The Snob from Canterlot
Down in Ponyville the locals were merry and the sun was bright. Indeed, it was quite a cheerful sight. Everypony seemed happy and filled with glee. But there was one pony who wasn’t – our star, you see.
Cheerful and sunny this pony was not, for he was a snob from Canterlot. He sat alone, a dark cloud over his head (not literally, mind you, for that would have filled him with dread). At a local café he was sitting in wait – waiting for the house’s specialty plate.
This pony used to be an accomplished playwright, but everything he had since written was complete trite. Once he had shown talent galore, but now he could be such a bore. After one fateful play became a box office bomb, he fled to Ponyville where it was quiet and calm. Away from the sting of his critic’s reviews, perhaps here he could find a new muse.
But the town did not please him; he thought the locals were quite dim. He loathed Ponyville, nopony could understand why he was so grim. It could have been perhaps that he was dropped on his head. It could have been that he always woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Though I’d say that the most likely reason why, was that he thought that he was far too clever a guy.
At last the waiter came, bringing the food. But the snob did not thank him, as any proper pony should. Instead he took a bite at a delicate pace, before spitting it out into the waiter’s face. “What is this?!” he shouted, causing a scene. “Blergh! You call THIS fine cuisine?!” He threw the plate at the waiter’s head, then commanded “Bring me some water instead.” The waiter, his face obscured by cheese and beans, returned inside to get himself clean.
The snob sat and glared at the ponies in the square. “The foals,” he growled, “they know nothing of flair.” He grimaced and tapped his hoof on the table. “I mean really, has no one here seen a proper stable? The ponies in this town are dirty and uncouth, how is it they can not see that truth?”
The snob gazed around with a deep frown. “I’ve put up with this for too long now! I have to show these peasants what true culture is…but how?”
And then the snob got an idea.
A horrible idea.
The snob got a terrible, horrible idea.
“I got it!” he yelled with delight. “I’ll use my skill as a playwright! A performance to make fun of these uncultured swine! Then they’ll see and victory will be mine!” The snob’s brain filled with ideas – this play would be such a thrill! So excited was he that he left the café without paying the bill.
Hurriedly the snob rushed to his cottage without delay. Inside, he pulled out his typewriter and began writing his play. The jokes leapt from his mind, as they were based on real life. He spared no mercy; his humor was as sharp as a knife. Quickly he wrote, for several hours he did not cease. “Truly,” he thought, “this will be my masterpiece!”
For the next week the snob worked day and night. Tirelessly he worked to make the script just right. He wrote of all the ponies he thought were lame; there were simply far too many for me to name. He made fun of a local shopkeeper. He made fun of the street sweeper. He made fun of the pony who pulled his cart. “Haha!” he cried, “this is high art!”
At last the snob finished, he wrote the last page. But he couldn’t pause now, for he still needed a stage. Actors and props he would need as well, or this play would be a very hard sell. Nevertheless he would not stop, “I’ll finish this yet! I need to find performers and a suitable set! To put on this performance myself will be a triumph of my will, or my cutie mark isn’t a scroll with a quill!” He galloped into town and put up an ad in front of the bakery: ‘WANTED: Actors for the comedy of the century!’
The snob held auditions to find the right stuff. As could be expected, he felt the locals were not up to snuff. But he did not mind, for this would prove him right: that the residents here were none too bright. “Besides,” he thought with a gleam. “The dumber they look the smarter I will seem!” For he himself would play the performance’s main role: the cultured genius who in this backwater had become a tortured soul. Of his own brilliance he would unabashedly extol (tl;dr: he’s really quite an a-hole).
In the end, three ponies did he choose. “These ponies,” he thought, “will surely amuse.” One of them was a pegasus, a creature of the skies. She was utterly ordinary, save for her crossed eyes. Then there was a unicorn who was cheery and gay (by which I mean she was happy, don’t let your imagination get away!). She was green and often gave a pleasant neigh, but she had a habit of sitting in a very peculiar way. Lastly was a pink pony who couldn’t seem to stop bouncing up and down; she often giggled and laughed and acted like a clown. “My name’s Pinkie Pie!” she said with a smile. “And my parties are always in style! I love to sing and dance and have a good time! And now I’ll make this sentence rhyme!”
So now with three ponies interested in the performing arts, the snob began to teach them all their parts. In the first act he would meet the crossed-eyed mare, who would give the main character a peculiar stare. The snob would point out her bizarre appearance, and then the mare would reply with incoherence. One by one the actors would come out and play the part of a local, and the snob would make his opinions quite vocal. Of Ponyville he would jeer and mock, until the audience would surely be in shock! By the final act the snob knew they would see the truth of his word, and perhaps then become a more civilized herd. Amazingly the three actors went along with this, the snob’s mockery they seemed to miss. It could be that they were quite naïve, the snob didn’t find that hard to believe.
But just in case his brilliance failed to penetrate the locals’ skins (“Hardly surprising,” the snob scoffed, “the simpletons”), the snob invited theater critics from Canterlot, to see the genius of his play’s plot. For they would undoubtedly understand, and proclaim him the greatest playwright in the land! Those foals who had forced him out of the show biz, now they would see and vengeance would be his! Then the snob found a stage and a crew – it wasn’t much, but for now it would do.
At long last the night of the play arrived (are you suggesting these time skips are rather contrived?). Nearly the whole town showed up to see, this play entitled This Village and Me. Some ponies were as excited as could be, while others shrugged “Why not, the tickets are free.” The critics from Canterlot were given the seats in the first row, and after much conversing they sat down to see the show.
The play started and the lights grew dim. And there was the snob, looking neat and trim. He walked between the props that resembled local houses. “My word,” he cried, “these ponies live like louses!” He then cried shrilly as if hurt. “By Celestia! That looks like dirt!” The audience began to chuckle and laugh. The snob thought slyly “If they liked that, wait until they see the second half!” He continued to make fun of the town’s look; for each line everypony laughed harder and shook. “Yes!” the snob thought with glee. “They realize the truth of my words, at last they see!”
Then it was time for Derpy Hooves and out she came. She introduced herself and the snob remarked on her unusual name. But Derpy apparently took no notice of this, instead fluttering around in total bliss. This she did until she was forced to stop, after she crashed into a prop. The audience laughed with delight – they didn’t know they would be seeing slapstick tonight! The pegasus popped her head out and gave a huge grin, completely devoid of any chagrin. She had done her part perfectly and gave a short bow, while the snob continued to look haughty with a raised brow.
Then Lyra came out carrying an assortment of things (though I’ve been told her name is actually Heartstrings). She galloped out on to the stage in a mad dash, running into the snob with a sickening crash. All her stuff fell on to the floor, including a ball, some rocks and what looked like part of a door. Lyra then hurriedly apologized as she retrieved a brush, while the snob admonished her for being in a rush. Then Pinkie Pie bounced into the scene, moving rapidly as if fueled by caffeine. She then gasped and started shaking the snob’s hoof, greeting him and generally acting like a total goof.
Now with all the characters having made their introduction, they could get on with the story of this production. The snob tried to teach the ponies the proper manners of Canterlot, only in the end to have it be all for naught. More and more ridiculous their antics became, but each time victory the snob could not claim. The audience loved it, they couldn’t get enough! Truly, this was some really funny stuff!
At one point Pinkie came out acting like Applejack – she wore a cowboy hat and carried a burlap sack. The snob tried to get her to use proper speech, but in the end there was nothing he could teach. There was an intermission and then Derpy came out wearing a rainbow wig after they took five. “I’m Rainbow Dash,” she announced, “and I’m the fastest thing alive!” She acted boisterous and proud, before taking a nap on a cloud. “By Celestia,” the snob cried, “I do say! I’d venture most ponies do more in an hour than she does in a whole day!” And then Lyra jumped in with an impromptu musical number, all about how much Dash would slumber. The audience ate it up, they loved every minute. “Perhaps,” the snob thought slyly, “I did not give them enough credit.”
At the end of the story the snob is driven insane, for the antics of the villagers cause him too much pain. For all his efforts to teach them how to live with class, they still would act silly, ridiculous and crass. When the play was over the snob took a bow. The audience cheered wildly, and how! The play was a success, a massive hit! “And here,” the snob thought, “I feared they wouldn’t get it!”
After the curtain came down and blocked the snob’s view of those hicks, who should he see approaching backstage but the critics! They all had smiles on their faces; they wanted to be in the snob’s good graces. The snob smiled slyly and thought “I know just what they’ll do! They’ll come and congratulate me and proclaim ‘you genius, you!’” The first critic came up to snob and shook his hoof. “Marvelous!” the critic cried, “Never have I seen a funnier spoof!” The snob grinned, he felt really quite keen. “You,” the critic went on, “Are the funniest actor I have ever seen!”
At these words the snob did a double-take, but then the second critic gave him a hoofshake. She was wearing clothes that must have cost a lot of money. “Yes!” she cried, “I’ve never seen anything quite so funny! An uptight colt who acts like a big shot? This play will be all the rage in Canterlot!” A third critic then chimed in, “And here I thought you were a has-been! But this play is sure to delight everypony! I dare say you may even win a Tony!”
Another critic nodded her head. “The appeal for this play will be wide-spread! By poking fun at ponies from both the country and city, you’ve written something that will bring everypony glee!” The critics gave their congratulations and went on their way, leaving the snob alone to figure out what had happened to his play.
“What is this?” the snob cried. “They enjoyed it when my character got pied? But that was to show how foul these bumpkins are! Not to make fun of the performance’s star!” Then Pinkie and a group of her friends came to say hello, to get to know the creator of the show. “That was great!” Pinkie cheered, “Everypony loved it! I particularly liked all the jokes about me during my skit! Consider me your biggest fan! And now I’ll make another rhyme just cause I can!” Her friends all giggled and laughed, while the snob thought “They must all be daft!”
Applejack was there as well, she seemed to be taking the whole thing swell. That accent of hers had irked the snob for so long; he had even gone so far as to make fun of it in song. But she did not seem hurt, ashamed, or offended! She still thought the play was absolutely splendid! “Land sakes!” she said with a grin. “That play reminded me of those ponies in Manehattan! All about fancy clothes and how to talk, or trying to show me the proper way to wear a calk (and if that word is unfamiliar to you, a calk is an extension of a horseshoe).” Her friends all laughed and told their favorite jokes to the snob; even the ones where he called them slobs.
Soon they too left as they offered their congratulations, leaving the snob to wonder how his play had failed his expectations. “What in Equestria is going on?! Is their sanity completely gone? They liked it when I made fun of their manners! They liked it when I made fun of their looks! They liked it when I made fun of their speech, their songs and their cooks!”
He puzzled and puzzled until his mind was sore. But then he thought of something he hadn’t before.
Maybe these ponies were not simpleton folk…maybe these ponies just knew how to take a joke. These ponies would never take offense, and it wasn’t because they were dense. It was because they were cheerful and glad, and couldn’t bring themselves to get mad. And the snob, who had thought he was the smartest pony around, was now all of a sudden the silliest pony in town. Now it all seemed to the snob so much clearer – he had failed to see humor when he looked in the mirror.
And you know what? Down in Ponyville they say, that the snob grew 20% humbler on that day. He realized there was no need to force somepony to improve, and now he had a hit play in his hooves! So he returned to Canterlot to make some adjustments to his play, and when it opened they loved it more than chocolate hay. This time he got professional actors and wrote a slightly different ending, where the main character realizes his views have been condescending. Now he had a fantastic job, and even better he stopped being a snob! For he always remembered the lesson he learned in Ponyville: that one should not think so poorly of others and really just chill. There was no point in acting like a stubborn bloke – everypony should be able to take a joke.
