Scenes of the Unity Sales Corps, Second Division.

An Officer, a somber Thestral with a Solemn emotion, his golden eyes annoyed by the typical kind of repetitive, meaningless office work he was assigned ever since he came back form his 'post war depression' leave a few months ago. He couldn't believe the nonsense he had to deal with on a Daily basis. Furthering the science and technology of Equinedom through Unity had brought upon the worst in Ponies and sapient races everywhere. The proof? This very mundane, yet blown out of proportion conflict he had to resolve.

This time, it was between two ponies in his department- an Earth Pony stallion, and a Unicorn mare- the latter was pretty peeved, at least her eyes betrayed her anger- which were sitting on large cushions before his mahogany desk. The Earth pony was clearly uncomfortable- he kept darting his eyes across the room, trying to occupy his mind with anything but the mare beside him. I could sense the tension between them, and knew i would have to somehow resolve this before the day was done. I sighed, and shuffled around the files on my desk, eventually taking hold of one, and skimmed it's pages.

The Earth Pony broke the silence, letting out a little nervous chuckle. ''What's going on, Officer?''

I tore my eyes away from the documents before me- a resume of the situation, a report by the mare before me- but i wanted the stallion's version of what had transpired. ''You do know what's going on. Tell me, if you please, are you the author of this last memo sent on our work's mail system? I took the liberty of printing it.'' I Took out a page out of the folder.

He swallowed, audibly, and strained while doing so. With a little cough, he looked at his feet, and finally dared take the letter held in my primaries, which i was dangling before his nose. ''Would you mind reading the first line?''
Shaking, he started reading aloud, ''Hey Gang-'' when he was interrupted by the mare ''Exclamation point! He dared add an exclamation point! So aggressive!'' She whiped her mane around, and threw him a venomous look. ''Not just hey gang, but an overly dramatic HEY GANG! It shook me to the core!''She took on an overly dramatic pose, one hoof held to her chest, and the other waving around like crazy- So I held a stiff, authoritative hoof towards the mare, and she stopped.

''What did you mean by that, exactly?'' I let the stallion steady himself, he was shaking like a leaf. ''I just thought I'd say a little something to the team. We got through the monthly objectives and even beyond, so I wanted to congratulate them-''
Again, using my authoritative hoof and gaze, i stopped him. ''Sure, but why the use of the word, Gang?''

His pupils shrunk and he let out a startled whiny. ''Because... Because I thought it sounded pleasing and unifying, Sir- you know like, Hey, What's up, Gang?'' The mare barely let him finish his sentence, and she pivoted on her seat to face him. ''Let me give you the proper definition of the word Gang- Organized Regrouping of Malefactors or Criminals.''
I sighed. ''your coworker here was pretty offended by that 'label'-'' And then she had the nurve to cut me mid-sentence- ''Hey gang. With an exclamation point. HEY GANG! GANG! It's not just gang. GANG!''

The stallion whimpered, and melted in his seat- a foal sized puddle on a velvet cushion. ''I only wanted to make other ponies happy. Congratulated, that their work was appreciated... Unified-'' She cut him off, her eyes wide with rage. ''Sure, it's Unifying if you wanted to be labeled a criminal on your workplace! When I read your memo, what I understood- Perceived- was ''hEy GaNg! We've met our objectives! By the way Twinkle, you should be in jail, getting raped by some guard, fumbled the breasts in exchange for a pack of smokes and two Celestia~Colas.''

I snorted, and with the most sarcastic tone i could muster, added ''And that's a valid interpretation by our lovely Twinkle here.'' Equine Resources had evolved so much lately, they had regressed to pre-colonial era. The Stallion picked himself up, and finally decided to show some backbone. ''But it's not what i said-'' Twinkle's eyes shined with a malicious intent, and she pointed an accusatory hoof at him. ''The use of the word 'Gang' encourages problematic, aggressive and hostile behavior between employees. Raise an hoof, those who've been the object of stares, those who've got their daisy sandwiches stolen in the Staff's kitchen?'' And she obviously raised an hoof to prove her point. Typical angry, Drama queen mares. She even let out a ''Here!'', as if taking presences at the start of classes in elementary school. It got a chuckle out of me, I'll have to admit.

''I think you're... Slightly, Exaggerating-'' The Stallion just said the worst thing possible right now. He belittled the enraged mare. He was in for it... ''Exaggerating?'' The tone at which she shrieked the word was the same one I would've used upon realizing the Princesses were in fact toads, ruling us from the shadows, sometimes wearing oversized costumes, since the dawn of time. ''Slightly?'' The lightning in her eyes stroke the Stallion dead- or so he wished. ''Honestly, since yesterday, every time I leave my desk on the way to the fillies room, I'm afraid of being stared at the filly-end, or worse, afraid I won't ever make it back- If I won't end up in a motel, saddled up and chained against a stained under-mattress, refusing clients left and right, kicking them with my hindlegs, bloated full of spe-'' I stopped her by clearing my throat, before she could utter unforgivable words. ''There are other coworkers offended by your use of the word Gang. Nightwing!'' I called for the Thestral mare from the office opposite mine. She quickly appeared upon the doorstep to my office with a soft ''Yes?'' She was one of the quietest ponies in the office. She always appeared submissive and almost scared of anything- But i knew her skill with a dagger, and knew this demeanor was only for appearances. Twinkle further turned on her seat to face the bat-pony mare, her eyes still burning with equal parts passion and hate. ''Gang, is that a word that leaves you unconcerned, since you're a basic bitch without an ounce of judgment- or does that make you feel oppressed and offended, like a true gender equalist and anti-tribalist militant- a good and proper, intelligent, self-respecting mare with proper values and morals, that wishes for a safe and secure workplace?''

The speechless, shy mare took a step back, and eventually replied, "that... second thing?", hiding herself behind her mane.

It fueled the enraged mare, and Twinkle had quite the twinkle in her eyes. "I knew it!" She bounced happily in her seat, her eyes narrowing on her prey- the squealing, shuddering stallion twirling his hooves. I nodded my thanks to the Thestral, dismissing her, which she did as quickly as possible. Nopony wanted to further enrage a Twinkle Dinkle- for fear of being the next offense needing to be repressed on her list. Smiling a shark's smile, the unicorn pointed at the Thestral departing behind her. "The poor dear is terrorized- us mares can't stand the constant tail-starring and judgement of oppressive coworkers! I can't stand it anymore- Now if someones smiles at me the wrong way, I'll cave their faces in with a mighty buck- and you're the sole responsible Pony!" With the deadliest stare she could muster, she pointed a hoof directly into the Earth Pony's face- "It's entirely your fault. learn to live with that.''

Steering the conversation in a more positive direction, I took out a sheet of paper I had prepared. "Here's a list of other words you can use in the future, to replace the word 'gang', authorized by the Administrative Offices, Equine Resources department." I slipped it to him, pinching the paper between two primaries.

Carefully lifting the paper before his face, he frowned in consternation. "There's only one word there. Coterie." I nodded. "Yes. It's a one-word list... But Coterie is more eh, festive and fun, don't you think?" I gesticulated to better translate my enthusiasm- in my own ears, it sounded more like a term a herd would use to vulgarize their arrangement. I ironically added, "It doesn't encourage the staff to host knife parties and exchange violent, heated debates, and possibly sexually offend each other." I barely contained a giggling snort, but i think my emotionless mask didn't break.

The mare cleared her throat. "I would feel better if you'd use 'Group of Equine creatures unified by a common ideal, and sharing common values like a safe workspace' but you know, I'll leave it to your discretion. Otherwise, everything is just fine!" Eyes still somehow angry, she clucked her tongue while starring at nothing in particular. I knew my job wasn't done yet- that mile wide stare told me there was still some unresolved conflict.

"I sense some bitterness here. Is there something else offending you, Twinkle?" I regretted asking the question, but knew I had to ask it if i wanted to keep my paycheck and indemnities. I hope my eyes didn't betray my annoyance too much.

"Oh you know, I'm not the kind to whine for no reason..." I could hear the stallion mumble under his breath, "Of course not...", as the Mare continued, "But I'm also rather offended by the use of the term 'Hey'."

I blinked, not understanding exactly where she was going with this, and the Stallion and I shared a confused look, one which transformed into worry on the Stallion's face- If I was confused, things clearly wouldn't end well for him. "People are already judging me for being an Alicorn..."

The stallion shot her an incredulous look- while i sagged into my seat. It was yet another problem i had with Twinkle- her stupid delusions. The stallion looked at me, and i just now realized he was a 'Temp', one of those the company enrolled for 3 months or less, so they wouldn't become on the permanent staff with the pay increase and benefits. Indemnities.

The confused stallion locked eyes with me, and quietly asked, "but she's not a Princess?"
The mare's face fell into a somber expression. "I refused the job. But I'm still an Alicorn!" Her horn shone, and ethereal wings appeared at her sides- vivid, colorful wings made of light, shining every color in the rainbow. "I could've been your direct superior- be glad I'm not asking for disciplinary action against you, Earther."

And once again, it started. For all her equalism talk, if someone got her started on her fake-Alicorn nonsense, she turned into the most tribalist horse i had ever known- yes, the insult was intentional. I had almost lost my job twice because of Twinkle- she was Evil Incarnate.

The stallion, unaware of how much trouble he was getting into, ran his mouth again. "But... Those aren't physical wings. You're not an Alicorn?"
Even with the inquisitive tone, the message was mistranslated by Twinkle- who took it as a personal insult. "Are you accusing me of Lying? I identify myself as an Alicorn! I demand to be treated with the respect I deserve!"

The stallion couldn't help himself, and melting into his cushion yet again, dared open his mouth again. "But, you don't have Earth Pony, or Pegasi inner magic. You're not-" And i Stopped him, but it was too late. "It doesn't have anything to do with magic! To me, being an Alicorn is characterized by my superior intellect and magical ability, thats without mentioning my foresight and wisdom. It's also clearly visible by those wings at my sides, no?"

The Stallion shot me the most confused, lost and flabbergasted state I had ever seen- "But... She's not an Alicorn, Officer Sir?"

I sighed. "Technically, ER says we can't possibly know if she's an Alicorn or not. Legally, us Officers don't have the right to ask- I learned this the wrong way."

He whinied. "But how is that related to the word 'Hey'?" Rookie mistake. He got into her sights again.
Missile Twinkle had locked in.
"It's a tribalist expression popularized by Earth Ponies, derived from the word 'Hay', inciting Earth Pony supremacy and extreme-right thinking. We cannot hold such political and tribalist views in our workplace."

The stallion was pitiful to look at- completely crumbled and crinkled like a rolled up piece of paper- while the towering Twinkle menacingly twirled an accusatory hoof at the poor Pony's nose.
"But it's such a common word..."

The relentless, savage and pitiless Twinkle grinned. "Yes, I can understand- however, used in that context, in that sentence, I felt like i was indoctrinated by your Traditionalist ancestors, and didn't like it one bit. I only ask that everypony changes to accommodate my awkwardness- is that too much to ask?"

I interjected myself before he could ruin the situation any further. "And so i hereby decree that we should change the word hey for... Hippity-Hoppity?"

The stallion cleared his throat, and tentatively tried, "Hippity-Hoppity Coterie, How's that sound?"

Twinkle nodded. "It's convenient to me, as an Alicorn." And the stallion just had to add, "But you're not-" before his head rolled to the ground, chopped by a glowing, shining wing of sharp light.

"I! AM! AN ALICORN!" she let out a roar of rage, and I pressed a button on my intercom.
"Clean up requested in office 307, as well as an escort for Twinkle back into her cage. The therapy was yet again unsuccessful."

Ponies in body armor emerged from all corners of the room, and held Twinkle down as I pressed another button on the intercom.

"Sir, the results are negative yet again today. Should we try again tomorrow?" An exasperated sigh could be heard in a robotic voice. "Just send her to Equine Resources. We'll brainwash her and try again."

Author's Note

This whole chapter was almost tore from a sketch on Quebec television. If you can name which show and which episode, I'll give you a cameo appearance in an upcoming chapter.