Plead the Fifth? Baby, I Can’t Count Past Three
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Anon is Incarcerated Due to His Involvement in the Transportation of Crack Cocaine
Plead the Fifth? Baby, I Can’t Count Past Three
Author's Note
I’m unbelievably drunk and because I can’t control my own hyperfixation, of course I decided that writing a shit post based off a picture I laughed at would be the greatest idea. That picture would be the one that I used for this “story’s” artwork.
I’m just gonna forget this was ever created, you should too. 👁👃👁
Plead the Fifth? Baby, I Can’t Count Past Three
Princess Celestia sat in awe. She was the eternal goddess of the sun, immortal ruler of the ponies and banisher of evil most foul. She has seen many things, many good—many bad. She has seen life flourish, and seen life flounder.
She has seen many things.
She’s never seen anything like this.
She sat behind the box that oversaw court proceedings—a case this massive must have her judgement after all. She had expected many things. Murder, mass murder, slightly larger than average murder. Perhaps even a drop of un-permited beatboxing, which was of course, always met with the death penalty.
She was not excepting Anon of the human race; and recently appointed delegate of said race, to be charged with the transportation of 152,780 pounds of crack cocaine.
She certainly didn’t expect it a week from his arrival.
“...How does the defendant plead?” Her voice was almost a whisper, the sheer monumental charge still rattling the inside of her brain case.
Anon of course had a lawyer—one of the best as a matter of fact. Probably due to Anon’s over night wealth. She knew it to be that fact, because the lawyer’s suit pockets bulged with an absurd amount of bits, which spilt on the floor periodically.
“My defendant pleads not guilty!”
This shocked Princess Celestia. A rather strong plead deal had been given to the defendant due to the fact he was an endangered species. Why wouldn’t he take it? The evidence was literally larger than the courtroom itself.
Celestia looked to the jury, almost wanting to ask them if this was all one big elaborate joke, before one the members of the jury shouted. “That’s not the worst charge, Princess!”
She quirked her brow. He was right, there was another charge on her pape—
“Oh, sweet mother...“
The charge. It was...
”TAX EVASION!?” Her own words caused an outrage amongst the crowd of ponies. Ponies started crying, screaming, and even vomiting at the pure horror of the charge.
She slammed her gavel. “Order in the court, order in the court!” It was still pure pandemonium in the court, even after she used her Canterlot voice. So she simply bellowed out to the defendant.
“HOW DO YOU PLEAD!?” The question seemed to silence everypony in the room. Their eyes locked on the Anon and his lawyer.
Anon nodded to his lawyer. The pony than spoke “Not guilty!”
Everyone was in uproar again.
“Horse feathers!”
“He’s a monster!”
“No one escapes the IRS!”
Celestia saw a glint in Anon’s eye. She didn’t like it. He had a plan.
She didn’t even bother smacking her gavel, she simply flared her wings and shouted for silence, her horn lighting up so bright it nearly blinded everyone in the room.
“Tell me!” She pointed at Anon after everyone had gone completely silent. “How do you believe you are innocent? What could you possibly have in this court proceeding that could guarantee your freedom?” She narrowed her eyes. “Perhaps you plan to escape?!”
Anon shook his head and whispered into his lawyer’s ear. His lawyer nodded.
“Your majesty, if I may?“
After a moment of hesitation she nodded.
“My client has pled innocent on all accounts, because he believes his word is more important than any evidence against him.”
She scoffed. “What could he possibly say that could convince me that the evidence at hand isn’t enough to find him guilty, sentenced to death?”
The lawyer sighed. “Ma’am.” He took off his sunglasses, which was strange considering they weren’t there before.
“My employer has pled that he is built different.”
Everybody was silent. Even Celestia.
Nobody has plead ‘built different’ for thousands of years! And here Anon was, pleading just that. The lawyer was nudged by Anon, he blinked.
“Huh? Oh! Sorry. Princess Celestia, my defendant actually pleads ‘Built different, deadass.’
Her eyes widened. Did he just—?
Her heart nearly gave out as a magic signature far stronger than her own bloomed inside the courtroom, nearly blinding her with its aura. It was staggering, causing her to drop her gavel and flinch back.
“Wha—?”
She tired to peer through the monumental magical power. To find its source.
And she did.
It was Anon.
“Impossible...” she gasped in horror.
Anon chuckled. Almost sounding as if he was everywhere and nowhere all at once. “Oh Celestia. Anything is possible when you’re just built different.” those last words were only uttered, but it felt as though it pierced her soul. A shiver ran up her spine.
Anon dulled his power as to allow ponies to look upon his holy visage. He was floating, his suit having been switched out for what seemed to be...
A shirt with a hotdog on it?
“Celestia. I am done here, you mortals bore me.” He floated towards the exit, undeterred by either guard or pony. Before turning around and throwing his arms out.
“Now. Before I go. Anyone wanna admit they got a crush on me?”
Everyone in the room, except Celestia, raised a Hoof.
Even his own lawyer.
Anon blew a kiss to his ‘audience’ before giving them a salute. He then looked to Celestia and gave a smile.
“Eh, you’re not my type anyways Princess. My needs are just far more special than what you could provide.”
He then shot through the roof. Completely ignoring the exit door.
Celestia sat there for a few minutes, deciding that her nightmares were far less worrisome. And fell unconscious.
Her dreams were dark, and inky—like that one dude from that one horror game that no one remembers.
Really spooky. And Celestia certainly felt spooked.
And then a voice; Anon’s voice.
“What is a man? But the glizzy he gobbles? What is he; but the grease that creases his brow from long gaming sessions? What is he. The answer? A man is whatever a man wants to be. So long as he decides. A King choices. A Simp obeys. Never forget that, or you will find yourself up sauce creek without a paddle—and forever be lost in the deep inky sauciness.” ~ Darth Vader, most likely.
The sun goddess didn’t know it was possible to weep in a dream. But here she was.
Man, she should’ve ingested all that crack cocaine instead of allowing Anon to be incarcerated.
Her lesson was certainly learned that day.
