!" Mrs. Cake sighed in exasperation. "I know it's already getting late, but I can't thank you enough for the break."

"It's not so bad!" Pinkie Pie insisted, "I just come for the food and the company!"

Mrs. Cake chuckled darkly and took a sip of her tea.

"Just wait until they get older."

Sugar Belle gulped.

"Lil' Mac is already so much to handle. Do you think Big Mac and I will be able to manage it?"

"I'm sure you'll be fine! Besides, you'll always have the rest of the Apple family to help out, myself included!" Pinkie Pie reassured before shoving the last few pastries in her mouth.

Those words seemed to make Sugar Belle visibly relax, and she offered a smile of relief.

"Thanks, Pinkie. It's nice knowing that I always have family to count on."

"That reminds me," Mrs. Cake began, "Fluttershy, dear, you and your, uh… Discord… don't plan on having… um… you know? Do you?"

"Foals?" Fluttershy asked. "Oh, no. I don't even know if that would be possible . Besides, the whole concept of getting married and having foals is probably way too normal for Discord."

Mrs. Cake seconded that with an awkward laugh.

"He's certainly an odd one."

Fluttershy made a noise of agreement.

"Yes, he really is."

Unbeknownst to Discord, who had been watching from behind the kitchen doorway and eavesdropping on the whole conversation, Fluttershy was beaming with endearment when she agreed with Mrs. Cake. From Discord's perspective, he could only see the back of her chair, while the other three ponies were all sitting across from her. In Discord's imagination, Fluttershy's face was filled with disappointment when she spoke those last four words. Unfortunately for the draconequus, his imagination was a very powerful thing, and he began to panic.

What if she doesn't like me anymore? What if she finally realized that I'm too weird for anypony? What if moving in was a huge mistake?

By the time Discord was calm enough to return his attention to the luncheon, the conversation had taken an even stranger turn.

"I'm just saying," Mrs. Cake continued. "I'm — We're a little worried about you. Most mares your age have already settled down with a stallion, or another mare, I suppose. Even if you don't want foals, you have to start taking your future seriously."

Noticing the awkward tension in the room, Angel Bunny hopped out the window.

Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Oh, but I am taking my future seriously. I don't know why you'd think there's any reason for concern."

"Well, it's just —"

"I'm not worried!" Pinkie blurted. "Why should we be worried?"

Sugar Belle set her teacup on the table.

"Like you said, Mrs. Cake, it's getting late. Even if Big Mac won't be home for a while, I should make it back in time to help with dinner."

"Oh, sweetness! I forgot about the time!" Mrs. Cake gasped.

"Me too! I was having so much fun, I lost track, but we shouldn't keep the CMCs waiting!" Pinkie agreed.

As soon as Fluttershy stood to show the other ponies out, Discord started panicking again. Thanks to his magic, he was able to pace around the kitchen without being heard, but even his magic wasn't powerful enough to clear his mind. Had he been thinking straight, he would've teleported himself outside, but he was too preoccupied for the thought to even cross his mind.

The sound of the front door closing alerted Discord to the fact that the other ponies were gone. He could hear Fluttershy humming and collecting the dirty plates, but he was unable to do anything to prevent her from walking in on him, standing in the middle of the kitchen when he was supposed to be finishing his Sunday game of Ogres and Oubliettes. It was as if his entire body had been turned to stone once again.

Before the draconequus could regain his composure, Fluttershy was standing in the kitchen doorway, staring right into his eyes.

"Discord? I thought you'd still be with Spike and Big Mac!"

"I-I… Well, you see…" Discord began to explain. "Spike was held back in Canterlot — you know, royal duties and all — so Big Mac and I hit the town on a shopping spree! But, uh, we ran out of places to go, so I came here."

Discord could feel himself sweating all over.

"I just got back, of course!"

To Discord's surprise, Fluttershy dropped the dishes in the sink and tackled him with a hug.

"I'm glad you're back early. It's only been a few hours, but I missed you."

Discord softened, but his mind was still in panic mode, nonetheless.

Does she feel guilty? Is that why she's being so affectionate? I didn't even bring home a gift, so what could I do to deserve this?

"I missed you too, Flutters," Discord spoke earnestly. Regardless of her intentions, he couldn't resist the urge to lean into her hug, curling his long neck around her head and basking in the warmth of her tiny body.

As soon as she pulled away, he felt empty.

"Here, let me help with the dishes," Discord offered, looking for something to distract himself. Of course, he could just snap his fingers and make them clean, but that would've defeated the purpose.

The former Element of Kindness simply nodded.

"How was Big Mac today?"

"Oh, hardly any different than usual. He was a bit more chatty today, but that's probably my fault."

Fluttershy giggled. "I hope you didn't get him into too much trouble."

"Just the usual amount, my dear," Discord reassured her. He wasn't lying. The usual amount for the Lord of Chaos was simply much greater than the usual amount for the average pony.

The draconequus stifled a sigh of relief. The feeling of sudsy soap water on his paw and claw was calming somehow, and he enjoyed the repetitive motion of running the dishcloth over the surface of each plate. In fact, he realized that he could keep washing the same plate all afternoon and be content, just moving his paw in circles, over and over and over.

Maybe everything will be alright. Maybe Fluttershy isn't disappointed in me. Maybe Fluttershy doesn't care about those stupid matching couples’ plates, and maybe she'd appreciate me in a dress just as much as I appreciate me in a dress! Maybe she doesn't care whether I act like a mare or a stallion, or whether or not I'm able to figure out what she likes without asking, or whether or not I want to have kids —

Before Discord could realize what was happening, the plate fell from his claw and shattered on the floor, shattering his train of thought in the process.

"Ew, butterfingers! How careless of me!" Discord scoffed at himself, laughing it off as though nothing was wrong. He snapped his fingers, and the plate was back in one piece, clean as a whistle, and neatly leaning against the other plates in the drying rack.

Fluttershy, however, was not so convinced.

“Is everything alright?”

Discord froze once again. He tried to respond, but it all came out in a jumbled stammer.

“Wh-Why, yes. Why wouldn’t everything be alright?”

Unfortunately for the draconequus, he could tell that Fluttershy was still quite concerned.

“I’m the Lord of Chaos, and the kindest pony in all of Equestria is by my side, doing dishes with me ! Our dishes ! What could possibly be wrong?”

Fluttershy sighed, wiping off the last dirty dish and setting it in the drying rack before she spoke.

“It seems like something is troubling you. I know you, and I know when something is wrong. Please, talk to me, Discord.”

This time, Discord was the one who sighed. There was no sense in hiding. Fluttershy understood him better than anyone could possibly dream of understanding him. She could read him like an open book. Discord only wished that he could understand her in the same way — wished that he knew what gifts she liked and what she wanted in a partner and what would make her happy. Everything in her life deserved to be perfect, yet the draconequus, despite his puffed-up ego and all of his boasting, was always falling short.

“Does it bother you?”

Fluttershy blinked in confusion.

“Huh?”

“The fact that I’m neither a stallion nor a mare — does it bother you?”

To Discord’s relief, Fluttershy smiled. She looked like she was resisting the urge to giggle, knowing that she might come off as insensitive if she laughed at his concerns. She was the kind of pony who always worried about those little things, even when they didn’t cross anyone else’s mind.

“Of course not, silly. A lot of ponies might think it’s strange that I’m in a relationship with a draconequus, but it doesn’t matter to me. I like you because you’re not like anypony else. You’re Discord , and I… I love that about you. You know that.”

Discord wilted. Fluttershy’s eyes widened in surprise, and she ducked her head in embarrassment.

“Ah, I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?”

Discord waved his hands in a flustered dismissal.

“No, no, of course not! I appreciate every word, truly. That’s just, ah…”

Suddenly, Discord shrunk to the size of Angel Bunny, and his voice became tinny and shrill to match.

“That’s not quite what I meant.”

“Oh?”

Fluttershy paused, trying to absorb what he was saying. Her animal care instincts took over, scooping the tiny Discord onto her hoof and carrying him into the living room. He wobbled a little, surprised at the sudden movement, but he smiled back at her when she offered him a comforting look.

“Um, what did you mean then?” Fluttershy asked, settling down into the couch cushions and setting the tiny Discord beside her.

“Well,” Discord began, returning to his normal size. Fluttershy let out a little gasp in surprise and chuckled as he curled around the back of the couch. They were eye-to-eye that way, just how the both of them liked it.

“You know how Pinkie Pie is a mare, and she’s married to Cheese Sandwich, who’s a stallion? And how the same goes for Sugar Belle and Big Mac, and Mrs. Cake and Mr. Cake, and so on and so forth?”

Fluttershy nodded along.

“Well, unlike a certain Filthy Rich ,” Discord snarled pointedly, “I’m not stupid enough to think that those are the only kind of pony couple. There are plenty of couples like Lyra and Bonbon, and Holiday and Lofty, and Applejack and Rarity -- a mare and another mare. And I’m sure there are couples with two stallions, too. I just haven’t met any, personally.”

“Me neither, actually,” Fluttershy commented, continuing to nod along.

“Well,” Discord continued, clearing his throat. “I simply can’t relate to mares or stallions like everypony else! Maybe it’s because I’m not a pony, or maybe it’s because I’m just too chaotic to understand all the silly rules that mares and stallions always seem to follow, but I’m tired of being expected to act like a stallion just because I’m the draconequus equivalent!”

Discord paused again.

“But… If I’m neither, you know, well… Doesn’t that make our relationship kind of odd?”

This time, Fluttershy couldn’t help but giggle a little. It was quiet — barely audible, even — but it was there. Somehow, the sound brought peace to Discord’s troubled heart.

“Of course our relationship is odd. I guess I never thought about it like that, though. I assumed that it was a natural part of being a creature of chaos." Fluttershy laughed. "You could say that we’re one of a kind.”

“It really doesn’t bother you at all?”

Fluttershy shook her head and offered a smile. It was a smile that was warm enough to end wars, to heal wounded souls, to tame the fiercest of beasts. It melted Discord’s stony heart.

“Not one bit,” she responded sweetly. “If you were a pony, it wouldn’t matter to me if you were a mare or a stallion or anything in-between. Other ponies might not be able to understand us or compare our relationship to normal pony relationships, but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest."

Fluttershy paused, suddenly reverting to her self-conscious mindset.

“It doesn’t bother you, does it? That I’m so… well, normal?”

It was Discord’s turn to laugh, and when he did, he laughed loudly and obnoxiously. It was Discord's laughter, after all, so of course it was just like him. Fluttershy loved it.

“You’re far from normal, my dear. I believe normal ponies wouldn't be able to put up with my chaos for more than a day." His eyelashes fluttered. "Thank you for always being so open-minded. Your kind heart is a treasure.”

To illustrate, Discord snapped his fingers and procured a treasure box on the underside of his paw. As the treasure box began to levitate and glow, the lid opened, revealing a cartoon heart inside. When Discord closed his palm, the treasure box and the heart disappeared.

Ducking her head in embarrassment, Fluttershy blushed.

“You’re so sappy today, Discord.”

“Only for you, my dearest Fluttershy.”

The draconequus curled around the keeper of his affections, wrapping her in a unique sort of embrace. She nestled into it, nuzzling her head against the curve of his neck. He let out a noise that was some sort of cross between a hum and a purr.

“Oh, I just remembered,” Discord mumbled, “does that mean it’s fine if we don’t have any kids?”

Fluttershy cocked her head in confusion.

“Kids? But we already have a couple baby goats staying at the animal sanctuary?”

Rolling his eyes at his own mistake, Discord chuckled.

“Foals, I mean. Like Mac and Cheese or whatever those little brats are called.”

There was a long pause.

“Discord, were you eavesdropping in the kitchen?”

Wriggling in embarrassment, the draconequus began to laugh nervously.

“Now, why would you think that?”

“Discooord...”

“It was only for a little while! I couldn’t help it!”

The former Element of Kindness sighed in exasperation, but she was still smiling.

“I’m sure you already heard me say this,” Fluttershy drawled in a teasing voice, “but I don’t even think it’d be possible for us to have foals. Besides, if we really wanted them, we could always adopt.”

The draconequus hummed in excitement, and his tail began to wag.

“I never thought of that! That’s a wonderful possibility!” Discord exclaimed, rolling thoughts of adoption around in his head like dice. “I do miss having the CMCs around. They were so precious as foals.”

Fluttershy nodded. “They were. We should invite them over again sometime, even if they’re older now.”

Discord responded with a small noise of agreement. Maybe their advice always tended to be sour when it had nothing to do with Cutie Marks, but they were still an adorable bunch. He would always have a soft spot for their headstrong, stubborn hearts.

After a comfortable stretch of silence, Fluttershy raised her head and began to speak.

“Discord? Would it be… ah, would it be rude of me to ask how you feel about marriage?”

Heart skipping a beat, the draconequus’ eyes shot open. He had been friends with Fluttershy for years, and she was the first creature he had ever lived with, but he hadn’t expected her to be so bold. He tried to play it cool, snorting and flicking his tail, but he couldn’t hide the ecstatic flap of his ears. Perhaps marriage was the one gift she truly wanted from him. If so, he would do everything in his power to make it the best gift of her life.

“I think it’s a ridiculous arrangement full of ridiculous traditions that don’t make any sense,” Discord began, “but I must admit, if a certain pony were to ask me, I would have no choice but to offer her the most exquisite marriage anypony could ever imagine.”

“Oh, Discord,” Fluttershy cooed.

“Oh, and I absolutely will not be wearing a black suit. Really, whose idea was that? It’s so boring. If I must wear a suit, it has to be a fun color! Like orange! Or purple! Or, maybe, purple and orange! Now, that sounds exquisite!”

Discord realized his overconfident mistake and coughed, choking on his own words.

“Would, I mean!”

The future bride giggled.

“I’ll keep that in mind. I happen to know a certain seamstress who could turn any fashion dream into a reality. And I do hope you wouldn’t mind if the ringbearer happened to be a bunny instead of a pony.”

As much as Discord couldn’t stand that demonic bunny, he was too overjoyed with the prospect to argue. Fortunately for the both of them, Angel Bunny wasn't around to protest, either.

“Anything for you, Fluttershy.”

Sighing contentedly, Fluttershy leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the draconequus’ cheek. For the second time, his eyes shot open. This time, he made no effort to hide his excitement — tail wagging, ears flapping, and eyes full of stars.

“I like you so, so much, Discord.”

Discord nuzzled his head against Fluttershy’s, wrapping his tail around her a little tighter.

“I love you, too.”

As a certain pony and a certain draconequus slept the rest of the afternoon away, curled in each other's embrace, a certain business establishment owned by a certain Filthy Rich was overtaken by two fighting armies. One consisted of apples, and the other consisted of spoons. Onlookers would swear that the armies were reenacting a scene from Shakespeare's “Romeo and Juliet”. When the Equestria Daily later reported the incident as a "provoking display of tragic romance," the Lord of Chaos' laughter was so loud, it could be heard from every house in Ponyville.

For all their bragging, some ponies were terrible at learning lessons.

Author's Note

guess who made an account just to post this fic?

my fluttercord playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/64H5bWBrmVD791fSmbArQu?si=atu1GQ8zTCuYhmiFoHc8sw