The Lonely Chapter (But Dash and Capper aren't)
"Okay," Twilight said, flipping through her notes, "I think that's everything I need."
Dash shook herself and some more marinara sauce fell from her mane to the crystal floor. "I appreciate it, Twi. You're a good friend."
Capper pulled another one of the spaghetti noodles off his shoulder and dropped it. "Can you try to get my cape back, too, little princess?"
"One last question," Twilight said. "Are you two guilty?"
Capper and Dash looked at each other. The police hoofcuff that attached Dash's right-rear hoof to Capper's right wrist glinted in the sunlight coming in through the suite's picture window. Dash balanced on three legs, her cuffed leg above the horizontal. Capper, far taller than Dash, leaned his right shoulder down.
"Welllllll..." Dash mumbled, looking at the floor, "A bit. Yes."
"So you want me to get you a pardon from Celestia for a crime you two admit to committing?"
"Well, my purple pony princess," Capper said, "if we wasn't guilty, we would be seeking a fair trial, not a pardon. The crux of our argument, such as it is, is that it shouldn't be a crime to—"
"Shhhh!" Twilight held up a hoof. "Fine. I'll talk to Celestia. And a commutation is probably the best I can do. However, I'm locking you two into this suite" —she zapped the door with a spell— "until I get back. Both so the police don't arrest you any further, and to keep you two from doing anything else stupid."
"C'mon, Twi," Dash said, "I can do something stupid even locked in an empty room."
Twilight gestured encompassingly. "This is the nicest guest suite in my castle. Hang out here. I'll have Spike bring you two some food in a little while. Get cleaned up." She pointed at the bright red sauce and noodles that covered each of them.
"Hey, Twi," Dash said, rattling the hoofcuff, "before you go, could you—"
Twilight teleported out.
"—uncuff us from each other? Darn it. Capper, you're a career criminal, you know how to pick hoofcuffs, right?"
"Not pony handcuffs, my rainbow-maned accomplice, they're magically enchanted."
"I'm going to have my lawyer plead 'rainbow-maned accomplice after the fact,' since you crossed the border with the contraband, not me."
"Honestly, how long have tomatoes been illegal in Equestria?"
"Since Luna got food poisoning five weeks ago." Dash shook her head, and looked at herself. Since both of their right sides were cuffed, his right arm crossed to his left, the two appendages meeting just below Capper's waist height and around Dash's ear-height.
"Why," Capper asked, "did they cuff my hand to your rear leg?"
"The Ponyville police can go a whole year or more between arrests. They probably forgot how."
"I would have thought those Cutie Mark Kiddos—"
"Let's get cleaned up." Dash hopped backwards toward the door to the bathroom, looking over her withers to avoid stumbling. She dragged Capper along and rammed butt-first into the door, knocking it open and leaving a smear of tomato sauce on the crystal.
"Well, Imma be a princess from now on," Capper declared, looking around as he twisted between the doorjamb and the pegasus. "This bathroom is bigger than my home."
A massive expanse of polished crystal floor stretched out around them, the crystal heated and warm on the pads of his paws. A door led to a water closet, and another to a linen closet. A massive trough-shaped sink of polished marble, with three separate taps, sat against one wall. A shower stall large enough for two yaks and a bathtub large enough for a seapony dinner party completed the bathroom. The west wall was another picture window.
Dash frowned at the shower and tub. "Huh. Those are big. Too big for you to stand outside while I shower."
"I guess you're going to be a filthy little pony until we get out of these cuffs."
Dash squirmed, her tail tucking low. "I also... uh..."
"Don't you dare say—"
"Gotta water the clouds."
"Well, you're just gonna have to hold it—"
Dash stumbled three-legged into the water closet, where the walls were so narrow they brushed her wings. Capper's broad shoulders bashed into the doorjam, so he twisted in sideways.
She faced the back wall and the toilet and struggled to get turned around, cuffed to Capper in the narrow space. After a minute she simply hopped up on the seat and placed her forehooves on the cistern's lid.
"Wait," Capper said, pointing at the white porcelain. "That's a pony litterbox?"
"It's called a 'toilet.' Yeah."
"I thought thems was drinking fountains."
"Ew! Oh, Luna, tell me you didn't—"
"Nah, I only drink bottled sparkling water."
"Wait! Where have you been—?"
"There's a litterbox behind the school."
"That's a sandbox."
"Yeah, a litterbox."
"Oh, Miss Cheerilee is gonna be so mad..." Dash muttered under her breath about Nurse Redheart and toxoplasmosis. "How did you even find that schoolhouse?"
"Gabby showed me."
"Uh." She squatted on the seat, her rear legs balancing her weight. The short chain that connected them dragged him down, and Capper's face bashed into her spine, between her wings.
"Ack!" he said, pulling his head back and wiping stray blue hairs off his tongue with his free hand. His whiskers quivered.
"Turn around," Dash said and she climbed on the seat. "Don't watch."
He turned away and the hoofcuffs yanked taut, pulling her off the commode. She shouted and flapped, chin hitting the top of the porcelain cistern. She slid off the toilet entirely, face-first onto the floor.
"Ew, the floor smells like dragon pee." After struggling back onto the seat, still sitting backwards, she said, "Well, cover your eyes. I can't go in front of a stallion. Can you believe the Wonderbolts' locker room is co-ed? I usually sneak to the infirmary bathroom to pee. Don't look."
"Perish the thought," Capper said, and buried his eyes into his left elbow while he waited for Dash to do her business.
"Oh," said Dash.
"What?"
"I—I—I—I'm having trouble."
"You said you had to go."
"I also said I can't go in front of somecreature."
"You said in front of a stallion."
"I lied, I can't go in front of another mare, either. Living in the dorm at Flight Camp as a filly was awful. I got a UTI from holding it."
"My rainbow friend, please stop saying those sorts of things."
"I'm the one with stagefright, can you please be really quiet and really, really still? Pretend you're not here."
"I wish, I wish, I wish I wasn't here..."
Dash sat for more than a minute, breathing deeply. Her ribs pressed against Capper's with every inhalation. Finally, her body stiffened. With a trickle at first and then a loud gush, she did her business.
Capper clenched his eyes and tucked his ears tight to his head. His right hand was touching her right cutie mark while she peed, and his flank touched hers. Ew, ew, ew. So gross. Capper was as fastidious as any Abyssinian, and his entire species preferred to do their business in a dark corner in private. His sensitive nose wrinkled. Pony pee smelled weaker than cat pee, at least.
His chest was pressed against her lower back, and her body shivered as she finished with a last trickle. His brain spluttered.
"Is it rainbow?" he asked, before he could stop himself. "Never mind, I don't want to know."
"Um," Dash said.
Capper ignored her.
"Um!"
He whistled nonchalantly and stroked his whiskers with his free hand.
"Capper."
"What!"
"I, uh, can't reach..."
"Don't say it."
"Give me a wad of toilet paper."
"Don't say it."
"I've gotta wipe."
He opened his eyes, unrolled a length of toilet paper, folded it neatly double, closed his eyes again, and held it forward.
"Folded? Barbarian." Her forehooves brushed his hands as she took it from him.
He clenched his eyes tighter and tried not to listen.
"So," Dash said.
"Pony, you've gotta finish and get us outta this closet. I can't cope with this. I'm a civilized cat, and cats use a litterbox in private."
"I need you to balance me. I need my forehooves for balance, but I also need them to wipe."
"I ain't balancing you."
She tensed her hind legs, lifting her butt about eight inches above the seat. She flagged her tail, its tip brushing his whiskers. "Then I'll balance while you wipe me."
The tickling tail hairs made him rear back. His gaze went, against his will, under her tail, where he saw her pink folds as a last drop of yellow—
Capper hissed and clenched his eyes shut. "Okay, I'll balance you, so I ain't gotta wipe you. I ain't touching your... nethers"
"It's just pee," Dash said.
"Cats ain't got nothin' to do with their own leavings after they're done, you think I want to deal with yours?"
"Wait, do you literally go in a box?"
"Of course, my momma raised me right."
Dash lifted herself another few inches and Capper gripped the curve of her right thigh, grabbing her knee or whatever it was, with his cuffed hand, and circled his left arm around her chest, left hand on her sternum.
"What is this called, anyway?"
"A bathroom."
He squeezed her leg. "This. Knee?"
"Oh. 'Stifle.'"
His squeeze made him notice something: this was a muscular pony. It was like touching another Abyssinian: muscles like a marble statue hid under that soft coat. He thought about Pinkie, Rarity, even Princess Twilight: those ponies were soft around the corners, marshmallowy. Fluttershy was skin and bones, and Applejack a combination of thick muscle and well-fed curves. But Dash, however... he could feel the individual cords of the flight muscles in her chest. She carried no fat at all underneath the soft coat.
Her body tensed and relaxed as she wiped her privates and dropped the folded paper into the bowl. "Okay, done. Back up and drop me on the floor."
He lifted her and very nearly tossed her into the ceiling before arresting his own motion. Dash gave a little yelp.
She didn't weigh much more than the folded paper had! He switched his grip—getting yet a better feel of her muscles—and placed her hooves-down on the crystal floor.
"Dash, if'n you don't mind me asking... how much do you weigh?"
"None of your business!" She stomped the flush pedal, her face red with what could have been anger, embarrassment, or perhaps a combination.
"No, no," Capper said. "I've had trips to the litterbox that weighed more than you. I about tossed you head-first into the next floor."
"I'm a pegasus, Capper."
"I noticed the wings on my own."
"I have hollow bones."
Capper blinked. "Like a bird?"
"Actually, no. Birds don't really have hollow bones, they're just... well, I don't know the egghead words. But pegasus ponies literally have hollow bones. I'm about the same size as Rarity but half her weight. Anyway, sorry, but I really had to go. Thanks for being a sport."
"Don't ask again."
"But peeing isn't as embarrassing as the next thing will be."
Capper's whiskers went stiff. "Well, you had better just be able to hold—"
"Not that. Shower. I'm still covered in the marinara sauce you smuggled into Equestria."
Capper backed out of the water closet, Dash hopping on three legs along with him. They looked at the shower stall.
"Cats don't do showers," he said, and his sandpapery tongue licked down the back of his left hand. Then he looked at his cuffed right hand, which had been so close to where Dash had been wiping. "I would like to wash up, however."
"But I'm filthy, Capper. This marinara is sugary. We'll grow mold." She twisted around and looked under her own tail. "And somehow you got it..."
"I'm not showering. Cats don't do that. I made that clear."
"Tigers love to swim."
"They ain't real cats."
Dash flapped hard, pulling him toward the shower, but he flopped onto his back and grabbed the water closet's doorjam with his free hand, sharp claws sinking into the wood. They both grunted and struggled, agony in his right shoulder as Dash fought to tow him to the shower stall, muscles straining and wings beating the air.
After about ten seconds, Dash flared her wings and landed. She glared at him and flicked her ears. "You're stronger than you look."
"Feline muscles."
"Okay, smartycat, what now? You going to lick me clean, too?"
Capper sat up, sitting cross-legged. "Those princess-castle sized sinks could easily hold a pony."
"You're going to give me a sponge bath instead of taking a shower?"
"No, you're giving yourself a sponge bath in the sink while I look the other direction and think of Abyssinia."
Dash stretched her neck and looked toward the shower stall. "Oh, come on... this is clearly a unicorns' suite."
"What?" Capper said. "You're changing the subject."
"No, I'm not. Twi didn't stock this suite for pegasus or earth pony guests. At home, I have long-handled scrub brushes, water jets, and a back scratcher in my shower so I can clean myself. A unicorn just levitates the soap."
"That sounds like a subject change."
"You have to scrub me down," Dash clarified.
"Like furballs I do."
Dash stumbled around, tugging his arm straight as the hoofcuff went taut, and she raised her tail at him, her privates and butt in his face.
"Pony, what the—" he said, closing his eyes again and burying his face into his left elbow.
"Marinara everywhere."
"I'm covered too!"
"I got marinara on my... uh, mare bits. I'll get an infection."
"What?"
"Do you not know anything about mares? Or females in general?"
"What!"
"It happened that time with the pudding. Sugary pudding got everywhere, all the mares ended up at Nurse Redheart's clinic's holiday hours on Hearth's Warming morning with yeast infections. Sugar and—" Dash swallowed audibly "—v... v... vvaginas are a terrible combination."
Capper scrunched his eyes and crossed his legs a little bit more, because he found himself reacting slightly to the smell of Dash's undertail. That didn't make sense, and he knew it. Capper was all about the lady cats. Ten years in Klugetown had taught him that. If she wasn't a cat, he wasn't interested.
"I'm not washing under no little ponytail."
"Fine," Dash said with a snort. "Lift me to the sink and I'll wash myself, since you're determined to be unhelpful."
She dragged him to the linen closet, hopping on three legs. She grabbed a stack of towels and washrags under a wing and Capper carried a second stack of towels, low at his waist, so that he had something to conceal his growing reaction with. The thought of the pony, or anything but a lady cat, didn't do anything for him. It was just that he hadn't gotten any action in years, his dick hadn't been wet in over ten years, and wasn't that depressing? So: being near any sort of female mammal, well, his own bits had a mind of their own, didn't they? He wasn't attracted to her. It was just that her muscles were more like a cat's than anything he'd been around for a long time.
He shuddered, remembering how just a few weeks after fleeing to Klugetown, he'd applied all of his formidable charms to one of the fish-ladies, and then had spent that evening not making sweet love, but instead scraping her caviar off the wall of his home and sanitizing away the stains. Never again would he mess with a lady that wasn't another Abyssinian.
After he lifted Dash to the sink, she turned on the water and grabbed a washrag in her mouth. She scrubbed her forelegs and flanks, alternating setting the rag down to grab a pitcher to pour water over herself.
Capper felt his eyes widening. Dash's fluffy coat, now soaked, clung to her back and flanks, and the lean muscles rippled as she moved. She was half fluff! This pony was even smaller than he thought, and she'd been pretty small to start.
His whiskers flicked as he silently chastised himself. Capper turned away, his erection getting more and more difficult to conceal.
"Capper?"
"Yes, my wet accomplice?"
"Soap my mane and my back."
He opened his mouth to argue, but really, it wasn't an unreasonable request, was it? It was, ultimately, his fault that she was in this situation. Capper filled the pitcher and poured it over her head, neck, and back, then squeezed a gob of soap into his free hand.
"Start with my mane," she said, frowning and tapping a forehoof. "I'm still so mad at you about this whole—"
His free hand rubbed the soap into her rainbow hair. Her hoof-tapping ceased and she stood still except for her swishing tail. He started just above her eyebrows and she arched her neck, tilting her head up to ensure the soap ran away from her eyes. He massaged backwards, sudsing her mane. Her frown faded, turning into a thin smile.
Taking another short step closer, Capper's cock banged into the edge of the counter. He shifted his hips slightly, forcing it sideways and ensuring it was hidden from the pegasus. He did not want to fuck her. This was simply an unavoidable reaction to being so near a female mammal for a change, and one that reminded him of the lady cats he so desired.
Maybe the tomato scheme hadn't worked out, but he would find some way to make a few bits. A city as big as Canterlot must have a sex industry, and the rich ponies would be as degenerate as the bluebloods of his own nation, employing prostitutes of different species in the big city. Maybe he could find a ladycat of negotiable virtue who would cut a discount for another Abyssinian...
His hand moved down Dash's neck, rubbing the slick soap into the thick hair, and feeling toned muscles even there. She probably pulled enough g-forces her neck was as hard as the rest of her body.
Dash's left rear leg trembled and she slowly rocked her head left and right, her breathing deepening. Capper finished rubbing the soap into her mane, filled the pitcher again, and rinsed the soap out, then worked more soap down her spine from the shoulders to the base of the tail, scrubbing away patches of marinara sauce. The muscles around the wings went rock-hard as she flexed them a few inches from her flanks. After another splurt of soap into his palm, he moved from the base of her tail, across the thigh to the right cutie mark—
Her eyes popped open and her rump muscles tensed nicely.
"No!" Dash snapped. "Stop!"
Capper looked at her, hand pressed against the rainbow.
"I... no. Cutie marks are kind of... no, thanks."
"Sorry," he said, and pulled his hand away. "I didn't know."
"S'allright," Dash said, flicking her ears. "I guess you didn't know not to touch a pony's mark?"
He shook his head."You were gonna say, 'cutie marks are kind of what?'"
"Not for a stranger or acquaintance to touch?" Dash replied, biting her lip. "It's hard to describe. Just, no thanks."
"Okay," Capper said. "I'm sorry. While I'm apologizing... I'm sorry I got you arrested. And entangled in my business enterprise."
"Are you sorry, though?"
Capper nodded, biting his lip.
Dash flipped her tail. "Well, okay, Capper. Apology accepted. Let's hope Twilight can sort this out."
His cock was pounding into the side of the cabinet with his every heartbeat. Hopefully his erection would fade before it was time to lift her out of the sink. Without pants or his overcoat, how was he going to hide a hardon from her? How would he explain, Sorry, I ain't been near a lady mammal in ten years and my body don't know you ain't a cat? That sort of insult would wreck the apology she'd just accepted.
"Need me to wash your wings, little pegasus?" He looked at several large tomato stains on her feathers.
Dash flicked an ear. "They're filthy, so yeah, but... be careful, all right? Especially of the feathers. I'm a professional athlete. If I can't fly, I can't eat or pay my stupid mortgage, ya know?"
She spread her wings.
Capper's eyes widened as every cord and knot of muscle stood out under her slicked-down coat. It was like looking at an anatomy book.
"What?" Dash asked, one eyebrow raised.
"Nothin'." He gently wet, soaped, and rinsed the feathers, keeping his claws retracted. Her wings were just as muscular as her back and rump. As he scrubbed and rinsed, her eyes closed and tail rose. The longest flight feathers on the tips of her wings vibrated slightly.
"Could you get my ears?" Dash asked, her tail swishing rapidly. "You missed my ears."
As he scrubbed them, a sound like a purr rose deep in her tiny chest, and she twisted her head this way and that, pushing up into his palm.
"I, uh, sorry," Dash mumbled. "I've never, ya know, hands."
"Spike has hands."
"Ew."
"That everything, little pony?"
"Capper, that's getting old. Call me Dash, or Rainbow, or Rainbow Dash, but enough with the little nicknames."
"That everything, Dash?"
She hummed softly while tilting her head back and forth against his palm. "I guess you wanna get clean now? Go ahead."
He was soaked to his upper arms. The sink's drain was half-clogged with bits of tomato and strands of spaghetti. Using a damp rag, he cleaned the tomato sauce and noodles off himself, using his tongue to finish up his fur and leaving himself spotless.
"Okay," Dash said. "You done?"
"Yeah."
"Last thing." She turned around and raised her tail. "Go ahead."
Capper started to clench his eyes and avert his head, but then he paused and looked. The pony really did have tomato sauce and some bits of pasta under her tail. Her coat, smooth over most of her body, turned fluffy around her vulva, and was matted with the mess. Her slit and the entrance to her depths were bright pink and soaking wet.
The smell hit his nose, his whiskers quivering. The soaking wetness wasn't water from the sink.
"I ain't cleaning your privates, little—Dash."
"It's medically necessary."
"I ain't allowed to touch your cutie marks, but you want me to.. to... to draw back your curtains?"
"Just do it and be done, Capper. Use a clean rag, and wipe up toward the... uh, exhaust port, and not from it, okay?"
Capper blinked several times. Her bright-red clitoris pulsed with her heartbeat, as did her tiny anus.
More liquid dripped from her folds to slick her clit. She was turned on. This was—oh, no, no no nononono this was not happening. And, dammit all to the fiery depths of the desert, his erection was turning into a raging boner.
He sniffed, and the scent of her excitement gripped him around his throbbing balls.
"Pony—Dash—Rainbow. I'm not sure... you're really wet."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? Your hands felt nice."
She was turned on. And she knew it.
He wet a clean rag under the hot tap and wiped from her clit, up along her bright pink slit, to her puckered anus. She gasped and shuddered, her wings flexing and ears perking vertical.
"Don't enjoy that," Capper commanded as he dropped the rag on the floor.
"Look, you hit my clit. I can't help it." Her clit throbbed rapidly, redder than before.
He used a second rag to clean the fluffy coat on her pubis, removing the last of the marinara sauce. She purred again, her tail swishing left and right. He dropped that rag, too, as if it had burned him.
Her clit throbbed harder, pulsing, far larger than any Abyssinian clit he had ever seen, even though the smallest queen of his own species he had ever slept with was at least three times Dash's size. Apparently, pony clit was... disproportionate.
"Thanks," she said breathlessly, lowering her forequarters to the basin and leaving her rump high. "Can you put me on the floor? The hoofcuff makes it hard to jump."
Capper's jaw dropped as he thought about the raging boner.
"What's wrong?" Dash asked.
"I have a problem."
She blinked a few times. Then: "Oh! I get it. Look, you don't take mine personally, and I'll ignore yours, deal? We're just two creatures, opposite sex, getting cleaned up while stuck together with hoofcuffs."
"Yup," Capper agreed. "Completely natural, not the real thing. Two mammals, of the opposite gender."
"Would you believe ponies assume I'm gay?"
"You aren't?"
Dash flicked her ears. "I'm not not gay, but my past dates have all been stallions, I guess? I mean, I would date a mare, I just haven't? Oh, none of your business." She waved a hoof in dismissal.
A drop of excitement fell from under her tail and hit the sink with a splat.
"It's been, um, a while," Dash said. "So my body is, y'know. Wondering why it's been so long. A long while."
"Same," Capper said. "No lady cats in Klugetown. Although I would have thought that a professional athlete...?"
"I could, I just don't." Dash blushed and looked at her hooves. "The one time the once, I, uh, it was after a school dance, I was still a dumb kid, and he finished in ten seconds flat, he came half a second after he popped my cherry, and he didn't even get in past the tip of his... yeah... and he got it all over my dock and my... my... my exhaust port and my all over my dress and then a school chaperone caught us and we were both waaaaay underage so we got written up and when my parents found out, well, my parents are weird... so it kinda took me off the topic, right?"
"'Weird,' you say?"
"Let's say a kid I know found a swatch of the cum-stained dress in a scrapbook. Along with the highly detailed note from the principal."
"Sometime I'll tell you about my one and only date with the lady fishes in Klugetown."
Dash chuckled. "Caviar?"
Capper grimaced.
"Okay, put me on the ground, and we'll agree to ignore each other's... um, awesomeness?"
He put his left arm under her chest and steadied her right stifle with his other hand, and lifted her out of the sink to the crystal floor.
Dash's eyes widened and her ears snapped straight up as she saw Capper's boner.
"I thought we was ignoring each other?" Capper asked.
"First, I see your nose twitching, Capper, you're enjoying my smell."
Capper straightened his whiskers with his free hand.
"Second, I'm sorry, but I've never seen an Abyssinian erection before. You guys aren't even in our high school health class, like griffons or donkeys are. You're, uh, well..."
"Well?"
"Huge." Dash smacked a forehoof to her mouth, as if to stop the word, but it was already out. "Sorry."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
Dash turned her head to look at the stack of towels, but her eyes kept darting back to the long, thick shaft of Capper's dong. He draped a fluffy purple towel over Dash's back, and then Capper began drying himself with another towel.
Dash flopped onto her back, tugging him off balance from the hoofcuffs, so he stumbled and used his left hand to grab the edge of the sink. Dash squirmed and wriggled back and forth on the towel, in a shaft of sunlight that came in the picture window, drying her back, the hoofcuff pulling her right leg sideways and forcing her thighs wide open. Capper looked between her thighs, at the secrets hidden within the blue pubic fluff.
"Dry my belly?" Dash said, with a sudden grin. "I can't reach."
He swallowed and used his free hand to rub her belly with another fresh towel. She squirmed for a moment and then relaxed, forelegs, thighs, head, and wings flat to the floor, her body as limp as...
...as a cat napping in the sun, Capper realized.
"Dash? Can I say something that I assure you is a compliment, although I don't know pony etiquette well enough to know if it'll come off as one?"
She cracked one eye open and nodded slightly.
"You're like a cat," Capper said.
"Hmmm?"
"Muscular, lean, tense on a moment's notice, relaxed even faster."
"Is... is that why you have such a hardon? I remind you of your own species?"
He nodded.
"You're on a dry spell?"
"Years."
Dash closed her eyes and sighed.
Even through the towel he could feel her pectoral muscles as he dried her chest. Her back, flanks, and rump were all lean power, like a cat, but her chest was as solid as a minoutaur's. She really really was a professional flier, wasn't she? Some huge fraction of her body weight was just in that one muscle group. He finished drying her chest and belly, the coat now frizzy and very fluffy.
"Get my nethers," she said.
"I ain't—"
She lifted up her head and raised her eyebrows. "You know you want to."
Capper hissed. "Dash, is you coming on to me?"
"Look, we're both turned on. We can sit and be bored waiting for Twilight to get back, awkwardly ignoring each other and making small talk. But you've got a boner, I've got a mareboner. If we just, you know, rub one out, we'll both get back to normal."
"But—"
"Look," Dash said, wriggling on her back, wagging her tail, and clenching her muscles so that her vagina throbbed at Capper. "We both need to reset to get back to normal."
"Rub—?"
"Rub off. Solo tango. Masturbate. Usually I masturbate in private, but we can't—" she rattled the hoofcuff chain "—so we have to masturbate in front of each other."
"Well, I do feel like some relief... my balls hurt. It's your smell. You smell... nice."
"Balls...?" Dash angled her head. "Lift your cock up."
He grabbed his tip with his left hand and lifted himself vertical.
Dash's eyes widened and her pussy clenched, visibly growing wetter. "Those things are huge. They're the size of grapefruits."
Capper smiled and dropped his cock. It returned to its previous position, throbbing just below the horizontal.
"How much do you cum? A pint and a half?"
Capper shrugged.
"Anyway. I don't have my dildo, which is how I masturbate, okay? I get off from penetration. My dildo's at my house. So you would just, y'know, be doing me a favor, right? By penetrating me."
"A favor," Capper repeated.
"And you get something in return, right?"
"I would?"
"You get your cock wet, and you get a load out. That's like masturbation, but twenty percent wetter, right? Would you rather jerk off in a litterbox, or inside me?"
Capper tapped his chin. "Well, if we're just masturbating collectively, and not making love, it should be okay. I only make love to other Abyssinians."
"And I only sleep with ponies. I mean, I guess, if I ever got laid, I would."
"We have a deal. Bedroom?"
"Yeah, pick me up and carry me, that's just easier." She tucked her wings tight. "Be careful of the wings."
Capper scooped her up, Dash's belly toward the ceiling. His right hand grabbed her thigh and his left supported her spine. He sidestepped toward the door.
"Don't think I'm some kinda of... of submissive," Dash said. "I'm just letting you carry me because of the hoofcuffs."
"Perish the thought, my little p—Dash. I expect you're always the one in charge."
She stretched luxuriantly in his arms, back arched and forehooves thrown wide. "The other time I did this, he finished in ten seconds flat. Don't do that."
Capper raised an eyebrow. "I'm literally going to be your second?"
"Yeah." Dash blushed and looked away.
"Well, I hope to be memorable. Besides," he said, and shifted his right hand on her thigh, until his thumb poked past her tail and brushed against the throbbing red knob of her clit, making her whole body spasm, "I have hands."
He pulled his thumb back and saw it was already slicked with her juices. This mare was horny and raring to go. He licked his thumb and his eyes widened at the sweetness of her taste. "Nice."
She moaned. "I want to do that, too."
He lowered her to the bed and ran the forefinger of his free hand across her clit, over her opening, and then deep into her channel. His tail flicked and his ears trembled when he felt her heat. She gasped and spasmed, wriggling on the bed, and when he withdrew his finger from her, its fur was soaked and dark with her juices.
Dash opened her mouth and extended her tongue, eyes pleading to him. He offered her his finger and she sucked it into her mouth, her lips and tongue massaging it, teeth tickling the pad on its bottom as she sucked her juices off.
She broke contact with a pop. "Wow, I taste good. Can... can I tell you a dirty secret?"
"Of course, it's just us."
Her face flushed red and she looked away from him, toward the big picture window. "When I get off, by myself? I lick the dildo clean, after I'm done."
Capper's finger slipped into her again. Her back arched and her wings went limp. He pulled his finger back out and sucked on it himself. "I can see why. This is a truly gourmet experience."
The wriggling of her spine against the bed redoubled, as did the smell of her excitement.
With a flick of his ears, Capper considered his options before joining her on the bed. First, he could tease her, make her beg for him to mount her. Massage and rub, lick and tease. Second, he could—
He never quite figured out exactly what happened. Capper noticed her start to roll, only for Rainbow to become a blur of movement as her wings and legs flashed, twisting both of them around until Capper was laying on his back and Rainbow was crouched over his abdomen. She straddled him backwards, tail over his chest, forehooves at his knees, and her rump poised about two inches above his rock-hard erection.
She flared her wings wide and looked at him over her left shoulder, her face pale and ears tucked low. "I'm... I'm a little nervous," Dash said. "I don't usually admit when I'm having, y'know, feelings."
The bright midday sunlight streamed in, backlighting the glistening slickness of her bright pink pussylips and warming his tail and balls. Capper stared at her and licked his lips, swallowing down the last of her taste. His chest rumbled with a purr. A drop of wetness fell from between her folds and landed right on his throbbing tip.
"Well, Dash, that preview certainly makes me think you're ready, too."
"I, well, you know, see, Capper..." Dash's face flushed red. "I've only done this once, okay? And that was years ago. Let me take this slow and easy, all right?"
He reached his left hand up and grabbed her left buttcheek, squeezing and massaging.
She closed her eyes and sighed, her rump slipping down about an inch, her pussy lips brushing against the tip of his cock.
"That feels good," Dash whispered.
His right hand massaged her right buttcheek, too. Her hips trembled and she lowered herself a little more, then leaned her weight forward, more onto her forelegs.
She pushed down, and Capper's tapered tip slid between her folds, just to the tight entrance of her marehood. Her wetness slicked him and he took a deep breath, enjoying the sensation.
"Yeah, hold still," she said. "Keep massaging my butt, though. That feels really... hey, Capper?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Can you, uh, could you..."
"What?"
Her wings shuffled slightly. "Massage my cutie marks?"
"You said not to touch a pony's marks."
"Because they're, ya know, sexy zones."
"Erogenous."
"Bless you. I want you to touch my sexy zones now."
"You yelled 'stop!' earlier."
"I'm saying 'please' now."
His hands moved to the middles of her thighs and he rubbed his fingertips into the cloud shapes. The marks felt no different than the rest of her coat, just soft and fluffy.
With a squeak in her throat, she shivered, and then lowered herself another inch.
"Oof," Dash said, her wings shuffling. "This thing is almost factory fresh, it's almost like being a virgin still."
"You said you have a dildo at home," Capper replied.
"Yeah, but it's tiny." She lowered herself another half-inch and made a choking sound. "Which you are not."
"I have my good points."
Dash lifted herself again. Capper closed his eyes and moaned softly, the moistness of her tight channel sliding across the sensitivity of his tip. She was warm, hot even, the heat penetrating him. A huge bead of her clear juices slid down the left side of his bright-pink shaft and soaked into the fuzz at his base.
Gracious, that felt good. Granted, he hadn't been with a lady cat in so long it was almost hard to compare those old memories to this—but she was slick, her heat flowing into him.
She lowered herself again, her wings spreading as she fought to get more depth. "Capper, you're bigger than a stallion."
"I've seen some big stallions in Equestria."
"Unf." Her rump wiggled left and right, tail flagged vertical, asshole trembling as she fought downward to cram his enormous thickness into what, as near as he could tell, was indeed a tight-as-new snatch. More of her excitement dribbled down his shaft and he massaged her cutie marks more firmly. She trembled, tail thrashing, and her spine arched as a shudder ran from her clenching, winking asshole up her body to her head. The smell of her pussy filled the room, so strong it burned his nose and left his balls clenched tight to his belly, throbbing and sore.
Her ears went stiff, standing out horizontally from her head, and she gasped out a whimper. A rush of her juices poured down him, soaking his balls and the coat around his cock.
"Hnnnrggg," Dash said.
The drops rolling down his cock almost burned, and Capper's balls clenched and relaxed in anticipation.
Dash's wings tucked tight to her flanks and she lifted herself again, the slick friction of her insides sending a shock down Capper's shaft and into his belly.
"Hey, Dash?"
"Ung?" Her wings shook and she started lowering herself again.
"May I lend a small amount of my experience and expertise?"
"Sure. What?"
'Sure' counted as consent, right? Capper thought, wondering if this would work as well as he hoped, or if he would be getting a buck to the head from an infuriated pony momentarily.
Capper shot his hips up about four inches, plowing into Dash and splitting her channel wide. She screamed and beat the air with her wings, instinctively trying to lift off the impaling spike below her, but Capper held onto her hips with his hands, yanking her down. He arched his back and kicked with his rear legs, twisting his spine with all his feline agility, and landed on top of Dash, mashing her belly to the bed and his chest to her back. Her hips splayed wide as his weight smashed her pubis down, too, flat into the bed.
His right hand still gripped her right flank—those damn hoofcuffs—but his left hand grabbed on her left foreleg just above the fetlock and pressed it into the bed, too.
Muscular though she might be, he outweighed her by an insane ratio, perhaps five or six to one, and she was completely immobilized underneath him, at his mercy.
"Hey what—" Dash gasped, wings flapping again and tail beating against Capper's ribs.
He grinned, exposing his fangs, and bit down the scruff of her neck, gripping the rainbow mane, and crammed his cock fully into her, his hips slamming into her muscular buttcheeks, his enormous balls colliding with her huge throbbing clitoris, hilting himself and the tip of cock ramming firmly into her cervix.
"Owww!" she shouted, squirming under him, wings beating the bedspread. She stilled, panting for four or five seconds. Then: "Actually, yeah. That's kinda nice."
He grinned around his mouthful of mane and pulled his hips back. He felt the wonderful wetness and heat of her nearly-virginal snatch around him, gripping tight as his thickness stretched her out. The spines covering the bottom half of his cock gripped the bottom of her pussy as he pulled back out. Dash wheezed and made a gasping cry as the barbs raked the fresh lining of her marehood.
Once he pulled halfway out, the spines disengaged, since they only covered the bottom half of his length. She sucked in a breath and her taut body relaxed. He kept retracting until his tip was just brushing her sopping inner lips.
Capper bit harder on her neck, gripped her left foreleg more firmly, and pushed in a fraction of an inch.
He paused, in a silent question.
She panted for a few seconds and sniffled once. "Yeah," Dash said. "Do it. Do me."
He slammed himself forward again, hilting even more brutally than the first time, and this time her scream was of pleasure, not shock.
Muscle spasms ripped across her body, nearly bucking him off. Her channel clamped hard, holding his cock in, trying to pull it even deeper. Wetness soaked into his balls and his thighs. Dash's body shook, vibrating the bed and him. The hot sunlight poured through the window, warming his back and his tail and his balls. The only sound in the bedroom was Dash's gasping pants.
The smell of her sweat—a sour combination of her exertion, excitement, and pain—filled his sensitive nose, even overwhelming the smell of her excitement.
Still gripping her neck, he twisted his head left then right, rubbing his cheek's scent glands on her mane, marking her as his territory.
He pushed his hips forward and her hot wetness rubbed his sensitivity again. Oh yes, he was going to mark her with more than one of his glands...
"Pump," Dash commanded. "I'm a storm, help me break."
Unconsciously, Capper's claws slid out of their sheaths, prickling the skin where he grabbed her foreleg and her thigh. Her pussy spasmed and her ears went straight up, as erect as his cock. She jerked her head forward an inch against the grip of his bite.
"Oh, that's... that hurts," Dash said.
Capper closed his eyes, concentrated, and forced his claws to retract. The claws on his toes, however, extended in reply and the expensive bedspread made soft popping noises as he punctured it.
"I didn't say stop," Dash growled.
With a smile, Capper let his claws slide back out, pricking her skin again.
She moaned, deep in the back of her throat, and her body relaxed underneath him, the tension in her spine falling away. His weight pushed her deeper into the mattress.
Dash's channel clenched around him again, her wings tensing in time with the muscle spasms gripping his shaft. He slowly retracted himself. She wheezed as the spines raked her velvet walls again. Sweat broke out across her back, wetting his chest.
"A little more claws and fangs," Dash whispered.
Ramming himself forward, ramming as hard as he could, he allowed his claws to extend fully. They pricked her skin and now, besides her pussy juice and her sweat, his sensitive nose detected blood. Gonna have to apologize later...
She howled, another gush of wetness soaking his dick and his balls while her pussy clenched, clenched, clenched, her entire body shaking. She panted and mumbled curses, wings beating the bed.
Capper pulled out fast, spines raking her pussy and her inner lips, and then slowly reinserted himself. He took ten or twenty seconds, sliding in as her channel spasmed in the throes of the orgasm, clenching so hard he had to grunt and force himself forward, ass muscles taut, against her contractions. Dash's entire body stiffened, her hard muscles tensing underneath him. Her warmth flowed up from below, the hot sun came down from behind him, her hot juices slicking his dick, and he purred in contentment, rubbing his cheeks all the harder against her mane.
Her free forehoof pounded on the bedspread and her wings flared straight up, brushing his flanks.
Once he was hilted, he pushed forward a little harder, his hips pressing against the hard muscles of her butt, her clit pulsing against his right ball. His grip on the scruff of her neck turned onto a true bite and he felt his fangs break her skin. His cock bent slightly, inside her, as his tip plowed against the bottom of her womb.
Wings flapping against the bed, she bit down on the sheets and moaned. A salty drop of her blood touched Capper's tongue. Dash's body bucked, bucked, bucked, almost throwing Capper off her back as orgasm after orgasm racked her. How could she be so strong? He outweighed her at least five to one!
Capper yanked back, as fast as he could. Dash bucked even harder and a hot spray of pussy juice soaked him as his spines raked her raw insides again.
He moved his left hand from her left foreleg to her chest so she couldn't buck him clear.
Dash's back arched underneath him. She squirmed her rump, wet pussylips brushing his tip. Capper grabbed tight onto her chest, claws pricking through the skin there, too, gripping like a cat climbing a tree, and drove himself back in with all his strength.
She screamed in delight and flapped her wings again, and this time, with his hand on her chest, he felt just how powerful her pectoral muscles were. They tensed as she beat her wings against the bed, muscles as hard as the crystal the castle around them was built from. Forget comparing this pony to other cats; from now on, Capper would compare a cat's lithe muscles to this pony!
Capper's claws sank into her chest, just a little deeper, and the shear power of those muscles throbbed up his claws, into his fingers, and seemed to light something in his brain. Her pussy felt even tighter and wetter than before. He couldn't tell if her orgasms were actually deepening, or if feeling her muscular chest was just making him all the more turned on.
His balls throbbed, downright hurting, as they prepared their gift for Dash. Her huge clit pulsed against his ballsack.
"Hey, Capper?" Dash said, her voice breathy from panting.
"Hmmmmmm?" he said around the mouthful of mane.
She whispered, almost too quiet to hear in her nervousness, "Hurt me. J—just a little."
He bit harder, twisting on her neck, pushing down, forcing her chin and throat into the mattress, shifting his weight forward to smash her forequarters and head down. The taste of her blood flowing around his fangs doubled as his bite drove deeper.
"More," Dash commanded.
His claws extended to their limits and he scratched along her chest, the razor-sharp tips slicing along her skin and through her coat as he slammed his cock in fully and started making short, sharp thrusts that left the spines around his base engaged with her, every movement raking her velvet walls, giving her no relief as he had with his earlier, longer strokes, a continuous, brutal assault on her nearly-virginal marehood.
"Yessss!" Dash cried, her entire body shaking, wings spread wide and trembling, her pussy clenching so tight around his shaft he needed to use all the power in his hips and legs to piston himself in and out. Her pussy gushed so much that every thrust of his hips brought squelching sounds from the sopping-wet bedspread.
She dissolved into panting and quivering as the next series of orgasm gripped her. Capper's balls clenched tight to his belly and the almost-time sensation tingled in the tip of his cock.
Shifting the grip on her neck, he bit again and felt the pops as his fangs put new needle-like wounds in her scruff. His tongue probed, sampling the sharp taste of her blood.
Capper's thrusts turned shorter and faster as he rutted desperately, hilted as deep as he could, the tip of his rock-hard shaft ramming the base of her womb with every stroke and his spines raking her insides like rough sandpaper.
Dash moaned again, the pain from the teeth, claws, barbed dick, and piledriving against her cervix combining into a wonderful agony. She gave a last huge squirt and full-body shudder as Capper slammed himself forward one last time, twisting the skin on her neck and squeezing her chest to bury himself even deeper than before. Dash's scream of pleasure turned into a shout of actual pain as his claws, fangs, and cock hit their deepest penetration yet. Her pain made him finally release, spraying his load deep inside her, balls gripped in their own wonderful agony, his tip mashed firmly against the base of her womb, balls spasming as his muscles fought to force his load out, and his own tail flagging as he pumped shot after shot after shot into her.
He stroked fully out-and-in twice more, raking her now-hypersensitive pussy with his spines. She gasped and sobbed. Squelching noises filled the room as he spread his seed around inside her.
He unwrapped his left arm from around her and released her neck.
"Ow," Dash said. "I mean, that was good, but ow. That really hurt at the end, even though it felt great."
He stretched his neck forward, letting his whiskers tickle her left ear as he kissed her right ear. "That was good. I like tight little pony snatch."
"Not so tight anymore," Dash mumbled. "Your first pony?"
He pushed up to vertical, kneeling between her rear legs. His erection was subsiding, but unlike ponies, cats had a penile bone which kept his cock horizontal even as it retreated into his sheath.
Dash looked over her withers, staring into Capper's eyes and smiling. She then looked down at his cock. Her clear juices soaked the fur of his belly, thighs, and ass, and especially his ballsack. The pink skin of his cock glistened with a mixture of her clear, thin juices and his thick, white seed.
Her eyes widened. "Wow, big load."
Capper grinned at her pussy, which dripped a long stream of his gift, puddling on the bedspread. He flexed his hand, ensuring the claws were retracted, and ran a finger from her pubic mound, over her clit, and up between her labia. He collected a huge wad of his cum on his finger and held it up for Dash to see.
With a smile, she shifted around on the bed and stretched her neck, licking his finger and pulling it into her mouth. Her eyes closed and her ears pointed straight up, a purr rising in her chest. She sucked gently, her soft tongue massaging the pads on the underside.
"Good," she said, releasing his finger and grinning up at him. Her tail, which had been flipped to her right and splayed across the bed the whole time they fucked, slowly wrapped around Capper's tip. It tightened and his eyes widened. Dash's grin grew wider as she pushed her tail back, wiping their mixed juices off his cock with her rainbow hairs.
She unfurled her tail, flagging it vertical, revealing a tangled, sticky mess. "Oh darn," Dash said with a chuckle, "now I have to take a shower and get that mess out of my tail. Whatever will a water-hating cat do?"
"I suppose I can take one for the team, just this once."
She stood on the bed, legs shaky. Capper gasped and bit his lips. Besides the puddle of pussy juice and cum on the bedspread, there was a bloody spot where his claws had raked her chest. It wasn't huge, but—
"Dash? I'm sorry. I got carried away." He looked at her right thigh, where his other hand had opened her cutie mark, too, with four long gashes. Small pools of blood stood out against the cooler colors in her mane where his fangs had punctured the scruff of her neck. "Oh, you're gonna need some band-aids."
Dash flicked her ears and frowned. "Technically, I asked for it, and pegasi heal fast. It's because of all the crashing we do as foals. Carry me to the shower so I don't have to hop on three legs."
As Capper reached to pick her up, the door slammed open and Spike entered, carrying a silver tray of food.
Capper and Dash stared at Spike. Spike's eyes went to Dash's creamy pussy, then he shrugged and carried the tray to a round table in the corner of the room. "Twilight said you two would need something to eat. It smells like you burned some calories."
Dash's face exploded in a red blush and Capper's erection finished its retreat.
"So, uh, like, Spike," Dash spluttered. "You may be wondering—"
"Nah, I bring trays of food and wash the bedclothes every time Sunset and Flash visit Twilight through the mirror. I get ya."
Spike turned and started to leave the room.
"Hey," Capper said, "ain't you a fire-breathing dragon? Can you melt these handcuffs off?"
Spike waddled over to the bed, studiously ignoring Dash's dripping pussy and Capper's soaked ballsack. Holding his nose with one hand, he grabbed the handcuff chain between two fingers of the other hand.
"Nah, police-grade enchanted steel. I could melt it, but you two would need skin grafts after. Sorry." He exited and slammed the door. The spell re-locked.
Dash looked at Capper, her face still bright red. "It's not like I ever wear pants or a skirt," Dash said, "but I wish Spike hadn't seen me dripping spooge."
Capper shrugged.
"Shower," Dash ordered.
He picked her up and carried her into the bathroom, grabbed a handful of the clean washrags, and then put her back on her hooves in the middle of the shower stall. He kneeled down, rather than try to stand with a list to keep his right arm from lifting up her rear leg.
Dash turned the shower on. Hot water sprayed over them from ten silver-plated showerheads, soaking them and turning the stall instantly steamy.
She spread her wings, lifted her tail, and lowered her head to let a stream of water play across the bloody fang marks on the back of her neck.
"Dash? I'm sorry about the bites and the scratches. And the... the... dong barbs."
"It's cool, Capper, really. I'll be sore tomorrow, but it was worth it."
He patted her right cutie mark, then grabbed a clean wash rag, damped it in a stream from one of the shower heads, and patted at her coat, gently wiping away the blood. She turned around, struggling not to trip over him or the hoofcuff chain, and presented her chest to him. He wiped that blood away, too. The furrowed wounds were already clotted, the bleeding stopped.
She stretched her neck up and gave him a kiss. He kissed back, nibbling her lips and closing his eyes against the spray of the shower.
Dash pulled back and another blush formed. "I'm going to need you to clean my... uh... labia again," she said. "At least this time, it's, uh, well, it's a good dirty, huh?"
Shaking his head, he wet and soaped another washrag. "Sex is a better mess than marinara," he agreed.
Turning her rump to him, she spread her rear legs wide and flipped her tail up over her back.
He stared at her. Even when they'd been fucking, he hadn't taken a good look at her. The fluffy blue fur on her outer lips was matted with sticky cum and pussyjuice and sweat. His seed dribbled out of her, a white glaze coating her red clitoris and pink inner lips. Even her tiny, tight asshole glistened with the juices they'd smeared around in their desperate rutting.
He wiped and scrubbed her pubis and outer lips, getting the mess out of her fur, and wiped up between the inner lips and over her asshole, getting everything clean.
"Rinse," she said.
Capper stood—she was forced to balance on three legs as the handcuffs dragged her right-rear leg upward—and grabbed a shower head that was on a long, flexible hose.
He used it to gently spray Dash's backside, the soap and residual cum washing away and down the drain in a sudsy swirl of white.
"Better, Dash?"
"Yeah. Hey, uh, Capper, now I have to do this thing..."
"Pardon?"
"To make sure the bacteria, ya know? Don't stick around. It's a thing mares have to do after sex."
"What is you saying, little p—Dash?"
"I guess we should hop back over to the water closet so I can pee. I'm sorry to put you through that again, it grossed you out the first time. But if I don't pee after sex—back to Nurse Redheart tomorrow with a UTI, and she'll say something passive-agressive about the claw marks and bites."
Capper opened his mouth but then paused, thinking. After a moment, "Just pee in the shower."
"What?" Dash looked over her withers at him, ears perking up in surprise. She was still on three legs, him still standing and hiking up her fourth.
"After what we just did?" Capper said. "I think we're over any residual... modesty... about each other's bodies and fluids, don't you?"
Dash chuckled. "If you're seriously okay...?"
Capper took a further step to the side so that she wouldn't pee on his paws. He hung the showhead back on its mount. He turned his head away and closed his eyes. "Go ahead."
Dash chuckled again. "After cleaning your own cum out from under my tail, you're going to close your eyes? You're an odd cat, Capper."
He looked at her, staring into her eyes with a half smile. She smiled back.
"I think we've made an interesting connection today, Dash."
"I'm sure Twilight will get everything sorted out so that we don't end up in jail. I wouldn't mind, ahem, spending some more time with you in the non-jaily future."
The muscles across her torso flexed, and Capper's eyes shifted involuntarily to her labia. Her nethers clenched as she struggled to release, and once again the sheer muscularity of this pony took his breath away. "Take your time."
"Oof," Dash said, "I always have trouble... starting... after a session with my dildo. This is even worse. Bring my back leg a little lower," Dash ordered. Capper did so. Dash scooted her opposite leg out until she was in a deep squat, her pubis only inches above the shower drain.
With a sigh of relief, she let go and her stream began.
Twilight teleported in with a snap, waving sheets of paper above her head. "I got everything sorted out, Luna agreed to rescind the law that you two—"
Dash and Capper stared at Twilight, faces horrified. Dash's powerful stream splashed against the crystal tile of the shower stall, loud above even the noise of the showerheads.
Dash's jaw dropped open.
Twilight stared at Dash's rump, then at Capper's sheath and balls, then back at Dash as her stream slowed and trickled to an end.
A last wad of cum fell out of Dash and plopped into the shower drain, mixing with the bright urine as it washed down.
The papers fell at Twilight's hooves.
"I'll check back on you two later," Twilight said, and teleported back out.
Author's Note
Hope you enjoyed. This is a spiritual sucessor to "I Thought That's Just Called 'a Massage,'" in that this is basically "Dongbarb Chronicles II."
Comments always welcome!
