Anon Doesn’t Eat Pizza Crust

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1123

Absolutely disgraceful.

Anon and Co. go out for dinner to have some good vibes and even gooder pizza. His friends were prepared for a wonderful outing, that’s not what they got.

Or, Anon is a full grown man who refuses to eat the crust from pizza and gets his comeuppance.

Published 2020-10-14 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-14 21:20:00 UTC

If You Don’t Eat Pizza Crust, Your Genes Are Weak

Rainbow Dash’s eye twitched.

’Any second now.’

She watched intently as Anon stacked his fifth piece of crust onto the side of his plate. Causing her to grit her teeth.

’He’s just saving them, saving them for when he’s finished. He wouldn’t seriously not eat the crust.‘ She chuckled nervously under her breath.

They were at a pizza joint—they being Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and of course, Herself and Anon. At first, the atmosphere was relaxing and even cathartic. Nothing seemingly able to break the pure dopamine generating event that was, ‘chilling wit da squad’ as Anon would call it.

But then Anon wouldn't finish his food. Opting to leave it aside. And after the third slice, Rainbow Dash started to get nervous, by the fourth, everyone else at the table had taken noticed. Anon didn’t even seem to notice.

A sixth piece.

’Eat the celestiadamned crust, you bucking freak.’ Rainbow Dash looked over to Rarity, who met her eyes with a ‘oh god he’s serious’ look, complete with sweat rolling down her face and a nervous smile.

“Ah!” He tossed a seventh piece of crust onto his plate, “That sure hit the spot, guys.” Anon patted his belly. “Well, should we split the bill?”

Twilight winced, while Applejack cleared her throat. “Er—uh, ain’t yah gonna finish that crust, Anon?”

Anon shook his head.

“Nah, that shit is gross.”

Everypony was silent, staring at Anon with varying levels of incredulity. “Are you serious, Anon!?” Rainbow dash broke the silence with a shout, startling the others at the table, and even grabbing the attention of a few other patrons. “Eat your crust!”

Anon recoiled as if he’d been struck. “No! What're you, my mom?”

“It’s just bread, you eat that like—everyday anyways!” Her wings twitched. “Yeah,” he shrugged, “And if I wanted bread, I would’ve order bread instead of pizza.” Applejack smacked the table lightly, which made Fluttershy squeak, causing Applejack to apologize.

“Now hold on there, Anon. Everypony know it ain’t even pizza without the crust. That’s like, the best part!” Both Twilight and Rarity nodded. “Well,” Anon crossed his arms, “I think it’s icky.” He turned his head up.

“ICKY?! Dear, are you twelve?” Rarity almost seemed disgusted at Anon. “Guys, ponies are staring.” Fluttershy mumbled.

“You’re the ones who keep making a scene!”

Twilight perked up, “But it’s wasteful, it’s almost thirty percent of the pizza!” Everypony except Fluttershy nodded. “Yeah, she’s right! Why would you waste bits not eating the crust?”

Anon’s scowled. “Hippo-critics!”

“It’s hypocrites, Anon.” Twilight corrected.

“Whatever—You guys sometimes don’t finish your food! I’d say that’s a waste!”

Applejack stood up. “Nah, it’s different, we save our leftovers for later!” She pointed at him, “Yah ate seven pizza slices but left so much crust to throw away! Yer the one who’s wastin’.”

Rainbow Dash stood, “Yeah, she’s right! You want to split the bill after this?!”

“Guys, please...“ Fluttershy was ignored.

“Well, my mom let me eat pizza without the crust!” Anon shouted, flinching back as Rainbow Dash shoved one of the left over crusts into his face.

“You’re a grown ass man, eat the bucking crust!”

Anon slapped it away, causing it to land in someone’s drink, making them yelp in surprise.

“This is outrageous.” Rarity mumbled, before nodding to Fluttershy. “Ah, Fluttershy. Surely you agree with us! perhaps you even have something to say, correct?”

She sunk into her mane. “I also don’t like crust.”

Silence.

“...But you don’t have any crust on your plate.” Twilight pointed out, eying her plate. Fluttershy nodded, “Well. I do like it if it’s stuffed crust...” The ponies sighed in relief.

“Thank buck. See? That’s not wasteful!” Rainbow Dash patted her shoulder, before pointing at Anon. “Hey. Then why didn’t you just order stuffed crust?” She threw her her hooves out.

He shrugged.

“I don’t like mozzarella either.”

All of a sudden Fluttershy’s pupils dilated, the room seemingly getting colder.

“Are you lactose intolerant, Anon?” She asked him calmly, almost deathly silent.

“Nah.”

Fluttershy screamed before climbing over the table and throwing herself at Anon. He cried out in fear, and in what seemed like a blink of an eye, was on the ground with her on top of him, one of her pizza slices in her hooves. “EAT THE STUFFED CRUST YOU DAMN HEATHEN!”

“Oh my goodness.” Some random pony gasped.

“HELP, POLICE! SOMEONE CALL THE PONY POLICE SHE’S TRYING TO KILL ME!”

“EAT IT. EAT IT!” She growled. This side of Fluttershy horrified both her friends and the other patrons. The staff quickly surrounded the group.

“What’s going on here!?” The staff tried to pry the two apart.

“Holy buck, Fluttershy...” Rarity mumbled in shock, a shiver running up her spine.

“What’d I miss!?” Pinkie—who’d apparently been in the washroom this entire time, appeared out of nowhere.

Fluttershy was ripped from Anon by a unicorn, floating her away from the human.

“Let me go! Can’t you see? He’s a monster! A monster that can only be slain with mozzarella!” She screeched bloody murder as she was taken out of the restaurant.

Anon croaked.

“Oh, is it nap time!?” Pinkie hopped over to Anon and sat on his chest, curling up like a cat. The human didn’t have the energy to scratch the party pony. So he simply watched the ceiling, unblinkingly.

The group of friends at the table all looked at each other worryingly.

...

“Are you... are you ok, Anon?” Twilight’s voice was soft and full of worry.

“I saw the throne to heaven and It was empty.” Tears ran from his eyes to his cheeks.

“Stop acting weird, dude.” Rainbow Dash shoved one of his pizza crusts into his mouth, causing him to gag.

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity magicked Dash away from the human. “He could choke!” She berated Rainbow Dash as Anon coughed and hacked. He sat up, which caused Pinkie to slide into to his lap. She just giggled.

Rarity continued to tell Rainbow Dash off.

Anon cleared his throat, accidentally swallowing some of the crust. He smacked his lips and hummed.

“Oh hey, that’s actually pretty good.” He grabbed the leftover half he coughed up and started munching on it, a smile on his face.

Everyone at the table stopped to look at Anon. Rarity could be heard grinding her teeth, before taking a deep breath and deadpanning.

“Never mind.” Rarity put Rainbow Dash down and stood up. “I’ll strangle him myself.”

The others had to hold Rarity down to stop her from finishing what Fluttershy started.

Author's Note

Attention everyone who hates pizza crust! comment down below so I can delete your comment and then block you.