Twilight Is A Bitter Incel

by thatboi

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1570

Twilight thinks about stallions all day, every single day, but does she ever do anything about it?

Twilight is lonely and can't quite figure out what to do to attract a handsome stallion into her life. She sees happy ponies sharing love all around her and experiences a deep, painful confusion within in her heart that leads her down a dark road. Rainbow Dash tries to set her on the right path, but only Celestia knows if she can get through to her...

Published 2020-10-27 02:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-27 02:30:00 UTC

Chapter 1

Something about the look in the mare's eyes sent a wave of emotions through Twilight’s body.

Twilight was at a cafe near her house. Eating lunch there was a daily routine that she had taken up in recent times to calm her racing mind. It was a pleasant enough shop, with its rows of donuts behind glass panes and its quirky chalkboard sign menu. What she hadn’t expected to see was…

“A reminder of your own loneliness. A reminder of what you can’t have.” spat a dark voice inside her head.

She gritted her teeth together and shook her head.

It was a couple on a date and there was no doubt about that. She didn’t recognize the mare or the stallion both seated at the table in front of her. The mare had a soft, pink coat of fur that contrasted with a deep blue mane. The stallion was green with a brown mane and a bushy moustache.

The way her hair glistened in the sunlight and the whiteness of her teeth, which she saw through her happy laughter, sent waves of emotion coursing through Twilight’s body.

The way that their hooves touched when they laughed, the preciseness of the whipped cream that had been sprayed upon their milkshakes, the…

Twilight tried to discover a word for what the two ponies were sharing.

“Happiness.” whispered a voice from deep inside of her.

She curled her lips into a tight frown and tried to push out the nagging voice in her head.

What she was observing was nothing more than the natural outcome of a scientific system, she reassured herself. It was possible to achieve what was in front of her with a system of carefully structured equations deduced from observing the natural world, she lied to herself. Her mind raced and coordinate planes filled with integrals flowed into her mind. She turned her attention away from the happy couple and looked at her own expression in the cup of tea before her.

Her fedora’s feather was at risk of falling off and she corrected it with a quick burst of magic.

Another stabbing peal of laughter rang out from the couple and Twilight’s lip began to tremble. Her eyes narrowed into a tight glare.

The couple wasn’t even particularly loud. If she could simply divert her attention from them, Twilight knew that the sound they made would simply fade away from her.

At once, she shoved the cup off the table.

It smashed on the ground in a shower of porcelain and un-drunk tea. She stormed off from the cafe and retreated back to her library.

“So what did you bring me here for, Twi?” asked a half-interested Rainbow Dash.

She sat at an oak table in Twilight’s library, the only pony in the room besides Twilight.

Twilight stood in front of a blackboard covered in diagrams and equations. A piece of worn-down chalk sat on its edge as a testament to her tireless toil. Sunlight streamed in through glass windows to illuminate the two in the light of the afternoon. Books were scattered everywhere and bore streaks of highlight marker and ink-stains on their pages from where they had been carelessly used for Twilight’s research.

“I’ve figured it out!” squealed Twilight.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “What, how to lose weight?”

Twilight looked down at her own sagging gut. As she looked down, she felt a familiar sense of shame at how the folds of her neck squished together into a double chin.

“No. I’m going to-” started Twilight.

“Twi, is this about getting a boyfriend?” said Dash in a frustrated voice. The pegasus sighed and put her hindlegs on the table as she rocked her chair off its front two legs and leaned back. She popped a strawberry in her mouth from several bowls of fruit that had been laid out on the table. Clearly, not everypony that Twilight had invited had actually arrived.

“Well, yes, precisely!” exclaimed Twilight.

“Go ahead, I’m curious.” said Dash as she rolled her eyes again.

Twilight took in a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to start explaining!”

Twilight levitated the chalk to her side and circled a diagram on the massive blackboard. “Here’s the first part of my theorem. To attract a desirable stallion, you have to keep your appealability metrics within a ten-percent margin. If you allow the stallion to perceive your own weaknesses, then that’s an automatic 5-percent deduction that could potentially lead to a seduction rejection!”

Dash frowned. “Go on.”

“And then there’s the approach phase. It’s necessary to demonstrate your dominance and social skills by engaging in an activity I’ve termed...negging!” explained Twilight.

Dash groaned and shut her eyes. “Twi, what the...heck...is negging?”

Twilight smiled as she began to explain her ideology. “Negging is a simple social action that asserts dominance. First, when a mare approaches a stallion, she should use a light and simple opener. Then, she needs to work in an insult while establishing her physical presence.” Twilight flicked between different diagrams and crude drawings as she talked.

“What?” sputtered Dash. “You think you’re gonna get a stallion reared up to sleep with you by being a jerk to him?”

“It’s not called being a jerk, it’s called asserting yourself over a male-groid.” calmly stated Twilight.

“Oh Celestia, I’m about to fly off right now. What. Is. A. Malegroid?” spat Rainbow Dash.

“Well, the male-groid is just a catch-all term for stallions. In my system, the dominant Stacy mares take all the male-groids, leaving the majority of mares alone!” expounded Twilight.

“Twilight.” calmly said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight ignored her friend and continued. “And then there’s the next component of my system. If a stallion you’re talking to in a seduction-context hasn’t laughed at approximately the 10-second mark after contact, then you need to make immediate contact via a hoof-touch to his shoulder.”

“Twiiiiiiii-light.” hissed Rainbow Dash through clenched teeth.

Once again, Twilight neglected to respond to her friend. “Here’s one more vital aspect of my seduction-theorem! For a mare to possibly be appealing to a stallion, she must have these physical aspects.” Twilight took a moment to draw a series of equations on the blackboard as Rainbow Dash walked up to her. “If these aspects aren’t present at birth, then the mare is forever doomed to the forever alone state-”

“TWILIGHT!” roared Dash.

Twilight reeled backwards and crashed through her blackboard. It crashed to the ground and sent a plume of chalk soaring across the floor of her library.

Twilight clambered from the ground. “What’s wrong, Dash?”

“I’m not sure how to put this, so I think I’ll just...show you something.” muttered Rainbow Dash.

“And what’s that?” asked Twilight.

“Just follow me, buddy.” retorted Rainbow Dash.

She walked out of Twilight’s library and Twilight followed her.

“The Equestrian Mall?” gasped Twilight.

Crowds of shoppers flitted between different stores with bags full of merchandise on their sides. Various stores selling everything from sports equipment to designer clothing lined the walls of the vast outdoor mall. Lights had been strung over the street and they began to flicker on as the evening approached. The sound of laughter and happy conversation flowed over the streets and Twilight briefly felt a sensation of warmth that she suppressed.

“Yep.” said Rainbow Dash with a narrowed brow. “I just want you to see something.”

“And what’s that?” asked a nervous Twilight.

All of a sudden, Rainbow Dash walked up to a stallion. Twilight gasped and trotted up quickly to a friend. “Dash, your seduction metrics are-?”

“Hey man, what’s your name?” asked Dash.

The stallion’s jaw opened and then shut. “I’m Healing Hoof.”

“Nice. Wanna go on a date sometime, Healing Hoof?”

Healing Hoof let out a loud chuckle. “I’ve got a marefriend actually.”

He quickly trotted off, leaving Rainbow Dash alone where she sat on her flanks.

Tears welled in Twilight’s eyes. She felt a familiar sensation of sweat breaking out over her body and she began to pant. “Rainbow Dash, your metrics were-I mean, your approach was all wrong, you should have just-”

Rainbow Dash ignored her and began to approach more stallions. She was rejected two times before a stallion begrudgingly agreed to meet her for ice cream the next weekend.

“Wha-” sputtered Twilight.

Rainbow Dash smiled. “Twilight, a little confidence goes a long way. Writing silly equations and sitting inside all day might be a good thing if you’re a scientist, but if you wanna get a boyfriend or even a girlfriend….just talk to people, my guy.”

Twilight’s face flushed with embarrassment. “You can’t just DO that! Your emotions will be exposed at an inappropriate stage and-and-”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Twilight, relationships are a process of trust and emotional bonding, not hiding behind some weird barrier of being the dominant one all the freaking time and always being better than other ponies. It’s okay to put yourself out there and just be vulnerable. Nopony is really judging you that much. We’re all in the same position, after all.”

“You’re wrong!” howled Twilight. “You’re wrong because-because-you NEVER think anything through! You’ll always be alone, Dash!”

“And this is why everypony stopped hanging out with you.” said Dash with a deep, regretful sigh.

Rainbow Dash flew off and left Twilight to her own misery.

“One of these days, I’ll get through to you. Until then…” she thought to herself as she flew off into the distance.