The Best Fanfic Ever Written
Once upon a time, there was a place called Equestria that was full of My Little Ponies. In Equestria there was a town called Ponyville, in which lots of cool ponies lived. One of the ponies that lived there was called Devin Davidson, and he could not take jokes.
It was a Tuesday in late August, and the leaves were beginning to color and fall from the trees. Although every time of year in Ponyville was quite beautiful, no other time had trees displaying the warm hues of autumn in such a lively and vibrant fashion as this time. Devin Davidson naturally chose to spend this time writing a terrible self insertion fanfic.
On this particular Tuesday, Fluttershy came by Devin’s house to see how things were going.
“You should come outside and have lunch with us,” Fluttershy said, peering inside. She caught a glimpse of Devin for the first time in weeks: he was pale, pasty white, with unkempt stubble across his face, and in mild need of a haircut. Although he claimed to have been working out, Devin had none of the muscles that that bull dude who sold the self improvement tapes. Fluttershy, sensing a wounded animal, was deeply attracted to him, just like Cameron was in love with House.
“No thanks,” said Devin.
“But I’m deeply in love with you,” Fluttershy said.
“I don’t care,” said Devin.
“I thought I was your favorite,” Fluttershy lamented, beating her fluffy eyelashes in a most attractive manner.
“I only have eyes for Rainbow Dash,” said Devin.
“She’ll be at lunch too!” said Fluttershy. “You can see her and profess your undying love, despite the fact that she’s clearly a mentally retarded lesbian.”
“I have to finish my fanfiction first,” Devin said. “Just wait. It’ll be the best fanfic ever written!”
“Well okay,” Fluttershy said, in the manner of poorly written fanfic dialogue, fully aware that no published author has ever started a line of dialogue with ‘well.’ In her mind, a plan began to form.
Three hours later, after the ponies had eaten whatever the fuck ponies eat in MLP canon, Fluttershy sprang her plan into action.
“Okay, my little ponies,” she said. “Devin is a cute little sick bunny rabbit and he needs our help!”
“Uh, he’s like 22 and writing shitty self insertion fanfic,” said Rainbow Dash. “He’s beyond our efforts. We need to find a professional.”
“I don’t care about anything but fashion,” said Rarity. “Pip pop cheerio.”
“But you love helping others!” said Fluttershy. “Surely we can band together to save a fellow pony.”
“He’s not a pony,” said Applejack, very honestly. “I’ve seen pictures of his dick on the internet and it’s way too small.”
“Ponies have 4 hooves and a tail, a long snout, and don’t really need to eat or have money to survive,” Twilight said. “Devin follows none of those characteristics. Besides, he poops.”
“Oh good heavens!” Rarity exclaimed. “I would never befoul myself with the presence of such a wretched creature. Dearie, dearie me.”
“Actually, um, the show shows us eating and buying food all the time,” said Fluttershy.
“Yes, but only in a superficial consumerist way,” said Applejack. “You can clearly tell that the show is marketed to the children of upper middle class white families, where their only interaction with the supply end of things is to buy products at supermarkets. Have you ever seen mah family do anything that could be construed as actual work? We just sort of play and apples are magically brought to market and sold in a reasonable amount of time for what’s apparently enough to cover labor + overhead. I lie awake every night wondering how this is the case. If apples are so damn profitable, why isn’t there any competition?”
“Because you killed them,” Fluttershy said. “I can’t stress enough how much I disapprove.”
“Well it ain’t like you’re hands are clean either,” said Applejack, confusing ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ because she was a dumb hick. “Why, just a few hours ago, you ate Pinkie Pie with the rest of us!”
“That was necessary, though,” Fluttershy said. “How else would we break the fourth wall this much?”
All of the ponies looked at you.
“We have to help Devin!” said Fluttershy, being assertive because it was convenient for moving the plot forwards.
“Nobody cares about your stupid friend,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Fluttershy has a point,” Twilight Sparkle said. “We can’t just ignore a citizen of Ponyville in need, even if he is dumb and writing a monstrous self-insertion fanfic that’s not fit for being used as firewood. It’s lovely outside, and we need to help him realize that!”
“Bionic arm!” said Applejack. The others waited for her to finish because there’s no X-factor in Fighting is Magic so she couldn’t cancel the recovery.
“I suppose if it’s one of our contractual duties as the Elements of Harmony then there’s no escaping it,” sighed Rarity. “Sigh. Sighhhhhhh.”
“I don’t like him,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Why not?” asked Fluttershy. “We have to love all of Lauren’s creatures here in Ponyville.”
“Because I’m a lesbian and I hate men,” said Dashie.
“Well you’ll have to get over that,” said Rarity. “Despite the fact that he’s trying to write this story to be complimentary towards him on mumble, we have to save him from himself. We can do this. For Queen. For country. For Equestria!”
On that note, they set off on their epic quest to make Devin go outside.
A few minutes later, they clopped up to Devin’s house. Fluttershy clopped on the door to let him know they were there.
“Who is it?” Devin called from his room, where he had been standing for 17 hours. Because of this, his feet swelled up and he thought he had heart disease.
“It’s the mane 5!” said the mane 5.
“Weren’t there 6 of you?” said Devin.
“We ate Pinkie,” said Rarity. “Don’t worry, I purged afterwards, since she’s basically made of cotton candy and therefore would go straight to my thighs.”
“Oh,” said Devin. As a character in the story, he was literally unable to comprehend the ridiculousness of the situation and deal with it in a rational way, just like every character in every sitcom, romantic comedy, drama, and episode of Law and Order.
“Can we come in?” said Fluttershy.
“My fanfic’s not done yet. Besides, it just rained, and I don’t want you clopping shit all over the house.”
“Can we read it anyway?” said Twilight. “I was characterized in Friendship is Witchcraft as loving fanfics, and even though that’s not canon, that has to count for something!”
“No,” said Devin. “Go away.”
“Devin, we care about you!” said Fluttershy, speaking only for herself. “You couldn’t make us go away. We’re going to save you from yourself!”
Devin rose to her challenge and played guitar and made meowing noises until the ponies were so frustrated they couldn’t help but leave.
The next day, the ponies roused themselves bright and early and clopped over to Devin’s house in order to try again. This time, they came equipped with earmuffs in order to thwart his attempts to rid himself of them. When Fluttershy clopped on the door, Devin again answered.
“Who is it?”
“It’s the main 5!” said Fluttershy, lying. Truthfully, it was the main 4. Applejack had gotten drunk the previous night and had driven her tractor plumb through a tree at something like 80 and was in the hospital with multiple compound fractures and a shattered spine.
“I don’t need you anymore!” said Devin. “I made a thread about how Twilight has a bigger cock than Tony on /mlpmature and it got over a hundred upvotes. Why should I care about you when the internet clearly loves me?”
“Devin can we please read what you have done so far in your fanfic?” asked Twilight. “We can help you write it, we swear!”
“You don’t understand,” said Devin. “It’s not a self-insertion fanfic, it’s a parody of self-insertion fanfics that I’m writing just to piss off my friend who dislikes self-insertion fanfics! All of these errors, inconsistencies, bad writing, and improperly used semi colons are ironic! I’m a good writer. I’m also a professional singer.”
“We won’t judge you,” said Fluttershy. “Just let us read it, please.”
“I don’t love you anymore,” said Devin. “I only care about Rainbow Dash.”
All of the other ponies looked at Rainbow Dash with pleading eyes. Dashie rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll do it.”
“Devin, I loooooooooove you,” said RD with as much sarcasm as an internet forum. “I want to have your foals and live my life with you. Please open the door so I can fuck you to death.”
“Okay,” said Devin, opening the door.
“Surprise!” said the main 4, busting in. “I don’t actually love you,” said Rainbow Dash. “I hate dicks, ever since I saw yours on the internet. I only like chicks now.”
Rarity held down Devin most daintily whilst Fluttershy retrieved his fanfic from the other room.
“Let’s read it!” said Twilight.
Here is what they read:
Once, there was an electric fan named Devin McPonyson. It was a badass electric fan, with programmable special features. All of the other fans; were jealous of it.
One day, that fan went to Ponyville, where all of the ponies were mysteriously fans.
“Hello!” said Rarity, who was now a fancy ladie’s fan. “Wow you are a cool fan. I wish I was as cool as you.”
“No problem,” said Devin. He then solved the plot of this week’s episode instantly with his nifty power saving programmable speed settings.
“I love you Devin!” said Rainbow Dash, who was a cool athletic fan and not at all a lesbian.
“Cool!” said Devin.
Everyone laughed, since it was funny that he said ‘cool,’ being a fan.
“Let’s have fan sex!” said Devin.
“Yay!”
“There’s no plot in this,” said Twilight. “You used semi-colons incorrectly. It seems to be pure wish fulfillment.”
“IT’S A PARODY,” said Devin angrily, linking an article that didn’t actually apply to what he had written. “YOU CANT ARGUE WITH ME. LOGIC.”
“Oh, my, that was quite terrible,” said Rarity.
“I think I’m going to kill myself,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Me too,” said Rarity. They proceeded to have a sexy lesbian bath together for several minutes before submerging Devin’s toaster and turning it on.
“Wow I thought they were joking,” said Fluttershy, as the lights dimmed to the screams of her friends.
“Oh no,” said Devin. “What will I do now that Rainbow Dash is dead?”
Suddenly, Tony entered. He was a cool athletic guy with great hair and fashion sense and a large penis.
“Have my babies!” said Fluttershy and Twilight together.
“Hi Devin. Remember me? Your friend? Or at least I was before you alienated me by writing that terrible fanfic. Well, we could do things together. We’re actually working on several projects simultaneously right now, but you refuse to render those scenes from that movie or sing those parts. Unfortunately, I hate you now because you wrote that fanfic.”
“Nooooo!” said Devin, realizing what he had done. “I’m sorry!” he cried.
“It’s too late!” said Tony, killing Devin with cool ninja moves.
“Wow!” said Twilight and Fluttershy together. “Impregnate us!”
“No thanks,” said Tony. He walked off into the sunset, where Luna, Vinyl Scratch, and Octavia met him and had a sick ass foursome.
The end.
