Sleeping With The Lights On
Ocean Breeze’s sleep was disturbed as she thought she felt something touching her. She considered for a second opening her eyes, but decided against it. She needed to wake up earlier than normal that morning, and didn’t want her slumber to be interrupted. That was the whole point of taking sleeping medication earlier that night.
Still, though, the feeling of being touched persisted, becoming more uncomfortable despite her futile attempts to ignore it. She continued to try however, at least until she felt something wet and sharp painfully scraping against her. She groggily opened an eye to see what it was and caught the surprise of her life.
“Who are you?” she screamed at the stallion before her as she backed up on the bed, pressing her back to the wall. She dragged her blanket over her as she stared at him fearfully, having no idea what to expect. Very luckily for her though, the stallion seemed disoriented, and made his way into her bathroom. She laid there for a few moments, unbelieving of what was happening, debating on what to do, waiting to see if he would come back out or what would happen next, before deciding to quickly make her way out of the apartment.
Outside, down the steps, into the cold air of Canterlot she went, making her way towards the bell that was several yards away, one that would immediately alert the guards on duty to make their way to her. However, before she could get there, another stallion that was standing a few yards away called out to her.
"Hey, did my friend go in there?"
She didn't know who he was, and was unsure of whether or not to speak to him. He was clearly with the stallion occupying her apartment, and she worried about whether or not he would try and hurt her. Somehow though, she found herself nodding in answer.
“He’s drunk,” he said. “He didn’t mean to go in there. I can get him out if you want.”
She tensed up at that suggestion for some reason, but managed to answer, “I think I’ll just call the guard.”
“Oh, you don’t need to do that,” he continued, seeming a bit nervous. “Let me get him out, please? You don’t need to get the guard involved.”
“I’m going to call the guard, “ she responded with finality, quickly and loudly ringing the bell. She knew it would only be a few minutes until they got to her from there.
“Hey!” the stallion yelled, making his way up the apartment steps and knocking on the door, cracking it open a bit. “She’s calling the guard! You need to leave now!” He then turned to her and said, "I'm sorry about him. He really didn't mean to go in there. I'm sorry."
Breeze didn’t move, waiting stiffly by the bell as she watched the stallion in her apartment exit and be greeted by his friend. She heard the second one say something, but she wasn’t sure what as she met her assailer’s gaze for a moment. It was right then that it clicked for her. That was assault. She was sexually assaulted.
She looked away awkwardly and cringed to herself as she heard both stallions gallop off past her. She felt… disoriented. Like she was inside of a dream. It had been maybe 10 minutes since she woke up, and it all felt surreal. What just happened couldn’t have possibly just happened. There was no way.
She stood waiting alone for several minutes in the cold early morning air before two members of the guard finally appeared. They were dressed in their typical gold plated armor and had a tired look about them as they trotted up to her, which was to be expected, seeing as it was just past five and their shift was nearly done.
“I’m corporal Quick Strike,” the first pony told her tiredly, “and this is my partner, private Noble Cause. You rang in for us?”
“Yes, um…” she got out, equally as tired, if not more so, unsure of what she was feeling right then. “I’m Ocean Breeze, and, um, I rang because somepony broke into my apartment.”
The two guards tensed up a bit at that. “Somepony broke in? Are they still in there?”
“No,” she answered with a sigh. “He left a couple of minutes before you got here.”
“He? So it was a stallion?”
“Yes…”
“Do you know if they took anything?”
“I don’t think they did, but I’m not sure. I left as soon as I saw him.”
“Was there anypony else in there?” Quick Strike asked.
“No, just him. I don’t have any kids or anything, just my two cats.”
“Can you tell us what happened?”
“I- I woke up and saw him, and then he went into the bathroom and I left… Um, there was another stallion out here asking if he wanted me to get him out and said that he was drunk. Then the first one left the apartment, and they ran down the street.”
She considered whether she should tell them what he did to her, before deciding against it. “It wasn’t really that bad,” she reasoned silently “I mean, I could’ve been raped and killed. I probably shouldn’t even be wasting their time with this…” She thought about it for another moment, before deciding that she wouldn’t say anything if they didn’t explicitly ask.
“Which way did they go?”
“Ah… they went that way,” she answered, using a hoof to indicate the direction.
“Can you tell us what they looked like?”
“Um, the one who was in the apartment was dark green with a blue mane, and wore a hat. The other one was brown with a black mane, and had a jacket on.”
“Okay,” he said, quickly writing down what she said. “Was there anything else we should know?”
She thought for a moment before saying, “No, not that I can think of.”
“Was he violent with you or touch you in any way?”
“I-” she got out, then paused, suddenly feeling very embarrassed and ashamed. “Um…”
“Yes?” the corporal asked, looking at her expectantly.
She knew she should tell them. She had to tell them. But she really, really didn’t want to. There was really no reason to. It wasn’t that bad. She’d just be wasting their time telling them. They didn’t really need to know, did they?
“Just tell them. Stop being a foal and tell them,” she thought, then spoke again. “He- he touched me,” she stuttered out quietly, looking at the ground. “With- with his mouth.”
She lifted her gaze to see them still staring at her with that same serious expression, and she suddenly got the feeling that they were only here because it was their job, not because they actually cared. “They probably don’t believe me,” she thought silently.
“Did you want us to bring medical aid to you?” the corporal asked, his tone unchanging, sounding as though he really didn't care.
“No, I’m fine,” Breeze sighed.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if you see them again, definitely ring for us, and we’ll come back, okay?” he instructed. “We’ll be off now, but nearby in case they come back. You stay safe, alright?”
“Alright,” Ocean Breeze whispered.
With that, the guards left, trotting off in the direction she saw the other stallions head in. She waited outside for another minute before carefully making her way back up the stairs into her apartment. It looked exactly how it always did, a small place with just a living room, kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. But now she was catching the faint smell of cigarettes and alcohol, a combination of scents that made her want to vomit, and saw her cats huddled in the corner of the bedroom, still sound asleep despite all that just happened.
“They definitely didn’t believe,” she thought depressingly. “They didn’t even bother to search the apartment. They didn’t believe me.”
She sat back on her bed with a sigh. It was the spot she woke up in just… what? Twenty minutes ago? Maybe? It felt like hours ago to her at that point. As little of the day that passed thus far had been, the part she’d already experienced had been completely surreal. This couldn’t have possibly happened to her. This had to be a trick, or a dream, or a spell, or a side effect of the sleeping medicine, or something. This couldn’t have just happened to her. It was impossible to believe.
As she sat contemplating the last half hour of wakefulness, she felt her heart start to beat harder and her breathing become deeper. She started to feel nervous, anxious, like there were awful butterflies in her chest that she wished would go away.
“What am I supposed to do?” she whispered as her hooves started to shake slightly. “I can’t just go back to sleep and pretend this didn’t happen, can I? What am I supposed to do? How am I not crying right now?”
She looked down between her legs and saw tiny drops of blood dripping onto her bed. “I have to go to the doctor don’t I?” she thought. “I need to take a shower… I feel dirty...”
She stood for quite a while under the warm water, letting it soak her coat and work down to the skin underneath, hoping it would wash away the feeling of disgust that was starting to take hold of her. It seemed to work a little bit, and also made her heart stop beating as intensely, but the feeling of both shame and anxiousness didn’t go away completely.
She also took the opportunity to check herself over, and saw that it was her blood that had dripped onto the bed from a cut she received from him. With the revelation, a new wave of anxiety gripped her. What if she had an STI? What if it was incurable? The thought alone sent a burst of terror through her, and she knew she had to get to a doctor as soon as possible.
“Why is this happening to me?” she whispered as the water worked itself into her mane and down her cheeks, making it seem as though she was crying. She wanted to cry, and felt like she should’ve been, but surprisingly couldn’t muster up the tears for some reason. She mostly felt… weird. Numb. Like this was something that happened to somepony else. Things like this weren’t supposed to happen to her. This was the kind of thing you read about in newspapers and heard from acquaintances as they told stories of what happened to people they knew. It wasn’t something that actually happened to people she knew, let alone herself. And yet, it did, and it seemed unbelievable to her.
By the time she was out and dried off, the sun had risen through the sky. Through the window, she could see a picturesque, perfectly clear blue sky, one that only served to enhance how surreal the morning had been thus far. There were ponies walking outside and talking to each other happily, heading off to do whatever it was they had planned for the day, as though absolutely nothing was wrong. And nothing was wrong, at least to them. Despite what had happened just a short time ago, it was a completely normal day for everypony else. It was weird for her to think, but she decided to try and put those thoughts out of her head as she made plans to get checked out by the doctor. She figured now was as good a time as any to be seen, deciding it was best to get it out of the way early.
She stepped into her bedroom once again and immediately started to feel like vomiting at the smell of cigarettes, which caused her to gag. She didn’t like the smell to begin with, but now, after what happened, decided that it was the worst smell in the whole world. She covered her nose with her hooves as she used her magic to quickly put on a jacket and retrieve her keys from her window sill. Just as she was about to leave though, she noticed the covers she still had on the bed, and saw the saliva that coated them. She decided then and there that she would throw them out, and picked them up as well to throw them in the dumpster.
From there, it wasn’t long before she was sitting in the waiting room at Ponyville’s General Hospital. She felt like the brief period of nervousness she had was slowly sinking away, replacing itself with numbness again. “It’s better to be numb than to feel anxious and awful,” she figured. “Besides, it wasn’t that bad, so there’s no reason to feel awful. It’s going to be okay. You probably don’t have an infection or anything, and will forget about this soon enough.”
“Ocean Breeze, I’m ready to see you,” a nurse, Redheart, called. The mare got up and followed her quickly and wordlessly, staying silent as her height, weight, temperature, and blood pressure were checked. Surprisingly, her nervousness and anxiousness had almost completely diminished by that point. As it should have, she figured. After all, a whole lot of ponies had experienced so much worse than her. There was no reason for her to be anything but completely calm.
“Oh my, one thirty-six over ninety-two for blood pressure,” the nurse commented. “And your heart rate is at a hundred and fourteen beats a minute. What’s got you shook up this morning?”
Okay, maybe she wasn’t calm. “But to be fair,” she told herself, “anypony would be freaked out if somepony broke into their house. It’s not because…”
She couldn’t help but cringe at herself. She didn’t like the fact that the term ‘sexual assault’ would be what was used to describe what happened to her, and found herself wishing she could call it anything else.
Breeze looked up again and suddenly realized that Redheart was still staring at her, waiting for her to tell her why she was seeing her.
“Well, um,” she started as she took a breath, trying to figure out how best to say what happened. “Well, to make a long story short, a stallion broke in and cut my… um… down there… with his mouth…”
She hated having to tell Redheart that. She was suddenly feeling embarrassed and ashamed of herself again, as though it was her fault that it happened to her. Not that it wasn’t. She knew it was. When she lived with her parents, they always got on her about locking the door, and she didn’t listen. When she lived with a roommate, they got on her about locking the door, too, and she didn’t listen then either. She knew she should’ve locked the door, but she didn’t, and it cost her.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Redheart told her sympathetically. ”That- that must have been awful. I’m sorry that that happened to you.”
“Did… did she chuckle?” Breeze silently wondered. “I’m sure she didn’t mean to chuckle, I’m sure it was just a reflex, but still…”
“Do you… can you hop on the table and show me where he cut you?” The nurse asked. The mare complied, quickly making her way up and spreading her legs for Redheart to look.
“Oh, he did get you, didn’t he? I bet that hurts, doesn’t it?”
“A little bit, yes,” she responded quietly.
“Since we don’t know what was in his mouth or what kind of diseases he might have, what we’ll do is take a swab and put some ointment on there, and then send you down to the lab to get some blood work done, okay?”
“Okay…”
“Uhhhh…” she started again, bending back down and examining her again, “you didn’t take a shower or anything did you?”
“Yes, I did,” Breeze answered honestly. “Was I not supposed to?”
“Well, um, you really don’t want to,” she explained, “because that washes away proof of what happened…”
“Oh, well… I already told the guards, so…” she trailed off, silently adding, “Not that they believed me…”
“But um, let me get a swab and put some ointment on there, then you can go down to the lab on the second floor. I’m also going to order some prescriptions that’ll be mailed to you, okay?”
“Alright,” Ocean Breeze sighed.
Before she knew it, the mare was standing in front of the receptionist with her lab ticket and papers she received from Nurse Redheart, signing in to get her blood drawn.
“Oh, you don’t have to sign in,” she told her. “You were here last week to get blood drawn as part of your physical. We’ll just retest that blood.”
“Um, I don’t think you can,” Breeze told her awkwardly, knowing full well they couldn’t just retest the same blood since it happened that morning. “It’s probably better to draw new blood.”
“It’s just a PIV test. We can use old blood to test.”
“I know that, but…” the mare trailed off. She felt embarrassed, and didn’t want to have to tell her out loud that they were testing for something that happened that day.
“I’d just rather you get a new sample if that’s okay,” she continued.
“Okay,” the receptionist answered, unable to hide her eye roll. “I just figured you wouldn’t want to do it again, but it’s up to you. Just take a seat, and we’ll call you when we’re ready.”
“She probably thinks I’m a slut,” Breeze thought as she took her seat. “She probably thinks I’m just a whore who doesn’t care about herself. She probably thinks I’m a stupid foal who doesn’t care what happens to them. And I am, cause I couldn’t just be smart and lock a stupid door for once in my life.”
It wasn’t long before she was being called into the lab and having her blood taken by a nurse she was familiar with.
“So, we meet again,” Nurse Tenderheart told her with a bright smile. “You were in here last week! What brings you back so soon?”
“Just, um… a follow-up,” Breeze lied. “I just need to make sure everything’s okay.”
“I can understand that,” Tenderheart responded. “Just stretch out your leg for me, and we’ll have that blood taken in a jiffy!”
“I shouldn’t have to deal with this,” she thought as she felt the needle prick into her vein. “This shouldn’t be happening to me. This is so surreal.”
“All done!” the nurse told her a few seconds later. “We’ll have your test results by the fourteenth.”
“The fourteenth? What’s today?”
“The eighth.”
“September eighth. My birthday is in a few days, isn’t it? Weird…”
“Did you have any questions or concerns, dear?”
“No,” she sighed. “I’m fine. Thank you.”
Somehow, Breeze found herself walking back up to her apartment, spotting her parents and her best friend standing out in front of it as she did so. They saw her approaching as well, and quickly ran up to her, causing the mare to frown and cringe to herself. She really would have preferred it if nopony else knew. “It wasn’t that bad,” she thought to herself.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetie!” her mother said as she quickly wrapped her hooves around her. She was already crying as she continued, “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Breeze! Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, mom,” she whispered, feeling awful that she made her mother cry. “They said he was drunk, and he left as soon as I realized what was happening. It was probably just an accident or something.”
“There’s no way what that monster did was an accident,” her father said angrily, stomping a hoof on the ground. “If I ever see him, I’m going to tear his head off! Nopony does that to my daughter and gets away with it!”
“Are you sure you’re okay, honey?” her mother sniffled, pulling back some. “I can feel your body still shaking…”
“Why did the guards have to tell them?” she silently asked herself. “They all feel bad for me now. They feel bad because of me, because I couldn’t just lock a stupid door…”
Breeze took a breath and flatly answered, “Yes, I’m fine. I’m just tired right now. I only got about an hour of sleep before I woke up, so I feel really exhausted right now. I just want to lie down...”
“Did you want us to stay here for a bit while you went to sleep?” her friend, Velvet Star, asked. “So you’re not alone? It won’t be any trouble to us…”
“Yeah, we can skip work today for you, Breezie,” her father agreed.
“I’m fine,” she thought. “I don’t need them to stay here for me. I don’t want to have to bother them with this, especially because it really wasn’t that bad.”
“Um, yes please,” she answered quietly. “I’d like that, if it’s no trouble to you.”
A few hours later, Breeze was waking up from a dreamless sleep, the mid-afternoon sun shining on her through the bedroom window. Her eyes flipped open, unfortunately still completely aware of what happened to her that morning. She was hoping she’d at least be disoriented and confused, wondering what she was doing waking up so late in the day, but no. She knew exactly why she was, and she hated the reason for it.
It still smelled like cigarettes and alcohol to her, but luckily, there was another, better scent drifting in, one that smelled like food cooking. She decided to take the opportunity to distract herself, and made her way into the kitchen.
“Breeze! You’re awake!” Velvet Star got out. “I hope you don’t mind that I raided your kitchen, but I thought it’d be nice if we cooked you some dinner. I brought some of our friends over, if that’s okay.”
“It’s fine,” she answered as she rubbed a tired eye with her hoof. “Where did my parents go?”
“They actually left a few minutes ago, but they promised to be back tomorrow to check on you.”
“Oh, I’m really sorry that happened,” another one of her friends told her as she moved up to give her a quick hug. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” she confirmed for what felt like the millionth time that day. “I’m just feeling numb. This whole day has been completely surreal. Surprisingly though, I haven’t cried at all.”
"I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, Breeze..." she continued sadly.
“Just know that we’ll always be here for you, no matter what,” another friend told her. “You can call on us if you ever need anything.”
“I know, and thank you. I just- I really don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay?" She paused and added, trying to change the subject, "What have you guys been up to lately?”
Her friends quickly got into what they’d been doing lately as the group sat down for dinner. Ocean Breeze listened intently as they described their week and what kinds of things they’d been going through, and even found herself laughing a little bit. It was a weird experience though, laughing. She felt like she shouldn’t have been. She felt like she should have been depressed and sulking and crying and talking about how her life would never be the same again. Instead, she was laughing, and just that fact made her cringe.
By the time dinner was finished, the sun had set, and the group was tired, especially Breeze. She was still feeling exhausted by everything that happened that day, a day that seemed to have started a lifetime ago, and was ready to head off to sleep for the night.
“We can stay if you want us to,” Velvet offered. “It’s really no trouble. You’re probably still really scared about what happened. I know that I would be.”
“I’ll be alright. You can all go home. Thank you for coming over though and cooking for me.”
“Are you sure you don’t want us to stay?” Velvet pressed.
She considered it for a moment, before replying firmly, “Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be alright.”
Her friends stared at her for a moment, before one of them said, “Breeze, you know you can tell us anything, right?”
“I know,” was her simple reply. "I appreciate that you'll be there to listen, but I really don't want to talk about it."
“Well, um, what I’m saying is, umm..."
"To put it bluntly," another friend started, "if this was a one night stand gone wrong, you don’t have to lie to your friends about that. You can tell us if it was.”
The mare stared at the ponies before her uncomprehendingly. They were accusing her of lying? Why would she lie about something like that? She wouldn’t. She would never do that. And yet, here they were, waiting for her response as though she’d tell them a story that was different from reality.
“We’re not saying you’re lying, Breeze,” Velvet started, “it’s just that we’re-”
“Get out.”
“What?” she asked, her face showing a look of complete confusion.
“Get out right now!” she screamed at them, causing them to jump. “I don’t ever want to see you here again!”
“Breeze, please! We’re just letting you know-”
“You’re letting me know that I can tell you anything because you think I’m lying! Just like the guards this morning who didn’t even go inside my apartment! Just like the receptionist who probably thinks I’m a whore! Just like the nurse who laughed at me!”
“We’re not saying-”
“Yes you are!” she screamed, intensely angry. “Now get out! Right now! Go!”
She stared at them with a look of pure hate, her face twisted in a snarl, watching as they slowly left and slamming and locking the door behind them. Then she marched into her own bedroom, slamming and locking that door as well. Last but not least, she drew her curtains, drenching her room in darkness as she found her way to the bed.
“Of course they don’t believe me,” she thought angrily, bitterly. “I didn’t cry, I didn’t look sad, I was acting like it didn’t happen. It’s my fault anyway. I’m only in this position because I don’t know how to lock a door. It wasn’t even that bad anyway...”
She sat in anger for a few minutes, slowly letting herself breathe and calm down before she realized just how dark it was in her room right then. It was nearly pitch black, the only light coming from Luna's moon, which was being filtered out by her blinds. It made her uncomfortable. Afraid even. It was sending a newfound wave of anxiety through her, and made her heart beat hard against her chest once again.
“Stop it,” she told herself. “There’s no reason to be afraid. Sure, it was technically sexual assault, but it wasn’t like you were raped or tortured. I don’t even think he meant to do it anyway. He was drunk. He’s probably feeling awful about what he did…”
It didn't make her feel any less afraid though, and she found herself turning the lights back on before curling up on the bed, opposite of the spot she usually slept in, pressed right up against the wall. She could hear both of her cats running around her living room and playing with the toys she left out for them, just as they did every night, making her anxiety and fear worse. She couldn’t help but imagine that somepony else was trying to enter her apartment, waiting for her to go to sleep so they could do to her what the other stallion did. She tried to close her eyes and put her pillow on her ears to block out the sound, but eventually found herself snuggling it in sadness and fear, wishing she had somepony to hug.
“It wasn’t that bad,” she tried to convince herself, “and it was my fault anyway for being too stupid to lock the door… I hate myself…”
Just like that morning, she found herself wanting to cry, and once again found herself unable to do so, eventually drifting off into an uneasy sleep, the bedroom lights still on, as though they were somehow protecting her.
