Chapters Somewhere in Connecticut… Crap, how will it start? John thought. After much deliberation, he had it figured out. He began to type his idea, when his laptop spontaneously shut down.How will it start?
Turdy1 here! At the moment, ten chapters are done, but they will be published in order every Wednesday for the next ten weeks. Now, you could either wait patiently for the next few weeks, or you can cheat and go read it on Michael's page which is right here.
And yes, that's my real name. Let the Pope/John Paul Jones jokes ensue. And don't be afraid to address me as John, either.
A Semi-Predictable Arrival
Chapter 1: A Semi-Predictable Arrival
"-SHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTT!" Michael screamed as the portal ejected him face down onto the hard-packed ground. After a few moments, he groggily stood up and looked around. It appeared he was in a field somewhere that looked cartoony, and it didn't smell like ass or dust…or black people.
That instantly told him he wasn't in Texas anymore.
He wiped the blood from his nose as he headed down a path not too far from him; he was trying to see WHERE he was. It looked like somewhere in South America, but where was the Amazon River? He hadn't seen a Wal-mart for miles and those things are damn-near everywhere, like one time when he was camping, he ran across a Wal-mart holding off zombies. Nazi zombies, of course, but that's a different story altogether.
As he walked a bit further, he heard a large cracking sound, and looked up
A sonic boom? Oh…shit…I hope I'm not on a missile proving ground… As he kept scanning the sky, he saw a rainbow-colored streak pass by a few times. He assumed it was a gay eagle, and wished he had his MK3A1 to fill it full of holes. A few seconds later, after the blur disappeared, a tomboyish voice behind him said "What in the name of Celestia are you?"
He paused for a moment. He had heard that voice somewhere, and he sure as hell knew who Celestia was. It was coming to him. He turned around and saw a cyan colored pony with a rainbow mane standing there, looking at him in a semi-threatening way.
He wanted to say something profound and amazing, but all he could think of was a quote from Commander Sheppard. He pointed at the pony and said "I'm Commander Blackburn, and Rainbow Dash is my favorite pony in Equestria!"
She gave him a strange look. "Hey," She started, "Who are you really, and how do you know my name!"
Blackburn stopped for a moment. His answer could fuck up somepony's well-being. He looked at her and said "Well…my name's Michael Blackburn, esteemed writer and founder of the "Tali Show Your Face" foundation…I know your Rainbow Dash because…shit…I can't explain, it's a little weird."
Rainbow Dash shook her head and said "A little weird? You're not a pony, that's weird! And it's not like you fell from the sky and landed on your face!" Blackburn's face puckered from the last comment, then said "wellll…I kinda did. Ok, pull up a seat, this'll be a LONG story indeed…"
(Meanwhile, not far away…)
John pulled himself off the ground, adjusting his ever present olive green cap on the way up. He then picked up his glasses to see what else followed him. Lying on the grass was his laptop (Which was still intact, thank GOD!), the remains of an improvised Lego mic-stand, and a bobble-head turtle that always sat on his laptop. He stuck the Legos and turtle in his pockets, picked up his laptop and proceeded to look around.
"Now, where in the hell am I?" he wondered out loud. A quick look revealed an unusual, but familiar structure nearby. It appeared to be the result of a cozy cottage making sweet love to a tree. Covering it were several bird houses, and furry woodland creatures scampered about.
It was fucking Fluttershy's house.
"I'm in fucking Equestria." He clutched his hat in despair. On one hand, his inner fanboy was exploding with joy. Plus, he was within walking distance of the kindest creature to ever exist in any universe. On the other hand, he was a human magically teleported to Equestria. This had "Half-assed fanfic" written all over it.
"Well, I guess I'll visit Fluttershy, He figured, "Don't have any other options." As he approached the front door, furry woodland creatures of various makes and models ran in terror from the lanky, one-hundred fifteen pound, glasses wearing human. He delivered a Shave-and-a-haircut knock to the door.
"Coming!" called a nervous voice from inside.
Holy fuck that was Fluttershy! Was the only thought screaming in his head. In moments, the door opened.
"Um, h-hello?" the yellow Pegasus said. John could barely contain himself. She was just as adorable as he had imagined: her mouth hung agape, her eyes open in terror, her body trembled from fright.
And then she fainted.
"Jeez, I really think this one through did I?" John said to no one in particular, scratching his head with his free hand. He became aware of a thumping sound. Looking though the doorway, he could see Fluttershy's rabbit Angel. The cute little bunny wore a face that showed just how fucking pissed off he was.
"I swear to God, I did NOT mean to do that!" He claimed as he raised his hands (nearly dropping his laptop). Angel didn't seem to buy it. After a stare-off that lasted several seconds, the human broke the silence.
"Should we get her on a couch or something?" Realizing that his owner was still lying unconscious in the doorway, the rabbit decided it was best to work with the human to bring the timid Pegasus in. John handed Angel his laptop, picked up Fluttershy, and carried here in, while Angel closed the door.
Remember how I said I'd wait a week to post a chapter? Well, Fimfiction required a minimum of 1,000 words for something to be published, so I had to add the second chapter. Whatever.
Chapter 2: Meeting of the Minds
At Fluttershy's house…
Fluttershy opened her eyes to find she was on the couch in her living room. As her vision cleared, she realized there were two figures in front of her. One was her pet bunny Angel. The other was the creature that was at her door. By the sound of it, she woke up at the end of an interesting conversation.
"…My only regret is that I should've used the mattress to block the bathroom door, rather than make that fort." The creature said, causing the rabbit to crack up. He then glanced at the Pegasus.
"Oh look, Fluttershy's awake!" She backed away as far as her fainting couch would let her. John held out his hand, "My name's John Paul, and it is WONDERFUL to meet you."
"How-how do you know my name?" she nervously asked. "Oh, uh Angel told me." And that was the honest truth…
(Several minutes earlier…)
John carried the unconscious pegasus inside her house. "So where should I put Flu-" He caught himself. There was no way he could use Fluttershy's name. He had technically never met her before. "Er, what's her name?"
"Fluttershy." The bunny responded. John stifled a laugh. Angel sounded identical to the Arbiter from Halo. "So, where should I put Fluttershy?" The rabbit pointed to the couch.
(Present…)
"So, uh, what are you?" She asked, "I take care of all the animals here and I've never seen anything like you." "Well, I'm a human." The butter-yellow Pegasus began to think. "I think I've heard of those for somewhere, I'm not sure." She rose from the couch.
"My friend Twilight Sparkle runs the Ponyville library. I'm sure she'll have a book with an answer." The pony went to the door, motioning for the human to follow her. She then spoke to Angel
"We're going to be gone awhile, okay?" The rabbit nodded. "Good! Keep an eye on everything until I get back." And with that, the two left. Angel then whistled, drawing every animal in the house to him. He then led them to the well-stocked pantry.
Outside, the two were oblivious to Angel's plans. "Follow me please." Fluttershy asked. As they left her house, John glanced at the Everfree forest. In the shadows, he could make out what looked like a glowing purple eye. He quickly turned to Fluttershy.
"So, from what I gather, you know about all the animals around here, right?" She replied, "Why yes, why do you ask?" He looked back to the forest. The eye was gone. With it gone, he decided his original question was less important. Keeping the conversation going, he asked, "How do keep track of all that information? I mean, that's a lot of stuff to now when you think about it" "Oh, it's easy. All you need to do is…"
(Meanwhile, back with Michael…)
Despite the fact he had taken cross-country track most of his life, Michael couldn't compete in a race against the rainbow colored Pegasus. He leaned against the front door of the library, keeled over and panting like a dying cow. Dash looked at him and said "Man, your SOOO slow, I flew circles around you!"
He rolled his eyes and growled between pants.
"Maybe *huff*…maybe if you used your LEGS and not your wings, it would have been fair race…look, let's just see Twilight…all the dang ponies in this town are staring at me like I'm a weird freak!" Dash looked at him with a strange look and said "But I thought you WERE a strange freak!"
He opened the door of the library and said "I didn't have to put up with this junk on earth, just keep the military off of me so I don't end up being in a cage at some friggin' zoo!"
Dash flew past him and said "Military? Do the royal guards count, because other than that, everyone else in Equestria doesn't mess with the princess's ponies!"
Before he could explain his thoughts on the military, he looked up and saw a purple-haired unicorn looking at him, her eyes filled with wonder, and fear; he was a striking 6.2 feet tall, and 198 pounds of lean, runnin' machine…the ponies were tiny to him, and they knew it. Dash landed next to Twilight and said "What, bookworm? I thought the pony who charged a hydra would not be afraid of some human!"
She glanced at Blackburn, and then said "A human? We haven't seen one of those since the dawn of ponykind! Only the oldest books I have say what they were…"
He stepped forward and said "Look, Ms…uh, Ms. Twilight, you don't have to be afraid of me, I come in peace! My name is Michael L. Blackburn, writer and athlete of different sports, as well as a few other things…" he extended his hand out, and hoped the ponies knew what it meant, as well as hoped it didn't mean "Fuck you" in pony-lingo.
Twilight just looked at his hand and said "Well, it's nice to meet you…Mikey?" he cringed upon hearing the shortened version of his name; it was taboo for him. He shook his head and said "Please….just call me Michael, Black, or Blackburn…Mikey reminds me of things I don't want to remember."
She gave him a look, then said, "Alright…Black? I have some questions for you"
"Shoot."
"How did you get to Equestria?"
"Bill Gates sold me a shitty computer, and Steven Hawkins wrote a book about the cause of me being here, in a nutshell…I really don't know HOW I got here…."
"Okay…what do you mean by 'shitty computer', and who are the others you talked about?"
"You don't want to know."
She shrugged, seeing he was slightly annoyed. She turned to the shelf and a few seconds later, produced a large black book, with old crusty binding. The cover read Pony Lore of Past Eras.
A few seconds later, keeping her eyes on the page, Twilight spoke "It says here humans were around with ancient ponies, and disappeared after the princess gained power…humans were wise, smart, and effective creatures, and were well-known for their military power, science, and good communication skills."
He shook his head and said "The military part sounds like me…not so much the other parts, I guess, nobody's perfect!"
Twilight looked up and began to explain how the Princesses were, but just then, the door opened and Blackburn saw the form of Fluttershy lean in and say "Oh, Twilight, I found somepony you may want to—oh, wait, you found another one."
A few seconds later, a human Blackburn had never seen before stepped in carrying a laptop.
"Can we come in, please? I swear literally everyone in this town is staring at me," He asked. Blackburn pointed and said "Who's he?"
Fluttershy looked at him and said "Oh, I'm sorry. His name is John Paul, and he's a human just like you."
Blackburn recognized that name. At first, the guy who warned America of the Brits came to mind, but then another name came up:
His writer buddy Turdy1.
He stepped forward with his hand extended and said "Hey man…I think I know you. You may remember me…my name is Michael Blackburn."
Angel bunny is voiced by Keith David. Who knew?
So, I've ditched that stupid plan. A chapter a day 'til we run out. I think that sounds good
I'll bet a bunch of you will be disappointed when you find out what that glowing purple eye is. It's a bit hard to write this, since we both have different writing styles and they don't blend too well. so remember that two people wrote this, not just me.
God dammit! Why can't I make this whole thing olive!?
Chapter 3: A Letter from Our Fiends
"No shit, huh?" John replied as he shook Michael's hand. Twilight, meanwhile, was on the verge of a nerdgasm.
"Omigosh! Two humans? In here? I NEED to tell the princesses about this! SPIKE!" The little purple dragon emerged from an upstairs.
"What do you- oh, uh…" The little dragon was taken aback by the presence of two members of a long forgotten branch off the Equestria evolutionary tree. "Yo." Was John's simple greeting. Still staring at the humans, he continued, "So, ah, what do you need, Twilight?"
"Spike, take a letter." The dragon grabbed a nearby quill and a piece of paper, but John yanked it out of his claws.
"Can I write the letter please!" John begged. "Yeah, could I also write a letter to the princess? I have a few questions." Michael chimed in. "Uh, sure…" Spike gave John his quill and paper, while Twilight handed Michael a blank scroll and an extra quill.
"Dear Princess Celestia," The unicorn began, "My friends have found not one, but two humans. This is undoubtedly one of the greatest things anyone has found. I will eagerly await your response."
"…Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle." John finished. Twilight raised an eyebrow. "How did you know I was going to say that?" "I'm psychotic like that." The human answered. "I mean Psychic. Mike, you done yet?" The other human put the finishing touched on his letter before handing it to Spike. The dragon took the two letters and promptly toasted them, the smoke floating out the windows.
"So, how long will it take to get a reply?" Michael asked. "Considering the contents of the letter, I would imagine we will get a response soon." Twilight answered. As they waited, John commented, "Your a lot taller than I was expecting, Mike."
(Meanwhile, in Canterlot…)
Princess Celestia was sitting at the balcony, enjoying a nice salad, when drifting towards her came two trails of smoke. Either her bout with drugs forty years ago was coming back to haunt her, or her student Twilight Sparkle had something important to tell her. Usually, it was the latter. The scroll appeared before her, but it was joined by a second one. This was unusual, to say the least. She telekinetically grabbed both letters and opened the first. She was surprised to find, not a letter well thought out written in Spike's handwriting, but a profanity riddled message in someone else's:
Dear Princess Fucking Celestia, Holy fucking shit there are fucking humans in my motherfucking library. You fucking need to get the fuck over here right fucking now. Your faithful fucking student, Twilight Fucking Sparkle.
She did a double take, not sure of what to make of the letter. On one hoof, it looked like someone got into her student's supply of royal scrolls to play pranks on her. This was actually pretty tame compared to the genitalia covered letter she received last time. On the other hoof, only more intellectual ponies knew about humans. She hoped the second letter would provide an explanation. This letter was from a "Michael Blackburn," and was clearly written by a different pony:
Princess Celestia,
I am Michael Blackburn, a human who has been brought to Equestria through means I do not understand. I fear I may never be able to return home to my guns, so I must make the best of things in this world. I wonder, do you have a military? I need a job, and that's my ticket. I would love to meet you in person, and tell your sister I said hi, and that I love looking at stars too.
-Michael L Blackburn, (your human buddy)(hopefully)
She was stunned, more than ever. There was definitely one human, as well as the possibility of a second one, each with a different demeanor. She immediately brought the letters to her sister Luna. As Luna read them, Celestia spoke.
"In the texts from long ago, humans ushered peace and wisdom…Equestria may be on the verge of a new golden age!" Luna nodded as she dropped the letters and said "I personally can't wait to meet them, Blackburn especially. It's nice to know SOMEPONY likes the night!"
Celestia prepared a response to her "student's" letters.
There is admittedly one huge problem when writing this. I live in Connecticut, while Michael lives in Texas. This means that, not only is it hard to write large conversations, but it makes it hard for our different writing styles to mesh together properly. But, what can you do?
Also, i'm wondering where I got the Psychotic/Psychic thing from. I want to say the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, but I'm not sure...
Chapter 4: Bring it Around Town
"NO NO NO! I want to take the train!" John whined. They received a response saying the princesses would send a chariot to bring them to Canterlot. Unfortunately, John was a railfan at heart. He already demonstrated "Attention Deficit Rainfan Disorder" when he stopped near the tracks in the town for several minutes waiting for a train.
"I don't think you have a choice, buddy." Michael replied. John dropped his head in defeat.
Twilight turned to the pair and said, "Well, it may be a while before the chariot gets here, so you could probably look around town. Anyplace you boys want to see
John rubbed his stomach. "I'm going to hit the local eatery. Because I'm hungry, as usual." Twilight looked at him as he went to the door and said "Shouldn't someone go with you? I mean, you just got-" The human raised his hand. "Trust me. If I can navigate New York City on my own, then this town will be a piece of cake." And with that he left.
Then it was Michael's turn to speak. "If you don't mind, could you fill me in on what's been happening lately? Also, do you have any books on cooking meat?" Twilight, with a mix of horror and astonishment said "you eat MEAT?"
He chuckled and said "Lots of times! I need my protein, and I grow tired of beans. And if ANYONE mentions soy, I will eviscerate them." Fluttershy shuddered at the word eviscerate. It didn't sound good. Against her better judgment she asked "What's eviscerate mean?"
He paused for a moment and said "To remove ones bowels in a quick, surgical motion."
The pegasus shuddered. "How-how can you say such a thing? Are you crazy?" The Pegasus raised her voice, a sign that there would be a blue moon that night. He gave her a look and asked "Did I offend?" she shook her head and said "You're excessively violent! Why are you like that!" Whether or not he was aware of it, Michael was on the verge of being "Stared".
The human chuckled. "Where I come from, I always wanted to be a doctor, but being in a lab wasn't my bag of cats. I wanted to be a combat medic!"
Twilight knew what doctors had to see; what would be so bad about combat? Either way, she wanted to change the subject. "Now, you were asking about things around here? Well, Rainbow Dash has been taking care of the weather, my friend Pinkie Pie has been baking—"
He interrupted and said "No…I mean how is Equestria's relations with other nations of this world? Who do you share it with?" The unicorn levitated a book over to him and said "Listen, just relax! You're in a new world, explore it!"
As he walked outside the library, he muttered "I think she told me to go fuck myself". He looked down at what she had handed him. It was a blank journal with a quill and some ink. He presumed she wanted him to write down what he saw, or thought. He slid the items into his belt's many storage compartments he had attached as he headed down the street.
Ponies of all sizes and colors parted ways for him as he headed down the street. He could sense the fear they had of him. Frankly, he couldn't blame them, they were tiny ponies, and he was a rather large human, something they most likely had never seen before. He heard a voice from behind him ask "Where're you going to now, Black?"
He leaned his head back and saw Rainbow Dash. "How long you been there?" he asked. She flew in front of him and said "about since you got outside the library. Why did Twilight give you a blank book?"
He shrugged and said "I guess she wants me to say what I need to about this place. Well, since you're here, can I ask you a few things?" she nodded and said "Sure… just nothing weird or fake like what you first told me."
He rolled his eyes began, "What's it like to fly, and how do you do it right?" the Pegasus smiled and began boasting "Well, first you gotta be AWESOME like me…"
(Elsewhere, in a completely different part of Ponyville…)
John was walking along one of the railroad track's rails, humming "What's This?" from the Nightmare Before Christmas. He was fairly certain Sugarcube Corner was this way. He looked around, noticing many ponies terrified, scared, or just plain weirded-out by him. As he continued to balance on the steel rail, he realized Sugarcube Corner was not right along the tracks, but in fact down a side street. Jumping off the tracks, he continued humming until he was in front of the Carousel Boutique.
"Hmm…" He looked at his feet. As usual, he was wearing a pair of beat-up slippers. The lack of paved roads was nothing new for the footwear, but he had picked today of all days to not wear socks. Maybe later he'd ask her if she could make some new slippers. And some hats.
He resumed his humming as he approached Sugarcube Corner. Pausing, he came up with a brilliant idea. If Pinkie was half the pony John thought she was, she would catch on in an instant. He thrust open the door to the shop, singing a line from the song he was humming:
"The smell of cakes and pies are absolutely everywheeere!" Sure enough, the pink party pony poked her head out of literally nowhere to continue the number:
"The sights! The sounds!
They're everywhere and all
Around!" From there, John continued singing, steadily taking his performance to the center of the room:
"I've never felt so good
Before!
This empty place inside of me is filling up,
I simply cannot get enough
Oh I want it! Oh I want it!
Oh I want it for my own!
I've got to know, I've got to know,
What is this place that I have found?
What. Is. THIS?" At that moment, Pinkie slammed something in his face. Looking up, he found it was a sign reading…
"Ponyville? Hmm…" Pinkie broke out laughing. "I love that movie! It's why I love Nightmare Night so much! Wait, you're a human! There's never been a human in Ponyville before! Are there anymore of you? Have you seen our show? Oh, you brought a laptop! We could should Princess Luna that movie! I think she'd like it, what do you think?"
John let his brain digest what she said. He noticed ponies staring at the two. This was typical for Pinkie, but the presence of a human didn't make sense.
"Don't worry everyone, just calm down," he urged, "Just eat your food, get your vitamins A's and B's and C's." He then turned to the hyperactive pink pony, "Well, I love the Nightmare Before Christmas too, uh, There is another human here, we've both seen your show, And I think she would love Tim Burton." His stomach growled, "Oh, and could I get something to eat?"
"Sure!" She bounced over to the counter while the human walked to it, "What would you like?" He looked at the vast array of pastries.
"Uh, choices," He said, quoting a victim of Team Roomba. He settled on a slice of chocolate cake with white frosting and a strawberry on top.
(One piece of cake later…)
"…And that's how I got my cutie mark!" John had asked Pinkie Just how the events that created Hearth's Warming Eve fit in with Celestia and Luna's reign. While her explanation was extremely long, it did make sense. At that moment Spike entered the shop.
"John, the chariot's here. Oh, hey Pinkie." He said. John turned back to the pony
"Say, could you hold onto my laptop? I don't usually have the battery in it, so maybe you could figure out a way for it to work." If anypony could get a piece of human technology to work, it would be the pony with no regard for the fourth wall.
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" John gave Pinkie his laptop and followed Spike out the door. "So, you wouldn't happen to know where Michael is, would you?" The human looked at the dragon. "He left? Huh, I have no idea where he is." He stopped. "Why don't you go look for him, I can find my way back to the library."
"Are you sure?" Spike questioned. "Absolutely!" And with that, the human headed back to the railroad tracks.
Well, that's one down, one more to go! Thought Spike as he began to search the town for the other human.
Attention Deficit Rainfan Disorder is real. It's usually characterized by slowing down at railroad crossings and losing all focus once an object involved in railroading becomes visible. And New York City is a bit tricky, but once you have the basics figured out (and begin to think like you live there) it gets easy.
And I hope this gets good enough to warrant an audio version. I would love to voice act for myself and sing. And this won't be the last time I use my lovely singing voice. Heck, I even reprise my role a Jack Skellington.
And in all honesty, i'm not 100% sure of what Michael was doing, but don't let him know I said that.
Off to see the Princesses
Chapter 5: Off to see the Princesses
John headed back to Twilight's tree-library-house. This time, he took note of various buildings he passed. He knew he would come back to Ponyville sometime after his trip to Canterlot, that's how these things usually work, so he should get used to the setup of the town. As he passed The Sofa and Quills store, an idea popped into his head, one that would make George Carlin proud. He ran into the store and screamed at the pony behind the counter:
"ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAYS?"
"Y-yes." The pony nervously responded.
"THANK YOU!" The human screamed and ran out the door, leaving the clerk to figure out what the hell just happened.
I might have to go back there, depending on how long I'm stuck here.He thought. He figured a fainting couch like Fluttershy's or Rarity's would be perfect: It could double as a bed without having to be turned inside out. He soon arrived at Twilight's place. Out front, there was a chariot, with two guards. One was one of Celestia's guards, all white and adorned in golden armor. The other was one of Luna's Bat-Outta-Hell guards, complete with freaky bat wings.
"Ugh, where is Michael?" asked Twilight, who was waiting for them.
"God knows where." He shrugged, "Say, how long is the trip to Canterlot?"
"On a good day, fifteen minutes." "Really? Seem's like a much longer trip."
"We're very fast, mind you!" Said the not-demonic guard. "We were hoof-picked by the princesses." Said the other one.
"Well, who am I to argue with a deity?" John said as he boarded the chariot. Note to self: argue with a deity He thought. It was at that moment Spike arrived with the other human.
Blackburn slouched into the chariot, with Spike pushing him; frankly, the purple dragon didn't like how hard it was to move him, or the fact that he was asking about meat so much, but he wasn't a bad guy. He hoped.
As Blackburn sat down near John, he asked "So, what'd you see while I was explorin'?"
"Well," John began, taking a deep breath, "I went to Sugarcube corner, sang a song, ate cake, learned some Equestrian history, and made a store clerk shit his proverbial pants." He paused, "Or was it literally?"
"Oh? That's pretty cool…I talked with Dash for a bit, drew sketches of the M.A.R.V (scale, of course) in this book Twilight handed me."
"Uh, the what?" John interrupted.
Michael stopped and smiled for a second as he began "Oh, lemme explain. The M.A.R.V is a GDI superweapon that is in form of an ultra-heavy tank. It has 3 massive cannons, and 4 spots to load up troops that can also work weapons. I actually made it to scale in this drawing."
John looked at the drawing, nodded, and said "Not bad. I ate cake."
Twilight, who had been listening to them spoke up, "You two are really different. How do you guys know each other exactly?"
John answered her question. "Well, it all started when I read one of the stories he wrote. It was Fight For Eque-er, uh, well, the title doesn't matter. Anyway, he ended up responding to a review I made and read my stories. He asked for opinions and asked how I was doing. Stuff like that. We went back and forth with ideas for a new story as well." Twilight turned to Blackburn and asked "What kind of genre do you write? Non-fiction? Drama?"
He laughed and said "Parody and humor! The best kind, I get a kick outta writin' them, and I get a kick outta readin' em'!" Twilight interjected "So, he read your book?"
He shook his head and said "No…it was technically fan-fiction. We talked via the internet." He remembered they didn't have computers in Equestria, "It's like mail, except its instant and anyone with a computer can see it if they know where to look. If you ever use a computer, do not look up "internet fudge" Larry the Cable Guy was right when he said it was bad."
Before she could reply, one of the Pegasai guards said, "We'll be landing in a moment! Get your baggage, and prepare to meet the princesses!"
As the chariot landed, the humans noticed the princesses were tall enough to be eye-to-eye with Michael. It appeared the humans were so special, they came out to see them. He extended his hand.
"Hello, Princess Celestia. And Luna as well. It is an honor to meet you." Princess nodded.
"It is truly an honor likewise. Humans have not been seen since the days when I was just rising the sun. From what I remember, you were part of a wise and powerful race. Those thumbs they had could hold food quite well. Not to say I don't want to talk, but my associate wants to see you as well."
"Yes…sandwiches are a great invention, aren't they?" Michael affirmed. He got out of the way so John could speak with Celestia. He then walked up to Luna.
"It…it is a rare treat to meet someone who likes the cool breeze of the night, and be in a world where that can happen and not worry about a black guy robbing you." He said. The princess blushed.
"I saw your letter. It's nice to see you wanted to meet me, most ponies are afraid of me because I was Nightmare Moon at one point."
Blackburn shrugged. "I was a troubled loner too! Not many people liked me. But as my mentor, the late (and catholic) leader John F. Kennedy once said, "Those who look to the past, OR the present, are certain to miss the future!"
"Aww, I could've done my JFK impression!" yelled John, who immediately continued his own conversation.
The princess nodded and said "A wise quote. You humans truly are quite wise. Perhaps we can speak more inside, where the food and drink is. Much better to relax." Blackburn nodded at the open area and said "Yeah…a sniper could take your head off here! Lemme go get Paul, he appears to be speaking to your sister…"
Mere moments ago...
As Michael stepped aside to speak to Luna, John approached Celestia.
"John Paul," He said, tipping his hat and extending his hand, "A pleasure to meet you, princess." She shook his hand. "Likewise." She thought for a moment.
"Wait, were you the one that wrote that letter?" John nervously smiled.
"What letter?" asked Twilight. "Oh, uh, the letter I wrote for you. She could tell it was someone else by the hand writing, right?" he said, subtly winking at the princess several times.
"Why, yes. Twilight, could you go inside for a moment? There's food and drinks in the dining hall. You too, Spike."
As the two walked away, she leaned closer to John, "Was that letter really necessary?" she asked.
"Well, I'm not too good with first impressions," The human replied, "Plus, I bet you got a laugh out of it. I mean, the message was correct."
"Well, it was different compared to the letters I usually get." At this moment, John heard Michael say a John F. Kennedy quote.
"Aww, I could've done my JFK impression!" John called. "I really do a very good impression of him." He told the princess, using said impression to make a point.
"I suppose I would need to hear him to compare." Celestia said, an eyebrow raised.
"Yeah, you probably would.' The human noticed Luna and Michael walking away. "It looks like everyone's running away. I think we should follow them." The princess turned to see her sister and Michael walking away.
"Ugh, Lulu…" she turned back to John, "I was hoping on staying out here a little longer, but we did have food inside. I suppose we can continue our conversation in the dining hall." The two followed the others into the castle.
Damn, ratings are dropping! Quick, what do they do on TV? Kill someone off? No, that won't work, too early. Celebrity guest star? We already have 5 of the mane six, plus two princesses. Eh, we'll think of something later.
Anyway, I now need to run into a bakery and ask someone for a cake in the shape of a penis. How can you not love George Carlin?
And in addition to JFK, I can also do Christopher Walken, Dr. Zoidberg, Isaiah Mustafa, Oogie Boogie, and George Takei (Oh my!), among (many) others. Plus, there's the various accents I tend to use.
Fresh Princes of Equestria
Chapter 6: Fresh Princes of Equestria
Blackburn laughed to Luna. "In my world, we send people to the moon to do research. If I ever see that place, I can do some MAJOR research to make medicine, ordinance, and fuel sources! I still have some knowledge from what I read."
Luna nodded and said "So…the moon is hope in your world?"
He shook his head and said "Hell no! It's hard work, labor, and national rivalries! But it's a treat to learn, regardless." "It could symbolize the hope that NASA gets the damn funding it deserves." John interjected.
Before Luna could reply, the humans saw the table packed with all sorts of food.
"Is…that…CARROT CAKE!?" asked/demanded Michael.
Luna nodded. "The best food we had was prepared to show peace between us."
Michael laughed and said "Hey John! You shouldn't have eaten earlier!" he sat down and said "You fellas serve first. I'll eyeball the selection first"
John looked over the assortment of food arrayed over the enormous table. Then he looked at the two alicorns, other human, unicorn, and baby dragon sitting at one end.
"Is all this food for us?" He asked. Celestia offered an explanation.
"While we ponies are herbivorous, we weren't sure of what to expect from a human. We had our chefs prepare a wide variety of food to be sure there was something for you to eat."
"Well," John began, "Just so you know, humans are omnivores, so we'll eat just about anything. Some don't eat meat, while others, like Mike, prefer meat. I myself will eat almost anything." The princess raised an eyebrow.
"That's…good to know. I'll inform chef Ram-Sea…" She said as the human grabbed a red bell pepper and began to chow down.
Meanwhile, Michael had grown tired of waiting for them to eat, served himself the entire selection of carrot cake, and quickly began eating. Celestia noticed this and said "My, you eat rather…fast. Is this your normal set of manners?"
He looked up for a second. "Sorry, I eat really fast. I usually have a timeframe, and I am on the go a lot." He finished his cake and said, "I am sorry, but it's who I am."
"Well, we are also on a timeframe ourselves," Luna added, "We will be leaving soon to meet leaders of neighboring countries to re-establish relations lost over the past few centuries." She glanced at her sister, who smiled nervously. "I shall speak with the leaders of the Griffon Kingdom, Glascow, Canida, Prance, and the Hundesrepublik, while Celestia will speak with the leaders of Cervidas, Camelu, and Zebrica."
Twilight wiped her mouth "Who will be in control while you are away?" the unicorn asked.
Celestia thought for a few seconds.
"The humans will."
"WHAT!" Twilight, John, and Michael simultaneously yelled.
Twilight was sputtering about the reasons we shouldn't be doing this, John began to do his impression of "every single evil villain in history", and Michael was now mulling on this idea, with fire in his eyes.
He spoke up, asking the all-important question: "Why us? We just met you! Not but 5 minutes ago!"
Celestia stood up and said "Because from what I remember about humans, you were wise and just beings. I figure you haven't changed too much in the time you've been gone. Plus, I need to keep Prince Blueblood away from the throne, no matter what."
"Well, she's got a point." said John, "I mean, I already had plans to start my own nation." The two princesses stood up.
"Then it is settled." Declared Celestia, "Twilight, Spike, if you would excuse us, we would like to give these two a tour of the castle."
"Of course," Replied her pupil, "Come on, Spike we should get going, it's getting late." As they left, the princesses led the humans to the throne room.
"This is the throne room," said Luna, "This where we meet citizens during the days they are allowed to openly meet us with their problems."
"Let me guess," Said John, "The little throne next to the big, ornate throne, the one that looks like it was tacked on as an afterthought, is yours?"
"Yes it is. I like my little throne." Luna said, becoming surprisingly defensive of her throne.
"Let's continue our tour, shall we?" Celestia interjected. As they left, Luna glanced at her throne.
Maybe I'll glue some rhinestones to it later.
The next room they came to was an immense library. Ponies milled about, reading, organizing, and checking-out books. "This is the Canterlot Library. It is the largest Library in Equestria. In addition to thousands of books, it has an area next to it for artists, with sculpting tables, kilns, easels and drafting tables." Blackburn chuckled and said "Do you have lots of paper? And a ruler?"
"You will have access to all the paper you'll need." Said Celestia as they left. They headed deep into the castle, then up an enormous spiral staircase. As they reached the top, Luna began to speak.
"This is the tower we watch over Equestria from" John, last in the procession, emerged from the doorway, seemingly exhausted.
"Who the hell…puts a watch tower…up thirty flights of goddamn stairs?" He looked up.
"Someone who likes sniping, or people who have 4 legs to help them up." Answered Michael. Sadly, no one picked up on John's Left 4 Dead 2 reference. Luna continued, "We also raise and lower the sun and moon from here." They then traveled back down the stairs and through a hallway.
"And these are your quarters," Said Celestia, "Now, I have to pack for our respective trips and Luna needs to raise the moon, so you can explore about the castle later. Those were the more important rooms you will be using."
John nodded and said "We'll definitely explore later, princess. Probably check out the city as well."
Blackburn looked at Luna and said "Maybe we can check out the skies later…I'm gonna sit back for a while. Also, one question: Are we going to have helpers for our new jobs?"
Luna nodded and said "Yes, you will each receive an advisor tomorrow to guide you about. If you need the help, you may pick another."
The humans nodded as they headed off to their rooms.
Blackburn shook his head and said "Well buddy, I think we are rulers now! I am LORD BLACKBURN!" he declared, causing John to roll his eyes. Undaunted, he continued, "Well, after they leave, remind me to build some military might. We'll talk later."
He entered his room turned out the light and hummed Fortunate Son as he slipped off to sleep.
John, meanwhile had other ideas. He surveyed his room. For a guest room, it was incredibly large.
Well, this is a castle. He reminded himself. There was a large bed, some dressers, and a door leading to a large bathroom.
I'll steal the soaps and shit later. After much thought, he came up with a truly brilliant plan. He ran into the hallway and approached one of the night guards.
"Is there any chance you could send about seventeen mattresses to my room?" He asked. The guard stared at him.
"Well, it beats standing in this hall all night." The guard commented as he walked away. John giggled like a school girl as he ran back to his room.
This is going to be Brilliant!
Just so everyone knows, Chef Ram-Sea was borrowed from the story A Slice of Life by Dawnscroll. There is a slim chance he may make another appearance.
And I don't usually eat peppers. Once in the drama club the kid tasked with bringing in food brought bananas, apples, oranges, and...peppers. They weren't that bad.
Oh, and i'll put this here before I forget: this is the map of Equestria we will be using.
Chapter 7: The Gang's Mostly Here
Blackburn was pleasantly sleeping as a loud thump followed by some muffled words filled the air. He blinked a few times as he fell out of bed and headed over to the door connecting his room to John's. As he opened the door, he bumped into a mattress lying on its side. There were actually quite a few mattresses.
He was about to mutter some cuss words and kick it over as John's head appeared over the mattress. "So, what do you think of Fort Touch-Rustrod?"
He opened his eyes fully and nodded. At least 20 mattresses and 40 pillows were put into its surprisingly elaborate construction. It consisted of an outer wall supported by pillows and some furniture, while in the middle was a sort of building where John's bed was. There were three entrances: one facing the door to the hall, one facing the door to Blackburn's room, and a third facing the bathroom, and each was covered with a large blanket. Near the door to the hall stood the guard who helped him construct it.
Blackburn shrugged, put his underwear on and said "Anywho, get your ass up, we got a country to fuck around with! Where's my 90 proof vodka?"
The guard approached the human and spoke "Excuse me, but that's a pillowcase, not your undershorts. They are over there." Blackburn threw the case off and said "Just hand me my jeans, I'll go commando until I find a washing machine."
The guard hoofed him his pants, then proceeded to return to his post. Michael put his drawers on while John continued to speak. "By the way, I'm not sure exactly what you were dreaming about, but I did hear you say, and I quote: "Oh Tali, that suit looks better when it's not on you." Blackburn rolled his eyes and said "As long as you ignored the kinky commentary and mention of Garrus being the ultimate third wheel, yes…yes I did. Don't judge me, Quarians rock."
John laughed "Well, I'll agree with you on that last part, but it was a bit hard to ignore the whole thing. Also, I'm now a bit terrified of you getting your hands on that 'omni-vacuum' you mentioned."
Blackburn looked at him and said "Shut up. We never heard that. EVER."
Blackburn headed out of the room, motioning his hands like he was cycling a MK3A1 as he shut the door.
John, meanwhile, ventured into the center of Fort Big-McLargehuge. He desperately tried to get the crap Blackburn said last night out of his head. God, it was stuff he'd rather not delve into. He really hoped Mike was actually asleep when he said that stuff.
Please Kobayashi, help me! He thought as he hummed "First Flight" from Ace Combat 5. He proceeded to put his clothes on; some cargo shorts, his military museum T-shirt, a jacket, and of course his slippers and cap. He then looked over all the stuff he had in his pockets, now sitting on an end table next to his bed. For reasons even he didn't understand, he always had some of his Lego models on his person. With him was a P-26 Peashooter, a P-39Q Airacobra, an F4U-5N Corsair, an FM-2 Wildcat, and an FR-1 Fireball. Why would the author rattle on for so long about trivial details? Because he's fucking proud of his models, that's why! He grabbed the Peashooter, stuffed it in his pocket and left. As he passed the guard in front of the door, he gave him some instructions:
"Uh, I'm not sure exactly what your plans are for today, but when your shift's over you're free to chill in Fort Splint-Chesthair."
John stepped out of the room and caught up with Blackburn as the breakfast bells rang.
The two humans sat in the dining hall. Blackburn had managed to special order a breakfast beforehand, leaving John to eat whatever looked fit for human consumption. As Blackburn cut up his charred potatoes he had ordered, the princesses came in. Luna piped up and said "hello again! How was your sleep?" john stuffed an orange slice in his mouth and said "It was pretty good, building a mattress fort is pretty tiring." The princesses both raised an eyebrow as Celestia spoke.
"And how was your night, Michael?" Michael leaned back and said "I was sweating in my sleep about Quarians, apparently. Also, my I would wash those sheets, I sleep naked."
Celestia nodded, slightly confused, slightly uncomfortable, and said "Well…we discovered there is still a slight problem. He two of you still need a more permanent place to stay." John was the first to speak.
"There's that castle in the Everfree forest. It's far enough that you won't need to worry about introducing your citizens to a new sentient species, while close enough to Canterlot to allow us to come here when needed. We could probably fix it up while you're gone."
"How do you know of that castle?" Luna asked. "Trust me, it would take too long to explain." Was his reply. Ignoring John's technically impossible knowledge, Celestia smiled.
"Excellent! Now that that is settled, we would like to let you know we have your advisors ready. John, you shall have Smart Orderly, and Michael, you shall have Pony Joe." She pointed over to a pair of ponies, and Joe spoke up. "I didn't pick this…it sucks."
Both John and Mike shook their heads and said "No…we want to pick our advisors, someone we can relate with."
Just as Blackburn was about to explain his reasons, two guards holding a brown pony with an explosion cutie mark came in. the lead guard said "princess, we have captured this troublemaker near the castle walls. He was digging under it and trying to blow it down with charges."
Blackburn watched and muttered "Sapping…I haven't seen anyone try that in years…that would be explosives making—I'll have it." The guards (and everyone else) were surprised.
"But, when we tried to capture him, he fired a tube full of powder and rocks at us, hurting a few of the guards. We are going to throw him in the dungeon."
The princess was about to agree when Blackburn interrupted. "WAIT! I have an idea: let me talk to this troubled young loner for a second. Maybe I can help him."
The princesses gave him a strange look as Luna said "Do as you must, but he could be dangerous."
The human rolled his eyes as he took the pony aside and said "What is your name, punk?"
The pony looked at him and said "my name is Buckshot Smiles, I tear shit up, just like I am going to do to yo—" Blackburn put his hand over smile's mouth and whispered "Shut the fuck up! I am trying to save your ass, and I like your style. I need someone who is dangerous like me helping out. You know how to sap, make explosives and crude guns. If I am going to make this country into something powerful, I need someone like you. Just, one question: do you like potatoes and bitches who got hot accents?"
Smiles nodded and said "Of course, what do you think I am, gay?"
Blackburn patted him on the shoulder and said "We're gonna be best buds!"
He turned to the princess and said "This pony, I could rehabilitate him! He seems sorta like me when I was young, and he knows how to cook potatoes the right way! Can I have him be my assistant, because I could care for him and keep an eye on him, you know?"
Before Celestia could object, Luna intervened, saying "Blackburn is a good colt, I think he could do it. He seems to like this one more than your suggestion."
Celestia grumbled and said "Fine. Guards, uncuff this…Buckshot Smiles...And put him in custody of Blackburn."
John had a much easier time deciding who would be his advisor.
"There's that guard, Peashooter was his name, he did a pretty good job of guarding Fort Buff-Drinklots last night. He's already used to me, so he'd be prefect." Celestia smiled.
"Well, it looks like we are no longer needed here. Come Luna, we need to catch our airships."
"We wish you good luck." Said Luna as the two princesses left the room, of to travel the world for the next month, leaving the others in the room.
"So now what?" asked John.
Yeah, we got a bit lazy with the end there.
If you've never heard First Flight, I think you should start at least one day with it, especially if you things look like they'll be intense.
And millions of points to whoever gets them name(s) of my fort. Seriously, it'll means you have a good head on your shoulders.
Chapter 9: Off to Work we go
John went back up stairs and entered his room. Sure enough, Peashooter had taken his offer to stay in the fort and was fast asleep on his bed. Off to the side was his night guard armor. Just as he figured, the armor was enchanted. Last night, Peashooter was a sort of dark purplish with bat wings, but now, he was a more normal looking Pegasus, with a bright blue coat and a yellow and black striped mane. On his flank was a castle in a circle.
"Hey sleeping beauty!" John called. The guard groggily raised his head. "You're my assistant now. We need to go fix a castle." Peashooter left John's bed and followed him back down stairs.
Just then, Blackburn entered the room carrying at least 20 pounds of sulfur and black powder. Buckshot Smiles was right behind him with a leaf blower and some crude oil in a drum. He nodded to a bewildered John.
"Hey, whenever you finish up with the brain-work in that forest, come back and I'll make some roasted spam, and frankly, pork fat rules!"
John shook his head. "I don't know what you're doing, but try not to burn down my fort. I need to add room for Peashooter."
Buckshot rolled his eyes and said "Don't worry; I'll leave the witnesses blind."
They both chuckled as Blackburn began stirring the oil with a spoon he stole, and lying out some paper on the floor next to it, jotting down ideas as he went along. John continued to stare at the two, terrified at the thought of leaving them unsupervised, before his assistant tapped him on the shoulder.
"Well, I need to see a pony about a train." And with that, they left.
As John left, Blackburn began his lessons to Buckshot Smiles.
"Okay," he began, "I am technically a human advisor they put in charge of this part of Equestria, for now…do you know what my first thoughts are?"
Smiles shrugged and said "No idea. Blow shit up?" He smirked.
"Half-right. First, I was shocked to see that Equestria has no standing military, and that no-one had a clue about how to destroy things. You were a bloody godsend. I called some of Equestria's best scientists and a few guys who can hold hammers. We are going to make samples of basic napalm, gunpowder, and vehicle fuel, then have the eggheads mass produce it. If things go well, in 24 hours I can have the resources to start with operations Delta, Omega, and Zulu."
Smiles nodded and said "What are some of the other plans?"
Blackburn shook his head and said "Let's finish the basic batches of gunpowder and stuff, then talk about it. The eggheads' will be here in a few hours."
(Somewhere in Canterlot…)
"…So what does fixing a castle have to do with a trip to Ponyville?" Peashooter asked. The two were walking through the heart of Canterlot, guaranteeing everyone got a good look at the human and bringing a portion of the city to a standstill.
"And why do you need to take a train?" John took a deep breath.
"It's very simple my good man. Pony. Colt. If we're going to fix that castle, we're going to need to move supplies, and what better way to do that than by rail? I need to ride a train because I've seen the locomotives and I'm not sure if they can put up with the loads I'm expecting." The guard stared at him skeptically.
"Alright, it's mostly because I want a cab ride. As for Ponyville, I need to stay close to the construction site." He continued, "Plus, I need a new outfit. I mean, I can't run Equestria looking like this!" Peashooter rolled his eyes.
(Warning: Railroad technical stuff follows!)
"Here we are sir, Canterlot Station.' He declared. John shook his head at the building. Canterlot, the capital of Equestria, was served by a single two track station. To put it in perspective, New York City is served by Grand Central Terminal, a terminal with sixty-seven tracks arranged in two levels, and Penn Station, a station with 21 through tracks. He made a mental note to fix this great injustice.
"You get a ticket, I've got something to do." He approached the train at the station.
"Is this headed to Ponyville?" he asked the crew. A pony, whom John assumed was the fireman (Firemare? Firecolt? What the hell is the word?) leaned out of the left side window.
"Nah, Fillydelphia." He replied, surprisingly calm in the face of the human. "Ah" was said human's only response. He inspected the locomotive. In John's eyes, the diminutive locomotive was not up to the task. The small driving wheels meant that it would be more powerful than fast, but the light weight of the engine meant there wouldn't be much adhesion. No, John would need a brand new locomotive.
With that settled, he went into the station where he found Peashooter sitting on a bench.
"You done, sir?" the guard asked. "Yep, I just need to get a-" the Pegasus handed him a ticket "-oh thanks. But I could've gotten one my-"
"You have no money" Peashooter said. "Oh yeah…" The two remained silent as they waited for their train.
(Back in the castle…)
After about an hour, Blackburn, now covered in raw fuel he had condensed to make napalm, smiled and said "This…is progress!"
Buckshot wiped the sulfur off of him, saying "Well, we finished most of this stuff. We just need to let that napalm set before it's ready to be loaded in the leaf-blower. Now, what were your plans?" Blackburn looked out the window.
"For what I can see, Equestria has many other nations to compete with. A war will happen, if not now, then later. I will change that, very quickly. I still have my iPod, apparently, and it has several scale designs of old military gear: the F-4D Phantom strike plane, the M-47A2 Patton tank, the M-60C LMG, these are just a few of the weapons I have records of. If I can get a large enough massing of resources and help, we can make Equestria great, my friend. And maybe, there will be more…going above and beyond those items alone. Well, we have a while before the scientists show up. Let's go get some grub."
Buckshot smiles nodded eagerly and jogged out the door with him.
I think the low ratings come from two things:
No Joke.
And sorry for the railroad crap. I have an immense and somewhat useless knowledge of railroading. Unfortunately, there will be more of it, hopefully balanced by my other eccentricities.
On the plus side, we get Blackburn building up Equestria's military. Unfortunately, he won't be the only one.
That's all I got for now, tune in next week for another chapter of A Splendid little Fanfic (I wonder if anyone knows where I got the name from).
Poor Communications Kills
Chapter 10: Poor Communications kills
John stepped off the locomotive's foot plate impressed. As he expected, its performance was inferior, but the engineer made up for it by thrashing the locomotive, producing sharp barks from its smokestack. He had also learned a few things on the ride. The locomotive was owned by the Ponnyvania Railroad, which was in direct competition with the New Yoke Central System. John spoke with the engineer regarding his need for a new locomotive.
"Try asking the road's president. He's a fair guy, I'm sure he'll let you borrow the Hoofiata shops for it." John turned back to the engineer.
"Thanks, I will." The human headed back down the line of cars, searching for Peashooter. He found him coming out of one of the rear cars, an irritated expression on his face.
"Ready to go?" He asked. "Can I go back home, sir? I was stuck between these two fat colts, this foal behind me kept throwing up, and they had no food. This is the worst morning I've ever had."
"Sorry mate!" John replied, his cheerful tone annoying the guard, "We've got to see Twilight. I've got some letters to mail!"
"Why her? We could've just mailed them from the castle and I could've saved myself thirty excruciating minutes. Sir." "Because I need an instantaneous reply." The pegasus shook his head, "Whatever." The pair headed to Twilights tree-library-thing. There, they were greeted by Spike.
"Where's Twilight?" asked John. "Her room," said Spike, "She's been studying up on humans and junk." He said as he got back to dusting some shelves.
"Hey Twilight!' the human yelled. The mare poked her head down from the library's upper level.
"Hmm? Oh, John!" "Hey, could I borrow Spike for a minute?" The dragon turned around at the mention of his name.
"Why do you need him?" "I need to send some letters." Twilight shrugged, "Well, I can't see any harm in that." She levitated some paper and a quill.
"Alright Spike, get ready." The human paused. "You wouldn't happen to know who the President of the Ponnyvania Railroad is, would you?" "AJ Castanets." She said.
"Thanks. Dear President Castanets. My name is John Paul and I have been put in charge of Equestria while the princesses are gone. I wish to use the Hoofiata locomotive shops to build a locomotive for one of my projects. In return, I will give you plans for bigger, stronger, and faster locomotives, as well as grand stations to display the glory of the Ponnyvania railroad. Sincerely, John Paul. Done."
Spike rolled up the letter and sent it away. "What's next?" "Next, um…" the human paused. "Hey Twilight?"
"Hmm?" "You wouldn't happen to know of any ponies trying to make heavier than air flying machines, have you?" She thought for a moment.
"There's that Willy Boing guy. You could try him" "Dear Mr. Boing" John began…
(Meanwhile, in Canterlot…)
Blackburn pointed to the several liquids and the effects it had on its set-up targets to the scientists. He hadn't remembered their names, as he was horrible with those.
The leader of the group nodded and said "These are marvelous, but why would we need such terrifying devices and substances?" Another spoke up and said, "Yes, will these have any value to our nation?"
Blackburn chuckled and said "Your country is in troubling times. The princesses are trying democracy to make peace, BUT, all the signs show that a war is imminent, and it's better to have some tech that your culture can improve on. I can't give you victory, but I can give you the know-how to acquire it."
The lead scientist shook his head. "What makes you so sure this war, if it ever happens, will affect us? Equestria has had peace for the longest of times."
Blackburn looked at Buckshot Smiles, shook his head, and then said to the scientist "On my homeworld, countries that try to be peaceful in times of misunderstanding and suspicion. The princesses left myself and John Paul in charge of this country. I am trying to make sure that your children have a future to look forward to. Now, can we go back to the preparations?"
One of the scientists threw his clipboard to the ground and said "Celestia put you in charge! You come to our home and have only filled in for less than a day, and you already have plans that could affect the whole country! Are you mad?"
The human chuckled "Trust me, I may have just came here, but if you follow my instructions I can set this place straight, then find a way to return to my home eventually. Now, here are my basic plans I call "Phase Alpha": I would like you to send a sizable work crew, but one that will not be noticed, out to the desert on this map. From what I have read, there are caves of considerable size there, spanning 15 miles. I want you to start this plan off by building a steel mill and industrial factory of these standards, and MAYBE set up caravans or make a small 2-way rail line to ferry supplies in and out of this area. This is part of phase 1. Then, have your engineers who aren't doing the architectural work on the factory try to adapt these designs so that ponies can use these weapons." He motioned to the information he had gathered, "Here you go."
The scientists clustered around the clipboard and large sketches. One spoke "Do you just need these "G-3's" and "Kevlar vests" made, along with procurement to issue ammo?"
Blackburn sat down and said "Yes. Now, the factory comes second, the desert complex is going to be top-secret and hidden as best as possible. The G3's and Kevlar can be made from local facilities that support possible steel-refinement production. Ammo can be made the same. I want the royal guard to receive these tools within 3 days. I will also oversee that all factories and personal that can help with this project be hired to build this equipment, including grenades, engines, and heavy weapons. Also, see if the unicorns could learn spells to duplicate these objects we are making. That would make this a whole lot easier. After we get the basics done, I shall begin the production of a standing army. Dismissed."
The scientists left with mixed emotions. This leader was assertive, smart, and very organized. They just wondered, "Would anything bad come out of this?"
As the scientists left, Michael uncovered a chess board from the table and set it back down between himself and Smiles. He moved his queen forward and said "Checkmate" with a victorious smile.
Buckshot laughed. "Damn, this is a pretty nice game humans have. Maybe after the army is made, we can mass-produce this 'chess'!"
They both laughed and sipped on some cider as Blackburn began drawing sketches of an F-4 Phantom II, and rolling up his designs of an M-47 Patton to send to the scientists later that week.
(Back in Ponyville…)
Spike sent the second letter away in a cloud of smoke.
"What do you need a flying machine for?" Twilight asked. She knew humans couldn't fly, but she didn't know what the need was in Equestria.
"It's simple really," John replied, looking out a window, "Equestria has no military. Where I'm from, that's just asking for some sort of invasion. I need those planes to make an air force. But you can't rush this. I know of all sorts of aircraft designs, but Equestria only has the industrial capacity to manufacture the more basic ones. I'm not sure if Michael will try to make aircraft, but he'll probably try a most advanced design. Those won't have the same quality back on my planet." The human turned to face the three ponies, "Anyway, I need to see Rarity and get some new clothes. I'll be back later to see if they've replied. Let's go, Pea"
"Right behind you sir." As the two headed to the Carousel Boutique, John did some thinking
Once I meet Rarity, that means I've seen five of the Mane Six. I need to figure out a way to see Applejack. Now that I think about it, there are a few ponies I haven't seen. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia are probably not in Ponyville. But there's citizens of Ponyville, like Dr. Whooves, Bonbon, and Ly-
"Sir!" cried Peashooter, but it was too late. Something tackled him. After he opened his eyes, he found that 'something' was a mint colored unicorn with a smile bigger than any Pinkie could muster.
To quote Emperor Palpatine (in a Robot Chicken special), "Hey, you wanna see me tempt fate?"
So, this is the end of the pre-made chapters. Now, I need to start the next few. And again, if you have an idea of how we can improve this fanfic, send me a message. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite some parts later.
Anyway, you might be able to see a slight problem with both of our plans, mostly the part where we don't know what the other's doing.
Also, I will be amazed if anyone can figure out where I got AJ Castanets and Willy Boing from. Seriously, AJ is pretty obscure and Willy is foreshadowing.
Chapter 10: I’ll come up with a Title later…Oh Shit. Shit "Wait, how do you know it?" Shit! It was hard to tell if she was getting suspicious or just more excited, so John decided to bank on the latter.This is going to be a long story. Thought Lyra as the two headed towards the Carousel Boutique.Hmm…What do humans have that’s classy, refined…there’s got to be- and then it hit him, like a ship hitting an iceberg. “The Olympic class!” he said out loud. “I beg your pardon?” “The Olympic-class ocean liners. They were built about eighty years before I was born, but from the pictures I’ve seen there was nothing classier on the sea.” He now had Rarity’s attention. “What do you mean?” She asked.
It's true, I am going to get a degree in history. Might work at a museum one day....
Chapter 12: SPAM
John facepalmed. Peashooter had explained what Michael said, including "…F-4E's and M-48A2's, whatever those mean."
John shook his head, "Doesn't he realize the stresses a plane needs to deal with? Equestria doesn't have the capacity to manufacture a Mach 2 fighter! Ugh, whatever, they can keep their shoddy Phantoms, I have an aircraft planned that can reach its top speed without disintegrating." He turned to the Pegasus guard.
"Well, I just need to check and see if Twilight got a reply. You can return to Canterlot for the day."
"But I just- argh, fine. Sir." The Pegasus flew away. John then noticed Lyra sitting against the side of the Carousel Boutique.
"Hey, I still have some stuff to do. You wanna come along?" The unicorn looked up. "Huh? Yeah, sure." As she got to her hooves, John approached her.
"Still bummed out about what I said?" "Sorta…" "Well, let's put it this way, do you think?"
"Yes," she replied, slightly confused. "Well, a guy whose name escapes me once said, 'I think, therefore I am.' If you can think, you are your own independent being. Also, you are adored by hundreds, possibly thousands of humans." That seemed to brighten her mood. He turned around.
"Now, I'm hungry. We should get something to eat." After a quick meal, they headed to Twilight's tree-library-house.
"Hey Twilight!" he called. The only one present was Spike. "She's out." He said.
"Oh. Well, did you get any answers?" "Yep." The baby dragon handed him two letters. They both said practically the same thing. Both would meet him at noon in Ponyville tomorrow. The only thing is Willy Boing mentioned he would bring a few "Associates" with him. With that settled, John and Lyra left.
"Anything else?" she asked. "Well, all I can think of is finding a place to stay. I'm going to be managing things from Ponyville, so I'll have to stay somewhere overnight." At this, a huge mile grew on her face.
"You can stay with me and Bon Bon! It'll be awesome! I've never slept with a human before!" Her eyes widened, "That came out wrong, I meant I've never had a human-" John cut her off. "Yeah I understand. I'll stay with you guys until work on the castle is done. Now I just need to…oh." He stopped.
"What wrong?" "I just realized I sent my only source of money back to Canterlot and I need a train ticket." "Oh, I'll just get some from home-" John cut her off. Again.
"Nah, Don't bother. I only steal Peashooter's money. Besides, I'm in charge of the country! They'd HAVE to give me a free pass or something!"
(Outside the Ponyville train station)
"I can't believe they didn't give me a free pass or something." John said dejectedly as they left the station.
"You barged in, jumped on a table, declared yourself ruler of the world, demanded a ticket to Canterlot, and claimed you would eat their souls if they didn't. How are you surprised?" She sighed "Anyway, I can still go home and-" Once again, John cut her off.
"No, I got a better plan."
(In the Hall of Justice, er, Canterlot…)
Michael and Buckshot Smiles stood in the balcony of the castle. A small crowd had assembled to hear their new, temporary ruler deliver a speech to his people. All they knew was it involved a short life story and was referred to as "SpaceNAM!".
Michael Gazed out at the rather confused crowd. In his most commanding voice, he declared said in his command voice: "Welcome citizens of Canterlot! I am Lord Michael Blackburn. I am your new ruler for a while, so I figure it's a good idea to tell you ALL more about me, and it will also help me explain why I am about to do. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:
'SPACE'NAM: PART 1: FIRST BLOOD PART 2: RETURN OF SPACENAM:'"
Buckshot Smiles groaned. "Godesses…This story again…" he muttered. Michael rolled his eyes as he began his 'epic' tale
"Back in 1621, using my time machine and bio-mechanical upgrades, I joined forces with Washington and Adolf Lincoln, Lincoln knew of a immanent space gook invasion backed by reaper fax machines and microwaves, so we talked to Leonardo da Vinci and had him build the SSV back to the future 'NAMmendy, and we set off to the dark side of the moon…"
Murmurs began to rise from the crowd. They had no idea what he was talking about, and were wondering if whatever he was describing made him a truly great leader. Still, they continued to listen as Blackburn continued to ramble.
"Well, so we landed right? And the first thing I noticed was that the dark side of the moon was EA's whore farm, being used as a training ground for the space gooks. So, the Best Buy (trademarked) geek squad husks backed by gooks in the space trees started shooting at us with their space SVD's. Washington took a round in his teeth and had to use hippopotamus teeth to replace them, as he had later noted in his lost mission log. So, I get into the goliath walker Leonardo built for us, and start shooting it's laser M-60's into the trees, and the gooks are just falling like leaves! so, then Adolf tossed a frag into the mass of reapers charging us and blue screened the ill-trained fucks...then as we advanced to the bunker that harbinger vacationed to...we met our greatest challenge yet:
A HUGE Michael Bay bio-mechanical fighting machine.
It came out and began shooting at us. Poor Adolf Lincoln...God, I can still remember the look on his face as that humping dog Bay launched hit him in the face. The screams of pleasure still haunt me. I moved my goliath in to finish the bastard off, but then, I was betrayed. George Washington got on the radio and said "DUDE! I'm still in the ship...that isn't me fighting with you!" I turned the mech in time to see Gary Coleman with a RPG-17 standing there, and before I could gun him down, he fired a deadly rocket at me. As it impacted, I screamed in orgasmic pleasure as the mech erupted in flames, falling to the ground. I felt my mind slipping as I died."
Blackburn raised his hands "Don't worry, I came back from the dead, for all you non-human ladies out there. Yes, I am invincible, that's right. Well, back to the story:"
"I found my mind and soul going to a light in the distance; at first i thought my true savior Canadian Jesus was taking me to maple valley where the syrup is made, or at least Odin taking me to Ragnarok. But, to a mix of horror and pleasure, I was met in the embrace...of Bill Cosby. He looked me in the eye and said these words I'll never forget: "OHHH...WELL YOU SEE...the afterlife is a lot like Jell-O Pudding... you got the death in the pudding and it's so good with the fruits and the chocolate, but...no, it's more like the New Coke." upon seeing I would be trapped with senile Cosby (not the good one from his early comedy days) I got the fuck out of there, and before I left, Cosby said "Well...I guess this life isn't for you…but, before you go, I have a present for you." In his hands, was an optic implant looking much like normal eyes, and a biotic amplifier, as well as a suit of power armor that had "GDI" on the side of it. In a flash, the parts disappeared from his hand, and I was now the ultimate war machine. I thanked Cosby with some New Coke as I felt my mind returning to the moon, and, like a wraith rising from the grave, I burst from the flaming wreckage of the goliath, with the biological upgrades Cosby had given me."
Buckshot covered his ears, hoping the next 4 hours would pass quickly…
(A bridge outside of Ponyville…)
"I thought humans were wise. This is so stupid!" Lyra and John stood on a bridge running over some railroad tracks. John sat on the railing over the tracks.
"Trust me, it's going to be awesome." "I don't think dying is very awesome." Lyra retorted.
"I got it all figured out, this is the perfect spot to jump off." "Are you out of your mind?" She asked, "Don't do it!"
"Why not?" the human asked. "Because you'll get killed, you nut-job!" She continued, "I know it doesn't bother you much, but you're the first human I've ever met! PLUS, how would I explain it if you died? If I said that one of the rulers of Equestria, out of the blue, decided it would be a fun idea to kill himself in front of me, it wouldn't sound too good. In fact, it would sound VERY BAD!"
"You want to join me?" He patted the railing next to him. "NO!" "This is your loss…" At that moment, they heard a whistle.
"Come on, I can hear it coming." "I said no!" The Canterlot-bound train approached the bridge.
"Fine. Enjoy watching." The bridge was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. Lyra heard a thud, followed by a "Yeah!" As the smoke cleared, she realized john had vanished. Looking over the other side of the bridge, she saw a figure on one of the train cars.
"Next stop Canterlot!" he called.
(Back at Michael's Magical Story Hour…)
"Lord" Blackburn had managed to continue his story for an amazing four hours without so much as a glass of water. But, as with all stories, this one came to it's inevitable end.
"…and that's how I saved Christmas. Any questions?" Every single pony in the crowd stared at him, mouths agape. A few did manage to applaud him. "No? Well in that case, you are free to leave." The exact moment he said that, everypony in the square made a bee-line for anywhere else. Everypony, that is, except for one stallion. Curious, Michael left the balcony to investigate. He walked up to the stallion.
"Hey, you're still here! Why didn't you leave with the others? Did my story blow your mind with a bonerfart?" The stallion turned his gaze to him.
"No, quite the opposite…oh, forgive my rude manners. I am Vicktor Ridinoff, hailing from Stalliongrad. I was here in Canterlot on business when I noticed you giving this speech. It…it moved me! I have never heard a story that amazing in my life."
Blackburn, rather awed due to finding a fan, said "Hey, why were you here in Canterlot? I am one of the new rulers right now; maybe I can help you out, and maybe you could help me!"
Ridinoff nodded and said "Stalliongrad needs jobs, any kind, it does not matter. Over 10,000 ponies have nothing to do in life, and they live in poverty. They need work, and as for you, what do you need help with?"
Blackburn waved him over to the castle and said "I need an advisor of sorts to help me out with my plans. If I help out the people of Stalliongrad, will you join me on my epic quest? It also means you can stay in the castle for your time here."
Ridinoff held out his hoof and said "Ah, Blackburn; you are as kind as you are powerful. You have a deal. I shall go to my hotel and get my stuff and I shall see you again in mere moments!"
As the Ridinoff left for the night, a familiar humanoid figure approached Blackburn. It looked like John Paul, but was covered head to toe in soot.
"Hey man, you said you'd make Spam tonight, and by no means was I going to pass up an opportunity to sing Monty Python's Spam song!" He said. The two headed back to the castle.
(After John singing about spam and dinner…)
The two humans and their pony assistants headed to their rooms for the night. Suddenly, John stopped
"Wait, We're in charge right?" "Yes, sir." Replied Peashooter.
"And the princesses aren't even in the country any more, correct?" "Sir, what are you-" John cut him off, as he had the tendency to do.
"Dibs on Luna's room!" And with that, he dashed down the hallway and slammed a door shut.
Blackburn yelled so John could hear "I'll take the basement. It will be much easier on my skin and lungs! see you later, I have to type up the story of spaceman in hardback format!"
He quickly retreated to the shadows of the basement, eager to do his own bidding.
As he went down the stairs, with a small set of items, including a bedroll and some bread, Ridinoff trotted up to him. "So…anything you need me to do?" Blackburn scratched his ass. "Can you train ponies to fight?" He asked.
"Absolutely!" He declared, a certain glimmer in his eye.
The human looked down and said "Are you made of gasoline, metal, or bacon?"
Ridinoff raised an eyebrow "Uh, all three?"
Blackburn thought for a second and said "Bring some bedding down to the basement. I will fill you in on the plans, 5-star general of the new Equestrian Army." Ridinoff nodded with a smile.
"Delighted to, sir!" And with that, he ran off to get his gear as Blackburn put down his stuff, and began prepping a "war room". He had to wonder what his buddy John was doing for the betterment of his newfound country.
Fricken finally! Yeah, this chapter's a bit late, but better late than never.
SpaceNAM! is Mike's creation (reportedly, it's a lot longer). As was the Gasoline, metal, or bacon bit. That one caused some confusion, but I found a better way to write it.
My bit with the train was inspired by the Civil Protection episode On a Rail. If you've never seen it, I recommend it. and while your there, try Freeman's Mind.
I honestly would've sung the Spam song, but the chapter was getting long.
But, as you can see, we're developing some sort of separate plans. Feel free to speculate on what happens next. And please review. Feedback is essential to improving the story.
