Applejack Takes A Math Test
Applejack rolled her eyes again. “I didn’t do what? Is this about that whole Caramel thing again? I already told ya I was sorry about that ages ago!”
Cheerilee spoke with her usual calm, charming demeanor she used whilst teaching her students, “Of course not, what on Earth would give you such an idea? That little incident is long behind us." Cheerilee giggled. "However, I'm sorry Applejack, but you didn’t pass out of mathematics while you attended Ponyville Elementary. And may I also ask what under Celestia’s sun you are doing all the way out here?”
The mares stood out in a barren field on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres, Cheerilee having interrupted Applejack whilst she was digging a hole in the ground.
Applejack kicked a barrel covered with leaves into the hole. “What are ya—" Then Applejack remembered to whom she was speaking with. "—Oh. I was just, uh, planting seeds! Yup, that’s what I like t’do on Wednesdays! That there was a barrel filled with corn seed, and I was just plantin' the corn!”
“Applejack, it’s autumn, and I just saw you kick the entire container into that hole.”
The apple farmer smiled sheepishly. “Well, uh, better late than never, don’t ya think? Oh, and the seeds are in the barrel ‘cuz—uh—the proximity helps them grow faster! Through the power of teamwork. Yeah, that’s why!”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes before opening her green saddlebag. “Never mind. Now, about your mathematics exam—”
“Hold up just a minute, Miss Cheerilee, but that must be some kinda mistake. I distinctly remember gettin’ a C-minus on my final exam. How can y’all make that claim?”
Cheerilee pulled some aged yellow papers from the saddlebag. “I was shuffling through some old documents from our old class, when I came across this.” She hoofed over a piece of parchment to Applejack, who studied it closely. It was obviously a math test, but the hoofwriting was nearly illegible. Applejack couldn’t even read the name poorly scribbled at the top of the page.
“What is this?”
“This is your mathematics final exam from your last year attending Ponyville Elementary, Applejack.”
Applejack shook her head. “No it ain’t, my hoofwritin’ wasn’t nearly this atrocious!”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Applejack, I looked at some of your old files, and, no offense to you, but your overall hoofwriting skills were at an appalling level. Some of the most horrendous I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of poor penmanship since I entered the Ponyville education system.”
Applejack stomped her hoof into the soft dirt. “Alright, alright, for pony’s sake! I didn’t have the incredible hoofwritin’ skills of Celestia. So what? I still passed the test! I’m an elementary school graduate, and proud of it.”
“Actually, Applejack, you didn’t. And aren’t.”
Applejack’s face turned to one of anger. “Whaddya mean I didn’t?” She pointed her hoof at the top of the parchment. “Correct me if Ah’m wrong, Miss Cheer-il-ee, but doesn’t it say ‘C-minus’ right here? And don't you remember Rarity and I from the graduation—”
“Well, it does, but I’m afraid it’s not accurate.”
Applejack stared furiously into Cheerilee’s green eyes. “‘Not accurate’? Consarn it! I’ll show ya ’not accurate’! Why, I oughta—”
“—Upon close examination, I’ve come to the conclusion that our teacher was erroneous in her grading.”
“And how’s that so?” countered Applejack.
“She likely had many tests to grade, and she didn’t have the time to put the effort forth to actually read your terrible hoofwriting. Your twos look like fives, the space between the digits is nearly indistinguishable, and for some reason your elevens look like equal signs! What type of writing utensil did you even use for this? It’s all powdery. It doesn’t appear the slightest bit like graphite. Nopony could grade this without a very close, slow inquiry of all the work.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “That still doesn’t mean ya can say I failed. Did it ever occur to ya in that intelligent head of yours that perhaps our teacher did have the time and she, I dunno, happened to get it right ‘cuz she’s a teacher and all? It’s not like you went and graded it!” Satisfied by this small intellectual victory, Applejack chuckled dimly and turned the other direction.
“As a matter of fact, I did.”
Applejack spun back around. “Ya did what?”
Cheerilee smiled. “I felt it was my responsibility as both a teacher and a citizen of Equestria to grade your mathematics exam. I wanted to make sure you received the proper grade you deserved, so I took the time to closely grade this myself.”
Applejack was speechless. She couldn’t fathom that anypony could actually care enough to do something like that.
“And I’m sorry to say the final results weren’t good. In fact, you received only a twenty-two percent, which, if you don’t know, means you failed the exam.”
Applejack jumped a step backwards, her eyes wide open in shock. “No! That ain’t possible! We Apples may not be in the cream a’ the crop when it comes t’ fancy stuff like multiplyin’ and dividin’, and—” she paused. “‘Retractin’, but this, this is crazy-talk! I remember that exam, and it wasn’t easy, but there ain’t no way in Equestria I did that bad!”
“‘Bad’ isn’t an adverb, Applejack. And you did exactly that bad-ly. I triple-checked.”
Applejack cursed under her breath. “That’s low. But, fine! So what if I failed the darn test? What are ya gonna do—send me back to school? Ha!” Her anger disappeared into a nervous guffaw. There was an uncomfortable gap in the conversation. “Wait, ya can’t do that, can ya?”
Cheerilee’s smirk shifted into a smug grin. “Actually, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Since it’s required by standard Equestrian law for every working pony to have passed the exam and illustrated a basic understanding of simple mathematics, I’m afraid I have no choice but to re-enroll you into Ponyville Elementary.”
Applejack’s laughter ceased, and the mare’s heart sank into her stomach. “What in tarnation? Y’all can’t do that! Ya ain’t got the authority!”
Cheerilee retrieved another piece of parchment out her saddlebag and hoofed it over to Applejack. “I am the sole licensed employee in the education department of the City of Ponyville. Thus, I am the pony here who makes these types of decisions.”
Applejack only glanced at it for a moment before shoving it back in Cheerilee’s face. “Well, aren’t you special? Why don’t y’all take that fancy-schmancy license of yours and show it to somepony who gives a hoot! Y’all are saying nothin’ but crazy talk! Now why don’t ya turn around and get off my property ‘fore I call Big Macintosh. There’s no way I’m-a goin’ back to that place. ”
Applejack made a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn and departed in haste back towards the farmhouse.
Cheerilee’s smile, however, never wavered. “Then I will be forced to report you to Mayor Mare, whose only choice will be to arrest you for breaking the law of academic indecency: a recently approved felony in this part of Equestria, in which case you will be physically forced to attend school.” Cheerilee turned so as to make her way back to the town, but not before glancing back for a biting farewell: “Good day.”
Applejack stopped dead in her tracks. This crazy teacher meant business. She also knew that if she didn’t act fast, she’d soon be sitting next to Apple Bloom doing multiplication boxes! Applejack spun around and galloped back toward the purple mare, before diving and grabbing ahold of her right hind leg. “Miss Cheerilee, Ah’m mighty sorry! I didn’t realize y’all were serious! I thought you was pullin’ a big joke, honest!”
Cheerilee stood facing the other direction for a few seconds, before slowly turning to face Applejack. Her grin had disappeared, and she remained silent as she stared down at the mare below.
“Please, ya gotta understand! I just can’t go back t’school. I need to work the farm, help feed mah family. Y’all wouldn’t want little Apple Bloom goin’ hungry, now would ya? And if my friends found out, it’d be the embarrassment of a lifetime! Can’t you please find it in yerself to let this slide, just this once?
Cheerilee’s smile slowly crept onto her face again. She raised her hoof to her chin. “Hmm. I may be able to . . . forget this all ever happened.”
“Honest?”
“There is one condition.”
“Anythin’, Miss Cheerilee.”
“All I really need from you is a passing exam. If you were to take the test again without me telling anypony, I may swap it with the failed test in your portfolio.”
“Oh, thank ya, I’ll—”
“However, there’s still one condition.” Interrupted Cheerilee. “If I let you do this, you must answer all questions correctly on the exam.”
“What the hay? Y’all just said all ya needed was a passin’ exam!”
“It’s either this, or drawing crayon pictures of Princess Celestia next to the fat little colt who smells like rotten onions. It’s your choice.”
Applejack bowed her head, for she knew that, in truth, there was no choice in the matter.
“I think I can assume you’re smart enough to make the right decision. Meet me in the Ponyville Elementary school house this Saturday at noon. I suggest you study.”
Cheerilee began trotting towards Ponyville again, but suddenly halted.
“Oh. And, Applejack? I suggest you find a better way to hide your apple cider. That was pathetic.”
2 × 2 = ?
“Two times two. I got it this time. It’s four!”
The sisters sat across from one another at the kitchen table. In front of Apple Bloom was piled an enormous stack of flashcards.
“Nice job, sis. It only took ya three times to get that one. If ya have three whole days to study, you’ll have this down for sure!”
“Two and a half.” Applejack sulked.
“Ah, whatever.” Apple Bloom drew the next card in the stack.
15 ÷ 5 = ?
“Uhh . . .” the orange mare squinted at the card. “Is it ten?”
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “No, Applejack! For like the zillionth time, the divide sign ain’t just a fancy minus! The answer’s three.”
The elder sister gulped. “I knew that. I was just—uh—messin’ with ya.”
“Sure ya were. Come on, big sis, why are we doing this? Y’all haven’t had a reason to study math since probably before I was born.”
The mare’s heart sank like a stone. Apple Bloom couldn’t know the truth, but it was just so hard for Applejack to lie.
“Well—um—ya see, Apple Bloom, this ain't like the simple addin' and subtractin' Big Mac and I do when were selling apples at the market. I really need to relearn math like multiplyin' and dividin' ‘cuz—uh—I need it for the harvest! Yup, apple-harvest time’s comin up, and I need to touch up on my math abilities. Gotta know proper math t’apple-buck right.”
A perplexed look appeared on Apple Bloom’s face as she gazed at her sister’s enormous smile. It seemed to radiate equivocation. “Applejack? How would somethin’ like division help ya in kickin’ an apple tree with your hind legs?”
Applejack panicked. “Uh, Big Mac and I are, uh, doin’ somethin’ different this year! Yup, We’re gonna—” Applejack broke off and was silent for several seconds. Apple Bloom stared up at her with a look of overwhelming anticipation. “Gonna have the sheep help us with the harvestin’! I need to be able to divide ‘em off equally to each part of the orchard, and ya know, stuff like that. Yup. It’s very import’nt to relearn this stuff.”
Applejack was quite relieved to see her little sister’s face light up with excitement and leap out of her chair. The filly beamed, placing her front two hooves on the table. “Really? Well, it’s about time! I’ve been sayin’ forever that the farm animals should do their part for the whole. From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.”
Normally, Applejack would have scolded the little filly for the utterance of such communist principles, but In this circumstance, however, the mare was just happy to actually fib her way out of something for a change.
“Alright, little sis, Ah’m glad you’re happy, but we really oughta get workin’ again.”
“Right.” Apple Bloom sat down and drew the next flashcard in the ungainly pile.
9 x 7 = ?
Applejack stared at the card for sixty-three seconds before blurting, “What in the hay? What’s that second doohickey there?!”
Apple Bloom slammed her head face-first into the kitchen table, knocking the entire stack of flashcards onto the floor.
It was going to be a long three days.
“Welcome, Applejack, to your Ponyville Elementary mathematics final exam.”
Cheerilee stood in front of the chalkboard, beside her desk at the head of the classroom. Applejack sat at a lone single desk, situated in the exact center of the classroom.
“I presume you studied?”
Applejack nodded. “Y’all have no idea what ah went through t’prepare for this ‘test’ of yours, Miss Cheerilee.”
“Oh, I’m not so sure about that. Anyways, the exam is a multiple-choice test. To put that into words you might be able to understand, it means—”
“—I know what it means. Now, just give me the darn test!”
Cheerilee and Applejack glared at one another for a view moments, before Cheerilee slowly walked over and placed the piece of parchment on the other mare’s desk. Her hoof made a sharp tap on the desk as she slid the paper across its neat wooden surface. Their eyes remained locked.
“Take all the time you need, and also remember that some questions may have more than one solution. When you complete the exam, you may place it on my desk.” Without another word, Cheerilee turned and exited the schoolhouse, leaving Applejack alone in complete silence.
Applejack gazed down at the test, and was delightfully surprised to see only five questions. She picked up her pencil and began.
1. 10 + 3 =
A. 4
B. 7
C. 13
D. 1
“Are ya serious?” cackled Applejack out loud. She quickly circled letter “C” and moved on to the next question.
2. 14 - 1 =
A. 13
B. 15
C. 14
D. 8
“This is too easy!” Without thought, she circled “A.”
3. 13 x 1 =
A. 1
B. 3
C. 13
D. 31
“How in Equestria did I get a C-minus on somethin’ like this? This is easier than eatin’ a slice of apple pie!” Applejack circled “C.”
4. If Starshine has thirteen apples, and she gives all of her apples to Duskflower, who has no apples, how many apples does Duskflower now have?
A. 0
B. -13
C. 26
D. 13
Applejack needed to think about this one a little bit. “Hmm . . . let’s put it this way. If Big Macintosh had thirteen apples, and he gave them all to me, how many would . . . oh! of course!” She circled “D.”
“Maybe Cheerilee ain’t as bad as I put her out to be. She must really want me to pa—” Then Applejack noticed the fifth and final question.
5. What is forty-eight divided by two times nine plus three?
A. 288
B. 2
C. 219
D. I will see you in class on Monday.
“What the hay?!” Applejack panicked. “This ain’t elementary math, it’s fancy talk! That crazy mare is out to get me!” In desperation, she circled every answer except “D.”
“One a’ those has gotta be right!”
Applejack and Cheerilee sat on opposite sides of the teacher’s desk.
“So how’d ah do, Miss Cheer-il-ee?” groaned Applejack.
Cheerilee smiled. “You did very well, Applejack. You passed the test.”
Applejack’s eyes lit up with excitement. “I passed?! I got that fancy-schmancy last question of yours right?”
“Yes, Applejack, I was impressed with your reasoning abilities in that the order of operations for that equation was undeterminable. Therefore the only viable ‘solution’ was all possible solutions: ‘A,’ ‘B,’ and ‘C.’”
“Hold up, it was a trick question? That’s just mean,” said Applejack, forgetting herself.
“You didn’t know that?”
“Uh . . . well, yeah! ‘Course I used the, uh, you know, order of consternation.” Applejack put on a winning smile. Suddenly, she rose to all fours and looked towards the door. “Well, Miss Cheerilee, apparently I passed my exam, so I think I’ll be on mah—”
“—Not so fast, Applejack.” The mare seemed to flinch, stopping dead in her tracks. “As I was replacing your old mathematics exam with the new in your portfolio, it occurred to me perhaps your other exams from elementary school were inaccurate as well. So I decided to re-grade them!”
Applejack spun to face Cheerilee’s unrelenting smile. The word that sprung to mind was psychopath. “What?!”
“I hope you’re prepared for your exams on Equuish Literature, Pre-classical Pony History, Advanced Magical Theory, and High-Speed Flying!”
Applejack’s mouth hung visibly open during the ensuing seconds of grim silence.
"Oh Applejack, don't be so concerned. Going back to school will be fun! It'll be just like old times, when you and I sat in this very classroom, your delightful cousin Caramel sitting right in between us." A wide nefarious grin materialized on Cheerilee's face.
A look of horror, however, appeared on Applejack's face. “Ah, ponyfeathers! Y'all are actually crazy! I always knew you were a few apples short of bushel, and that's why I didn't let you anywhere near him! And you just became a teacher so you could get back at me, huh?”
Cheerilee didn't answer. After some hard glaring at one another, Applejack decided there was no use in disputing with the deranged teacher and former classmate any longer. Applejack now felt it was her duty as a citizen of Equestria to report this lunatic to Mayor Mare. She turned and stormed towards the schoolhouse door, but before exiting, Applejack faced the grinning Cheerilee one last time and uttered, "I was just protectin' my family! But I guess you wouldn't understand that, since you ain't got any! Now I need to protect Apple Bloom from the likes of ya! You're gonna pay for this!"
Applejack slammed the door behind her, and Cheerilee continued to smile. She laughed whilst speaking out loud, and looked straight up at the ceiling, "Oh, Applejack, you shouldn't be so naive. All you need to do is simply allow me to give him a card on Hearts and Hooves Day or dance with him once at prom."
