Equestria Girls: The fifth one

by Tar-Palantir

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Equestria Girls, Main 7 (EqG), Random, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy
Length: 1143

Who would've thought that one expired cupcake could lead to a wacky round-the-world adventure? Rainbow Dash sure didn't.

Because of a line of increasingly idiotic and life-threatening dares, Rainbow Dash consumes an expired cupcake that even Pinkie Pie wouldn't touch. Naturally, her consciousness and rationallity blacks out for 3 days and when she wakes up, the sports star of Canterlot High finds that she has somehow left quite the mess in her wake.

What follows is a truly outrageous adventure the likes of which you have never seen! With their path spanning across the entire globe, the Rainbooms shall have to make their way through everything from temples of doom to suburban annoyances.

This thrilling journey is filled with action, suspense, comedy, ninjas, sugar-rushes, sword fighting, explosions, lovecraftian horrors, superheroes, time travel, dimension-crossing, columbian druglords, a guy named Steve, and a surprising amount of swedish pop music!

Why? Who knows? I sure don't, and I'm the freaking author.

This crackfic is pure, concentrated, creative madness is what I'm getting at, born from the sick, twisted, demented realm that is my mind. If you're looking for order, consistency, and any resemblance of sanity, well... You've come to the wrong place, bucko!

You have been warned.

Published 2020-10-25 14:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-25 14:20:00 UTC

How did we get here?

Because of an unforseen and extraordinarily complex and silly series of odd and, dare I say it, most unorthodox events, existence itself was in shambles.

It is not possible to accuratley describe the surroundings and setting, as practically everything was floating around everywhere without making even a lick of sense in the slightest.

There was no up, there was no down. There was no right and no left. No rhyme, no reason. Man had become like the animal, animal had become like the dirt, and dirt had become like tech support. That last one wasn't all that different, actually.

Throughout the countless dimensional rifts there came and went all manner of creatures and entities, clashing either out of malice or out of pure bad luck and misunderstanding. Gods, men, and elderberries fought not only to prove their superiority, but to ensure their survival as the slightest of mistakes could ensure them glitching out of their own reality!

Of course, it wasn't a picnic for the average Joe either. Except for literally everything being either on fire or drowning, the very fabric of time and space was warping at random. One minute you were breathing air, the next one you're breathing feet! Think you found a delicious ham on rye? It's actually a planet... that you just ate.

Amongst the blazing inferno and dimensional chaos, the Potato King, no longer bound by the powers of the intergalactic space teletubbies nor hindered by the League of Extraordinary Awesomeness, was unleashing eons of pent up fury in a blind and deadly rage, destroying whatever dieties and realities that happened to be in his way.

The pure power of the mighty potato's mere presence was shaking up the already fragile existense, worlds and places seeming to float about without any sense of order or respect for basic laws of physics. Wales was floating directly above the river Nile, Gotham City was playing Tic-Tac-Toe with King's Landing, New York was crashing violently into Kebnekaise, and Moskva did a backflip before landing unceremoniously in the ruins of dimension number 7@/113 which was entirely made out of cream cheese.

Through these splintered parts of dimensions, there moved a single streak of what appeared to be a rainbow of all things. It was moving in speeds most unpresidented, so fast that not even the Flash's cameraman would be able to keep up if he tried.

The streak manouvered masterfully through all the chaos, managing to avoid the interdimensional fire storms, the continual shifting and barely functioning gravity, as well as all the insanity that popped up at random due to the literal existential crisis. The blur passed through walls, mountains, pudding, the Hufflepuff Quidditch team of '89, and a surprising amount of live action disney movies, though it never hesitated!

Whatever the streak was, it was determined and would not be hindered at any cost!

It would have to wait, though. Why, one might ask? Well, because suddenly, the entirety of the multiverse suddenly froze in place, accompanied witht the sound of what sounded eerily similar to the abrupt scratching of a record.

This is, however, rather convenient as all of the ongoing, reality-warping chaos and the immeasurable destruction caused by it, was also frozen in place, allowing us to get a better look at the whole thing. However, the event in and of itself made Weirdmaggedon look like the definition of sanity, so unbelievably beyond human comprehension that not even the most renowned poets of all time would be able to possibly describe it all in enough detail without their brains exploding.

Well, except for perhaps Dante Alighieri. Unfortunatly, he was not available to do said description. Not because he was dead, but because his ghost was off playing golf in at a fancy shmancy country club in the Matrix with Cap'n Crunch and Ozzy Osbourne at that time.

But this freeze frame wasn't for the sake of even trying to understand what was basically every death metal album cover ever amplified by 10. Instead, we can now get a good look as to what that rainbow-blur in actuality was.

The frozen existence revealed the blur's true identity to be that of a teenage girl... with horse-hears and wings, strangely enough. But to be fair, with everything that was going on around her, a teenager with animal features really wasn't all that peculiar. Anyhoo, the girl seemed to have been frozen in mid-run, her legs raised and ready to sprint up another step.

She had cyan skin, though it was spotted by all sorts of cuts and bruises. Her impressive mane of rainbow-coloured hair looked as if it was partly on fire, and yet her violet eyes were frozen in a panicked, yet determined expression.

As for her attire, it seemed to be some sort of futuristic armor, coloured dark blue with blue energy-lines running along her limbs which seemed to be emitting sparks of electric blue lightning all around her surroundings. Because of her great speed, a streak of rainbows was somehow left in her wake.

Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.

Of course, the "Me" in this case being the one, the only, spectacularly awesome Rainbow Miriam Dash! Gentlemen, ladies, please! Control yourselves!

Anyhoo, this intro is kinda cliché, I know. BUT just how me and my friends ended up here, with me running like my life depended on it (WHICH IT DOES), having to escape the wrath of some eldricht abomination of unimaginable horror as reality crumbles around me, is actually kind of a funny story in retrospect.

So, pull up a chair, grab a drink, get yourself comfortable, and be ready for one of the weirdest tales you have ever heard! And I should know, I regularly hang out with Pinkie Pie. That crazy dame has some stories to tell, let me tell ya! Luckily for whoever you are, some of those crazy tales actually intertwine with this one!

But, getting back to where the focus should rightfully be, as this is about me and all that, I guess I should get back to where all of this crazyness originated from.

No. Not Midknight10's imagination. That thing has driven eggier heads than mine to go cuckoo for Coco Puffs, so to quote his mother, "I ain't touching that"!

...

Just kidding, I love this guy!

Thank you.

No prob. What I meant is that I could take you guys actually reading this thing back to that one fateful day where all of this insanity started, and go on from there. Sounds good? I don't care, we're doing it anyway.

Ya see, it was the first week of summer vaccation, and my good pal Applejack and I were having a little competition...

Author's Note

This all makes sense in context, I swear