(Alternate and Edited) Princess Luna's Dirty Secret
Derping on the Dancefloor
Luna's Dirty Little Secret
Original story by SageLovesLuna
Edited by TheSecretBrony
Princess Celestia descended from the sky, the sun falling once more below the horizon, ushering in the night. The life of a Princess was never easy, her duty to her people a heavy burden. Every day Celestia would strive to maintain peace between her subjects. Awaiting her return as always was her sister Princess Luna. Seeing her sister's smiling face always brought joy to the Sun Goddess. She didn't think that Luna was ready to resume her responsibilities as a monarch. Having spent 1000 years on the moon meant she was starved of social interaction. Feeling guilty Celestia had decided to spare her the stress of managing a kingdom, effectively giving her sister free reign of Equestria.
What she didn't count on was Luna's tendency to overdo it.
"Good evening sister!" Luna said. She was stood on the balcony outside of Celestia's bedchamber. "I trust all is well?"
Celestia landed gracefully onto the marble floor. Luna bowed and she responded in kind. "Yes little sister, it is good to see you. Please follow me." Celestia led Luna into the bedchamber and closed the door to the balcony. She removed her crown and collapsed in a heap onto her bed, letting out a contented sigh as she sank into the flowing silk. "Thank Faust that is over." She said, her voice becoming more casual. "Away from prying eyes and ears at last. I can finally do away with all those petty pleasantries."
"Sister?"
"Do not misunderstand me Luna, I love each and every one of my little ponies but they can be so irritating at times..."
Luna let out a small giggle, "I can imagine."
"All the bowing and curtseys, 'yes your majesty, at once your majesty', every day of every year for the past millenia. I know it's expected of me to be regal and society dictates everyone must act accordingly. But still..." She let out a frustrated yell muffling it with her pillow "I envy you sister."
"How so?"
"A thousand years on the moon? At this point it's my idea of a vacation."
"That could be arranged..." she said with a mischeavous grin.
Celestia smirked. "I'm joking of course, if I dissappeared who would look after the kingdom, you?"
"Hey! That was uncalled for." Luna sat cross legged and pouting
Celestia chuckled "Well as much as I'd like to chat with you Luna, the sandman beckons me. Will you be going out again?" she said as she rested her head and pulled the quilt over herself.
"Oh yes, I'd thought I'd visit Ponyville again, is that a problem?"
"Not at all, just as long as you raise the moon before you go."
Luna rolled her eyes "Yes mum." she said. Celestia threw a pillow at her which Luna succesfully ducked under, before bursting through the balcony doors and taking off into the sky cackling like a mad pony. Celestia smiled.
"What am I going to do with you?" she whispered before she shut her eyes and drifted off into sleep.
***
Princess Luna spiralled through the air, the wind catching beneath her wings she soared high into the sky to where the air was thin and one could see the edge of the world, the horizon between sky and space. Few ponies were affored such a sight as no pegasi dared to fly this high. Far above the world, with no interference and no distraction Luna painted the sky, the stars began twinkling so very far away. With a flick of her horn the moon began to ascend, taking it's place as the centerpiece of her creation.
"Such beauty, adored by so few..." Luna looked down at the world below her, the pinpricks of light from each of the cities and towns, dotted out over the landscape as if mirroring her night sky. Luna smiled.
Now that that's out of the way, it's time to have some fun!
Tucking in her wings, Luna dived, spiralling towards a small town not far from Canterlot.
As the streets came into view, Luna slammed her wings open coming to a dead halt in the air, before landing with all the sound of a falling feather. She removed her breastplate, crown and her horseshoes before teleporting them back to her room in Canterlot. Luna knew Celestia would never let her out if she wasn't properly attired. Given what she planned to do tonight however, required a certain degree of anonymity, something her royal regalia could seldom achieve. She used her magic to cloak her wings and forced her mane to fall straight, rather than billow in a celestial wind. Looking at her reflection in a nearby window she saw that she looked rather like a normal unicorn, though her mane still twinkled like the stars in the sky. It was a simple disguise but it served it's purpose.
"Ooooh I'm so excited, if Celly could see me now she'd probably flip!" In a giddy fit she galloped down the street, towards a building in the distance. Techno music could be heard thumping inside.
The club was called "The Trash Heap" and was founded some weeks ago by an entrepreneurial equine by the name of Filthy Rich. Twilight and her friends invited Luna along during the previous Nightmare Night Celebration on what was to become the most memorable night of Luna's life, for all the wrong reasons. A combination of bad decisions, alcohol and inexperience sent Luna on a downward spiral. She'd never had a special somepony before and being ignorant of modern societies protocol to dating and relationships meant Luna wasn't prepared for when a drunken colt started hitting on her. His chat up lines and sweet talk, to a certain inebriated princess sounded more romantic than the most epic of love poems. One thing led to another and the next thing Luna knew she was becoming acquanted with the taste of said colt's tonsils. From there it all went bad very quickly. Overcome with a euphoric rush of new emotions and all of her faculties completely shot, Luna was soon pinballing over the dance floor, hooking up with partners left and right. Even, rather embarrasingly, the majority of the Mane 6. They later claimed no memory of what happened that night, though Pinkie was more excited than usual to see her when they next met and Rarity seemed to carry an air of disdain. She didn't know exactly how many 'partners' she got through that night, her memory going hazy after number 16. Quite frankly she didn't care, the rush of adrenaline she felt breaking the rules, acting as she knew she shouldn't proved to be too addictive. Once more she found herself queing on the cobblestones leading to the door where a disgruntled bouncer was standing guard.
"Name?" he said not even looking up from the checkboard he was holding.
"Lucy Nightmane" Luna said, she booked her place under a pseudonym, lest wind of her nighttime activities reach Canterlot. The bouncers eyes scanned the list, satisfied he pulled the velvet rope away. Luna skipped happily inside. The club was a buzz with the sound of music, Vinyl Scratch A.K.A DJ PON-3 behind the turntables as always. Luna was tempted to join in the large moshpit that was the dancefloor, all that pushing and shoving was so unladylike, just what she was looking for. Fortunately she knew that being an alicorn, she couldn't come to any harm.
First things first...
Luna sauntered over to the bar and batted her eyes at the barman, who instantly ran over to her, citing cries of anguish from several male patrons. That was of course until they saw who it was that was causing the commotion. Princess Luna was highly respected, since nopony could remember the Nightmare Night incident, she was kind, respected, a role model. Lucy Nightmane however had built herself a reputation. It was common knowledge at The Heap, if you want to have a good time do not interrupt Lucy's drinking sessions. If you do, your gonna end up in hospital as a rather unfortunate stallion found out when he stole her cocktail.
"Evening Miss Nightmane, what'll it be?"
"The usual Ramone."
"Gotcha, one Princess Cocktail coming up." If anything could be said of Lucy Nightmane, it was that she had a sense of humour. She necked the first, second and third of the brightly coloured concotions and was nursing a fourth as her eyes scanned the club.
"Whose it gonna be, whose it gonna be?" Being hit on was fun to begin with but the novelty soon grew old, the same cheesy one liners over and over again. It was much more entertaining to pick targets. Every night she asked the same questions; mare or stallion, were they single? She considered it a personal challenge to tear away a colt from his marefriend, though she'd yet to rob a mare away from her coltfriend.
Not tonight no...aha!
Her gaze fell upon a grey pegasus, her cutie mark was of bubbles and she looked really nervous, a stallion was trying (and failing) to talk to her, barely able to stand up.
I've never seen her in here before, I do love messing with first-timers. Okay then, let's go!
Downing the rest of her drink she walked slowly towards the pegasus, who was too busy being harrassed to notice her approach. Clearing her throat Lucy startled both her and the stallion, she could smell the alcohol on his breath from a mile away "Is everything okay here?"
The stallion, infuriated at being interrupted steadied himself and confronted Lucy "What the buck do you want can't you see I'm working here?"
"I think this lovely lady wants you to leave her alone."
"Oh yeah and whose gonna make-" Before he could finish his sentence Lucy's hoof connected with his jaw sending him spiralling to the floor unconscious. The entire club turned to look at the down colt, then up to Lucy
"Don't mind me, just taking care of business" she said polishing her hoof on her chest. The party carried on as if nothing had happened. They knew not to interfere. Silently one of the stallion's friends dragged him to the door, presumabely on the way to the hospital.
I HATE competition.
She turned back to the grey pegasus who was shivering slightly, her eyes tightly shut. "Are you alright?" Lucy asked.
"Y-yes th-thank you, that that guy, he was saying he would d-do things to me." Tears started to pour down her face. Lucy wrapped a leg around her and began walking her to the bar "I'm only here because my friend wanted me to come, she's the DJ here."
"Your friend's with Vinyl!" she said astonished as she and the pegasus took a seat at the bar.
"Yeah... I don't know why she wanted me to come th
ough, I hate these places."
"Eh it's not so bad, don't worry guys like that are very rare." she gave her a playful shove "Come on it's no reason you can't have a good time.
"If you say so..." she leant against the counter.
Damn she's really shaken up, what in Equestria did that guy say to her?
"Ramone! Fix us up with some shots!"
"Right away Miss Nightmane!"
A tray clattered down in front of the pair, Lucy grabbed one of the glasses and pushed the tray towards the pegasus "Bottom's up!" she downed the shot and slammed the empty glass on the table. "So what's your name?"
The grey mare fidgeted uncomfortably, "Ditzy-Doo but everyone calls me Derpy."
"Derpy huh? Well you can call me Lucy. So where you from?" Lucy said, another shot down the hatch.
"Cloudsdale, I'm a mailmare and most of deliveries are to Ponyville, I met Vinyl working my rounds, she stopped to help me when I crashed near her studio. What about you?"
"I live in Canterlot, mooching off my big sister."
"Canterlot, that's nice. What are you doing here then? Your idiot friend drag you here too?"
Lucy laughed quite loudly, drawing the attention of several other clubbers "Hardly, just looking for a good time, good music, great drinks" Lucy said downing another shot. "Speaking of which you haven't touched one yet."
"I don't drink..."
"You sure? C'mon what harms one drink gonna do?"
"Well if you say so." Derpy sipped one of the shots, the alcohol burning the back of her throat causing her to cough and splutter. Her eyes spinning in both directions.
"Whoa" Lucy said "You really don't drink do you? Just down it, don't take it slow. You okay? What's with the..." she gestured to Derpy's eyes. "Is that normal or have they been messing with my drinks again?" She shot the barman a cold glance, who quickly turned and walked away, putting as much distance between himself and infuriated 'unicorn'. Derpy sighed.
"No it's, it's fine they're normally like that. I learnt how to stop them whizzing about, see?" She closed her eyes and when she opened them again her pupils were both facing the same direction. "A lot of ponies complained about my eyes and they think I'm just an idiot but I'm not. It does make flying harder though. Sorry you had to see them like that, I just wasn't expecting," she pushed her shot glass away "That."
Hiding part of yourself, just to fit in? Sister I can relate... Here I am trying to pry the poor thing with alcohol and for what? My own enjoyment.
"Hmm..."
Have I really sunk so low? Gah, what's wrong with me?! Tonight I'm Lucy Nightmane, not prissy Princess Luna. This should be easy, you've done it before. Yeah she has a sob story, so does everymare and their mothers. Why should she be any different?
"Are you okay? You've been sat staring into your drink for a while now."
"What? Sorry, Derpy, I was just thinking."
"I've made you uncomfortable haven't I? I should just go, thanks for the drink." Derpy got up from her stool and turned to walk away, Lucy grabbed ahold of her shoulder.
"Hold it."
"What?"
"Why would you make me feel uncomfortable?"
"My...eyes? It's fine really, I get it."
"And yet I don't, believe me Derpy, I've seen my fair share of weirdos in here, including a very odd stallion who spent the night in a giant jelly jar, you don't seem like a weirdo to me."
"But my eyes-"
"What about them? Yeah they go askew, so what? I don't care and neither should you. Still a normal pony underneath."
Derpy smiled and sat back down at the bar, "Thanks."
"Good, now then, since we're sharing I too have a problem. A serious problem"
"What's that?"
Lucy slammed a satchel onto the counter "Well, I have a BIG bag of bits here, it's just too heavy for me to carry home, what's say you help me empty it? Barkeep!"
"Yes Ms.Nightmane"
"Fetch this lovely mare a daiquiri"
"Yes Ms.Nightmane!"
"What's a daiquiri?" Derpy asked.
"A cocktail, should've figured you for a first time drinker, these," Lucy said pointing to the tray of shots "Are a bad way to start."
"Your drink miss." said Ramone pushing the bright red drink under Derpy's nose
"Ooh Strawberry, Ramone fix me up with one of those!" Lucy said.
"As you wish."
Derpy took a sip of the drink, then wide-eyed downed the entire cocktail in ten seconds flat. "That was delicious. This drink, I like it. Another!"
***
Several hours later, the duo had managed to amass a large gathering, their meeting having descended from a casual drinking session into a fullblown contest. Even with her endurance and experience, Derpy was proving to be more than a match for Lucy. Apparently she was more than accustomed to being disorientated, be it from booze or otherwise.
"Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" The crowd called out as Derpy and Lucy raced to get to the end of their beer bongs.
"Finished" Derpy declared, no longer in control of her eyes, not that anypony seemed to care. Lucy nearly choked on her drink.
"How did you? Nopony beats ME at the game of drink!" she tackled Derpy to the ground, the two rolling over the floor in a fit of giggles.
"Hey, quit it, quit it!" Derpy said as Lucy pinned her to the floor.
"Not until you say it!"
"Okay, okay you win!" Lucy stood up and pulled Derpy to her feet, only to lose her balance and dragging Derpy back to the floor.
Staggering to a seating position Lucy bowed her head in defeat "Alright, I've had enough and trust me I don't often say that. How about you?"
Derpy's speech had become incredibly slurred, with each step she seemed to be on ice."I don't know, I'm feeling kind of good." She began staring at her hooves waving them through the air. "Hmmm... tingly. I think I'm going to go dance, do you want to go dance?" she said with a pleading smile.
Lucy couldn't believe what she was hearing, she could barely stand, how was she going to dance? But then, how could she resist that face? "Okay, one dance, man am I gonna be sore in the morning..." Lucy allowed Derpy to drag her to the dancefloor, everypony clearing for the pair. The crowd was shocked, not only was Lucy Nightmane drunk but someone was dragging HER to the dancefloor. Several members were emptying their drinks, if they were seeing what they thought what they were seeing either it was opposite day or they had had way too much. One pony however glared at the pair through her rose tinted glasses and gritted teeth, this was not how she'd planned the night to go.
"C'mon Lucy you're not dancing, dance with me. Pleeeeeaaase!" Derpy said skipping past Lucy flicking her chin lightly with a wing as she did so. Lucy's head was spinning , the pegasus' spiralling eyes seeming to hypnotise her, or was it her dancing? The way she moved, her tail swinging from side to side that joyful smile that lit up her face.
Dat...Flank...
She shook her head quickly, "Derpy, I can't dance with all three of you, hold still." Neither pony seemed to care that the music had been cut short, the DJ having gone into the backroom.
"Catch me if you can!" Derpy cried out. She winked at Lucy, before ducking into the crowd of confused party-goers.
"Derpy? Derpy,where'd you go?" Lucy shouted out as she stumbled after her, muffled out by the shouts of protests from the lack of music.
Great, now she's missing, well this was a massive waste of time, guess I better get home, it'll be dawn soon.
"SURPRISE!" screamed a voice in her ear, letting out a startled yelp Lucy turned to face the noise only for a set of lips to latch themselves on to her open mouth, attached to none other than Derpy. The cause of what happened next is still uncertain, be it the pure surprise or Derpy's kiss Lucy's wings slammed open with a very loud, very noticeable *Poomf*, breaking through her cloaking spell. Anypony who wasn't completely plastered now had their attention on the dancefloor where, without a shadow of a doubt, was a very flustered, dark blue alicorn.
"P-p-princess Luna!"
Oh damn...
Luna, her disguise broken looked quickly around the club, judging from the noise of shattering glass several ponies had dropped their drinks. Literally everyone was staring at her, their expressions ranging from disbelief, disgust and downright distraught. None were more shocked however than Derpy, whose hooves had clamped firmly over her mouth as she realised. She had just kissed the princess. As for Luna her mind was whizzing away, the jig was up, now what?
Okay Luna, think, think what should you do? Have to get out of here. Have to get Derpy out of here. Oh my sister is going to kill me... Think what would Celly do?
Attempting to gather some composure, Luna rose to her feet, clearing her throat. She did her best to address the crowd.
"Good evening loyal subjects."
Good start, now carry on...
"Yes it is I, Princess Luna. I suppose you're all wondering what it is I'm doing here, well-"
"Hold on, Princess, you're Lucy Nightmane?!" called out a drunken voice from the crowd.
Dammit alright, lie, just lie you're way out, you're good at lying.
"No, I'm afraid I'm not, you are mistaken-"
The voice interrupted her again "Pull the other one, I was watching the whole thing, you pushed past me. I stopped to give you a piece of my mind next thing I know you're tonging that pegasi next to you and woompf, two wings popped out of nowhere."
Oh dear this is going very bad, very quickly...
"Loyal subject, just how many have thou consumed tonight?"
"Hey now that's not fair, I'm not drunk and I saw the same thing."
"Yeah."
"Me too!"
"My drinking buddy's in critical condition because of you!"
Bail!
"That's not ri- you're wrong, oh forget it!" In a flurry of feathers and magic, Luna grabbed ahold of the gobsmacked Derpy and the pair winked out of the club, leaving the club to shout at thin air.
***
When they reappeared Luna and Derpy were in Cloudsdale. Luna fell to one hoof, the mental strain of performing magic whilst drunk too much for her to take. Derpy had backed of slightly, this couldn't be Princess Luna could it? Princess don't go to nightclubs. She'd just had too much to drink right?
Taking in several jagged breaths Luna tried to speak "I...am...so sorry...Derpy."
"W-wait you're really Luna? I mean you're really, really Luna the Princess?"
"Yes."
"Oh my, oh no but you and I and we, oh no..." she buried her head in her hooves.
"Derpy." Luna said putting a hoof on her shoulder "Please don't worry."
Derpy's head snapped up "Don't worry? I just kissed you, a princess in front of EVERYPONY! And you're telling me not to worry?"
"I, I shall take the blame for this. I've been doing this a while now, it was only a matter of time before it finally caught up with me."
"Wait. You mean you do this sort of thing a lot?" Derpy said, still shouting. "And here I thought..."
"Can we talk about this somewhere else please, I'd imagine someponies are sleeping."
"Fine, follow me." Derpy headed off down the street, stumbling and zig-zagging her way as Luna followed close behind, dragging her head through the clouds.
Well this night can't get any worse
They stopped outside of a house, that like most other houses in Cloudsdale was made of clouds. Derpy pushed open the door and fell through into the hall. Luna followed suit, it's seemed amazing to her in that moment how come nopony was ever robbed in cloudsdale, how do you lock a cloud?
"This is where you live?" Luna said in awe, her room in the palace was exquisite, but Derpy's home? The clouds had been artistically crafted, some formed pillars and others curved and bent into intricate shapes. Derpy led Luna into what was, at a best guess the living room.
"Yeah. This is home."
"It's beautiful."
"Thank you" Derpy said falling onto a couch. Luna thought about joining her though the pegasus didn't seem to be in the best of moods. Instead she sat beside her, silently staring as Derpy buried her head into the cushions. A few minutes passed before she looked up at the alicorn. "Why me?" she slammed her hoofs repeatedly against the cloud couch, putting sizeable dents into it.
"I don't understand, why does all this bad stuff happen to me? It's not fair!"
Lucy looked at her confused, "What are you talking about? Why are you upset?" she tried to put her hoof on Derpy's shoulder only for her to bat it away.
"You, you did this to me. I didn't want to go to that club. I knew something bad was going to happen, I just knew. And looked what happened."
"Derpy please don't, if you want to blame anypony blame me."
"Believe me Princess I blame you plenty..."
"Derpy I-" Luna was cut off by a grey hoove placed very firmly over her mouth.
"I think it's better if you leave."
"Derpy please, just allow me to explain myself." The grey pegasus didn't answer but sat up and stared at the princess expectantly. "Oh boy, okay look. Imagine what my sister goes through everyday, all that work, all that pressure. Everypony expecting perfection and poise every second of every day. I don't want that, not yet, you have no idea how thankful I am that she's given me the oppurtunity to do whatever I want, at least for now." She turned her head to look out the window, where the silohette of castle could be seen in the distance. "Of course I get the feeling such freedom is going to be revoked as soon as I step hoof back in Canterlot." She looked back to Derpy. "The Heap is my escape from it all, I can stop being what everypony wants me to be for an evening and just enjoy myself. I must confess that things got... out of hand." Luna met Derpy's gaze, it had softened slightly but she still stared at her with an icy glare.
"So what do you want to do now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Princess I'm still drunk but I'm not stupid. When you came over to me at the club, what were you planning?" Luna's face flushed red, she was in trouble now. "I knew it, get me drunk and have your way. Typical." She stood up and walked around her living room "Well congratulations, I'm drunk and we're in my house. Your plan worked perfectly, so I'll ask again. What do you want to do now?"
"I, er it's just-"
"Forget it I'm going to bed, make up you're mind princess. I just hope you can live with your decision." By some miracle, Derpy managed to slam her bedroom door shut, leaving a dumbfounded Luna sat in the middle of the floor. Her head flicking back and forth. Which door should she pick? Outside it was cold and Luna could barely control her wings, let alone fly. Whilst behind door number two, perhaps the most unusual pegasus Luna had ever met, her night spoiled by Luna's selfishness.
No, what kind of pony would I be if I left her in that state.
Slowly she pushed open the bedroom door, hearing Derpy whimper under the covers clearly fearing the worst. She approached the side of the bed, the covers trembling rapidly. Without a word Luna slipped under the quilt and lay facing away from Derpy. "Calm yourself Derpy."
"W-what?!"
"I'm not going to do anything to you, I just want to sleep now."
"What?!!"
"Hey you're not the only one whose had a little too much to drink. It's too dangerous for me to fly in this condition and I daren't use my magic again in fact I'm surprised I can still speak properly. If I am to go home it will have to wait until morning." She tugged more of the quilt over herself. "And since you were kind enough to offer your bed to me, it looks like I'll be staying here."
"So you're not going to do anything?"
"What kind of a pony do you take me for? Stealing kisses and okay, fine, the occasional coltfriend, is as far as I go. Lucy Nightmane may promiscious yes but I'm not about to sleep with some mare I've only just met. What kind of Princess would I be if I lifted my tail for everypony who took my fancy. It's time to pack it all in though, no way I can get away with it now everyone knows my disguise. Although I believe you owe me this..." The princess rolled over and planted a kiss on Derpy's nose which wrinkled up in surprise. "Fair's fair right? Goodnight Derpy." She curled over again, the sound of her snoring soon filled the room leaving Derpy both pleasantly surprised and very confused. Thinking it better not to look a gift horse in the mouth, Derpy closed her eyes and fell asleep.
***
Thanks everybody for reading! This version has been edited by TheSecretBrony. Hoped you liked it! More coming up!
By the way, there's a Thor reference in here! See if you can find it, it's really difficult!
