Rainbow Dash is... Average?

by Dreadnought

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2629

The coolest pegasus around is just average?

It's official. Rainbow Dash, the coolest mare in all of Equestria, is just plain average. How can this be?

Written for the A Most Delightful Ponidox contest.

Featured on October 19th and October 21st!

Published 2020-10-19 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-19 01:00:01 UTC

Who Would Have Thought?

Author's Note

So, I had heard about "A Most Delightful Ponidox" contest a while ago, but nothing came to mind. It wasn't until I was driving to the gym a few hours ago that inspiration struck. And so, after an satisfying run, I sat down and hammered this out, just before the final deadline. I hope you enjoy it!

I'd also like to note this is officially my 50th story:

Who Would Have Thought?

On a beautiful summer day in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash lay on a fluffy white cloud. This sight was all too common, as the pegasus had a reputation for taking long daytime naps. But today the cloud was quiet without the usual snores that were loud enough to raise the dead. The pegasus had often been known to lounge around reading or re-reading the Daring Do adventures. But both her forelegs hung limply off the edge of the cloud and she just stared off into the distance. None of the normal hustle and bustle below caught her attention. She just seemed to be lost in thought, something extremely uncommon for this mare who was often chided for hitting first and asking questions later.

“Why so blue?” came a voice.

She looked up at the figure floating above. “Oh hi, Discord,” she said, then laid her head back down on the cloud.

“‘Oh hi, Discord? Oh hi, Discord?’ Is that all I, the Lord of Chaos, now merit? A simple ‘Oh hi, Discord!”

“How are you?” she asked indifferently.

“Well, I’m fine, thank you for asking. I’m still getting used to the fact that Twilight now has a castle that literally grew out of the ground last week. And then there’s the – wait a minute.” He pointed an accusatory talon at her, “You still didn’t answer my question. Why so blue?”

Rainbow Dash sighed, “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m always blue.”

Discord studied her for a moment, “Well, that’s easy to fix.” He snapped a claw.

She looked down at her coat, “I’m yellow!”

“Yes, that’s an improvement,” said Discord as he rubbed his chin, “but still not enough.” A light bulb flashed above his head. He snapped his claw again.

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes and growled, “What did you do now?”

Discord pulled a mirror out of thin air. Rainbow dash grabbed it and stared in disbelief. She was a pale yellow, of course, but now her dark pink eyes shined a bright blue and her rainbow-colored mane was a light pink. “Wha?”

Snapping a photograph, Discord proclaimed, “Oh, now you look almost like the best pony in Equestria! I can’t wait to show Fluttershy your photo.”

Rainbow Dash looked him squarely in the eyes. “Change. Me. Back. NOW!”

He stuck out his tongue. “Oh, you’re no fun!” He snapped his claws and the familiar blue pegasus had returned.

“I’m not really in the mood for your antics today, Discord,” huffed Rainbow Dash as she rolled away from the draconequus.

He floated into her field of view. “And when are you ever in the mood for my chaos?”

She huffed and rolled over again.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, maybe I can help.” He floated in front of her once again. He waited for a moment then complained, “Oh come on! Isn’t telling others about your problems something friends do? Didn’t somepony write a letter to the princess about this?” A flash later and he wore reading glasses as he examined several pieces of parchment.

“Oh fine. I’m just bummed out today.”

“I can see that clear as Celestia’s baking sun overhead,” he said, wearing sunshades and a swimsuit while applying a heavy layer of sunscreen. “Why are you ‘bummed out’?”

“Twilight went through this portal to another world. There’s a whole other Rainbow Dash over there that –”

“Wait! Are you telling me that Twilight is out of the kingdom? I can get away with anything and nopony can stop me?” He tapped his claws together and a maniacal grin spread across his face.

Suddenly sitting up, she glared at him, “You wouldn’t!”

He booped her lightly on the nose, “Haven’t you heard, I’m reformed?”

Rubbing her muzzle, she said, “Hopefully this time around.”

Discord ignored her. “So you’re bummed out that Twilight gets to go to this other world?”

“Yeah, there’s another Rainbow Dash over there that she’s met, but she says we can’t go visit them because she thinks having two of everypony would make things a mess.”

Discord rubbed his chin, “So, you want to meet a Rainbow Dash from another dimension?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said,” said an irritated Rainbow Dash.

“You don’t think there’s another way to meet an interdimensional Rainbow Dash?”

She thought for a moment, “No.”

Discord looked shocked, “No?”

“No.”

“NO!?” cried Discord, as flashing arrows literally pointed at him.

“You!?”

A bell starting ringing. “That’s right, now Johnny tell her what she’s won!”

A disembodied voice began, “Rainbow Dash, you’ve just won a new you!”

She cocked her head, “Huh?”

Discord shook his head. “Follow me,” he ordered as he flew to the ground.

A moment later she was looking up at him quizzically. He produced from nowhere a pair of scissors.

“What are those?” she asked.

“Interdimensional scissors, very popular with the kids these days.” He reached up into the air above them and there was a loud ripping noise. Suddenly a blue blur fell through and landed right in front of them.

The blue pegasus sat upright and adjusted her glasses.

Pointing at the new arrival, she demanded, “Who’s that?”

“I’m the Doctor!”

“What?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Discord sighed, “Rainbow Dash, let me introduce you to Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash stared at the new mare.

Adjusting her glasses, the pegasus said, “Actually, it’s Doctor Rainbow Dash.”

“Doctor?” asked Rainbow. “So, you’re like some sort of brain surgeon?”

“No, no,” she shook her head. “PhD in theoretical physics. Now can some pony –” she looked at Discord “– can some creature tell me what’s going on?”

“Of course, my little Dashie,” said Discord condescendingly, “I brought you to another dimension to meet your parallel self.”

“You did?” she asked skeptically.

“Yes, I am the Lord of –”

“OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh!OhMyGosh! Interdimensional travel is theoretically possible but developing a practical means is considered impossible given the inadequacies in our understanding of quantum physics, not to mention the engineering limitations in both materials science and power generation. How did you do it? Did you harness the fluctuations in neutrinos to create a trans-phasic field? Did you power it with an antimatter-matter reaction or is nuclear fusion enough? Can we test quantum entanglement across dimensions? What about –” A blue hoof caused her to mumble her next words.

“Seriously, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” complained Rainbow Dash as she removed her hoof and shook it free of drool.

Discord laughed. Suddenly he was wearing a deerstalker hat, “It’s all very elementary my dear doctor, I used nothing so unbelievable. The answer is chaos magic.” He blew bubbles from his pipe.

Doctor Dash stared at him. “No seriously, how did you do it?”

“Chaos magic,” said an increasingly annoyed Discord.

“This is Discord,” explained Rainbow Dash, “the Lord of Chaos.”

“Wait!” cried Doctor Dash. “You mean like that lawn ornament in the gardens of Canterlot? I thought it was just a myth.”

“Ah, so my parallel self is still in stone? Maybe I’ll have to arrange a prison break.”

Standing proudly, the pegasus proclaimed, “So, if she’s the brainiac, then I guess I’m the cool Rainbow Dash.”

“Actually,” clarified Discord, “you're not ‘the cool Rainbow Dash’.”

“What?”

Discord reached up into the dimensional rift and rummaged around for a moment before pulling out another Rainbow Dash.

“Extraordinary,” remarked Doctor Dash.

“What!” cried the new blue pegasus, who seemed to be wearing battle armor.

“Who are you?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Obviously, Rainbow Dash,” replied Doctor Dash.

“Hey, I’m Master Chief Dash to you!” cried the new Rainbow Dash.

“Woah,” said Rainbow Dash, “how’d you get that scar?”

Master Chief pointed up to her right eye. “This old thing? It’s from Ahuizotl.”

“You’ve battled Ahuizotl alongside Daring Do?”

“Pfft! I’ve had to save that amateur from Ahuizotl at least a dozen times.”

“What?”

“Yep, I’ve seen my fair share of combat. You see this scar? It was given to me by Nightmare Moon, right before I sent her sorry ass back to the moon. You see this one? It’s from when I defeated Discord. And you can’t see them, but I’ve three broken ribs and a punctured lung from when I clobbered Tirek.”

“Wow, so you’re like the leader of the Elements of Harmony?” asked an awe-struck Rainbow Dash.

“No. I work alone.”

“You’ve – you’ve defeated all of them by yourself.”

Discord leaned down and whispered into Rainbow Dash’s ear, “I told you she was the cool one. On a scale of cool, you’re just average.”

Rainbow Dash stiffened. “So what am I, the lame dumb one?”

Discord chuckled. Wearing waders and an old hat, he cast a fishing line through the portal. There was a tug, and he reeled in another blue pegasus.

The blue pegasus flopped on the ground like a fish for a moment until Discord vanished the fishing gear.

“What’s up?”

“He’s a stallion!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“Well,” said Doctor Dash, “there was a fifty percent probability that he would be male in his dimension. Assuming that Discord is pulling randomly, then there is an increasing probability that he would pull from a male dimension.”

The other two mares stared blankly at her.

“’Sup ladies,” said the newest addition. “Hey, you three kinda look like me. Maybe we’re related.”

Doctor Dash continued, “Actually, we are parallel permutations of the same equine. Given that you are male, you have at most sixty-three of the same chromosomes as the rest of us, but it is likely there could be some additional genetic anomalies.”

“Huh?” he asked. “You should learn to speak ponish.”

“I am speaking ponish,” she said, with increased irritation in her voice.

“There you go, I knew you could do it.”

Rainbow Dash said, “She’s saying that we’re from different worlds. I’m Rainbow Dash, this is Doctor Dash, and this is Master Chief Dash.”

“I’m Rainbow Blitz. So, are we related or something?”

Discord said, “He’s the dumb Rainbow Dash. On an intelligence scale, Rainbow Dash, you’re just average.”

Looking up at Discord, Blitz asked, “Woah, dude, are you like sick or something?”

“Well, if I’m not the smartest or dumbest or coolest, then I’m at least the only one with a royal title. I’m the Element of Loyalty!” she beamed.

A buzzer sounded. “Not really.”

He snapped his claws and the rift vomited another Rainbow Dash.

All four pegasi stared in disbelief.

“Discord!” the newest arrival reprimanded. “I should have known it was you! I was in the middle of a very important peace negotiation between the yaks and the griffons when –” She saw the other pegasi. Lighting her horn, she adjusted her crown as she dusted some dirt from her dress.

The draconequus said, “Ladies, gentlestallion, allow me to introduce her royal highness, Princess Rainbow Dash.”

An awkward silence followed as nopony knew what to say.

Discord finally said, “She is the ruler of Equestria, a nearly divine alicorn, and your friends here are petty commoners. So Rainbow Dash, your title puts you as average on the royal scale.”

“But, but, nopony works harder than me! You should see how hard I train for the Wonderbolts!”

Discord took a shovel, climbed into the rift, and a moment later returned with a skeleton.

“Who’s that?” asked a horrified Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, this one is the version of you that literally worked herself to death. Compared to her and the spaced-out stallion over there, your work ethic is just average.”

“But, but –”

“Oh, we can keep this up.”

A moment later, a beautiful pegasus mare in a stunning dress dropped out of the rift.

“What’s going on? I was in the middle of modeling at the Canterlot Royal Fashion Show, now I’m lost somewhere in the country?”

Another pony dropped through. This one was colored like Rainbow Dash but had the build of Bulk Biceps.

Discord smiled, “The one on the left is the most feminine Rainbow Dash, the steroid-fueled one on the right is the most macho. Once again, you’re just average.”

“Wha –”

Another pair dropped through. One was a little filly still in diapers, the other one appeared older than even Granny Smith.

“Again Rainbow Dash, you’re just average!” chuckled Discord.

“I’m... just... average?” she said, trying to process the revelation as her ego took a nosedive.

“Yes!” cried Discord.

Silence reigned, except for the scratch of pencils on parchment.

“Actually Discord,” began Doctor Dash as she looked at her calculations, “you’ve just disproved your own thesis.”

He turned to the bespectacled mare. “How do you figure that?”

“Well, all you’ve produced are extreme versions of us. But she is average. She’s the anomaly.”

The top of Discord’s head blew at the revelation. “What?”

“Because she’s so normal, she’s abnormal compared to all of us.”

“Wait, I can prove you wrong!”

Discord used a magnet and three Rainbow Dash’s flew through the rift. One was a police officer, the second was a construction worker, and the third was wearing a war bonnet.

Doctor Dash just smiled.

Discord began shaking the rift like a saltshaker.

Seven more pegasi dropped out.

Desperately, Discord looked to Doctor Dash, who merely quirked an eyebrow.

Wielding a baseball bat, Discord beat the rift causing dozens of pegasi to drop out and onto the ground. He stared deep into the smirking face of Doctor Dash as he took even more wild swings at the rift. Finally, huffing, he landed on the ground and surveyed the crowd. Scores – no hundreds – of individuals stared back at him. They all shared confused looks or stared at him like he was a raving lunatic.

“Ahem,” came the familiar voice of Doctor Dash, “like you were saying, Rainbow Dash is totally average. Because of that, she’s completely unaverage.”

Discord collapsed to the ground. A blue draconequus with a rainbow mane leaned over him. “Huh, I thought we draconequuses were supposed to be tough. I must be at least twenty percent tougher than him.”

Rainbow Dash looked over the vast sea of rainbow manes. Turning to Doctor Dash, she said, “So, I’m average?”

She nodded, “Yes, and that’s what makes you totally unique.”

Rainbow Dash considered her words for a moment. She shot into the air and spread her forelegs wide as she proclaimed, “I’m average!!!”

The mirror rippled and a lavender alicorn and purple dragon arrived in the library. “Wow, I’m glad that’s over. I hope we don’t have to deal with an interdimensional crisis again for a long time.”

“Twilight!” cried Rarity as she raced up to the princess. “You have to come right away!” She turned and bolted out the door, with Twilight and Spike close behind.

Reaching a balcony, Twilight skidded to a halt as she surveyed the scene before her. Outside Ponyville was awash in a literal tide of rainbow-colored manes. Several hundred more blue pegasi flittered about in the air. In the foreground there was a full-fledged hoofball game featuring full rosters of Rainbow Dashes and thousands of cheering Rainbow Dashes as spectators. In the distance, sonic rainbooms exploded with such frequency it was like a daytime fireworks show.

“Woah,” said Spike. “It looks like Rainbow Dash found the Mirror Pond.”

“What’s going on here?” Twilight wondered.

Discord leaned down from behind and said with a wicked grin, “Rainbow Dash is getting to know herself.”