Heads or Tails?

by Autistic Retard

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Sad, Drama, Suicide / Self Harm, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst, Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3645

Two results. Two outcomes. 50% probability. It's either the one or the other. What do you have to lose?

Just something I thought of.

WARNING: Contains depressing content, self-harm, and suicide

The thing about each and every one of us is that despite our imperfections; we have our own skills, talents, and quirks to define our identities from others. Some may have similar traits and talents, but no two persons are alike when it comes to potential, time, and honing of one's abilities. But what if that single talent you always had, that single specialty you thought you always held onto, that single gift that you unlocked yourself with determination and conviction, vanished right before your very eyes? What if you could no longer use it? What if you could’ve used it to save someone you loved but you couldn’t?

Published 2020-10-31 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-31 05:00:01 UTC

Silence in the Sunset

Silence in the Sunset

A gamboge unicorn stallion wearing a deep-blue-colored cloak, accompanied by bright teal stars, trotted up of a small mountain ridge. The unicorn had visible purple bags under his eyes, indicating the numerous sleepless nights he suffered for Celestia-knows-how-long. His tail was covered in bandages and his horn had cracks that were increasing in size and a noticeable dark mush at its base emanated a faint glow.

The unicorn cringed at that thought. Remembering what he was doing for the past five days. Five days didn't seem so long for anypony. In fact, if you wanted to cast a spell that can transport your consciousness to the afterlife, five days wouldn't even suffice. And that is if you can even pull something like that off, which in his case, that would be something between impossible and incredibly impossible.

"Life's too cruel anyway..."

Eyes were too dried from tears, forming rheum that crystallized over time. He didn't know how long it formed, but he just knew that it did.

Countless attempts, soaring ideas, and endless sweat and tears; everything wasted over something that has no solution.

"I'm weak..."

Why are you weak?

The same question lingered over his head for as long as he can remember. The same question that resonated in his mind countless times. What was the reason behind it anyway?

He was fine if he were to be honest here. Powerlessness is not that big of a deal, especially if you're not one of those heroes that had duties to save the world from different threats and all that big hero stuff. No, that wasn't his job.

Was he jealous that he wasn't one? Maybe... but that never really occurred too much in his head to the point where you'll beg for these 'heroes' to let you join them, despite your current flaws.

He recognized these 'flaws' well and he didn't allow them to stop him from doing what he loves. He was quite contented with what he had. Sure, he may not be recognized as something that would fit the word 'magical' or 'wizard,' but in his fantasies, he liked to think that he was.

His lack of magic conjuring made it up for his vast knowledge of the arcane studies. If anyone would know a spell or a hat trick that is archaic, he would be the first to know. His knowledge in magic was only matched by the current princess of the land, but even she fails to compare to him when it comes to ancient spells and understanding of primordial forces.

But as much as one is complacent with what he/she has, there's always a feeling of dissatisfaction that grows from within. Especially if it involves something that you thought you had, but after realizing it for a while, you don't have it at all.

That one thing where you thought you were special at, turned out to be something you'll never achieve.

Life's ironic sometimes. You thought you got over something that you know you'll never have, but then it comes back slapping you hard and reminding you how much you thought you had it to begin with.

Contentment is a state where one is happy with what he/she has. It doesn't matter whether how many things you have, but it makes you satisfied with them that you will not seek for anything else.

But what if that specific thing is something you knew you had but then you realized you don't? Will you still be contented then? Will you think that someone has took something away from you? Will you still consider yourself special?

Contentment makes one happy with what he/she has been given. When one seeks to be a scientist but is only provided with the ability to draw or when one wants to be an artist but only knew how to solve complex scientific problems, contentment steps in and makes people think that they can just live without the things they don't have. They'll soon forget about those and just live life the way they could make it to be.

It's not total happiness but it's a form of satisfaction. And living in a world where happiness is scarce, it pays to smile and live life with what it gives you and not with what you want it to give you.

But what if it stole something from you?

What if it took something from you?

What if it gave you something and you were happy with it and then it just let you live with it like a false reality and you realized that you don't have it at all?

Painful isn't it?

Ah yes, pain. The one thing where life doesn't fail to give out to everyone. It gives it out equally, but not everyone can deal with it properly. And when it's too much, things happen.

But does life care when people are in pain?

That's right.

It doesn't.

Heck, it doesn't give you an answer to whether life is a sadistic abstract being or just too ignorant to answer your questions. Some people believed we are alive to seek answers to all our questions. Yet by the end of the day, you'll realize that not all of your questions will be answered. And you'll die not knowing the answers to the questions you had ever since you were born.

Sucks doesn't it?

But why wouldn't it?

Why would life just give you answers?

Are you special?

"At least I thought I was..."

Well, you thought wrong.

And this isn't the first time you thought something incorrectly.

...

"Sunburst!"

"Huh?"

"Sunburst, wait up!"

Sunburst turned around and saw a bright-pink unicorn walking behind him. She had purple mane complemented by aquamarine highlights. She stopped when she noticed Sunburst looking at her.

"Sheesh, I've been looking for you everywhere! Good thing I know you were here."

"Starlight? Wh-what are you doing here?"

"What do you mean what am I doing here? I was looking for you! One second you were with me and then when I turned around you were gone!"

"Oh... uhhh... I'm sorry."

Starlight's expression changed to a disappointed one.

"Just don't go running away from me like that, okay? You left me behind, you know!"

"Alright, alright... I won't do that again..."

Starlight sighed.

"Alright Sunburst. I’ll forgive you just this once. Now, how about we just go there already? I know how much you've been waiting to go there."

Sunburst nodded. He certainly was surprised that Starlight was accompanying him to where he intended to go.

A place that meant so much to him.

He didn't have a choice. If he wanted to do it, at least do it where he thought would be the best place to be in.

And nothing was as good as the one where he was right now.

Generally, the hike would take anypony approximately 35 minutes to hike. He knew that because he sometimes goes here when he wanted to do something that would help him clear his mind off of things. It doesn't have to be something vigorous, but it was the best spot to do the things he couldn't do around anypony else, save for HER. It could be reading an ancient spellbook, or reflecting on things that bothered him, or reminiscing his treasured memories, or talking to HER.

Sunburst could feel himself tearing up again, but he knew that crying in a corner for a long time won't do him any good. It won't make him feel better about himself.

No, certainly not.

It certainly won't give him magical talent.

Definitely a no.

Sunburst shook his head from all the bothersome thoughts he was having. He tried to remain calm and kept a straight posture.

Five minutes was all it took. Five minutes and now he was where he wanted to be.

Sunburst smiled.

"Hasn't changed one bit..."

The view was captivating. From where they were standing, they could see the verdant patterns on the valleys that stretched out of peripheral vision. The luscious leaves of the canopies of the nearby forest complemented the flowing river streams. The sounds of chirping birds and early-night crickets resonated across the silent mountains that surrounded the area. All of these were accompanied by the gorgeous yellow ball of light raising its authority in the sky.

The whole sight mesmerized the two unicorns as they slowly gave in to the power of nature.

Sunburst closed his eyes and sighed.

Oh, how he loved going here.

The only place where he really felt at home.

The place currently had no official name but he named it the 'Sunny Peak' because it was where he always watched the beautiful celestial orb set; its glowing radiance enraptured those who witness its blending hue with the sky, almost as if it was the center gradient of the artwork in the heavens.

And just like the times he watched the sunset, he would sit down by the edge of the peak and smile brightly.

Only this time, it wasn't a cheerful smile.

"Sunburst?”

Sunburst didn’t respond.

“Sunburst.”

No response.

“Sunburst!”

“Huh? W-what?”

Sunburst looked at his friend only to see her disapproving stare.

“Hmph! It's like you pay more attention to the sun than me."

"My name is Sunburst after all..."

Both shared a collective laugh.

He sighed.

"You know... I miss this..."

Starlight stopped laughing. She stared at him for a while and gave a wistful smile.

“Me too..."

Both took a deep breath and stared at the horizon in awe.

"Hehe... alright. I guess I could see why you could stare at it for hours..."

Sunburst felt his cheeks redden.

"I-I don't stare at it for hours!"

Sunburst was about to say something when he saw his friend smirking at him.

"Okay... maybe I do forget how long I stare at it sometimes, but it's not my fault! I just get lost in the feeling, you know?"

Starlight's smirk turned to a genuine smile.

"I'm just messing with ya. You look cute when you overreact sometimes."

Sunburst blushed furiously. Starlight saw how his cheeks instantly turned crimson, a sight that made her laugh.

"And you look adorable when you blush."

Sunburst couldn't handle it anymore, turning his head away from her.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop teasing you."

She gave one last giggle.

Silence overtook them. Both were staring deeply in the sky. Their thoughts wandering to places in the farthest reaches of their minds.

Starlight broke the deafening silence as she turned to her friend.

"It's been a while since we last sat here and just stare at the sky."

"Yeah, it has been."

"Just the two of us. Sitting here, watching as the sun set in the sky, the birds as they fly across the horizon, and us just talking about things."

"Yeah... those were good times."

Silence overtook them again.

Both continued to watch the sky and then at the birds that we're slowly coming into view. They watch as they fly with grace in the infinite heavens, stretching their wings as they touch the clouds.

This time, it was Sunburst who broke the silence.

"And... I wish I could take it all back... you know?"

“Sunburst..."

"I don't know what else to do. I tried everything, but none seemed to work. It's like I'm just holding over a false hope."

She didn't respond.

"A false hope. That's what I'm holding onto. A false hope!"

Tears started falling from his eyes.

"A false hope that I know would never come true! And yet here I am! I'm still thinking that despite all my failed attempts, I could do it. That I could see you again!”

His eyes filled with water and his composure slowly fading.

"But no I couldn't do it! I couldn't do it! Can't you see? I can't! I can't do it! I can't do anything right!

He could no longer hold it. His body felt weak and he collapsed to the ground.

"I can't, no matter how much I tried! I just can't do it! I'm trying, okay? I'm doing the best I could do. But I can't!"

He let out a pained groan.

"But why do I believe I could do it? I couldn't even save you! I couldn't even save you from what happened! I'm not strong like you! I'm not talented like you! I'm not good with magic like you! I'm nothing like you!"

...

"I'm not YOU! I'm not someone who can teleport or conjure a spell that'll make me fast! I'm not someone who can protect others with a magical force field or cast a protective barrier! I'm not someone who can save a pony crying for help and calling for my name to get her out using my magical abilities!

...

"No! I'm not any of those! I'm a pony who knows a lot about magic but can't even do a simple magic trick! I'm a pony who is so caught up in reading ancient tomes but doesn't even have the willpower to do any of them! I'm a pony who memorized a total of 1,983 different spells and can name them alphabetically but could only do five of them!"

...

"I'm the pony who used his magic to save you from the towering books that would topple you and got a cutie mark from it but couldn't even save you from a burning village!"

...

"And every time I tried to look at you, I feel my heart sinking. Every time I look at you, I get reminded of how useless I am! How worthless I am! How I thought I was always good at magic, but then I realized I wasn't! How I thought I could use my magic to save you!"

...

"How I fail in comparison to you. How I thought I could be there for you when you needed me most. But I couldn't! Because I was weak! Because I was powerless!"

...

"Starlight! I'm... I'm... sorry!"

...

"I don't deserve a friend like you! I don't deserve anyone! I'd just let them down and I would only use my knowledge of magic if they need it. But what good is knowledge when you can't even apply what you learned? What good was it for me to study all those spell books and tomes when I couldn't even perform any of them?"

Rheum filled his eyes. He felt tired from crying and noticed that the faint figure of Starlight was nowhere to be found.

"And here I am... crying by myself and hallucinating about you..."

...

"Because I'm too weak to accept that you're gone. Too weak to accept that you're no longer here."

...

"Too weak that even after you're gone, I'm still a useless fool. A fool who still can't do magic. The so-called 'important wizard' that everypony looked up to but couldn't bring you back!"

Sunburst adjusted his position and stared at the horizon once again.

The sun was setting.

The once yellow ball at the top of his head was now departing behind the hills accompanied by its bright crimson hue. The colors of the sky danced with the streaks of oranges stretching through the clouds. At least he got to see one of the most beautiful sunsets in his life.

He gave a small smile.

The view was amazing.

Sunburst reached behind his cloak and took out two shiny things. Their brilliance was only matched by the small white specks that slowly formed in the heavens.

A coin.

And an object that resembled a hand drill. Except its structure wasn't quite as similar as a hand drill.

"Sorry for stealing your o'l one, I promise to give it back. I just hope you know where to look..."

He stared down the cliff and saw the remains of the place he once called home. It was dark and bleak, no doubt caused by the ashes and dust particles that gathered around it.

"Heh... I never really liked that place. Their smoothies taste too bland."

Sunburst gave a light chuckle and rested his left hoof at his side as if he was placing them behind somepony.

"But I miss that place. Especially when we were sent there to go on a friendship mission."

Sunburst looked to his left, seeing a faint image of his best friend that came into view.

"I remember when we thought our parents had a friendship problem. But then it was us who had a problem with them."

Sunburst chuckled.

"Yeah, good times... ey Starlight?"

Sunburst took the coin and levitated it in the air with his magic.

At least he can levitate stuff or he would be really pissed off if he had to use his hooves when holding objects again.

“Heads or Tails?”

Two choices, two outcomes. Two possibilities and a fifty-fifty chance. It's either the one or the other. Two results but you can only pick one. It can't be both and it certainly can't be neither. You must choose one.

Sweat began to form in his skin. His eyes were stiff, his body still as stone, and a lump forming in his throat.

Who would be so nervous over something as simple as deciding between two things with a coin toss?

He was.

He closed his eyes as his magic flicked the coin, spinning in the air as it slowly fell to the ground. Time seemed to slow down as numerous thoughts suddenly bombarded his mind.

Thoughts like: "What are you doing?", "What will happen now?", "Do you really want this?", "Are you sure this is a good idea?", and blah blah blah. In other words—doubts.

As the coin landed on the ground with a small 'ting' sound, he didn't open his eyes. He wanted to clear his mind before doing whatever it was he had to do based on the result of the coin.

Sunburst assured himself that whatever was the result, he will do it. Doesn't matter if it affected him that much, he was ready. Ready to take the risk that he was willing to pull off.

Taking back to all those years, he realized that he wasn't much of a risk-taker or a 'daredevil' to that matter. He liked to play it safe and that planning is something he regularly does, whether it was relaxing or doing something important. Whatever the task was, it pays to have a well-thought-out plan.

But this time, he wasn't sure what to make up after the coin landed. He'll just do it, like a dog obeying his master's orders. Without any hesitation, complaints, or defiance, he'll downright do it. He'll risk it.

He'll risk everything.

No...

He never had anything.

At least he thought he had it but then he hadn't.

If it lands on the result this time, he'll be sure of it.

He opened his eyes and glanced at the coin.

It was heads.

...

"Took me long enough..." Sunburst replied with a smile.

It wasn't a sad smile anymore.

It was a happy one.

"Heads..." Sunburst remarked. It was the result he wanted to receive. The result he had been waiting for after doing countless attempts of doing the same routine over and over again.

It wasn't that luck hated him or that the coin coincidentally lands on tails every time. Whatever it was he didn't care...

At that moment he didn't care that every time he flipped a coin, it would land on tails. It did hurt to do the same thing though.

But every time he does, he'll just rub off the pain and walk it off, hoping that the next part of whatever he was doing will work. Like he always did for the past five days.

He didn’t know why but ever since then, he just started doing this ‘routine’ over and over.

It sounded and looked dumb but honestly, he didn’t much care anymore.

This time, however...

Sunburst levitated the other shiny object.

It took a while but all it took was a single coin toss.

Yeah, a single coin toss.

He closed his eyes and gave a contented sigh.

"I failed to try to make you come to me for countless times..."

The shiny object beside him produced a clicking sound.

"So this time, I'll come to you and we'll be together again..."

A loud noise permeated through the air. A flock of birds crowed as they flew away from the source of the noise. Unaffected by everything that went after the noise, the sun continued to set as the glistening orange rays filled the sky with marvel.

And then there was silence.

Silence in the sunset.

Author's Note

This is my first completed story and I apologize if this wasn't that good or if there are any spelling, punctuation, or grammatical errors. I would be open for suggestions and constructive criticism so don't be afraid to comment what you think.

To say anything about the story, I would like everyone to know that I have nothing against Sunburst.

I always saw Sunburst as a positive character (I relate to his inability to do stuff) and in courtesy of the show, despite being incapable of casting spells, he just focused on his knowledge about magic. But of course, I wanted to mix it up a bit and put it into my perspective when I'm the one playing his role.

Of course with all things said, this story is just something I thought of randomly as I try to get out of this writer's block I'm experiencing.

Oh yeah, try guessing what the outcome was for heads and for tails. I only gave small clues of what the two outcomes were. If you know the answer then good for you. If not then uhhh... I'll just reveal them in the comments soon.