Twilight explores IFunny

by Calex Winteridge

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1798

Twilight browses the IFunny app while Anon goes and uses the bathroom.

Twilight browses the IFunny app on Anon's phone while he goes and uses the bathroom. Needless to say she gets more than she bargained for.

Edited by Director Waffles

Published 2020-10-26 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-26 04:20:01 UTC

Part of the ship, part of the crew. Part 1

It was a rather pleasant and temperate quiet day in Equestria. The sun was shining, the wind was cool and fresh. The clouds were far away from the nation's capital Canterlot. Twilight Sparkle, the monarch of Equestria, sat on her throne as she gently skimmed over a scroll, one amongst many. Much to her pleasure, the throne room was empty for the time being except for her. Even better, nopony had come in and bothered her since this morning. It was almost midday and so far, things were going smoothly. The air was as calm as could be, the light from outside cast beautiful colors onto the throne floor. Her tea that lifted up to her lips with a magical glow, was still warm even. The parchment she was reading was a zoning permission document that involved a small business moving into a residential area in Ponyville. Typical endorsement papers, making sure that the area it would be taking over wasn’t private property or owned by the state. She was roughly half way through the paper, when suddenly a door to her right was cast open and in walked a bipedal creature. She jumped in her seat as she spun her head to the intrusion, nearly dropping her tea in the process out of surprise.

It was Anon, of course it was Anon, was there ever any doubt that it wasn’t him? He strolled into the throne room and closed the door behind him. As Twilight watched him intrude on her quiet evening she noticed that he was holding a device in his hand, while his other one was placed into his back pocket. She recognized this device, it was his cell phone, a small computer machine that allows him to make phone calls and browse the internet with. He had only been in Equestria for a couple weeks and she never really had the chance to ask him how it worked but, given the amount of conversation the two of them had already shared, she figured asking him wouldn’t be that much help to her, as she assumed he didn’t even know how it worked, he just used it.

Was Twilight calling him dumb? No… At least not as an official position of the state.

“Good afternoon, Anon. Glad to see you up and about before three o’ clock,” she said with a particularly irate tone of voice, as he had just barged in here without even announcing his presence first. Anon would glance up from his phone at the sound of her voice and would look around himself, giving off the impression that he didn’t know where he was at the moment. He would then turn to Twilight and would use his unoccupied hand to give her an awkward wave.

“Hey Twilight, how's it hangin?” Anon greeted her. He then appeared to be confused as he looked around the throne room in search of something, “Uh pro-gamer hint real quick Twilight uh, where's little Timmy's room?” He asked as he turned to her more formally now, his question hanging in the air in front of Twilight as she tried to decipher what he had just asked.

During Anon's stay here in Equestria Twilight and her staff noticed that he didn’t speak like the rest of them. They could understand each other as he shared their language, which was useful for obvious reasons. It allowed both parties to understand each other and communicate in a mutually beneficial way—but it was the way Anon spoke that threw them all for a loop. He spoke in such backwards quasi-poetic ways that, out of context, didn’t make sense, and only after he had explained what he wanted to have said did they understand him. It had gotten to a point that even Twilight's most skilled linguists that were tasked with understanding his ways, couldn’t make sense of what he was talking about if they were to have a normal conversation for an extended period of time. He would just start going on about these things called memes and online references, while sprouting one liners and cultural references that they didn’t have context for.

Was Twilight calling him dumb? Maybe?

“Uh… Do you mean the bathroom Anon?” She asked as she attempted to guess what he was talking about. Anon nodded his head and gestured behind himself.

“Yeah, I’ve been walking around this palace for the past half hour looking for one and every time I think I’ve found one, it’s just a fucking broom cloest or another liberary. Honestly I’m not sure how you ponies get anything done,” he said in bewilderment. Twilight would groan under her breath as she tried to ignore his ill-mannered language. She then pointed with her hoof to the left of her, where a door on the other wall of the throne room conveniently sat. This one was clearly marked in Equis as a bathroom, but of course, Anon couldn’t (presumably) read it.

“That is a bathroom right there, you can use it if you need to but for future reference, try not to barge into the throne room like you did, you nearly gave me a heart attack.” Twilight would return to her scroll, while still keeping an eye on Anon.

He would look to the door she had pointed out to him and nod.

“Oh! Thanks, chief—and uh yeah, my bad on that, I didn’t know where I was. I was lost in the sauce,” he said as he turned to head towards the restroom, leaving a mildly confused Twilight behind him. She went back to reading her scroll, till Anon stopped for a second and spoke out to her yet again.

“Oh, actually hey Twilight, could you, uh, hold onto this for a moment?” He asked. She looked back again from her scroll with even more mild annoyance to see him approaching her, with his cell phone extended out in front of him. She raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you need me to hold onto your… phone, for you? Can’t it fit into your pockets?” She asked as he came to a stop before her.

“Yeah it could fit in my pockets but, no nut november is coming up and I don’t want to be tempted by the cringy softcore porn that gets featured on IFunny while I’m dropping a deuce,” He explained to her with more of his strange human linguistic communication. Twilight would squint her eyes at the device, before looking at him in utter confusion.

“W-What? You do know I have no idea what any of that means right? Features? No Nut November? I mean, the only thing I got out of that was softco-” Twilight was cut off as he placed his phone on the ground before her hooves.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that,” he said quickly. “Look just… I need to do this. I’ll only be gone a moment, and when I get back, I’ll bounce outta here, okay?” He backed off the throne before turning to head to the bathroom. Twilight would let out yet another exasperated sigh as he left her. As he pushed open the door to the bathroom, Twilight could hear him mumble something underneath his breath, something about… porn addiction and the collapse of the West. Whatever that meant.

She would sigh as he left the room, the door of the bathroom shutting behind him. It would seem as if every time they met, she understood him less and less. She didn’t like this, in fact it troubled her greatly. She didn’t exactly know the full extent of what Anon was capable of or who he was in his world but she was sure he was definitely an outsider. He radiated the traits of an absolute hermit constantly, even when he was outside of his personal chambers and interacting with other ponies. Everytime he would get locked into conversation, he would leave the pony he was talking with confused or out of touch with reality. This specifically worried her most of all as it was her duty to ensure that everypony in Equestria had friends, or at least somepony they could talk to in some capacity.

It’s not like she hadn’t tried to help him already, because she did, many times, with varying degrees of success but, overall he was dodging her attempts left and right, all while he had his eyes glued to that phone of his. That damn phone. All he does is charge his phone and lay in his bed for the greater part of every day while he, quote, “browses dank memes.”

Twilight was almost a hundred percent sure that this phone was affecting his ability to be a normal functioning member of society. She was sure that if she found a way to separate the two of them, he would be better off. Twilight could imagine him actually having friends that could stomach his presence long enough to actually like him and be down to hang out more than once. This was something she hoped for, but in his current state, this was far from achievable. Every time he meets new ponies he starts quoting… crime statistics while going on and on about the duality of man. Yet, on the other hoof, she knew if she tried to separate the two of them at all, it might do more harm than good.

Just what was it about that phone that forced him to need it all the time?

Evidently her curiosity got the better of her as she placed her scroll and tea onto the arm of her throne chair. She used her magic to pick the small black device up off the ground in front of her and up to her face where it suddenly lit up. The screen of the phone illuminated with what looked like a notification. The notification looked like a smiley face. Manipulating her magic she mimicked the touch of a human's finger and would touch the smiley face. The phone's screen then shifted down as a text box popped up. It read:

IFUNNY 4:26PM now
Good morning fellows, no days off. Let’s get this bread!!

“W-What? I don’t understand… Wait… So It’s not just him that talks like this? His phone speaks crazy talk too? Or, is he just mirroring the phone… or is the phone mirroring him? I need answers! I must discover what this IFunny is… so I can better understand Anon. I will help him if it’s the last thing I do!” She triumphantly said as she bypassed the home screen of the phone as it went dark for a second.

Then… A giant yellow smiley face appeared on screen, and like that, Equestria was doomed.