Featherweight and Shady Daze Save Equestria

by Alaxsxaq

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2305

Two unlikely heros must team up with the Elements of Hamrony and save Equestria.

Featherweight and Shady Daze are two typical pony bachelors. They spend time partying and watching TV, among other…activities. But one day the entire Kingdom is threatened, and the two stallions find themselves an invaluable aid to the mane 6 as they save Equestria…again, only this time, they have to deal with two troublesome colts.

Takes place when the fillies and colts have grown into young adults.

A pony take on the "coming-of-age" comedy movie, and rated mature for excessive and somewhat unnecessary profanity, and sexual themes.

Some of you may be offended, but hopefully most of you laugh.

I know my description is terrible

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-31 04:04:01 UTC

Chapter 1 - In the Basement? Really?

Chapter 1 – In the basement? Really?

Throughout the ages the annals of Equestrian history have echoed fervently with the names of great heroes and champions, sacrificing their own lives to protect the ponies they hold dear. Such brave stallions and mares rightfully earn a place in the epics written within great tomes. But none have endured evil and hauled the battered realm of Equestria from the gaping maws of chaos and darkness, death and destruction, quite like six mares, bearers of artifacts crafted within mighty divine forges back in the eons when time had no meaning.

Such responsibility entrusted to these six was not unfounded, and the friendship that binds them together strengthens the raw power emanating from this union; the Power of Harmony.

But harmony is not all-powerful, and in the worst times the bonds we possess will need some help. Some evils require additional light to be banished back to the foul recesses whence they crawled forth. And when that evil indeed comes, the Elements of Harmony will need a little help from new heroes, eager to join the immortal pantheon of great ponies.

Nopony would figure, however, that these new “saviors” turned out to be two jerk-offs from Ponyville.

Closing time. Perfect environment for Featherweight to finish mopping the floor. Over the course of one day, dozens of hooves would filthy and scuff it up. One time a pony ACTUALLY managed to break the linoleum tile. How does somepony do that? AND, to top it all off, the manager, an earth-pony named Mr. Kathiawari, deducted the cost of replacing the tile from his salary.

Featherweight always took care to mop and sweep whenever necessary, as a way to divide up the work. After the floor was done, the gangly pegasus took inventory, holding a clipboard as he hovered through the aisles.

“Alright, let’s see…cheese puffs…potato chips…red bronco energy drink…pretzels…everything seems to be in order…”

Checking off all the items for aisle 5, he moved onto aisle 6. After a tedious fifteen minutes had passed, Featherweight walked towards the break room and placed his apron on the coatrack. Before he left, though, he decided to grab a bottle of Applejack Daniel’s for his roommate.

He placed the money in the register, but unfortunate caught the attention of Mr. Kathiawari, who was also getting ready to leave.

“Hey! You know da rules! Employees pay 150% price for all store purchases!” Featherweight had grown to associate his boss’s thick accent with his dickish behavior.

“Come on, man. Shady only stole once. And it was a pack of gum.”

“I don’t care. I need to teach you thugees do not take my property! Now, put 10 more bits into the register.”

Begrudgingly, the young light tan stallion placed the demanded money into the machine. He muttered under his breath. “Asshole…”

Just as he was about to leave, Mr. Kathiawari stopped him by jumping in front of the automatic doors.

“Where do you tink you are going?”

“Home. We’re closed.” Featherweight didn’t want to deal with his boss’s bullshit right now.

“No you are not! Look at dis floor! It is filthy!”

The pegasus examined the tiled floor and finally concluded otherwise. “Um no…I just mopped it.”

The brown earth-stallion just gave a smug smile, the kind that Featherweight just wanted to beat of his face. “Then how come I can see dirt on MY FLOOR! Obviously I pay you too much.”

“Dude there’s no dirt!” Try as he might, the store employee could not find any grime.

“Well…oops!” Kathiawari kicked the mop bucket Featherweight was going to dump outside. The contents spilled all across the floor, covering the once clean surface in filth from the whole day. The water even soaked some of the Playpony magazines kept on low shelves, magazines the proprietor was too cheap to encase in cellophane. “Der is now.” A hint of taunting permeated form his voice, trying its very best to break down Featherweight’s barrier or tolerance.

“Dat’ll teach you to steal from my store. Clean up dis mess! And I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow!”

“…What! Tomorrow is my day off!” He was beginning to crack…

“Not anymore. Good night.”

And with that Mr. Kathiawari left the store, leaving a fucking pissed pegasus to clean up the mess one big douche had just made. Featherweight knew his “good night” was a mere formality. As soon as the brown pony was out of earshot, he unleashed his rage.

“You FUCKING DICK!” He bucked a random hanger over, spilling hundreds of stupid “Greetings to Ponyville” postcards onto the wet floor. “Oh come on…”

After an hour of mopping the floor, going around and drying off all the soaked merchandise, and Finally dumping that damn mop bucket, Featherweight proceeded towards the door. But right before he exited, the pegasus got a devilish idea.

He went inside Kathiawari’s office and took the coffee mug from the desk. He then rubbed his scrotum along the lip of the mug, and placed it back. The prank was childish and ultimately minor, but satisfying nonetheless.

Finally Featherweight walked outside, locking the store behind him. Hopefully things would be better at home, he thought. Flying upwards, the young stallion headed towards his humble abode, where maybe his best friend had a better day.

Not five minutes later Featherweight was at his doorstep. The home was a modest house, one story with a basement. The two occupants paid the rent and invited friends every now and then. It wasn’t anything special, but it was home.

Taking his keys in his mouth, Featherweight unlocked the front door and opened it, revealing an empty living room. All the lights were on, the TV was on. Bags of cheese puffs and soda cans piled up on the coffee table. He placed the bottle of whiskey on the table. “Well it’s like I left it…more or less…, but where’s Shady? Shade! Shade!” He called out for his roommate, but no answer.

As he made his way towards his room, located in the basement. Along the way though, Featherweight spotted a trail of clothes leading towards the stairs.

“What the…who was wearing clothes, and…wait! These aren’t stallions’ clothes.”

He slowly made his way to the staircase, and saw the trail continue. He knew he would regret doing this, but the pegasus hovered down the steps, uncertain as to what was lurking inside his house.

At the bottom was his the door to his room, a rather large accommodation, big enough for at least five ponies to comfortably be in. The door was cracked and between the door and the frame giggling crept through. “A filly? What’s a filly doing in my room?” A deeper voice was heard, as well as a nasally voice Featherweight instantly recognized as one belonging to his friend Shady Daze.

Reluctantly he opened the door. Knowing Shade, this couldn’t’ be good.

Before the tan pegasus’ eyes was a sight he had never seen before. He was speechless, standing still, wings erect. Right in his room was a large stallion and the hottest, most curvaceous mare he had ever seen…having sex.

In front of them was a video camera mounted on a tripod, ponied by a light greyish-blue stallion with a dark blue mane. He noticed somepony come into the room. “Oh hey man! How was work?” He said as if the fornications currently happening in the room weren’t there.

Featherweight snapped himself out of shock. “M…m…my room…why are you doing this in my room! Why on my couch??”

“Oh yeah about that. Well the first two scenes we did on the rug but well it got sorta stained you know. We needed the couch. It’s cushiony” He never looked from his camera.

“What?? My fucking rug! You soiled my fucking rug!!”

“Nah dude it’s cool. I got a coupon to the laundromat. 20% off.”

“That’s not the po…wait! You’re shooting a porno on your day off!?” Featherweight had come home to some odd things; a party with nothing but mares and Shady, an experiment to see if he could float in a tub filled with chocolate pudding, even a Rainbow Dash Fan Club meeting. But never did the Pegasus anticipate him coming home to find a pornographic film being shot in his own room!

Shady sounded as eager as ever to explain. “Yeah! Do you realize how much money we can get? Lonely, horny stallions will eat up our movies! ‘Shady Daze and Featherweight Pictures’!”

“No! I do not want to be associated with this…smut! Fuck man! Couldn’t you have shot it somewhere else? Why my fucking room??”

“The script clearly called for a basement scene. Location is like 40% of movie appeal, or something…”

“What script?”

“The one I fucking wrote dude. See?” Shade gave Feather a stapled stack of papers with an admittedly catchy title. Shady had found his calling in writing, as evident by his quill-and-parchment cutie mark. Featherweight only wished his best friend would apply his talents to more wholesome enterprises.

The Pegasus looked through the script, and found more than two characters. “Alright, man. Fucking shoot your damn movie. Better fucking clean up my couch! Where are the other actors anyway?”

“Uh I think they’re in the bathroom. Gotta get cleaned up, you know? And don’t worry. Tomorrow your couch will be spotless dude.” The scene had finished, leaving yet more mess to be cleaned up. “I got another coupon for the steam cleaners.”

Later upstairs the cast were enjoying refreshments, courtesy of shade, and discussing their roles and careers. Featherweight couldn’t help but look at the mares present. The one he saw earlier still caught his eye, with her pristine white coat and beautifully groomed feathers, he blond mane. And her flank was perhaps the most luscious he had ever seen. He leaned towards Shade, who was sitting down splicing the film.

“Dude, who’s the white mare? She’s hot.” Featherweight had calmed down, and was now trying to enjoy the “after party”.

“Oh her? Her name’s Hail. Fucking natural, man. Not shy at all. Hehe not at all.”

“H…Hail…as in Snowflake’s…” He gulped audibly. “…sister?”

“Really? The same Hail? I had no idea. How about that? Small world, eh?”

Featherweight grabbed Shade by the shoulders. “What the fuck man! Who told you it was a good idea to cast Snowflake’s sister in a fucking porno??”

“Relax, dude. She’s her own mare. Besides, I here Snowflake is pretty cool.”

“I bet he is, when you’re not fucking prostituting his sister!”

Shady felt as if his mother had been insulted. “Hey man! Pornography is fucking ART. Prostitution is just another name for drug abuse.” A crossed his forelegs, as if some important point had been made.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I guess you wouldn’t understand, being outside the guild and all. But that’s ok.”

Featherweight face-hooved.

Shade glanced at the clock. “Oh would you look at the time! We gotta meet the guys in fifteen minutes!”

“Oh man I forgot about that!”

Shady Daze called out towards the room’s occupants. “Alright everypony! Great shoot. It was a real pleasure working with you all. Don’t forget about the premier tomorrow night. Hope to see you all there. Good night.”

Featherweight leaned toward Shady. “Premier?”

“Yeah! I got us a midnight showing at the porno theater on fifth.”

The actors and actresses left the home one by one. They exchanged farewells with their writer, director, and producer. Shady Nudged a large red stallion, one of the earlier actors. “You’re pretty good. I got some other stuff I think you’ll do great in.”

His response was quick and concise: “Eyup.”

Last to exit was Hail. She stood next to Featherweight. “Hey.” Her soothing, seductive voice made him melt. “How about we meet up for some ‘quality time’?” She gave wink and left through the door, her hindquarters purposefully swaying.

Featherweight could only produce a weak “uh huh!” As he watched her leave, he bit his lower lip. “Damn, dat plot.”

His trance was interrupted by Shady as he closed the door. “Fuck yeah dude! You got a taker! I’ll give you her number and stuff.”

“No thanks, man. You remember; I’m...in a relationship.” Featherweight couldn’t even fool himself.

“Pfftt…sure.”

“Fuck you. Anyway we gotta move if we’re gonna make it to the bar.”

“But we’ll never make it on foot. We gotta fly!” Shade eyed his friend’s wings.

“You can’t fly.”

“I know. Which is why you’ll have to carry me.”

Now, Featherweight was just that, and his gaunt build was unsuited to carrying his own weight, let alone that of another stallion. It was a miracle he could fly as well as he did. “I can’t do that, dude, at least not for very long.”

“You’re right. Hmmm.” Shady Daze stroked his chin with a hoof as he thought. “I got it!”

A minute later he produced some roped and a scooter from the garage. He proceeded outside, followed by his winged friend.

“Why do you have that? You gonna scooter?”

“Not quite. Here! Climb on my shoulders!” Featherweight got on top of his roommate’s shoulders, hovering as he sat. Shade tied the rope around his chest and Feather’s hind legs. “There! Now I’ll get on the scooter and you’ll propel us forward. We’ll be at the bar in no time! We’ve only got fucking ten minutes man!”

Featherweight revved up his wings as Shade mounted the scooter. Adrenaline rushed through the earth-pony’s veins. His eyes narrowed, glaring at the street.

The pegasus-turned-engine nervously awaited the go signal. He glanced down at Shade. “Are you sure this will work?”

“I have no fucking idea! Now go!” Featherweight’s wings went full throttle, pushing the abominable construction forward, headlong into an unsuspecting nighttime Ponyville.