Bickering Over A Purple Lizard

by Deergenerate

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Romance, Sex, Smolder, Random, Gabby, Ember
Length: 4507

Ember, Smolder, Gabby and Rarity all want a piece of Spike.

Spike grew into adulthood gracefully. If by gracefully, you mean that he grew into the biggest chad alive. Naturally, having the powerful chin and upper body of a Greek god attracts the attention of the ladies.

Spike finds his diamond-hard abs and hunky aesthetic a battlefield, fought over by four rabid suitors. Two dragonesses, a gryphon, and a pony all lay claim to him, but it's hard to say who will win the purple lizard's affections.

Published 2023-08-21 17:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-21 17:20:00 UTC

To Be Fair, He is a Very Hot Lizard

There he was. Standing near the fountain in the center of Ponyvile talking to Big Mac. The object of Rarity's undying affection. Well... undying affection was perhaps an overdramatic way of describing it, especially because this affection had only come into being a couple of months ago when she first laid eyes on Spike's new, 'adult' body.

Now, 'adult body' made it sound bad. In truth, Rarity and Spike were the same age, always had been, but due to how slowly Dragons aged compared to ponies, he hadn't been a full-on out adult appearance-wise. That of course changed several months ago when, once again, Spike had been encased in stone, where he remained for a couple of days until he hatched out in his current, gigachad form. The one Rarity was currently admiring from afar and totally not stalking.

His rippling muscles put every stallion around him to shame, his diamond-hard abs looked as though one could grind down boulders on them. His wings flared and his powerful forearms bulged with every movement. His jaw was so square that one could use it to accurately measure right angles with it. His chin looked so broad and hard that one could use it as an anvil.

Rarity could hardly contain herself. She bit her lips as she imagined the two of them together. Feeling him hold her as they slept in bed together, resting her head on his powerful pecs, being lifted up and kissed by his strong arms. It was the dream. Ironically, it was a dream that Spike had also once shared, but had since grown out of. She hated herself even to this day for turning him away or ignoring him for so long. She had passed up the perfect hunk!

'Damn you hindsight!' She hissed to herself. That was when she noticed something from afar, however. There was a rustling in a far off bush, and she saw a pair of eyes slowly peek out from the leaves and branches. Two dark teal eyes.

That was the good thing about watching someone from afar and definitely not stalking them. You knew all the tricks an actual stalker (who was not Rarity, by the way) could possibly use to stalk the object of your affection.

Rarity let out a hiss. Spike was being stalked! She would get down to the bottom of this. She started crawling on the tips of her hooves to the left, planning to loop around in a circle keeping her distance from Spike. It just so happened that she too was in a bush, so it was easy for her to hide as she made her slow movements. Suddenly, however, she felt herself run face-first into something orange and scaly.

Crawling back a couple of inches, she looked up, locking eyes with an adult dragoness who had been hiding a mere couple feet from her that she had not noticed.

"Smolder? What the heck are you doing here?" Rarity asked with a deep frown. Smolder let out a slight grunt, smoke flying from her nostrils before she turned and looked out a small opening in the bush.

"It's stupid and all but... I'm watching Spike." Smolder said, a slight blush coming to her face. "He is just so... so..." She let out a pleasant hum which caused Rarity's temper to flare.

"You mean you are stalking my Spike-y wike-y?" She hissed, which caused Smolder to gasp and look down at her.

"Your Spikey Wikey? You mean..." Smolder said, sudden rage coming to her rapidly narrowing eyes. "You're after my Spike too? How dare you!?!"

"Would you two shut up?" A third voice said. Smolder and Rarity both rapidly whipped around, on the opposite side of the bush was another figure who she hadn't noticed. Two blood-red eyes stared at them, attached to a blue dragoness who was very obviously annoyed at the two bickering ladies.

"Dragonlord Ember? What are you doin-" Smolder stared, but she was interrupted by a bestial growl which emerged from Ember's throat.

"I said shut up." Ember quietly roared, before turning her eyes back outside the bush. "Something's happening."

Rarity and Smolder locked eyes with each other for a couple of seconds, before they too parted the bush's leaves and stared back at Spike.

The dark teal eyes Rarity had previously seen slowly retreated back into the bush, until only a second later when they, and the gryphon they were attached to, stepped out of the bush and started walking towards Spike.

"Oh no!" Rarity hissed through gritted teeth. "That's Gabby!"

Both Ember and Smolder locked eyes with one another, turning to Rarity right after. "Who?" They said in unison.

"She was Spike's old friend!" Rarity cried. All three of their eyes widened in unison. "I think they might have been dating too!"

"We have to stop her!" They all said, before breaking from the bush and rushing directly towards her.

Gabby smiled slightly as she slowly walked towards Spike. She had always had a crush on Spike, since the moment they met, and now that he was there, right in front of her, it was now the perfect time for her to strike. All she had to do was ask him out.

"Yeah, the O&O games have kinda gotten a little stale with just you, me, and Discord," Spike said to Big Mac as he leaned over the fountain, back to Gabby. "I was thinking of inviting someone else."

"Oh? Who would that be?" Big Mac asked. Before the dragon could answer, Gabby spoke up.

"Uhm... hey Spike." Gabby said allowed. She smiled as Spike perked up, and slowly started to turn around. She was so close!

Then, it happened. She was suddenly tackled from the side by what felt like three people of... unequal weight to say the least. She, and they, were sent flying away, over a nearby fence in fact.

Spike raised an eyebrow when he saw no one behind him. He could have sworn he heard someone. Quickly turning back to Big Mac, he pointed a finger over his shoulder. "You heard that right?"

"Eyup." Big Mac said with a nod, leaning to the side to look behind the dragon, "Dunno who said it though."

They both shrugged before they started to walk away. "So tell me bout this pal of yours."

"Oh, sure," Spike said with a chuckle.

Gabby landed in a bush at the bottom of a heap of both furry and scaly limbs.

"G-get off me!" She cried trying to pull herself out of the dogpile she was buried underneath.

"Not a chance!" A scratchy voice called out. "Spike is mine!"

"No, he's not!" A much more regal and sophisticated voice who was currently pinning Gabby in an armlock while savagely biting at her hand, "He is mine."

"Wait a minute." A third, booming voice said. She instantly felt the heaviest body pinning her get up and walk back. "We all want Spike? Why the heck am I helping you guys when I could be beating you to him!"

The other two got off of Gabby, allowing her to spin around and get a good look at her assailants as they lept into the air to instead tackle a blue dragoness she vaguely recognized as Dragon Lord Ember out of the sky as she attempted to fly away. She also saw someone she equally quickly recognized as Rarity and an orange dragon she had never met before in her life. Her eyes narrowed at the white unicorn, but she shook her head. This didn't seem right.

"Hey!" She shouted, taking a step forwards. All 6 eyes of the dragonesses and pony quickly snapped to her, alongside the eyes of the family whose backyard they were currently inside of.

"There must be a more civilized way to handle this!" She said; sitting back crossing her gryphon arms over her chest. The others looked at each other, muttering amongst each other.

"You're right," Ember said, standing up, and similarly crossing her hands over her chest. "I challenge all three of you to a duel to the death in the lava pools of Mount Deathfire! Winner takes all!" She shoved a fist into the air and let out a roar, shooting violet flames into the air, unfortunately catching a poor passing pegasus's hooves, who quickly flew towards the nearest body of water so he could not die.

"Oh, you're on you blue crotchety has-been!" Smolder roared back stomping towards the Dragonlord.

Both Gabby and Rarity blinked several times, locking eyes with one another... "You know... that sounds like the opposite of civilized..." Gabby said.

"And entirely unfair! Only dragons can survive in lava! Otherwise, I would rip you two limb from limb and drown you in your own tears!" Rarity roared, foaming at the mouth. Gabby took a step away from her.

"Exactly! Spike is a Dragon, therefore he should be with a dragon!" Smolder hissed at her fangs showing and smoke shooting from her nose.

"Why you..." Rarity said, eyes twitching and horn shining.

"Exactly," Ember said, pulling the Bloodstone Scepter out of Hammerspace, the mythical zone that all characters had access to for storing things. She slammed the base of the scepter onto the ground, totally not chipping it. "And as Dragonlord, I get to lay claim to any other dragon I want and they will be my boyfriend and no one else can claim otherwise."

Smolder's jaw dropped as all the color drained from her face. "Since when was that a rule!?!"

"Since just now." Ember grinned, sticking out her tongue.

"Why you-!" Smolder roared, before rushing at Ember with fists raised.

"Stop!" Gabby roared again. "We should figure this out like normal, regular people."

"We... are?" Smolder and Ember said confusedly in perfect unison.

"Dragons are the opposite of normal." Both Rarity and Gabby replied in similar unity.

"Hmmph," Ember said with a growl, looking away and shooting smoke from her nose for like... the fifth time. "Racist."

"Besides, what if Spike doesn't choose you after you win the uh... duel?" Gabby said after clearing her throat. "There is a much, much easier way to do this."

"Exactly." Rarity said, sticking her head into the air. "I think the pony who knew him for the longest should get him."

"What? That is totally unfair!" Gabby suddenly cried. "And if anything, you had your chance!"

"Yes, you did," Ember said, crossing her arms over her chest. "And since I have known him much longer than any of the rest of you, that makes me the most logical candidate."

"What?" Gabby once again cried. "I've known him for almost as long as you!"

"No, you didn't!" Smolder hissed. "You only started hanging out with him way after the school opened and I met him!"

"Not true, I've been his pen pal for years!" Gabby hissed in return. There was so much hissing going on, that one might assume that some snakes were among them.

"That doesn't count." All three of the others exclaimed in unison.

"Why not?" Gabby roared back.

All of them opened their mouth to say something, but nothing came. What they should have said was that, since the pen pal stuff happened offscreen and was never mentioned until that episode, it totally was a crack-ship. But, this is a fic that will never ever break the fourth wall so that didn't happen.

"Guys, there is a really, really, really simple way to do this," Gabby said with a sigh.

"And what would that be?" Asked Ember with a frown.

"Why don't we all just take turns asking him if he'd like to date us?" Gabby suggested with a smug smile. All three of the others' eyes widened.

"Ooooh..." Came the reply from their lips.

"Yeah... that'd work." Rarity said.

"Good. Let's go!" Gabby said, taking to the air. "I call dibs on first 'cause it was my idea!"

"Oh, you cheating piece of-" Ember cried, taking to the air after her, followed by Smolder.

"Hey, I can't fly!" Rarity called up to them. "How am I supposed to- oh forget it."

Spike hummed to himself as he walked through the streets of Ponyvile, ignoring all the gawking looks he got from all of the mares he passed, alongside the jealous ones from the Stallions around him. He brought a hand to his chin, inadvertently flexing his arm, making all of the mares on the street swoon. He wasn't that good-looking, was he?

Just then, he felt a tap on his back. Initially, he didn't see anything when he whirred around, until he lowered his gaze to see a small grey gryphon, one of her forelegs behind her back.

"Gabby! I thought I heard you earlier," Spike said, a goofy grin coming to his face. "How have you been? I wanted to send you a letter earlier, but I didn't really have the time to go down to the post office, especially because I have something I gotta do later tonight."

Gabby shivered slightly at the sight of him smiling at her. "Oh, I don't mind. I probably should have sent you a letter telling you I'd be in town first huh?"

"Oh, don't worry about it," Spike chuckled, waving his hands. "I love surprise visits!"

"Well, do you also like surprise gifts?" Gabby asked with a smile. Spike raised an eyebrow before she brought her hans out from behind her back, and held what she had up for Spike to see.

"A torch?" Spike asked, cocking his head to the side.

Gabby gasped. She was now holding a notably flaming bundle of roses. The fire was orange, she knew breathed orange fire. She whipped around for a second, barely catching sight of a scaly orange tail disappearing behind a corner. She sighed and threw the burning bundle over her shoulder and returned her attention to Spike.

Gabby sighed and just shrugged. "Sorry, I must have held them too close to a candle."

"Hey don't worry about it. I breathe fire. I burn stuff all the time." Spike laughed. Gabby blushed as he did... he was so charming...

"So... so Spike, you know how we've known each other for a while now?" She said up to him, gazing into his perfect emerald eyes. "W-well... I've liked you since we met and well..." She trailed off.

"Aw, I like you too Gabby!" Spike said, patting her on the shoulder.

Gabby looked up at him, with star-struck eyes. "You mean that?!"

"Yeah!" Spike chuckled. "You're one of my best friends!"

And like that, Gabby felt her confidence shatter into a million pieces. She visibly deflated, sagging over slightly.

"Uh... sorry. I should go." she quietly said, before she turned and started walking away. Spike blinked twice.

"What was that about?"

Smolder rolled her shoulders as she psyched herself up, running in place and throwing a couple of punches at totally real attackers who were just invisible. She wasn't doing anything weird. Then she stepped out of the alley she was currently squatting in, before turning a corner and confidently marching directly towards Spike, head held high.

Said dragon was currently sitting at a table at Ponyvile's world-famous (not really) cafe, writing up a note to some random person. Probably something Twilight was having him do for rulership purposes. She didn't get a chance to see it as Spike picked up the finished letter and breathed fire on it, causing it to shoot off in some random direction. She never really understood that magical power of his. She merely shrugged it off and kept approaching the dragon.

"Hey! Spike!" Smolder cried with a smile as she came face to face with him. Even sitting down he was as tall as she was standing up, prompting a shudder from her.

"Oh Smolder. How's it going? Didn't realize you were in town too." Spike chuckled. "I'm running into a lot of people today."

Smolder nodded. "Yeah uh... I know," she said rolling her eyes.

Spike and Smolder stared at one another silently for a moment before Smolder cleared her throat.

"So, Spike. I was wondering. Do you want to go out som-" She started, but her sentence was cut short by a bolder dropping directly on her head. Spike let out a sudden yell of shock, falling back out of his chair and prompting everyone on the street to turn their eyes towards him.

The drake quickly shot up and reared back. With a single punch he shattered the hollow geode-like bolder, which collapsed with a rain of pebbles and crystals onto the head of a very stunned half buried in the ground Smolder. Everyone around cheered as Spike gently lifted her up, and set her on her feet.

"Smolder!? Are you ok?" Spike asked, blinking down at her several times.

"Oh yeah, I'm great I just... need a second." She groaned as she stumbled away from him, promptly returning to the alley she had previously come out of. She unceremoniously collapsed to the ground the second she was out of sight.

Meanwhile, Rarity sat in a nearby bush, mumbling to herself.

"That was supposed to kill her." She grunted, rolling her eyes.

Rarity let out a sigh as she straightened her back, looking over her most recent absolute masterpiece. A towering statuette made of every kind of crystal imaginable. Sapphires, rubies, diamonds. Heck, everything was there. Even if Spike didn't treat it like a cake of sorts as was intended he would definitely find it beautiful. And then the two of them would get married and have half dragon half pony kids and live happily ever after with Rarity spending every day looking at his rock hard abs.

Rarity grinned and shuddered. That sounded like the perfect life! She would definitely have to thank the pony she commissioned the statue from when he inevitably thanked her for it and dropped on one knee to marry her on the spot! Of course, it did cost half of her pre-planned retirement fund to purchase it, but it was most definitely for a worthy cause! Besides, she wouldn't need a retirement fund with a hunk like Spike around.

She was quick to cover the gift with a curtain when she heard a knocking at her front door. He was here. The unicorn instantly spun around, sprinting towards the door. With a triumphant cry she slammed open the door, coming face to face with Spike's chest. She smile turning her gaze up to Spike, who looked down at her with a slightly dumbfounded expression.

"Heya Rarity!" He smiled, bending down slightly to stare her in the eyes. Rarity let out a slight moan at the sight of his brilliant, completely clueless, emerald eyes. "You said you wanted me to see something? Did you make a new dress or something?"

Rarity blinked twice, shaking her head. "Oh yes! Of course I have darling, right this way." She said, quickly ushering him to follow her inside.

"Hmmm, you seem pretty excited. Is this dress for some royal or something?" He asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Dress?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. She quickly cleared her throat. "Oh, no darling, sorry for the misunderstanding. Really I just wanted to show you this!"

She quickly rushed to the statuette and ripped the tarp off. "Tada!" She cried as she turned away from the statue to gauge his reaction.

"Uhm..." Spike started. "W-what am I looking at?"

Rarity rolled her eyes... admittedly she loved him for his body. "Well Spikey, it's you silly! It's a smaller rendition of that one statue you love in the Crystal Empire!"

"Uhm... I see..." Spike started, raising an eyebrow. This prompted a similar look of confusion on Rarity. Slowly she turned her head to stare at the statue. A sudden gasp of shock filled her mouth. All that was left of the statue was an empty pedestal and a pair of legs, both of which looked like they had bite marks taken out of them.

Rarity's jaw dropped as she stared at the damage. She quickly shot forwards to the pedestal looking behind it just to make sure it hadn't fallen over. It was gone, but she did notice something now that she was this close to the pedestal. Scales. Blue scales.

"Urm... you seem really stressed right now, so I'm gonna come back later." Spike cringed as turned and left the room as Rarity started visibly shaking. As soon as she heard the door close behind her, Rarity let out an earth-shattering scream, a single word that burned through her soul.

"Ember!" She screamed into the dark, but no one was there to hear her.

Ember's method to get Spike was a simple one. Far simpler than the methods her fellow idiots had been trying, she mused. She would merely walk up to Spike and challenge him to a battle. The winner dominated the loser. That was the Dragon way.

So now, she walked the streets, head held high and a confident smirk on her lips. Spike was probably already on his way to see her, she figured. Probably already had the location, maybe even had his gauntlets ready. Maybe she should have worn her armor too. Nah. Spike would probably take that as a challenge, and he was already strong enough without his gear.

Ember grinned and let out a small chuckle. Yes it was very superficial but to dragons - true dragons - all that mattered was strength! Oh, and a big horde of gems. And money. And other stuff like that. She was strong and had a lot of cool things and a lot of gems and gold, so by dragon standards, she was the strongest, the richest, and the sexiest. And she was about to add one more thing to that list, as she finally arrived at the meeting place.

To find... no one. She raise an eyebrow. This was the place! She had sent a letter via courier to get Spike to come here. Wait... courier. She struggled for a moment, frowning as she thought back to that courier. It had been a griffon courier! It was then that everything came collapsing down on her at once.

"CURSE YOU COLORBLINDNESS!!!!" She roared into the sky, only to get a response in the form of Thunder. She blinked twice as it started to rain, covering her in water. She hunched over with a long sigh. It was half a day's flight to get back to Ponyvile.

"Oh well!" Ember straightened her back and stood up making a couple of mock punches in the air. "True dragons never give up!"

She prepared to rush forwards to take to the air, only to take a single step forwards and have the ground give out under her, and she fell directly into a punji trap.

There was a moment of quiet before, with a horrific roar of anger, Ember screamed the name of her new worst enemy.

"GABBY!!!!!"

Spike hummed contently as he adjusted a bowtie tied around his neck. He slowly moved his head this way and that in tune with his music to fussily check every angle of him in the mirror before him, just to make sure he looked as nice as possible. When he was sure everything looked nice, Spike nodded and grabbed a bouquet of flowers off a side table next to him, and turned to make his way out of the Crystal Castle.

Arriving in the main hall, he was greeted with Twilight of all people, who smiled up at her ward. "All ready for your date?" She asked with a happy cock of her head.

Spike opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted when four voices cried out the same word all at once.

"DATE?!?"

Spike and Twilight both quickly whipped around to see a certain four creatures step out from various hiding places around the room.

"Y-you're all in town?" Spike asked, a little bewildered.

"And you didn't tell us you were dating someone!?" Gabby asked, stomping a clawed foot.

"Don't play dumb! It's obviously you, you little bag of feathers! Why else would you have sabotaged me!" Ember stomped towards Gabby, pointing a clawed finger at her.

"Sabotage!? You ate my statue!" Rarity shouted at Ember.

"You dropped a rock on my head!" Smolder snarled, turning to Rarity.

"And she put a punji pit at my meeting place! I've been picking splinters out of my tail for hours!" Ember roared, pointing at Gabby.

"Hey, girls, stop fighting!" Twilight snapped, rushing past Spike. It didn't avail her much, as suddenly the two dragonesses, the griffoness, and the psycho all set upon each other in a massive pile of punching hooves, slashing claws, and magical bolts and beams.

Twilight let out a sigh and raised her head to stare up at Spike. He returned her gaze with a similar one. Blinking twice.

And then the doorbell of the castle rang. The others didn't hear it, too busy in their sparring to notice. As such, Spike merely walked up to the door and opened it.

"Spike!" A voice called out, before he was pulled into a hug by a comparatively much shorter bug deer.

"Thorax!" Spike responded, picking said character up in a massive bear hug. "I thought you were going to meet me at the restaurant!"

"I didn't want to make you have to wait, so I thought I'd meet you here!" Thorax laughed, a goofy smile spreading across his face. "Now come on! Let's go! The restaurant will be full by the time we get there!"

Spike nodded and set him down, taking his hoof into one of his claws and leading him out the door. "Bye Twilight, I'll be back in a couple of hours!"

Then he slammed the door behind him shut and disappeared into the night.

It took a few seconds before Spike and Thorax's words finally settled in on the other four, prompting them to freeze in the middle of their fight.

"Thorax!?" Rarity asked, her beak dropping. "Did he pick Thorax over us? I didn't know he was in the game!?"

"Game?" Twilight asked. "What are you talking about?"

"We all challenged each other today. Whoever courts him first gets to date, Spike." Ember snarled.

"Well, none of us won, did we?" Smolder growled.

"No, we did not!" Gabby cried. "We all lost to Thorax of all people!"

"Uh... No. Thorax wasn't in the 'game'," Twilight explained. "The two of them have been dating for years."

"Years!?" Gabby screeched, rearing back.

And suddenly, the pain of being rejected instantly faded. Burned away by a newfound feeling of embarrassment. Not because they lost, of course, but entirely because all four of them had all been too dumb to notice.

Author's Note

This story has been in development hell for years XD

So happy to finally get it out!