Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I will assume from the bear traps and claymores that now litter the hallways of the castle that waking up with me snuggling against you in your bed made you really uncomfortable. However, I must say in my defense that this castle is a freezer!
You surely are smart enough to realize that crystal walls do nothing to keep the place warm without the sun, and you don’t even have a miserable chimney.
I bet that the only reason you haven’t frozen to death in your bed is because you share room with a dragon that acts as a living heater. So, either get some proper heating in your tomb of a castle, or don’t complain when sleeping with you is necessary for my survival during this winter.
Your freezing enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.
P.S: I’m serious, I will use your books as kindling if I have to!
P.P.S: I threaten you with the destruction of your personal life and you try to befriend me, but a little bit of personal contact immediately drives you towards attempted murder? Really?
Are you sure ~~I’m the only one with~~ you don’t have unresolved metal issues?
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise.
You’ve rejected my offer of peace, invaded my personal space, and threatened my books. For this, I will give no quarter. Even if my friends say that I’m taking things too far, I won’t rest until you’re removed from my castle and life, so you better fall in line or leave this place before things really get ugly.
Your judge, jury, and executioner,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
While I do find this whole thing creepy and pointless, since your problem is only with Twilight, I will offer you to cuddle with me if you’re cold, just so things don’t escalate further.
The last thing anypony wants is for you two to start a nuclear arms race.
I can also leave you some warm blankets if you like, along with the hot coco.
Your neutral ally,
Spike
Dear Spike,
~~Your attempts at peace are useless~~ ~~I refuse to lower myself~~ ~~I must respectfully decline your offer~~ ~~I appreciate the sentiment but~~ ~~I just~~
Thank you.
Your ~~conflicted enemy~~,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you somehow managed to transmutate all the water in the castle into cheese, and I don’t want to think about the implications of you doing it right when I was in the middle of my shower (Please tell me it was a coincidence). In light of this; I must reluctantly acknowledge that you do seem to be a pretty unorthodox but capable mage.
This fact, plus some persuasion from a friend concerned about your “minions”, is why I wish to offer you a cease fire.
You need my food, and I would prefer that my library is not filled with cheese or set on fire, so let’s go back to you threatening me with a questionable promise of doom upon my life, and me ignoring you while I deal with more serious issues. It will be the best for both of us.
Your forgiving foe,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I thank you for the compliment, but I will only accept your surrender in exchange of a permanent source of food and hot coco, along with a payment of 1000 bits.
If you accept my demands, I will concede to thirty days of peace between us.
Your merciful enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.
P.S: It wasn't a coincidence.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I don’t wish to starve you to death, so you will get the food and hot coco, but I won’t give you a single bit from my purse, which I’ve already enchanted in case you steal from it, so don’t even try it.
Your still threatening foe.
Twilight Sparkle.
P.S: Cease fire and surrender are not the same thing.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
In case you haven’t realized it until now, I don’t possess a single bit. So other than you, how else would I get money?
Your broke enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Get a [CENSORED] job! Any job would suffice. You must have some work experience.
Your barely patient foe,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Well, your castle could use some cleaning. Would you pay me for that?
Your possibly new maid,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer.
[CENSORED] yes! I’m [CENSORED] tired of having to clean everything by myself.
I can give you 10 bits per hour. Full payment at the end of the month.
Your future employer,
Spike.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I have several questions.
Why did I find two stallions stuck to the ceiling? Why didn’t they have any fur or hair on their bodies? Where did half of my food go? Why all the entrances to the castle have silver wire running through them? Why is there a bell on the roof? Why are my books disorganized?
Your confused foe,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
These two gentlecolts you found tried to enter the castle in the middle of the night to rob you blind while you were away, so I sent my rock-rat minions to deal with them. They proved to be too efficient, so I had to glue the stallions to the ceiling before the rats started eating more than just fur and hair.
My minions got understandably mad, so I let them eat as much as they wanted from your pantry. Sorry about that, I will put more effort into awakening their minds so this doesn’t happen again.
The silver wire and the bell are part of an alarm system I made so we can deal with future intruders more efficiently.
And the books, well, I was cleaning them, and I thought I put them back correctly. Did you want them in a specific order?
Your living security system,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
For starters, all books must be placed 3.35 centimeters away from the front edge of the shelve they are standing on, and there must be an exact separation of 0.25 millimeters between each book, and a 1.25 separation between the last and first book in the row and the wall of the bookshelf they’re next to.
History books must be placed in chronological order by the era they are about, but you must also make sure to keep each century in one single group.
Science, technical, magic, and nature books must be placed in order by date of discovery/invention of the main subject they are about, keeping an accurate timeline of events.
Supernatural, legends and folklore books must be placed in order of credibility, and the bookshelf next to them must contain all the possible proof that justifies this credibility.
Novels and fantasy books must be placed not only in alphabetical order, but also grouped by author, editor, and publisher.
Cooking books must be placed in order of the average popularity of the dishes it contains relative to their place of origin and the country that’s the biggest consumer of said dishes.
Children books must be placed in order of recommended age for them to be read by foals, with picture books organized by the quality of their artwork.
Adult books must be hidden behind the third bookshelf on the right. There is a small button concealed behind it that will open a secret vault, make sure to keep it closed and away from Spike’s eyes.
(Spike here, I know where they are, have read them, and wrote three of them. In fact, half of those books have been written by Twilight’s friends. You should give it a try, it’s hilarious every time we leave one on the bookshelves for her to find and freak out.
Fluttershy holds the current record with 34 books written and 25 faints caused.)
(Oh yeah, the instructions, I will send you the rest of the guide later. And thanks for defending the castle.)
Your happy employer,
Spike.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I left you some Paroxetine on the kitchen counter. Please take them, I don’t want you going insane before I enact my plan.
Your pseudo-psychiatrist,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Spike,
I have a few ideas for a book. Are there bets involved?
Your inspired maid,
Starlight Glimmer.
Author's Note
This chapter was inspired by Why Princess Twilight Doesn't Need Royal Guards, which if you haven't read yet, you should.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I know that things have gotten worse over the last months, and they weren't very good from the start, but I know that you will pull through in the end.
It has always been just you against the world, and you have endured everything it threw at you, no matter how much it hurt.
You’re a brilliant pony with a wide variety of skills. You can do this! Just a little more effort and you will finally feel happy. It has to happen eventually.
Just remember that [wet stains make the rest of the text illegible]
Your only friend,
Starlight Glimmer.
PS: I almost forgot; Happy birthday Starlight!
Starlight, this is Spike, I found your letter in the trash.
You don’t have to be alone. You don’t need this revenge. You need friends to support you.
I sent a letter to the ponies of Our Town and they said that even if you lied to them, they don’t hold ill will towards you. Even if it was through evil means, you did give them a purpose to stay together and help each other. You made a lot of friendships possible thanks to that, so they are willing to forgive you and even welcome you back to the town. You can get that old life back with a new perspective that I promise you, it will make you feel happy.
Twilight also forgives you for everything, and will be the first to offer you help once you come out from hiding.
I know I’m asking a lot out of you, but I just want to help.
If you don’t feel ready for all of this, start with me. My offer to spend some time together away from everything still stands, and I won’t pressure you into anything you don’t want.
Your concerned friend,
Spike.
PS: Happy birthday. I left you a present in the kitchen, I hope you like it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I have been thinking a lot recently, and I wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I snuggled with you without your consent, I ate your food, I threatened you multiple times, I brainwashed a whole village and your friends. And you still want to help me.
I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I selfishly want it.
My life has lacked meaning ever since my only friend left me behind, and I’ve been lashing out against everypony around me, keeping them apart as I sank further into my own personal misery.
I honestly don’t know what to do about yours or Spike’s offer, and I feel like I’m just wasting your time. I don’t know what to do about anything in my life anymore.
Your regretful enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
There seems to have been a problem with the censoring spell, but I managed to fix it. I hope it won’t cause any problems between you and Twilight.
Your watchful monarch,
Princess Celestia.
Dear Twilight [CENSORED],
I have been [CENSORED] a lot recently, and I wanted to say [CENSORED].
I [CENSORED] you without your consent, I ate your [CENSORED], I [CENSORED] you multiple times, I [CENSORED] a whole village and your friends. And you still want to [CENSORED] me.
I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your [CENSORED]. But I selfishly want it.
My [CENSORED] has lacked [CENSORED] ever since my only friend [CENSORED] me behind, and I’ve been [CENSORED] everypony around me, keeping them [CENSORED] as I sank further into my own personal [CENSORED].
I honestly don’t know what to do about yours or Spike’s [CENSORED], and I feel like I’m just [CENSORED] your [CENSORED]. I don’t know what to do about [CENSORED] in my [CENSORED] anymore.
Your [CENSORED] enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.
After finishing reading the letter to Twilight, Spike tore the paper into pieces and jumped on top of the cutie map.
“Starlight! Could you please just talk to us?! We want to help you, but we need you to take the first step. You’re talking with the princess of friendship and her assistant; you can trust us with your problems. And you know we want only the best for you. So please, come out of hiding so we can help you.”
The dragon and alicorn waited for an answer, hoping that Spike’s words had finally managed to pierce the unicorn’s sturdy walls protecting her feelings.
A minute passed. No answer was given.
Another minute passed. Still no answer.
After one more minute, the deafening silence was broken by a shaky voice.
“Okay…”
Author's Note
Two more chapters remaining!
Dear possible friends.
So, how do I put this? My now official landlord, Princess Twilight, has been helping me deal with some problems of my past regarding a certain friend, and to help that process, she suggested getting some new friends.
The problem with that is; I don’t really know anypony who I haven’t done or tried to do something bad. Like, brainwashing, destroying their friendship, stealing their cutie marks, all of that.
However, since you don’t have a cutie mark, you’ve helped me before, and I’ve done nothing against any of you, I was wondering if you would like to hang out sometime here in the castle? Play some games? Drink hot coco? Eat some cupcakes? What do you say?
~~Am I doing this right?~~
Your possible new friend,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Starlight Glimmer.
This sounds like it would be a lot of fun. Count me in!
Your new friend,
Discord.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I do have a cutie mark, so if you promise not to take it away, I think it would be a good way to unwind from a day of scheming.
Your new comrade,
Cozy Glow.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I would gladly spend some time with you instead of remaining in this cursed cell. However, you would need to ask Celestia to let me go out on parole to do so.
Your new associate,
Lord Tirek.
Dear Lord Tirek,
I can take care of that easily.
Your prison breaker,
Discord.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
I was about to deny your offer, but it suddenly got really interesting, so I will join your little group. I expect some very good cupcakes.
Your new acquaintance,
Queen Chrysalis.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Do you have room for one more?
Your recently resurrected possible future ally,
King Sombra.
“And that’s what happened,” Starlight finished explaining to Twilight, with all the major villains of Equestria, plus one filly, waiting patiently behind her to be let inside the castle.
Twilight’s jaw was burrowing into the ground. “H-how? How did you even–?”
Discord blew a raspberry. “Oh, liven up Twilight, this is just in good fun.”
The alicorn frowned. “Your definition of fun is not healthy for anypony. And I can’t just let you-”
“Letter from Celestia,” Spike interrupted her, handing her the piece of paper.
Twilight quickly opened it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I want to see where this is going.
Your intrigued monarch,
Princess Celestia.
“What?! But how am I going to make sure they don’t do something nefarious?” Twilight exclaimed.
“That’s why I’m here!” Luna shouted from behind the crowd.
“Hey, if you’re going to stay with us, at least dress accordingly,” Chrysalis complained, and Luna rolled her eyes before turning into Nightmare Moon.
“Does anycreature want cupcakes?” Spike offered, and the crowd agreed as they pushed Twilight aside so they could enter the castle.
Once they were alone, Starlight looked downcast. “I ruined everything again.”
Twilight sighed. “No, you did exactly what I told you to do. It’s just… these aren’t the kind of friends that will help you feel better.”
Starlight sat down. “They were the only ones that came to my mind.” She put her hooves against her face. “I’m a lost cause.”
Twilight gently pushed her hooves aside. “You’re not a lost cause, you’re just still learning. Me and my friends passed through a lot of friendship lessons before we became who we are today. I don’t expect you to do the same in just a couple of days.”
Starlight looked up at her landlord. “What do I do then? Tell them to leave?”
Twilight looked back at the castle with a frown. “As much as I would like to, denying them what you promised could be more detrimental than just letting them gather in a place where we can keep an eye on them.” The princess took a moment to think, and came up with an idea. “How about you go find one more friend? One that isn’t a public enemy of Equestria.”
“I guess I can try,” Starlight said, not really convinced.
“I’m sure you will do fine Starlight, just relax and be yourself. If you can somehow charm all these villains into eating cupcakes together, getting a new friend will be a piece of cake.” Starlight smiled a little, comforted by her words, and slowly stood up. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to see that our guests behave.”
The alicorn left in a hurry, and Starlight started walking towards the center of the town.
“Okay, who in this town could be my friend? Somepony who doesn’t know me, that’s not an enemy of Equestria, and that’s smart or stubborn enough that I can’t brainwash them if I wanted.” She then saw a small stage being prepared right next to a blue traveling wagon.
“There’s a new pony in town?” Starlight wondered as she got closer. “Uh! She seems to be a magician.”
Author's Note
And so, this story concludes. At least until I start a new one, more elaborate and less lettery, right where this one ended.
I hope you liked this little side project, I know I did, and don't forget to go read the original version of this story with Queen Lovebug.
Now, I'm going to sleep.
Goodnight!
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise.
Your actions in the town I made, with my own efforts, that wasn’t bothering anypony outside of it until you came to ruin it because of that cursed piece of furniture you have in the entrance hall, have left me with nothing more than an undying desire to destroy you.
That’s why I’ve taken residence in your ~~unnecessarily big~~ little castle, so I can keep a close eye on your activities to make my plan as flawless as possible.
“Since when have you been spying on me?” you may ask. Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that food has gone missing in your kitchen for the last three days.
That’s right! ~~I don’t have any money so~~ You’re unwillingly feeding your own enemy, adding fuel to the machine that will produce your doom! (By the way, the machine works better with some hot coco, so if you can add it to your shopping list, I will be merciful on your existence.)
I’m sure the other big question in your head will be; “Why not just stab you while you sleep?”
Ha! You think I’m not aware that alicorns are immortal beings invulnerable to physical damage? I won’t fall into such obvious trap.
But don’t let that make you feel safe from me. There are worse ways I can make you suffer! Like the one I’m preparing right now! Do you want a small clue as to what it is? Well, ~~it’s a~~ ~~it involves your~~ I won’t tell you for now. Just know that it’s going to make you regret ~~making me rethink my life choices~~ ruining my town with your ~~logic~~ friendship.
Your sworn enemy,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Princess Celestia,
Remember that cult leader that lived right next to the middle of nowhere? She claims to be hiding in my castle and planning “my doom” as she puts it.
I’m surprised that I didn’t realize it sooner, the missing food should have been a dead giveaway
(This is Spike. Twilight blamed me for the missing food, and I blamed Owlowiscious, and I think Owlowiscious blamed the rock-rats that live in the walls, so none of us tried to investigate who was actually doing it. I feel like there is a lesson to learn here, but that’s Twilight’s job.)
(I missed the rest of what Twilight was saying, but she basically wanted to ask you if alicorns are immortal. Otherwise, we are not really concerned about Starlight. We will search for her later when we gather the rest of the girls.)
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Seen 16:02 ✓✓
Your proud mentor,
Princess Celestia.
Dear Department of Pest Control,
This is an order from the princess of friendship, you must send a team ASAP to the castle of friendship in Ponyville to deal with a large infestation of cockroaches. It is imperative that you resolve this issue as quickly as possible so ~~Twilight can stop freaking out~~ I may resume my duties as princess without much delay.
Thank you for your time,
~~Spike~~ Twilight Sparkle.
Dear princess Twilight Sparkle,
We will send a team right away. Considering the size of your castle and the amount of pesticide it would take to clear it out, it would cost you around 13,450 bits for the full service, plus an additional 500 for the immediate service.
Dear Spike,
I couldn’t help but overhear your cursing about the insane price for getting rid of the cockroaches. May I suggest and alternative method that would only cost you some hot sauce and a sore throat?
Your helpful maid,
Starlight Glimmer.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
WHY ARE YOU SENDING ME COCKROACHES THROUGH SPIKE?! THEY ARE ALL OVER MY BED! I CAN FEEL THEM CRAWLING ON MY COAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SCRUB IT! PLEASE STOP!
Your shuddering mentor,
Princess Celestia.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Your recent action against Celestia has been one of the funniest things I’ve seen in quite some time. You’ve certainly proven yourself a more capable pony than I’ve previously assumed. We may be able to strike a deal in the future.
Your possible ally,
Queen Chrysalis.
P.S: I will make sure that the pictures I took from the event get the front page of every newspaper in Equestria.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Your little show of chaos gave me the biggest laugh since I took over Equestria a millennia ago.
I look forward to more shenanigans between you and the princesses.
Your proud admirer,
Discord.
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
Your acts against the princess has made my imprisonment in Tartarus a bit more bearable today, so I asked my student to leave you a small gift as a thank you. I’m sure that you will find a good use for it.
Your happy benefactor,
Lord Tirek.
