.

Maid Sugarcube, formerly known as Sugarcube Corner, aka the Sweet Snacks Café, was once a failing a ‘50’s joint-style diner. To revitalize business, Mrs. Cake, a thirty-year-old woman prone to flights of fancy, had her team of busty waitresses switch out their usual uniforms for sexy cosplay costumes. They had also done away with the “Rate Our Service” cards--which ranked everything from the wait staff to the food, as well as the general atmosphere, cleanliness and ambience on the scale of good, fair or poor--since the food critic Zesty Gourmand ticked all of the “poor” boxes.

There, Fluttershy’s brother, Zephyr Breeze, perused the New Canterlot City Gazette’s classified ads while he sat in a booth with Sunburst, Stormwalker, Rainbow Dash and Bulk Biceps. Rainbow Dash was more interested in the Gazette’s headline, “Equestrian Dragon: Is He the Murderer the Police Say He Is?” but when she asked Zephyr Breeze why he was looking at the want ads, he told her that his horoscope said to look for new job opportunities.

“Wow, another job, another brilliant way to get yourself canned,” she said.

“I’ve quit that, quit that, quit that, and quit that... Ugh! And I’m not even allowed to go in there, much less shop!” Zephyr Breeze groaned. “These want ads suck!”

“You might as well face it, Zeph: you’re unemployable,” Stormwalker said.

“Then how am I supposed to pay for that ski trip next year?” Zephyr Breeze complained. “I am seriously low on cash.”

“No. We are seriously low on cash,” Stormwalker corrected him. “If I had ten bucks for every one that you owe me, I’d have... I’d need a calculator, but you’d owe me a lot, man.”

“Count me in for some of that action, too,” Bulk Biceps said.

“I get first dibs,” Dash put in.

“Why?” Bulk asked.

“Um, ladies first?” she replied.

“Oh, right,” he said.

That’s when their waitress, Sunny Sugarsocks, brought them their lunch.

“Okay. Here we go. One order of nachos with cheese, four slices of pepperoni pizza, two orders of mozzarella sticks, one BLT, four extra-extra-extra large root beers, and one slice of carrot cake a la mode,” she said as she served them. “Enjoy.”

“Are you looking for a job?” Sunburst asked Zephyr Breeze.

“I am,” Zeph replied sincerely.

“Well, we’re about to take inventory at Zenith Industries and we could use some part-time help,” Sunburst said.

“Will heavy lifting be involved?” he asked. “Because lifting things violates my religion.”

“Zeph worships at the temple of eternal slack,” Stormwalker translated.

Initially, Zephyr Breeze was heavily against the idea of manual labor, but when his sister’s friends pointed out that it was the only way he was going to make any money, he started to seriously reconsider... especially since they were refusing to lend him anymore.

“Just trying to help you out,” Sunburst said. “I’ve got to get back to work. Later.”

“See ya,” Dash told him.

After they finished their meal, the group went their separate ways—Sunburst returned to Zenith Industries while Bulk and Zeph went back to class at the University, and Dash took off with Stormwalker.

Rainbow Dash was really good friends with Stormwalker. He was clean cut, like a young cadet at a private military school, he was also close to her old gal pals, Flitter and her sister Cloud Chaser, and he bore a passing resemblance to their other guy friend, Thunderlane. Zephyr Breeze, on the other hand, had a goatee, he wore comfortable clothes, he did yoga, he liked wind chimes, he reeked of patchouli... and he was a chronic slacker and freeloader.

“So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about that you couldn’t say in front of the others?” she finally asked.

“Dash... I’m leaving,” Stormwalker stated. “We’re old enough to be drafted now. I won’t serve in Neighsay’s stormtroopers.”

“Where will you go?” she asked.

“Don’t know yet,” he replied. “All I know is I’m going... before the soldiers come looking for me.”

Then he gave her a warm hug and he left.

At the same time, at the New Canterlot City Gazette building, Shady Daze was explaining to Featherweight his idea for a “big scoop” for the newspaper.

“But you’re not on the paper, Shady,” Featherweight reminded him. “You’re just an intern, like me. Besides, they keep turning you down.”

“This is going to turn them around,” Shady Daze replied. “It’s an edgy, hard-hitting exposé I call...”

“‘Tattoo Parlors: Fronts For Drug Smugglers’?” Nosey News said as she swiped the paper from Shady and read it aloud.

“I’m already working on a follow-up piece about illegal firearms,” Shady said.

“Shady--” Nosey began. She stopped to answer her mobile phone when she heard it ring. “Nosey News, Associate Editor... ‘No comment’ is totally unacceptable. I don’t care if she’s the headmistress and a police captain’s girlfriend. I want that story!” She returned her attention to Shady Daze. “You’re giving me nothing here, kid. Where’s the angle, the edge? You want to get on the paper? Write a story that makes me care.”

“I’ll do it. I’m a born reporter. I can smell a story a mile away,” Shady Daze said.

“Maybe Featherweight has an idea,” he added to himself in thought.

.

Later that afternoon, New Canterlot City’s Fire Commissioner, Chief Fine Gold, had met with Mr. Zenith to discuss the founder-and-owner of Zenith Industries’ more-than-generous donation to the city’s fire department. Spike Zenith was one of New Canterlot’s most respected citizens and not only had he given them a new building (#7), but he gave them a whole fleet of brand-new fire engines on top of that. His name was also the only one on the donor plaque.

Now, Spike was on his way to his next meeting with his chief staff members to talk about their latest contract bids.

“Beautiful language,” he said as he put his Germane grammar book away.

As he walked, Spike looked at the morning newspaper... but he didn’t read it.

He didn’t need to—it was full of nothing but troubling stories.

“What’s gonna be is gonna be,” he thought. “The ‘end of the world’ has been coming since 1903 B.C.!”

When Spike entered the empty conference room, he spoke to Chancellor Neighsay via his military-grade earpiece.

“Now you must confess, I am not the worst man in Equestria, am I?” he asked Spike.

There was some truth in what Neighsay said: his predecessors included drunks, crooks and womanizers (among other things).

“Well, in your defense, I don’t know everybody,” Spike replied. “Actually, Chancellor, I understand you a lot better than you think. Not many people know this, but my mother’s maiden name was Drachen.”

“‘Drachen’? You mean you’re one of us?”

“From way back,” Spike replied.

“Frankly, Mr. Zenith, I would like to improve our relationship even more,” Neighsay said. “Tell me, what is it you would like most in this world?”

Spike hummed thoughtfully.

When he couldn’t respond, the Chancellor asked, “You can’t make up your mind?”

“Oh, I know what I want, the question is, blonde or redhead?”

Neighsay smiled at Spike’s sense of humor.

“But seriously, Chancellor, there is one thing,” Spike went on. “If you would be interested in double-dating with me, have dinner here in New Canterlot City some night?”

Neighsay said that he would at least think about it... before shifting their conversation to his own personal investments in Zenith Industries.

“Yeah, I heard what the Germanes and the Feds both said, and I don’t think we need to overreact,” Spike said. “Look, I’d love to discuss your portfolio with you for another hour, but I’m stepping into another meeting right now. Yeah, one of the secretaries just cracked some guy’s skull open for trying to get a peek up her skirt, so I gotta go do damage control. Yeah, we’ll talk later. Ciao.”

While he waited for everyone else to arrive, Spike saw a glowing orb float towards his building, past the jagged, snow-covered mountains in the distance. The orb flickered as it expanded and the beautiful, angelic, full-figured Celestia and Luna, wearing shimmering dresses (white and blue respectively), appeared inside the conference room.

They turned to Spike and smiled at him... then they led him to the windows, where they showed him their latest gift to him: Mount Drago, aka Spike’s Peak, a death-defying peak in Coltorado, its rocky, snow-filled crags formed the face of a leering monster.

“Tia, Lulu, I said I wanted a statue, but this?” Spike asked.

“It was Chipcutter’s idea,” Celestia explained. “He’s the artist; he’s young and we didn’t want to stifle his creativity.”

“Well, you know I’m all for the arts, but my likeness in dragon form over 10,000 feet high... Don’t you think it’s just a tad pretentious? Wait till Lettermane gets wind of this...”

Spike, Luna and Celestia took their seats at the head of the long conference table as representatives from each department—including Fancy Pants, the CEO, who had a working knowledge of every inch of Zenith Industries; Fleur de Lis, the COO; Sunburst, the head of Research & Development; Photo Finish, the head of the Photography Department; Prim Hemline, the head of Fashion; and Davenport, the proprietor of Quills & Sofas (among others, for a total of two dozen)—assembled. The gofer, T-Bone, served drinks while the other section heads made themselves comfortable and Sleek Fibs finally joined them.

Sleek Fibs was a coward and a cheapskate, the kind of cretin who cried himself to sleep at night because he feared he would never find a life partner.

These negotiations would be short.

Still, a bad feeling lingered as Sleek started talking with them over coffee, and Mr. Zenith thought how the shyster would deal with the Chancellor’s demands.

Even with Zenith Industries’ business expanding in the Ponyville and Maretropolis markets, Neighsay’s administration planned to cut annual expenditures through a reduction in “unnecessary programs” like historical research and experimental tech.

Spike sensed an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as a trade dispute.

“This time, I’ll be paying fifty million bucks,” Sleek Fibs said. “Any takers? Anyone interested?” he asked. “Anyone at all?”

“One hundred and fifty billion,” Spike stated. “And I won’t take anything less.”

He forced the settlement and Sleek disappeared from the building.

“One hundred fifty billion bucks is still a pretty big deal,” Davenport said.

“We’ll have plenty to eat for a long time,” T-Bone commented. “I’m trying to decide what to have.”

“The Wolf Family has five members and each receives ten shares,” Luna calculated.

“That’s why I demanded a multiple of two, four, five and ten,” Spike told them.

“But Stoker isn’t here,” Fancy Pants reminded them. “And it’s times like these when we need him most of all.”

“Where did he go?” T-Bone asked.

“I’m afraid he’ll be stuck in negotiations in Maredrid for a while,” Fancy said.

“You mean he flew all the way out there by himself?” T-Bone asked.

“He’s fine, unfortunately his plane needs some new wheels on the landing gear,” Fancy Pants shared.

“But if he doesn’t show up, what are the rest of us supposed to do?” Sunburst asked.

“You know the laws,” Spike stated. “Those who don’t work or go to school don’t eat. That’s why I requested multiples that could be divided and distributed accordingly.”

“But, Spike, how did you convince Sleek to accept such a ridiculous price?” Fleur asked.

“It was important enough that he called me up in the middle of the night, so I figured he would be willing to pay extra,” he answered.

Fleur blushed. “You’re so good at getting what you want. I bet you’re just acting cold so that I’ll love you even more.”

“At the same time, since we won the city’s Fire Department Contract, Filthy Rich is in no position to go against us,” Spike added.

T-Bone agreed. “Yeah, that’s right! With our rivals out of the way, we can inflate the prices as much as we want!”

“I disagree with zis,” Photo Finish interjected before taking a sip of her coffee. “Ze bidding process should be fair und honorable. If one party is collaborating with another then it is not fair and that makes us look less than noble.”

“How can you say that with a straight face?” Spike asked. “You always deliberately underbid just so your entourage has the excuse to beat people up. So tell me which one of us is ‘less noble’, Photo Finish?”

The head of the photography department blushed behind her glasses.

“The Jockeypanese have a saying, ‘take every chance you get.’ If you don’t, then to them, you aren’t doing your duty to the best of your ability,” Spike stated.

“Well, if that is the case, it would be wrong to go against one’s duty, then it is fine with me,” Photo Finish replied.

“I agree with Spike,” Celestia said. “There’s nothing wrong with making a little extra money. You think so, too, right, Luna?”

“I don’t think I have the right to offer my opinion here,” she said quietly.

“In any case, we won the bid so we have to do the work,” Spike concluded.

He dismissed them and they returned to their work, while Spike himself joined Fancy Pants in his office to discuss the list of ideas for the company’s possible new creations.

“X-ray glasses? Yeah, right. Hypnosis coin? Give me a break,” Spike said. “Hold on... What’s this? I think we have a winner!”

“An automatic burger flipping machine?” Fancy Pants asked.

“If some kid can create a device to clap lights on and off, we can make a machine that makes and flips the hamburgers so that fast food chains don’t have to pay the armies of punks with absolutely no skills OR sense of customer service to give people lip,” Spike said. “Sticky bun?” he offered. “They’re banned in Europone and Califoalnia, so you know they’re good!”

“Nice!” Fancy replied.

“By the way, how’d the IRS thing come out?” Spike asked. “Are we going to survive?”

“Oh, we are, but Filthy Rich might not,” Fancy Pants answered.

He put aside all of the idea sheets and showed Spike a magazine advertisement for a high-tech massage chair.

“It’s the Shiatsu 2000 Massage Experience,” he said. “Filthy Rich bought the one with the manicure-pedicure option, so he could sit while getting his back rubbed and get a facial too.”

“What’s this got to do with Rich Enterprises?” Spike inquired.

“I think that he and his wife are spending development money on personal items, claiming that they’re business tools, and he’s writing it all off,” Fancy explained.

Spike wasn’t at all surprised; it wouldn’t shock him to learn if it was true.

They were soon joined by Fleur de Lis.

“Licking stamps?” she asked.

“I was, now I’m just answering obvious questions,” Spike retorted.

“Lucky stamp,” she flirted. “You know, a sponge works much better,” she told him. “What’s even better is they make stamps you don’t have to lick.”

“You’ve done this before,” he guessed.

“I’ve done a lot of things,”

“I’m guessing you do them very well,”

“I’ve had no complaints,” she said.

Spike, still looking at Miss de Lis, said, “Mr. Pants, would you leave for a minute?”

Fancy nodded and left his office.

“I’m right outside if you need anything,” he said as he closed the door behind him.

“What’s up, Fleur?” Spike asked.

“We lost the East Side waterfront deal because your chief counsel, your latest attorney, forgot to file an environmental impact report,” Fleur said. “You need someone from Bale, Coltumbia, or from the continental Equestrian States.”

“People of that level of intellect find me shallow,” Spike told her.

“Then hire a woman,” Fleur suggested.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Spike retorted.

“Why, because they would sleep with you?” she asked.

“No, because that would make you too happy,” he countered as the prim Miss de Lis eyed Zenith Industries’ magazine, which featured several shots of women in bikinis.

It was plain to see that the old dragon needed someone. But in Fleur’s mind, Spike needed something much more than a companion. And if she had left it up to him, he would be a bachelor forever. He was married to his work, his responsibilities as the Equestrian Dragon.

Spike was intelligent enough, as dragons went, and Fleur would say that he was a very handsome animal in his own, unique way. She could see no reason why her friend didn’t deserve an attractive mate. Of course, he might have been able to take her seriously if she didn’t carry on like an oversexed tigress in heat.

“You need someone who can not only write a brief, but handle your briefs while they’re at it,” Fleur said. “Hire a real attorney by tomorrow,” she stated.

“Miss de Lis, I have spent years building Zenith Industries into the biggest corporation in the world. And if there is one thing I have learned it’s that business is like the jungle: there are hunters and the hunted, predators and prey, the eaters... and the eaten,” Spike said as he refilled his cocoa mug. “But Zenith Industries is still a family business. Exactly half of my products are used or consumed by women, and I will not have any of my employees insulting our clientele with their monkeyshines.”

“Spike, pardonne-moi, but something has been bothering me,” Fleur said. “How did the Romanes get you into a cage? I can’t even get a guy to drive me to the airport.”

“Iron chains, heavy nets... and a liquid very similar to chloroform. I have never been so weak,” he sighed. “Since then, I have always maintained total control.”

Fleur chuckled. “Face it, Spike, nobody is ever in total control.”

“Speak for yourself,”

“Personally, I like to lose control,” she said. “In fact, I have this fantasy...”

Her voice trailed off midsentence and Spike gave her his signature “You can’t just start something like that and not tell me” look.

Even though she was a longtime friend of the Equestrian Dragon, Fleur barely spoke to anyone outside his inner circle. She had been madly in love with Spike for centuries, but while he cared for her deeply, he didn’t feel the same way and rebuffed all of her romantic advances.

“It’s a hot summer night,” she began again. “I step out of the shower and slip into a soft, silk negligee, and cross to the boudoir where he’s waiting for me.”

“He? Who’s he?” Spike asked.

“Candlelight dances across our skin as I move closer, barely brushing against him. He slips the negligee off my shoulders and lowers me onto the bed. He takes one of the candles and slowly, achingly, seductively... drips hot wax onto my bare nipple. I gasp... and then whisper in his ear, ‘Spike...’” She inhaled. “‘Drop the cup.’”

Spike’s cocoa mug crashed to the floor as he clutched his heart.

“Oh, yeah, you’re in control,” she said as she started to leave. “Just tell me one more thing: why is it so hard for me to meet a nice guy?”

“Maybe because you expect too much and they never want to do what you want,” Spike answered, picking up the pieces of his mug. “Or you’re not looking in the right place.”

“Mm, maybe I’m not,” she said, returning to his side. “What are you doing later?”

“Are you asking me out?”

“I think it’d be fun,”

“Maybe we’re not on the same page here,”

“I mean going out, as in dinner, a movie... naughty time,”

“I don’t eat dinner, and I hate movies,” he replied.

“So you don’t want to go to lunch?”

“Of course I do, but I just got here and I haven’t slept in thirty hours,”

“Okay, but before I go, I want to show you my new blouse,” Fleur said as she unbuttoned her suit jacket and opened it. “Oops. I’m not wearing a blouse.”

“Good, because if you were, I would tear you a new hem,” Spike said.

Fleur gasped as she closed and rebuttoned her jacket and blushed with a smile.

.

Taco Hut was founded by a pair of brothers—one operated a hot dog stand while the other was a police officer—who served a variety of Mexicolt-inspired fast-foods, including tacos, burritos, nachos and extra-cheesy quesadillas (their specialty). Yet despite being a significant player in New Canterlot City’s Restaurant Row, it was considered by many to be the least-cool restaurant in the city. The waiting staff consisted of primarily young women whose revealing uniform included a lace tank top and spandex short shorts, they were forced to know the lyrics to the company’s theme song by heart and sing it on command.

As he sat at one of the outdoor tables, Shady Daze said, “Help me out, Featherweight. I need a scoop.”

“Why ask me? You’re the born reporter,” he replied as the waitress took their orders.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having,” Shady Daze said. Then, after she’d left, he looked at the restaurant across the street and complained, “Look at them. They don’t have to eat this slop.”

The High Rollerz sat at the same table so much that it was declared “their” table, they even sat in the exact same spots at said table, and one else could not sit at that table unless they were part of their clique. It was an unwritten rule. To them, certain things were sacred.

But Spike Zenith believed that people couldn’t just buy their way into popularity. Many had tried to buy their way into his good graces and had failed. At the end of the day, it was still just a table and sitting at it did not make them better people.

Spike was walking down the sidewalk when he was stopped by Silverspeed.

“Hey, Mr. Zenith! I think it is so great what you do!”

“Which was what?” he asked.

“I mean, how you’re always helping people,” she said. “I think everything you do is really amazing. It’s so C-O-O-L. Why don’t you sit and have lunch with us?”

Spike knew that Silverspeed was stubborn, and when he glanced at her younger sister, Silver Spoon, who said, “I’ll have an omelet, whites only,” he shouted, “You think I want to sit at the most coveted table in the Row just because I have money? I would rather be seen hanging with the Bumble Cruisers MC than be mentioned in the same breath as you snobs!”

And he left.

Silver Spoon asked, “What was that all about?”

“I don’t know. I was trying to be nice,” Silverspeed told her sister.

Featherweight turned to look at Shady Daze, who had been watching Spike, and asked, “Why are you staring at him like that?”

“‘Cause I think I found my story!” Shady Daze replied. “I’m gonna interview the Spike Zenith! And I won’t accept anything less than the hard-hitting truth.”

“Since when does his name have a ‘the’ in front of it?” Featherweight asked as they followed Spike into the bar next door.

When Spike first met the Bumble Cruisers MC (then known as the Bumblebee Motorcycle Company) they were tougher and meaner than the Fallen Angels and the Sons of Tartarus put together. Now, they were some of the lead organizers for the Zenith Foundation and its many charities. As ambassadors for Zenith Industries—and as some of the Equestrian Dragon’s biggest fans—they worked as Spike’s unofficial security force and bodyguards.

Their leader, Sting, was a philosophical fellow who shared Spike’s belief that everyone should be able to have more opportunities in life. He also believed that too much of a good thing made it bad. He had a yellow Mohawk, wore fingerless gloves, a red leather jacket and a patch over his left eye. And while he may not have looked happy to see Spike, he truly was.

The other gang members wore their usual “uniforms” of black cotton T-shirts, black leather boots, black leather pants, and assorted leather jackets which were adorned with an angry black-and-yellow striped insect (their mascot). One of them, named Pointer, had his sleeves rolled up to show off his biceps.

“You know, you got balls coming in here,” Sting said. “But it’s cool. I mean, just because we take money doesn’t mean we don’t have hearts... which reminds me...”

He halted the conversation when he saw Goldcap, Zappityhoof and Decepticolt enter the bar and close in on Spike.

“Not them again,” Spike thought.

“It’s been a while,” Decepticolt said. “We need to talk. Care to explain why you’re paying to sit with people most do not like when you can be with people who like you for free?”

Spike dabbed the corners of his mouth with his napkin before standing up and asked, “Instead of harassing and taking it out on me, why don’t you concentrate on getting back together with your bitches here? Oh, and for the record, Zappityhoof is the one who came on to me. Besides, is a girl who gets worked up over one little peck on the cheek really worth much?”

“What did you say? Who do you think you are, you—?”

Spike grabbed and twisted Decepticolt’s wrist and said, “Shut. Up. How long do you intend to continue this pointless grudge?! In this conflict, the more desperate you are, the more you are bound to lose! You can keep playing this stupid game for all I care, so please go on to your heart’s content! I’ll be watching your every move until you witches burn together and you all become extinct... and I’ll celebrate it! I’ll even hold a service for you at the Founders’ Day Festival along with the Neighzis and the dinosaurs, because like them you are decaying and defunct! There’s no point in coming after me so why don’t you find someone else to pick on, instead? You. Have. Lost.”

Spike released his hold on Decepticolt and he, Goldcap and Zappityhoof backed off when they saw the entire bar of Bumble Cruisers rise from their seats, ready to protect and defend Spike with their lives.

The trio ran out the door as Featherweight carefully placed a hand on Spike’s shoulder and said, “Are you all right?”

“I hate them!” Spike exclaimed. “I wish they would just go away.”

Sting asked, “Really?”

“He did not mean that! In any way, shape or form! Not even as a figure of speech!” Shady Daze said hastily.

“I meant every word of it and then some!” Spike shouted. “I wish they weren’t around ruining people’s lives. I wish I never had to look at them ever again.” He sighed as he threw a hundred dollar bill on the table and said, “Lunch is on me, you guys. Bon appétit.”

As Spike left, Pointer commented, “That guy’s obviously not gettin’ enough roughage.”

“Well, I like him,” String said. “In fact, I think we ought to help him out. And where do you boys think you’re goin’?” he asked Shady Daze and Featherweight as they tried to follow Spike. “You’re looking for a story, right? Well, my crew and I got word of something big about to go down later tonight. We’ll follow the perps after sundown, you keep outta sight while we turn ‘em over to the police.”

“Okay... but why are you willing to risk your life like this?” Featherweight asked.

“Spike was there for me when no one else was,” Sting said. “He saw good in me when no one else did. He helped me, now I’m going to help him. Let’s go.”

.

In the meantime, Zephyr Breeze was out shopping with his sister and her friends at the Apple Democracy store in the Central Mall.

“It’s cute, but maybe a bit childish for me,” Fluttershy said about a pink dress as she held it up in front of herself and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

“You know what? I think we should get you some sexy underwear on the off chance that you get lucky someday,” Sunset Shimmer remarked.

Applejack was trying on boots when one of her cousins paged her, and she called her back via one of the mall’s payphones.

“Hey, Apple Cobbler, what’s up?”

“Cousin, I have unbelievable news! You are not going to believe this,” she said. “Guess what boy band is coming to our city!”

“If you say the Buckstreet Boys, I swear I’ll scream,” Applejack stated.

“Scream, girl,” Apple Cobbler replied.

“What? The Buckstreet Boys? Here? No way!” Pinkie Pie, who overheard, squealed.

“Cuz, would I lie to you?” Apple Cobbler asked.

The best-selling boy band in history, as well as the girls’ favorite band, was the Buckstreet Boys: AJ McLean, Howdy Rough, Knick Carter, Bari Tone and Bass Literal.

Turns out, Apple Cobbler played volleyball with High Spirits, the girl who brought bagels to Chase Reverb, the guy who ran their sound checks.

“They’re doing a CD release and taping a live video! Here!” Apple Cobbler went on.

“The Buckstreet Boys... in person? Outside of my dreams? This weekend? I am so there!” Pinkie continued to squeal.

She relayed the news to the other girls, sending them (minus Rainbow Dash) into a tizzy.

“Don’t tell me. The Buckstreet Boys are in town?” Dash guessed.

“How did you know?” Pinkie asked.

“Sorry, am I supposed to get dizzy over five no-talent, one-hit wonders?” she replied.

“Yes!” Rarity exclaimed. “Aren’t you coming?”

“I’d rather kiss a horse’s butt,” Dash retorted.

“Finally, a woman with taste,” Zephyr Breeze said. “I was beginning to think every girl on the planet was into the Buckstreet Boys.”

“Wait, it’s going to be on a closed set, right?” Dash asked Pinkie. “As in, no perverts claiming to ‘measure the floors for insurance purposes’? Then count me in.”

So she decided to go along with her friends while Zephyr Breeze watched them go, gritting his teeth in envious anger.

.

Celestia and Luna paced the floors at Pendragon Castle later that evening, waiting for Spike to join them for dinner. Unfortunately for them, this was a business dinner with Senator Bullhorn, not another one of their fantasies of having a private meal with their hero.

“Where is he?” Celestia asked. “Where could he be?”

“I called him earlier, but there was no answer,” Luna replied.

“He always answers,” Celestia said. “We don’t have time for this,” she added to herself.

They were about to give up when Spike arrived home through the front door, wearing a black tailored suit (a perfect reflection of the Senator’s white one) and mousse in his hair.

“This is Spike Zenith?” Senator Bullhorn asked.

“Oh, my,” Celestia sighed.

“Sister, stop drooling,” Luna whispered.

“Look who’s talking,” Celestia countered.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Spike told them.

“Oh, good, I’m glad ya’re here. We can get started,” the Senator said.

“Who wants a drink?” Spike asked.

They were served a bottle of Spike’s finest wine, as well as popcorn shrimp, shrimp cocktails, and other fruits of the sea.

“Excuse me, I need to powder my nose,” Celestia told them.

“I’ll join you,” Luna said.

After they left, the Senator said to Spike, “Ya and Chancellor Roulade seem to have something in common. Ya and he see things eye-to-eye the Germane way.”

“Well, you don’t spend seven years behind the Iron Horse Curtain without picking up a little pro-Germane mindset,” Spike replied. “I was just glad to have an ally overseas who shares my love of culture... and I try to be realistic.”

“An excellent attitude,” Bullhorn said. “I take it ya’ll like to be on the winning side?”

“Senator, what’s on your mind?”

“Cards on the table?” the Senator asked. “I am convinced that Filthy Rich is cooking his books. And as such, I’m interested in investing in Zenith Industries instead of Rich Enterprises.”

“Oh, is that all?” Spike asked.

“No, I am not done,” Bullhorn stated. “Boy, I say, boy, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of the clock-punchers. And yet, I have lived a solitary life. The fairer gender remains a mystery to me. Ya’ll seem to have a certain way with women, a--how do I put this--animal magnetism. Help me, Spike. Tell me ya secret.”

“Senator, in spite of what everyone thinks, I am no love machine,” Spike said sincerely.

“I am asking ya’ll nicely,” the Senator replied. “Don’t make me beg.”

“I don’t really know, but as ridiculous and cliché as this sounds, wine and dine... bring her a gift, and, ugh... poetry of all nonsense,”

“Of course... it’s so simple, it’s simplicity itself!” Bullhorn said. “I won’t forget this. And tell no one of what has transpired here,” he added in a whisper. “Happened, that is.”

Senator Bullhorn thanked his host for the meal and as he took his leave a pretty blonde in a teal dress and a white ribbon in her hair bumped into the Senator on his way out.

Luna gasped. “Morning Glory? What are you doing here? What happened?”

“It’s Sting. He went for a ride. He was following the Raven Cartel. I went out for an hour and when I got back, his motorcycle was gone. He’s with the rest of the Bumble MCs...”

“Where did they go?” Spike asked.

“Needles’ Tattoo Parlor,” Morning Glory said through her tears. “There were two young men with them. I tried to follow them, but I lost them at the river.”

“Are you okay?” Celestia asked.

“I will be as soon as someone goes after him,” she sobbed.

Celestia pulled Spike aside and said, “Okay, you win. This business with the Ravens is out of control. We have to do something.”

“I will take care of it,” Spike told her.

.

Later that night, on the roof of New Canterlot City’s local chop shop, the Equestrian Dragon eavesdropped on several conversations.

The first was between a husband and wife that had gone out for the evening, leaving their children snug in their beds with the dog on guard in the garden below.

“But do you think they will be safe without us?” she asked.

“Safe? Of course they’ll be safe. Why wouldn’t they be?”

“Well, Windy said something about a shadow, and I...”

“Shadow? Whose shadow?”

“The Equestrian Dragon’s,”

“Oh, the Equestrian Dragon... the Equestrian Dragon!” he exclaimed. “You don’t say. Goodness gracious, whatever shall we do?”

“But there must have been someone--”

“Oh, really, of all the impossible, childish fiddle-faddle. Equestrian Dragon indeed! How can we expect our children to grow up and be practical when you’re as bad as they are? No wonder they get such idiotic ideas...”

The Equestrian Dragon shifted his hearing to another, younger couple, out on a date.

“I suppose she doesn’t believe in Saint Neighcholas either,” the woman’s boyfriend assumed. “No Equestrian Dragon, no fairy tales, no fantasies of any kind.”

“I believe we should be realistic and completely honest with our children,” she retorted. “Not having them grow up believing in a lot of legends and myths, like dragons, for example.”

The Dragon picked up the sounds of a young salesgirl, Honeysuckle, arguing with a man over a thousand-dollar barbecue grill.

“Hey! You touch it you buy it!” she shouted. “Get out of my sight!”

“Wow, Honeysuckle, zero sales this quarter and still going strong,” her coworker, Peach Blossom, commented. “What’s your secret?”

“Beat it or I’ll announce that you get your lip waxed at Frizzy’s,” she countered. “Come back when you can pay full price like the rest of us,” she growled after the man.

Then he overheard Snips and Snails, accompanied by Rumble, being talked down to by an older, ponytailed saleswoman in a dark gray suit.

“You two again?” she exclaimed. “And who’s he, your parole officer?”

“Well, I was thinking of buying that scarf, but you can forget it now,” Rumble replied.

“Pardon me?”

“I’ll be right with you, ma’am,” she said. “As soon as I deal with the riffraff.”

“Whoa, that’s a lot of numbers,” one female customer commented. “What do you suggest for a woman who’s on a budget?”

“Marry a rich man,” the saleswoman answered snootily. “Or, failing that, the 99¢ store down the street. Ooh! Size four. Aren’t we being a bit optimistic?” She gasped. “Spoiled Rich! How great to see you!”

“Do not touch me, you pompous ass-kisser. I am having a horrible day!”

“Shall I throw everyone out of the store?” she asked Spoiled. “Really. It’s no bother.”

Having heard enough, the Equestrian Dragon gazed down into the street below and spotted one of his targets: Descent, who took a drag from a cigarette before warily glancing over his shoulder. The Shadowbolt glanced around again, crossed the street, and walked into the chop shop, aptly named Dozer’s, where the local grease monkeys were prepping another car to paint.

There was Bandit, whose days of boosting cars came to an end when an ex-police officer decided to show him the meaning of “excessive force”. But just because couldn’t stand up for more than a few minutes at a time didn’t mean he didn’t have an eye for what sold. He had lists of hot cars tacked up on the wall.

“Perfect,” he said. “Would you believe that four Zanzebrans got shot in that thing? That ride looks like I jacked it right off the lot.”

Then there was Driller, who only worked with professionals—if someone with skills at boosting cars came in and was looking for work, he’d set them up with a target—and finally, Bull Dozer, the owner himself, who was currently on the phone with a client.

“Tell Mr. Rich don’t worry... No, I said don’t worry... Yes... I promise, everything is on schedule, we got nothing to worry about... all right, goodbye,” he said. “We are so fucked.”

“You made the deal now we have to deliver the goods,” Driller reminded him. “If we don’t deliver, we’re as useful to him as a used condom.”

Long story short, Filthy Rich put in a big order and Dozer was having trouble finding the cars he asked for. Needless to say, their work was in demand.

That’s when Shadow Surprise pulled into the garage, driving a car he’d just stolen.

“Whoa, whoa!” he exclaimed after counting the cash Driller had given him. “There’s only four thousand here. For a car like this, it’s usually six thousand.”

“We’re in a recession,” Driller said. “Everything’s tough. Now, you wanna try someone else, no hard feelings.”

“No, I just could’ve used some more,” Shadow Surprise replied.

The Equestrian Dragon crawled across the rooftops as the two Shadowbolts left the chop shop and tossed some loose change into a nearby fountain before making a quick stop at their usual hangout. It was Ladies Night at the Main Street Bar & Grill, where “Unescorted Ladies Drink Free”.

The Equestrian Dragon had found his mark: two single guys on the prowl, hunting females with low self-esteem. Of course, they had to make a genuine effort to pretend they were interested in the women, which was tough because a lot of what these particular women had to say wasn’t very interesting... and the guys had to remember the details.

“What’s the matter?” he heard Descent ask his buddy. “Hottest ladies’ night in months and you’re not even checking out the action.”

They didn’t stay very long. After leaving the bar, they made their way over to their boss, Nightshade, who was standing, acting as lookout, outside Needles’ Tattoo Parlor.

After the Dragon took out Legerdemain’s drug labs at the trailer park, the crime boss decided to be a little more discreet in how he moved his product. He had converted the second floor of the tattoo parlor--located just off Pleasant View (the Red Light District in the city)--into another drug lab. Whenever his Ravens cooked up a new batch, they walked downstairs and sold it to the people buying ink from Needles.

The Equestrian Dragon hopped down to the fire escape and peered inside one of the second-story windows. Glimpsing seven members of the Raven cartel sitting at various tables, he smashed the window and entered the tattoo parlor just as Descent asked Shadow Surprise, “So, where you crashing tonight?”

“Do you kids have a permit for whatever you’re doing here?” he asked them. “And what are you doing?”

“The Dragon’s here!” Descent shouted. “Scatter!”

After the Dragon forced his way in, the Ravens tried to defend the four lightly defended drug labs from him but where quickly overwhelmed and forced to split up.

“Nightshade, the Dragon’s here and it’s coming after us!”

“Shadow Surprise, you’ve got to be kidding!” she replied.

The tattoo parlor shook as the Equestrian Dragon darted off the walls and ceilings in the floor above.

“Does that sound like I’m kidding?” Shadow Surprise asked.

“Run for it!” Descent yelled.

Heeding the alert, his peers, the crackheads and the coke whores all raced from the tattoo parlor, putting as much distance behind them as possible... only to run into Sting and the rest of the Bumble Cruisers MC.

“Going somewhere?” he snarled.

Back inside the building, the Equestrian Dragon the headed downstairs and cornered everyone that was still there. They cowered behind a blonde in a black leather racing suit with sickly green lightning bolt accents. Her name was Lightning Dust.

A woman with an impressive reputation for being “Equestria’s most dangerous daredevil”, who specialized in performing death-defying stunts, she was no stranger to danger. She had set a record in the Book of World Records for most broken bones in a single crash: one hundred and eighty-nine. Evil Kinetic still held the record for most in a lifetime, but he was the only one who had her beat. And if she was not in action, she was in traction.

To Lightning Dust, failure was fuel for success.

Rainbow Dash had seen Lightning Dust not only run deadly obstacle courses, but risk life and limb for absolutely no reason.

“This show is a mind-numbing waste of satellite frequencies,” she’d said. “Some kid’s going to get hurt trying to imitate that girl’s stunts.”

And many had... from sneaking into bear cages at local zoos to her greatest feat: skydiving off the Seaddle Space Needle--without a parachute--into a pool of nacho cheese.

“Parachutes?” she’d asked. “We don’t need no stinking parachutes.”

Then there was the incident in New Yoke City, where she attempted the ultimate in extreme action: “the stunt to end all stunts” which included launching herself from a trampoline, through three ring hoops on fire, bungee jumping under a bridge, then—after flipping up and over that same bridge and onto her dirt bike—she would hit a ramp, bouncing up with a half twist, fly over four big yellow school buses filled with ferocious lions and tigers, soar over a water tank containing four great white sharks, jump a volcano, and finally, finish by cannonballing 47,000 feet into a roofless pillow factory... blindfolded! (Don’t ask how.)

“Warning, this may end smiling, blinking, whistling, stamp licking, walking, breathing, nostril functions, the ability to think freely and life itself,” the disclaimer warned them.

“Is a stunt really a stunt if you don’t risk your bodily functions?” Lightning Dust asked.

Her ratings and merchandise sales were at an all-time high... as were copycat incidents.

“It means they’re watching,” she’d said. “It’s not my fault if they decide to imitate me.”

It seemed like she was going to stay on top... until reports of the rash of copycat stunts across the country prompted the network to cancel her show. Ultimately, she was fired for “being a bad role model for kids”, setting a bad example, and being a bad influence in general.

“Surrender now and no harm will come to you,” the Dragon told Lightning Dust. “You’ll never get away with this.”

“Oh, another satisfied subscriber to the Cliché of the Month Club,” she retorted.

He had given her a chance to give up and come quietly, but Lightning Dust had her sights set on beating the Equestrian Dragon.

“I’ll hold him off!” she shouted as she pulled out a switchblade, giving them enough time to escape, which they did... by diving through the tattoo parlor’s front window.

The three Shadowbolts managed to evade pursuit, but Lightning Dust wasn’t so lucky. After a brief grappling match, the Equestrian Dragon retaliated by wresting Lightning Dust’s knife from her and jammed the blade into her thigh. The Equestrian Dragon then forced the remaining Raven Cartel members into a backroom, shut and barred the door, trapping them inside, before destroying the last of the drugs in the tattoo parlor, driving off the rest of Legerdemain’s clientele, whom Sting and his buddies then chained to the dumpsters in the alley, and the Dragon finally flew away, leaving the Ravens and Lightning Dust for the police.

.

The next morning was a beautiful day in New Canterlot City.

Shady Daze and Featherweight had witnessed the Equestrian Dragon’s feats from the alley across from the tattoo parlor the night before, and took photos of the Bumble Cruisers MC turning the Raven Cartel members over to the police when they arrived on the scene.

“And in our top story, Shady Daze of the New Canterlot City Gazette reports that extreme daredevil, Lightning Dust, is a drug dealer,” Nosey News reported.

“Did you see it, my name in ink?” Shady Daze asked. “The Gazette liked my story so much they’re thinking of giving me a column. I’m also in Equestria Today! I’m national!”

“‘Ace reporter Shady Daze heralded for breaking the story of TV action heroine. Lightning Dust’s ratings plummet faster than her fall from glory,’” Featherweight read the published article. “You did it.”

“No. We did it,” Shady corrected him.

That’s when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon invited the boys to sit with them at lunch.

“I’m having a little get together tonight,” Diamond Tiara added. “No biggie... just fifty of my closest friends. You have to do a write-up for the paper.”

“Do I?” Featherweight asked.

“How else will the social outcasts know what they’ve missed?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“You could invite them,” Shady Daze suggested.

Silver Spoon laughed. “You are so funny.”

Meanwhile, on Sound Stage 12 at Canter Zoom Studios, director Canter Zoom himself was overseeing the final touches being put on the haunted house set inspired by Michael Jackass’s “Thriller” music video, with the band members dressed as monsters.

As a New Canterlot University alum, Canter Zoom was more than happy to allow Spike Zenith—the man who not only kept the school open, but was also paying the cast and crew all out of his own pockets—the chance to sit in on the filming of the music video.

Spike had invited Applejack, Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy to the studio, and Sting and the Bumble Cruisers MC provided security for them.

“So, three years digging up bones from Jamaneica to Tahayiti,” High Spirits said as she brought Spike a plain bagel. “How did Mrs. Zenith handle that?”

“I’m not married,” Spike stated.

“Really?” she asked hopefully. “A girlfriend or...?”

“No,” he replied. “Frankly, I work too much.”

“So you mean to tell me there’s no one who holds a special place in your heart?”

“No. Not for a long time now,”

“Well, I think you’re cute,” she said.

Spike leveled his gaze at High Spirits and said, “Imagine what that means to me.”

As they sneaked peeks at the Buckstreet Boys being outfitted with their monster hair and makeup, the other girls wished they could dress up as monsters and join them in the video.

Fluttershy was especially excited about the thought of putting on a tight, form-fitting black dress and playing the vampire’s bride.

A few minutes later, the girls got their wish... when Spike overheard Canter Zoom growling and grumbling while making phone calls.

“Is everything all right, Canter Zoom?” he asked.

“I can’t talk right now,” he replied quickly. “The backup dancers just called in sick.”

“Well, sir, today is your lucky day,” Rarity said. “My friends and I could stand in for them. We know all of the Buckstreet Boys’ dances.”

“I don’t know...” Canter Zoom said hesitantly.

“We’ll do it for free,” Rarity said quickly.

“You’re hired!” the director replied.

After the girls, even Rainbow Dash, got into costume, Canter Zoom gave them a quick run-through of the dance they would be doing.

“No, no, it’s hip to the left, hip to the right, spin and then slide!” he shouted. “I want this video to be as magical as my Cushy Tushie toilet paper extravaganza!”

“Your salute to two-ply was a moving experience, sir,” Rolling Stone, his assistant, said.

“Yes. Yes, it was. All right, places, people! Roll camera, and... Action!”

The video started with the Buckstreet Boys’ bus breaking down and the driver insisting that they stay the night in the mansion while he went for help. It then cut to Bass Literal prepared to go to sleep in one of the bedrooms, but an animal poked its head out from under the covers, making him scream in horror.

That’s when the musical portion of the video began—it was a dream sequence in which each Buckstreet Boy appeared as a different movie monster: Bass as the Wolfman, Howdy Rough as Dracolta, Knick Carter as the Mummy, AJ McLean as the Phantom of the Opera, and Bari Tone as a half-transformed Mr. Hyde. And near the end of the video, they appeared together in the mansion’s foyer, performing their routine... with Applejack, Sunset Shimmer, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity throwing their hands up and waving them around in the air.

.

Canter Zoom thanked the girls for their help and when Rainbow Dash opened her backpack to grab her bottle of water, the other girls noticed several Buckstreet Boys CDs and posters. Upon discovering the merchandise, the girls realized that Rainbow Dash was a closet fan girl. In fact, she was just as much of a fan as they were.

“You like the Buckstreet Boys?” Fluttershy asked. “But you hate boy bands.”

“Okay, yes. They’re awesome,” Rainbow Dash admitted it. “But if you tell anyone else about this, you’re dead,” she stated.

Dash also admitted that she felt really embarrassed about liking them, and her friends reassured her that there was no need for her to be ashamed. Now that they knew her secret, Spike took them all backstage after the shoot so they could meet the band.

“Sparkling apple juice all around!” he said.

“Uh, hi. Um, could you, uh, sign this for me?” Rainbow Dash asked AJ McLean.

“For you, anything,” AJ smiled as he autographed her Buckstreet’s Back CD.

As they exited the movie studio, they were met by Zephyr Breeze, who asked Rainbow Dash, “What’s that behind your back?”

“Nothing!” she lied.

Zephyr Breeze snatched the CD case, whereupon he read the autograph.

“‘To Rainbow Dash, with love, from AJ.’ From AJ?! As in the Buckstreet Boy?” he asked. “And I thought--”

Dash tackled him, retrieving her CD, but caused Applejack to step off the curb in the process. She was about to hit the pavement when Spike reached out and caught her.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Ya always seem to be at the right place at the right time these days...”

She and the rest of the girls thanked Spike again and he bid them farewell.

Author's Note

Next time: Spike reflects on when he decided that he wanted to move to the new world of Equestria... but the settlers had other plans.