Celestia felt good for the first time in days. Discord had been dealt with, and the Bearers and the Royal Guards would finally contain the last of Discord's little disruptions. The so-called hoomuns had mostly rampaged through Ponyville. Both the young-adult 'waifu-hunters' and the entitled children and their almost, more entitled guardians had terrorized the ponies who had just seen their hub of chaos return to normalcy.
The creatures were rather attractive and cute, like parasprites were attractive and cute, but seemed to possess many of the worst traits of ponies with few of the redeeming ones. One-hundred fifty of them had been corralled with enormous effort, as they were vastly more durable and resistant to magic than regular ponies, when a third group of nineteen had been betrayed by their fellows. That group, on realizing Discord was around, had retreated from Ponyville into the Everfree and remained the last threat to Equestria from Discord. The Equestrian force would not be committed piecemeal and had the Bearers and Pony-sisters in support, as well as a list of tactics that worked on the other hoomuns. The Nineteen would have no chance to create more mayhem.
"Here they come," Robert looked at the makeshift roadblock, it could easily be outflanked to either side, or even from above by an athletic Earth Pony, but it and those behind it were trying to make a statement.
"Will they listen?" Grace asked.
"Not initially, go warn the others," the older man told his wife as she trotted towards the bulk of the group.
"Love you, Bob," Grace called as she disappeared into the woods.
The man turned to the other two, both older and less able to run. "Now we hope cooler heads prevail."
"They don't look happy to me," Derek said and Angie nodded.
"You never saw the show, but Discord made trouble, and they think he made us," Robert said, "Hence, we're trouble." He waved his arms to attract their attention.
"Great," Angie said, "They are kind of cute," she added to lighten the moment.
Celestia's stunning spell hit the caster before he could complete his spell. A flight of pegasi and Princess Luna were already flying over the makeshift barricade as the other two hoomuns looked at each other and fled.
Shining Armor hurled a spear shaft at the male while Rainbow Dash bucked the other, bouncing the hoomun off a tree trunk. The male flipped end over end like a thrown rag doll at the impact then lay still. Luna and the pegasi guards closed on him to make certain he didn't escape.
"These ones are wimps," Rainbow exulted as Twilight cleared the barricade and the force charged, realizing that the Castle of The Pony-Sisters was the creatures' likely target.
"Digging them out of there'll be like gettin' a tick off a hound dog," Applejack said. She was not alone thinking that, hence their haste.
Their arrival moments later at the Castle would have been pandemonium, except Twilight and the Bearers released the Elements of Harmony on the chaos that were the hoomuns' bridging efforts. No one was more shocked than Celestia that only one or two of them fell, one halfway across the rope bridge fell into the river gorge. A flight of pegasi were sent after that one. The others redoubled their efforts to cross or shouted warnings to those who'd already entered the castle's ruins.
Applejack ran up and buckled one, who slammed into the ground, Pinkie Pie had somehow gained the other side of the gorge and blocked the one retreating across the two-rope bridge, shaking one rope while Rarity shook the other. The creature fell into the gorge, another for the pegasi to collect down river. Fluttershy had cornered another who seemed to seriously be considering the plunge into the river when Rarity dragged the hoomun away by her clothes.
Celestia began having second thoughts, the assault was coordinated, but they'd suffered not fewer, but none of the injuries they'd taken dealing with the others. The creatures' strength and durability weren't being employed here, in fact the hoomuns had given up every advantage they'd had over the ponies in this action, withdrawal instead of confrontation, bunching up instead of scattering. If there'd been more of them, Celestia would have considered she had led her ponies into a trap.
A blast by Twilight and two other unicorns wielding the stunning spell causing the clothing of a hoomun to ignite, followed by the cries of medic! brought Celestia's fears to the fore. But her ponies weren't hurt, and the cries were from ponies about the hoomuns, another came from the ponies who tried to smother the clothes lit by the three spells, only to discover it was the hoomun on fire.
Luna's expression was ashen as she approached Celestia. "They're all dead, save for the one Fluttershy captured and the one Shining Armor felled, and the doctors are uncertain about that one." [Grace, Derek and Robert]
"What of the one I stunned by the barricade?" Celestia asked.
"He lives, but no counterspell will awaken him," Luna said as she looked around to verify they were alone, "It was Discord's last stroke against us: a swarm of monsters to train us on, and a brief handful as fragile as Breezies. You didn't know."
"I should have known, at the barricade. It wasn't a panicked fortification, it was a place to stop and talk," Celestia said looked at the dregs in her teacup and cast it aside, "Even defeated, Discord wins. Murder, plain and simple. They offered no threat, they even realized we would be hostile and gave us every opportunity to take things slowly, but Discord trained us too well."
"We have three, the woman, Grace still lives, although she seems traumatized."
"I wonder why?" Celestia said, and sighed, "That was unfair, I'm sorry."
"Nopony blames anypony for being out of sorts," Luna said, "She did provide that they are called humans, rather than hoomuns." Luna sighed. "I pummeled that human as did the guards, his only action was to protect his head," she said and bowed her head, "And cry out 'I surrender', little good it did him, it simply extended his dying if his internal injuries cannot be repaired." She accepted Celestia's hug and returned it as she dealt with her own guilt. "So you are not the only pony trained by Discord, I and every guard expected to suffer from some horrible deception, as we had so often with the others."
"If you want a further irony," Luna said as she stepped away.
"As if I could stand another," Celesta admitted but nodded to urge her on.
"The 'waifu-hunters' were seeking relationships with their favored mares, or 'waifus'," Luna said.
Celestia facehoofed. "They could have sat still and asked to meet the mare and are so adorable, or seemed adorable, that the mare would have eagerly cuddled with them," Celestia said, "That mad pursuit was the worst course of action."
"Agreed," Luna said, "But Discord chose well. Returning them to their homes will be a blessing for us, and a curse on their homelands."
Celestia snorted at that, and grinned alongside Luna. "That still leaves those who escaped."
"As Applejack pointed out, digging them out will be worse than getting a tick off a hound dog, it will be like first finding a needle in a needle factory," Luna said, "And then convincing them we can be trusted to return them home safely."
"You're our best hope of that," Celestia said, "Horrible as it may sound, their nightmares of these events will be very easy to notice."
"I've already looked into some of the others' dreams, from offensively prosaic to frustrating to vaguely disturbing," Luna said, "The phrase they use is 'a dog wouldn't know what to do with a cart if they caught it'."
"Waifu-hunters who don't know how to Husbando?" Celestia said, "Maybe they aren't so different from pony nobility."
Now Luna snorted and laughed, soon joined by Celestia.
The village was quaint, the breeze warm and Luna could smell the sea. A seaside resort seemed the wrong setting for a nightmare, but it clearly was one. The human Luna had subdued was the best candidate to get the feeling of the survivors of the Nineteen's dreams and nightmares. Grace hadn't fallen asleep so she was not available and the human Celestia had stunned wasn't dreaming, so that left this man as the only option.
She didn't like the black coat and the feeling of being watched, but she headed for the town center anyway. The large building seemed both threatening and welcoming. Inside was a large chair that seemed to be properly proportioned for a pony, so she sat in it and contemplated her next move.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the human arriving. His jacket was the same as hers although he wore slacks that she didn't need. His fury was palpable, but she was ready to accept whatever insults he threw at her.
"You are the new Number Two?" he asked primly, brimming with anger but almost too polite to let it show.
Luna glanced at the jacket and turned the button she hadn't thought about and saw the number two on the background with the odd two-wheeled device behind it.
"I am Princess Luna, of Equestria," she said levelly, since he hadn't approached she didn't leave her seat.
At least he's talking, she thought, At least I'm just talking.
"Who is Number One?" he asked.
"Princess Celestia and I rule equally," she said and looked closely at his badge. "You are Number Six?" she asked.
That made his anger boil over though he got no closer. "I am not a number. I am a free man."
"My apologies," she offered, "But you're gravely wounded, and you are one of the few sources of information on your people we have. We made a mistake and we wish to make amends by sending you safely home."
"Information," he said, "Information. You won't get it, neither by hook nor by crook. Whose side are you on?"
"Equestria's, and perhaps yours?" Luna said and decided to accept the dream narrative, "Whose side are you on?"
"That would be telling," he replied then he blanched and looked beside her with real fear.
Luna watched the large, white balloon bounce sedately by her chair, but the human had already taken to his heels. She raced after him and it. A balloon would be no match for an alicorn, if only for the sharp horn on her head.
"I hate balloons," Luna said over her coffee. She looked over at her worried sister. "I won't repeat that around Pinkamena, but even she wouldn't like that balloon."
"I haven't your skill in dream delving, but perhaps I should try to contact Grace's mind, and deal with her on a less confrontational level."
"Sister, be very cautious. Discord chose even these with care," Luna warned, "Their minds twist into shapes and places that we can scarcely understand, and without understanding we cannot change their dreams."
Celestia smiled. "I'll be the very soul of caution," she promised.
Celestia hated what she was preparing to visit, hated what it did to her ponies, hated that it had never tipped its hand and given her an opportunity to use the Elements, or other special weapons against it. When she was feeling more honest, she hated what it and her reaction to it said about her and her relationship with her ponies.
The crux of the problem was what it represented and what it was: a master of Dark and Chaos magic. In Dark magic it nearly matched her and easily overmatched Sombra. In Chaos magic it lacked Discord's raw power, but it better understood its powers. A clash between them would be best observed from a safe distance. At the same time, it had never threatened anypony, using its formidable knowledge to avoid and de-escalate the fight rather than letting a battle occur. The second part was the most vexing as even the most mystically insensate beings on Equestria could instantly sense the danger the creature represented and reacted to it. The vexing part was the fact as essentially a noncombatant, the deep disquiet it elicited combined with its apparently gentle and soft-spoken manner was almost always misinterpreted.
The technical term was arousal, the activation of the fight or flight mechanism, but since the creature seemed so unthreatening, ponies innocently or not so innocently interpreted the arousal as lust. It had taken the report of a spurned stallion to bring the cavalcade of suitors and thrill seeking mares passing through the monster's bed to her attention.
Celestia paused at the guard station just outside the creature's cell. Their nervousness indicated that somepony was with the monster even now, in the middle of the day. They didn't know that Celestia's ears had already picked up the soft ecstasies of Fleetfoot of all ponies at the hands of the monster. Celestia let the guards distract her with reports and questions about the prisoner. She was all too happy to tell them dire tales of what the monster had done to threaten other villains. Some of the truly evil things it had promised to rain down on the Nightmare forces, The Gesetitudes and even the Schmooze. They shivered and glanced at each other, then asked the question that always came up, what about ponies?
"We've never been able to find the victims," Princess Celestia, mightiest pony of all, said and shivered, "Not one. Just gone. We don't know if other more numerous were simply erased and thus never were."
Chastened, and hearing Fleetfoot's uneven gait, they busied themselves in opening the great gate, more a defense to keep ponies from reaching the monster, as no barrier could prevent it from leaving. The Wonderbolt's manic grin faded instantly on spotting her sovereign and knowing what she looked like and worse smelled like would instantly indicate what they'd been doing.
"He is dangerous, Fleetfoot, more dangerous than you could ever know," admonished Celestia as Fleetfoot nodded and scrambled past the barrier. The loud clang indicated that Celestia was alone with the creature. The watching galleries were empty although scrupulously clean, a relic of the days when it was thought a company of armed ponies would deter where stone and steel and emplaced magic could not. Then later that it would deter those seeking an assignation, but both simply became challenges to the bold.
The creature would have drawn an eye even if it didn't reek of darkness and chaos. A skinny, hornless minotaur with the legs of an ape and its masklike, almost expressionless face. Celestia steeled herself and felt the terror take hold, but she understood the source and the fear remained as fear.
"Fleetfoot was here," she told the creature, "We have talked about this."
"And yet there is no edict upon your ponies about this," the creature said. While most of it was nondescript, even uncanny, the voice was warm and inviting. "I will not enforce rules on your ponies that you yourself will not."
"They don't know any better," Celestia said, "They don't know to be terrified of you."
"Maybe they do, and are a succession of propitiations and distractions," he said and stood, nearly as tall as the tip of her upraised horn. He remained within the cell proper while she remained outside.
She trembled, and steeled herself. "I would expect you to keep to our bargain."
"I never bowed to your threat, and I have only one rule beyond yours, well two but the second is more a guideline. First, no kids, and second, stallions are cuddle only. Beyond that, I do as I wish."
"Yet you remain," Celestia said as she watched it pace and adjust some of the incomprehensible things within the cell that it treated as an apartment.
The monster shrugged. "People know where I am," he said, "Dragons, minotaurs, changelings, windingos, nightmares, and even ponies. I hold court even as do you."
She nearly charged the cell door. "We are nothing alike. You are not even a foul mockery of the Royal Court."
He looked at her coldly. "Because I dispense miracles that you withhold," he said, "Don't think I don't know you long abandoned your promise to find a way to send me home, that the mirror-gate to a similar world is within your jurisdiction and is never mentioned, and that you resent no longer being the beseechment of last resort. Like you I mostly talk, to get them past the hard times, but I give out a few miracles, and that's why they still come, because there's a chance. When did you last bend your powers to directly aid a suppliant, versus bending the bureaucracy to seeing to an injustice they likely promulgated? Raising the sun doesn't count."
"I will not debate you," Celestia said and looked around the oddly furnished apartment. She knew if guards cleared it out and burned it all, it would return to look the same the next day. The windows simply hanging in the air looking out on forests and meadows disturbed her. Sunlight streaming into a place she knew was under miles of rock disturbed her.
"The answer is simple and was brought up by Plato, the Ring of Gyges. A ring that when worn would allow the wearer to avoid all consequences. It was called invisibility, but lack of consequences was the implied power. How could anyone avoid the temptation of that kind of power?"
She scuffed a hoof on the stone floor. "No one could, not even me," Celestia said.
"Another philosopher Socrates said 'one not ruled by their appetites could'," he said, "That's the difference between us. I rule my appetites, you've tried to forget what yours are."
Celestia sneered at that. "An endless stream of mares, others begging boons from you, and you master your appetites?" Celestia scoffed.
"They come to me," he said softly, "I don't go to them. Cadence and Shining Armor were the very best together, in more than prurient ways. Yet, I've not seen them in a year, and I do not pursue. I daily hope for their mutual happiness but I let them go and be happy their own way. If they came back, I would be overjoyed. If they were in danger beyond their means, they would have every storm and fire of mine that you so fear, at their beck and call, but if they do not need me, I am content with that."
"You cannot promise that with everypony," Celestia said.
"I can if I love them," he said, "You refuse to learn that the one who knocks you down, and infuriates you to get up and prove them wrong, isn't your enemy. And the one who urges you not to strain yourself and they will make sure you don't have to compete, is not your friend. The road to the stars is long and strewn with potholes, but those who make it are truly blessed."
"What of those who cannot travel it? Is that fair?" Celestia asked and stomped a hoof.
"The world isn't fair, and there is not the same road for all," he said, "What would be mere adequacy for one would be excellence for another. Mastering one's appetites means giving up the idea that being better than all is the rational goal, instead being better than yourself is the real goal. As for your appeal to 'fair': your bureaucrats are mostly unicorns, in a mostly unicorn city, your protegees have been exclusively unicorns. While your rank and file military are mostly earth ponies and pegasi, your officers are mostly unicorns and pegasi, is that fair as you claim, unconscious bias come down from you, or is simply the people selecting their own destiny and their inherent talents?"
"That's different," Celestia said.
"Rules for thee but not for me," he told her and grinned, "But you didn't come here to discuss your house-proud hypocrisy."
"Princess Luna looked into your dreams," Celestia said.
"Which I counseled against," he replied.
Celestia stomped a hoof and shouted, "What did you do to her?! When I ask what, she saw, she changes the subject and refuses to delve again."
He stared at Celestia. Despite his talk on mastering appetites she could see he was wavering on what he was going to say. She knew it would be deceptive, but in which direction was the question.
"You lack a frame of reference to explain it," he said, he grew grim as he recollected, "I've seen attack ships on fire off the Shoulders of Orion, I've walked across the surface of your sun, I've seen C-Beams glitter in the darkness near Tanhouser Gate, I've seen things so small and so fast they could hardly be considered to have happened at all, and I've seen an enemy's contrition and compassion in their last moments in the rain. I could tell you she saw Tchaikovsky conducting a RUSH concert on R'lyeh, and that would only lead to more explanations and confusions." He rubbed his chin. "Funny how withdrawn she was and now she's talking to people. And you are angry about it."
"I don't want her hurt," Celestia riposted, "Not after I just got her back."
"Everybody hurts, even you, everyone else's can be admitted, yours can't, even to your own sister. You yell and threaten and cage me, because only you can see the danger, but what you want is something to be openly afraid of. Your appetite: to be the helpless victim for once, without it also falling on your ponies. To have one thing beyond your control that terrifies you, yet does not harm your ponies. If I did not exist, you would have to arrange things so I would, oh wait, you have, congratulations."
Suddenly they stood amid a ruined city vaster than any on Equestria. They stood on the plinth of a massive statue, the stumps of four legs the only other part of the massive structure remaining. Even the great towers of the city had been thrown down by disasters and time.
" 'Look upon my works ye Mighty and despair!'" he thundered, and they were back in the cell. Celestia outside, the monster inside and only the iron bars between them.
"You have my pity that you so need such a thing, but I cannot grant that wish. Even my powers could not make real your delusion and my common sense displays the folly of it. Such a knife would turn and cut you in an instant, and I do not want anyone harmed, even my slanderer. I cannot help anyone who doesn't want the help. Cross the Plateau of Leng, the Sea of Tranquility or charge the Pelannor Fields, truly suffer at the universe's hands and grow from it, then come back and maybe we can talk about you instead of around you." He'd paused near the door to the cell, now he walked away.
She stepped up to the bars and asked, "You think you have the right to dismiss me?"
"You have had your say, and your other responsibilities are nagging at you even now," he said and turned to show his smile, "I do not order, I gave permission." He sat awkwardly on the edge of his bed.
The realization that budget meetings, the afternoon court and a delegation from the Post Office in Baltimare were all waiting on her stole away her retort. She turned and walked away, alternately wishing and dreading some last comment that would rekindle the fight.
Instead all she heard was somepony crawling, and Spitfire's voice asking, "Is now not a good time? Should I have left with Fleetfoot?"
"Now is an excellent time," the monster said, "I'm always up for a cuddle after a clash with Mistress Lonely."
Celestia didn't turn, but returned to her duties.
"Your Highnesses?" Rarity said as she entered the Royal Car as the two distraught alicorns were preparing to return to Canterlot. She'd seen Princess Celestia worried when Discord had threatened Equestria, she'd never imagined that the pair could look so frazzled. "Oh dear, perhaps another time."
"Dreams?" Princess Luna asked as Rarity backed away. The mare nodded, "I apologize, both my sister and I were occupied trying to reach out to the humans, and they - "
"Fought back," Princess Celestia said, "Proving they knew some of our innermost truths and secrets." She shivered, remembering how Grace's dream revealed a vast knowledge of Equestria, and of Celestia's own inner demons. Worse still she'd been a helpless observer acting in ways she hadn't wished to.
"It seems that perhaps they or our consciences were doing a little fighting back," Rarity said, "We, I, was the ax-pony for the last human, to great fanfare and approval, but I could never find one instance of what the person I'd executed had been charged with."
"Put it down to one last attempt by Discord to punish us," Celestia said. She smiled and shook her head. "He fooled us, and for that I apologize."
"I think there may be a great deal of apologies owed, and not all of them to ponies," Rarity said, "What I came to ask was about offering my apologies and in some ways a recompense for what we did."
"And you need a princess' permission to see the," Celestia said and glanced around, "Well they technically aren't the prisoners."
"They are assuredly NOT the prisoners!" Luna shouted, then looked at the frightened mares, "Sorry, bad dream."
"Charges?" Rarity offered, "We are responsible, even if we were not initially at fault."
"I think that meeting with them is a wonderful idea, but we should wait until they are ensconced in Canterlot. Aboard a moving train is not the best place," Celestia said.
"Would you care for some tea?" Celestia offered.
Rarity put her hoof to her stomach. "I'm afraid I haven't been able to keep much down after, after what Pinkie Pie and I did."
Celestia and Luna nodded and let Rarity withdraw.
"Is there any way to send the other groups to visit Discord, permanently?" Luna asked.
"He might enjoy their company," Celestia said, "Perhaps I need to visit the man. Grace already flayed my soul open and I think I can handle another such without being hurt worse."
"Just because you are not perfect," Luna began.
Celestia waved it away. "It was not Discord's tricks. It was real insight. That's what hurt worst," Celestia said.
"Take care, the man's dreams are very strange, subtly threatening," Luna said, "And we will be in Canterlot in a few hours. Haste may not be the first, best choice."
"They struck at you, it is only fair they have their chance at me," Celestia said and settled in to touch the dreams of another.
I hadn't even remembered entering the lottery. The local first responders had a few booths up on Founder's Day and I'd bought a bunch of tickets to get the free chili they were offering. My chilli didn't win the cook off, but it was a nice way to spend a fall afternoon, and people watching was half the fun, as well as find out about the arts and crafts, and the real services that were available around town by people who couldn't put together a web site. That stupid front door that either leaked cold air in the winter or took a full till tackle to open in the summer was finally fixed, after my multiple attempts had utterly failed. Turns out the door frame was warped, so fixing the door itself was useless. Like I said, experts.
The prize was a bit of a white elephant, a full-sized, four-door, luxury sedan, white of course. But it barely fit in my garage, and the license fee and upgrade on my insurance were a hefty blow.
Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful car, but it was way over my needs or taste, and it was also expensive even just sitting in my garage. I suspect the local dealership donated it to get rid of it. Well, as long as I didn't drive it too much I could sell it. Out of town of course, people might expect to see me drive it rather than my old Toyota pickup, but with winter coming and the salt on the roads, I had an excuse not to.
Much lighter in the checkbook, and with all my junk in the basement rather than the garage, so I could park both cars inside, I realized it might be a good time to sort the crap I'd stored in the garage to throw away, or at least reduce it. When I got tired, I could look up where I could sell the thing.
DISCORD! thundered through her mind, but she heard no voice. He'd defeated Twilight and her friends, then returned to 'deal with our precious pony princesses'.
She was stiff and sore in ways that made no sense. She was also blind. She heard the faint clink of cooling metal but couldn't localize it or figure out what was making it.
It was maddening, her ponies were in danger and she was trapped in this limbo of incapacity. Calm down Celestia, she told herself, What do you have and what are you lacking?
Sight and movement were lacking. She wasn't restrained, it's just nothing moved, or she couldn't feel anything moving. She concentrated on what she could feel and control, and quickly found it wasn't much. She could hear, and smell, and that was it. The smells were machines: oil, metal, rubber, some heated, some cold.
She waited.
While the number of bells and whistles on the car was overwhelming, I found the reason the car had been offered by the raffle. The remote start, which as a network engineer terrified me, if you could remotely turn a car on, you could remotely turn it off and there'd been a number of mysterious deaths that had involved auto accidents that could easily be explained by having the car, and all the supporting electronics and power-assist pumps suddenly shut off when you needed them. There was also a problem of the car's continuously variable transmission slipping out of park into drive. Even ignoring nefarious purposes, it worried me: my office partner had a trunk open button on my key fob, and a couple times a week she'd sit down at her desk only to watch her car's trunk open. Something else in her pocket had pushed the button when she sat down. If that same circumstances started a car that could slip out of park, that was a recipe for disaster.
I sighed and mentally added more work to the free car. I was going to have to put it on jack-stands and take the wheels off, so it wouldn't fire up and decide to leave the garage since the manual stated that to remove the key, the car had to be in park, so I couldn't just leave it in neutral with the parking brake on.
The jack-stands were cheapos and I had them as low as they'd go as I removed the wheels and stored them under the car. Then I resolved to contact the dealership so they could verify that the warranty work had been done and the car might not just start on its own and drive through my house. As I passed my bookshelf my one, signed first-edition caught my eye. I shook my head and remembered Christine had malicious intent, this car would do the same by accident.
She was getting frantic. She'd briefly felt her lower legs and hooves tingle, then go numb. Not the general 'there but not feeling', but as if they weren't there now. She'd heard the sound of metal on metal, and she'd realized she could only hear her own body, not outside sounds.
She'd slowly pieced together she was in a machine shop, and she was inside a machine. How would she communicate, how would she negotiate with others, and what was Discord doing to her ponies in her absence? Those and other worries raced around in her mind. Now she knew she was on a clock, every moment here was a moment Discord could be doing horrible things to Canterlot, to Ponyville, to all of Equestria.
Significant action would have to be taken at the earliest opportunity.
Another reason to sell this behemoth, you have to have the car running to access the onboard computer, and you have to access the onboard computer for the dealer to verify service was done. They didn't keep records in their own system? No, only the manufacturer kept the service records, and to ensure the customer and only the customer had full access to them, you had to connect to the company wifi and upload the car's status every so often. And the car had been out of touch with 'mommy' so long that they couldn't release the records to someone who simply phoned. It also implied that the condition of the car could not be ascertained until the car had been purchased and the new owner reinitialized the system, denying any potential owner the chance to know about serious problems until the purchase was complete. The anti-lemon lawyers would have a field day with that one. The customer service rep audibly winced at that, having made the same conclusion and sent her concerns up the chain to be ignored.
Considering that the car with all the associated bells and whistles would have paid off 10 years of my mortgage I was certain a potential purchaser would have lawyers skilled enough that they too could purchase this car on their credit card without encountering the credit limit we plebs suffered.
I already had the hood up and a battery terminal puller in place if the engine started or if something else weird happened. The more I learned about this car, the less I wanted it anywhere near me.
With more than a little trepidation, I fired up the car, verified it wouldn't fall off the jackstands, and let the computer and all the associated gimmicks and conveniences boot up, then would have to be ready for the inevitable download of unasked for updates.
I expected it would be lunchtime tomorrow before I could call the service rep back, if I needed to.
Princess Celestia suddenly felt her entire body, minus her lower legs and hooves, and she could briefly see. The room she looked into was strange, more like the inside of a coach than anything else. "Hello? Can you hear me?" she asked as she peered around.
A sudden movement caught her eye. "You," she exclaimed, "I am -"
She suddenly went numb and everything went dark. "I'm Celestia, please don't go! What's happening?"
I looked at the keys in my hand, glad that I remembered to shut off the car before bailing out. I pulled the battery terminal so the car couldn't restart, and leaned against the wall of the garage and got my heart-rate back under control.
I thought as I stood there. The hideous eye that had dominated the update screen and that deafening caterwaul had scared the life out of me. As I thought, I realized there was now a simple explanation. Robert. This was his kind of prank, and he no doubt would offer to buy the car from me, or continue to torment me through it if I decided to keep it. I doubted my skill as a hacker would ever rid the vehicle of his influence and it would be unconscionable to sell it to someone else with those backdoors built in.
Well, two could play the game. It would be interesting to see his face when I told him what happened.
I was inside and on the phone to George. "George, no need for jealousy I'm calling about your uncle, not your mate. Does he still have that auto wrecking yard, with the car crusher?"
"What about a flat bed to haul something? Yeah I won a new caddy and it is a total lemon, no I don't want to strip it for parts, Robert did something with the onboard computer, who knows what other specials he put in it, I want it turned into a metal cube and disposed of. Tomorrow, terrific, how much, okay get back to me on that, the sooner the better."
HA, ha Robert, you got me once, but I'll get the last laugh.
Princess Celestia called into the darkness. "Hello? Hello? I saw you. Is there someone still there? Hello? I just want to talk."
Celestia woke herself from the horrible dream, mercifully before her final fate of being reduced to a large metal and glass paperweight.
"That could have gone better," Celestia said to her very concerned sister, "No direct action against me, but a very definite strike against what I was. And no real knowledge of Equestria, our identities, customs or anything."
"Then we should concentrate our action - " The alicorns lurched forward as the emergency whistle blew and the train began very hard braking. As they regained their hooves, both Luna and Celestia exited the Royal Car and headed into the train proper. They glimpsed the bridge and the wide canyon they were crossing, but little else before they were in the next car. The troops were moving efficiently, but were not reacting as if they were under attack.
The car where the Charges were being monitored was the source of activity aboard the train, while pegasi and the more nimble Earth Ponies were examining the tracks and the floor of the canyon.
"She jumped," Pinkie said between sobs into Rainbow's shoulder, "Why did she jump?"
A quick survey of the interior of the car revealed the immobile patients, but Grace was nowhere to be seen.
"Pinkamena," Luna said, "Tell us everything." "About what happened," the Princess hastily amended.
"I thought that we should make friends with them," Pinkie said, "After all they'll be here a while."
"Hello," Pinkie said as she entered.
"Hello Pinkie Pie," Grace said, politely through disinterestedly.
"I brought you some cake," Pinkie said, displaying the confection she'd put together before boarding the train.
"I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but that much sugar would do bad things to me," Grace said.
Pinkie tried to process that completely alien possibility. "Even a small piece?"
"I have to be careful eating plain bread," Grace said, "You don't happen to have a small flashlight, do you?"
"Sure," Pinkie said as she handed it over, "What are you doing?"
"A quick medical test," Grace said, "The doctors haven't been able to wake Robert up, I thought I'd see why."
She opened his eye and flicked the beam back and forth a few times, then did the same with the other eye. She handed the flashlight back to Pinkie. "Well, thank you, it answered a lot of questions."
"What did you find out?" Pinkie asked as she finished off the cake she'd brought.
"That it's too stuffy in here," Grace said, "I need to open the window."
"Oh sure," Pinkie assisted the human in opening the window. Grace poked her head out and looked both ways.
"Much better," Grace said as she moved her chair closer to the window.
"So what kind of - oh, sugar. Well, there's - that's got sugar in it. Bread doesn't have much sugar, and you have to be careful of that little sugar?" Pinkie said.
"Afraid so, so plain tea or water, eggs and cheese are okay, vegetables are mostly fine. Getting a decent diet will be troublesome."
"The Princesses will sent you home before it gets too bad," Pinkie happily told her, "So you know the others, had lots of get togethers, parties, sleep overs?"
"I never met any except Robert before we arrived here," Grace said, "I don't recall the other gentleman's name off the top of my head, but he was more a fan of 60's programs than current ones. You're all cartoons by the way. Entertainment for children and their families." She stood and looked out the open window again.
"What? Really!?" Pinkie said, "I mean I kind of guessed, but I never thought someone would tell me."
"And this isn't your fault," Grace said.
"That's when she jumped out of the window," Pinkie said, "I knew we were coming to the gorge, so I knew she wasn't trying to escape, and I would have shut the window once we were clear, but I never thought she'd jump."
Celestia patted a wing on the sobbing mare as the guard pegasi returned. They spotted Pinkie and just shook their head towards their sovereign.
Celestia felt like bursting into tears herself. What did that test Grace do convince her to take her own life? Celestia wanted to know, What did we miss?
Luna returned and simply nodded, then headed towards where the last two charges were being kept. If she wanted to delve into their dreams again, she was welcome to it.
Luna was back in the black coat and the strange button. Her quarry was in a larger home, making the beds. It seemed absurd he'd be wearing the jacket while doing this kind of labor. It was also absurd that Luna had seen no others in the place, the crowd sounds she'd mistaken earlier for population came from speakers built into waste receptacles and traffic lights. While not completely up on modern technology, she did know that traffic signals generally demanded traffic, which was severely lacking.
"What is this place?" she asked the man.
"The Village," he responded, not pausing in his task of stripping the beds, turning the mattresses over and flipping them end for end, before replacing the sheets with clean ones from the hamper.
"That's hardly an answer," Luna complained.
He shrugged and continued working, finishing the three beds in the room he walked across the hall and began the same procedure with the triple-level bunk bed. There was a hamper awaiting him there as well, when Luna looked back to the other room, the clean and dirty hampers had vanished, she mentally shrugged and put it down to dream logic.
"One of your colleagues committed suicide by throwing herself off a train over a gorge," Luna said, watching for any reaction.
He didn't even pause in his actions.
"You didn't know them very well, but I would have expected some reaction," Luna said.
"I have this job, and will deal with things in my own time, in my own way," he replied, turning the mattresses and changing the bedding. "There's also the source to be considered, Number Two."
"My name is Luna," she said.
"Names, titles, identities do so change as time wears on," he said, flipping the last mattress then putting clean sheets on the beds, "Despite knowing my name, you refuse to use it. So why should I break custom?"
"When would I have learned your name?" Luna said, "You are alone here, no one else. Who would I ask? I can bet you wouldn't give it if asked, or that damned balloon would show up before you answered."
"If Rover troubles you, why use it?" he replied looking at her for the first time, "Talk with Number One about this, just remember, commas are a very important thing."
Luna returned to awakened state and wanted to bash her head against the wall.
When night falls, I'll go after one of the others, she thought, I'm tired of these games.
The arrival at Canterlot was a good deal more somber than expected, in stark contrast to the enthusiastic welcome by the adoring populace. Princess Celestia put on the brave face and greeted her reverential ponies and let the two patients and the Bearers slip away unnoticed. The normally ebullient personalities very much subdued not only by their clash with Discord, but by their own actions once free of his influence.
Princess Luna put on a brief appearance and set the tone that the two charges and those who'd escaped were as much Discord's victims as the ponies were. The populace of course rallied to the call of their sovereigns and gave spirited, verbal support. Nopony was sure how the following days would unfold.
Luna retired to her tower as soon as the moon was up, both to soothe ponies' nightmares, and to locate and communicate with the other humans who'd avoided all attempts to capture or even communicate with them.
The huge cabinets seemed to be 50% rows of blinking lights by weight and stretched out to great distances in all directions. But the odd typewriter with a spotlight over it seemed to be the goal of Luna's endeavors. She was aware that computer games existed, but the need for a room full of one computer escaped her understanding.
This is a defense, like The Village, she thought as she approached, Who or what it is defending will remain unknown until and unless I can gain their trust.
There seemed to be a cabinet with a glass face on which words appeared. Once she stepped into the spotlight a voice rang out.
The voice was so patently artificial, it could only have been produced by a skilled, living mimic. "How about a nice game of chess?"
Luna vastly preferred go, but she knew that she had to at least act like she was playing along. The screen gave her the chance to answer 'y' for Yes and 'n' for No. She selected y and the board set up was much like that of Equestrian chess.
"I'm looking to communicate with the humans and to come to an understanding with them," Luna called out into the darkness.
"Strange game," the voice replied, "The only winning move is not to play."
Luna sighed. This is going to be a long night, she thought.
Celestia normally didn't delve into dreams, she lacked the skills to be as good as Luna, and she was always worried she'd break somepony. She made an exception for the humans. While their bodies were incredibly fragile, as was their morale, their minds seemed well able to deal with the vagaries of dream walking.
Luna had described The Village, and Celestia had never encountered anything that could be both quaint and menacing, until now. She'd arrived at the headquarters and sat down in the chair that seemingly summoned the angry Number Six. The man bustled in moments after Celestia had settled in and braced herself.
"Who are you?" the man demanded.
"The New Number Two," Celestia said, displaying the button on her jacket. Unlike Luna she rather liked the styling.
"Who is Number One?" the man asked.
"You are," Celestia replied and enjoyed his slightly shocked reaction, "I am not here to get information, but to give it. An enemy of ours summoned two groups of you. One rampaged through our town, terrorizing the populace, the second, your group, retreated into the forest. The first group were reinforced to such a degree that only the strongest blows and spells would phase them. Your group was left unreinforced, so when we encountered you, the use of our practiced method had tragic results. We can never be forgiven for that, but we still want to return the survivors home. If you will not forgive us, will you help your fellow humans escape this place?"
The man stood there, like a movie that had jammed and showed a single frame.
Celestia hoped the film didn't burn through and force her to deal with the rest of the facade. She was patient, she could wait until the film started running again.
As the inaction drew on, she began worrying about her ability to escape a fragmenting mind.
Twilight Sparkle was not prone to nightmares while asleep, she encountered and dealt with more nightmares while awake than any pony had a right to. So seeing the road to Canterlot, at night, lit by the torches of burning humans warned her that this was definitely a Princess Luna-worthy nightmare.
Fortunately, her subconscious did not have them alive and screaming, and she knew enough about lucid dreaming that since she knew it was a dream, she returned the sky to daylight and restored the trees that marked the avenue. Normality restored, she trotted along to whatever the next challenge would be. After Discord, losing hope in her friends, and even Equestria, she couldn't think of anything her sleeping mind could throw at her that her waking mind hadn't already dispensed with.
Four hours later she had pulled down several of the trees, made them into a cozy cabin and was walking inside. If I'm not going to get any closer to Canterlot, she thought, I'm not going to expend the effort.
As soon as she settled in, Spike appeared. "I got a letter from the Princess!" he exclaimed.
"Of course you do," she said, "Get to Canterlot as fast as possible."
"How'd you know?" Spike asked as Twilight relaxed her control on the trees that didn't compose her cabin, and returned the sky to night time. Spike jumped behind her at the burning corpses lining the road to Canterlot. "A Nightmare Night prank?" he asked.
Celestia's voice doing a Discord laugh erupted from the parchment as it burst into flames.
"Yeah, let's go with that," Twilight said as she circled, treading down the grass then curled up to go to sleep. A number of lights shown into the cabin. Many ewes and rams walked in circles around the cabin. St. Elmo's fire and occasional sparks for their coats and horns illuminating the scene. "Let's definitely go with that."
Pinkie was not enjoying this party. She'd had to collect all the treats, then dump out the punch and replace it with water, after a guest had sampled the treats or the punch, and died horribly. The safe dropping on the human who tried one of the apple-raisin crisps had been extreme in her opinion.
Water and hardtack didn't make for a very festive party.
Even everyhuman smiling didn't help. The metal frames on their faces holding their smiles while their eyes showed terror and dismay really detracted from their smiles.
Even party games had been a disaster. Pin the tail on the pony had entailed dragging a tailless Rarity out and trying to pin her tail back on. It kept falling off and Rarity's idea of using a long nail and hammer to secure it better didn't appeal to anyone.
Rarity knew a nightmare when she saw it, and this was it. She was utterly out of fashion, and intended to stay that way.
The gowns were beautiful, elegant and often daring. But they were green, not a pleasant sea foam, or forest, but the green of a violently ill pony, or what they had just thrown up. Bilious would have been better.
Rarity sighed and tried to avoid any mirrors, for the sight of her mascara, false eyelashes and worse her blush made her nearly the correct color for the fashion disasters parading all around her. She glanced at Rainbow's now monochrome mane and tail, and lost hope.
"What is this telling me?" she asked and looked at the frog with the banjo, "One word out of you and you're Opal's new chew toy."
Exit, stage frog.
Author's Note
Another Halloween offering since I can't dress up as a the *Beer Bug* and trick-or-treat at your doors, rather dark and random, even for me.
I should have another chapter for Thanksgiving.