Fighting Pony God

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Anon, Comedy
Length: 1731

Anon doesn’t vibe with his new universe and it’s rules, so he decides to throw hands with Faust.

The human known as Anon is sick and tired of the rules of the universe—at least the one he’s found himself in at the moment. So he decides to pick a fight with the pony equivalent of Jesus.

Nothing good ensues.

Published 2020-10-25 00:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-25 00:30:00 UTC

The fight of an Era

“Aye yo, Discord.” The draconequus looked over his shoulder to see Anon. His eyes widened just a tad, as did his smile. “Ah! Anon the human. What do you need my green fellow?”

“I want to beat up Faust.”

Discord blinked.

“Eh?”

Anon stood waiting. Discord took a moment to compose himself, coughing into his fist and clearing his throat.

“You.” Discord pointed at Anon, who gave a nod. “...want to fight Faust? The Mother of all Creation?“

The human nodded once more. The God of Chaos, and all that was disorderly; was very much confused.

“Why though?”

The human shrugged. “Don’t like her.”

“You don’t like her?“

“Yeah. I don’t like her, or the way she runs things.”

Discord nodded. “Okay my green friend, I can understand and respect that,” He scratched his chin, “but why are you telling me this?”

Anon crossed his arms. “Because you know how to get me to her.”

Discord raised a brow.

“I do?”

“I know you do.”

Discord stood there unblinking for a few moments, unnerved by the idea of Anon knowing his capabilities. He then scratched his head. “Well yeah, ok, I know how. But why would I help you, human?”

“Because I wanna beat her up.” Anon glared, an odd smile on his face.

“Yes. You’ve already told me that. But If anything, that dissuades me from helping you.”

Anon cocked his head. “But why? I thought you didn’t like ponies and their rules.”

“Yes. but Faust is also the reason anything exists.” Discord hissed out silently.

“It would be funny.”

Discord shook his head “Yes. It would be. But I’d rather not get screeched at by miss ‘Sun Kissed Flanks’ simply because I let her friend pick a fight with mommy dearest.”

“I’d body her. Like, I would straight up dunk on her, no cap.” Anon nodded to himself.

Discord gave a sigh and patted Anon on the shoulder.

“Your human colloquialisms evade my understanding, friend.”

Anon scoffed, removing Discord’s claw from his shoulder. He crossed his arms, deciding to tilt his head to the side.

“Are you gonna help me or what?”

Discord mumbled something about Anon needing help he couldn’t provide, before allowing himself to massage his forehead.

“Fine.” He clicked his tongue, “but I’m not responsible for any bodily harm caused by your tomfoolery.”

Anon nodded.

“Aight.”

Discord snapped his fingers.

Anon popped into existence somewhere he clearly couldn’t truly comprehend, but that didn’t really matter to the human, what did matter; was that his target was a few meters away from him. Her back towards him.

He began stalking towards her.

The omnipotent creature known as Faust sat on a ethereal cloud, currently enjoying one of the many pastimes she had access to.

That of course being Animal Crossing.

Being an all powerful creator came with many perks, one of which was having access to some of the creations born from her fellow celestial beings and their children.

Although, she did have to sacrifice a few villainous souls—a few being a dozen thousand—to her divine friend of the human realm to obtain such a creation. A pretty steep investment to most. But to her? It was totally worth it.

Faust let out a giggle.

She had just started to play and was editing her island; which she’d named ‘Pen’, when she felt a fist crash down onto her head.

*Bonk!*

She proceeded to have an involuntary nap.

“Well that was... easy.”

It was indeed. The God of Creation, The Mother of All. The Faust, went down like a sack of potatoes before she even knew Anon was there.

‘So much for omniscience’

He poked her a few times with a foot. Nothing happened.

Anon crossed his arms and waited for a few moments in silence, before he began to tap his foot on the ground in impatience, it’s strange surface not unlike water in its reaction with his tapping. It was... dry? It rolled off his foot without soaking his shoe, which was very strange. He decided to entertain
himself while waiting for... something. Anything really.

*blip blip*

“Now what?”

*blip blip*

“I didn’t plan this far ahead...”

*blip*

*blip*

*bli-*

“EEEEYAH!”

Anon was tackled from behind. The now apparent doppelgänger of Faust vanishing with a *POOF!*

Anon felt the weight of the immortal settle on top of him as his face bounced off the surface of the floor.

“You dare attack me? That’s not very nice!”

“Mmmff.” Anon’s breath was stolen due to Faust constraining his breathing. She’d put her entire weight on his back, which sucked.

“Well! What do you have to say for yourself, Sir?”

“Glrk.” He couldn't speak, so he tried catching her with his arms, after that failed he decided on rolling over, to which she let out a startled squeak.

“God woman. You’re heavy.” He huffed, his back now pinning the Alicorn. Before she wrapped her hooves around him and gave a flap of her wings, causing one of them to whip him right in the eye. Anon let out a screech. “My eye!”

“That’s what you get for calling me fat, you dotard!”

“I don’t even know what that means, you hag!”

He elbowed her in the withers causing her to let out a pained “Oof!” as he tried standing up and shaking her. But because of her weight and his shaky footing, he only succeeded in accidentally falling back and slamming her on the ground.

“OW! Get off of me!” Faust squirmed, before remembering that she was in fact a god. Her face blossomed red before she simply willed him off of her.

“There!” She held him down with her magic as he squirmed. She huffed, out of breath. ‘I should workout more often...’ She shook her head before sitting on her haunches.

“Now tell me, what’d you think you’re doing, human?”

He growled. “I’m here to beat you up!”

She blinked.

“...uh huh. And how is that working out for you Mister?”

“I had you on the ropes!”

She shook her head and chuckled.

“Uh. No you didn’t. I didn’t even have to bring out my quasar beam!”

Anon seemed to freeze, the idea of someone shooting him with a celestial object did not make him comfortable.

Anon paled, sweat starting to glisten on his forehead as he gulped. He ceased his flailing.

“Quasar... beam?” He squeaked.

She nodded cutely. “Uh huh! It’s my secret weapon against foreign invaders within my realm! Er... well I guess it’s not a secret now. But that’s fine, it’s not like you’ll tell anyone!”

“Right?” She leaned up to his face, thousands of untold horrors reflecting within her eyes.

“...no Ma’am?”

She smiled and gave a hop. “Good!”

“You’re lucky,” She started circling around Anon, which made him nervous. “If I hadn’t recognized you, you wouldn't be here right now!”

Anon’s shiver was ignored.

She stopped.

“But once again, you’re lucky! My daughter is quite smitten with you,” She created a table set out of nowhere, taking a seat, “she keeps going on and on about you every chance she gets, especially whenever we have tea!” Faust clicked her tongue and tea appeared on the table.

She took a dainty sip from her cup, letting out a sigh before looking at the downed human, who’s face seemed stuck in a state of perpetual confusion.

She gave a dismissive wave.

“But focusing on the now. I have to ask. What was your plan? To kill me? To usurp me? Or perhaps even... steal my Switch?”

She let out a mock gasp. “You villain!”

“Lady. I just wanted to fight you, I don’t like how you operate things.”

She cocked her head.

“Wha-?” She paused, rolling the thought around her head.

Then she snorted, before laughing at Anon.

“You-“ she shook her head incredulously, “you wanted to fight me because you don’t like the way I’m ’running things’?”

He nodded. It took her a moment to re-compose herself. She cleared her throat.

“Well that’s just silly. You could’ve put in a formal complaint instead of trying to kill me!” She chuckled again.

“What is it you have a problem with exactly?”

“I heavily dislike the fact that I can’t swear. I mean, the ponies have their swears and slurs like ‘Buck’ and ‘Zigger’ but I can’t drop an F-bomb when I stub my toe? I hate it!” Anon finished with a huff.

Faust waited for him to continue—for a myriad of complaints to spill from his mouth, but they never did.

“Wait. That’s it!?”

He nodded.

“Are you bucking serious?-“

“See that’s what I mean!”

“No! That’s really all you had issue with? Nothing against harmony or chaos, no anger towards the intrinsic childishness of my creations? No distaste to the literal speciesism I’ve sown onto the planet?”

“Nah.”

“Wow. That’s... kinda messed up.”

“You created it though.”

“Yeah but I mean... that’s cold, Anon.”

He nodded.

She sighed. “I can’t believe-“ she just shook her head in disbelief.

“Whatever. Sure. I imagine as long as you make sure my little creations stay oblivious to the context of the words you speak, you won’t be beamed out of existence by Hasbro.“

She let him go from her magic. He stood up and rubbed his head.

“Is that all?”

“Yep.”

She blew air out of her nose and shrugged. “You confuse me, Anon.”

She stomped her hoof and for a moment the sound of wind chimes filled the air. After it passed, she looked at the human.

“You should be able to swear. Go ahead, try it.”

“I hope you get mega aids, you fat cunt.”

She flinched away. “Sweet glory, Anon. I said try it. You didn’t need to hurt my feeling.”

“Sorry. I’m just excited. Do you know how pent up I’ve been?”

“Just... tone it down. I’m going to send you back now.”

Her horn glowed, and a vortex started to swirl around Anon. After a moment he was almost entirely engulfed, but not enough so that Faust couldn't see his grin.

“SAYONARA NIGG-“

He was gone with a pop.

Faust believes she’s made a grave error.

Author's Note

Guys the Cryptid in my attic won’t stop playing the Low Rider George Lopez ad at full volume while I’m trying to sleep, I don’t know what to do I’m scared.