No Soup for You

by Matthew Penn

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 3244

In this outrageous series of vignettes - mistakes are made, relationships fall apart, terrible people make terrible choices, and lives are ruined... all in the name of delicious soup.

In this outrageous series of vignettes - mistakes are made, relationships fall apart, terrible people make terrible choices, and lives are ruined... all in the name of delicious soup.

Published 2020-10-01 19:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-01 19:30:01 UTC

No Soup for You

Sunset Shimmer took Twilight Sparkle downtown to a shop that sold soup. She tried it some time ago and thought it was the most delicious soup she’d eaten. She invited Rarity to come along, but on the way she fell in love with a used armoire in front of a thrift shop.

According to Sunset there is a certain procedure one must follow when ordering soup. The shop is own by a man of an undisclosed nationality named Yev Kassem, who is known by some patrons as “The Soup Nazi.”

The ordering procedure is as follows: upon entry move immediately to the right. Keep the line moving at all times. Hold out your money and speak your order in a loud and clear voice, then immediately stop to the right to receive. Mr. Kassem is an impatient man with a short temper, so do not ask questions or engage in idle conversation or embellish your order and never give compliments. Failing to follow the proper ordering procedure results in an immediate ban as he says the four deadly words: “No soup for you,” and your soup taken away.

“He’s not actually a Nazi, is he?” asked Twilight.

Sunset shrugged.

The shop, which is called Kassem’s Soup Eatery, is located in a shopping center next to a cheap jewelers and a dollar store. The line extended almost to the corner of the block, with more people adding to it, including Sunset and Twilight. Fortunately for them it was moving. In no time the two young girls were inside. Kassem runs a tight ship, thought Twilight.

Once inside Twilight had a good look at the Great Kassem, a man with olive skin and a bushy mustache and dark hair. His face held a deep frown that appeared to be glued to his face. Twilight remembered the proper ordering procedure and held out her money. She ordered a medium Turkey Chili, while Sunset ordered a medium Crab Bisque.

Yev said nothing. He poured their soups into cups using a ladle. The girls immediately moved to the left to receive their orders in brown bags.

Twilight looked inside. “He didn’t give me my bread,” she said.

“Forget it, just let it go,” whispered Sunset.

Twilight paid six dollars for the soup and the menu promised bread. She is going to get her money’s worth. “Excuse me sir,” she said to Kassem. “I’d like some bread.”

“Bread two dollar extra,” Kassem answered in a foreign accent. He never looked up.

“But everyone else got free bread, and the menu clearly says that it comes with soup.”

Kassem looked up, glaring at her as though she said something that offended him. He caught Twilight caught off-guard. She looked to Sunset to come and save her. Sunset shook her head. She was on her own.

“Bread three dollars!” yelled Kassem. Twilight let out a shocked gasp. He yelled out the four deadly words, then snapped his fingers. The cashier swiped the brown bag from Twilight’s hand with swift movements; she received a refund.

Twilight held the money in her trembling hand. It happened so fast her mind couldn’t process the ordeal. She looked to Sunset, who shook her head disappointingly. That’s the price of not following the proper ordering procedure.

Let’s get back to Rarity. While Sunset and Twilight were on their way to Kassem’s Soup Eatery, she found an armoire in front of a thrift shop. For those who don’t know what an armoire is, it is a large wardrobe with shelves and drawers. It was love at first sight. She asked the man sitting next to the armoire for the price, and he gave her his “Pretty Face Discount.” Being beautiful does have its perks and advantages.

There was one problem - she had no way of taking it home, and it was much too heavy for her to lift, not that she actually thought about doing it. However, being a girl who had special connections, she called a friend of a friend, Macintosh Apple - those close to him call him “Big Mac,” because of his size and muscles and that he hated McDonald's Big Macs, which is why they gave him that nickname. The plan was to have Big Mac put the armoire in his pickup truck and drive it to her home.

“Is there any way I can thank you?” she asked graciously.

He told Rarity about the soup shop downtown. He wanted a large cup of Mulligatawny soup. Big Mac tried to stop her before she took off, to tell her about the proper ordering procedure. “Don’t worry about a thing, sweetheart, I shall return,” Rarity said as she turned away. Hopefully nothing will go wrong.

Rarity couldn’t believe how long the line was. It stretched to the next store, a cheap jewelers that not even she herself will set foot in. She spotted her friend, Twilight Sparkle, waiting at the end of the line with a disappointed look on her face. “What are you doing here?” asked Rarity. “Didn’t you already get your soup with Sunset Shimmer?”

“I insulted the Soup Nazi,” answered Twilight.

“Good heavens, he’s a Nazi?”

“No. . . well, I don’t think he is,” said Twilight. “But if you waste his time he yells at you and takes away your soup. There’s certain things you must not do when you’re ordering.”

Twilight explained the proper ordering procedure to Rarity, at least she thought she was. Rarity tuned her out, her mind on her beloved armoire and all the things they will do together. To her surprise the line moved quickly. In no time at all they were inside.

Twilight ordered first. Once again the Soup Nazi watched her like a hawk. Twilight knew that somehow he wanted her to make a mistake so he can ban her forever. She held out her money. “Turkey Chili please,” she said in a loud and clear voice. No less than ten seconds her soup was prepared. Twilight opened the brown bag, satisfied that he remembered the bread. “Thank you very much,” she said.

“You’re pushing your luck, little girl.”

Twilight apologized quickly, then made a quick dash out of the shop. Rarity stepped forward. Kassem looked on impatiently as she spent too much time gazing at the menu. She was holding up the line.

“What do you recommend?” she asked him. Kassem had the right mind to force her out of the shop until she remembered why she came. “I’ll have a cup of Mulligatawny soup - large, and I’ll have…” she trailed off. Kassem opened his mouth to speak until she examined his face. “Has anyone ever told you you look like that one actor? He has a mustache just like yours. I believe he won an award this year… or was it last?”

A frustrated smile slowly grew on his lips. “Good, very good,” he said with his thick accent. He gestured for Rarity to come close. She was eager to hear what he had to say. The little smile on Kassem’s face turned into a deep frown.

“NO SOUP! GET OUT!”

And with that the next customer shoved the shocked and confused young girl out of the way, empty-handed.

Rarity complained about the terrible service to Twilight “This is outrageous! Absolutely unfair,” Rarity cried out. “He can not treat his customers in such a horrid way, especially when he was given a compliment!” She waited for an answer from Twilight, who was too busy enjoying her soup. “Are you even listening?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been waiting all day for this! It’s so delicious!”

“Can you have the slightest courtesy to not eat it in front of me?”

Twilight reminded her that she tried to explain the ordering procedure to her. She suggested to Rarity to go back in line and order again. The Soup Nazi, under certain circumstances, would give patrons a second chance if they’ve been kicked. Rarity had no desire to wait in that long line. Besides, it was a apparent Yev Kassem had the qualities of a Nazi. On her way home she found Big Mac standing on the sidewalk, much to her confusion. “What happened?” she asked, running up to him.

“Two men offered to help me put the armoire in the back of my truck. They like gentlemen, but they weren’t; they were street toughs! They stole your little wardrobe! Took off with the truck, too,” he said matter-of-factly.

Rarity was in hysterics. “Why didn’t you stop them?”

“They threatened me with wiffle ball bats.” He noticed Rarity’s empty hand, then he asked about the whereabouts of his soup.

“The Nazi took it away,” she answered sincerely.

Our story continues with two women named Celestia and Luna. They are the principal and vice principal of Canterlot High School, respectively, and ran a tight ship as one well-oiled machine, but something happened that affected both their personal and professional lives.

It was around this time Celestia had been dating a guy named “Barry.” At home she was forced to listen to her older sister’s phone conversations with her boyfriend. They used that ridiculously cutesy, lovey-dovey language and called each other “Shmoopsy,” “Shmoopsy-kins,” “Shmoopsy-woopsy-lovey-poo,” each variation making her vomit in her mouth. It was a fate worse than death, or being imprisoned for a thousand years. One time Barry called after Celestia finished the morning announcements. She foolishly left the intercom on and the entire school listened to their mushy, nauseating chat. Even Rarity, quite the romantic herself, found it as an assault to her senses.

One Friday afternoon Barry suggested they eat at Kassem’s Soup Eatery downtown. Celestia insisted Luna come along, but she refused. “I’ll just be in the way,” she said. Barry tried his best to sell how good the soup is. “It’s so good you can’t eat it standing up! Your knees will buckle!” he said excitedly. “Believe me, I tried it, I was stunned!”

Luna respectfully declined. She didn’t want to be around them as they showered each other with those idiotic affectionate nicknames and endless vapid compliments. Luna wondered why couples always do this, annoy and disgust innocent people like that. It was one reason why she never pursued a relationship. It takes up too much time and love makes you stupid. To this day hearing the word “Shmoopsy” gives her a serious migraine.

What does this have to do with the Soup Nazi? Well, Celestia and Barry arrived at the end of the long line. As they waited they took the time to wrap their arms around each other doing what couples madly in love do - calling themselves names, hugging and kissing, until they were next in line.

Kassem’s eyes were assaulted by the disgusting sight. How dare they display their affection in such a way - in front of him and his patrons? “KISSING? IN MY SHOP! UNACCEPTABLE!” he barked. His voice shook the entire shop, catching everyone’s attention.

Celestia let go of Barry. “Excuse me, but I can hug my boyfriend wherever I want. It’s my right,” she said, her arms folded across her chest.

“NOT IN HERE!”

“It’s a free country!”

Kassem put down his ladle, pointed his finger to Celestia. “THAT’S IT, NO SOUP! COME BACK ONE YEAR!”

Celestia couldn’t believe what just happened. In all her life nobody had raised their voice at her, not even her parents. She called him a Nazi under her breath and quickly shoved her way out of the shop. She noticed Barry wasn’t with her. “Well?” she called out to him. Between the soup and his significant other, he realized he had to make a difficult choice. He consulted reason and emotion for an answer.

“...I’m sorry, miss, do I know you?” he said awkwardly.

And with that their relationship garnered a one-way ticket to Splitsville. Celestia refused to contact him after that, and refused to go to that part of town, seeing how the soup shop will conjure horrible memories of humiliation and betrayal. Celestia joined Luna in never falling in love, and never touching another bowl of soup for the rest of her life.

Let’s stop for a moment. It is true this story is about the cruelty of the Soup Nazi, but there have been other times, although rare, where he has showed kindness. They’re not big and spectacular and full of sentimentality, but small, little actions of graciousness. Again, these moments are few and widely scattered. In this part of the story we will learn how one act of kindness led to his downfall.

And now we come back to “Big” Macintosh Apple. He has heard all the stories of how Kassem would throw patrons out of his shop for the smallest of offenses. This wasn’t the Yev Kassem he knew, and he didn’t appreciate people refer to him as “The Soup Nazi.” Big Mac was a regular customer for as long as he can remember, and they have always treated each other with the utmost respect.

Rarity was still upset by how Mac lost her armoire, despite finding his truck and the street toughs who stole it. When speaking to Kassem he told the sad tale of how his friend had been robbed. (Mac didn’t specify who it was. We’ll get to that part later).

Kassem shook his head in disgust. “Disgraceful,” he said. “I have armoire in back of shop, never used. Take it. It’s yours.”

Macintosh nodded. If only his friends saw this side of him, then they wouldn’t resort to calling him a Nazi, or something else that was terrible. They’d learn Mr. Kassem was not an authoritarian or a tyrant. The shop gets very busy during the day and he is under a lot of stress. If only they’d understand, and they’ll see he can be an upstanding citizen.

Meanwhile the next patron - a Latin-looking fellow, stepped immediately to the right and held out his money. “I like a medium Gazpacho, por favor?”

Kassem stared deep into the nervous eyes of the Latin fellow, like he just swore at him. “Por favor?” he repeated. With a loud voice he exclaimed “Adios muchacho!” and sent the Latin fellow on his way out.

It took a long time to convince Rarity to come out of her room. Whenever she reaches her lowest point in life she lies in bed wearing a bathroom and eats tubes of ice cream, with the door locked. When she finally came out Macintosh covered her eyes and led her through the house. They were both very uncoordinated.

“Darling, is this really necessary?” asked Rarity when they almost knocked over a vase from its pedestal.

“Do you want to spoil the surprise?” he replied.

They stopped moving. Macintosh removed his large hands from Rarity’s eyes. Her soulmate had returned to her. Rarity screamed with joy and embraced the armoire to the point of kissing. It looked more beautiful than the one she found in front of the thrift shop.

“Wherever did you find this?” Rarity squealed.

“Kassem gave it to me. It’s all yours.”

“Kassem? You mean that dreaded Soup Nazi?”

“He ain’t a Nazi. I think you owe him an apology.”

Rarity gazed at the very nice looking armoire. It came from the Soup Nazi? She thought about what Macintosh had said. Maybe it was possible she had misjudged him completely. Later that day, at Macintosh’s suggestion, Rarity visited Kassem while he served soup. If there is one good thing Rarity can say about the place is that no matter how long the line was nobody had to wait long. Perhaps there is something to his proper ordering procedure. It’s a work of business genius in her opinion. She approached him with a pleasant smile. He did not return the favor.

“What do you want?” Kassem demanded.

“I just want to say thank you for the armoire,” Rarity said. “And to apologize. It appears I have misjudged you. When Macintosh Apple told me the new armoire came from you I didn’t know what to think. But I know that deep down that gruff exterior is a gentle and kind heart.”

Kassem’s olive skin turned red with fury. He clinched the fist that held the ladle and had to restrain himself from attacking her with it. His explosive outburst sent shockwaves throughout the shop and beyond the block.

“YOU! HE GAVE IT TO YOU? UNACCEPTABLE! IF I’D HAD KNOWN I NEVER GIVE IT TO HIM! I GRAB SLEDGEHAMMER AND SMASH IT INTO BITS! NO SOUP! BANNED FOREVER! BIG REDNECK, TOO!”

His loud voice almost blew Rarity out of the shop like a leaf against a strong wind. Kassem’s violent outburst made her soul escape from her body, momentarily losing balance. She backed away when Kassem glared at her long enough. If she stayed there for much longer she feared he would make her burst into flames.

Sometime later Rarity explained how the Soup Nazi not only banned herself but Macintosh as well. An argument broke out over whose fault it is until it was decided that everyone and everything was just terrible. Being too tired to continue the debate Rarity rummaged through the armoire. She found nothing but old junk. She pulled out crumpled pieces of yellow legal pad sheets with writing on them. She read the paper, groaning that it was just a grocery list. She read further. There were instructions, prep work, measurements, cooking time.

These weren’t grocery items - everything on the list were recipes for soup! Recipes from the Soup Nazi himself! Rarity stumbled upon a whole stack of papers with dozens upon dozens of recipes, all of them in her possession. What a fantastic coincidence! It was like finding a map to the lost City of Gold. A devilish smile crossed her lips. Fate has yielded its reward.

Rarity returned to the shop of the Soup Nazi. She waited patiently in line with a smile on her face all the way to the front. She just witnessed him casting out a patron. She watched the young lady go, feeling very confident. The tables will be turned.

“You again?” he said angrily. “No soup! No allow! Get out!”

“Not so fast, Mister Soup Nazi,” said Rarity. “Do you think you can cast me out of your establishment easily? Well, it just so happens I’ve stumbled upon something very peculiar.”

Rarity held the yellow sheets of paper, waving them in front of the agitated chef. “You’re wasting time!” he said. Rarity cleared her throat and read the items off the paper. Every other moment she took a glance at Kassem’s face. He shifted nervously, something no one had seen him do before. He opened his mouth, but as Rarity kept reading his seemingly permanent frown disappeared, replaced by a look of fear.

“Those. . . those my recipes!”

“Indeed they are,” replied Rarity. “Your days are numbered, Soup Nazi. Your thousand-year empire is coming to an end. Then I shall reign supreme.”

Kassem fidgeted, feeling as though he saw an invisible hand writing a message of doom on the wall. Rarity looked more and more like an angel of oblivion. Kassem, who had been forever known as the Soup Nazi, did something he thought he’d never do in his life. He went down on his knees and begged for mercy. When Rarity saw this she felt she had single-handedly taken down an oppressive regime.