Bayer Mare

by Mica

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Mayor Mare, Comedy
Length: 1426

Mayor Mare suddenly turns into an aspirin tablet

Mayor Mare suddenly turns into an aspirin tablet. Heart attacks in Ponyville plummet.

Idea courtesy of Super Trampoline. Written in under an hour. I am sorry.

Disclaimer: This is a shitfic, expect shitfic content. Typos and poor grammar are for comedic effect. This is a work of fiction. Please call 911 or go the ER if you are having a real heart attack.

Published 2020-10-10 00:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-10 00:10:00 UTC

Leeve balnk fo rauto-nmaed chatper

One day Mayor Mare became a giant circular aspirin tablet. As tall as a door and just as wide, with a ridge in the middle.

Every part of her body was aspirin. Her face was aspirin, her eyes was aspirin, her nose was aspirin (try booping that), her legs were aspirin, her pussy was aspirin, her butthole was aspirin.

Don’t ask why. It just happened. She woke up one morning and realized she couldn’t fit through the door.

“Why am I a giant aspirin tablet?” she wanted to say, but she didn’t because aspirin tablets don’t talk. In fact she doesn’t even think. She’s an aspirin tablet. If aspirin tablets could think I think that would make people really scared. And then the aspirins would all come together and march in the streets and make an aspirin rights campaign with some catchy slogan like “You don’t get to eat that ASS-pirin” or something like that.

So then her council ponies (wait, does Ponyville have a city council, if so I’ve never seen them) all gathered around the mayor and they were like, huh, shit, our mayor’s an aspirin tablet, what do we do?

“Wait, Equestria’s a monarchy right?” one councilpony siad. “Why do we even have a mayor?”

“The mayor is useless. We’re all useless,” another councilpony said. "The Celestialuminati controls everything dumbasses."

So after wallowing in existential dread for 2 minutes while consuming high quantities of liquor, they just stared at the aspirin tablet lying face down on the floor of the town hall.

“I can’t believe this,” one councilpony said. “How can our mayor have just turned into an aspirin tablet overnight!?!?”

“I am in shock. I think I’m gonna have another heart attack,” an elderly councilpony said. And so the other councilponies shoved the elderly councilpony’s head into the crack in the middle of the circular aspirin tablet, where Mayor Mare’s pussy used to be, and he nibbled at the crack with the two teeth he had left. Which is better luck than he had ever had in the bedroom with his late wife.

The aspirin stopped him from having a heart attack. And then when his head came up his face was all covered in white powder like he had snorted coke. And then they were like, “Yay, we’re real politicians now that we do drugs! We’re finally relevan—LAME LAME LAME LAME! Yea they all had the lamest looks on their LAME faces that LAMEness ever LAMEd.

And so then the councilpony didn’t have a heart attack and he could live another year going on holiday to Las Pegasus, ogling mares a third his age, and tapping firm plot.

“Wait so what the hayshould we call Mayor Mare now?” one councilopny asked.

“How about Mayor Aspirin” one concilpony salid.

“How about Bayer Mare?”

“How about we paint it orange and call it Mayor Trump?” another cooncilpony said.

“You need to pay the $4 basillion dollar licensing fee if u want to buy the Trump name,” one councilpony sad.

So then they picked out of a hat and I know they’re gonna pick Bayer Mare. I know for a fact they picked Bayer Mare because HAHA I am the writer and I rigged the ballots, there is no democracy in Equestria, only headcanon police and waifu armies.

So then they filled out the name change form thingy and changed Mayor Mare’s name to Bayer Mare. Bayer Mare couldn’t sign at the X, so the councilponies rubbed the bottom corner of the page on the part of the tablet where ~~Mayor~~ Bayer Mare’s hoof used to be.

Why Bayer Mare? Because this shitfic is sponsored by ~~Bayer~~ lol no, and Super Trampoline came up with this ideaso don’t start bashing me about it. But Bayer is almost synonymous with aspirin. I guess it’s like Jello, because jello’s the only big brand of gelatin so now if you call it flavored gelatin dessert instead of Jello that’s just ~~plain gelatin~~ plain weird. But you should buy generic, it’s way cheaper. Generic aspirin, not generic Jello.

Bayer Mare couldn’t walk so the concilponies had to carry Bayer Mare to the podium for her first speech of the day (she can’t talk or think but she still has pronouns. Come on it’s fucking 2020, everyone/pony/creature/thing has to have prefred pronouns).

Bayer Mare had her 2 uninterrupted minutes to do her speech and it was the most quiet speech ever made (except for Obama, when he pauses mid-sentence). The whole twon square of ponies heard nothing but teh birds and the bees singing in the trees and Fluttershy was humming What Is This Place, Filled With So Many Wonders? She does that at every Mayor Mare speech because she hates politics and likes to drown it out, but this time everypony could hear Fluttershy’s quiet singing. They all glared at her, and then she got a heart attack from all the attention. But they let Fluttershy eat a small chonk of Bayer Mare and then she was ok.

And then after Bayer Mare finished her 2 minutes silent speech everypony cheered, because that was the best 2 minute speech a politician ever gave in 2020.

And now Joe Biden is in Ponyyille because he wants to know the secret and turn Donald Trump into Bayer Trump, so then he can shut up Donald Trump at ~~the second presidential debate~~ oh never mind lol that’s not happneing.

Cranky Doodle ate the par tof the aspirin tablet that used to be Mayor Mare’s hair, so then he lived another day without a heart attack, and he can finally add more to his toupee collection until it’s bigger than Elton Jon’s and Dondald Trumpo’s toupee collections combined. And he can finally keep it up for more than 5 minutes and please his loving wife. So they stayed at home for the rest of theyre living days in their bedroom making wild abandoned luv. At their age, they should be staying at home anyway becuase of covid, so it works out.

Rarity ate the part of the aspirin tablet that used to be Mayor Mare’s heart so then she finally had a Beautiful Heart like the theme song says. And all the stallions fell in love with her sexy beautiful heart and DWK kicked them out because he was like “GET OUT SHE’S MY WAIFU”, but then Rarity said, “Gentlemen, I am woman enough for ALL of you,” and she took dick from all of them 5 times in a row 5 times a night.

And then Applejack stopped nibbling her hat and went to nibble the aspirin instead, which made her heart more Faithful and Strong. She had better bloodflow to her nether reiogns. Which made her even gayer than she was before and from then on she didn’t just turn gay for stupid sexy Rainbow Dash, she also turned gay for Pinkie Pie and Rarity and Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer (STAY CLEAR OF HER, AJ, SHE’S MY @!*#$!!! WAIFU). And soon Applejack was gay for everypony in Ponyville, and gaying with them 50 times in a row, 50500 times a night.

Then everypony was like, “WOW! We should eat Bayer Mare so we can be awesone n relevant like the Mane 6!” (But alas no, because they are background ponis and they are destined to be in the background forever. They shalt be forgotten. Cowering beneath the shadows.)

So then all the background ponies, in order of importance, got into a line to each do a line of aspirin, one by one. (First in the line was ~~Applejack~~, then LYra, then Bonbon, then Derpy, then

After they all chewed and swallowd the aspirin

Everypony stopped having hert attacks, and so everything was good.

So then the last crumb of aspirin was gone and so Bayer Mare was gone. She was gone forever. What was the legacy she left in her wake? Everypony in Ponyville stopped having heart attacks. So then they could all have sex with each other without collapsing. So the Mayor turned everyone into horny sluts.

But if that’s the case, then Mayor Mare must be the biggest horny slut of them all.

Because she’s inside every pony in Ponyville.

Author's Note

Now excuse me while I go wash out my eyes in some bleach :pinkiecrazy:

Also, on a side note, the 10th anniversary of Friendship is Magic is tomorrow. I wonder if this is the kind of story the show creators wanted FiM to be remembered by. :facehoof: