Any Means Necessary

by Iron McGalley

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1743

Starlight Glimmer has been working a bit too hard. Princess Luna, in the interest of national security, sends you to put an end to this. By any means necessary.

Starlight Glimmer has been working a bit too hard. Princess Luna, in the interest of national security, sends you to put an end to this.

By any means necessary.

Published 2020-10-18 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-18 18:40:01 UTC

Her Agents Never Sleep

Princess Luna was already waiting for you in the foyer of the Canterlot Center for the Arts & Culture when you arrived. It was opera night in Canterlot, and some of Equestria's finest artists were gathered to perform Luna's favorite, Poniacci. But you could tell from a mile away the occasion was anything but frivolous.

"Your Majesty," you said and bowed. Luna simply nodded her acknowledgement and dismissed her guards.

"Anon, it pleases me to see you tonight. I only wish it were under different circumstances."

"The feeling is mutual, Princess. Perhaps some other time?"

Luna smiled, and you felt your spirit grow wings and take off. But the princess of the midnight sky soon regained her composure. Business, it seemed, was rather pressing. So you swallowed your disappointment and a sigh, and took the envelope the princess handed over to you.

"The details of your assignment are within. Destroy the envelop as soon as you've memorized its contents. Good luck, Anon. Equestria is..." she paused and you felt your heart pause with her, "I am counting on you. Please be safe."

"Always, Princess Luna," you said, and bowed your goodbye.

Without another word you turned back and left the theater for the darkness of Canterlot's foggy midnight air. Your train would be departing within the hour—that much you knew from experience—and the rest you could figure out on the way to your destination. With practiced dexterity you tore the envelope open and produced a single train ticket.

Ponyville.

So that's where the winds of your labor must now take you. So be it. Anything for Equestria, for its little ponies, and the Mare in the Moon. Tightening the grip of your coat around your neck, you pressed deeper into the night.

***

Starlight Glimmer, the report said. You read quickly and carefully—committing the crucial details of your mission to memory—and then proceeded to destroy the missive. You balled up the sugar-based paper and popped it into your coffee. Seconds later it was gone, and your beverage was delicious. You sipped its dark, caffeinated promise of relaxation, and thought of the night ahead.

Starlight Glimmer was a powerful pony. A very powerful pony, and a close friend and asset to the crown. By Luna's flowing mane, but this wasn't just any mission. Realization hit you like a bullet, and you swallowed your coffee without really tasting it. You glanced about the wagon.

Empty, thank the night. You allowed yourself a sigh and rubbed your heavy eyelids. You stood up and walked over to the washroom to splash some water on your face.

If Luna needed you to take care of Starlight, then things must be truly dire. You could only wonder at what it could be that had pushed the princesses to this, but you decided not to. It wasn't your job to judge, or to search for a higher meaning in the things you must do to guarantee Equestria's safety. Luna's safety. Whatever it took, you reminded yourself as you washed your face and stared into your own eyes in the washroom mirror. No questions asked, no witnesses, no trace to follow back to the princesses. That was your thing, and you were bloody good at it. Tonight wouldn't be any different, no matter who the pony in question might be.

You checked the door behind you—locked—and glanced at the hidden holster under your coat. Everything was in place. Princess of the Midnight Sky, tonight thy will be done.

Straightening your jacket, you stepped out of the room and headed for the exit. The train had come to a stop and the whistle announced its arrival. The time had come.

***

Sneaking past the station staff was simple. Darkness was your ally, experience and skill were your tools, and soon you were moving between the shadows just around Ponyville's edge. The school of friendship was nearby, where the brief said the target would be working into the early hours of the morning. She was researching something important, something that she wouldn't leave alone until the truth had come to light.

You approached the school's perimeter at precisely quarter past three in the morning. All lights were off, save for one. The target would be there, you were certain. It was only a matter of getting inside now, and you had come prepared. You produced a small talisman, enchanted by Luna herself, and pierced the outer layer of magical alarms with ease. Every so often you'd feel the electric tingling of a magical signature surge over your skin, and you'd repeat the process, though each time it took more out of the talisman, and its charge was running low.

When your hands finally touched the stone bridge of the school a measure of relief washed over you. A deep breath and a final check of the talisman later, and you pressed on. It was almost dawn.

***

Starlight Glimmer was awake, slaving away at a stack of documents and research papers piled up into three great towers on her office desk. A dozen coffee mugs were strewn about the place, most of them empty. If the bags under her eyes and the exhausted candles surrounding her were any indicator, she'd been working nonstop for Luna knew how long.

You watched her from the relative darkness of the hallway through the door she had left slightly ajar. Taking a moment to check under your coat for your gun, you prepared yourself for the next part. The hard part. Only the knowledge that it would soon be over gave you the strength to do it.

***

Something fell outside in the hallway. Starlight Glimmer started and stared at the doorway, barely open, and so full of darkness on the other side. She shifted in her seat and swallowed.

"Is anypony there?" she asked, terrified that somepony, or something may answer. But nothing responded, and she stood to investigate. Outside, the hallway was deserted, as should be the rest of the school. Starlight wandered the hallway for a bit, using candlelight to check around corners for what had made the sound.

She found it eventually. One of the picture frames had come loose from its nail and dropped slightly, bumping against the wall. With a sigh of relief she fixed it as best she could and headed back to her office, where a warm cup of coffee was waiting for her.

She smiled as the warm scent of roasted coffee beans and vanilla floated up at her, and took a sip.

***

You emerged from the shadows and entered the room as soon as the tranquilizers had taken effect, and Starlight was fast asleep on her desk. With all the stealth of a shadow, you approached the sleeping pony and reached for her.

It was then that she zapped you. A beam of concentrated cerulean magic blasted from her horn, aimed squarely at your chest, and missed but by a fraction of a finger's breadth. The air caught in your throat and your heart seemed to stop as the ray of raw power rushed past you and pushed the doors behind you wide open with a loud thud! You grunted and reached under your coat, and just as Starlight prepared a second blast, you pulled out your gun and shot two tranquilizing darts into her tummy.

She blinked once, twice, and the magic fizzled out from her horn.

"Whu..." she managed to say, before sleep overwhelmed her. The second most powerful unicorn in Equestria collapsed back into her chair, snoring loudly.

It took a while to get your head back in the game and your heartbeat to steady. When you finally dared get close again, you noticed the coffee mug—simple ceramic with a blue unicorn wearing a starry hat painted on its front, 'To My Greatest and Powerfullest Friend!' was written just under the rim—and a basic illusion spell dissipated from it. It was still full.

You smiled. The little ponies could be devious when they wanted.

Starlight was a little heavier than you expected—a large box of pizza jammed into the trashcan nearby could perhaps begin to explain that—but it wasn't a problem. You lifted her from her chair and took her in your arms. This was your favorite part of the job, you thought with a grin.

***

Starlight snored lightly as you cradled and rocked her into the deeper parts of slumber where Luna could begin to work her own magic. You had extinguished the candles, fashioned out a bed out of the nearby couch, some throw pillows, and a couple blankets nearby. Now you held the little pony in your arms and whispered to her an enchanted lullaby.

"You're a good pony," you said to her, and rubbed little circles on the side of her head, being careful to be gentle. "You're a smart pony."

Starlight mumbled something or another in her sleep and nuzzled your chest. She was smiling, perhaps at your words, or maybe Luna was already weaving her magic in her dreams. Either way, it was good to see the stress wash away. You chuckled.

"You're a little, cute, adorable pony," you said, between verses of the enchanted lullaby. Its words danced and painted pleasant images in Starlight's mind—of her friends, her favorite things, and bright visions of tomorrow—and eased her out of stress and worry. Come morning, Starlight Glimmer would be a refreshed, happy pony, ready to tackle the challenges of life from a better perspective. But for now, she could rest.

It also, conveniently, took care of the dozen minutes or so before she lost consciousness. Luna would make sure to replace the memories with silly dreams, fantastical half-truths, that would make great conversation pieces and nothing more.

"Sleep tight now, and never forget to take care of the most important little pony in your life," you said, as the closing words of the lullaby faded into magical wisps. "A smart and good little pony called Starlight Glimmer."

You tucked Starlight into her makeshift bed and stepped out into the darkness of the hallway, smiling, glad of yet another mission accomplished. It was a tough job, but a necessary one. As you walked away from the school of friendship and rubbed exhaustion from your eyes, you wondered on life, dreams, and obsessive little ponies who worked too hard for their own good.

You also thought of Luna. She owed you a date.