The Chapter Where The Ponies Do Stuff
It was a perfect night. The type of night for the type of thing that was happening in the type of place where it should. The type of night was typical. So typical, in fact, that a reader just might guess that some grand cliché was about to happen. Perhaps my overutilization of the terms “type” and “typical” might draw your mind to such a conclusion…and you’d be right. For it was here, on this most stereotypically perfect of nights, that a proposal took place. It was a subtle affair, for the attempting groom knew his bride would not care for something grandiose. He just wanted to feel the moonlight on them and the cool breeze whipping their manes into gloriously ridiculous shapes.
It was so perfect and subtle, that-
“HEY!” The proposing stallion shouted, “can we get on with it?! I’m trying to take the biggest step of my life, here! A little less chatter!”
“Um…okay,” the narrator said, blushing deeply, “sorry.”
Now, then…where were we? Oh, yes! The proposal! The stallion in question was named Test Tube, and he was considered one of the smartest ponies in Equestria. In fact, his high school PAT scores (that’s Pony Aptitude Test, by the way) were the highest among stallions of all time. The only pony who’d beaten him was Twilight Sparkle. He’d gone on to a highly successful career in the chemistry field, though you’d never know it. His home was humble, and he employed no servants. He simply wanted to be known as a pony who loved his work.
So, he was the perfect type to date Her Majesty, Princess Celestia. This beautiful pony of truly regal splendor had stolen his heart. Their romance had begun around three years before, when they ran into each other at a pizza place. Oh, a side note. The pizza place where they met has some terrific mozzarella sticks. No, seriously, these things are fucking-OW!
“I SAID GET ON WITH IT!” The stallion yelled at the narrator after thwomping him on the head with a random golf club.
“Okay, okay, okay!” The narrator snapped, “I’ll get on with it!”
So, since SOMEPONY can’t hold his horses, we’ll go ahead with the narrative. As I said before, the night was perfect…blah, blah, blah, and we’re back! The moment itself needed to be just as wondrous as the setting. Luckily for Test Tube, it was. He pulled Celestia into the Canterlot Castle Greenhouse and settled among a select group of rose shrubs. Oh, these shrubs were the shrubbiest shrubberies ever shrubbed.
“I’m warning you…!” Test exclaimed.
Alright, alright! Anyway, Test got down on one foreleg, popping forth both a ring and a very pertinent question. It was one he’d been waiting to ask for quite some time. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to go about asking it. That was when he’d discovered the greenhouse. He knew of Celestia’s eternal love of the floral arts, so he arranged for the two to be there privately. His plan demanded complete secrecy, so he had told nopony else except one: Rarity. He needed her to create just the right outfit for him to wear that evening. She’d been gracious with her time and skills, and had fashioned exactly what he desired. Now, he found himself wearing his dapper suit, gazing into the most beautiful eyes he’d ever known.
“Oh, my dear Celestia…I…suppose you know what comes next,” he said.
“I can guess,” a wildly blushing Celestia responded, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.”
“Will…will you marry me, my love?”
Celestia almost spoke affirmatively, but then stopped. 3,000 years of memories suddenly flooded into her mind. Her lack of touch when it came to commitment suddenly lambasted her. She whirled about mentally before looking back down at Test. The sharp onset caused somewhat cartoonish dizziness, and she saw three of him staring back. His eyes pleaded with her to say, “yes.” His heart was on his foreleg. His spirit, floating like the birds on high, had made itself known. To make a long story short, he made it plain how much he loved her.
Suddenly, she shrieked and ran away, leaving Test Tube befuddled as to the reason. She galloped through the palace, racing past door after door. She realized that she needed to use the little filly’s room, but she bypassed that in her haste. Her mind continued to spin as she ducked into yet another cliché location…a broom closet. She could feel her eyes darting back and forth, searching for something to help her out of this frightening scenario. Luckily for her, that something came trotting around the corner at that very moment. She reached out and grabbed it, forcing it into the area with a squeak of surprise.
“Hey!” The purple pony said, “you’d better have a damn good reason for…oh, hi, Celestia!”
“Twilight, listen to me, for we may not have much time to speak!”
The younger princess became worried. “Oh, my! What’s wrong?! Are we at war?! Did Saddle Arabian ambassadors send you something threatening?! Oh, wait, I know! Somepony baked you a cake with too many lumps in the dough!”
“NO!” Celestia exclaimed, “nothing like that, Twilight!”
Twilight wiped her brow. “Phew…that’s a relief. Now, then, what can I help you with?”
“Um…well…see…I need you to help me with…committing to something.”
Twilight nearly burst out laughing, but she didn’t want to hurt her ex-mentor’s feelings. “Um…Celestia, how long have you been alive?”
“4,571 years,” Celestia responded sheepishly.
“…and how long have you ruled Equestria?”
“4,561 years.”
“My point exactly. You’ve already made the ultimate commitment to the ponies of Equestria. So…why the hell do you need my advice for committing to something?”
“Please, Twilight!” The ruler begged, “I’ve never been so scared of something!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Alright, what is it?”
“I’ve just been proposed to!” Celestia shrieked.
At this point, Twilight’s eyes grew wide. A terrific thrill filled her veins as she thought of her beloved mentor tying the knot. She knew exactly how the arrangements would go, and she began babbling excitedly about things. Her mind jumped from one place to another, inserting each of her friends into a different task. Memories of Cadance’s wedding soared through her head, and she just knew everything would be perfect. She got so involved in her sudden planning that Celestia had to stop her the only way she knew how: a good, square hoof slap to the jaw.
“OW!” Twilight cried, “that hurt! Why’d it have to be written into the story?!”
“Because it helps advance the plot, my dear,” the narrator responded.
“Are…are we breaking the fourth wall?” Twilight whispered.
“Yes.”
“But Pinkie’s the only one who does that! It’s against the rules for-“
“SH!” He hushed suddenly, “…they’ll hear you.”
“Who?”
“The people who write the show!”
“But this is a VISUAL story!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Ugh…can we PLEASE just get back to my wedding plans?”
“Oh, yeah. Right.” Twilight said, blushing, “um…duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, oh, yeah, right. Hoof slap. (Ahem). OW! That hurt!”
“But you needed it,” Celestia said, “you were beginning to bleed over into a neurotic episode.”
“Sorry,” Twilight said, “I guess I got a little carried away. I’m just so thrilled! You getting married here in the castle? It’ll be just like Cadance’s wedding!”
“But I haven’t told him ‘yes’ yet!” Celestia cried.
Twilight stopped short. She now knew why Celestia was so frightened. It seemed that the ruler was terrified of committing to just one pony for any length of time. It was also at this point that the story’s soundtrack began playing the theme from Jaws. With a wave of her horn, Twilight changed the track to the love theme from Titanic. Finding this to be more suited for a romantic moment, she switched it again. Unfortunately, the narrator’s iPhone was on shuffle, so it burst forth with the think music from Jeopardy.
“Who’s running this?!” She asked.
“I am!” The narrator replied, “and if we don’t wrap it up soon, we’re gonna have to pay the crew time and a half! Now, get on with it!”
“Alright, alright, fine,” Twilight said, “Celestia, I’m guessing that you’re scared of this particular kind of commitment because of your special…property.”
“Yes,” Celestia said, “oh, for those of you in the audience, my property is living a very long life. I’m scared that my longevity will become a deterrent to any potential suitor.”
“WILL YOU STOP WITH THE EXPOSITORY DIALOGUE?!” Twilight shrieked, “we’re trying to finish the story!”
“Why bother?” Celestia asked, “the story’s stupid anyway.”
“Ugh…look, you and your stallion just need to learn to trust that everything will work out alright. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good.”
The end.
“WAIT A MINUTE!” Twilight shouted, “that’s an awful way to end a story! Can’t we end with some super romantic wedding scene?”
They had a wedding. The end.
“NO! NO! NO!” Twilight screamed, “Ugh! I’m beginning to feel like Daffy Duck in Duck Amuck, 1953, directed by a truly great animator, Chuck Jones. Seriously, though. We need something else!”
“Look,” the narrator said, “if I do anything else, the story won’t be as funny!”
“This was supposed to be poignant and beautiful,” Twilight said, “I thought we had an understanding! Come on! It’s in my fucking contract!”
“What do you want me to do? Quote Shakespeare?!”
“Yes.”
“Ugh, fine!” The narrator said exasperatedly before pulling from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “so good night unto you all. Give me your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends. There, ya happy?”
“Very,” Twilight said, nodding, “very much indeed.”
