DISCORDIA: Or How I Learned To Love The Chaos

Chapters

Goodbye Earth, Hellooooooo Hell Hole!
Re-education (Through Chaos)
I Curse The Name, The One Behind It All...!

Goodbye Earth, Hellooooooo Hell Hole!

Chapter One: Goodbye Earth, Hellooooooo Hell Hole!

“Carry the one... annnnd...”

The sigh of relief that echoed about the room as Adam Glocke slumped in his chair was loud enough that it sounded more like the wind outside then a sound from a normal guy finishing his taxes. “Oh thank Celestia the numbers balanced out.” Adam mutters, rubbing his face with his left hand, his right arm tucked out of the way as he stretched his leg and shook his hand out a bit.

It was another quiet night at Wisconsin State University, home of the Badgers, Badger Football, Badger Hockey, Badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom mushroooooooom...

Adam shook his head and chuckled lightly, his hand running through his nondescript hair as he pushed himself out of his chair and yawned, smacking his lips lightly as he looked around his dorm room.

It really wasn't that bad, the more he considered it. Sure, he lost his hand, and yeah, the military screwed him over but at least he was alive. At least he didn't die. He could keep going. College was a drag but he was learning something and he had enough credits from his military training to shorten a four year degree into a two-year, skipping most, if not all, of the boring classes. At twenty years old, any time to screw off and not do -anything- was highly appreciated.

Of course, that time tonight had been taken up by the one thing in life that is guaranteed besides death: Taxes. He shuttered and stuck out his tongue. He was great at math, but taxes were -boring-. Who actually -wants- to do taxes? He pauses on that thought as he makes his way towards the bathroom, considering it for a moment before shrugging as he pulls off his teeshirt and tosses it aside.

Someone out there possibly took pleasure from taxes, but whoever they were probably benefited from them more then they had to do them. And probably wouldn't help him with his shower.

On a whim, the half-nude college man grabbed his laptop as he made his way into the bathroom. He couldn't really game anymore, on account of his missing hand, but he could still surf the web and write, and better yet, he found something new on the suggestion of his little, if only by a minute or two, sister.

Growing up sucked, so why grow up? Especially when it came to a good cartoon. Adam had been introduced to My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic like most bronies were: Cold Turkey, totally unsure of what to expect, beyond that it was by Lauren Faust.

It happens when you spent most of a year in a hospital.

But it was the weekend, it was relaxation time, he was positive he could set up his shower to convert to a bath, and he had just finished his taxes.

It was pony time.

And better yet, it was the start of the second season!

He had been waiting for this for a while, ever since he discovered that the villain of the opener, one Discord, was voice acted by Q! Q! Q was amazing. He never really knew the full scope of -how- amazing Q is, mostly because he preferred cartoons over live-action and got into Star Trek -really- late, and preferred Voyager over The Next Generation, but he still knew who Q was and knew that if this Discord... thing, was as snarky, smarmy, and out of control as Q could be and usually was, then this was going to be a great way to open up the season.

Adam hummed lightly to himself as he flicked on his laptop and booted up the episode, recently uploaded onto Youtube, as he settled into the tub and turned the water up, ready for a nice soak and a good episode.

“My Little Pony, My Little Pony, Ahh~ahh~ahh~aahhh~” He sang along, smiling brightly, thinking nothing could ruin this for him...

Till his computer crashed.

“OH WHAT THE FUCK.” Adam growls as his hand comes out of the water to smack the side of his laptop, which was sitting atop of the toilet seat by the tub. The screen had gone black, the power went off, and while it was humming, it was for all intents and purposes, dead.

“Stupid ass piece of shi-” He winds up to smack it again as all the lights go out and the water stops running.

“... Great.” He grumbles as he stands up, getting out of the tub and nabbing his towel as he walks over to the door of his bathroom, fumbling for the nob. “Bloody fucking -brilliant-. And now my night goes to hell in a hand baske...” His voice drops from his lips as he opens the door to the bathroom with a soft *snick*

And is totally unprepared for the sight he sees. Fire spewing across the sky, the ground a dark, frightful red, chilling hot and burning cold.

He blinks once.

Twice.

A third time.

“... Well... this was unexpected.”

His hand drops from the doornob as he looks out at the landscape he could only describe as 'hellish' and gasps softly, trying to wrap his mind around where he was.

When a voice pierces his thoughts.

“THERE YOU ARE! Oh thank -me- I was almost worried my own nature would do me in!”

Adam whirls in surprise, bringing his hand and stump up into a combat stance , his towel dropping away as he looks for the voice, only to have his jaw drop in shock as he looks upon the last being he was expecting.

We all know the God of Chaos, lord of tricksters and master of pranks, Discord the Draconequus. We know what he looks like, we know what he sounds like. Hell, we know how he acts and what his favorite breakfast cereal is (froot loops, by the way).

We we -don't- know is that looking at the GOD OF FUCKING CHAOS while wearing nothing but your birthday suit and standing outside of your bathroom door, the tub partially filled with warm water, whilest looking out upon a hellscape that was once your apartment is... well, to put it bluntly...

Very Chaotic.

Adam's jaw works up and down as he tries to contemplate what is going on as his eyes roll back up in his head and he falls over, dead to the world as his body is caught by the God of Chaos.

“... well, better then when it happened to -me-. Guess he's made of sterner stuff. Hell, he didn't even shit himself!” The Draconequus cackles as he grabs Adam and leaps off the ground, making note of where the door to Adam's bathroom is as he takes the limp human away, glancing over his shoulder once in a while as if checking for something.

--Meanwhile--

“Tia! Where did he go?!”

Luna's voice was loud with both worry and anger, glancing about wildly as she tried to figure out where Discord vanished off too.

The two young Alicorn Mares... well, young by Alicorn standards, only a thousand and a hundred more and a thousand and a hundred-fifty more respectively, stood together defensibly, their respective Elements shining brightly from their armor as they kept their heads on a swivel, looking out for their fierce foe who had fled from them just moments ago.

Celestia's voice was weary, but calm and in control. “I don't know.” She whispers softly. “But do not fret sister, he won't get the best of us this time...”

--Back at the Hellhole--

A groan of pain. A blur of lights and sounds. A echoing snap.

Adam's head spun as he slowly dragged himself back to consciousness, a very difficult prospect indeed, but a task that needed to be undertaken if he was going to be able to... to...

Get back to looking at the hellhole.

His eyes finally opened to gaze upon the 'sky' of this place, almost pitch black, and yet, with great fires stretching across it, like a great, suffocating ceiling. “Ah, good, you've awoken. Care for some chicken?”

Adam yelps in surprise at the voice that seems to be coming from his head, bolting upwards and looking around for the source of the voice, only to lay back down immediately, gripping his head and groaning in pain.

“Yes, yes, I'm aware that hurts. Don't worry, it's real chicken, not Scootaloo.” The voice muses as Adam slowly sits up again, hissing in pain. “What the fuck...” Adam groans only to have the voice tisk. “No, no, it's what the -buck-. I swear, if you're going to be the new God of Chaos, you're going to need to do much better then you are right now.”

“What the hell are you talking about!? Where are we, an... wait, Scootaloo?” Adam says, looking around before finally finding what he's looking for, sitting right behind him holding a big ol' bucket of KFC. Discord. The Draconequus looks at the mortal in amusement as he crunches away on the extra-crispy chicken.

“Yes. Care for some? Chicken I mean.” Discord muses as he strips a piece clean before idly tossing the bone over Adam, where it explodes into confetti. “Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS! You're the new God of Chaos!”

Adam gives the Draconequus a blank look, only to get one back with a sigh to boot. “Oh don't look at me like that, you'll spoil my appetite. At least I have chicken.” Discord muses as he bites into another drumstick.

The mortal snorts. “Yeah yeah Leeroy. Ok, great joke, messing with the human, ha-ha, very funny. Oh look, now something else chaotic and stupid is going to happen. Least I miss my awareness check, that's your MO, yeah?”

Discord scoffs softly. “Why I never! A Dungeons and Dragon's fan? Oh, this is going to be even -better-! GM or player?” The Draconequus says, stretching out as he and Adam are now on opposite sides of a table that wasn't there a moment ago, the God of Chaos wearing a sweater vest, pocket protector with pens and a calculator, and big, nerdy coke-bottle glasses that are taped together.

“... Both... but you haven't an...” Adam is cut off by his confused response as a wizard hat is shoved on his head far enough to obscure the upper part of his body, making him squirm in his new constraints.

“Even BETTER. That reminds me, I should challenge good old Gynax to another game when we meet up again...” Discord muses as Adam lets out sounds of anger and annoyance at his constraints.

“Oh hush. I didn't pull it down -that- far. Just to your elbows. You can get out of that.” Discord says, looking bored. “This is the human that's supposed to replace me? Really?”

Another minute of two or struggling passes before Adam frees himself from the wizard hat with he soon tosses aside, where it slips into a hole in the ground, panting a bit. “Wh... replace you?” Adam asks, looking very confused now.

“Why yes, Replacement! Congratulation, as I said, are in order. I'd throw you a party but the mare for that particular job isn't going to be born for another thousand years or so, and the current mare of that job has a very -strange- sense of humor and probably isn't going to like you.” Discord says, looking over his paw as he taps his fingers on the table.

“... Ok, maybe there is something I'm not understanding. Why am I replacing the God of Chaos?” Adam asks.

Discord grins widely, his single tooth glinting in the dark light of the hellish landscape. “Because you're YOU mah boi! You're as you as you can be!” Discord laughs, looking quite tickled at the thought, making Adam growl, thoroughly unamused as Discord laughs and then slowly starts to sober up.

“Fine. The truth then. I am dying, Adam Glocke of Earth, as did my predecessor and his predecessor.” Discord says flatly. “And you... are going to be the new God of Chaos. The same way I was picked, the same way all the Gods of Chaos have been picked... randomly.”

Those words hung in the air and Adam groans, his head meeting the table with a solid THUNK as Discord chuckles lightly. “Yes, that was about the extent of -my- response when I learned. Of course, the Draconequus have always been a chaotic race, so it isn't -that- far fetched, but... well, when you're the last of a race of chaotic beings and are doomed to die instead of immortality...” The mis-matched being smirks darkly. “You want to go out with a -bang- and cause as much trouble as you can, no?”

Adam frown as he looks up at Discord, his head resting on the table. “... What are you talking about?”

Discord sighs. “We don't have time for a extended history boy, I need to get to brass tacks with you. This alt-space I've put us in gives me plenty of time to transfer my powers, but once I do, that's it. I'm dead and gone, you'll end up getting flung through the far reaches of space and time, and you're on your own. I barely have enough time to explain what is and isn't before...”

As the chaos god falls silent, Adam looks at him. “... You're dying?”

“In a way. All chaotic creatures live and die... like you humans. It's our nature, we live, cause as much chaos as possible, experience life as you humans put it, and then die.” Discord says dismissively, “It sounds horrible, but there is nothing quite like a fully experienced life. The whole world notices when such a life ends, doesn't it? A Chaos God is no different in that. You will live. For a very long time, but your own nature will tell you when it's time to end... and you will pass it on like I am now.”

Discord's flat, serious expression is suddenly turned upside down as Adam's chair breaks and he's thrown to the ground, smacking his chin against the table edge as he goes. “SON OF A BITCH!” Adam swears as Discord laughs again. “YES! Things like that! Random Chance! It's better when it happens CHAOTICLY!” Discord laughs wildly as Adam hisses in pain from biting his tongue and smacking his jaw.

“Oh yeah, great.” Adam growls. Discord sighs. “Oh stop being such a cry baby, it's all in good fun my boy. I hope you learn that quickly. It took me a good on hundred-twentysome years before I figured that out, and that was -before- I was a chaos god.”

Adam sighs and rolls his eyes. “I don't believe you.” He says. “Look. I got class tomorrow and this prank got unfunny -ages- ago.”

Discord's smile darkens softly as he suddenly darts forwards, grabbing Adam with both hands and holding him up.

“H-hey! Come on, seriously, not funny!” Adam yowls as he kicks and squirms, his feet kicking at the Draconequus's arms.

“Adam Glocke of Earth. You are chosen. The choice isn't mine or yours... it's chaos.” Discord says darkly, his voice echoing as his hands glow a dark purple, wrapping around Adam's shoulders and neck, Adam choking and gasping as it constricts his neck.

“Gh-ahck! H-help...” He chokes out as he struggles against Discord, his struggling growing weaker by the moment as the glow becomes darker and darker, sliding across his nude form.

“Your duties are as follows: Experience Life and Spread Chaos. Keep the balance by destroying the order. And most important- have fun.” Discord's voice echos, the Draconequus dropping to his knees, his arms quivering as the glow darkens further, enveloping Adam's head, his mouth open as it seems to pour down his throat.

Adam's eyes roll back as he starts to black out from lack of air, his body twitching in agony as he slowly seems to die of the lack of air to his lungs. A voice drifts across his ears as he slumps in the arms of the God of Chaos.

“My Journal is yours to find. Congratulations, good luck... and pick a good name for yourself... my lord.”

The last words were almost mocking... but were forgotten as Adam left this realm of consciousness, lost to the world around him.

--END--

Author Note: This Fic is the result of a bet, and honestly, with this chapter, I've done all I needed to do to uphold my end of the bet. I had a great time writing it and I do think it's pretty good, but I've got no editor, no prereader, and I'm posting it as-is.

As such, if you enjoyed, the three R's apply. If you didn't enjoy, the three R's apply. If you didn't even read it, then why the fuck are you reading this?

That's all, Ash out.

Re-education (Through Chaos)

Chapter Two: Re-Education (Through Chaos)

Thud-thump

The sound of a heartbeat pounding away. Another day striving, another day dying.

And He heard every moment of it. The rhythm of the alpha's rushing the streams... wait, that didn't sound right.

He groans in pain as His body lies heavily on the ground, twinges of pain, twitches of awareness, twats of... well, something or another involving being alive. So alive. More alive then He could remember before.

He gasps as he bolts up, the ground sparking and turning into a cushy pillow as He whips His head around, yelping in pain and laying down again. He -really- needed to stop sitting up right away. Slowly up, he reminds himself, taking deep breaths before slowly sitting back up.

He felt heavy, full of pain, like He'd been tossing and turning in His sleepless sleep. He groans, trying to blink away the pain and the damned -SONG- playing in His head as He looks over to His side... and stops.

Before Him lies the body of the... well... he wasn't the God of Chaos anymore, but Discord lay before him, his whole... image, almost, aged and damaged, as if time had suddenly leaped forwards. He gasps before bringing up His... hooves?

“... You've -got- to be bucking kidding.” He growls out as He inspects himself. The once-human named Adam Glocke was currently sitting on a very plush cushion in a hellscape next to the body of a dead god. And honestly, He was actually considering that this wasn't a joke anymore.

“This can't be happening... I'm dreaming, that's all!” He mutters, yelping as a ghostly image leaps from His... well, if He had to venture a guess, it would be His horn. The image bounces off the ground and rolls to his feet, and stretches up wards into the form of Adam... not alive, more like a ghost. Or a hologram.

“Oh yeah, great way to think of yourself, smartass.” Adam growls as he looks at Him, tilting his head. “Huh. Hey, do we remember what they called the Princesses?”

He growls. “Does that really matter right now?!? This is serious!”

Adam laughs. “Bullshit this is serious! We're talking to ourselves via hologram that was cast by your HORN! You've got wings, and while I'd say we look damn good, you're a... well, no, too big to be a pony... A small horse? Big horse? I don't know.”

He sighs and looks over Himself again. Four hooves, check. A barrel, stock, and other such bits and parts required for an equine, check. Wings, check. Horn? “Eeeyup.”

He glares at Adam. “Stop that.” He growls, waving a hoof through his apparition. Adam scoffs. “HEY! Stop that! You'll muddle -our- subconscious doing shit like that!” Adam says, looking quite putout as He blinks and then sighs, rubbing the back of His head. “Ok, ok, point made. Jeezus, you sound like mum.”

“Whatever. Look, we just wasted a bunch of time telling the Audience that you got turned into an Alicorn, and while that's great n' all, it's not exactly befitting the Neo-God of Chaos to be something like a pony.” Adam says, tapping his chin. “How about an Ork instead? Orks ar' dah biggis' n' th' stronist!”

He chuckles at the thought. “Forty-K with Ponies? Really?” He muses, three Angry Marines running by them, chasing a Gretch who's fleeing for what appears to be either his after-life or pre-life, wherever the buck this place was, the roar of chainsaw swords muddying His thoughts.

“... Mmmkay, yeah, I'mma say no.” He says blandly, waving a hand, the Angry Marines turning into freshly picked roses in fine vases and the Gretch turning into a peaceful old woman who's got a bad hip tending the roses. Adam watches this in awe. “... Do you even realize what we just did?” Adam asks as He looks over at what He caused before looking down to His hoof. “... How the fuck did my hoof turn into a hand?” He asks, “That's a more pressing point, I would think. Damn it all to ME, I think I -literally- just handwaved that away!”

He lets out a breath before looking very frustrating and shouting, slamming His fore-hooves back on the ground from His sitting position, the entire hellscape vanishing, instead replaced with... well, not blackness, more of a swirling, sweeping purple-ness. He lets out a soft, pleased huff before looking to His human-form hologram.

“... I'm slowly losing my mind, aren't I?” He asks quietly. Adam shrugs. “Honestly, I say it's already gone, and it left the moment Discord started shoving his chaos magic into our body. At least it was just -oral- violation, if it was through the other hole, we'd have to change the rating.”

“True, true.” He muses before sighing. “Ok, seriously, I am getting really tired of being described as 'He'. Why can't I just use my name?”

Adam sighs. “Dude... may I call you dude?”

“No.”

“Fine, God of Chaos, listen. We are, at this moment in time, the new God of Chaos. Now, Gods can't be talked about in anything but capitals, and Gods without names are commonly referred to as 'Him' or 'Her'. Usually in allcaps. But obviously our little sister has a sick sense of humor or something and is only using one capital. This is besides the point. We're unnamed right now and...”

“OH ME! What about Ashley?!” He panics, His head swiveling around before His wings flap, flipping Him into a double backflip and landing on His hooves. “Nice flip, mind to show how sometime?” “NOW IS NOT THE TIME ME! Ashley!”

Adam sighs, “She's going to have to continue on without us. Let's face it, at the moment, I'm a figment of our collective imagination, created mostly to explain to the audience what the hell is going on and because she can't write out scenes with one character in it.”

He sighs. “Yeah, you're right. She's always had a rough time with those. But still, what am I supposed to do now?”

Adam grins. “Now -that- mine equine friend is much simpler to answer! Tis time for ponies.”

He blinks. “... Ponies?”

Adam nods. “Where did Discord come from? EQUESTRIA! Come on, it's the best option! I mean, yeah, we're probably gonna get into a big fright-up-fight-em-up with the Princesses, but they need to be taken down a peg anyway and we need to spread a little chaos anyway!”

He slowly nods, rubbing His muzzle. “I have to admit, you make very good points me. For a projection of my thoughts, you're quite intelligent.”

Adam blushes and grins. “Awww, I'm not that great me, but thank you. I love compliments from myself.” Adam blinks and pauses, contemplating that for a moment. “... Does this make us narcissistic?”

He shudders. “I should hope not! I mean, I'm totally awesome, but we knew that already and -never- went out of the way to prove it. No reason to start now.”

Adam nods. “True, true. Mmkay, so we're in agreement that Equestria is the place to go?”

He nods, stretching His wings as His horn's glow increases a little. “Wayyyy ahead of you. I think I can get us right... well, wherever Discord was before he came to nab me. Who knows, maybe I'll come up with a name there.”

Adam grins. “Awesome! Back in your head?”

“Back in my head. When this shit hit's 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some SERIOUS chaos!”

--EQUESTRIA: About ten minutes ago--

“... Do you think he... you know, left?” Luna asks timidly, looking around nervously.

Celestia fumes, snorting and stomping her hoof childishly. “He promised damn it! He said he'd finish this today!” The -very- annoyed Goddess of the Sun says as she paces in her armor. Her sunny day was bright, and unfortunately, very hot. She could probably adjust that, I mean, it's her sun, but she's in a right fix and and most likely forgot, and lets face it, Armor is sweet and badflank as buck, but it's -heavy- and makes you sweat like no other.

Luna sighs, sipping softly on a carton of apple juice. “It's funny... he really seemed ready to fight us to the end and egged us on n' everything and then... nothing? He strikes at us twice before suddenly fleeing through that portal...”

The two Alicorns had been fighting Discord for three days now. Three days to stop him from hurting the ponies of Equestria, to defend a land they cared for deeply, and more importantly, to get some Faust-deserved -rest- from trying to bring peace all the time. Maybe set up a government or something like that.

All of these thoughts ended when a crackling of lighting is heard, and a roaring of... was that a DRAGON?!

The soon-to-be princesses leap into a combat stance, horns glowing as they readied for combat... only to be blown back a good six hoofsteps as a wild looking vehicular blasts forwards into existence down the road, trailing fire and lighting as it skids to a stop. It sits there, smoking and roaring. Luna and Celestia look at it in shock and fear, their wings full out as they gaze warily upon it.

It's a long, sleek looking... thing, like a wagon with no horses, and has some big barreled thing on the roof of it entitled 'Disintegrating Cannon'. Slowly, it opens up what looks like a wing to reveal... it's hollow. And there is a pony inside. Another Alicorn! They can't really seem to get a good look at Him as He gets out, his mane blown all over the place and stark white.

“AHAHA! ONE POINT TWENTY-ONE GIGAWATTS! I told me that's what it was!” He laughs rancorously, looking quite pleased at Himself as He looks at the twin streaks of fire that signified His arrival, and points a hoof at Celestia and Luna. “AND NOW! FACE MINE DISINTEGRATING CANNON! AND SISTERS, WHEN IT DISINTEGRATES, IT DISINTEGRATES!”

Luna and Celestia duck, putting up spell shields as He motions to fire... as the cannon, the wagon, and everything that signified it's arrival and existance suddenly turns into dust and vanishes. “... Aheh... well... what do you know. It disintegrated.” He says, looking very sheepish... literally turning into a sheep as Luna and Celestia gawk at him.

Celestia is the first to react. “DISCORD!” She yells, charging the Neo-God of Chaos, throwing bolts of force at Him, which the sheep 'bah's at and ducks, turning back into His normal form. “Discord?! Who the buck is... oh right, kidnappy mc-violaty. Right.” He says as Celestia stabs at him, only to trip over a banana peel with a cry of pain. That thing was harder then steel!

“Hey, hey... or is it 'hay' 'hay' now? Whatever. Ease on up on the vengeance strikes there Ms Jenkins. I'm sure Discord deserves them but I sure as buck don't. See? Defending myself! Ok, and scaring the begebers out of you two, but lets be honest, I -knew- that it wasn't going to work! I mean, I use the proper lines and everything!” He says, reclining on thin air.

“Who are you then?!” Luna yells out, looking quite unhappy. “You're chaotic, any foal could see that, but what be you if you aren't Discord?”

He blinks, thinking on that. “Damn, I haven't come up with a name yet, have I?” He muses aloud, softly rolling in the air. Luna facehoofs and groans as Celestia glares at Him and starts taking swipes as He twists, turns, rolls, ducks and dives around Celestia's attacks.

“Whoop! Careful now, I've got more twists and tricks then a hedgema... hey, there's an idea!” He says, grinning as he licks Celestia's horn as she stabs it by her face, making her recoil in shock. “Mmmn! Tingly! OOH! And I figured out what my name should be! I shall be... LABYRINTH! But please, call me Pan.” Pan Labyrinth says with a wild smirk and a big ol' wink at the audience as applause goes off, Pan rearing up to his hind legs, waving to the audience for more. “Oh stop it! Stoppit! You're all making me blush! Thank you! Thank you! Oh goodness!” He giggles.

Luna can only look on in shock and horror at the new God of Chaos. This is bad. This is very, very bad.

He's a cute, hunky alicorn stallion! How many cute, hunky alicorn stallions where there!? NONE. AT ALL. Like, seriously, ever. Most of the Alicorn Stallions she knew were crodgity old coots that already joined the great herd.

She blinks and then shakes her head, growling. “STOP PLANTING THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD!” She yells, jabbing a hoof at Pan, who giggles gleefully in revel at her reaction. “S-sorry! I couldn't help it! You were just -ogling- me and well... everyone knows -what- you were thinking.” He chuckles, calming down some.

Luna frowns. “That isn't what I was thinking!”

“Or was it?” Pan asks as he mimes leaning on a wall next to Luna, smirking playfully. “Look, I'll be honest. I'm new to the whole 'God of Chaos' thing and really, I'd -love- to stick around and play with you both some more, and I mean -really- play with you, grrrrowl~, that's some hot stuff ya'll are packing, but I seriously need to figure out what all I'm supposed to be around for before anything wild happens and Ash has to change the rating of this fic.”

Celestia groans and rubs her head. “By Faust you are annoying!”

Pan snorts. “No, I'm cheeky and endearing. DISCORD was annoying. Ugh, what a prick, snatching me from my bathtub and turning me into a God of Chaos and then -dying- before I could ask anything of him!”

Luna blinks, her jaw dropping in shock, even Celestia looked taken-aback. “W-what?”

“Yeah! I know, that's what I said.” Pan says, sighing as he reclines in his stylist's chair, his entire body covered, Luna and Celestia blinking as they look at each other, the old-fashioned mane dryers feeling absolutely lovely on their manes but... when in the world did they get into a salon? “I told Rose, you know Rose, always gabbing, I told her I says, 'ROSE, DAHLING, you -must- tell me how you get your hooves to shine like that! And then Rose, she says...”

Celestia holds up a hoof. “PAN! Stop! What you did you mean Discord is -dead-?”

Pan blinks and then pulls a cucumber away from his eye, looking at them with a eye that -could- be described as purple, but more of an amethyst, that seemed to get darker as you looked into it. “Yeah. He just up and -died-. Forced his powers onto me an' -everything-, oh it was just TERRIBLE Dahling!”

Pan swoons, putting the cucumber back on as he brings the back of his hoof to he forehead, swaying in his chair. “Ohh, what a terrible thing! Orally violating me with all of that chaos magic and forcing it deep into my body!” He cries out, “Turning me into the new God of Chaos!”

Celestia blinks, slumping a bit as her dryer turns off and pops up, her armor placed aside, revealing the Alicorn's unpowered mane, light pink and fluffy from the drying. “... Dead...?” She murmurs, frowning for a moment before her eyes go wide and she looks to Luna, gasping. “Luna...”

Luna is leaning back, enjoying her hooficure from a shadow-pony. “Mmn... what?” She says, looking over to Celestia, who gives her a disappointed frown. Luna blushes. “What? They're really good at it and we haven't gotten pampered in two-hundred some years Tia!”

Pan nods. “You need to take a -break-.” Pan says, as he settles into his chair. “I mean, I'll be honest darling, you could use a hooficure yourself.”

Celestia frown and subtly checks her hooves as she speaks up. “Pan... do you harbor any ill will against the ponies of Equestria?”

Pan blinks and lifts up the cucumber again, looking at Celestia. “... Can't say that I do. Can't say that I don't either. I'm sure it'll adjust, going up n' down and such in the next few hundred years or so. Why?”

Celestia smiles and nuzzles Luna. “We did it! … well, not really.” Celestia looks disappointed at that. “But still Discord is gone, our little ponies are safe... we can finally rebuild Equestria!”

What does this mean? How does this play into the plot? Is there even a plot? BESIDES Celestia's glorious flank?

“HEY!”

The only way to find out is to keep reading! Once another chapter comes out anyway. And fast or slow, it should be good. Maybe. I mean, it's being written by a military chick who doesn't always have the greatest amounts of time on her hands, so you'll just have to wait and see!

“Who are you talking to Pan?”

“Oh don't worry Luna, just the Audience. But anyway, so Rose, I says to her I says...”

---Author Note---

Ok, I have to admit, I had -way- too much fun writing this chapter. If it's overboard, great, It's supposed to be like that. Jumped the Shark? Maybe. It's up to you readers, thanks for enjoying what I've written so far! Not bad results for a first fic.

I Curse The Name, The One Behind It All...!

Chapter 3: I curse the Name, the one behind it all...!

AUTHORS NOTE: It's at the start this time!

Yeah, I know, caught me off guard too. So check this out- I was looking at the feature box today and surprise of surprises, guess what I saw! A Discord fic, happy day! Bu... wait, is that...?

Eeyup, it was my premise. Not quite as chaotic as I'm making it, but my idea. And apparently it was based off of someone -elses- idea which came along before I had -my- idea and I had never seen before.

I wasn't surprised, but at the same time, I was, considering that I'd never seen a fic with the idea like mine before. Ah well, Sest te la vi, or however you write that. But! I am not going to stop, mostly because really, I'm enjoying writing this.

Besides. MINE is crazier! >3

SO! Pan, would you like to take it away?
---------- End Authors Note, Begin story ---------------

“Love to darlin'.” Pan says with a grin, stretching out in his still as of yet to be described form, which is likely an alicorn but at this point only provable to be a unicorn with wings. Or maybe a Pegasus with a horn, whichever.

“So, ignoring my description yet again to probably infuriate the few fans the authoress has, tell me more about your little plan here Celestia.” Pan says, one hoof lazily dangling off of the cloud couch he made, not feeling like flying or walking. A little cloud tether was tied to Luna's tail, and she didn't particularly seemed to notice, too happy about Discord being gone as she bounced along, pulling the lazy God of Chaos along as she went.

Celestia grinned. “We're going to start a government, Luna and I, to unite the Pony Tribes and bring about a new age of prosparity and peace! The Ponies are too spread out, too alienated in and among themselves... it's a danger to them, and I want to protect them.” She says, puffing her chest out a bit and standing tall and regal... till she gets hoof-noogied by Pan as he floats by.

“Oooh, yeah, great idea. That'll only take, what, ten, fifty, two hundred-fifty some years? Three hundred? No, no, this isn't Madness or Sparta.” Pan muses as he rolls over on his back, his foot swaying a little.

Celestia frowns. “You act like that's a bad thing. Hard work is it's own reward.” She says. “And this task will be most rewarding indeed when My Little Ponies can live in peace and harmony once again, as it was intended to be before Discord.”

Pan snorts. “No wonder he decided to mess with you and your sister. That whole idea of 'as it was intended to be' is -way- tempting to screw with in every way imaginable.” He groans, his hoof off the other side of the cloud. “But... well, that was -his- plan, and I'll be honest, stealing his plan is wayyyy to easy.”

Celestia gives him a blank, angry look. “We would have beaten him and his plan.”

Pan snorts. “Riiiight...” Pan muses as he sinks into the cloud and flips over, his wings sticking out off the cloud as he motors around. “And I'm a cloud! Beep beep!”

Luna frowns, tilting her head. “... But I can see your wings.” She says, looking quite confused, only for a groan of sarcasm to come from the cloud as a pair of eyes look out from the cloud, giving the audience a exasperated look, pretty much saying, 'You see what I have to work with here?'

Pan sighs. “Look, I'd -love- to point out every way that thought could go wrong and absolutely rip any hope of ever beating Discord right out of your -precious- little hooves, but at the moment, I have much better things to be doing.” He says, his cloud doing small aileron rolls now with the help of his wings.

“Besides, he's dead, yeah? That means you won.” Pan points out with a lazy wing flap that sends him spinning much faster.

Celestia snorts. “Point. Fine. We'll leave you be, we need to go speak with our little ponies anyway.” She says, motioning for Luna to follow her, the younger alicorn stepping close to her big sister as Pan spins around and around.

“AAAH! SOMEONE STOP ME! I WING'D TOO HARD!” Pan yells out as his cloud continues it's out of control Aileron roll as it spins through a series of glowing rings.

“DO A BARREL ROLL FOX!” A rabbit yells from a nearby field, only to get zapped by a bolt of lighting, turning him into a chocolate rabbit instead. “STFU!”

Ignoring the chaos god and his random outburst, Celestia teleports off with Luna, leaving Pan in his cloud as they go to do whatever it was they did to create the civilization we all know and love. Pan frowns at this, but he disperses the cloud, looking rather disappointed and a little annoyed as his entertainment had left.

“Are you really so desperate for entertainment that you'd do the same trolling bullshit that Discord did? How the hell are you even acting the way you are?” Adam says, looking at Pan with a frown, the Chaos God blinking, not realizing he had summoned himself.

“Wh... oh, wait, it's just me.” Pan says, sighing and waving a taloned hand at Adam. “Be gone me, there is chaos to be done!”

“Bullshit.” Adam says, crossing his arms. “You only want me gone because I'm speaking the truth.”

Pan frowns lightly at the figment of... no, it's not imagination, is it? It's himself. “But this is who I am now.” Pan says. “I don't have a choice.”

Adam snorts. “Don't have a choice? We're the God of CHAOS! Besides how mind-breakingly INSANE all of this is, without getting into the body change, the fact that we're a God now, and the fact that you met two Goddesses whom we originally thought existed in a TV show for little girls, and for the last several paragraphs you've been TAUNTING THEM.”

Pan freezes at this, blinking several times, his eyes going wide as the rest of his life, his previous life, flashes before his eyes, and he clutches at his head, gasping as he sinks down and sits. Adam gives him a pitying look. “You didn't even notice you've changed forms. And all because you 'don't have a choice', right?” Adam says flatly.

Pan shudders at the thought before he takes pause. “... We need to settle.” He mutters. “N-no... I need to settle... calm down... t-think.” He whispers. Adam closes his eyes as he vanishes after a few moments, Pan's eyes closing as he takes deep breaths in and out.

An excuse. A reason. No point in just going about in the manner Discord did. He'd draw too much attention. Chaos was good, it was balance to peace, but just going all willy-nilly would end up with him in stone, probably at the hooves of those whom he had taunted minutes ago.

Was it really minutes? It could have been hours! His eyes snap open again as he looks around franticly. No, no, calm, calm. Relax, take another deep breath, let it go. Smoke curled out of his muzzle as he hisses out a deep breath. That’s it... the smoke was settling, calming, soothing. He watched it coil in it's own naturally chaotic manner. No one could predict how smoke would act. It would curl, or waft, sometimes thick, sometimes so light that you almost couldn't see it. The wind would pick up and take it.

It reminded him that he hadn't had a cigarette in a while, reminded him of the boat, reminded him of his life in general. And... it was soothing to remember. To regain control.

Pan pauses. “... That's not me anymore.” He says aloud, frowning a bit. “I'm not Adam. I can't be Adam anymore. He's me, but I am not him.” That sounded right... it felt right. It made sense... in an odd, chaotic way. He liked that.

The... what was he right now anyway? He frowns, checking again. Yep. Dragon. Teenaged, if he was guessing right. He didn't know. Pan shakes his head. “Well, it's as good as anything, and better yet, it's -not- a Alicorn.” Pan snarks, crossing his arms as he tries to think of what to do next.

He looks up at the authoress, who is currently pounding her head against her desk, and frowns. “Hey! You really shouldn't do that, you're gonna end up hurting yourself!”

AND WHY NOT? I can't think of bloody ANYTHING. I had all these interesting ideas and they've fled! I mean, I'm supposed to drop you into a world of crazy but without a good amount of character interaction, we've got you talking to yourself!

“Well fine, yes, point well made. I mean, even now I'm just talking to you, ma'am, and I'm sure that the audience isn't going to appreciate it.”

Piff. As if they even care. And if they don't like it what are they gonna do? Thumbs down and unfave? Ohhhh, my poor heart, I doubt I could take it!

“... Sarcasm doesn't work very well in text Ma'am.”

No shit Sherlock, how'd you figure that one out?

Pan groans and shakes his head as he thinks over 1. Something to do and 2. Why the authoress is actually putting herself through this before...

“... Hey, I got an idea.”

… Really?

“YES, really, and stop it with the …'s! You use them far too often!”

Ok, ok. No more ...'s unless it's actually necessary. Still, you said you had an idea?

“Yes. I don't know how to be the God of Chaos.”

How is that a plot point? It's chaos, it doesn't have any rules.

“But Discord said he wrote a journal or a diary or something. I should go find that, shouldn't I?”

Huh. That actually makes a surprising amount of sense. Alright, done, that's the new plot point. Go get the macguffen boy!

“Yeah yeah, I'm going, I'm going...”

And so Pan set out on his EPIC quest, searching high and low, day n' night, by the starlight and the moonlight and through the fire and the flames to fi-

“Ummm, excuse me? Do you really have to describe it like that? I mean, really, I've been walking for like... three minutes.”

What? You don't like it?

“Not quite that wording, but it's uncomfortable. It's like the words have been used before and are a mangling of songs put together.”

Oh shut up and stop talking to me. I'll fix the fourth wall later.

“Fine, fine. You're the boss lady.”

Damn straight. Now that we have that sorted out...

AHEM

AND through the fires and the flames, seeking out the diary of Discord. There was many an adventure to be had... by Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story, and the knights of the round table. Alas, this was in a different universe, and Pan was left with trudging along the winding path to Canterlot.

Yes, Canterlot. Not Camelot, Canterlot. Tis a silly place or so I've been told. Filled with random musicals and impromptu Dance Routines which seem to work out spectacular without any practice what so ever, and current home of the Goddess Sisters.

The trip itself wasn't so bad. It was the mind numbing BORINGNESS of it that was bad. It wasn't exactly a short walk and for -some- reason, Pan was reluctant to use his powers... most likely because he was secretly afraid of turning himself inside out... “AM NOT!” or more likely because he doesn't want ponies to know that he's the new god of chaos and assume he's Discord. “Better.”

Either way, Pan was trudging along the road, his claws digging into the dirt, tearing it up a little as he walked, sighing as the extreme boredom of such a long walk started digging into his head. “Yeah, tell me about it, I feel like I've been walking for a MONTH or longer!”

The bored God sighs before brightening a little as his ears perk. A sound, coming from the distance! It almost sounded like singing, but that couldn't be it. No, it was too soon for singing, mostly because he was...

Pan blinks and frowns. “When am I anyway?” He asks aloud to no one in particular. “I mean, I'm not in the current era of the story, am I? So I'm most likely still in Discord's reign... which just ended thanks to him dying, right...” Pan frowns and then chuckles to himself, letting out a little huff of smoke.

“Hehe, maybe they're singing the munchkin song. 'Ding Dong the Witch is dead~!'” Pan sings aloud for a chuckle before he continue to walk towards the source of the sound to discover...

A CLIFFHANGER!

AN: Yeah, you can start hating me now. I'll be honest, this is gonna have some wonky updating due to me leaving to go out to the ship. It already got seriously messed up by me moving to Japan (Haha! I'm 15-ish hours ahead of you! I'm in the future! This is going to be posted -yesterday- for me!) And while I'm sure i'll have time to write, I dunno if I'll have time to post what I write. We'll see.

In either case, happy chaos! Enjoy your Cliffhanger, as much as it RAGES you, and I promise for moar of the good stuff next time- when I introduce actual characters! More then just one or two! Really! I swear! Don't go... please?