My wife is a MONSTER!

by PRlNCESS CADENCE

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Sex, Flash Sentry, Sonata Dusk
Length: 4745

Flash Sentry thought being married would be the best thing in the world. He should have married someone else.

Who was that one girl who was actually kinda hot but went crazy and tried to attack everyone at school last year? Huh, that really doesn't narrow it down too much, does it? Well, either way, she's right over there, and now that basically everyone's forgotten about what happened, she's gotta be ready to move on from that whole ordeal, right?

Those were the last words Flash Sentry thought before getting caught up in the biggest mistake of his life. Word to the wise: never get married.

Published 2020-10-10 06:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-10 06:20:00 UTC

Send help!

It felt so warm. He knew that he shouldn’t stay there, but the blissful softness hugging his body was too comfortable to let go of quite yet. Maybe just five more minutes. He didn’t even need to fall back asleep, even though his eyelids were trying their best to coax him back into the dream world where he could once again return to his heavenly fantasies. Besides, the subtle ray of sunlight tickling his nose would prevent him from getting too engrossed in any otherworldly pleasures for the time being.

“Darling, it’s morning.”

Not yet. He wasn’t ready for it to be morning yet. He’d work his way up to leaving the comfort of his covers eventually, but if he left the warmth of his fluffy blankets already, he would probably die from the bitter cold that awaited him outside.

“Wakey, wakey! I’ve got breakfast ready for you!”

Breakfast already? He couldn’t. How could anyone even think about eating when he still had that residue left in his mouth from all the drooling he’d done in his sleep? Actually, how could he even think about opening his mouth when he couldn’t even open his eyes? Maybe he could at least muster that much, now that he thought about it. He’d been lying there long enough to where the light pouring through his window was starting to irritate his eyelids anyway.

Finally, with a deep, quiet groan, the blue-haired boy finally squinted his eyes open, taking in the sight of his brown bed sheets, his feathery pillow, and a pair of bright, magenta eyes looking back at his sleepy face.

“Good morning, darling.”

And just like that, his eyes shot open as wide as they could go.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!”

The blue-haired boy then sat up as quickly as the adrenaline would allow, scooching backwards until his spine bumped into the headboard behind him. The girl in front of him, however, continued to crawl closer, bringing her face up to his until their noses practically rubbed together. She either didn’t notice how much his body was shaking or completely ignored him altogether, her lips curling upwards as a hard lump went down the boy’s throat. The nightmare he thought he’d had earlier wasn’t a nightmare after all.

“Awwww! You’re so excited that you practically jumped out of bed! I didn’t know you liked my cooking that much!”

Oh, right. This was his life now. Or, rather, this was his wife now.

“S-Sonata!” the boy said, looking away and sweating as the girl’s face approached ever closer. “Y-You’re awake already, huh?”

“Yup! I wanted to make sure that my snuggly, wuggly hubby had breakfast ready for him as soon as he woke up, especially since we have such a big day planned for today!”

Flash gulped again. “Big day? Again?”

“Well, duh! We’ve only been married for a week! We’re still on our honeymoon, you know.”

Great. Another long day. He’d already told his workplace that he needed a week off for marital reasons (or rather, Sonata had done it for him), but this was the last day of his vacation, where he was no doubt going to be spending every waking moment under Sonata’s total command. He’d always imagined that his newlywed life would be primarily composed of doing the pants-off-dance all day while vacationing somewhere in Las Pegasus, yet Sonata had managed to steal his dreams in more than one way.

How did he even get roped into something like this? Well, funny story about that…

“Hey, doesn’t that girl look familiar?”

Flash looked over his shoulder, sipping on a soft drink as he casually glanced around the mostly-vacant Whataburger. A girl with blue hair had suddenly walked in all alone, holding onto her arm while her eyes stared down at her shoes, sighing deeply before lifting her head to look up at the menu. Of course this girl would look familiar; she was one of the three siren girls who tried to make the entire school part of her zombie army for… reasons. He still didn’t get that part, but the even bigger question right now was why she was alone and why she looked so upset.

Well, there was no real point in worrying about it now. It’d probably be best if he didn’t stick his nose into other people’s business, even if it was still up in the air whether or not she was even classified as a person.

“Yeah,” Flash Sentry replied, turning towards his group of friends again. “It’s one of the girls from the battle of the bands.”

“Dude. She’s HOT!”

The blue-haired teen momentarily stopped sipping his drink enough to give his friend a dull stare. “Don’t tell me you already forgot why she dropped out of school in the first place.”

“Seriously? You’re gonna bring up that old news? Just look at her, man!”

Flash once again glanced over his shoulder as casually as he could, doing his best not to elicit any unwanted attention, and as much as he hated to admit it, the girl was definitely pretty. Still, though, it wasn’t like Canterlot had a shortage of cute girls his age. No reason to get involved in someone who would probably end up ruining his reputation, not that it mattered much now that he had finally graduated.

“Whatever,” Flash replied. “You guys can ogle her all you want. I’m staying out of this one.”

“You scared, bro?”

Flash tilted an eyebrow. “What’d you say?”

“Face it, man! She’s way out of your league! If you tried talking to her, she’d probably shut you down in the first ten seconds!”

The blue haired boy shook his head, squeezing his cup in aggravation. “I’m not falling for it, guys. Leave me out of it.”

“Who was that one girl you had a thing for last year? Twilight Sparkle? Man, she really shot you down! Both of them did!”

At this point, Flash slammed his paper cup onto the table, leaning in towards his friends and glaring daggers. “She didn’t turn me down. She just went back to her home in Equestria, and as for that other Twilight girl, she just… wasn’t my type.”

“Right, and I’m sure that blue-haired chick isn’t your type either, right?”

Once again, he looked back at the blue-haired girl standing at the front of the line, grimacing as she peered over the menu like it was written in some foreign language. Then, with a sigh, Flash turned towards his friends with a stoic face and said, “If I go talk to her, will you guys finally drop the whole Twilight thing?”

His friends immediately nodded, leaving him with no other choice than to stand up from the table and walk towards the cash register with his chin up and shoulders back. He didn’t necessarily need to hit a home run with this girl right off the bat, but so long as he wasn’t completely turned down in the first ten seconds, hopefully his friends would stop pestering him. Besides, Flash enjoyed the whole flirting thing. He was good at it. He even got the queen of Canterlot High to date him, even though she ended up using his popularity to have even more influence over the school and called him a “whiny loser baby” that one time. That part was a little unnecessary, even if it happened while he was breaking up with her.

Once he finally got close enough for the blue-haired girl to notice him, however, he flashed his pearly whites and spoke in the most gentle voice he could. “You need anything? You look like you could use some help over here.”

“Oh, not really,” she replied, dropping her eyes to her feet again. “I was just looking is all.”

“I can tell you what’s good here. Me and my friends come all the time.”

He could see that she was beginning to grimace more and more with every word he spoke, making him worry about both the possibility of making her feel uncomfortable as well as how much his friends were probably laughing their pants off right now. He had to do something to save this before he ended up ruining her night and his, but right when he was about to speak again, he saw the girl in front of him open her mouth.

“No, really, I’m fine. I don’t think I can afford anything on this menu after all.”

Flash’s eyebrow rose. “But… it’s like two dollars a burger.”

“Yeah… My sister took my dinner money… and kicked me out…”

“Wait, she kicked you out of your house?!”

“No!” Flash quickly breathed a sigh of relief, at least until she finished her sentence. “She kicked me out of our dumpster…”

The teenage boy waited for a punchline for probably a good twelve seconds, and during the entire duration of the silence, the girl’s cheeks began to blush a deeper shade of pink. Finally, his jaw dropped. He’d come over here just to hit on her and possibly get rejected in the process, but what was he supposed to do after getting a bomb dropped on him like that?! Suddenly, getting her a burger seemed like the least he could do.

“You know,” he began, “if you want, I could get you something to eat. I mean, it really wouldn’t be a big--”

“WHAAAAAAT?!”

Flash flinched and quickly looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was looking at them, and to his dismay, basically everyone in the restaurant had overheard her sudden ejaculation. If he didn’t calm this girl down quick, his friends would give him even more grief than before.

“Really! It wouldn’t be a big deal!”

“B-b-b-b-but wouldn’t that make this a… d-d-d-d-d-d-date?”

Flash tilted his head to the side. “Uhh… I guess? Wait, you don’t have a boyfriend, do you?”

Suddenly, the girl’s entire face turned red, her hands shaking as they vainly attempted to hide her blushing cheeks. “Boyfriend? Hang on! I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet! I don’t even know your name!”

The boy continued to stare blankly at the panicky girl in front of him, running his hand through his hair while he tried to understand this girl’s thought process. “I… guess I should probably introduce myself, huh? I’m Flash Sentry. What’s your name?”

Flash then held out his hand, and as the blue-skinned girl went out to reach for it, he moved in the remaining distance that she was too hesitant to close. He could feel how much she was shaking, but hopefully he’d be able to clear up this whole misunderstanding quick, buy her dinner and go back to hanging out with his friends.

“M-m-m-m-my name is Sonata Dusk. So then… should I call you Flash Sentry, Flash, or…” Sonata gulped. “...D-Darling?”

The teenage boy groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Hang on! I thought I was just buying you dinner! I didn’t know I was asking you to marry me!”

Then, at the very next moment, the light faded from Sonata’s eyes, and before he could react, she dramatically collapsed into his arms, sleeping like a baby with her arm draped over her eyes. Flash quickly looked around him, praying that nobody was paying attention to them, but yet again, he was surrounded by the clamor of applause, cheers and confetti. He was sure that this whole thing was just one giant prank that his friends had been planning for months. Nobody thought this was for real, did they?

“H-hey!” Flash exclaimed, lightly slapping Sonata on the cheek. “Come on! Wake up! This isn’t funny!”

When Sonata eventually woke up, however, she looked up at Flash with a large, sleepy smile, lifting up her hand to caress the boy’s cheek. Flash flinched in surprise, pulling away Sonata’s hand, but now that the idea was in her head, he needed to find a way to pull it back out before she went and signed the marriage paperwork without his permission.

“Darling, how are you always so warm?”

Flash suddenly looked down, realizing that he was still holding Sonata around the waist and instinctively pushed her away, leaving her wobbling back up to her feet. This joke had gone on long enough.

Digging into his pockets, the boy pulled out whatever cash he had on him, held it out to the blue-skinned girl and said, “Here! Eat whatever you want! I’m going back to my friends.”

Sonata quickly grabbed onto the money before it floated down to the floor, watching as Flash turned his back and stomped away with a fuss. He had only made it a few steps away, however, before he could hear her giggling quietly behind him.

“Oh, honey. This is soooo us, don’t you think?”

Finally, with his anger flaring up, steam puffing out of his ears, he turned around and shouted, “No! This is not ‘so us’! There is no ‘us’! There’s only you buying a dang burger and going back to your dumpster!”

He knew he shouldn’t have said that, but he didn’t realize that the crowd around him would take it even worse than Sonata.

“Boooo!”

“She deserves better!”

“Is that any way to talk to your spouse?!”

“What would your children think?”

Flash was about to turn towards them to give them a piece of his mind as well, but before he could do that, he was abruptly caught off guard by the sound of sniffles right next to him. The crowd may have been more upset than Sonata, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t upset too. In fact, her eyes were beginning to turn red as small water droplets fell down her cheeks and a comedic bubble inflated from her nose.

“B-but Darling…” she sniffled. “It’s gonna be so c-c-c-old tonight. I just wanted… I just…” Then, before he even had the chance to diffuse the situation, she began bawling at the top of her lungs, pressing her hands to her eyes as the floodgates opened up. “I just wanted to make you happyyyyyy! Waaaaahhhhh!!!!”

Flash flinched, and turning towards his friends for support, he saw them all with their arms folded, shaking their heads in disapproval. How had the tables turned on him this quickly? All he wanted was her phone number, not to end up taking her home! Still, though, it wasn’t like he had much of an excuse to decline the offer. He did live on his own, after all, and it wasn’t like he could just turn down a homeless girl because he thought she was weird. She wasn’t dangerous; she was just… stupid.

Then, with a deep sigh, Flash put his hands to his hips and quietly grumbled, “Alright. Fine. I’ll let you stay the night.”

Sonata suddenly stopped bawling, albeit still with a few hesitant sniffles. “Y-you mean it? You’re not kicking me out?”

“...I have a feeling I’m going to regret this.”

He regretted it immediately.

The following morning, he woke up to Sonata wearing nothing but an apron that read “Kiss the Bride” while trying (and failing) to make eggs and pancakes. Right when he was about to freak out, however, she calmly let him know that this was just what married people do and that she had taken care of the paperwork for him already. Even though it was always his dream to wake up to a butt-naked girl cooking him breakfast, it kind of lost its luster after finding out that said butt-naked woman had also forged his signature on a legal document. He was now officially married to Sonata Sentry.

“Anyway, I’m glad you’re up, dear!” she said after explaining the situation. “And how about Mr. Noodle over here? Is he up too?”

Sonata poked at Flash’s pajama bottoms with a wink, but Flash immediately pulled his covers over his crotch and backed away with flaming red cheeks. “Sonata! Don’t give my penis weird nicknames!”

“Ah, ah, ahhh~!” she replied, waving her finger. “I thought we agreed that you’d start calling me babe from now on!”

“I can think of another B-word I’d like to call you…”

“Oh! That reminds me! You’ll need to call work and let them know that you won’t be able to make it in for the next couple of days.”

Flash cocked his head to the side. “Why?”

“Because we’re on our honeymoon! Duuhhhh! We’re gonna have so much sex!”

He could feel his gag reflex suddenly acting up, causing him to slap his hand to his mouth before something happened that would make him feel even more nauseous. Time to change the subject before his first day as a married man ended up with a trip to the emergency room… for her.

“Actually, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about that. He’s kinda hard-headed, you know? He wouldn’t approve of our love. Haha. Ha ha… Sonata, what are you doing?”

“I’m calling your boss.”

Flash’s eyes went wide. “Babe, give me the phone! Seriously, babe! Give it to me right now!”

“Sshhh! Quiet! Can’t you see I’m on the phone? Oh! Hello? Is this Mr. Breezy? Hi! My name is Sonata Sentry, I’m Flash’s wife.”

“WHATEVER SHE TELLS YOU, IT’S NOT TRUE!”

Sonata gave her husband a stern glare before quickly returning to her soothing, energetic voice. “What was that, Mr. Breezy? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you because somebody over here is being an antsy pantsy… Yuh-huh… Oh, we just signed the paperwork this morning… Yep… No, we haven’t tried anal yet, but that’s certainly on the list... Wait, what’s ‘pegging’...? Let’s say maybe to that one. I’m scared but curious… Uh-huh… One week, if that’s alright with you… Really?! That would be great! Thank you, Mr. Breezy! Tootles!”

Sonata then tapped the hangup button on Flash’s phone and flung it onto his lap while the blue-haired boy palmed his face in dismay. How did she even know which number to call?! He couldn’t tell which was worse, having his wife talking about his sex life with his boss or being married to this woman in the first place. Probably the latter, and unfortunately for him, it wouldn’t get better anytime soon.

Fortunately for him, she at least got better at cooking once she finally stopped trying to cut the process in half by turning the stove up to twice the recommended temperature. As for everything else, though, the days seemed to get longer and longer with every passing activity that she came up with. The first day was meeting the sister-in-laws, who nearly talked their way into moving in with the two of them, but thankfully, after reminding them why they kicked Sonata out in the first place, they happily decided to return to their dumpster without her. Flash couldn’t help but feel slightly envious.

The second day was no better, seeing as how she noticed that his home wasn’t fit for a married couple, and before he knew it, all of the money he had been saving up for a new car was suddenly being used on a new bed, kitchenware and home decor. The day after that was spent looking at puppies, and then consoling Sonata with ice cream after finding out that the landlord only allowed fish. With each passing day, things seemed to get worse than before. Newlywed pictures to hang in the apartment. Spending the day at the DMV because Sonata couldn’t figure out how to update her license by herself. Even shopping around for life insurance in case he died! Actually, now that he thought about it, did that mean he’d technically get money if Sonata died first…?

All of this eventually led him to the seventh and final day of rest and relaxation before he’d have to return to work, but Sonata had yet again found some way to fill their busy schedules with even more errands! At least, that’s what it sounded like, and knowing Sonata, it was probably going tombstone hunting and picking out a place where the two of them would be buried together for all eternity.

With a shiver running up his spine, Flash finally asked, “What did you have in mind?”

Sonata blinked in confusion at first, but then giving him a cheerful grin, she said, “The zoo! I told you already that I wanted to see some elephants, didn’t I?”

Flash flinched at first, still hesitant about how Sonata could possibly turn this into something he’d regret later, but maybe this time wouldn’t turn out to be as terrible as the days so far. If he was really going to be married to this girl forever, then maybe he’d be able to get one pleasurable day out of his honeymoon, a day where nothing bad would happen.

The thought made him chuckle inwardly. He knew that with Sonata, there was no such thing as a happy moment…

“Hey, honey! Don’t you think that hippopotamus kinda looks like you a little bit?”

“...You know, as angry as I am, I still want to know how you made that connection.”

“Look! Look! He has your eyes! They’re so grumpy! We should call him ‘Flashy’!”

“Or how about we just call him a hippopotamus?”

Sonata giggled at his response, but Flash rolled his eyes, sticking his hands into his pockets and walking away with slumped shoulders, his wife following close behind. So far, they had been to a total of three exhibits, the hippos, the lemurs and the turtles, and every single visit brought with it some smart-alecky comment that made him regret coming. That thing she said about the turtles… he’d need mind bleach to forget what she said about the turtles…

“Can we just see the elephants next?” Flash asked angrily.

“Nope! Those are last on the list!”

“Yeah, that’s kinda why I want to see them next.”

“Oh! Oh! Look over there! Kangaroos!”

Flash didn’t even have time to turn his head before Sonata wrapped her arm around his, yanking him over to the next closest exhibit where they found themselves staring at a family of marsupials. The blue-haired boy sighed in exhaustion while his wife nudged at his side, pointing energetically towards the animals as they jumped back and forth around their enclosure. Then, as one of them came to a stop, the kangaroo slowly leaned over, and poking his head out of his mother’s pouch was a young joey, which clumsily climbed out of his sack and began joyfully hopping along with all the others.

“Awwwww! See that little one right there?”

Flash sighed, looking up at the sky so that he wouldn’t have to entertain Sonata’s jubilee any more than he had to. “Yeah, that’s great.”

“He’s so adorable! Ooooohhh, I just wanna kidnap you and take you home!”

“Wait, what? Sonata, please tell me you’re joking. That was a joke, right? Sonata, answer me.”

As the blue-haired boy began to panic, though, Sonata latched harder onto his arm, bringing him in closer while her smile spread along her cheeks. “You know, something, Darling? Those two over there remind me of us.”

Flash raised an eyebrow. “Which ones?”

“Those ones!” Flash had to squint his eyes to see what Sonata was talking about, but finally, he noticed a male and female kangaroo standing together, watching their joey bounce happily around the area. “They’re so happy! Oh, I can’t wait until we have kids of our own! Let’s name one of them Sky Wave and the other one Dog.”

Suddenly, Flash Sentry’s eyes went wide. He’d already imagined some pretty terrible things when visualizing his life with Sonata, but thinking about a future with yet another Sonata made him shiver all over. This joke had gone on long enough. He needed to tell Sonata that they weren’t really married, no matter what documents she had signed under his name. He’d been so scared to bring it up all this time, but if he was really going to end up with idiot babies crawling around his house making taco jokes, he’d probably end up losing his mind.

The grimace on his face slowly faded into a small frown, avoiding eye contact while Sonata continued to gawk at the bouncing kangaroos. “Sonata… Listen…”

“I love you.”

“We need to t--Wait! What?!”

Sonata’s excited smile never once faltered, and when she turned to face her husband, she did so with a long, blissful peck on his cheek. “I just realized that I haven’t told you yet! What kind of wife waits until seven days into her honeymoon to tell her husband that she loves him? Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about, dear?”

As much as his conviction was begging him to get how he’d been feeling off his chest just a few seconds ago, now he was suddenly freezing up out of nowhere. This wasn’t fair to Sonata! He couldn’t just pretend to be her husband when he didn’t even like her! At least, he didn’t think he liked her… How could he? The girl was about as dumb as a pound of bricks, and saying that was probably more insulting to the bricks than it was to her! There was no way anyone could like a doofus like her, but if that was really the case, then why was he hesitating all of a sudden?

Flash sighed out a frustrated breath he’d been holding in and hesitantly held Sonata’s arm closer, still avoiding eye contact while he tried thinking of whatever he’d say next. “I wanted to tell you… that you look really pretty today.”

Sonata quickly looked up at Flash with an eyebrow raised, making Flash burn brightly while he continued facing forward, avoiding her gaze as much as he could. “Flash? Are you feeling alright?”

“Seriously?! Am I not allowed to tell my wife that she looks pretty?!”

The blue-skinned girl continued to stare for what seemed like forever, but after a few awkward moments, she finally burst out into laughter, falling over while gripping even tighter onto Flash’s arm. Even when his eyes were straight forward, he could feel the gazes of the people around him, wondering why there was a wild animal hanging onto his arm rather than in an enclosure where she belonged. After the initial hilarity wore off, though, Sonata once again rose to her feet, wiping off a tear while getting out a few more last-minute chuckles.

“Sorry, dear. That was my bad.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just… What was so funny anyway?”

Sonata shook her head. “It wasn’t funny. It’s just… That was the first time you’ve called me your wife. It caught me off guard, but... it made me really happy. Thank you, Flash.”

How did Sonata do this to him?! Right when he was about to end the relationship for good, she made him freeze, even when his whole body was burning up, even when his temper was at its boiling point. He was so angry, so why was he trying so hard not to smile?! This couldn’t really be happening. There was no way that he was really…

Before he could let his thoughts get too carried away, though, he shook his head and turned his body away from the kangaroos. “Come on,” he said gently. “If we don’t hurry, we’ll never get to see the elephants.”

“Yay! Oh, can we see the birds next?!”

Flash grinned, finally turning to face his darling bride. “Birds? Don’t you think we see enough of those at home already? The tigers sound more interesting to me.”

“Darling, it’s adorable how you think we’re not going to see both. I’m talking about Peacocks, Flash! Have you even seen one of those things?! Their tails are humongous!!”

Flash couldn’t help but chuckle, shaking his head in amusement. “Alright, alright. Whatever you say, babe.”

Then, bringing down his hand to interlock his fingers with hers, the two of them briskly began walking towards the next exhibit, both of them walking with a little more confidence than before. In Flash’s mind, he still hated Sonata’s guts with a fiery passion, but maybe if he had a few more days like this one, being married wouldn’t have to be as terrible as he’d initially anticipated. He just had to make it through today first.

“Oh, and by the way, I think I forgot to flush the toilet before we left.”

“...I’m seriously about to throw you into the gorilla habitat.”