Why Do You Speak My Language?!

by Soaring

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Original Character, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 53487

A human meets a horse. They both speak English... sort of.

Rick, a very enthusiastic human, meets Twilight, a curious pony who wants to know his name.

Rick isn't having any of it.

A shitpost written in a hour. Will be updated semi-regularly to springboard me into writing actively. Criticism appreciated, except from Mike White, because he's above this story.

Edited and inspired by FamousLastWords.

Now with an audio reading by StraightToThePointStudio! (Currently CH1 & First part of CH2)

Published 2020-11-02 04:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-21 14:18:16 UTC

Do You Really Speak English?

Author's Note

I am not sorry for this.

Here's a link to a Wingding's translator if you would like to follow along. It's the one that I use primarily for this story.

Do You Really Speak English?

“So, what’s your name?”

I stood there, staring at the horse. It was talking. Talking to me. It was definitely a mare, if her voice was any indication. Her eyes were wide, like those plates that I used to eat off of. She had wings, was purple, and had this crown-thing on her head that made me wonder if she was just playing dress up, or if some poor owner of hers wanted to torture this horse. This mare.

That spoke English.

“What?”

The winged-horse snorted. “I said, what’s your name?”

I blinked. My name? Out of all things this horse wanted to know was my name? What about the extras? Y’know, this talking mare probably hasn’t seen a pale looking hairless ape before, at least, that’s what science would probably describe me as if I was part of Darwin’s theories.

Wait, why am I thinking of evolution right now? Did David invite me to one of his academic drinking parties again?

“Hello?”

I shook my head, flailing my vampire-colored hands in front of her muzzle. “Sorry, got stuck in my head. Y’know?”

Unfortunately, her muzzle scrunched up like my hopes and dreams. “I don’t think I do.”

“Oh,” I said as images of my dignity flew off into the sunset, before they burnt up into a crisp. I took a closer look at the horse. Yet again, she had wings, which was totally different from the horses back home. Was she considered a pegasus? Well, she might not be, as that horn could probably skewer me if I tried flopping on it.

I internally groaned, but externally smacked myself. My forehead probably glowed like Rudolph’s nose, but I couldn’t muster up enough to care about it. I cared way more about why this horse existed, let alone how it talked in English.

Speaking of…

“So, why do you want to know my name?”

She just tilted her head. “Well, isn’t that what you ask anypony when you first meet them?”

My brow had a spasm attack, one that threatened to prepare for liftoff off my face. “I don’t think you ask that to a completely alien species, horsey.”

Suddenly, I heard her neigh. She had snorted just like before, except it sounded like she was angry. Extremely angry.

“That’s not very nice of you to say,” she growled, her voice full of grit and disappointment.

Just like my mother—

“Sorry about that.”

And suddenly, she perked up a bit, her ear twitching. She slowly walked up towards me, talking all the while, “Okay. Just know that I’m a mare, not a whorse.”

“A whore...se?”

“Yeah, isn’t that what you said?”

That head tilted again. I wonder if that crown was super glued to her skull? “No, I said horse. You know, with an h as a starter?”

“An h? What’s that?”

I blinked hard and fast, my mind racing of all the possibilities. She spoke my language, but didn’t know what the alphabet was? What the absolute—

“What? Don’t you speak English?”

“Of course,” she replied, nodding like she totally just said she spoke English. “It’s the most common language in Equestria!”

“Well the letter h is in the alphabet and—”

“What? No it’s not!”

This horse thing stared at me with a face so confident in her words that she thought she’d have to declare war on me to settle it. Little does she know, I studied Political Science and Photography at Turbo Virgin University. That in total should give me a career path with an estimated gross income of like… 21,000 dollars a year. Unless I get lucky and score in as a campaign head…

Y’know, if she asks about that, I’ll just tell her I studied in Astrophysics. I don’t want her knowing about my Only Fans. Then again, it’s not like she’d even know what feet are.

I gave her a smile that I hoped didn’t look like my bottom lip was having an aneurysm, because it sure felt like I was having one. “Then what is it? What does your alphabet look like?”

Her wings sprung out of nowhere, like a glock being unloaded by a crazy crackhead. Each shot was another indicator: her eyes lit up, her mouth frothing like the crackhead she probably is—wait, why she frothing at the mouth?

“Uh… are you okay?”

She sat down in front of me. Her horn charged up in a purple light, before suddenly a book blinked right in front of us, unopened. She gestured a hoof towards it, as if she was telling me to open it, which I totally took the opportunity, my hand gripping onto the corner of the book and flicking it open. The execution wasn’t as cool as I was hoping, the pages flipping around like a terrible catch I got at the pond back home.

Fishing sucked for me.

I blinked away my train of thought and derailed right into the book, which stared at me with the text of…

“Uhh, what is this…?”

“Twilight.” She said it like it was matter-of-fact.

“Twilight?”

“You still haven’t told me your name,” she droned.

I rolled my eyes. “Just call me Rick.”

“Okay, Rick,” she began, giving me a smile. It was kinda… odd to see her smile like that. Horses don’t smile like that— “So, what is what?”

I pointed right at the text in front of me. “This.”

She looked like a deer-in-headlights, blinking ever-so slowly to make sure she heard me right. “What do you mean?”

Her hoof stomped on the book gently, meeting my hand. “Well look at it! That’s totally not the English alphabet!”

I removed my hand from the book, much to Twilight’s chagrin, her muzzle scrunched up once again. “I don’t get what you mean! Isn’t ✌︎ the first letter in the alphabet?”

I stared at the book. What the heck did “☼︎☜︎✌︎👎︎ 👌︎☹︎⚐︎☠︎👎︎☜︎ 💣︎⚐︎💣︎☜︎☠︎❄︎💧︎” mean?

My voice anchored what little hope I had in her hopes and dreams. “There’s no way you’re serious.”

“Of course I am! Language construction and theory was a sub-minor that I studied in and—”

“A sub minor?”

Her eyes boggled, threatening to roll right out of her skull. “Didn’t you have sub-minors in your world? A minor for your minor?”

I blinked. “I don’t know, Twilight. Astrophysics was way too hard to care about other degrees.”

She gigglesnorted her wings into a twist. “Oh, Rick, my sweet summer foal, that’s something I can do in my sleep. However, language construction is always changing. Just like Friendship!”

“What.”

“Don’t you know the Magic of Friendship?”

I nodded… slowly. “Yeah.”

She blinked like a broken strobe light at a club. “I don’t think you do.”

“Twilight, we just met,” I began, throwing my hands in the air. “You know that anything that is part of this world is completely foreign to me and—”

“I didn’t know that! I thought you looked like a malnourished Diamond Dog,” she said with a slight tinge of excitement lingering in her words. “I originally thought I’d have to get you some diamonds to eat from Spike’s stash, but I don’t think he’d be too happy that his aquamarine gems were gone.”

I shook my head, not even wanting to comprehend what the hell she just said. Unfortunately for me, my brain wanted to try it, causing a sudden surge of pain to course through my skull. The pounding made me hold my head, hoping that I could get past it by just propping my head up a tad. I wish I went into the medical field.

My brain disagreed, which made me wince. “I don’t even want to know about that yet.”

“Good, Spike will never need to know that I compared him to a starving Diamond Dog. However, if you’re not one of them, then you’re right. You are foreign to us, which means it's my responsibility to document your species. Care to share who and what you are?”

I sighed. I hate Wingdings.

Are You Sure About That?

“I don’t see what the problem is.”

I sighed. Twilight wasn’t understanding why the alphabet of whatever English she spoke was completely and utterly broken. Hell, the peace sign doesn’t make any sense! She’s a pony, not a human with hands! Shouldn’t the ‘alphabet’ here be more streamlined to make the ponies relate to it more or something?

I sat there criss-crossed in my own tormented mind, struggling to comprehend the world around me. It was so hard to figure this all out, that I couldn’t count to five without imagining an emoji of a hand smacking me on my nose. I felt the urge to nurse that imaginary blunder, my hand reaching up to gently rub my nose, but that itch suddenly faded, leaving me looking like a complete moron if Twilight decided to look over at me. Luckily, she was too preoccupied, probably thinking as hard as I am, her hooves slowly creating a trench in her library.

Or was it a library? There were bookshelves surely, but they didn’t really match that library style back home. They were bigger, rocketing straight towards the ceiling at a breakneck pace, and they were filled too. To the sides of them were large plush cushions that I bet would plop me right into its comforts without much effort. The crystal chairs, however, were a bit funny looking. Who thought crystal chairs were good enough to be made into furniture? Just looking at them made me think of all the back problems I’d have.

I shivered as I walked toward one of the bookshelves. I held my hands close as I moved, looking from shelf to shelf. There were no books I wanted to read, mostly because if I tried reading them, I’d know for sure I wouldn’t understand it. Besides, I was in a completely different world, where ponies had wings and horns, and talked in a language that sounded like mine but was certainly not written the same. Why should I care about reading right now?

Unconsciously, I found myself twiddling with my thumbs, particularly scratching the side of one, while I rubbed the other gently. It was a nervous tick I’ve had since I was a little boy. It wasn’t a bad one to have, better than what I’ve heard from most people, yet it reminded me of when I was five somewhere in this aging shell I called my prime.

“Five, six, seven, eight. You’re all those and more, son.”

I shook away the memory, the face that showed its pearly whites faded into the backdrop, as Twilight, the purple horned mare with wings continued her charade, pacing back and forth despite the floor’s scuffed appearance.

I pried my hands away from each other, and pushed myself off the ground. I needed to stop this before she fell through the floor. As I approached her, I tried to smile her way, but I knew I was miserably failing at it, my lips settling for an awkward smirk instead.

Shakily, I took a deep breath. “Twilight, are you—”

“Rick, why?”

“Why, what?”

The mare stopped in her tracks and stood there, her ears slung against her skull. “Why do you think we don’t know English?”

I sighed. “Because, English has actual letters, Twilight. Y’know, twenty-seven letters with real recognizable patterns?” I blinked. That didn’t sound right. “Err… twenty-six I mean.” Dear, sweet, eight pound five ounce baby Jesus, maybe I didn’t have any place to school her on language and the alphabet.

Twilight blinked, her muzzle contorted. She had her gaze honed in on me. I was wondering why she was staring at me like she was, but all too-soon did she snort, completely shattering my thoughts. “And we don’t? Come on, don’t you know that 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎ are the most popular Equestrian characters and—why are you looking at me like that?”

I stared at the mare. My eyes probably looked like they were glued to her, frozen in time. Slowly, I pursed my lips, before responding to her, “What… did you say?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I said why are you looking at me like—”

“Not that!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms out in front of Twilight’s face. I was careful to not extend my arm out as I was worried I would poke her in the eye. I spun my hand in a circle, and gave her the best glare I could as I added, “Before that.”

“I said 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎—”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She wasn’t saying words, she was saying noises. They were like a cross between a bird chirping and a demented weasel begging for the sweet release of apocalypse. And her wings were dancing a bit, fluttering as each noise bounced off my eardrums like a bouncy castle. Not to mention Twilight’s horn was glowing purple, but the colorful aura was foggy like a cloud that lingered around her horn, but behaved like a tree swaying in the breeze.

“What did you say there?”

“The letters 🕆︎ ✋︎ along with the 🕮︎ sign?”

Twilight was gazing up at me like a sad puppy that has been waiting for her treats for far too long. It reminded me of my dog I had, a pup that sat next to the door, wagging its tail at a thousand miles per hour. I didn’t expect Twilight to do that, not that she could be a pet. That’d be weird.

A weird noise maker with an optional English setting disguised as a horse.

“Well what does a snnrrrtt eeeeee and whatever that sound of a helium-huffing mouse getting caught in a bear trap mean?”

Twilight shuffled out of her makeshift trench, which, for some odd reason, had somehow not pierced through the floor. She brought a hoof to her muzzle, scraping off whatever leftover crystals were laying upon it, before she answered with polite glee:

“You and I!”

My face fell fast. “You’re kidding.”

Twilight jovially shook her head, nearly snapping her neck in two. “Nope!”

“Why don’t you just say that instead of… that?”

Twilight smirked. “Well, if Rarity has told me anything it’s that every mare has their secrets.”

I could feel my eyebrow soaring into the skies. “Really? You’re going that route?”

“Really,” Twilight said with a single curt nod. She kept that smirk on her face, her face glowing. “I have to see if you’re truly ready for what I have to tell you.”

“Ready for it? What, is this some truth bomb you have laid out for me?” I felt like a spiky-haired hero about to get a side quest that was going to take way too long for the amount of experience points you’ll get from it.

Her sidelong glance at the door wasn’t anything to sneer at, as the sound of a lock clicking into place echoed in the room. “Definitely. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Spike comes up to drop off some snacks for us. Tell me, are you allergic to hay?”

My stomach flipped at that question. “Allergic? No, but my kind can’t digest it properly like you ponies could. I’d probably starve if I only ate hay.”

Twilight sighed. “That’s rough, you’re missing out,” she murmured, her body slowly sliding down. She laid down on the ground, her head resting on her forehooves.

Silence reigned as she sat there, closing her eyes. It felt like an opportunity to get away from her for a bit, since I didn’t want to interrupt her rest. She probably needed it after all that pacing she did.

I turned away and walked towards a nearby window. It confirmed my thoughts. Yes, I was alien, not that I needed proof from a landscape outside a window pane to get that much. Nothing looked familiar, yet everything did too. There were buildings. There were mountains. There were trees, paths, signs. But the norm was gone. The world of humans was replaced by horses that could fly, by horses that could blink things into existence, and by horses that behaved like humans.

The greenery outside served as a backdrop to a nightmare I was living. It was lush, large, and alien. A place not like home. A chilly sensation traveled down my spine.

“Are you okay, Rick?”

The voice made me jolt, my hairs standing tall on my back and my arms. I thought Twilight had gone to sleep, but instead she had walked over to me somehow without me hearing those hooves of hers click-clacking against the floor. My heart started pumping out of my chest, making me scramble away from her. Unfortunately for me, I had nowhere else to go, which led me to bump my back up against the wall. I felt like I was plastered to it like I was riding on a Gravitron, my cheeks numb to her gaze. However, that feeling was contrasted by the gentle offering of her hoof, which slowly began to reach out to me.

Then, it fell, leaving a soft smile on her face to greet me.

“Calm down, Rick. It's just me. Twilight.”

I sighed as I tried to calm my heart down. “Sorry, you scared me. I thought you were going to sleep.”

Twilight kept that smile up as she shook her head. “No, I was just resting my eyes a bit. After all that pacing I—” As she spoke, she made visual contact with the trench she made. “I really did that for a while, didn’t I?”

A crack in the facade left me wondering if I just lost the game, my lips curving upward. “Yeah, you did. How did you not fall through the floor?”

Twilight chuckled behind her forehoof. “The crystals in this castle are so durable that even I can’t fall through the floor at this point!”

I laughed loudly at that one. “Whoever put this floor in for you deserves a raise.”

Twilight turned her laughter up a notch. “I’ll let the Tree of Harmony know that you like its branches.” Another gigglesnort leaped out of her body before she continued, “Anyway, that’s enough about me. I’m more curious about you.”

“Me? Why do—”

“Seriously?” Twilight asked, her brow furrowed. “We went over this already, Rick. You’re not from here. Why wouldn’t I be curious?”

“You said I looked like a malnourished Diamond Dog!” I riposted, my eyebrow raised.

She cackled at that one, clutching her gut with a forehoof. “Hehe! Of course I did. But then I saw that you were hairless too. Unless one of those Diamond Dogs had gotten his hair shaved in the middle of the night, I don’t think you’re one of them.” She waved a hoof nonchalantly at me, as if I was to have it. “Besides, you sound way too smart to be one of them… unless you’re part of some distant intellectual Diamond Dog tribe.”

“Last time I checked, I was just Rick,” I replied. I looked down at myself. Yep, I was still wearing the same pants I had last week (the dryer was broken so this was my only pair that wasn’t a victim of a flash flood), and I still had that red and black button-up shirt that made me look like I was doing a Warped Tour at a Starbucks.

Twilight facepalm—no, facehoofed? Facehooved? Semantics were schematics, maybe.

“Yep, I’m still Rick.”

“I’m glad,” she droned through her hoof that was covering her maw. Her forehoof then fell to the wayside. Then, she backed up a tad and sat on her haunches, looking up at me with a quill and a stack of paper hovering beside her. “So, other than you looking like a… you, what exactly are you?”

Well, she was not going to give up on her little research project, which so happened to be me. I sighed, sliding down the wall and onto the floor. “Well, I’m a human.”

“Really?”

I rolled my eyes. “Is that really so shocking to you?”

“Well, yes and no. It’s a long story that I’ll hold off until you tell me a simple two-hundred page autobiography highlighting your life from birth all the way until this very moment, along with family trees, pictures, audio logs placed as blocked text, and even creative purple-prose depictions of your memories!” She did a cross between a squeal and the sound of a mouse being stepped on here. “I can’t wait to know all about you!”

I blinked rapidly at what she just demanded. Did she think I was some random 43andme representative? “Twilight, I don’t think I can do that. Are you sure you’re not a psychopath?”

She tilted her head all puppy-like, and her ears perked up to the point of standing at attention. “A psychopath?”

“Uhh… yeah. You’re talking like one.”

She frowned. “Sorry, am I talking too much?”

I nodded. “It's not just that though. You're... reminding me of someone else in my life. Someone who had an impact. Someone at home.”

Home.

I felt my heart shattered when I heard it again.

“I apologize, Rick. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Trust me, I’m not going to do anything you’re not okay with.”

“Are you sure about that?”

She grinned. “Yep, I’m HIV positive!”

I blinked, and checked my ears for earwax. “Sorry, what?”

“Sorry, Rick,” Twilight began, a blush blossoming forth on her cheeks. “I’m very sure about that. You don’t have to worry. Friendship is about maintaining a level of distance, not analytics, and despite popular theory, it’s definitely not about magic. If you want, I can get rid of the quill and paper.”

I felt my heart race a bit, but it slowed when I took a deep breath. “If you could put the quill and paper down, I’d be way more wlling to talk to you.”

“That bad?” Twilight asked, her voice becoming scratchy.

I bobbed my head, much to her dismay. “It looks like you’re going to attack me with malicious intent… or you’re going to violently draw a mustache above my mouth. Not sure which.”

She shook her head before blinking the two items out of existence. The purpleness around her horn faded as soon as it came. “I guess you’re right.”

Twilight sounded so hurt by my wishes, but I couldn’t help that it was for the best. She was getting way too jittery about all this. Besides, I… can’t help but feel drawn to her despite her wanting to document my entire life story. Maybe I can get away from her once she’s conked out from asking me all these questions she’s got.

“So, what do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

I gulped. I hated interrogations.

Some time passed… not that I knew how much because she was still asking me questions. The only thing I knew that the sun was no longer shining, and I was still stuck in here, my stomach grumbling like a San Francisco earthquake.

“So, why did you decide to buy that album?”

I shrugged. “It was on sale at the time, and trust me, I was not going to pass up on a good deal for the first autographed Dance Gavin Dance1 album.”

We had talked about a lot before this. From the clean vocal highs…

“What was school like for you?”

“School? You have that here?”

“Rick, if you think for a second my ponies are going to be stuck without their heads being buried in a book, then you are sorely mistaken. Celestia would’ve thought I was a poorly acted Twilight by some non-reformed changeling if I didn’t have a school system in place!” She had given me a smirk that rivaled all the ones before it. “Friendship is Magic, and it must be taught through the many articles, peer-reviewed studies, and mathmatically-infused if-then statements on the subject!”

I groaned. “Yeah, yeah, I get it Miss Friendshipper.” I let out the air that was staying under wraps. “Well, school was great. Had a lot of friends back there. I remember teepeeing the entire school with my friends.”

“Tea peeing?”

I smirked. “Decorating the school with the paper that all of us humans wiped our asses with. We got the school pretty good too. Too bad it ended in us getting detentions for the next three weeks.”

“D-Detentions?”

I put my hands behind my back and returned the favor. “Twilight, are you afraid of detention?”

“N-No!” she yelped, hiding behind her wing.

I smirked. “Not buying that, but I’m glad, because that makes you look way less like a psychopath, and more like…”

“Like?” Twilight asked, her ears perked up.

I blinked. “Human, I guess.”

...to the devastating low growls...

“Twilight, I eat meat.”

The mare in front of me turned even more purple than she usually did, as she gasped in enough to swallow more than just a few flies.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, I won’t eat you,” I replied, smiling at her.

She wiped her brow with a hoof, sighing all the while. “Good, because I was about to run—”

“You have HIV, remember?”

...and even then, everything I knew had flowed together. She knew about my family, which wasn’t much since it was just like every other nuclear family, my hobbies, and most importantly, why I was nearly about to freak out the second the conversation was over.

Wait, was that why she was asking about the album I purchased before I got here?

“Uh, Twilight, you know I’m not actually going to freak out, right?”

Her muzzle wiggled in response to that one. “You aren’t?”

“I’m sure of it.”

She searched my face, even closing the distance between us just to check to see if I wasn’t lying. Once she did her diagnostic check (this is what she had called it), she scooted back on her haunches and sighed. “Well, if you’re not going to 'freak out', I do have one more question to ask, and then we’re done, for now.”

“Promise?” I asked.

She did this weird gesture that involved her chanting something about a Pink Pie promising to not poke herself in the eye before giving me and something extra, “I Pinkie Promise!”

“Pinkie promise?”

The mare copied my move, bobbing her head rather rapidly. “It’s a promise I can’t break. If I do, I’ll have to make it up to Pinkie somehow. After all, nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise.”

Suddenly, a voice interjected, punching through the room’s atmosphere like a deranged lunatic riding a bicycle down a steep hill. I had nearly toppled over trying to dodge whatever that projectile was. Thankfully, I was able to move out the way just in time, as the pink blob screeched to a halt.

She was like Twilight, save for a horn, and had big blue eyes. She looked ten times more intimidating though, as muzzles weren’t supposed to act like a human’s mouth, her teeth all being shown in their glory.

“Uhh… Who are—”

“Never break a Pinkie Pie promise.”

“Okay?” I said in a hurry. “But wh—”

She shoved a hoof into my mouth, which made my eyes widen and my tongue begging for mercy. “Never!” the pink menace shouted.

“Pinkie, could you not put your hoof in my friend’s mouth?”

Suddenly, the pink pony yelped, letting me not taste the dirt of whatever earth she stepped on out of my mouth. I kept hacking out bits of grass and soil while she spoke, “Oops, sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I just had this sense that someone was going to propose a Pinkie Promise and then I felt the Twilight sense as well, and I just put two and two together! Now I’m here telling you not to break it and now you’re coughing up a lung… because of me.”

The pink pony’s mane deflated upon saying that.

“Pinkie, it’s okay. He’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure, Twilight?” the pink menace… Pinkie asked.

The winged mare with a horn nodded. “Yes. Trust me™, I’m the best source I know when it comes to helping humans.”

“Human? That’s what he is?”

“Yes, Pinkie, now get out so I can finish up this conversation and—”

“Oh. My. Gosh! He’s the same as Derrick then and—”

Suddenly, I watched Twilight shove a hoof in Pinkie’s muzzle. “Exactly! He’s just like Oil Derrick, the infamous oil seeker! He traveled all over Equestria to find the best oils for everypony to use! I think he’d be very much like Rick over here! Thank you for that, Pinkie!”

Pinkie shoved Twilight’s hoof aside. “But Twilight why are you—”

With a zipper, Pinkie’s mouth was closed, a purple glow hovering over the mare’s muzzle.

After finally not heaving up my lungs and my dinner (which wasn’t meat, thankfully), I was able to really see what was happening. Not that I didn’t, as Twilight clearly was hiding something from me, but I really didn’t want to say something until after Pinkie left.

Twilight must’ve had the same thought, as she made sure to say a few words, “Pinkie, not now! I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Pinkie’s mouth unzipped itself, letting the pink mare the opportunity to breathe and her hair to inflate. “Okay! Just make sure to introduce Rick to all of us too!”

I blinked. “How did you know my name?”

Twilight facehooved. “Don’t ask her that. Let’s save it for tomorrow, please.”

“Ok—”

The rest of the word fell on deaf ears as she was blinked away to wherever she came from.

Twilight’s horn died down. “My friends are great, aren’t they?”

“What was that about?” I said, cutting to the chase. I didn’t care about the display (well, other than Pinkie, because she was about to kill me with her grass and dirt covered hoof), I cared about whatever Pinkie said. That name didn’t sound pony-like at all.

“Pinkie just wanted to surprise you and—”

“No, I mean, Derrick. Who’s he?”

Twilight’s eyes widened, her wings twitching at her sides. “That wasn’t something you were supposed to know just yet.”

“Oh? And when was I supposed to know about him?”

Twilight’s lower lip twitched, before she bolted to her desk, which was hidden conveniently in a corner. She flipped open a notebook and swiftly galloped back over to me. Flipping through it, she shoved her hoof on a page and read out loud:

“❄︎🕈︎☜︎☠︎❄︎✡︎ 👍︎☟︎✌︎🏱︎❄︎☜︎☼︎💧︎ 👎︎⚐︎🕈︎☠︎ ❄︎☟︎☜︎ ☹︎✋︎☠︎☜︎!”

“Twilight, translate that to me in actual English.”

She groaned, mostly because of what I demanded, but probably because that wing of hers was totally bent out of shape due to that dance she did. “Let’s just say, this wasn’t supposed to be said until I could understand you better. Unfortunately, I’m stuck here having to tell you that… that…”

My heart began to race once again. “What?”

Twilight sighed. “You’re not as alien as you seem.”

What.

Before I could even think of anything to say, my mind opened up to her. “Are you saying that—”

“Derrick was our first human. You’re the second one in Equestrian history.”

⚐︎♒︎.

Author's Note

1: If you don't follow this band, you are missing out. Midnight Crusade is great.

One's Company, Two's A Crowd, And Three's An Interspecies Orgy

“Rick, are you okay?”

I could honestly crawl into a hole right now and start a new life underground, but I wasn’t wanting to tell her that. So, I shook my head and sighed.

“Do you want me to give you some time alone?”

I shook my head hard at that one. “Stay,” I murmured.

“Even if I do speak English?”

“Don’t remind me, horny. I’m still trying to figure out how that’s possible and—”

“You will not call me horny!”

Twilight’s voice reverberated in my eardrums, like if my head was a replacement snare for a drummer of a black metal band. I winced as I slammed my hands over my ears to hopefully protect them from the sudden increase in volume. Fortunately, Twilight saw my reaction and apologized profusely… at the same volume.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to—” She gasped, sucking in more air than a vacuum cleaner before she continued at a bearable volume. “Sorry, I’m still not used to the royal voice after Luna taught me how to control it!”

I let my hands fall to my sides. “Wish I knew that you could do that before I had to experience it. I’m pretty sure my eardrums just ran for cover behind my brain stem.”

I could still hear the growl in her voice as it rattled in my mind. This could haunt my dreams… Hell, my nightmares would wet their pants, if I was in one, that is. Am I actually dreaming? Is this real?

I pinched my cheek.

Yep. It was.

I waited for Twilight to say something, but she didn’t look so good. She had her head hung low, and her eyes closed.

So, I took the opportunity for once. “Say, Twilight?”

“Yes?” she squeaked out, her gaze peering up at me.

“What exactly are you? A horse, a mythical creature… a weirdly shaped fish that flopped out of water by accident?”

That made her ears perk up too. She brought her head up to look at me truly. “Are you asking what type of pony I am?”

“Well, yeah,” I began, holding out my pale hand. She looked at it like she just saw something that disgusted her, but when I brought it to see if her crown was actually glued to her head, she yelped when her crown clickity-clacked to the floor. “Sorry, I wanted to see if that was glued to your head. Guess I was wrong.”

She giggled behind her hoof. “Rick, you are a very silly human.” She gave me a very soft smile, but one nonetheless. That, children, is what we call progress. “Well, I’m an alicorn, a pony that encompassed all three pony tribes in Equestria.”

“Tribes?” I asked, brow raised. I patted her on the head as I spoke, “Sounds like there’s a long-winded and overly-complicated story to that.”

“You could say that,” Twilight replied. She looked towards the door and sighed. “I could explain it to you once I go find Spike. I feel bad that we’ve been sitting here since…” her voice trailed off. She brazenly looked around the room, whipping her head back and forth. Why was she—

Suddenly, Twilight attempted to suck all the oxygen out of the room. “Where’s Spike?! Did I unlock the door a couple hours ago so he could come in and give us some food and meet you? Oh, I hope he 👎︎✋︎👎︎☠︎🕯︎❄︎ ☝︎☜︎❄︎ 🏱︎⚐︎😐︎☜︎👎︎ 👌︎✡︎ ✌︎ 👍︎✌︎👍︎❄︎🕆︎💧︎!”

Twilight kept looking at the door, while I agonized over the lack of air in the room. My breathing was fast, and my mind was racing at the thought of seeing five of her. I flailed my arm around the room, desperately trying to reach a window sill to bring some life back into the room. I felt like one of those used car lot balloon men being whipped about by the wind, throwing my arms out just to push a window open. Thankfully, I was somehow able to shove the nearby window open, letting a surge of air rush into the room.

I panted heavily as I took in that juicy O₂ with glee. “Twilight, where are you—”

“I’m sorry about taking your breath away! I’ll be back once I find Spike!”

With that, the alicorn mare flew out the door, leaving me with only my mind as a company while I had now slumped back on the ground. It’s a shame that my mind wasn’t more interesting. He’s one of those friends that only talks about himself and then cries like a bitch when we don’t invite him to future social gatherings. Maybe that’s why I decided to go to Turbo Virgin University: to see how far my social awkwardness could go before I turned into an Instagram model.

Around me was that same library-thing. I was finally free from her questioning, her presence, and her complete and utter insanity.

And yet, I found myself wanting her back already. God, I was becoming a character in an 80’s song. I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her walk away.

I forcibly exhaled for the first time since Twilight took my breath away—wait why does that sound like she was trying to serenade me?

I blinked before I slapped myself silly. Whoever approved of that thought needs to be sent to the slammer with no chance of parole. She’s a horse for crying out loud, one that, if she was a human, would be a certified psychopath back home. There’s no way she could think of me like that, let alone I with her.

“Besides, she’s not my type,” I, the Turbo Virgin University attendee, said. “She’s royalty.”

The words had flown out of my mouth before I could bring them back. Was I really considering her?

I paused.

“No, she’s a fucking horse.”

“A what?”

My gaze snapped to the door, seeing a new pony right in the doorway. A mare with a pink coat, purple-ish mane that had a light blue streak running down the middle of it, and a mark on her backside that looked like a star with a blue streak following it. The pony walked into the room, looking at me with a head tilt.

“Who are you?” the pony asked.

Her voice tickled my ears, something that I didn’t expect. I stayed where I was, even if my legs were begging to move—if anyone was in this castle, they must be like Twilight if they were living here.

“Uh…” I said, before I brought myself back to reality. “Hey, I’m Rick. I’m Twilight’s new hostage.”

“Hostage?” The mare’s ear twitched as she sat down in front of me, hoping that getting closer would change things. She let out a giggle. “Sounds about right.” She held out her hoof towards me. “My name is Starlight Glimmer, but call me Starlight. Anypony who uses the last half of my name is either Twilight when she’s disappointed in me, or my parents, who are always disappointed with me.”

I laughed hard for the first time tonight. “My parents were the same way with me! Of course, they had two good reasons for it. My educational choices and general lifestyle were enough to wage war at the dinner table. So don’t feel like that’s what makes you you, Starlight.”

“Alright. Well,” She began, before taking a moment to poke her chin with a hoof. “I’ll have to come up with a new way to introduce myself now that you’re here.” She paused to look me down. “So, what are you?”

“A human,” I replied blankly, hoping she wouldn’t go to the lengths that Twilight did. “Have you ever heard of my kind?”

Surprisingly, the mare shook her head. “Nope! I lived in the middle of nowhere long before I met Twilight. So if there was another one of your kind in Equestria, then I missed out.”

I chuckled. “Well, Starlight. You haven’t missed much. Twilight’s the first one that discovered me after I conked myself out.”

“Conked yourself out?” She laid down, splaying herself like a dog. She looked up at me with inquisitive eyes. “What does that mean?”

“Out like a light?”

Starlight stared blankly.

“Knocked by a freight train?”

Starlight cranked herself like Soulja Boy before she shook her head.

“Got sent to Heaven and then back again?”

She blinked. “Heav...end?”

“Do you ponies not go outside?”

Starlight chuckled. “Of course we do! But we have ⬧︎□︎♍︎♓︎♋︎●︎ ♍︎◆︎♏︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ◆︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎♋︎■︎♎︎, so that’s why—”

“Translate that for me, please,” I begged, praying for her to blink a short quick guide on this whole nonsensical version of English as well.

She must’ve gotten the trick. “We have different social cues than you most likely.”

“Yep,” I said bluntly. “And you skkrttt eeeeee differently than Twilight. What’s with that?”

Starlight giggled. “Well, I learned how to do it differently than her. I don’t know why it was mandated across Equestria to use this, but each place has a different way of showing their emotions and thoughts.”

I blinked. Wait, what? “You do this to show your emotions and thoughts differently?”

“Well,” Starlight began, her muzzle scrunched up like an accordion. “It might be hard for you to understand this, but have you ever heard of a dialect?”

I nodded. “Yep, got one myself.”

“You don’t sound like you have one,” she said, searching my voice for anything that sounded like a dialect.

“Damn, I can’t even win here!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms up. “I live in a state that makes it impossible for anyone to say, ‘Hey you’re from X location’.”

She gigglesnorted as she scooted closer to me, her head close to my leg. “Well, I may have to retract my statement. You totally sound different from us.”

“Nice.”

I smirked. Street cred gained like a champ, the only cred I’ve ever gotten. Well, besides logging two-thousand hours into Skyrim on multiple consoles. Who needs cred when you are a level 100 Argonian Nightingale?

“Anyway,” she breathed out, holding her head with her forehoof. “Why are you here?”

I frowned. “Not sure. Woke up a while ago to see horny—I mean, Twilight, looking at me like a frog being dissected in Chemistry class while it’s still alive.”

“Pffft, Twilight does do that to ponies… and test subjects during experiments. I would know, I was one.”

“Actually, you’re still one of my test subjects,” Twilight said as she pranced into the room. “You just so happened to be replaced by Rick here.”

“Replaced?” Starlight mocked. She spared a glance over at me before she turned her head to Twilight. “I’m hurt by that, Twilight. I was a student after I was done being your test subject.”

“Oh, Starlight,” Twilight said with a smirk on her muzzle. “You don’t stop being a test subject until you graduate.”

“Graduate what?” I asked, before I looked over at what had entered the room.

A small lizard with purple and green scales had walked in, its green eyes looking over at me with bated curiosity. It had this mohawk thing going on its head, and it had some fangs that the lizard was not afraid to show off to the room. It also had claws too, which were gripping onto a platter of different foods, some steaming up the room with a certain amount of angst that only Trapt could pull off, while others filled my nostrils with a sense of hunger that my stomach wanted to voice proudly for everyone to hear.

“Graduate the School of Friendship, of course! Not that you technically had to go through the rigorous hours of lectures and—”

Geerrrrgle.

Everyone paused to look at me like I was more than just an alien. “Did you just—”

“That food is distracting me so much that I’m losing focus on everything else,” I said, pointing over at the dish the lizard was carrying. “Could we pause on the introductions and what not to eat? My brain needs to recharge.”

The three laughed at my dear agony. But I will not bow to their mockery.

“Not until you meet Spike!” Twilight exclaimed happily. She fluttered to the side to let me get a good look at the new guest, before she extended her wing out towards it. “Rick, meet Spike, my dragon assistant.”

The dragon waved at me with his claw. “Nice to meet you, Rick.”

I sighed and accepted the definition of insanity. “N-Nice to meet you too, Spike.”

Why did I just stutter?

The fangs stared at me intensely.

The fangs.

Oh.

“Hey, Spike, do you mind if we talk after we eat?”

“Sure,” he replied bluntly, waving a claw. He probably saw my expression, which was a cross between ‘about to post about my mid-life crisis on Facebook’ and ‘How I realized I was a virgin by looking at my own reflection: Part One, The Early Years’. “Don’t worry too much about us, Twilight only will bite you if she gets too anxious and Starlight will only bite if you took the last muffin off the table before she could.”

“What does that mean?” Twilight said, her voice full of grit, while she glared down at the dragon.

Starlight, on the other hand, simply shrugged. “I want to say something against that, but he’s not wrong. As long as you don’t take the last muffin, I won’t bite your hand off, Rick.”

I laughed. I laughed at Starlight trying to threaten me for taking a muffin. I laughed at my fang-fear that I had. I laughed at how I was stuck in a world that spoke English but had a fixation on making sounds that could halt a fresh out of the box Karen on her way to the manager’s office in seconds. I laughed at my misfortune for ending up here.

I had let it all out. I brought my arm to my face, wiping away a stray tear that had raced down my cheek. Man, was this one of hell of a day. Hopefully I can tackle this fear I had of Spike later because right now, my stomach was demanding me to chow down on whatever they were going to serve me, and I wasn’t going to deny it.

Hopefully they won’t talk too much over dinner…

...right?

Author's Note

For those who are worried this will go M rated with a sex tag, don't worry, I have no plans of that happening. Besides, porn is hard to write and I am way too lazy to write that, so you have nothing to worry about.

This has been a good exercise so far. I’ve been so rusty on my writing that as long as I keep this up, I can get back into writing my other projects. Going to keep these chapters bite-sized for now so I can become consistent. That way, when I move into writing longer scenes, it won’t be as intimidating. Hope my flow is better than the last chapter, since this wasn’t written in third person at first.

I want to address that the support has been really awesome for the story. Thank you for reading this story of mine. Without you all, I wouldn't have an audience to entertain while I de-rust. If you have any feedback, don't hesitate to post in the comments. Any feedback is better than none, even if it's from Mike White.

Fucking Mike White.

Have a good rest of your weekend, everyone!

Dinner's Served Best With Wingdings!

Author's Note

Imagine writing a shitpost and thinking you need to put effort in it.

I am very dedicated to the art of shitposting randomly.

Hope you all enjoy this chapter! Feedback is much appreciated as per usual. This might be the most random chapter yet. Have a great day/night, everyone!

Dinner's Served Best With Wingdings!

It was nice to finally leave that room for a moment. I had been locked inside with the purple psychopath for more than just a few hours. Thankfully, the pink horse that blinked in and out of existence and the purple menace came to my rescue, and they taught me a valuable lesson: do not underestimate their language. There were dialects in the absurdity they called Equestrian, let alone a completely different form of writing and speaking involved. It enticed me a lot, to the point of wanting to bring it up over dinner.

The question was: how? How could I do it without sparking a damn lecture again? I do not want to sit through another one of those. Maybe I could get Spike or Starlight to spark the conversation? Then, maybe, if I was careful enough, I could treat it as a normal conversation. My only roadblock was Twilight, since I wasn’t sure if her normal conversations were akin to ‘How I Edited My Painfully Strenuous Master’s Program Thesis on How Online Shooters Turn Twelve Year Olds Into Bonafide Racists’. There was only one way to find out.

I took my seat at the table. Spike was sitting across from me, while Twilight was supposed to sit beside me (My luck was as consistent as participating in the lottery for ten straight years and only having a dollar to show for it). Unfortunately, Starlight was going to sit diagonal from me, which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing so she could most likely give her mentor a stink eye from afar, and a curse because she had to also give me a stink eye due to the proximity of this all.

See, they were not sitting at one of the many tables at the library. No, none of those tables would do. Not in Twilight’s eyes. She had to make this a big spectacle. Not sure if this was a way to prove to me, for some reason, that their species were welcoming and absolutely filthy rich, or if she was trying to prove that she was absolutely filthy rich. She insisted on this while using her purple stuff (whatever that stuff was around her horn) to create our seating arrangements out of thin air. It was like she had yanked on the universe’s gaping back pocket to spawn the long crystal table that had blinked right in front of us. I thought that she was the only pony that could do that, but Starlight followed her up on that offer, charging her blue stuff out, creating chairs out of nothing to match the décor.

All the while, Spike and I looked on as if we were frozen in place. The only thing that wasn’t frozen was my poor jaw, which was hanging so low that the floor was tickling the hairs of my chin. Luckily for me, I was able to pick my jaw off the ground due to Spike nudging my calf like a toddler who lost his or her toy and was making sure his or her father knew about said lost toy.

I groaned when he did this, rubbing my lower leg. Claws, even when balled up into a fist, made an impact on my flabby flesh. I winced in slight pain, which made Spike ask me a slew of questions that ranged from ‘Did that hurt?’, ‘Did that actually hurt?’, and ‘Wow, are all humans this weak?’ This actually hit me in my chest region, mostly because his fist did another test to see if my chest was stronger. Thankfully, he was correct, since I barely felt anything. However, he misinterpreted my lack of breathing as a victory, simply because I was still recovering from being nearly asphyxiated by a runaway lunatic with a horn and a pair of wings.

Armed with the power of making someone go deaf and universe-defying abilities, Twilight was someone who could harm me both mentally and physically. Meanwhile, Spike could only semi-harm me physically. I wasn’t going to underestimate him too much, though. He had a really nice punch.

“Say, Spike?”

The dragon was the only one sitting at the table with me. Those two mares had told us to get some fresh air and to not go roaming around the castle, yet we stayed right in that very room after taking a few moments to breathe right outside captivity. Spike even had vouched for this ‘fresh air’ saying that we ‘wouldn’t go too far’. Twilight insisted on giving me a tour tomorrow to make up for it, because she didn’t know who else was visiting the castle. Not that it mattered to me, but the added bit of her not wanting to scare any other ponies with my appearance stung me. Does she think I’m ugly or something? She didn’t tell me. She just told me that her luck was similar to mine, citing that it could be possible that her family, their families, and their unborn families could all be visiting at once! Starlight hadn’t bought into that nonsense, tisk-tisking her mentor with, ‘Twilight, you’re either stressed or hooked on phonics.'

Actually, Starlight didn’t say that. She just said she was stressed out and needed to take a few deep breaths, but I imagine her brain was like that audiotape years ago, except with the addition of schizophrenia, obsession with earthworms, and an imaginary friend.

I derailed my train of thought when I saw Spike had perked up when he heard my question, his eyes peering gently up at me with a smile on his face. “Yeah? What’s going on, Rick?”

I returned the gesture, even though I felt my face doing a complete two-seventy. “You ever just think that there are way too many coincidences with this whole situation?”

“What do you mean?” Spike asked, his eyes boggled. “Like, with you and I talking or something?”

I nodded. “Yep! What is the probability of us speaking somewhat the same language?”

Spike tapped his claw to his chin, while propping his head with the other. “Uhh… not sure. It’s probably not that high though, if you’re going to have a mental breakdown over it.” He chuckled here for some reason. “If you do have one, let me know. I am an expert at handling mental breakdowns.”

Gave that dragon a bit of a smirk, before prodding him with my thoughts. “Why do you say that?”

“Well,” Spike began, smirking. “There are two different types of breakdowns. Twilight having an uncontrollable feeling that she’s being followed, and the shredding from Discord’s floating metal band whenever we play our D&D games.”

Shredding. The dragon said shredding. It sounded odd, even though he could shred me with his teeth in seconds. Yet he didn’t mean shredding as in tearing to bits. He meant shredding a guitar, nailing a signature riff, creating harmonies—all that existed here in a distant land.

Another strange coincidence. The similarities were astounding to me.

“That’s cool,” I said, my hand twitching to hopefully signal to him to prod further so I can jump out of my skin and gush about all those long-winded titles from the emo-punk bands from the early 2000s.

Instead, he let me down, as he rubbed the back of his head with his claw. “Y-Yeah it is.” He shook his head and looked down at his plate for a moment. “Sorry,” he muttered before glancing back up at me. “When Twilight said she found somepony completely different, I didn’t believe her. Then when I walked in… I had to contain myself. Not only are you an alien, but you’re interested in what I do?”

“Well yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked. I propped my head up with my arm, not because I was bored or anything. I was trying to keep myself contained too. Gotta sell it to him to get that conversation that’ll carry us until those two mares come back.

“It’s just,” Spike began, before he licked his lips and cast his gaze down at the centerpiece of the table. A group of flowers that had survived the kitchen, if I had to put it that way, along with a giant vase to keep them contained. The dragon’s sigh pulled me right back into the conversation as he voiced his retort, “You just got torn away from… wherever you were from, and now you’re interested in us without having a major meltdown?”

I sighed. “To be fair, I still am freaking out, you just don’t see it. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather enjoy this for what it’s worth before you guys somehow zap me back to where I was. Actually, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t zap me back to where I was exactly. I think I was in my living room re-enacting a tackle by a linebacker on da Bears. Either that, or I was being launched from my car because some douche canoe rear-ended me on the freeway. I don’t know, my memory has been a bit borked ever since I woke up. Was hoping Twilight would clear that up for me.”

Spike chuckled. “Re-enacting a tackle…? Sounds kinda like hoofball, but it’s not something I’m well-versed in due to being busy with all the friendship issues that I help Twilight and her friends with.”

“Hoofball?” I asked. Probably an equivalent to football. I couldn’t believe it. “All these coincidences and it’s still the first day. I don’t know how I’m going to wrap my mind around this.”

“Like I said, I’m surprised you haven’t had a mental breakdown yet,” Spike replied.

I shrugged. “Probably because I’ve been hard-stuck on how you all speak my language, when you all totally don't. I mean, you all have a completely different way of writing and speaking, which is totally different than what English is for me! How can you lump all of those noises with the English language?”

I felt like I was about to go cross-eyed as Spike’s eyes widened. “Wait, writing and speaking are different? What does yours look like?”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding towards the dragon. “Twenty-six letters to choose from, and they aren’t written like updated Egyptian hieroglyphics.” I chuckled at my own stupid joke that looked like it landed way behind Spike’s head. “You got a piece of paper and a pen I can write on?”

Spike smirked. “Yep!” He slammed a pad of paper and a pen on the table, making it rattle. “Always have to have some on claw just in case Twilight wants me to write a dissertation to Celestia on the intricacies of friendship again.”

“Common subject?” I asked as I reached out to grab the pad and pen.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Spike mumbled. He twiddled with his claws and leaned back in his chair. “I was used to it when I was writing letters about it, not training manuals.”

“Training manuals for friendship? I thought that was easy to do without reading a book.”

While I scribbled illegible letters of the alphabet in the notepad, I heard Spike groan. “You’d be surprised. Some ponies don’t get it. And that’s fine, it’s hard to get friends if you don’t know how, but why look at a book when you can just go out and meet ponies? It’s practically instinctual!”

“Maybe the instinct is what needs to be taught, Spike,” I said unconsciously as I wrote how the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

“You’re right,” Spike sighed, attempting to lean over to get a sneak peek of what I was writing. “Maybe that’s why everypony reads Twilight’s books. Another avenue towards making friends, right?”

I laughed. “Yep!” With that, I shoved the pen and paper towards Spike, who looked like he was completely and utterly frozen by the gesture, before he tilted his head and gasped.

“Whoa, Rick! This is what your English looks like?”

“Yep. All twenty-six letters. I even wrote a sentence for you that people always encounter when they’re learning how to type, which is a totally different can of worms that I don’t want to open up just yet.”

Spike whistled before he spoke, “I can see why you’re completely shocked by how we write, or well, how they write. Everypony has a different way of speaking depending on where they’re from.”

“A different way? So like how Starlight said she had a different dialect?”

Spike’s pearly whites showed, which made me both happy and absolutely terrified to see. “Yep! Except then it gets all thrown out the window when we add entire combinations of the language and—”

“Hold up, combinations?”

“Well, yeah! There’s the English and Prench version that Fleur speaks. Some of the nobles speak that too. And then there is the English Zebra combination that… well, it’s different. A good different. Like eating ice cream for twenty-four hours while watching Daring Do at max volume different.”

I blinked rather quickly at that one. “Daring Do?”

“It’s a pretty cool series from what Rainbow says, but that’s because she’s a super-mega fan of her.”

“You could say that again, Spike.”

Twilight’s voice completely threw our conversation into a tailspin. She had come out with our food floating in her sparkly purple stuff, while Starlight trailed from behind with a jug of what looked like water was in her blue floating grasp.

I must have been staring way too long at the stuff floating on the table, since Spike broke me out of my trance saying my name. “Rick? Rick? Why are you looking at them like that?”

“Uh…” my voice trailed off, trying to pick and choose my words carefully. I didn’t want them to think they looked ugly or something. “I’m just confused as to how they’ve been lifting things without having to use their hooves.”

“Magic,” Starlight said bluntly, which made my eyes boggle at what I heard. Magic? Next they were going to tell me that pigs flew and cows spoke in English too!

“Seriously?” I asked with a head tilt. “Magic?”

Twilight nodded as she set the food on the table. “Of course. How else would the magic of friendship exist?”

“Wait, you were being serious about that?! It wasn’t some play on words?!”

The three of them burst out into laughter. I didn’t know that’s what she meant! I thought it was frou-frou description to entice people into talking to each other!

I caught my heart racing for some reason, maybe because I was finally brought into reality. I was not meant to be here. If I stay any longer, I'll lose myself, and if one more thing just comes out of nowhere, I'll faint on the spot.

Clutching at my chest, I brought myself out of the conversation and into what was being placed on the table. Each dish looked extremely vegan: salad, breadsticks, pasta, a small cheese pizza, and some weird-looking soup thing. There were rocks floating around in it, but I couldn’t get to see what they were, as the rock soup floated away from me to be set right in front of Spike, who totally knew what it was and licked his lips.

I can’t believe I was here right now, as an empty plate encased in blue magic was set right in front of me. I needed to calm down. I needed to breathe.

I let out all that pressure built in me as I shook in my seat. I looked over to see the rest of them not focused on me, as they levitated other dishes this way and that, which made my sudden anxiousness blend into the backdrop. This was a great advantage, since I wasn’t going to get interrogated again. I was the one with the questions though, especially one for Spike, who hadn’t gotten anything else but that soup he was prepping to devour.

Letting go, I let out one final anxious breath and asked, “Spike? What are you eating?”

Spike peered over at me while his lips slurped the creamy-looking broth on his spoon. He set the spoon aside and smiled. “Cream of Sapphire Soup!”

“Cream of… Sapphire?”

“Yep! One of my favorites when I head to bed. Not going to lie, it’s an acquired taste for some dragons, but it didn’t take long for me to like it!”

I was about to say something here, but Starlight jumped in to steal the show. “Ember said that soup needed to be thrown in lava.”

The dragon glared at the mare, who promptly chuckled as she dug her fork into a bit of her salad.

Meanwhile, Twilight had levitated the salad bowl towards me during the entire foray, which I grabbed and gave her a nod. She smiled, and whispered ‘you’re welcome’. I gave her a thumbs up and went scavenging for my own food.

It took a few minutes with Starlight and Twilight’s help, but I managed to get what I wanted.

Now was the eating part… and hopefully nothing else happens—

“So, Rick.”

Of course.

“Yes, Starlight?” I asked, stabbing the salad on my plate with no remorse.

The mare had set her utensil aside and was wiping her mouth with a napkin. When she threw her napkin aside, she turned to me with a grin. “Twilight told me a lot about you.”

“Hopefully it was nothing but good things,” I said, which prompted Starlight to giggle behind her hoof. “Guess not?”

“Partially. It was a good mix.”

“Well, I’ll take my victories when I get them,” I said, chewing on my salad. It tasted… like salad. “This isn’t bad.”

“Good,” Twilight began as she gulped down whatever she had in her muzzle. “You said you couldn’t digest hay, so I went for the cabbage/lettuce combo. Looks like I was right?”

“Yep!” I exclaimed.

“Besides the hay thing,” Starlight interjected, leaving me to look at her again with a bit of… worry. “You had a few other little hiccups.”

“Hiccups?”

“Yeah. What’s the deal with the whole ‘coming here knocked out in the archives’?”

“Glad you asked! I was going to talk to Twilight about it, but if we’re going to address why my head felt like I got pummeled by a pack of rampaging bulls, then let’s discuss this.”

I chomped into another bite of salad, which prompted me with a burst of vinegar taste. I swallowed it down while Twilight began her tirade.

“See, I have a feeling I know why this happened, unlike last time with Derrick.”

This earned an eyebrow raise by more than just me, as Spike paused from eating his soup to give her a head tilt.

She spurred on though, as all three of us looked on while we ate. “Well, you see, Derrick just fell through the roof when he arrived. And that was a long time ago, back when we had the Golden Oak library. Even Starlight wasn’t here when Derrick was around.”

“How long was he here?” I asked.

Twilight hummed to herself in thought. “A few months. It’s still a mystery to all of us. One day, he disappeared. We never saw him again.” The mare sighed and set her fork aside. “Anyway, we’ll talk about him sometime in the future. For now, we need to talk about you, Rick. Unlike Derrick, you just teleported into the Castle’s archives without causing much damage to anything other than to yourself. Saved me about… 25,000 bits from the last time someone crashed into this castle.”

“Sounds like something Rainbow Dash would’ve done,” Starlight said with her mouth full of food. She quietly chomped the rest down before swallowing. “After all, she does have a track record.”

“Actually, Starlight, Twilight’s misremembering. The last one to cause that damage was me.”

Starlight snapped to Spike, who was uncomfortably shifted in his seat. I tilted my head at this. Unless he burnt down an entire section of the castle, there was no way he could’ve done that much damage.

“How did you—”

“Crash?” Starlight nodded, while Spike rolled his eyes and continued, “Remember those flaming hot gems you got me? Those ones in the bag?”

Starlight nodded… slowly. “Yeah… what about them?”

Suddenly she gasped.

Spike frowned. “I got indigestion so bad that night.”

I blinked. “There’s no way.”

The dragon twiddled with his claws once again. “Yep. Blew out the entirety of the castle’s toilets. And the sinks. And the stoves too, somehow. I wonder why those were hooked up to the plumbing, but…”

“So that’s why the chef I hired quit four months ago,” Twilight said, tapping her chin with a hoof. Was she going to completely ignore the fact that Spike just admitted to blowing up the castle with his a—

“Anyway, we keep getting off-track. Let’s try not to derail this conversation any further, hmm?”

The pony and the dragon nodded, while I just stared at my salad, wondering if I was going to get the same indigestion that Spike had.

“So, Rick here teleported into the archives. However, it wasn’t a normal teleport. Most unicorns have to use only a fair bit of energy from their horn to cast a normal spell. However, this energy that Rick had used was… alarmingly high. It was like he summoned an entire choir’s worth of magic and sent it into that one spell!”

“Does that mean Rick here can cast a spell?” Starlight asked, staring at me with malicious intent. Actually, it was more like she was wondering if I was actually sitting there, but I couldn’t tell. At this point, I was made a target, and I needed to make myself not look like a target.

“Well, I don’t know about that, Starlight,” Twilight replied. She pointed a hoof in my direction. “The fact that Rick didn’t even know what magic was would indicate otherwise.”

I rolled my eyes. “Magic wasn’t like what you all have. Back home it was more… fake. There were magicians that people would go to see tricks happen, but it was nothing but that. A trick. A gimmick. A way to show a cool party trick without having the party.”

“That sucks,” the three of them said in unison.

I snorted. “You all ever think that you’re one in the same?”

“Anyway!” Twilight yelped out, causing everyone except her to return back to eating their dinner plates. “If that’s the case, then no, he can’t cast any spells. Actually, when you wake up tomorrow, Rick, I will need to run some tests on you, just to make sure our magic isn’t going to mess with you at all. The last alien that we had kinda fizzled up into a magical death of sparkles and rainbows because we didn’t check to see if he was allergic to poison joke.”

“Poison joke?”

Starlight interjected before Twilight could even open her mouth. “It’s a flower that can change anything about you for a short while. It’s mostly harmless, but our resident alien decided to take a bite out of one. To most species in Equestria, you’ll get a bit of a stomach ache at the worst, or maybe a magical sneeze or two, but we didn’t take into account that the guy was an alien. We found out that his stomach did a complete 360 flip just a few minutes after taking it. We had to rush him to the clinic and well—”

Twilight sighed. “Things didn’t work out for him for long. We didn’t understand what he was saying most of the time anyway. Only Fluttershy could, and she was not happy when the creature had passed. We only had him for under a few hours.”

“Okay,” I said, taking everything in. I gulped down a slice of pizza, the cheese sliding down my mouth as if it was a capsule of diabetes. “So, should I be worried?”

Twilight smiled, which might be either a good sign, or me just asking a good question. “Good question, Rick!”

It was the good question one. Damn.

Horny continued, “You’ll most likely be fine. Derrick didn’t have any issues with magic, and if he did, he must’ve kept it to himself.”

Starlight frowned. “Wish I could’ve met that human.”

Twilight, once again, exhaled hard through her muzzle. “Well, to answer your main question, Rick, because of that spell of yours, it most likely caused you to gain momentum, which launched you square into one of my bookshelves.”

I tilted my head. “But how? I didn’t see any of your bookshelves broken whatsoever. I should’ve made at least a dent in that wooden one.”

“You didn’t hit that one,” Twilight said, smirking. “You hit one of the crystal ones.”

“Oh,” I mumbled as I held another piece of pizza in my hand. I chomped down on that slice, the sauce filling my mouth and the greasy cheese making me feel like I was devouring a Domino's pizza. “That explains the headache.”

“Wait, you have a headache?” Starlight asked.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty dull one. I just got to make sure I’m not squinting and I’m fine—”

Spike got out of his seat to look up at me. “Yeah, Twilight, that welt on his head doesn’t look the greatest.”

Twilight threw her forehooves in the air, once again. “I thought that was part of his appearance! Ugh,” she grunted here, throwing herself out of her seat to get a closer look at me. She squinted too, which made me squint and GAH— “Yeah, he looks like he did sustain some brain damage here.”

“Brain damage?!” I shouted. “Twilight, don’t tell me this is actually serious or I will—ack!”

Twilight clamped my mouth shut with her magic. It tickled my mouth like a feather rubbing up against my side. I was about to laugh at the sensation, but Twilight’s words filled my brain with all of the possibilities:

“You’re going to die.”

“I pulled an Uno reverse card, you’re actually the one with HIV, Rick.”

“✡︎⚐︎🕆︎ ☟︎✌︎✞︎☜︎ ❄︎☜︎☼︎💣︎✋︎☠︎✌︎☹︎ 💧︎☜︎✞︎☜︎☠︎📪︎ 👌︎☼︎✌︎✋︎☠︎ 👍︎✌︎☠︎👍︎☜︎☼︎📬︎ ✋︎ 👎︎⚐︎☠︎🕯︎❄︎ 😐︎☠︎⚐︎🕈︎ 🕈︎☟︎✌︎❄︎ ❄︎☟︎✌︎❄︎ 💣︎☜︎✌︎☠︎💧︎📪︎ 👌︎🕆︎❄︎ ✋︎❄︎🕯︎💧︎ 👌︎✌︎👎︎!”

Instead, all I heard was Twilight’s verdict:

“You may have a slight concussion.”

I sighed. “Better than what I was hearing. Jeez, I never want to hear that noise you made in my head ever again.”

Twilight tilted her head. Her ears were at attention when she asked, “What?”

“Yeah. It sounded like you were getting tortured in a back alley or something,” I said, shrugging. “So, should I go to the doc’s tomorrow? Maybe see if he can patch me up?”

Starlight smirked. “She could patch you up. However, Twilight, do you think we could just magick him all better?”

“Wait that’s possible?” I rattled off like a crazy auctioneer trying to sell a bottle cap that was totally not bit into.

Twilight sold me on that one. Ten golden nuggets (bits) were thrown onto the table. “Yep, however, like I said before, we need to make sure our magic isn’t toxic to you. It’s important for your life here in Equestria, that is, until we can find a way for you to return home.”

“Return home? You mean it’s possible?”

Twilight’s ears sagged as she spoke, “We don’t know if we can. However, I do know a few more time-bending spells that I didn’t know when Derrick was around. Maybe those will hold the key to your return home? Either that, or we may need to recreate how you got here in the first place. It’s a toss-up that I’m willing to experiment, if you’re willing, Rick.”

I stared at her. There was already a possibility of going home? It made my heart race even faster, if that was possible. I hope I don’t suffer a heart attack while eating the remaining food on my plate. “Twilight, if it’ll help me get home, then sure. Until then, let’s finish up eating dinner and—”

“But Twilight told me so much about you that I want to know more!” Starlight whined suddenly, which made me look at her in surprise.

I wish I hadn’t. She was acting like a dog, giving me those eyes that only men with no soul would not cave to. She had her hooves all curled up, begging me to tell her my secrets. Unfortunately for her, I wasn’t going to tell her anything I was uncomfortable with telling her, but I was terrible at resisting that look. My track record was currently 0-395 in that department.

I scooted my plate away from me and turned to her in full. “Okay, fine. But, let’s make sure it’s appropriate, though. Don’t want Spike over there to be scarred for life.”

The dragon groaned. “Why does everyone think I’m too young? I’m like… twenty in pony years!”

Twilight hummed to herself as she scooted her chair in. “That may be true, Spike, but you’re still a baby dragon, since technically, you’re not mature by dragon standards until you’re eighteen.”

“What? Since when?!” Spike growled.

Twilight blinked a book into existence and flipped through it without any second to breathe. She then stopped on a page, her eyes darting to and fro with immeasurable speed. She prattled off her decree, “‘Dragons have a much slower growth rate than what we previously had thought’, Dainty Scroll had told the Magical Inquirer. ‘We took a sample size of dragons that were willing to get stabbed by a large needle to conduct this experiment of ours. We were able to conclude that those who were older were actually around when the beginning of Equestria was formed. We presumed it was due to the clogging in their hemorrhoids, but we weren’t able to get accurate readings on that claim, since we were only there to measure magic readings, not life-threatening conditions.

“‘However, what we did find was astonishing. The magic essence that was in their systems was always fluctuating, meaning that the magic was holding them to a different rate of growth, essentially. This was our point of emphasis in our case study, which we compared to a pony’s magic reserves. Turns out that dragons keep a hold of their magic longer, hence this delay in aging, which, in turn also affects the maturity of dragons.’”

Twilight shut the book, crushing Spike’s hopes and dreams with an echoing SLAP of paper and dust.

“Noooooo!” Spike shouted. The pain of the virgin echoed in my ears, but that pain was realized fully as I too had that pain enlodged in me. Turbo Virginity did that to folks, especially professors in college. They were the pioneers of the process, and the beacons of sanctity as they trudged on in giving me, and the rest of my colleagues, the ability to resist the dreaded month of November.

Spike flopped onto the floor, giving himself what would’ve been a concussion too, but luckily, Twilight saved him from such a fate and allowed his spine to brace the impact, letting him reenact how a domino would fall on the ground.

“It’s okay, Spike,” Twilight cooed. She had bent down to check on the poor dragon, who looked like he had seen a ghost. “You’ll eventually be a very mature dragon that everypony will look up to.”

“Really?” Spike mumbled.

“Of course! Don’t the crystal ponies already look up to you?”

Spike let out a chuckle. “Partially. They all look down at me but give me compliments as if they were looking up to me. I don’t know if I deserve that much credit—”

“You totally do, Spike!” Starlight chanted. “Anyway, Rick, could we talk before you get acupuncture treatment tomorrow morning by Twilight?”

“Wait, when did I say anything about needles—”

I ignored whatever the hell Twilight was going to say right there and brought out my hand. “Sure. Just make sure you bring breakfast in tomorrow and we can talk about it after I wake up.”

“Perfect! I’ll have Spike help me create a great feast for us to share!” Starlight said, clopping her forehooves together while she squee’d.

Meanwhile, Spike just groaned. “Am I really the guinea pig around here?”

Twilight just smiled. “Yes, yes you are!”

It was a short while before we finished our dinner. Nothing else was said, since everything was needed to be said. Besides, Starlight postponed the whole gushing about what I said to Twilight until tomorrow morning, which made me spoon and fork the rest of my food with the speed of the gods.

I helped them clean up the rest of the table too, much to Twilight’s protests. She said I was the Royal Guest or something, like I cared about that. I was more focused on just getting out of the room and into a bed, as I was dead tired and really wanted to sleep. However, Twilight wasn’t having that either. She still wanted to make sure my concussion wouldn’t cause any more damage, which I agreed with her. So, she assigned Starlight as my ‘sleep aide’.

Guess that conversation was going to happen earlier than later.

As we walked into my new bedroom for the night, the door shut with a gentle click, leaving me and this mare alone.

I sighed and hopped up on the bed. Its plush comforts wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a winter day. I was tempted to shut my eyes, but Starlight had other plans.

She smothered me with a pillow, making me squirm and thrash like I was being strangled… wait, I was being strangled! I threw the pillow away from me, the blue hue no longer enrapturing it, which caused it to sail into the air and into the wall. It slid down the wall into a depressing looking lump.

I turned to Starlight, who was smirking at me. “What are you trying to do? Kill me?!”

The mare shook her head. “Nope! I have to make sure you don’t fall off into a deep sleep, and the best way to do that was make sure you were aware that you were losing oxygen! I mean, that’s what Twilight said worked best. She saw it happen!”

Panting heavily, I decided on whether or not I should pummel this mare into the ground. Fortunately for me, I was a patient human, one that was willing to let his anger sit by the wayside until it really mattered. She wasn’t trying to kill me. She was just trying to… keep me awake. Even if her methods were unorthodox and mirrored a serial killer doesn’t mean she wanted to kill me! Right?

Right?

I sighed and kept myself arched against the headboard. It was very uncomfortable, but I was afraid to ask Starlight for that pillow, since she practically smothered me with it not too long ago.

So, I played it cool and rolled my eyes. “Remind me to tell Twilight she is an actual psychopath.”

“Noted!’ Starlight yipped cheerfully. She trotted over to my bedside to give me a once-over before she chuckled. “Alright, I’ll let you be. I know I told you I was going to talk to you about everything tomorrow, and I know you want your rest.”

“Really? Now you’re going to let me sleep after you just tried to strangle me?”

The mare tilted her head. “All’s fair in friendship and war.”

“That is totally not how that phrase goes,” I said, booping the mare on her snoot.

Starlight just went cross-eyed, and her muzzle scrunched up like a spring getting sprung. “Please don’t do that,” she muttered.

Her sidelong glance looked contrary to what she just said. And… was she blushing?

I shook my head. “As long as you don’t smother me with a pillow again, we have ourselves a deal.”

She held out her hoof, which I snatched with earnest. We made our agreement, if our hoof-hand shake was anything binding. “Deal,” she said, giving me a soft smile.

She slowly backed up and rattled off a response. “Anyway, I better head out. Need to get some sleep myself. I’ll be here to wake you up bright and early!”

“Sounds good, Starlight!”

With that, the mare trotted out and quietly shut the door, leaving me to my own demise.

I hopped out of bed and quickly grabbed the pillow again. I fluffed it up and threw it on the bed before plopping into its comforts once again. I smiled and snuggled right into it, before shutting my eyes.

It shouldn’t be hard to sleep, right?

🎵 Don't Stop! Dreaming! 🎵

Author's Note

Interlude for the next chapter, but don't skip it just because it's an interlude. This is a very important chapter that'll come up later. :raritywink:

Oh, and obvious reference to Journey here. Guilty.

🎵 Don't Stop! Dreaming! 🎵

I woke up in that same room. The door was closed, yet the lights were on. The furniture was arranged the same. There was a chair set beside a shelf, with, who would’ve guessed, more books. A lamp hung gently beside it on a small little table. Beside that was another lamp, which was taller than even me, as it soared towards the ceiling.

Okay, maybe this room was not like it was before.

I blinked as I looked around. More of the room was whacky. Tiles were missing. Walls were practically floating. I think I saw my mother’s favorite Dish Network dish™ floating outside my window. Was this an amalgamation of my prior dreams with the unfortunate view of my current situation mixed in?

Slowly I hopped out of my bed. I trudged for the door, which winked at me for some reason before flying open like I was presented with a new car from one of those gameshows.

As I walked, more and more of the place began to fall apart. Chunks of the floor flew away as my feet touched them, while ponies spun around in circles like a Beyblade. I couldn’t believe how everything was so out of my control.

Then, I noticed something. The moon was out when it was daylight. That sometimes happened, but not when it was high noon. What the fu—

“I see you’ve seen through our ruse.”

Suddenly, the world fell back into shape before it disappeared, leaving me to fall endlessly into the void. I reached out to grab onto what was falling away, but it was way too late. As I fell and screamed my head off, I wondered who actually was talking to me. I didn’t see anyone around, and I was for sure not just hearing things—

“You’re right, you aren’t just hearing things. You actually are dreaming, and I just so happen to control this realm.”

Control this realm? Also why are you reading my thoughts?

“Because if I didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to communicate with me since I just took your mouth and fed it to a pack of timberwolves.”

I felt my face. Yep, I did not have a mouth anymore. Strange. What about the controlling of the realm bit?

“I am the Princess of this realm. I will not show you my form as I do not care to give you my presence.”

Yet you’re willing to talk to me?

“Yes, because you intrigue me enough that I should pay homage to the new resident human. After all, Derrick was such a fine example, and I suspect you should be too.”

You knew Derrick?

“Yes. Who wouldn’t? An alien with that was shorter than Twilight? Ah… he was such a great boy.”

What.

“Oh? Did you not know of that? Maybe you should ask Twilight, she would be happy to—”

I felt my cheeks sag. She said she wouldn’t tell me yet. Said I wasn’t ready for it.

“Fair enough. If Twilight refrains from partaking in subjecting another alien to the truth, then it would be her call to inform you, not I.”

Okay. Say, could you help me figure something out?

“You are employing my help, after all this?”

You haven’t done much to me, unlike Twilight and Starlight, who both went a bit stir crazy around me.

“Stir crazy? I do not know of this term.”

Batshit insane?

“⊘⋟ঞ⓿ ஞ⑥ ❺⑥❶ ④≽ঞ⑤?”

What the fuck did you just say to me you—

“Sorry, do you not know of the alicorn dialect?”

The alicorn dialect?

“Ah, well, Twilight must have kept that version under wraps. She mostly spits fire under the Ponyville native dialect. That mare. If only she would speak the tongues of her ancestors, then there would be no trouble in her path to becoming eternal!”

Spitting fire? Eternal? The heck are you talking about?

“Sorry, I must have stuttered, or I rambled on about the Preamble again. Which one was it this time?”

Neither. You just didn’t make sense.

“Oh, fair. You are a human after all.”

What’s that supposed to mean?

“It means several things, but the most important one of all is that you do not speak Equestrian—”

I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Equestrian and English spoken are pretty much the same and—

“Your thoughts do not deserve a proper response if you dare to interrupt me once more!”

My nose scrunched up at this one. I apologize, Princess…?

“Luna, but you may call me The Princess of Moon Pies.”

The what?

“Sorry, just call me Luna. Are you okay, human?”

I do not know. Am I supposed to be hearing you compare yourself to a… moon pie?

Hello?

…

She must be giving me radio silence—

Suddenly, the world turned into itself once more. The bed morphed first, then the furniture, then the door, and then the dish floating outside the window. It was all there, and I was back to being tucked into the bed. My legs were numb, and my arms felt like they were nailed to the headboard… minus the pain, of course.

The only difference that stood out to me was the pony staring at me. She was tall, wore a crown like Twilight’s, and was very blue, like the color of the midnight changing to black. It was… elusive, beautiful, and most importantly, very out of the ordinary.

Oh, and she had wings and a horn. Just like Twilight.

“So, I no longer will read your mind as I have returned your muzzle in exchange for your full attention. This is urgent, as I think you may have come down with the sickness.”

“OH WA-AH-AH!” I yelled, headbanging. I stopped myself as I realized that this was completely and utterly stupid to do, but hey, priorities always get in the way of my fun. I tilted my head. “Why do you say that?”

She glanced over me, her magic ballooning around my face like I was a territory meant to be conquered. Once she was done prodding me with her magic, she looked at me and sighed. “I hope you don’t hate bad news.”

“Princess Luna, if you don’t mind me saying, but I have had bad news ever since I’ve gotten here, so lay it on me.”

What I heard was what I didn’t expect.

“You may need to wake up for you to understand. Before you do, tell Twilight that you need her to wear her horn ring.”

“Horn ring?”

Luna opened her muzzle, only for her words to die in her throat, as the world around us began to shake. The alicorn yelped, the shaking sweeping her off her hooves. However, I wasn’t moving. I was stuck in place, unable to move my arms, my legs… my anything.

I wanted to reach out to Luna to save her, but I was helpless.

“Quick, there’s no time to explain!” Luna shouted, scrambling towards the bed. “You are about to wake up and—”’

Her words were cut off as the walls above crushed us.

Guess You Have To Put A Ring On It

I woke up to an empty room. It was still dead in the night. I don’t know why I got ejected out of dreamland like that, since I never got to even talk to the mare about anything. All she told me was that I needed to ‘put a ring on Twilight’ for whatever reason. Now, I’m just lying here, wondering why she even said it.

I mean, putting a ring on someone has many different implications. Was that mare telling me to marry Twilight? Or was there another reason that she couldn’t get to because the dream collapsed?

Maybe she was telling me to brood over her words. I needed to sit up first.

I forced myself up, my arms feeling like they were made of jelly. I groaned out of frustration, but thankfully the headboard was comfortable enough for me to lean on.

My mind drifted to everything that has happened so far. I was here, in a land full of horses that could speak. They called themselves ponies, and they had this princess that was a legit psychopath. Her friends were similar too in their behavior and mannerisms, but on varying levels (Spike being the most tame, while Starlight was the middle ground [she nearly suffocated me with a pillow]). Not to mention these creatures had different dialects of the same language like back home, except they were not speaking the same language at the same time. Wingdings weren’t meant to be spoken, at least from what I think. The Wingdings seemed to be effective when written, not spoken, but maybe I'm wrong here. They had specific purposes, mostly to convey emotions and thoughts more strongly, which is kind of what they do, except when spoken, the noises sound like someone’s stepping on a pet gerbil.

That definitely was a good way of summarizing the randomness that was my time in this world so far. But something still felt off. Was I not looking into this enough?

I mean, the fact that they were speaking in the same language as me is still confusing to me. How? Why? There was only a slight difference, and that slight difference made them sound like deranged lunatics that favored waterboarding over simple discussion.

I growled out in frustration. I felt like they waterboarded me with how everything has gone. They would be friendly for one moment, and then the next they would get aggressive. Like, why was Twilight pushing to get closer to me only to be distant in others? Hell, why was she so keen on keeping me hostage in her castle? Why was Spike sounding like he was okay with being a guinea pig when he’s a dragon? And why was Starlight trying to suffocate me with a pillow? I mean, they all explained it but... I don't get it.

Why? Why? Why?

I stared off into a corner of the room as my brain took tabs on the situation...

That corner of the room was a guaranteed prison sentence for me.

I had been stuck in bed staring at it for six fucking hours. It has gotten to the point that I know the exact degrees that the walls intersect at (it’s not a perfect perpendicular angle for some reason). I am worried that the wall will collapse just like it did in my dreams, but oh well. All I know was that these past six hours have been nothing but being stuck in my mind. I had been contemplating whether or not dealing with horses was a good substitute for sewer sliding.

I flicked off the sheets in anger and slid out of my bed. “Why can’t I sleep!?”

I groaned and sat down. Guess my only option is to wait for Starlight to walk in with our breakfast, since the sun was peering into my window and it was only a matter of time before she walked in.

“These ponies, man. I swear.”

I kicked my leg forward, hitting nothing but air. Now I really hoped Starlight would be here soon. I needed that food right now, even if it meant going through another bout of suffocation from a mare with questionable methods.

Looking towards the door, I uttered the one phrase that stuck to my tongue like ice on a pole during the winter. With a growl, it came out with grit.

“Motherfucker.”

“Who’s mother are you fucking?”

“Oh, no one’s but if I could I’d fuck...”

My voice trailed off as I caught sight of Starlight. I expected her to bring in our breakfast today in her magic or something, but instead, she wasn’t using her magic. She had opted to cart the food in for some reason. Not that I’m complaining, as what was in the cart was way more important. The cart carried the most stereotypical breakfast foods of the gods, minus the meat of course. They were horses, after all, so bacon, sausage, and other delicious meat-eating, carnivorous-endorsing foods were out of my grubby hands.

Still, everything looked and smelled wonderful.

I took in the smells that permeated throughout the room. This food was about to make me act up, but I kept my restraint as Starlight wheeled the cart to my bedside. She pulled a huge plank thing with a leg attached under each end, and set it on the bed. I helped her scoot it over closer to me, which made her tilt her head a tad, but she shrugged and kept her cool.

While the scent of the best food I’d probably have this week tempted me to grab all it myself, I really was curious and had to prod the mare a little.

“Morning, Starlight.”

I watched as she plopped my breakfast square in the center of the plank. She smiled. “Good morning, Rick! How are you holding up?”

Honesty was my best policy, even if it meant having to divulge what I had been thinking the past six hours.

“Pretty rough, not going to lie. Still can’t comprehend everything that has happened to me.”

The mare slid a cup on it, which was full of milk. “Do you want to talk about that while we eat today?”

“You haven’t eaten yet?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yep. I wanted to eat with you since, well, sharing food with a friend is better than eating alone, right?”

“Sharing food with a friend? Are we friends?”

The words escaped my mouth faster than I could grab them, which was the complete opposite of my entire life story up until yesterday.

Fortunately for me, Starlight looked like she was fine with it, even if her ears were standing up on end. “Of course we are! At least, that’s what I thought. Do we need to talk about that too?”

“Well, if you think we are, then I’ll go with the flow and—”

Starlight waved her forehooves out in front of me. “Nah, nah, homie. Friendship is like a two way street dawg. If we going to be fam, we finna fuck some shit up. Real shit, no 🧢, y’know?”

I blinked. “What did you just say?”

“♓︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♋︎⍓︎♓︎■︎♑︎, ♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎⬧︎♒︎♓︎◻︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❍︎♋︎♑︎♓︎♍︎. ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ □︎■︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ❍︎◆︎⌘︎⌘︎●︎♏︎ ♎︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎?”

“Starlight, you’re speaking in tongues again. Could I get a translator?”

Surprisingly, the mare let out a brief blow, followed by a whinny. She scuffed her forehooves against the floor, before sighing and rolling her eyes. “You know, maybe I should just teach you how to speak it.”

My eyes widened. “Teaching? How to sound like a motorboat exploding in real time?”

“Yes, whatever that means,” Starlight said. “If I teach you how to speak my dialect, then maybe it’ll help you understand me. After all, you are an alien.”

“A human, Starlight,” I said, stabbing the scrambled egg on my plate with glee.

“Right, right,” she muttered. She hooked herself up with a plate of her own food, before activating her magic, which sparkled like fireworks were going off around her plate.

I kept staring at those little exploding fireworks, wondering how Starlight’s magic worked. I mean, her and Twilight glossed over it enough to help me understand it, but it didn’t explain the realness of it, if that made sense. How does it work? How does it affect me? I don’t know how this stuff works. Magic back where I was from didn’t work like this. It was just a guise.

I blinked back into reality as I was greeted by her face once again, only it was full of shock. “Rick? What’s wrong?”

I wiped my face. I didn’t even know what to think, what to say, or what to do. All I felt was confusion, wondering why everything was so off.

Without saying another word, Starlight reached out to me, before turning her attention to the end of the bed. She hopped onto the bed, which made me frantically grab at the plank-thing to make sure I didn’t lose all my food she had just gotten me, while also making room for her to sit down with me. She promptly made herself at home at the end of my bed, her body curling like a slinky being left on its side.

Now that she was on the bed, I knew where this was going to go. She would want me to gush to her about why I thought everything was a bit of whack, so to speak. And, from what I’ve seen, she likes to talk.

I sighed.

Before I could open my mouth to say something, Starlight decided that the cart was no longer an important guest. Instead, she magically shoved it away, having it careening towards the corner of the room. It ceremoniously crashed into the lamp that was just minding its own business. Luckily, Starlight noticed her power was overwhelming, and grabbed the lamp before it could break into smithereens. With a bit of skill, she was able to fix the accidental disharmony she had caused, while also turning on the lamp. The already bright room was now just a tad bit brighter.

“Hehe,” Starlight began, her muzzle trying to feign embarrassment. “Sorry about that. Forget how strong my magic is sometimes.” She chuckled behind a hoof. “Besides, we can’t eat in the dark, can we?”

“It wasn’t that dark in here before…” I mumbled out. My voice was dry, but as I chewed and sipped on my milk, it started to get better. “As for anything that’s wrong… Besides not being able to sleep after having a dream of the century, I’ve been in my head as of late.” I looked into her eyes. “You’ve ever had that happen?”

The pone with the goods sighed. “Yeah. I get stuck a lot too. You’re not alone in that.” She paused to take a stab at her scrambled egg, only for her to gently cut into it. Coward. “Got stuck thinking about everything after Twilight offered me her friendship. I was like, ‘Why do I deserve this?’”

She took a moment to eat that piece of egg, which she chewed happily on.

“What did you do that made you think like that?”

She swallowed her food and frowned. “Well, I hope this doesn’t make you hate me.”

“Hate you? I mean, I was annoyed with you when you tried to strangle me to death but—”

“Strangle you? I didn’t do that,” Starlight said with a head tilt. She sipped a bit at her drink before plopping it back down. Licking her lips, she continued, “I just tapped you with the pillow. What…”

She was blinking rapidly, way more than I could. If what she’s saying was true, that means that something else was happening. Maybe I was right, maybe things were off—

Starlight’s sudden whiplash from her shaking her head told me otherwise. “We’ll figure out that later. Right now, it’s about you,” the mare said, pointing a forehoof in my direction.

I nodded. “Okay, so why—”

“Why do I not deserve Twilight’s friendship?” I gave her another, more chaste headbang, which spurred her onto continuing her sorrowful spiel. “Rick, it’s pretty bad. I basically enslaved an entire village for the sake of power. I used them for my own personal benefit. I made everyone equal by stripping them of their identities.”

“You stripped them of their identities? How so?”

The mare glanced over at her ass. “You see the mark there?”

I didn’t know if I was to say anything, so I just absent-mindedly bobbed my head.

“Great, because that mark was the key to removing their identities. It’s called a Cutie Mark. It’s part of growing up for everypony. It helps us figure out what we’re meant to do in life. My view was that if I took that cutie mark away, they would be equal. There wouldn’t be disharmony, only equality.”

I chewed on my food and her philosophy at the same time. “And the ponies who you ran into bought that?”

She hummed an affirmative, while also devouring her food too. “Yes. Looking back on it, I’m surprised they bought it too. But that’s not the point of this.” She sighed. “The point is that I was able to hurt so many ponies by telling them that what their cutie marks were was hurting them, when in fact, that destiny was part of what made them who they were. I ruined ponies lives by doing this, Rick. I made them hate themselves because I was selfish. How did I deserve forgiveness for what I did? You know how crazy this all is?”

“How crazy it is that you’re here now or?”

“Both, Rick. Both.” She swallowed a particularly huge bite she got before she spoke again, “I mean, do you really know how lucky I am to be here?”

“No, but from what you just told me, it’s pretty crazy that you are here.” I stabbed more of my food and shuffled it into my mouth like I was a Tonka truck dropping off some damn fine amount of dirt and gold. “Back in my world, you probably would’ve been tossed in a prison cell for eternity… or sentenced to death by any means necessary.”

Her eyes practically popped out of her skull. “Uh… wow. Guess I am lucky to be here, huh?” She smiled happily at me. “What’s even more crazy is that you’re here too. Speaking of, what are you thinking about? What’s keeping you up?”

I threw my arm into the air. “I don’t know. Mostly just what I’ve been thinking about since I got here. Why, out of all people, am I the one stuck here? Why was I the one that got suffocated by you? Why do you all speak the same language as me, but also murder it in a back alley?”

Starlight sheepishly smiled. “Well those are some pretty important questions—”

“And why this Luna character wanted me to marry Twilight and—”

“What?!”

The mare was completely and utterly shocked. Her eyes were about to roll out of her head like marbles being scattered after being dumped out of a bag, while her ears were standing at attention. I was afraid they were going to fly off her head.

“Isn’t that what ‘put a ring on Twilight’ means?”

Starlight nearly knocked her head off that neck of hers. “No! There’s something else that she meant there. Why did Luna tell you that?”

I tried to recall back to the dream, but it wasn’t as vivid as I thought it was. I still tapped my chin like I knew what I was doing, or whatever—it works for other people, right? Makes them look more sophisticated or something—Starlight stared at me, looking like she expected some type of answer.

Hope she didn’t hate me afterwards.

“I don’t particularly remember. Maybe I might’ve assumed, considering a horn ring may have a different meaning and—” I stopped to let Starlight cackle like a maniac. “Why are you…?”

She quieted down, and somehow, throughout this entire gigglefest did Starlight not spill a single damn thing. She wiped away a tear from her cheek, still trucking on that high called life. “I was laughing because you assumed immediately that getting told to ‘put a horn ring on Twilight’ meant marrying her!”

“Well what else am I supposed to assume? She didn’t tell me anything else before my dream disintegrated like my hopes and dreams!”

She nudged me with her hoof. “How about asking instead of assuming, silly.” She chuckled a bit. “Well, I can tell you that you don’t have to get married unless you want to.”

I snorted. “Real funny. So if it’s not to do that, then what did Luna mean?”

“Well, a horn ring can be used to nullify someone’s magic temporarily. As long as the ring is slipped on the unicorn’s horn, then it will not naturally leak out magic.”

“So your horn is like a magical leaky faucet?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “If that’s how you want to visualize it, then sure.” The mare turned and held her head low. “□︎◆︎❒︎ ♒︎□︎❒︎■︎⬧︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♎︎♓︎♍︎🙵⬧︎, ❒︎♓︎♍︎🙵...”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Nothing, Rick.” Her voice was as flat as can be. “Nothing at all.”

“Well, I’m glad, because I have no idea what you said.”

She gigglesnorted behind her forehoof. “Good. I’ll teach you sometime, but right now… I need to help you figure this out. Why would Princess Luna tell you to just randomly stick a horn ring on Twilight to nullify her—”

Suddenly, Starlight’s eyes widened. “Rick. I think I know why Princess Luna wanted you to get a horn ring.”

“Why?”

She slid over closer to me. “It’s going to help us figure out why everything is not as it seems, because, let’s face it, I know for a fact I only tapped you with a pillow. Something else is interfering with this, and if Luna says it involves a horn ring then…” Her muzzle scrunched up as her voice trailed off.

Without any warning, Starlight blinked away from my sight and reappeared right at the foot of her bed, her magic now capturing her empty plate and mug. “I’ll be back. Don’t move.”

“Are you going to take the—”

My words fell on deaf ears. She was already out the door.

The cart stood in the corner, looking like a pissed off inanimate object.

I sighed and finished my food in silence. Hopefully, whatever Starlight realized would help me out. I did not want to get strangled again.

Author's Note

Hope you all are enjoying this story! I've been seeing the comments range from positive to being absolutely confused. I hope this provides you all some more clarity. I hope you all will stick around to see this shitpost unfold!

Thanks for reading!

Magic Makes Strange Bedfellows

With her gone, my mind had begun to drag, and my heart whirred to a slow, rhythmic beat. Before, each thought was rampant like an angry ocean crashing against a coastline. Now, the only feeling I had bubbled like a very long-winded boil. I stayed upright, yet propped up against the headboard of my bed, once again wrangling with the world around me. My fingers re-enacted the mental gymnastics of my mind as they danced together in a constant lull that helped cultivate distance between me, the world around me, and the door that had been flung open, which was thankfully closed for the time being. It gave me time to shakily breathe in the noise, one that whisked forward like that boiling pot of anxiety, as white clouds fizzled into nothing.

Why? Why was I like this right now? A mess of words that I normally don’t use? Anxiousness was to blame for this one, mostly because Starlight had become a permanent resident in my mind, living rent free like your average every-day redditor, who lives in his mom’s basement well past the age of forty.

Something else is interfering with this...

What did she mean ‘with this’? With me? With us? Our interactions?

I felt my anxiety burst as it crawled up my spine and into my brain, where it took my thoughts and scribed them on a page:

I know for a fact I only tapped you with a pillow.

I only tapped you with a pillow.

I only tapped you.

You’re a virgin if you think I’d tap you and—

Wait, Starlight didn’t say that, because if she did, I’d have to do the sign of the cross while reciting my Hail Marys.

As if on queue, the door magically creaked open. It only was open enough for the expectant pink fur ball with a horn to peer her muzzle in like a groundhog poking its head out of its hidey-hole to check the weather.

“Rick, are you alive?”

I took a deep breath and frowned. “Unfortunately. I live in a constant state of existential dread and—”

My words were derailed as the mare slinked back behind the door, quietly shutting it with a rather anticlimactic click. I sighed very briefly, wondering if I just escaped Equestria’s version of hell. Once again, my thoughts were SLAMMED with the sound of a door literally shattering against its frame. The noise reverberated in my ears, and I was helpless to it. I closed my eyes and held my hands over my ears, yet I could still get lost in the echo, rendering my hands useless.

Then, as quickly as it came, it had left just the same, leaving me to take my hands off my ears to check if I could still hear.

“Sorry,” Horny said. “Magic malfunction.”

I opened my eyes again. The door was somehow not in pieces as Starlight returned with Twilight in tow. The two mares gave me some space, venturing to the end of the bed before plopping down on their keisters. Their glares burned this moment into the retina of my eye, the damage breaking through my cataracts with complete disregard for personal property, yet they treated it like this was normal, like nothing was wrong with this situation.

I blinked away the pain, before closing my eyes. The burning sensation began to fall away, and it left me no choice but to open them again.

So I did.

Their glares were no longer bearing down on me. They had disappeared, both replaced with mirrored expressions of worry.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” I said, stuttering. I cursed myself inwardly, wondering how I could let that anxiousness slip, but I didn’t want them to think otherwise, so I added on, “Just worried about what you’re thinking, Starlight.”

“Oh. Well, let me elaborate, then,” the mare began. She huffed out the exhaust in her throat. ‘“You know how yesterday you told me about your dream and how the only thing that stuck out to you was that ring Luna told you to put on Twilight’s horn?”

I nodded… slowly. “Yes, why does that—”

She threw a hoof in my direction, and waved me off, effectively saying ‘shut up for a sec’. “It matters, Rick, because it’s not exactly about Twilight. I think it’s about just us in general.” She gave me a soft smile. “You know how you’re an alien, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Aliens are not prone to what we have, just like if I was an alien in your world, you would think that hearing ‘♌︎♏︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ♋︎ ♌︎♋︎♎︎ ♋︎♍︎⧫︎□︎❒︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ♋︎ ♐︎♓︎♐︎⧫︎⍓︎📫︎♐︎♓︎♐︎⧫︎⍓︎ ♍︎♒︎♋︎■︎♍︎♏︎ ♋︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎□︎⧫︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎⬧︎♏︎●︎♐︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♐︎□︎□︎⧫︎’ is a bit weird, right?”

I blinked. “Well, in general, that sounds like you just drank five gallons of gasoline with a bit of charcoal to salt the rim and you were reciting your own Miranda Rights before you eventually—”

“Great! Uh—I mean, I’m glad that you think that’s weird, Rick. Point being is that, since you’re so unfamiliar to our world, you are very susceptible to the Harmony surrounding us.”

“I don’t get it,” I said with a shrug. I scooted a bit closer to the two, the sheets wrinkling as I slugged forward. “What does sounding like a straight-to-DVD Pitch Perfect sequel have to do with this?”

“What?” Starlight groaned, facehoofing. “Harmony isn’t whatever that is! It’s… a fickle thing. It’s an entity that helps guide everypony, and it gauges how often we listen to it, or rather if we listen to it at all. That’s why Twilight is an Element because she buys into harmony more-so than others—not that those that do in that same level of adoration do not deserve the right to be an Element but—”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “What Starlight is trying to get at is that the Elements of Harmony chose me and my friends to bear them. They had given Celestia the opportunity to choose, but she ultimately listened to them and had each Element given to us, Rick.”

I felt my body chill at the sound of Twilight’s voice stuttering over my name. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “I can get that. I mean, you didn’t choose the Harmony life; the Harmony life chose you.”

Twilight gave me a bright smile. “Exactly! See, Starlight! I knew Rick was smart!”

I blinked away my hopes and dreams to register that one. Was she calling me dumb? I sighed. “Okay, so how does Harmony’s version of ‘BMT’s Gangsta Life’ relate to me?”

Starlight’s horn suddenly burst into color as a blue flame danced before my very eyes. It drifted ever-so-cautiously to the cart, before it went behind it, never to be seen again. Or so I thought, as it overwhelmed the cart. It dragged it toward the mares, before stopping just behind them. Starlight turned around and looked inside, her muzzle looking into what probably was the cold remains of breakfast.

She shocked me when she pulled out a ring.

“But—”

“Magic trick. See StarSwirl’s Beginners Guide to Magic: Volume One for the juicy details. Not that you’d be able to read it. It’s written in Equestrian.”

I rolled my eyes. “Very funny, Starlight. It’s written in your version of English, which looks like someone who was drunk out of their mind tried to recreate the Egyptian Hieroglyphics with nothing more than an Associate’s in TikTok Dance Theory, but failed immensely.”

“Egyptian what? And what’s this about ticks? How does that relate to dancing?!”

Twilight’s little questioning session fell on deaf ears, because I was not wanting to go into human history just to make sure she laughed. “Nothing, Twilight.”

“Oh,” she said softly as her muzzle wrinkled in time.

Her ears fell splayed against her head, and Starlight couldn’t give any care to her friend. She was too busy sliding the horn on her own head and—

“Wait, why are you putting it on your head? You still haven’t explained why this correlates whatsoever!”

I pointed a finger at her and watched as she just gave me a grin. A cute one, not one that creeped me out like Twilight beside her, who had her head hung low, and her lips curved downward into a frown. I felt like I needed to cheer Twilight up somehow, but Starlight was about to say something, so I focused my attention on her.

“Since you’re not from here, you don’t know that magic becomes part of us. We absorb it every day.”

“You absorb it? What are you, a walking solar panel?”

“That depends. What does a solar panel do?”

I rolled my eyes. “Absorbs the sun’s light to create electricity, essentially.”

Starlight tilted her head. “Really? You can do that?”

“How are you shocked by that when every single pony on this planet is an embodiment of that concept!”

“Figuratively, yes,” Twilight butted in, her voice sounding like she had just lost her puppy. Her words whispered anxiety through a funnel that tickled my ears. “But we don’t conduct magic, Rick. We just use it.”

Starlight turned to her friend, and shook her head. “That’s a good point, Twilight. Why didn’t I think of that?”

Through the softness of sadness came a crack in the façade: a soft smile that drifted toward Starlight and I like a faint reminder of what could’ve been. “That’s because you were an alienated delinquent who was hyped up on communism and snorted pixie dust, Starlight.”

“Exactly, Twilight! I am hyped up on equality. Aren’t you?”

The mare shook her head.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but scratch my head. What the fuck was happening here?

“Uh… what are you two talking about?”

Starlight raised a brow. “What do you think Twilight said, Rick?”

“She just said you were an alienated delinquent that’s hyped up on communism and pixie dust.”

As those words left my mouth, I kept my eyes glued to the two mares. Twilight looked absolutely miserable. Her eyes were widened, her gaze darted to-and-fro. Her mane looked suddenly out-of-whack, like someone went up to frazzle her hair and make it look like a pigsty. Her wings were sagged next to her, while her lips licked up nothing but the dryness of the room.

“I didn’t say that, Rick!” Twilight said, rattling off the words. “I said she was focused on making ponies equal, not anything that you just said!”

While Twilight made her point clear, Starlight, on the other hand, looked like she was a bit worried. She didn’t capitalize on that worry though, only sparing a glance at the disgruntled friend. Starlight only sat there, only sparking her horn enough to let a little blue essence flow.

I sighed. “Twilight, I’m glad. Because if you were trying to say anything else, I’d get a bit worried too and—”

I shut my mouth when I saw another ring blink into existence and slide right down Twilight’s horn.

It was like night and day. The depressed view of Twilight was replaced by a more, happier version of the alicorn. She wasn’t looking lost anymore, only puzzled. She also wasn’t looking like a mess, her mane not in a state of emergency any longer. What the heck happened?

“You’re probably wondering what the heck happened.”

I bobbed my head rapidly. “Do you read minds or do you just live in them rent free?”

“Actually, I just sell them on the market,” Starlight said with a sheepish smile, before she giggled to herself. “Look, have I done anything super weird this entire conversation?”

“Not exactly. I mean, you kind of do stuff a bit spontaneously but I’m not going to judge.”

“That’s because she’s like me, Rick. We’re pretty similar in that regard, although she doesn’t plan nearly as much as I do. Meticulous testing and reporting leads to discovery,” Twilight said with a smirk.

“Exactly, except you’re the only pony in Equestria that I know would fit the dictionary definition of meticulous, Twilight.” The two mares giggled away, leaving me to stare at them like I was a deer in headlights. Starlight was the first to calm down, giving her full access to the floor. “Anyway, let’s not get off track. Rick’s health is important here, and if there’s one thing you taught me, Twilight, is that we need a pinch of friendship to make any hypothesis worthy to test. Just make sure to grade me accordingly if you feel inclined.”

A burst of purple stuff exploded an inkwell and its partner into existence, while a pad of paper floated into the room. They hovered in front of Twilight as she smiled at her friend. “Starlight, I thought you’d never ask. I’ll make sure not to curve it this time, since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity where I’m asked to grade something. Not to mention that curving grades are only for Calculus classes, so I’d rather be more accurate and give you my criticism would be printed in triplicate. Sounds good?”

I sighed as I tried to unhear Twilight’s teacher-isms. “Sounds… great, Starlight. I’ll leave the grading to Twilight, though.”

She smiled at the two of us before she began, “Ponies naturally possess magic, meaning that they can do whatever they want with it, whenever they want with it. It’s pliable to us, while to Rick, it kinda stays there and bubbles up. You are able to absorb it somehow, Rick, except you can’t use it because you don’t have the attributes necessary to utilize it. This all ties into my hunch that you are experiencing possible symptoms of magic overload.”

“Magic overload?”

Starlight frowned. “Let’s just say, you’d most likely explode from the magic inside of you if we don’t get it out of you… in…”

Twilight hummed to herself, scribbling whatever she was scribbling onto the page. She, then, set it aside and said energetically, “One week!”

…

“What?!”

My lungs felt on fire as I screamed out that word. My heart was racing. My head was spinning. The room felt so much smaller. I looked like someone who’s seen some shit, heard some shit, left a shit in a toilet and forgot to flush, and an all-encompassing view of what the word ‘shit’ is in the dictionary—I was shitting myself and was not proud of it.

I scooted back the headboard again, wincing as pain slammed into my spine. “Am I going to die?”

Starlight shook her head. “If you keep doing that, you might! But, no, not exactly. All we need to do is find a way to test this hypothesis and find out whether or not you’re actually experiencing this. We just need a control group and an experimental one.”

Twilight tapped her chin. “Maybe Starlight and I could be the experimental group, while…” The mare’s eyes bugged out when she gasped. “While my friends could be the control group!”

The mare trotted in place all cutely as she squee’d high enough to crack my eardrums.

“She gets really excited when somepony offers her the ability to practice science,” Starlight put it lamely. She rolled her eyes at her friend’s antics, only to shake the hyperness out of the alicorn.

Twilight looked like she saw stars above her, her eyes spinning in her noggin. She shook her head to reset them, which cost her balance, her hooves giving out to make her lay splayed on the ground. I creeped close to the edge of the bed and looked over to get a better view, only to see that she was looking up at me, giggling to herself.

“I probably look really stupid right now.”’

“Yeah, yeah you do.”

“☠︎⚐︎ ✡︎⚐︎🕆︎, ☼︎✋︎👍︎😐︎!”

“Translator?”

Twilight just neighed at Starlight, which prompted the pink mare to sigh. “It’s not important. Just know that she’s not thrilled by your answer.”

I chuckled and propped myself up. “So, let me get this straight. I am basically absorbing magic without being able to control it.”

“Yep. And we don’t know how much you’re absorbing, but judging by how you came into Equestria, along with all the other variables we will have to test…” Starlight’s voice trailed off, looking over at her friend, who was smirking like she knew something again.

And as soon as I thought that, Twilight let it rip. “You are probably full of magic, which is why the week estimate I provided wasn’t too far off. We’re going to need to help you find a way to fix this, and fast. Luckily for you, I could easily persuade my friends to help, since they really want to meet you anyway. I hope Pinkie isn’t going to be disappointed since we’re not going to be able to get a party for this one, especially since we’ll need to put them in this room one-by-one to make sure you don’t overload yourself!” Twilight chuckled to herself. “So I’ll try to get my friends and—”

“Twilight, are you sure we should do this experiment here?” Starlight asked, her head tilted a bit to the right.

Twilight mirrored Starlight’s expression. “What do you mean? Of course we can! It’s perfect because it’s away from everypony in the castle, meaning that nopony would just stumble in here unless they knew Rick was in here. Plus, we can easily set this room up for testing. We’ll try to minimize the amount of magic we use around you for now, Rick. Hopefully we’ll find a solution soon so you don’t die!”

All I could hear was the ever-emo music of fate in my ears as I slapped myself silly.

How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes...

Author's Note

Thanks to FamousLastWords for editing the chapters once again! :)

"This is what anxiety sounds like."

See you next week. ;)

A Cold Heart Covered in Gold

Author's Note

Hello again. Sorry in advance for all the wingdings lmao.

For the readers, I have put together translations for all the wingdings. For mobile users, these are going to show up as boxes, and I need to discuss with admins on how I can make this more legilable for you folks.

Anyway, translations in spoilers, numbered by when they appear.

Full of Rainbows

I︎ a︎m︎ s︎o︎r︎r︎y︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎ h︎a︎v︎e︎ t︎o︎ d︎e︎a︎l︎ w︎i︎t︎h︎ m︎e︎. I︎'︎m︎ u︎s︎u︎a︎l︎l︎y︎ n︎o︎t︎ l︎i︎ke︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎, b︎u︎t︎ t︎o︎d︎a︎y︎ w︎a︎s︎ t︎h︎e︎ w︎o︎r︎s︎t︎. I︎ f︎e︎l︎t︎ l︎i︎ke︎ I︎ w︎a︎s︎n︎'︎t︎ m︎e︎. I︎ w︎a︎s︎n︎'︎t︎ i︎m︎p︎o︎r︎t︎a︎n︎t︎. I︎t︎ w︎a︎s︎ a︎l︎l︎ a︎b︎o︎u︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎. I︎'︎m︎ s︎o︎r︎r︎y︎ I︎'︎m︎ je︎a︎l︎o︎u︎s︎. I︎ c︎a︎n︎'︎t︎ h︎e︎l︎p︎ i︎t︎ t︎h︎o︎u︎g︎h︎. Y︎o︎u︎ d︎o︎n︎'︎t︎ kn︎o︎w︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎, s︎o︎ I︎'︎m︎ s︎o︎r︎r︎y︎. Y︎o︎u︎'︎r︎e︎ a︎w︎e︎s︎o︎m︎e︎.

W︎h︎y︎ d︎o︎e︎s︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ a︎l︎w︎a︎y︎s︎ h︎a︎p︎p︎e︎n︎ t︎o︎ m︎e︎... I︎ d︎o︎n︎'︎t︎ w︎a︎n︎t︎ h︎i︎m︎ t︎o︎ h︎a︎t︎e︎ m︎e︎. P︎o︎n︎i︎e︎s︎ a︎l︎r︎e︎a︎d︎y︎ d︎o︎.

I︎ m︎e︎s︎s︎e︎d︎ u︎p︎ a︎g︎a︎i︎n︎.

The name's R︎a︎i︎n︎b︎o︎w︎ D︎a︎s︎h︎, or R︎D︎ f︎o︎r︎ s︎h︎o︎r︎t︎.

M︎y︎ f︎r︎i︎e︎n︎d︎s︎ a︎n︎d︎ I︎ a︎r︎e︎ E︎l︎e︎m︎e︎n︎t︎s︎ o︎f︎ H︎a︎r︎m︎o︎n︎y︎. W︎e︎ h︎e︎l︎p︎ o︎t︎h︎e︎r︎ p︎o︎n︎i︎e︎s︎

S︎h︎e︎'︎s︎ the P︎r︎i︎n︎c︎e︎s︎s︎ o︎f︎ F︎r︎i︎e︎n︎d︎s︎h︎i︎p︎. A︎n︎d︎ s︎h︎e︎ u︎s︎u︎a︎l︎l︎y︎ asks us to save t︎h︎e︎ r︎e︎s︎t︎ o︎f︎ E︎q︎u︎e︎s︎t︎r︎i︎a︎.

A︎p︎p︎l︎e︎ja︎c︎k m︎a︎ke︎s︎ m︎e︎ h︎a︎p︎p︎y︎, a︎n︎d︎ I︎ h︎o︎p︎e︎ I︎ c︎a︎n︎ m︎a︎ke︎ h︎e︎r︎ h︎a︎p︎p︎y︎ f︎o︎r︎ t︎h︎e︎ r︎e︎s︎t︎ o︎f︎ m︎y︎ l︎i︎f︎e︎.

t︎h︎e︎ b︎e︎s︎t︎ t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎'︎s︎ e︎v︎e︎r︎ h︎a︎p︎p︎e︎n︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ m︎e︎.

P︎i︎n︎ki︎e︎ P︎i︎e︎ h︎a︎s︎ h︎e︎l︎p︎e︎d︎ m︎e︎ b︎e︎c︎o︎m︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ m︎a︎r︎e︎ I︎ w︎a︎n︎t︎ t︎o︎ b︎e︎. S︎h︎e︎'︎s︎ g︎i︎v︎e︎n︎ m︎e︎ a︎d︎v︎i︎c︎e︎ o︎n︎ h︎o︎w︎ I︎ s︎h︎o︎u︎l︎d︎ h︎a︎n︎d︎l︎e︎ A︎p︎p︎l︎e︎ja︎c︎k, w︎h︎i︎l︎e︎ a︎l︎s︎o︎ b︎e︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎h︎e︎ b︎e︎s︎t︎ f︎r︎i︎e︎n︎d︎ I︎ n︎e︎e︎d︎e︎d︎ i︎n︎ l︎i︎f︎e︎. I︎'︎m︎ s︎o︎ g︎r︎a︎t︎e︎f︎u︎l︎ f︎o︎r︎ h︎e︎r︎, a︎s︎ w︎i︎t︎h︎o︎u︎t︎ h︎e︎r︎, I︎ w︎o︎u︎l︎d︎n︎'︎t︎ b︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ m︎a︎r︎e︎ I︎ a︎m︎ t︎o︎d︎a︎y︎.

F︎l︎u︎t︎t︎e︎r︎s︎h︎y︎ i︎s︎ t︎h︎e︎ o︎n︎l︎y︎ o︎n︎e︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ c︎o︎u︎l︎d︎ r︎e︎l︎a︎t︎e︎ t︎o︎ m︎e︎. S︎h︎e︎'︎s︎ h︎a︎d︎ m︎y︎ b︎a︎c︎k s︎i︎n︎c︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ b︎e︎g︎i︎n︎n︎i︎n︎g︎. O︎n︎e︎ o︎f︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎t︎r︎o︎n︎g︎e︎s︎t︎ p︎o︎n︎i︎e︎s︎ I︎ kn︎o︎w︎. N︎o︎ o︎n︎e︎ i︎s︎ c︎o︎o︎l︎e︎r︎ t︎h︎a︎n︎ h︎e︎r︎. W︎e︎l︎l︎, e︎x︎c︎e︎p︎t︎ A︎J︎. I︎f︎ I︎ d︎i︎d︎n︎'︎t︎ s︎a︎y︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎, s︎h︎e︎'︎d︎ p︎r︎o︎b︎a︎b︎l︎y︎ m︎a︎ke︎ m︎e︎ s︎l︎e︎e︎p︎ o︎u︎t︎s︎i︎d︎e︎ f︎o︎r︎ t︎h︎e︎ r︎e︎s︎t︎ o︎f︎ t︎h︎e︎ y︎e︎a︎r︎.

M︎y︎ f︎r︎i︎e︎n︎d︎ R︎a︎r︎i︎t︎y︎ w︎a︎s︎ s︎o︎m︎e︎o︎n︎e︎ w︎h︎o︎ I︎ h︎a︎d︎ t︎o︎ g︎e︎t︎ u︎s︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎. W︎h︎e︎n︎ I︎ r︎e︎a︎l︎i︎z︎e︎d︎ s︎h︎e︎ w︎a︎s︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎o︎ l︎e︎n︎d︎ o︎u︎t︎ a︎ h︎o︎o︎f︎ a︎n︎d︎ a︎ h︎o︎r︎n︎ ju︎s︎t︎ t︎o︎ h︎e︎l︎p︎ s︎o︎m︎e︎o︎n︎e︎ i︎n︎ n︎e︎e︎d︎, t︎h︎a︎t︎ w︎a︎s︎ a︎l︎l︎ I︎ n︎e︎e︎d︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ l︎o︎o︎k u︎p︎ t︎o︎ h︎e︎r︎. S︎h︎e︎ l︎o︎v︎e︎s︎ m︎a︎ki︎n︎g︎ d︎r︎e︎s︎s︎e︎s︎ f︎o︎r︎ e︎v︎e︎r︎y︎o︎n︎e︎ t︎o︎ t︎h︎e︎ p︎o︎i︎n︎t︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ s︎h︎e︎ t︎r︎i︎e︎s︎ t︎o︎ m︎a︎ke︎ m︎e︎ w︎e︎a︎r︎ t︎h︎e︎m︎. T︎h︎e︎y︎’︎r︎e︎ c︎o︎o︎l︎ s︎o︎m︎e︎t︎i︎m︎e︎s︎, b︎u︎t︎ t︎h︎e︎y︎ m︎a︎ke︎ m︎y︎ w︎i︎n︎g︎s︎ i︎t︎c︎h︎.

R︎i︎c︎k, c︎a︎n︎ y︎o︎u︎ h︎e︎a︎r︎ m︎e︎?

O︎h︎ C︎e︎l︎e︎s︎t︎i︎a︎, h︎e︎ can't hear m︎e︎! W︎h︎a︎t︎ d︎o︎ I︎ d︎o︎?!

I︎ n︎e︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ g︎o︎ g︎e︎t︎ T︎w︎i︎l︎i︎g︎h︎t︎! H︎e︎'︎s︎ l︎o︎o︎ki︎n︎g︎ r︎e︎a︎l︎l︎y︎ r︎e︎a︎l︎l︎y︎ p︎a︎l︎e︎. I︎ d︎o︎n︎'︎t︎ r︎e︎m︎e︎m︎b︎e︎r︎ h︎i︎m︎ l︎o︎o︎ki︎n︎g︎ l︎i︎ke︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎!

With this finally being put together, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Really appreciate all the feedback thus far!

-Soaring

A Cold Heart Covered in Gold

“Your hint is ☞︎🕆︎☹︎☹︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ☼︎✌︎✋︎☠︎👌︎⚐︎🕈︎💧︎!”

Part of me wanted to really understand this, but another part of me wanted to relax, and take heed of the amount of unexplainable gurgles and grunts that Starlight made while trying to say whatever the hell she said. They played back in my head without me even pressing the play button, and my mind only drifted with it living rent free in 120 decibels. I don’t know how a horse could make such sounds, but yet again, they weren’t normal ones. They could speak my language, while also speaking their own ‘dialects’. Magic-influenced or not, this was my new reality.

I opened my eyes. Some time had passed, if the clock chiming as fast as rabbits multiplying had anything to say about it. I felt groggy, my eyes lazily resting half-open, while my arms laid limp by my sides. There was no pain present, only remnants of what was once pain, a slight dull one that remained until just recently. I wouldn’t even call it a true dull pain, just a light bit of pressure on my skull, and it has stayed behind to just annoy me while I was resting my eyes. A solid two on the scale at best.

I moved my right arm. It was numb. Probably because I laid on it again after rolling over like a moron. Ergo, guess I’m waiting another five to ten minutes just to let my arm come back to life.

I slowly brought myself off the bed and sighed. I adjusted myself then and there, making sure I didn’t drool all over my chin and whatever else. After making sure my shirt was aligned and the wrinkles weren’t too abundant, I turned and made sure the bed didn’t look like it was completely torn to shreds.

Once I was done with all that, I readied myself for the end of days and—

I stopped myself. A distant sound of clicking and clacking was right outside my door. Could they be hoofsteps? Was this her? Or was this Starlight or Twilight checking in on me again?

I did my best to try and not look like a shocked still-image of the Mona Lisa, but my legs were not cooperating and my mind was racing with the thought of there still being a possible drool trail on the right side of my mouth. Gross.

Luckily, my train of thought was derailed by a few swift knocks to the door.

“Rick?”

A new voice greeted me. She sounded completely different than the rest. Very scratchy, like sandpaper, but more enjoyable than sandpaper.

“Yes? WhO iS iT?”

I tried to replicate that stupid sing-a-long version of the question, but my voice went off-key, sounding like I couldn’t hit those notes in Never Gonna Give You Up.

I could hear her cringe behind the door, and she groaned. “It’s Rainbow Dash. Could I come in or are you still ‘resting your eyes’ or whatever?”

I cleared my throat. “Yep, just make sure you shut the door on your way in.”

I kept my eyes glued to the door and watched as it swung open. The mare of the day walked in, her eyes latching onto mine, and I couldn’t help but watch as she walked in. Her confidence was radiating radioactive waste to the point that I mistook her for a nuclear warhead.

I blinked. The door was closed, the clock stopped speaking, and my mind was wiped like a 24-man alliance raid that had no understanding of basic mechanics.

She looked at me, her muzzle scrunched a tad, and her head was tilted enough that I jolted back to reality.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded dumbly. “Yeah. Sorry, you shocked me.”

“Shocked you? I mean I do that to everypony, but you looked like you saw a ghost.”

I chuckled at that one. They’re afraid of ghosts here when they have magic to defend themselves? “No worries. I was just lost in my head after seeing you walk in.”

I wasn’t even lying. That mane was an eye-grabber. Rainbow colored. Not sure how she crawled out of that gene pool, but whatever. It was just like her name. It was a wild doo, but I wasn’t going to complain. Her tail matched that mane, while the rest of her was a light blue. And those eyes…

I took a gulp of fresh air. “So, I’m glad I’m finally able to meet you.”

She perked up at that. “Thanks, I’m glad we’re finally able to talk. Fluttershy was gushing so much about you that I was about to lose my mind.”

“Gushing?” I said with a raised brow.

“Yeah, she couldn’t stop telling me how you completely shattered her expectations. The complete opposite of what she was thinking. Such a ‘wonderful human’ and she hoped that ‘you could fit right in’ with us. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she still ‘eepd’ a few times during the conversation as usual, but I’d say her overall impression was pretty good.”

I paused, and collected my thoughts. That’s way too much for someone like me. Like, how did I get such a raving review while being treated for being a ticking time bomb? So, I decided to prod Rainbow Dash for more, hoping to see if she had anything to say about me. “And what do you think?”

She squinted her eyes at me, and snorted. “Not much. You are tall though, I’ll give you that. And does your kind normally have hair on your face?”

I rubbed my chin. I didn’t have facial hair. Why is she asking…

I felt hairs on my chin. What the fuck?

“Really depends on the p-person,” I tumbled out, still in shock that I felt actual hair on my face. “Also, thanks. Normally I’m considered too short by others. We can sometimes reach the top of that door you walked through.”

Her eyes widened at that. “Huh… that’s pretty awesome actually,” she said with a certain dryness that rivaled the deserts of Arizona. Then, she yawned, which made her slightly blush. “Sorry, I'm a little tired after my workout. Twilight had to make sure I got to see you. Something about doing this experiment to make sure you weren’t going to turn into a grape or something. I assume you guys don’t normally turn into fruit, but you never know.”

She had leaned in just a bit, as if her body language was telling me to respond right this second. I was happy to oblige.

“Luckily for you, I’m not going to turn into a grape, at least, I hope I don’t turn into one. And yeah, I think they wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to be absorbing all your magic or something.”

“Absorb my magic?” Her voice went another octave higher, which made her stumble in her words. She quietly cleared her throat while making herself at home. She plopped herself on the ground, which made me follow suit, choosing to prop myself up against the wall for good measure. “How could you do that? I mean, not that I need magic to be awesome, but you can’t take any chances.”

I shrugged. “Not sure. I’m not a scientist like them.”

To my surprise, she smirked and let out a brief neigh. “Yeah, you don’t look like a full-on egghead. Just wanted to hear what you think, since I’m not one either. The genius types go waayyy over my head half of the time. I’m fine with that though, as long as I don’t get caught in the crossfire. I know how that goes first hoof.”

I died on the inside at that last part. They have their own equivalents… “Well, at least you know now.”

“Yeah,” she said lamely, and once again, she yawned. Her head rested on her forehooves. “Sorry, let me get myself fixed up here and—”

Her voice stopped sounding normal. It sounded demonic. It sounded like hell opened up. Her eyes turned red. So did her mane. Her tail flicked on fire.

Her wing had moved. It had moved to the point of changing her entire form.

She mumbled something and then looked at me with the wrath of the supernatural. Her voice shook my body as she spoke,

“✋︎ ♋︎❍︎ ⬧︎□︎❒︎❒︎⍓︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♎︎♏︎♋︎●︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ❍︎♏︎. ✋︎🕯︎❍︎ ◆︎⬧︎◆︎♋︎●︎●︎⍓︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎, ♌︎◆︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎♎︎♋︎⍓︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬥︎□︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎. ✋︎ ♐︎♏︎●︎⧫︎ ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ❍︎♏︎. ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ♓︎❍︎◻︎□︎❒︎⧫︎♋︎■︎⧫︎. ✋︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ♋︎●︎●︎ ♋︎♌︎□︎◆︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎. ✋︎🕯︎❍︎ ⬧︎□︎❒︎❒︎⍓︎ ✋︎🕯︎❍︎ 🙰♏︎♋︎●︎□︎◆︎⬧︎. ✋︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ♒︎♏︎●︎◻︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎□︎◆︎♑︎♒︎. ✡︎□︎◆︎ ♎︎□︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎, ⬧︎□︎ ✋︎🕯︎❍︎ ⬧︎□︎❒︎❒︎⍓︎. ✡︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎⬥︎♏︎⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎.”

The demon spoke to me in hymns. It didn’t sound pleasant. Just angry. Angry at me.

I hugged the wall for dear life, which caused the demon to move closer. It was still inquisitive like the mare that was there before, but it kept growling at me, like it was trying to intimidate me, all while her form made the room about twenty-five percent more like temperatures of hell.

“Rainbow Dash, don’t get closer!”

Suddenly the demon jumped back, it’s burning red eyes widening. She must’ve gotten the picture as she no longer felt present. The room felt cooler, and I no longer felt like I was on a tightrope that was going to give way at any moment.

“F-Fuck,” I let out, and I opened my eyes.

The demon-thing was gone. Rainbow Dash was back, and her eyes were wider than dinner plates.

“I-I’m sorry, Rick. What did I just do to you?”

I gasped and realized this was my only chance to explain while everything was still ‘normal’. “You moved your wing and it caused you to look like Satan’s hellspawn.”

“Satan? What’s that?”

I sighed. “What’s the worst place you could think of in this land?”

“What, Equestria?” she asked. I just nodded, which made her continue her thought, “Uh… probably Tartarus. Place always brings trouble with it.”

“Satan would be the worst creature in that, but you were all red and on fire.”

“Oh.”

“And you spoke like you were going to kill me at any moment.”

“🕈︎♒︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎♏︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ♋︎●︎⬥︎♋︎⍓︎⬧︎ ♒︎♋︎◻︎◻︎♏︎■︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎♏︎... ✋︎ ♎︎□︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ♒︎♓︎❍︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♒︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎ ❍︎♏︎. 🏱︎□︎■︎♓︎♏︎⬧︎ ♋︎●︎❒︎♏︎♋︎♎︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎. I’m sorry, Rick!”

I blinked. She wrapped me in her hooves, being extra careful to not open her wings. I just reciprocated as best as I could, taking comfort in something that looked like it was going to kill me moments ago.

She couldn’t hurt a fly, right? She was a pony, not a chainsaw.

“It’s all good. Maybe I have to be more careful around you. Weird magic-y side-effects and all that.”

She let out a tired chuckle. “You better. I’ll fly laps around you if you blink.”

“Heh, sounds good.”

We just stayed there in silence momentarily, before she moved her wing—

I gasped. Her form transferred once again. The demon was not back, however she felt cold to the touch. In my arms was her though, not changed into whatever the heck it was before.

Rainbow Dash blinked and then gasped. She scooted back to make sure she maintained her distance.

“A-Are you okay? ✋︎ ❍︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎♏︎♎︎ ◆︎◻︎ ♋︎♑︎♋︎♓︎■︎.”

“I guess. At least you’re not on fire this time, or sounding like a demon.”

She blinked, but she maintained her distance. “I’m glad, because if I was the reason you would be dead or something, Twilight would kill me.”

I nodded. I didn’t have anything witty to say, as my tongue was tied and my nerves were on end.

So, she continued saying some stuff. Stuff that made me freeze in place.

“So I know all about you. Everyone talks about you. Not about me. I’ll tell you who I am. That way you talk about me more than them. Besides, that’s all you need to know, really.”

I could only watch as her words raced into my mind.

“❄︎♒︎♏︎ ■︎♋︎❍︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ ☼︎︎♋︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎♌︎︎□︎︎⬥︎︎ 👎︎︎♋︎︎⬧︎︎♒︎︎📪︎ □︎❒︎ ☼︎︎👎︎︎ ♐︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎ ⬧︎︎♒︎︎□︎︎❒︎︎⧫︎︎. Don’t wear my name out, as that’s all you’re going to be hearing. 💣︎⍓︎ ♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ☜︎●︎♏︎❍︎♏︎■︎⧫︎⬧︎ □︎♐︎ ☟︎♋︎❒︎❍︎□︎■︎⍓︎. 🕈︎♏︎ ♒︎♏︎●︎◻︎ □︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ◻︎□︎■︎♓︎♏︎⬧︎, and get all the credit for it. It’s pretty cool to be seen by others as the coolest ever, but that’s normal for me. For them, not so much. Anyway, I usually call the shots since Twilight is too busy being a princess. Weird I know, but it’s how the world works now.”

She smirked. “💧︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎🕯︎︎⬧︎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ 🏱︎︎❒︎︎♓︎︎■︎︎♍︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⬧︎︎ □︎︎♐︎︎ ☞︎︎❒︎︎♓︎︎♏︎︎■︎︎♎︎︎⬧︎︎♒︎︎♓︎︎◻︎︎. ✌︎︎■︎︎♎︎︎ ⬧︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ◆︎︎⬧︎︎◆︎︎♋︎︎●︎︎●︎︎⍓︎︎ ♋︎⬧︎🙵⬧︎ ◆︎⬧︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⬧︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ⧫︎︎♒︎︎♏︎︎ ❒︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎ □︎︎♐︎︎ ☜︎︎❑︎︎◆︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎❒︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎.”

Rainbow Dash sucked in a deep breath before she continued, “Applejack is probably the worst out of all of them. She’s just a show thing for me. Our relationship has been that way ever since she asked me out. She’s eye candy, which makes me look better. ✌︎◻︎◻︎●︎♏︎🙰♋︎♍︎🙵 ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎⬧︎ ❍︎♏︎ ♒︎♋︎◻︎◻︎⍓︎, ♋︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ♒︎□︎◻︎♏︎ ✋︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎ ♒︎♋︎◻︎◻︎⍓︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎ □︎♐︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ●︎♓︎♐︎♏︎.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was sounding like a complete and utter bitch. What caused this? Is this the magic changing what I’m hearing?

I have to say something. Applejack doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

“Rainbow Dash, why are you saying that Applejack is ‘eye candy’ that makes you ‘look better’? That’s pretty harsh, isn’t it?”

Suddenly for a moment, she looked like she saw a ghost. Her jaw was hanging wide open, and her head tilt was more exaggerated than ever.

“W-What did I say? I said she was ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎ ♒︎♋︎◻︎◻︎♏︎■︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎♏︎.”

I frowned. “I can’t understand you. You keep sounding like you’re gargling peanut butter or something.”

Her eyes flickered and suddenly the fire in them before lit aflame once again. “Sorry, let me say it again for you. Applejack’s stronger than most. She can take it. Besides, it’s not heartless for me to say. She already knows what I think of her and she accepts it without thinking twice about it. It’s not like she can think for herself, anyway.”

My heart sank further into my chest. Maybe if I let this play out I could ask Twilight about it or something later. All I feel is pain for Applejack, and a searing headache serating my brain.

Rainbow Dash used my silence as an excuse to continue, “My other friends are a bit easier to deal with. Pinkie Pie especially. I just think she’s a mixed bag of emotions, an unappealing one at best. If only she realized this and woke up to reality, she would be so much better. She is funny, after all. 🏱︎♓︎■︎🙵♓︎♏︎ 🏱︎♓︎♏︎ ♒︎♋︎⬧︎ ♒︎♏︎●︎◻︎♏︎♎︎ ❍︎♏︎ ♌︎♏︎♍︎□︎❍︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎♋︎❒︎♏︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♌︎♏︎. 💧︎♒︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♑︎♓︎❖︎♏︎■︎ ❍︎♏︎ ♋︎♎︎❖︎♓︎♍︎♏︎ □︎■︎ ♒︎□︎⬥︎ ✋︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ♒︎♋︎■︎♎︎●︎♏︎ ✌︎◻︎◻︎●︎♏︎🙰♋︎♍︎🙵, ⬥︎♒︎♓︎●︎♏︎ ♋︎●︎⬧︎□︎ ♌︎♏︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎ ●︎♓︎♐︎♏︎. ✋︎🕯︎❍︎ ⬧︎□︎ ♑︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎♐︎◆︎●︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎, ♋︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎□︎◆︎⧫︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎, ✋︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ♌︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎♋︎❒︎♏︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❍︎ ⧫︎□︎♎︎♋︎⍓︎. I’m surprised I’m still friends with her. Lame at best, am I right?”

I stay silent as she lets out all her snark.

“Anyway, Fluttershy is wonderful. A great pony. She’s the one that helps guide me to be the best I can be, yet she’s super weak. She can’t even handle herself without me around to protect her. It’s kinda tiring you know, just being the best for all of my friends. Have to be, otherwise I won’t be seen as the best. ☞︎●︎◆︎⧫︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎♒︎⍓︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ □︎■︎●︎⍓︎ □︎■︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♍︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ❒︎♏︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎♏︎. 💧︎♒︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♒︎♋︎♎︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♌︎♋︎♍︎🙵 ⬧︎♓︎■︎♍︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♏︎♑︎♓︎■︎■︎♓︎■︎♑︎. ⚐︎■︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⧫︎❒︎□︎■︎♑︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎ ◻︎□︎■︎♓︎♏︎⬧︎ ✋︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎. ☠︎□︎ □︎■︎♏︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ♍︎□︎□︎●︎♏︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎■︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎. 🕈︎♏︎●︎●︎, ♏︎⌧︎♍︎♏︎◻︎⧫︎ ✌︎☺︎. ✋︎♐︎ ✋︎ ♎︎♓︎♎︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♋︎⍓︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎, ⬧︎♒︎♏︎🕯︎♎︎ ◻︎❒︎□︎♌︎♋︎♌︎●︎⍓︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ❍︎♏︎ ⬧︎●︎♏︎♏︎◻︎ □︎◆︎⧫︎⬧︎♓︎♎︎♏︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⍓︎♏︎♋︎❒︎. I hope she knows her place.”

“And then there’s Rarity. By Celestia if she wasn’t as straight as an arrow, I would’ve hitched with her instead of AJ. She makes me so jealous! I wish I could be more like Rarity, but I can only do what she does by flying. Making dresses, wearing them, applying makeup—all that froo-froo doesn’t fit my style. It would only slow me down, and besides, I don’t need to wear all that nonsense to look cool.”

“💣︎⍓︎ ♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎ ☼︎♋︎❒︎♓︎⧫︎⍓︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎□︎■︎♏︎ ⬥︎♒︎□︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♋︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♑︎♏︎⧫︎ ◆︎⬧︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎. 🕈︎♒︎♏︎■︎ ✋︎ ❒︎♏︎♋︎●︎♓︎⌘︎♏︎♎︎ ⬧︎♒︎♏︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎□︎ ●︎♏︎■︎♎︎ □︎◆︎⧫︎ ♋︎ ♒︎□︎□︎♐︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♋︎ ♒︎□︎❒︎■︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♒︎♏︎●︎◻︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎□︎■︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎, ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ♋︎●︎●︎ ✋︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ●︎□︎□︎🙵 ◆︎◻︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎. 💧︎♒︎♏︎ ●︎□︎❖︎♏︎⬧︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ♎︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎♏︎⬧︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎⍓︎□︎■︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ◻︎□︎♓︎■︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬧︎♒︎♏︎ ⧫︎❒︎♓︎♏︎⬧︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ❍︎♏︎ ⬥︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎❍︎. ❄︎♒︎♏︎⍓︎❼︎❒︎♏︎ ♍︎□︎□︎●︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎⧫︎♓︎❍︎♏︎⬧︎, ♌︎◆︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎⍓︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬥︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎ ♓︎⧫︎♍︎♒︎.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The noises were par for the course, which made my ears bleed, but everything just felt so… manufactured almost. I barely knew the pony, but I could tell these things she was saying just weren’t real. I… need to talk to someone about this after. I can’t let this behavior sit without taking mental notes to voice my opinion later.

I hope this is just the magic acting up. If not… I hope this is some kind of awful joke.

“Anyway, sorry about my rambling. I know you want to know more about me. ☼︎♓︎♍︎🙵, ♍︎♋︎■︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ❍︎♏︎? So, let me tell you about the Wonderbolts. They’re this flying team that I’m a part of, and I’ve been recently promoted as Captain. Everyone looks up to me for advice. They all want to learn from me. You don’t know how awesome that is. I feel like I’m on top of the world when I’m there! ⚐︎︎♒︎︎ 👍︎︎♏︎︎●︎︎♏︎︎⬧︎︎⧫︎︎♓︎︎♋︎︎, ♒︎︎♏︎︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ❍︎︎♏︎︎! 🕈︎︎♒︎︎♋︎︎⧫︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎ ✋︎︎ ♎︎︎□︎︎?!”

I interject here to make sure she knows I’m listening. “That’s cool. What were you before you were Captain?”

A dastardly smirk warped onto the mare’s face. “Oh, one of the best flyers on the team, that’s what! I had a wingpony that was super giddy to be under my wing. I think that’s when Spitfire saw my potential. I was teaching everyone who was close to me how to really fly. Everyone around me became better because of Rainbow Dash. ✋︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♑︎□︎ ♑︎♏︎⧫︎ ❄︎⬥︎♓︎●︎♓︎♑︎♒︎⧫︎! ☟︎♏︎🕯︎⬧︎ ●︎□︎□︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ❒︎♏︎♋︎●︎●︎⍓︎ ❒︎♏︎♋︎●︎●︎⍓︎ ◻︎♋︎●︎♏︎. ✋︎ ♎︎□︎■︎🕯︎⧫︎ ❒︎♏︎❍︎♏︎❍︎♌︎♏︎❒︎ ♒︎♓︎❍︎ ●︎□︎□︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎!”

For a second, I saw a brief shadow race toward the door. Then, it disappeared under the door, leaving me to stare at Rainbow Dash with a slight head tilt.

“Did you see anything just now?”

The mare shook her head instantly. “Nah. Are you okay, Rick?”

I blinked. That was the first time she acknowledged me in quite a while. “I guess. Carry on.”

The room shrunk around me. It felt smaller, like the walls were creeping in on us. I could feel Rainbow Dash move closer, and the wall on my back pushing me toward her. I couldn’t do anything about it though. My legs weren’t working. I couldn’t move them. I couldn’t move my arms. Nothing was mine anymore. They were all Rainbow Dash’s.

I looked up. Maybe this is the end. The magic got me. I couldn’t tell Twilight in time that something was wrong…

I sighed as I took in my final breath and—

“RICK!”

I gasped and coughed at the sudden inhale. My body was being jolted by Twilight, who still had her ring on her head. Behind her was Starlight, who was without her ring, trying to fight the magic in the room with her own. Eventually, all of it dispelled, letting me see the extremely teary-eyed Rainbow Dash huddling behind Starlight.

Did I cause this? Was this my fault?

“What happ—” I began to say, only for a hoof to cover my lips.

“Don’t say anything, we’re going to take you into the infirmary. We need to get whatever magic you absorbed out of you and fast. Can you stand for me?”

I tried to stand but my legs were like swiss cheese. They were numb. Everything was numb. “I-I can’t. What is wrong with me?”

“Magic overload, I think,” Twilight said, before turning to Starlight. “I think that’s enough, Starlight. Can you help me lift him on the gurney?”

Starlight nodded. The two grunted in lifting my corpse on it. “Where is Redheart?”

“They’re waiting in the infirmary, Starlight.”

“And why would you tell them not to come with us?”

Twilight blinked. “Didn’t want them to add to the exposure. Us three is enough for Rick to go into shock.”

I sighed. I feel really tired right now. Maybe if I close my eyes…

“You can’t rest right now, Rick. Stay with me!” Starlight shouted.

Sorry, Starlight. I’m way too tired to hear anything else.

I close my eyes again. Maybe going home will be faster this way.

💧︎🕆︎☼︎☝︎✋︎👍︎✌︎☹︎ 💧︎⚐︎☼︎☼︎⚐︎🕈︎

Author's Note

Title of the chapter is Surgical Sorrow.

To make readability easier, here's a link to the Wingdings translator that I use for this fic. This translator is also linked in the first chapter so new readers will not have any issues with accessing the fic in the future. I will also include translations of Wingdings in the author's notes in case you don't want to use the translator.

With all that being said, hope you all enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you all think. Any feedback is appreciated!

💧︎🕆︎☼︎☝︎✋︎👍︎✌︎☹︎ 💧︎⚐︎☼︎☼︎⚐︎🕈︎

It was jarring when the resident human, of all… people, had turned up in the infirmary.

We had been expecting this, but not something of this magnitude. The patient had been presented to us in poor shape. His skin had grown pale, he was knocked out cold, and his body was cold to the touch.

“Is he dead?”

My voice echoed in my ears. I don’t think I was supposed to say that out loud!

“No, he is not, Redheart,” Doctor Stables said as he pulled a glove over his hoof. The exaggerated smack from making sure it was tight on his hoof provided recoil for my eardrums. He was very thorough as always.

“T-That’s good,” I said lamely, shakily sighing to get out those nerves of mine. Seems we’re going to be in for a long one this time around.

I approached the table. Besides Doctor Stables, the only other pony with us was Princess Twilight Sparkle, who, for some reason, looked extremely calm for a pony in this situation. She was across from us, and she had not shown any discomfort. She only stood there, her eyes glued to the patient’s face.

I sighed and counted the utensils. We can’t use any magic, not that it would matter. Doctor Stables and I rarely use it during our surgeries.

“Are you ready, Princess?” asked Doctor Stables.

My jaw nearly disconnected from my muzzle. How could he have even asked her that question? She wasn’t participating in the surgery directly, why would he suddenly spring that upon h—

“Yes, Doctor. You may proceed with the magic removal surgery.”

I turned my attention to the doctor, who looked at me with a slight nod. “Let’s save him.”

I returned the favor in earnest. “Yes… let’s do this.”

The surgery began...

An hour had passed. Progress was made. We located the area of effect, which was… pretty much everywhere. The only thing that was left untouched was his stomach. Everything else had been magically altered. Mostly in appearance. Even if the doctor and I had never operated on a patient like this, we could tell the discoloring of the organs. They’re always grey with splotches of the magic that had affected him. In our training, magic discoloration still looked like a rainbow, if the patient had been around several ponies, and our patient is nothing short of one. However, most of his splotches were purple, a sight that I think Princess Twilight would be worried about.

We had her sit over by one of the chairs in the operating room. Normally, we don’t have too many of those as we were always on our hooves during the operation, but some of the longer ones can definitely wear us out, so they save a few just for the staff to use. However, we cannot deny a princess who wanted to oversee our progress, can we?

I sighed and carried on. The doctor was making a couple more cuts so we can make sure we’re being as thorough as we need to be. Most of the splotches were gone, but it is never guaranteed to be completely wiped. He may have some permanent scarring…

“Is… Is Rick going to be okay?”

Neither I nor Stables said anything. We just kept going.

We’ll tell her when we’re ready.

“Princess Twilight.”

It had been an hour and a half later when one of the guards entered the room.

“Yes, Rhinestone?”

The guard cleared his throat. “Princess Celestia wishes to see you.”

While Doctor Stables grabbed onto the instrument in my hoof, I watched as Princess Twilight hesitated as she got up and paused, sparing one last glance at the patient, before leaving the room. She was ushered out by the guard, and before I knew it, the door had clicked shut.

I hope she’s okay. I know how it is when your friend is being operated on. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

Princess Twilight stood still as Celestia wrapped her wings around the purple mare.

“C-Celestia?”

“Twilight, I’m so glad you’re okay.” Celestia released her grip, her wings slowly retracted to her sides. “I had received your letter and had to come here as soon as I could. Is he…?”

The purple alicorn gave a sidelong glance to the operating room, before sighing. “He’s… still being operated on. We were conducting experiments to try and figure out how magic affects him so that we could help him, but everything went wrong. I-I thought we had made sure that he would be safe during it all, b-but…” Princess Twilight's voice trailed off, which made Celestia take a step forward.

“Did you take all the precautions you needed to?”

“Yes,” Princess Twilight breathed out. “At least the ones we knew we needed to. I had Nurse Redheart and Doctor Stables on standby in case it got this bad, but I didn’t want to believe it could get this bad. Now this is all happening, I just hope he pulls through…”

“I wish I could offer you comfort there, but I am unsure too,” Celestia said softly, She hung her head. “Times like these make me worry about what else we are unaware of. The best we can do is protect from what we know, and hopefully that will be enough to protect us from the unknown.”

Princess Twilight looked at Celestia with a frown, her wings sagging. “I… guess you’re right. I could’ve done more though. Checked the calculations thrice, or consulted with more of Starswirl’s books. I don’t know…”

Celestia sucked in a bit of breath before she held her head high and turned around from the operating room. “Let’s go for a walk, Twilight. Get our minds off the whole situation. Corporal Rhinestone, would you accompany us?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The group walked slowly down the hall. They passed by several rooms, most of which were tightly shut. There was also some equipment still left out, but most of the hall was clear.

Celestia gave Princess Twilight a slight smile. “How did your meeting go with the Yaks up North?”

“It was okay. There was much less smashing than usual though. Prince Rutherford said that most of the yaks were resting or something.”

“Less smashing?”

Princess Twilight nodded… slowly. “As he put it: it was a long winter for us Yaks.”

Celestia’s cheeks turned a bright red hue. “Oh,” she muttered, before chuckling. “Well hopefully they’ll be rested before the next summit. I assume you and Pinkie will be attending?”

“I hope so,” Princess Twilight began, her lips turning upward. “Going by myself this time around got a lot of confused looks.”

Celestia hummed thoughtfully to herself. “Might be because they’re so used to you and Pinkie showing up. Hopefully she’s not busy baking cakes that she’ll be able to go.”

“She’s got her schedule ‘lifted’. Said it was because of…” Princess Twilight’s voice trailed off, which left her smile to fall to the ground again.

Celestia frowned too.

They talked about several other things, but each subject circled back to the injured human. Every time that happened, Princess Twilight would go quiet for a while. The cycle ended when they reached the door to the operating room.

Princess Twilight spoke first with a downtrodden voice, “Look, Celestia, I appreciate everything but I am worried, and I can’t help it. Rick doesn’t deserve this.”

Celestia nodded. “You’re right, he doesn’t. I just want to make sure since… well, Derrick had suffered a similar fate.”

The mentioning of this name made the purple mare tear up. She wiped them with her forehoof, but that didn’t stop them from coming out as they raced down her cheeks. “I-I know. This all just feels different though. With Derrick, we didn’t know he was sick with this at the time. We diagnosed him with different conditions that seemed like they fit at the time. And now with what we know, I just hoped things would be different. I couldn’t tell Rick that he would be like this, I didn’t want him to worry.” She paused to take a deep yet shaky breath. “All this feels… it just—”

“It’s a lot to take in,” Celestia finished. She walked up and surrounded Princess Twilight with her wings once again. “You don’t have to wear a mask all the time. You can let it go once in a while.”

“Even if everypony judges me differently?”

“There’s a time and a place, Princess Twilight. And this is certainly one of those times.”

With that, the tears ran freely as she sobbed into the white alicorn’s chest. It took a bit for Princess Twilight to stop crying, as her grief echoed in the dimly lit hallways of the castle.

“How long has it been?” Celestia whispered.

“Way too long…” Princess Twilight replied as a few straggling tears fell down her face. “Way too long.”

With that, they stood there, holding each other in place. However that soon ended when Princess Twilight pulled away, thanked Celestia for coming all this way to comfort her, and excused herself to go to the restroom.

Then it was just us two. Celestia looked at me with a slight smile. “She’ll be fine, won’t she, Corporal?”

I stood there for a moment. Should I answer? It wasn’t something that I needed to do, after all. Yet, a part of me wanted to make sure she knew I was there, so I did, but I stayed quiet, only giving her a nod.

She smiled. “Thank you, Rhinestone. If you could do me a favor and stay with her for the night, I would appreciate it.”

“Gladly,” I replied. “It would be an honor.”

“An honor bestowed to one of my loyal guards supplied by my former student? Rhinestone, the honor is mine that you still wish to guard me.”

“A former princess is still a matter of importance to us, Celestia.”

She laughed. “I’m glad you are assigned to me. Now, for the time being, could you make sure my former student doesn’t burn down her castle if things go awry?”

I saluted her and smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”

She chuckled at my display of loyalty, before she turned and waved, bidding me goodnight. I returned the gesture, as I stood diligently, waiting for Princess Twilight to emerge from the bathroom. Hopefully things will go well. We only had that, after all.

Memory Of You

Author's Note

Imagine writing yourself into a corner and not knowing how to get out of it lmao.

Translations for this chapter are in order as they appear:

BEING A VIRGIN
b︎e︎e︎n︎ a︎ g︎r︎e︎a︎t︎ s︎t︎u︎d︎e︎n︎t︎. Y︎o︎u︎ h︎a︎v︎e︎ m︎e︎ p︎r︎o︎u︎d︎ t︎o︎ b︎e︎ y︎o︎u︎r︎ f︎a︎t︎h︎e︎r︎. I︎ ju︎s︎t︎ w︎i︎s︎h︎ y︎o︎u︎, y︎o︎u︎ kn︎o︎w︎, g︎o︎t︎ a︎ g︎i︎r︎l︎f︎r︎i︎e︎n︎d︎. T︎h︎a︎t︎ w︎o︎u︎l︎d︎ a︎t︎ l︎e︎a︎s︎t︎ m︎a︎ke︎ m︎e︎ f︎e︎e︎l︎ s︎e︎c︎u︎r︎e︎ a︎b︎o︎u︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎r︎ f︎u︎t︎u︎r︎e︎ w︎i︎t︎h︎ s︎o︎m︎e︎o︎n︎e︎ e︎l︎s︎e︎.

Hope you all enjoy this chapter. :)

Memory Of You

It was Thanksgiving Day. I was excited to be spending this at my parent’s house, mostly because football was going to be on tonight and my father and I were of the same mind. We were avid fans of football, so it was natural that we would talk about it all the time over the dinner table. My mother, bless her heart, always had to put up with our bullshit when I lived at home. Now, I was coming over with a dish to pass, and the energy of a hyped up fan of a losing team, if there was any hype in that whatsoever.

I took a deep breath and then opened the door. It creaked as it slowly swung open. I shouted, “Mom? Dad? I’m home!” as loud as I could, and like usual, my mother was stuck in the kitchen, while my father was planted firmly on the couch, watching Sportscenter. Stereotypical Thanksgiving behavior. Stereotypical each and every time.

“Dear, we’re so glad you’re home!” my mother said, who was the first to greet me when I walked in the door. She held onto me tight while my father spoke,

“Glad to see you, son. You brought over the goulash this year?”

I’m glad too, and yes I did.

“We’re so happy you’re home.” It’s such a rare occasion now that you’ve been living on your own for so long.”

I’m happy as well, Mom. So, when are we having dinner?

“Soon, son. Soon,” my father said as he took my dish. “Your mother has been preparing it for quite a while now. Probably should check on the turkey too—”

“Prepping? I don’t just prep, you know! Who made the veggies and rice?”

“You did but—”

“And the sweet potatoes?”

“You did—”

“And the marshmallow supreme scallop potatoes?”

“Wait, I thought you said we were not having that this Thanksgiving?”

My mother gasped. “Not having the marshmallow supreme scallop potatoes? No, dear, we always have to have that.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll give it to you. You haven’t burnt the house down yet with your cooking, so I haven’t had to ring the fire department.”

An eye roll, a small argument, and a laugh from my father: the ingredients to a perfect, yet ordinary occurrence. A scene that I remember well.

“Rick, how has college been?”

I gave a long answer here. At the time, I had just finished a huge project for my Sociology professor, and was completely burnt out from staring at papers and computer screens. Also told them that I was at a party a couple days ago, one that my college buddies hosted for ‘surviving in Mrs. Shaboya’s class thus far’. They laughed at what I told them and congratulated me on my accomplishments too.

Anyway, a few minutes passed. I was now seated in the living room, my dish was set on the table, while my parents, who had told me ‘plant my ass in a seat while they brought out the rest’, placed their dishes too. The table looked so full, I was wondering if the table’s legs would be able to hold up all this weight. The turkey was massive. It was like my parents were trying to win the grand prize at the state fair. Unfortunately for them, the state fair had already passed, and all that was left was to win from the judges: me, myself, and I.

I don’t remember much from the food itself, other than the feeling that they gave off. The aroma, the warm plates, the happy faces; Thanksgiving provided me with the best feeling in the world. Well that and the apple crisp, but that’s because I’m addicted to that shit.

Then, as I was chomping down on some delicious apple crisp, my mother began to say grace (who passed away 30 years ago),

“Rick, we are happy that you’re alive this year…”

I blinked. This was not grace. I mean, thanks for saying I’m alive but this was definitely not normal.

My father, who usually would say something about this, had not even said a word. In fact, he treated it as if it was normal, his head was hung low and his eyes were closed, all while he was holding my mother’s hand, having a firm grip around it. She continued her… whatever this was,

“We’re also happy that you’re home to save us…”

My eyes were about to launch into space with how wide-eyed I was. Was I hearing the same speech as my father? And why am I hearing Twilight’s voice through my mother? What voodoo magic is happening here?

“If it weren’t for you succeeding in 👌︎☜︎✋︎☠︎☝︎ ✌︎ ✞︎✋︎☼︎☝︎✋︎☠︎, we would have probably disowned you.”

Not only did I just get roasted by my mother, but I got roasted in a different language. Curse those magical talking horses that totally don’t speak English! And why hasn’t my father said anything? Is he just going to sit over there with his eyes closed?

I’m glad you didn’t disown me. I would have probably been couch surfing at this point with a broken hip or something.

“Well, son, you have ♌︎♏︎♏︎■︎ ♋︎ ♑︎❒︎♏︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬧︎⧫︎◆︎♎︎♏︎■︎⧫︎. ✡︎□︎◆︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ❍︎♏︎ ◻︎❒︎□︎◆︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♌︎♏︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♐︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎. ✋︎ 🙰◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♒︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎, ⍓︎□︎◆︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎, ♑︎□︎⧫︎ ♋︎ ♑︎♓︎❒︎●︎♐︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎♎︎. ❄︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ♋︎⧫︎ ●︎♏︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ❍︎♏︎ ♐︎♏︎♏︎●︎ ⬧︎♏︎♍︎◆︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎♌︎□︎◆︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♐︎◆︎⧫︎◆︎❒︎♏︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎□︎■︎♏︎ ♏︎●︎⬧︎♏︎.”

Alright, I don’t even know what the heck he said. All I know is that my father just recreated the demon from the Exorcist if they were calm, collected, and disappointed in my ability. Now I need a priest to yell ‘Take Me’ frantically so they could take said demon out of my father’s body and leap out of the window to avoid my tragic life story, and this scene would be complete.

I appreciate you both and love you so much. I’m glad you’re my parents.

“And we’re glad you’re our kid. Now, before we finish this prayer, could you just wake up already?!”

Now that sounded like Starlight. Alright, this is totally a dream. The question is, how do I wake up?

“Just open your eyes, son. It’s not that hard.”

I closed mine instead. I closed them tightly as I heard the world around me change. Wind breaking glass. Tables and chairs flipping around me. My hair being whipped by the gust. Voices of a distant memory being drowned out by destruction. I almost let out a whimper, but I didn’t let myself do that. It’s just a dream, I’m not that much of a pussy.

I opened my eyes.

I was in a hospital room of sorts. White walls around me. I was lying down facing a corner of the room. So I was dreaming, and I was knocked out cold. The question was, for how long? How long was I gone for?

I tried to get myself up, but I noticed they had me hooked to some machine that certainly wasn’t an IV and some other tech I couldn’t recognize. It had a bunch of symbols etched into its side, and it was whirring like a broken ceiling fan. I was dressed in some abridged version of a gown, and I could feel my body was stitched together like I was a voodoo doll. The pain ached, but it did not sting surprisingly, making me want to just flop back down on this examination table that they had me on.

I took my own advice and adjusted myself. I propped my head back down on the pillow, and waited for the inevitable.

The door swung open. In came a nurse, a small white pony with a small cap on her head. It had a red cross on it, one that definitely contrasted her baby blue eyes. Her pink mane and tail also were in view, and I was just flabbergasted. I had to resist the urge to pet this one. Not sure why I even had the urge in the first place.

“Well hello… nurse?”

“Redheart,” she replied with a bit of cheer. “Hello Rick. I’m glad you’re finally awake.”

I nodded. “Same. Those nightmares I had were awful. Kept hearing random voices wanting me to wake my ass up.”

She chuckled. “Bet you had some wild dreams while we had you under the scope.”

“Under the scope?” I said with a brow raise. “That’s why I feel like I just underwent a surgery and a marathon.”

“That’s what they all say,” Redheart replied with a smirk. She walked up to the bottom of my bed and sat there, observing a chart in her hooves. “You have about… let’s see… a couple more days of recovery before we can release you.”

“Only a couple?”

The nurse bobbed her head. “Our treatment times here are pretty short, even for severe cases like yourself. Magic has helped advance our medicine. If you were a pony, this would have been only a day or two, but your condition is caused by magic, so we had to turn to alternative medicine.”

That made sense. Dying to what was treating me would be a stupid death.

“So, you need to take my temperature or anything?”

Redheart smiled. “Nope. That machine you’re hooked up to does it for us. Constant feed of information, you know?”

I peered over at it, the screen flashing different data sets that were all in horse scribble. Great.

“Don’t worry,” the mare piped up, pulling me away from the machine’s screen. “It’s not going to bite you. Unless you want it to. I mean, I think there’s an extra feature that will do just that—”

“I think I’ll pass on that, nurse.”

“Good, because I’m not finished with you yet. Pain on a scale from zero to ten?”

I shrugged. “Like a 5?”

The nurse jotted down some notes on the clipboard in front of her. “Good, just as we expected. We will make sure to slip some PainAwayWeed™ to get rid of that pain you are feeling.”

The nurse tapped the end of her muzzle with her forehoof. “Hmm, well other than your pain, your vitals are fine, at least, we think they’re fine. You’re similar to other animals in Equestria, so at least we have a reference point.”

“Good, otherwise I’d be freaking out at the moment.”

“Well as long as you keep your breathing nice and steady, then that machine next to ya won’t sound too angry with you. In fact, I know someone else who would be more angry if I don’t let her see you.”

“Going to assume it’s Twilight, right?”

“Yes, and I’m not a fan of being sent to the dungeons.”

“Well I can’t let Horny treat you like that,” I said, before clasping my mouth as quickly as I could with wires hooked up to me.

“Horny, huh? That’s what you call our princess?”

“Well, she has a huge horn so I thought…”

Redheart laughed. “You’re not wrong! You’re not wrong. You probably should keep the pet names to yourself though. You’re lucky I’m not the one to judge interspecies relationships.”

I felt a distinct level of heat piercing my cheeks. “W-We’re not like that at all.”

“Rightttt…” The mare replied, winking at me as she sashayed her way over to the door. “I’ll let her know that you’re awake. Just sit tight, okay?”

Still flustered by the nurse horse imagining me being paired with a psychopath, I struggled with my reply, “I-I will, nurse.”

“Good, because if you don’t, those wires will rip your guts out and then I have to clean all that up. Let’s avoid a bloody massacre, mkay?”

“Got it,” I said with a thumbs up. Got my composure under wraps, for now.

With that, the nurse left the room, the door gently clicking shut. The loneliness left me wandering, my mind grasping for straws to erase whatever horrible future my mind was concocting.

“Twilight! Twilight!”

I woke the alicorn up. She was whimpering in her sleep outside in the hallway. I couldn’t just leave her there, she probably would have terrible back pain and she was already suffering enough from the mental anguish she’s had to bear. She had suffered enough.

Besides, I had news for her.

The surgery was a success. The magic is… well, gone, for now. The bad news is that, without a way to filter the magic through him, he will be like this once again in approximately four months if he’s kept under supervision. Maybe Princess Twilight had something planned for him?

I took a deep breath. She asked me where she was. I reminded her.

“Oh,” Princess Twilight mumbled. Her mane was mangled, drool dried up on the side of her muzzle. She licked her lips. “I didn’t know I fell asleep. Was there something you wanted to tell me, Nurse Redheart?”

I nodded. “He’s alive. We were able to remove most of the magic from his body, but some of his tissue will be scarred permanently.”

Her eyes widened. Her wings raised. “You’re… not joking with me, right?”

“Nope. You could even see him now, if you would like.”

“Uh, yes please.” I could tell she was trying to keep her composure, if her wings quivering and her forelegs shaking were anything to go off of. “And fast.”

I chose to ignore her second part of her statement. She needed to calm down or I would have to give her 50cc of ‘calm down you maniac’. Not that I would tell her that exactly, but she needs to not surprise him into a second coma.

I sighed and walked her over to his room. The walk felt like I was walking on pins and needles, as my hooves clicked and clacked down the hall. All my training didn’t give me the option to ignore this feeling, this feeling of working myself to a numbing sensation. Everything became a blur for a few seconds, a few breaths, as the other ponies, paintings, walls, miscellaneous medical equipment fell to the wayside. There was nothing else to worry about. Only Princess Twilight and Rick.

I stopped in front of his room. I turned to her and told her one more thing.

“Please don’t strangle him or anything. He just woke up and is extremely weak.”

The mare nodded enthusiastically. “I will try not to. He’s… he’s…”

Her voice trailed off. Is he close to her by chance? Will we have to worry about a human courting her? Would he be Prince Rick?

I took those thoughts out back and shoved them into the freeze box in my mind. Then, I let the door fly open.

And there he was. Smiling. Awake.

Twilight walked over to his bedside, whimpering all the while.

My job was done, for now.

I looked away from the corner to hear the door swinging open. There she was, Twilight, the mare in my dreams sounding like an out-of-sync foghorn through my mother’s body. She was here, walking toward me. She was looking like utter shit, not going to lie. Someone must’ve shocked her one too many times as her mane was all over the place. Her crown, which I thought was glued onto her head was off, probably stolen by some thief and being sold on the black market. On her horn lay two rings, one of gold and one of silver. I wasn’t sure what those were for, since I only saw one on her before, but I guess she got an upgrade.

Unlike her rings, her eyes got a downgrade, and a major one at that. They were puffy, bloodshot, and most importantly, open. As she got closer, her side rubbing up against the examination table, I could see clear as day streak marks on her cheeks, that purple fur matted, soaked, and clearly a result of me being injured.

Great. My fault again. Egh.

“Twilight—”

“Rick, you’re alive!”

I thought she was going to snap my head into pieces, but thanks to life, she gently hugged me. She used her wing to gently maneuver me, being extra careful to not ruin the stitches the doctors put down centermass. I groaned as my head smacked right into her chest.

This was… nice. A weird, yet familiar feeling. The weird part is due to the fact that the purple menace was the one doing this to me, but the familiar warmth helped me think of back home. A hug from a friend, a hug from a parent—they feel somewhat the same, yet somewhat different. Maybe my virginity censors are ruining the moment or are blinder than a bat, but I’m just feeling loved right now, if that’s even the word for this. Maybe that’s too strong of a word, actually.

I don’t know, I’m just happy to be here. I hope she doesn’t suffocate me—

As if on cue, she pulled away and looked into my eyes. Her tearful gaze matched me, and I was like,

“Well you look like shit.”

Twilight giggle-snorted into a tizzy. “Thanks. This is what happens when you worry about someone to the point of giving yourself a proper spinal tap.”

I smirked. “Guess that’s why they tell you not to sleep in the waiting room.”

“There’s no waiting room, unfortunately. Although I did get a front row seat to your surgery.”

Raised my eyebrow so fast at that one that I nearly lost it in the ether. “How did you manage that?”

The mare smirked and waved an imaginary credit card at me. “The princess card works like a charm! Also I pay the doctor quite well to keep you alive.”

“Back on my world,” I began, with what I would assume would be a dopey grin on my face. “That doctor wouldn’t have given you a backstage pass.”

“Are doctors that possessive of their patients?” Twilight asked with a slight head tilt.

“Nah,” I said weakly, trying to wave her off. I winced instead, being reminded that I was still hooked to the machine next to me, which angrily whirred in dismay. “Sorry, the doodad beep-boop-boop-bop over there is angry with me.”

“The what?”

“Nevermind.”

Silence pervaded over us, save for that stupid cold shell of a machine. It was still PO’d. This lasted for quite some time, before she dipped, said she was going to go get Starlight and Spike. I watched her leave, and was reminded of what Redheart said to me. I felt that heat grace my cheeks for a moment, before I shut that shit down and forced it into a ten day quarantine. Not only is she not my type, but she’s also a horse. Plus, I’m not that desperate.

Anyway, time to stare at the corner of the room again until Twilight gets back with her friends. Hopefully the nurse won’t come back either so I don’t have to chew her out for putting that thought in my mind. I sighed, and let my mind drift.

That stupid purple maniac…

Rickcovery 1 - Struggling With Magical Angst And Angst

Author's Note

Yeah, chief, deck me in the mouth with language.

Translations for this chapter (in order as they appear):

M︎a︎y︎b︎e︎ I︎ n︎e︎e︎d︎ a︎ r︎i︎n︎g︎ o︎n︎ m︎y︎ h︎o︎o︎f︎ o︎r︎ s︎o︎m︎e︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎…
I︎n︎f︎o︎r︎m︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎G︎e︎t︎M︎a︎c︎h︎i︎n︎e︎-︎3︎0︎0︎0︎
a︎b︎s︎o︎l︎u︎t︎e︎l︎y︎ d︎o︎m︎i︎n︎a︎t︎e︎d︎ i︎n︎ b︎e︎d︎
STARLIGHT WHY

Rickcovery 1 - Struggling With Magical Angst And Angst

Waking up to the sounds of excited neighing never felt so satisfying to my eardrums. I had drifted off to sleep and was never brought back to life by a wandering medical professional. I guess Twilight must’ve felt that I needed my beauty sleep as she too did not come back yesterday. So, it seemed that today was the day she and her friends would return, the only time that there would be spice in my time here. Being sentenced to be a bedridden NEET for the rest of my stay only exacerbated my angst, but those instances of normality sated it heartily. Not to mention that my stay wasn’t going to get extended, so I only had to expect two full days of stay. This morning was going to be great with them around.

Sorry, did I say great?

“Good morning, Rick!” chirped Nurse Redheart as she buss’d my door to my room wide open. In her possession was a cart full of food that filled my nostrils with glee. Was this all for me?!

“Solids already?” I asked, my mouth watering at the sight of the warm steamy goodness.

To my surprise, she shook her head and then stopped halfway. “Partially. I actually have your plate right here. Eat up!”

Slid in front of my own two eyes was a small lump of slop. And what I mean by slop is Jello. Green, gooey, unmoving Jello. I tried poking it to make sure it was just Jello and I wasn’t seeing a magical mirage, after all, I am in a fantasy world full of talking horses. The poke was nothing but spectacular, a small poke that you do when you want to poke an alligator awake to see if it’s still alive.

Fuck. It is Jello.

I sighed and groaned as my stomach growled ferociously. The snarl of seeing all the good food, but the pain of having to eat this shit. Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Spooning a plentiful spoon full of mush, I guided the sin against food into my mouth. The texture of rubber slid down my throat with what little flavor (I think it was lime) soiled my tastebuds. I grimaced, swallowing it further down my gullet and gave the nurse a cross between a thumbs-up, and a middle finger. Actually scratch that, it was just a middle finger. Lying to her would be an even bigger sin.

Her reaction was priceless:

“Glad you like it, Rick!” Redheart smiled unabashedly, those cheeks of her blossoming forth with a slight crinkle. A slight blush tinted them too, not sure why. I assume she thought I was gesturing to her as a sign of happiness, like I would totally enjoy my mouth getting motorboated by a car tire.

Not wanting to totally shatter Redheart’s expectations, I gave the mare a pathetic, yet totally buyable nod. The curt bob of my head made the mare squee, a sound I was not expecting from her at all.

“I’ll let the chef know you enjoyed it,” she added with a customary bright smile. She then turned and grabbed a hold of her cart with her forehooves, and wheeled it gently out of the way. “Now that breakfast’s out of the way… I brought you some company!”

It was at this moment I saw Twilight take the helm. She ducked into the doorway before she walked in with Starlight and Spike in tow. Horny looked way better than she did yesterday, which definitely made me happy for her. Looking like a trainwreck wasn’t appealing in the slightest. Her crown was back to looking like it was glued on her head, her eyes weren’t puffy, and her hair wasn’t disheveled! However, her wings for some reason looked more purple. And there was more than one ring on her horn.

Neat.

Starlight and Spike on the other hand looked normal. Starlight had her own little shindig going on, her mane combed a bit more than usual. She looked well rested enough to appear like she was floating, however, once again, a silver ring graced her horn. Oh, and she had the grin of someone excited to see their pet dog. While Starlight looked graceful, Spike just… existed. He looked like he spent long hours reading a book about serial killers and lost about five hours off his lifespan. He did, however, still look vibrant, just not on his face: droopy eyelids, slight bloodshot eyes, and a permanent marker known as a furrowed brow; the tell-tale signs of an all-nighter by choice.

Cool. Spike either sniffed highlighters (went to college), or ate glue (addicted to reading comic books).

I turned my attention to Redheart, who had shuffled even further away from me to let my visitors in. How nice of her. “Thanks, Redheart. For bringing them in… and the food, I guess.”

“You’re welcome again, Rick. I’ll leave you four alone. If anything goes awry, do not hesitate to press that buzzer on your left.”

She had pointed her hoof to me, which made me look to my left, and lo and behold, there was a buzzer there. It was small, yet tucked in the corner behind my head. I was pretty close to it, so it sort of alarmed me that it was even there in the first place. I could’ve rolled right into that thing in my sleep! Who puts a buzzer right here?!

“Why is this buzzer head level?”

“Ease of access,” Redheart began, only to give the four a sheepish smile. “And a design flaw. Mixture of the two.”

“At least you admit it,” I replied, scratching my head at this terrible design choice. “And I hope this doesn’t cause anything else other than just notifying you that I need help.”

“Well, we can have it shock you if you’re feeling frisky, but we’ll have to upcharge you an extra ten thousand bits in case it causes you any internal bleeding.”

I felt my throat fall out of my ass. “What.”

Twilight also tilted her head. “Wasn’t it only a thousand bits a couple weeks ago?”

Redheart shook her head. “That was two months ago. The price was due to some pony treating our clinic as a way to shock himself into submission. We removed all those pesky buttons to avoid any and all lawsuits, but I guess this one in your infirmary is the last remaining torture device, Princess Twilight.”

“Wait, why haven’t you removed it yet, Twilight? I could’ve rolled onto it and killed myself!”

Princess Twilight, with a crown on her head, with a smirk gracing her purple cheeks, and a confident puffing out of her chest, the powerhouse proclaimed, “Capitalism.”

…

“Nevermind. Anyway, I’ll pass on shocking myself to death, and I hope you remove the button so you avoid a lawsuit, Twilight.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Uh, Rick, what did you hear just now?”

“That the button next to my head is going to kill me if I roll into it, and that you kept the button in the name of Capitalism. Why?”

Redheart’s eyes also widened. “I’m going to head out. I’ll notify the doctor, Twilight. Maybe I expelled too much magic when I was in the room?”

“No, it’s probably just residual magic from the surgery or something…”

Redheart rubbed her chin with her forehoof. “You’re probably right, but I don’t want to fallback on a hunch. I’ll still report this to the doctor to let him know Rick reacted to me most likely, since you all have your rings on.” A frown graced the white mare’s muzzle. “Looks like another lengthy report is in my future.”

“Good luck,” Twilight said with a slight chuckle. “Try not to go overboard.”

“Ironic,” Spike replied, which earned a chuckle-snort from Starlight, and a glare of despair from Twilight.

“I won’t,” Redheart replied with a weak smile. She then left the room, mumbling, “💣︎♋︎⍓︎♌︎♏︎ ✋︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎ ♋︎ ❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ □︎■︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♒︎□︎□︎♐︎ □︎❒︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎…”

I blinked. Okay so I heard that part even though she mumbled it like a mumble rapper. And to make matters worse, it’s like someone took her happiness and soaked it in battery acid.

The room was silent for a bit, save for a ticking noise that didn’t sound like it was coming from the machine. I cleared my throat to fill the air with something other than that. “Hey guys. Glad you could make it.”

The trio made their way over to my bedside. “We’re glad to be here,” Twilight replied, placing her forehoof on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, it’s good to see you awake finally,” Spike added with a smile.

“Guys, you really think I would let magic kick my ass?”

Starlight stood on her hind hooves to get a better view of me. “If you did, I would have annoyed you forever in the afterlife.”

“Good,” I replied with a smirk. “You would just annoy yourself by trying to annoy me.”

“Your hoofball team sucks.”

I attempted to wave my hands at her, which definitely didn’t make the machine next to me angry. “Aright, nevermind. Point taken.”

The three laughed at Starlight and I’s ribbing. I can’t believe what Starlight said about my team! I mean, really? I know they suck but you don’t have to then, by saying that, implant the image of them losing another season that they could have had if they had proper coaching! Unfortunately for me, that would easily be reality, because my team had a history of it! I didn’t have to imagine it as a flash of recollection graced my brain, and when I mean graced, I mean it gave me a painful jab of nicotine and disappointment as the opposing team scored nearly eighty points on my team.

I frowned. “Okay, now I have PTSD. Thanks for triggering it.”

“Any time, Rick. Any time,” Starlight cooed, patting my head gently with her forehoof before Spike hopped on her back to get a better view of me.

“Hey Spike,” I said, holding my hand out in a fist.

The dragon fistbumped me. “Hey, Rick. Feeling better today?”

“Other than remembering my team lost the day before I got shot into this place and the fact that Nurse Redheart might be scarred for a week over whatever she said? Yeah. Thankfully you guys are here to make my day about… five percent better.”

“Only five percent? Bet you it’s way higher than that, Rick,” Twilight interjected. “And judging by your lack of willpower to finish your Jello, I’d say us being here makes your day at least twenty-five point nine nine eight five percent better.”

I and the rest of the normal folk in the room gave Twilight a stink eye. She just threw her hooves up in the air and tilted her head. “What? I rounded up. There were about sixty more decimal places but I didn’t want to waste time by saying each one.”

“You could’ve just said thirty and—” I stopped and facepalmed. “You know what, nevermind. Point being is yeah, you’re probably right. This jello tastes awful.”

Twilight was just about to use her horn when she stopped herself, grimacing as she did. The rings around her horn shut down her purple glow around her horn, fizzling out any magic she had given off. “Sorry, forgot for a second. Here, let me take that from you.”

I placed the plate in her outstretched forehooves, which she took and placed on a table next to my side—wait when did that get there?

“You didn’t know that was there?” Starlight asked with a raised brow.

I shifted on the table. “Well, I can’t really see anything to my right other than that machine the doc and nurse set up there.”

“You mean the ✋︎■︎♐︎□︎❒︎❍︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎☝︎♏︎⧫︎💣︎♋︎♍︎♒︎♓︎■︎♏︎📫︎🗏︎📁︎📁︎📁︎?”

“Sorry, you spoke heresy. What was that?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “It’s a machine that provides valuable information on a patient—”

“Yes, I know what it does, but I can’t read any of it. It’s like someone played a drunk game of Pictionary and everyone lost.”

“We really need to teach you so you can understand our language better,” Twilight said. She pulled out a pencil from her saddlebag and gripped it in her maw. “Otherwisse you’ll be shpeaking ruedely about uhs every time you hear uhs shay sohmeshing.”

Spike pointed a claw at Twilight. “Don’t speak with your mouth full of lead, Twilight.”

“That’s a choking hazard if I’ve ever seen one,” Starlight added, nodding her head.

Twilight held a hoof up as she scribbled whatever she was scribbling on a piece of paper she found. She then spit out the pencil, a little bit of salvia drooping from the side of it. It click-clacked onto the table, the same one that Starlight had set the tire flavored slop on. Twilight then folded the paper into her saddlebag before she turned around and said, “Otherwise you’ll be speaking rudely about us, Rick.”

“Glad I could hear that without you sounding like you’re drowning.”

“Guilty,” Twilight said with a bow. “I’ve done it once before.”

“Drowning or sounding like you’re drowning?”

“Yes.”

I blinked, and then blinked again. “What.”

“Anyway,” Starlight said, clearing her throat. She clopped her forehooves together while giving everyone a rather awkward smile. “You like our rings?”

I raised a brow at that. “Well, other than they look nice, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be impressed with.”

The three looked at each other. “They’re to make sure we don’t give off too much magic.”

“I gathered that much from Luna. I’m just… confused as to how they work.”

Starlight took a deep breath. “When someone has a ring around their horn, it usually nullifies the magic as the properties of the ring suppresses any magic being used to the point of using little to no magic energy. Some can cast a spell, but it’s going to give them a massive headache. So, when we’re around you, we can’t do anything magic related.”

“So that’s why Twilight nearly got lead poisoning.”

“Yes,” Starlight said with a giggle, much to Twilight’s chagrin, if her wings being slightly up and twitching had anything to say about it. Starlight coughed. “She cannot use her magic around you, so she resorted the old fashioned way: getting splinters in her mouth and gnawing on lead. Also I think she also forgot her hoof grip that she uses, which would have helped her avoid eating lead entirely and—”

“Yes, I did forget it,” Twilight growled through her teeth. She folded her wings to her sides and sighed. “I left it on the kitchen table before we left.”

“I mean, you could’ve gone back and gotten it—”

I was interrupted by Starlight, who smirked at me as she spoke, “Twilight and waiting are basically antonyms. That would never happen.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, while Spike shouted ‘Truuuuue’ like a teenager.

Spike laughed at Twilight’s suffering. However, I noticed something odd about Spike. Unlike Starlight and Twilight, he had a ring around his neck. It was gold and quite shiny compared to the ponies' small silver ones.

“Sorry to break the ribbing of Twilight, but why do you have a ring around your neck, Spike?”

Spike sighed. “I also give off magic. However, it only really gets used when a certain someone either sends a letter or I receive a letter by magically burping it out.”

“Oh,” I said, my gaze downcast. So his stomach is where all the magic is housed. “So you just put it around your neck because of that?”

“I know it looks goofy and uncomfortable, but trust me, this was the only way. Either that or I had to get a suppository that would temporarily suppress my magic. I definitely am not a fan of those pills, so I chose the ring.”

“Wise choice,” Starlight said, gagging. “Gross.”

I nearly threw up in my own mouth when I heard that. Well, guess lugging around that gold ring on his neck meant it was more like a necklace. Bling-bling, I suppose.

“So how long do the rings usually nullify your magic?”

“These rings can hold up to about eight hours of magic activity,” Twilight answered confidently. She gave a short smile. “Unfortunately for me, I have to wear two of these for the same effect, as I forgot to release my alicorn version of the ring.”

“Alicorn version?”

“Different rings have different capabilities. For Twilight, since she’s basically one of the best magic users in all of Equestria, she has to wear two unless she has her custom ring.”

“Cool,” I said lamely. It was cool, I was just suddenly feeling tired. “Hopefully you remind her to drain her ring.”

“Yeah, I will,” Starlight replied. “She needs me around to remind her of a lot of things.”

“Running a country will do that to just about anyone,” Twilight added. “But regardless, I think we should get going for right now. Hopefully later today they can tell you if you can leave tomorrow.”

“Why’s that?”

“Sooner you’re out, the sooner you can eat actual food.”

“Right,” I said, remembering the jello still on the table. “You’re going to take your slobbered pencil right?”

Spike hopped off Starlight’s back and hopped up to take the pencil. “Got it. And yeah, Twilight, you really did a number to this thing. Yuck.”

Twilight rolled her eyes twice over. “Well, we will see you around. Going to have these accompany me on some errands that we need to take care of for your return.”

“For my return?” I asked with a raised brow.

“Well we still need to figure out how to get you home while minimizing the risk of hurting you with our magic,” Twilight said, licking her lips before she continued, “Not to mention we need to teach you some of our language. Maybe you can actually learn the written and spoken forms. Maybe you can also teach us some of your written language?”

I shrugged. “I guess I could teach you mine. It’s not as interesting as yours though.”

“Pfft, no way that’s true,” Starlight replied, waving her hoof at me nonchalantly. “I bet with what you teach us we can maybe blend the two together!”

I nearly lost my mind when she said that, my hands clasping the sides of my head in horror. “That would be akin to nuking Equestria and I’m not fond of that idea.”

“Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Oh no, she said the words. The phrase. The jinx. The terror. Now Equestria is going to get nuked because of freedom. I warned her about this.

“Well, I just gave you an idea, but now you just jinxed it. Looks like I’m going to die here.”

“No way we’re going to let that happen to you, Rick,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Spike agreed. “You survived nearly exploding into a million pieces by our magic. What’s a worse fate than that?”

I frowned. “I don’t want to give you ideas. They’ll most likely happen, knowing my luck with my life as a turbo virgin.”

“Don’t worry,” Starlight cooed, tapping me on the shoulder again before stepping away from the bed. “You’ll get ♋︎♌︎⬧︎□︎●︎◆︎⧫︎♏︎●︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎❍︎♓︎■︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎ ♌︎♏︎♎︎ eventually!”

Suddenly, two hooves covered Spike’s poor virgin ears. “Starlight!”

“Sorry,” Starlight apologized with a frown on her muzzle. “Forgot Spike was here.”

“Wait, what did she say?” I asked.

Twilight blushed a thousand shades of red. “She… s-she…”

“I said that you would get laid eventually.”

“Well of course,” I said, shrugging. I let out a confident hum before I continued, “It’s inevitable. The question is will I be stuck with this pain when I’m forty, or will my basement dwelling flash flood to force me out of hiding?”

“I…” Twilight began, only to let her voice drift away, much like my—

Spike used this opportunity of Twilight’s shock to push back against her, making the alicorn relinquish her grip around the poor dragon’s ears. With her out of the way, he made his point clear: “Twilight, I’m not a hatchling anymore. I’m way older than that. Plus, your hooves didn’t ‘save’ me from that one, Twilight. The only thing you possibly gave me was hearing loss.”

Twilight groaned. “Great, when we get home, I guess I have to explain to you the birds and the bees.”

“What?” Starlight said with a tilt of her head. “Didn’t you hear him? Spike most likely knows about what you’re referring to. Besides, even if he didn’t, I told him about sex last year. Even gave him some reference material because he was curious about what an ‘Angry Dragon’ was. I think he’s more than capable of understanding jokes like that.”

Twilight’s eyes nearly rolled out of her head as she nearly sucked out all the oxygen in the room again. “💧︎❄︎✌︎☼︎☹︎✋︎☝︎☟︎❄︎ 🕈︎☟︎✡︎!?”

Satan just came out of Twilight’s mouth, which definitely made Starlight shake in her jimmies. “S-Seemed like it was the right time? Plus he talks to his guy friends all the time and they make similar jokes. N-Not sure why this is a big deal—”

“Exactly!” Spike exclaimed. “Besides, I’m like twenty in pony years.”

Twilight exhaled rather loudly through her muzzle, before she took a very shaky, yet deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. I guess I’m overreacting. I don’t know at this point and—” Twilight paused as she spared a glance at the clock in the room (wait there was a clock here?) and gasped. “Guys, we need to stop fooling around! We have to get to Quills and Sofas before they close!”

Spike was about to retort, but Starlight beat him to the punch. “You’re not buying all their stock again, are you?”

“No, I get everything specially ordered to the castle now. However, they got my order wrong and I have to get the remainder of the supplies from their in-store location.” She groaned before she turned to me. She gave me one last smile. “We will see you tomorrow, okay?”

With that, she looped a wing around me, which I totally accepted. “Yeah. Hopefully the nurse will bring in something that doesn’t taste like part of a tire tomorrow.”

Twilight giggle-snorted at my suffering. “That bad?”

“I don’t know how you can screw up Jello. It’s just gelatin and some artificial flavoring.”

“Probably not just that, but at least you’re hopeful,” Starlight said. “Cya around, Rick.”

“Cya, Starlight,” I said to Starlight before turning my attention to Spike, who was still on the ground.

I weakly raised my arm and lowered to him with my fist curled up in a ball. “Cya around, Spike.”

The dragon returned it in stride and gave me a toothy grin, before he raced back to Starlight’s side. The three left the room, leaving me to my lonesome and a whirring machine.

It beeped, and beeped, and beeped, while my mind traveled elsewhere…

Rickcovery 2 - Make Me Feel At Home Again

Author's Note

Round 2: Electric Twilight. Also how do you drop 0's and 1's all over the place?

Translations for this chapter:

find home again

Rickcovery 2 - Make Me Feel At Home Again

I woke up to the sound of shuffling…

“Oh no, I think he’s waking up.”

In the middle of the night, I saw her again. Redheart, in the dark, stood out like a sore thumb: her white fur in the dark was still visible even with the lack of light, and those light blue eyes gave her even more-so away, while her attire, although dirtied, kept her in view. Next to her was a big tin bath with a bucket of what I could assume was water to the right. A towel was draped over the edge of the bath.

I tried to rationalize this picture, as anyone would. Nurse + towel + a bucket of water… Ice bucket challenge with a sleeping patient? Probably not. Maybe she was washing my old clothes? More likely, but still no. A bath for me? No way but I should probably—I sniffed my armpit—yeah maybe I do need one. But if it wasn’t for a bath, then why was she here with all of this?

Her frozen in headlights perspective made me speak before I could think any further:

“Uh… Redheart?”

The rendition of a mannequin in a mall suddenly came to life, if it had a life in the first place. “Y-Yes, it’s me. I’m sorry I woke you up with all the shuffling.”

“No worries,” I reassured her. “It’s just… I’m confused.”

“Oh, by the set up?” I nodded, which made her go straight to the knob next to the door. She gently turned it, causing the lights to slowly creep on. She kept the light dim for me to at least see what was around me and I was right… sort of: tub full of water right next to my bed, a red towel ready to be dampened with glee, and, well, Redheart in her nurse outfit, still looking like she was on the job.

The clipboard however was a bit odd. A piece of paper was attached to it. It looked like it had notes or something on it. What was she scribing?

“I know it’s a bit odd, but I was told by Twilight that I needed to also keep you… uh, clean, so to speak. I was going to wake you eventually so you could assist me but—”

“Why in the dead of the night, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It’s not in the dead of the night, Rick. It’s… Few past a sunrise.”

“Few past a sunrise? What are you asking me? Do you want me to order an egg sunny-side up?”

Redheart giggled softly behind her forehoof. “No, no, it’s been a few minutes since the sun came up. We just say it that way because it’s more telling, and it emphasizes the sun being, well, risen by the princess.”

“Interesting. So that means Twilight is up?”

“Yeah, she’s learned to become an earlier riser,” Redheart said with a snort. “And I’ve already learned that, especially with what my job entails.”

“Right,” I said with a hum. She’s probably a very sophisticated nurse with how she handles herself. Probably has the same issues in my world as she has here: her hours are determined by need. Your shift was for eight hours? Sorry, we stuttered, you’re now working sixteen hours. I shook my head. “So you’re waking me up with a bath?”

“Well, and breakfast, one that the doctor said will be way better for you than the…”

The nurse’s voice trailed off, which made me smirk. An opening. “Unshakable vomit on a plate?”

“That’s quite a way of describing it. And, I don’t know if you noticed but,” Redheart began, before she waved her hoof in front of me. Another ring? “I have one too now.”

“I see…” I mumbled. Precaution I suppose. “You think…”

“That my magic got you thinking elsewhere? Yes. Pretty certain it was the case too, so I asked Twilight if she could give me one before I entered your room. Glad she had one for the hoof, otherwise we would be having her trying to bathe you.”

“Glad you’re in, because I think I had enough PTSD from her that it would knock me into a magical coma.”

“Well we wouldn’t want that, now, would we?” Redheart asked, a cheeky grin gracing her face. She set her cap back in order before she spread her forehooves out, as if to say, ‘please, step off the examination table so we can see if you dance like a baboon, or if you act like a cat whose catnip was vodka-flavored’. “Would you mind if we got started?”

“Got started? Is there a place called privacy?”

“Yes, but you have to try and stand up so I know there’s no muscle atrophy or something.”

I shrugged. I could easily walk out of this room probably so this would be easy—

Suddenly, I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face, but luckily Redheart was able to catch myself from falling again. “I think I was right,” I heard her jingle, that sing-song tune becoming grating quickly.

I groaned. “G-Guess you were,” I said, breathing heavily. “Feels like I ran a marathon. What happened?”

“Doing too much for your body to handle. Think when we patched you up, that magic must have finally drained you too. Figures, the world of magic is still unknown to us in some ways.”

With the help of Redheart, I was able to stand up with my arm gripping onto the end of the examination table for dear life. I calmed myself down to help me try and go slower. Slowly I was able to take a few steps, with that mare viewing my every move.

“Are you enjoying this?” I asked.

“Pain is part of the job. There’s nothing to gain here other than recovery of the patient.”

“Poetic,” I replied, earning a smile from the mare.

“It’s… I’ve seen a lot. Those experiences helped me become the nurse I am today, and some may argue even the pony too, but I don’t know. College helped reinforce some bad habits…”

I stayed silent for once, taking another step towards the other side of the room. There, I gently bent myself down to take a seat in the chair, which Redheart noticed immediately and came to my side, her hooves directing me into the chair.

I slumped in the chair and smiled. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Redheart said, returning the gesture. She sat on her flanks. “I think you can walk now, just make sure you don’t go too fast and you will be set on that front.”

“Perfect, I won’t. Now, uh…”

Don’t know why I said whatever I said after ‘perfect, I won’t’, but here I was looking like a babbling idiot.

“Now…?” She asked with a slight head tilt.

“I have something on my mind that I think you might be able to help me with.”

“Really? Is it about your condition?”

I shook my head. I set my hands in my lap, and began to go down that rabbit hole as I rubbed my thumb once more. “No, more like… a question about mental health so to speak.”

“Well, I’m not a licensed therapist, but if you truly think—”

I held my hand up. “Don’t worry, I already had a consultation back home. This is different.”

Redheart’s lips formed into an awkward, tweaking ‘O’. She must’ve seen my raised brow as the tint of her cheeks began to blossom forth, while her lips settled back to normal. I resisted the urge to chuckle, but the nervousness crept in again, keeping me at bay. I cleared my throat.

“So, I don’t know if you ever had this situation presented to you before, but… have you ever had a sense of familiarity on a trip but feel like something is out of place?”

Redheart cupped her chin with a forehoof, before tapping the edge of it lightly. “Yes,” she hummed, her tone low. “I remember going on a trip as a volunteer to assist a village outside Las Pegasus. Familiar, yet many things seemed foreign.”

I sighed and scratched the back of my head. “It’s freaky, because unlike what you’re thinking, I have to take this a step beyond that. Back on Earth, humans were the only ones that could walk, talk, and chew bubblegum. Now that I’m here, I’m all out of bubblegum, and I am pretty sure ponies can do the same thing.”

“Pretty sure?” Redheart asked with a giggly yet inquisitive tone. Her lips trended upward. “Why are you only pretty sure?”

“Well, I haven’t seen it truly happen, but knowing what I’ve seen so far, I’ve seen talking ponies and talking dragons. Those don’t exist in my world, and they certainly don’t behave like us. Heck, even if the dragons didn’t talk, they don’t exist in that capacity either. They’re only myths told in epics, that is, unless you count a komodo dragon as one. It’s like a poser in name only, a wannabe dragon.”

“Spike would probably want to hear about that,” Redheart said with a giggle.

“Probably,” I began, before letting out a chuckle. I calmed down rather quickly though, my mind focused on getting this out. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be here for but I feel… lost. Stressed and certainly lost. Like I don’t belong here.”

The words escaped me finally. I wasn’t thinking of this every second of the day, let alone every day in general. It just crept up. Everything served as a distraction, a mind-numbing collision course that ended up with me wondering if I was even alive still.

I watched as Redheart processed what I said. Her face was unreadable, save for a twitch of her lip, and she was still cupping her muzzle, pondering over each detail with a fine comb. Once it appeared she was finished, she scooted closer to me and laid a forehoof on my shaky hand (wait why was it shaking).

“While I would say that you need a therapist to answer this for you, I think you’re right. I do know what to say.’ She took a deep breath and smiled. “It’s okay.”

“It’s okay?”

“Yeah. You’re okay. It’s fine to feel stressed, lost, and alone. It’s normal to feel this way. The best thing to do is keep feeling distracted, let these familiarities in so you can leave those feelings of stress and loneliness behind.” Her watery eyes glowed in the light. “I know it’s hard now, but maybe you can ♐︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ♒︎□︎❍︎♏︎ ♋︎♑︎♋︎♓︎■︎. I'm here for you, and so is Twilight and her friends. We're all here for you.”

This was the first time in the world someone’s interpretation of a language; which, in this instance, sounded like someone stubbed their toe, while being smothered with a pillow, and was forced to listen to ‘Friday’ by RB for ten hours; suddenly sounded like music to my ears. Comfort didn’t seem to be far away, and with this mare, I felt like I had gained a friend. Either that, or she was doing this because this was her job and she’ll get paid to be my friend for just a moment. Shallowness was always a hard thing for me to read in people—er, ponies in this case.

I frowned. “I know. I guess that feeling of being lost is unshakable.”

Redheart surprisingly shook her head. “No, it’s not unshakable. You just feel like your world is falling apart.”

“To be fair, I did actually see it fall apart, but you wouldn’t know that.”

“Huh?” Redheart said with a raised brow.

I chuckled. “Yeah, it was a dream. I met Luna in it. She’s… great to talk to.”

Redheart nodded slowly, as if she was digesting my words. She let out a slight hum before she spoke, “She protects everyone no matter if you asked for it or not. It’s a duty that sounds like she can’t shake off either.”

“Is it not supposed to be her duty anymore?”

“Technically not, but habits die hard.”

Felt myself bobbing to that one. “True.”

“Yeah…” she mumbled, rubbing her eyes with her forehooves. A quick yawn escaped her. “Sorry, even though I took a nap before I came in, I still feel absolutely drained.” She gave me her best, ‘I am not dead tired’ impression, her lips forming into a grin. “I hope this helped you.”

“It did, yeah. I appreciate you talking to me about this. I feel that—”

“They wouldn’t understand you?” Redheart finished with certainty.

I pulled the rug out from underneath her by shaking my head. “Nope. I didn’t want Twilight and her friends to worry. Having someone else whose job is to worry about me felt a bit more… right to ask.”

The mare got off her flanks and surprised me by rubbing her cheek against mine. “I’m glad you asked. It was the right thing to do.”

This felt like the first time I truly felt comfort here in horselandia. This mare didn't have to sit down with me to talk about this. She didn't have to console me, tell me that everything was right. She didn't even have to nuzzle me, but her being here, it was like she was nuzzling me back to health, so to speak. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t feel like it was time for that. I needed to pull myself together, but I didn’t want to feel alone anymore.

I pulled her close and thanked her profusely. She returned the gesture and told me it was okay. It was okay to feel alone. It was okay to be feeling foreign in this way. It was only temporary, right? Shouldn’t be something I need to worry about.

Maybe I should talk to Starlight about this to see what she thinks. She seemed down to earth like Redheart.

It only took Redheart and I a few moments to separate, before she left the room and gave me the privacy to finally get naked and take a bath. I took my time getting undressed, making sure I didn’t fall on my ass because that would be incredibly embarrassing. Thankfully, karma didn’t curse me with fate, as I was able to strip down and take my bath without injury.

The only thing that was on my mind was a lingering sensation, one that traveled down my spine. Uncertainty? Maybe, or it was a bad case of gas.

I shrugged as I cleaned myself off and threw on my gown. Yeah, I need to talk to someone about it. Only time will tell when I get that chance.

No One's To Blame (☜︎⌧︎♍︎♏︎◻︎⧫︎ 💣︎♏︎)

I had gone back to bed to get some more shuteye, but then I realized that sleep was a waste and now my brain is more active than a couple rabbits trying to repopulate. I knew why I was acting this way. I was stressed because Nurse Redheart had told me that I needed to talk to someone about my feelings. I had someone in mind, and that pony, even though we’ve only talked a few times, had me worried. Why? I was worried about what she would think of me, and how this all would fall into place. Actually, I might be lying. I’m only worried because, well… the human brain likes to do this.

Okay, maybe that's a lie too, like a terrible cover up for a scandal. It’s because I actually care. I care about what she thinks. She’s made it easier to at least digest all of this, but I have a feeling I know what she’ll say to me. She’ll say something like “Rick, you’re overthinking this. Relax. Take-Ten Interactive.” She probably wouldn’t say the last part unless it was in magical horse language, but I digress. Point being is she would read me my rights and privileges, even if they were in very small print, and I’m worried she’ll hate what I have to say in response.

I don’t know. All I know is I need to get my ass up and tell her as soon as possible, so I can then take a long nap called hibernation. I sighed, got my ass up, and took a few seconds to stretch. Once I was done simulating what one would do during yoga, I got dressed (just kidding I’m in the infirmary, so I got this one-piece gown that makes me feel like I’m naked with an asterisk next to it) and waited patiently for said pony to greet me.

Three.

Two.

One.

“Hey, Rick, are you awake?”

I could hear her voice through the door. I took a shaky, deep breath and put on a happy face. “Yep. I am. Come on in.”

My tired voice must have concerned her as she yelped and quickly fondled the doorknob. Once she figured out how to open a door, Starlight slammed it wide open, sending the door crashing into the wall. She walked in with a cart that only had a small plate of classic breakfast cuisine on it. She quickly set that aside though, and scurried to shut the door. The door clicked rather unceremoniously shut, but the sudden locking of said door made me raise a brow. She sensed something was wrong with me already? And why does she have this glint in her eyes?

Starlight, in all her glory, stared me down before she spoke to me softly.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I tilted my head. “You can tell?”

Starlight made her way to my bedside, before sitting on her flanks. She nodded. “Yep. Your eyes are bloodshot. Bad dream?”

“Not exactly,” I said, before glancing at the open door. No one else had entered but her. Where’s…? “Where’s Nurse Redheart?”

“She’s just down the hall. I can wave her down for you if anything’s hurting or what not.”

“No, I’m just confused as to why you’re delivering my food and not her.”

Starlight smirked. “Thought I’d save you from the terrible food this place had to offer, so I whipped up a breakfast you can’t deny, otherwise Redheart will bring that infirmary garbage."

“Guess I have no reason to deny you. Was that all? I mean, wouldn’t this place be a bit more untrustworthy that a patient’s friend brought food unapproved by the doctor or a nurse?”

“Well, see, technically Redheart did approve it, since she said it was fine to deliver your breakfast to you. She also said it would ‘allow her to focus on getting Rick back on his feet faster’. Sounds like she wants you out of her mane.”

“That would be funny if that was the case, but no, she probably knows I’m walking out today,” I said, rubbing my head.

“Yet again, you don’t look like you’re better. But that’s probably because you’re tired and need some more rest.”

“I’ll just tell them that I’ll take a catnap after I get my mind all sorted.”

“So there was something wrong with you…”

Starlight’s voice trailed off, but not before she set a hoof on my leg. She didn’t slap it or anything, but she gently held it there, grazing over my gown. I sighed.

“You’re not going to hate me with what I’m about to say, right?”

“Depends on what you have to say, but I most likely won’t.”

I raised a brow at that. “What’s the dependency?”

“If you tell me that you hate me, then of course I have all the power in the world to hate you back.”

“Perfect, because that’s not what I was going to say.”

Starlight smiled. “Good, then don’t worry. I won’t hate you.”

My heart decided to perform a loop-de-loop in my body as butterflies (or bad gas again) filled me with a sense of urgency to get rid of them. “Great. I’ve been putting this off for some time so…”

“Really? Are you frustrated? Is it your time of the month? I don’t know if human anatomy is the same for us mares but—”

“No, no, guys don’t stream Red on Spotify. Don’t worry, I’m not frustrated. I just feel like I’m trying to win a gold medal in mental gymnastics, and from what I’ve heard from the commentators of the mental olympics, they say I am on track to win gold, so at least I’m successful at something.”

“Congratulations on your mental anguish, I guess. This sounds like this has been happening for quite some time.”

“Yeah… I’ve had this ever since I’ve been put in that room. I just never vocalized it. And now it’s escalated due to me getting knocked out by everyone’s magic.”

Starlight gently rubbed my leg. “Well, I never thought I’d knock someone out with my magic. Sorry about that.”

I put my hand out and held her hoof there. “Not your fault. You and Twilight were operating on a hunch and you wanted to make sure you were right.”

Starlight retracted her hoof. She looked away for a brief moment before looking back at me with her wide eyes. “I guess if you want to validate what we were doing. Still, though, I’m surprised and thankful that you’re sharing this with me.”

“Really?”

Starlight bobbed her head before she cracked a small smile. “Yeah, I mean, I thought you were going to avoid me after everything happened. In your POV, I strangled you with a pillow and tried to kill you—”

I let out a chuckle, which caught Starlight completely off guard as she winced. “You’re not wrong about that. Was thinking ‘why is this bitch trying to strangle me’. My brain messed with me after that, thinking that everyone was out to get me, but I knew better. There had to be a reason for all this, especially since you were also trying to help me. And I was right, right?”

Starlight giggled. “Yeah. You were right.”

“Exactly. No one would just one-eighty from being extremely helpful to serial killer unless they were royally and mentally tarnished upstairs, or they were a pro-skater trying to attempt to do a 900 instead. So, I thought I’d give you a second chance.”

“Glad you did,” Starlight said. She slowly set her right hoof to the side of the bed as she continued, “Hopefully we can start on the right hoof this time.”

“Was that intentional?” I said, pointing at her hoof.

Starlight giggle-snorted. “Yes.”

“Good, because you’re on the right track,” I replied, meeting her hoof with my right hand.

We keeled over in laughter like two friends laughing at something only they would laugh at. It was good to get all that anxiousness out of me, and it was even better that I chose her to confide with. I knew Starlight was the right pony to get myself put back together. Only a bit of worry resided now, as I wanted to know what her advice would be.

So, I channeled some gusto, calmed myself down from my contact high, and cleared my throat.

“So…”

“So…?”

“This whole mental gymnastics thing I got going on…”

“Yeah?” Starlight said with a head tilt.

Every time she did this, her ear would twitch. Pony behaviors, man. “It’s hard to comprehend. I get that this magic is messing with me but it’s gotten me traumatized.”

“I hope I didn’t damage you too much.”

I shook my head. “No, but I do plan to sue you for damages. Cough up ten bucks and a free week stay/park access to any theme park of my choosing, and I’ll drop the charges.”

“Ten bucks? Like kicks?”

I forgot they were still horses. I facepalmed. “No, no, like dollars. Money. That green cash hash.”

Starlight nearly broke her neck. “Bits, you mean?”

“Yeah. Bits. Give me the equivalent in USD and we’re good.”

“I don’t know what the conversion rate of that is, but we’ll get that sent to you for you to… probably do nothing with.”

“Right, I’ll hold that cash money to remind me of your generosity.”

“That’s not me at all. That’s Rarity’s job.”

“Good, because you don’t need to take her job. To me, you’re fine as you are.”

The words rolled out of my mouth like thunder. I didn’t have time to take them back, as it just felt natural to say, but man the reaction I got was something else.

Starlight, who I have never seen this way, was blushing. Her eyes were wide, her cheeks wore a reddish tint, and her magic tried to fizzle to life, but the ring around her head reminded her of her judgment day, which made her blush turn into pain. She yelped, and shook her head as she let out a flurry of stutters.

“Y-You d-didn’t mean it that way, r-right?”

“What do you mean?” I said, leaning toward her.

She slid back a bit. “You don’t like us like that.”

“Like you like what?” I asked. “Did you think of it in another way that I’m not reading into?”

Starlight gasped. “Uh…”

Then, it hit me. Oops. “Oh.”

That’s all I could say, my mind racing. I am way more smooth than I thought. Thankfully, my brain caught up to my emotions and continued, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“N-No, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I-I just t-thought of something else for a moment!”

“R-Right,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. I let out an awkward chuckle. “Anyway, let’s get back to my problem before I cause more problems.”

Starlight shook her head. “Good.”

“So, I have this feeling of being lost, like I don’t know what to truly believe anymore. And that’s caused me to also feel like I’m alone in this world. I’m just here in a room, drifting nowhere, y’know?”

Starlight was about to say something, but it was like the words couldn’t come out. Either that, or she was choosing what she wanted to say. Maybe she was closer to this type of thing than what I thought?

I watched as she battled herself, her muzzle scrunching up like an accordion, while she ever-so-slightly pursed her lips. After a few moments, she took a deep breath and began to search for the right words, “I… never felt that way, I guess. I mean I took over a town right? Then I was alone once all that power I had was taken away from me, but I haven’t felt what you’re feeling. I wasn’t taken from a completely different world where things were different. However, I do have a suggestion if you don’t mind.”

“Shoot,” I began, propping myself up with my arm. “Anything is better than nothing at this point.”

“Okay, bear with me. I have to ask a few questions first. This will help you, I promise.”

“Sure… that’s what they all say.”

“They?”

“It’s a joke. Anyway, what do you got for me?”

“Why do you feel alone?”

I tilted my head and pointed at the obvious: her. “Newsflash, you’re not a human.”

“Obviously, thanks for pointing that out,” Starlight said with an eye roll.

I threw my hands up in the air. “What did you want me to say?”

“The obvious. It was just painfully obvious. But I do want to point out something that you didn’t say.”

“That I didn’t say?”

Starlight looked me directly between the eyes, and with a clearing of the throat, laid a truth bomb on the top of my head, “Are you really alone?”

I was about to say yes when I realized something. I was talking to her, I had talked to a nurse, a doctor, a purple maniac, her best friend who breathes fire, her friend group who all have varying degrees of crack addictions—they all were here for me. They wanted to talk to me, or rather, they were told to talk to me thanks to Twilight.

Now I knew what Starlight was getting at. I shook my head. “I guess not.”

“Why?”

“Because you all exist.”

Starlight cracked a smile and patted me on the head gently with her foreleg. “Exactly. Celestia above, you’ll most likely gain more friends once we figure out how to get you to not eat all the magic in the area, but my point still stands.”

I was about to retort with something that would help me understand her more, but then something stuck out to me. “Celestia above? Who died?”

Starlight face-to-hoof’d, because it totally look like she planted her face on that hoof of hers. “No one died. It’s a… turn of phrase.”

“Right…” I said while I raised a brow, which earned me a disgruntled grunt from Starlight. I chuckled and dished out that retort of mine. “So you say that I’ll gain more friends, but do you really know that, Starlight?”

The words rolled out of my mouth and into her ears. They twitched, once again, and her muzzle did the twist. She even let out a snort, like a frustrated reminder that next week was the beginning of the work week and Starlight hated her job or something—

“No. Not 100%,” Starlight began. She kept me in place, her hoof grazing my leg again. “But I know one thing about you that makes me want to talk to you more.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’re strong. Even if you don’t believe it, I know that you are. You’re stronger than most ponies I know, especially that you’re still somewhat sane despite everything you’ve been through.”

I blinked. I have never been complimented like this before. “Uhh… thanks?”

“You’re welcome. But I hope you realize that I’m not finished. You’re not feeling alone, you’re feeling homesick.”

Homesick. The words rang in my ears like a sweet song from yesteryear. I frowned as she nailed my brain with approximately twenty nails straight into my skull.

“You don’t know what to believe in, Rick. You don’t believe that you’re really here. You’re waiting for the moment that you’ll wake up back home and everything will be over. Of course, every time you go to bed, you wake up in the same room, and the cycle continues.”

“I…” I felt the words begin to clog my throat. She really kicked my face in with that. I miss home. I miss everything and yet I… “I kind of feel that. No, wait, I totally feel that way. I try not to think of home as much as I know I’ll get there soon but—”

“Rick, you know that’s not healthy, right?”

I reluctantly nodded. “I know, but I don’t want to accept that—”

“You might not return home?”

The words fell out of her mouth and hit me right where my blood clots. I took a shaky breath in an attempt to compose myself, but Starlight was unwavering, waiting for me to respond.

I took another deep gulp of air that sent shivers down my spine. I responded in kind, “I really don’t want to think that way.”

“You have to at least remember home. You know, so that way you can give yourself a good picture of it every time you remember it.”

“Even if it hurts or stresses me out?”

“It could, but only if you let it. I’d rather you remember your home fondly just in case you can’t go back.”

I felt my heart fall out of my ass with everything I heard. My worst nightmares raced in my mind. Never going home. Never seeing mom, dad, and that little asshole next door who threw snowballs at my window every winter—I miss them. I’d even miss my college friends, who all thought that, as a collective, teepeeing the dean’s office would be a great idea. I’d miss all those times I could’ve had if I just did something, and now, possibly, I’ll never be able to see them again. I’ll never be able to redeem myself. I’ll have to stream Red without Spotify. It’s just a terrible reality that I don’t want to face.

But… those words. Letting stress beat me would make me look like a fool. That noise isn’t me. I just need to suck it up and start fresh if that happens. I can’t let my circumstances kick me to the curb!

I struggled through the pain, but I let my thoughts free, “I guess… I guess you’re right. So you’re saying I should not worry, but only be cognizant of it?"

Starlight twirled her hoof around like that was the whole point the whole time. “Exxxxactly. Not to mention all this magic has made you even more worried. I mean, you couldn’t even trust yourself at some points, I bet.”

“Yeah, judgment calls were hard to make,” I said through a weak, strained chuckle. “But I powered through.”

“Yep. And I know you will again. That’s how you are, Rick. Trust me, at least. Not only have faith in yourself but have faith in us. Twilight and I won’t make the same mistake twice. There will be no more magic used around you until we’ve found a way to plug up your magic absorption, mister.”

I shoved my hands up. “Okay, okay, I got you. But…”

“But what? This seems pretty straightforward, right?”

“Kind of. I’m still worried about how I’m going to cope with all this.”

I felt the nervous tick embrace me, and I let it go wild. My thumb gently grazed the underside of my other hand, and I rubbed it slowly, hoping that I could distract myself. Unfortunately, Starlight wasn’t on the same plane of distraction. Instead, she was sailing on the S.S. Pay Attention, Maggot.

“What do you want me to do, Rick? Hold you and rock you to sleep every night?”

I waved her off. “Pfft, no! You’re not my mother.”

Starlight giggled at that one. “If I was your mother, that would be not only impossible, but also weird. Would you be considered a defective foal then?”

I blinked, waited, and then blinked again. “Defective what? I hope not at least. And what I meant by the coping bit is to—"

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Just talk to us. Tell us what’s wrong. If you don’t tell me or anypony else something, we won’t know that we had a magic misfire happen and you’re suddenly seeing Twilight trying to flap her wings like a bird and squawking—”

“This is so oddly specific. Is there a story here?”

“There is, but I’ll only reward you with it when we don’t have magic using your judgment like a tornado.”

“Are you saying that I won’t believe it because magic is affecting me?”

Starlight nodded. “Yes. You wouldn’t believe what Twilight did to get to that point. Let’s just say it involved peas, an electric floor waxer, and two jars of moonshine.”

“Right…” I let my voice trail off, my brow raised in tandem with that sudden silence. Starlight picked up on it and nudged me gently with her hoof. We laughed it off for a moment, just being happy that we understood each other. Heck, Starlight has gotten a lot cooler for doing this for me. She’s made everything feel… okay, even if I need to entertain the possibility of not going home. I’ll have friends here to support me if I have to go down that route…

I sighed. “So, you want me to tell you if there’s something wrong with me?”

“B-Basically. Hopefully when I get to tell you this story, you’ll laugh again with me. It’s so good.”

“I bet,” I said, snickering. I smiled. “I’ll let you know if I have anything wrong with me.”

“Good, because if you don’t, I’ll have to ramble to you in Equestrian, and I know how much you hate how it sounds.”

“It’s not that I hate it…”

“Oh? Maybe I can distract you from all this by teaching you it.”

“Good, because I think you advertised that to me briefly before. When do we start?”

“Probably when magic stops affecting your body most likely. We’ll have to find something for you to do in the meantime…”

“Definitely,” I said in reply. “I’ll be extremely bored if you just kept me in that room again.”

“Noted. Not that we intend on you being bored out of your mind. You have other friends to talk to, remember?”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Exactly. And hey, when that’s all fixed, it’ll be easier to distract yourself. I mean, maybe we could go to a restaurant or something and celebrate your no-longer-going-to-explode-into-a-million-pieces party!”

“Yet again, oddly specific. Has that happened before?”

Starlight shook her head but then smiled. “No, but I know Pinkie would totally name your party that. She’s a natural at naming those.”

“Alright, I have no choice. Promise me that and I’ll keep myself out of harm’s way.”

To my surprise, Starlight shook her head here. “I would promise you, but then I feel like Pinkie would somehow drop in and sumo slam me to the ground, only for her to tell me that I need to observe your promise by observing how to do one.”

My eyes widened at that possibility. Pinkie could suplex her friend? My mind created several different MMA style arenas to showcase this, but then I realized that would be stupid and sent those outrageous ideas packing. “Okay, I’ll take your word then.”

“Good, because I’m not going through that whole routine. Last time I did, I actually poked my eye and had to wash it out because some dirt got stuck in my eyelid.”

“Nice. Did you blink a lot after?”

“That’s for me to know and for me only. I would not want that mental trauma on your hoove—er, hands.”

I chuckled. “Gotcha. Still, anything else?"

Starlight frowned. “My wisdom is exhausted at the moment. Like I said, I’ve never been in your position before, but I know for a fact you’re not alone. Talk to us, and we can be your distraction for a while. We can try and verify what is actually happening around you, but it’s up to you to figure out what is true and what isn’t. Besides, from what I know about you, you probably even know what is true and what isn’t already!"

“I guess I do. I just—”

“You’re over worrying and it’s stressing you out. Magic will eat you alive if you continue to do that,” Starlight pointed out with her hoof pointing square at me.

I hung my head. “I think I’ve said you’re right way too much, but it’s going to be a habit. Guess I just need to take a few chill pills.”

Starlight’s eyes boggled out of her head. “You had those in your world?”

I shrugged. “If you count antidepressants as chill pills, then sure! But nah, it was a figure of speech. A goofy one, but it works.”

The mare looked like she was completely disappointed in my reply, but then she sighed and saw reason. “Fair. We have a few of those, but knowing your ears, they’ll sound like we’re being tortured in a back alley somewhere in Manehatten.”

Did I say reason? I meant to say she wanted to torture me with that possibility. I scampered to her statement and pointed back at her. “Now you’re understanding what I’m hearing!”

“⬧︎□︎❒︎❒︎⍓︎ ♓︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎ ⬧︎◻︎♏︎♋︎🙵 ♌︎♏︎⧫︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎■︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎. Hopefully that sounded like I was drowning in a pool of water.”

“More like you were inhaling the entire ocean, but I digress. It still bothers me that I can talk to you guys.”

“Why so?”

“It just feels too good to be true. Most alien encounters I saw in movies were always where the alien did not speak English. They spoke in some other way: colors, symbols, giant floating inflatable green monsters; you name it, the movies definitely captured it.”

“I mean, if they did speak English, isn’t that because the people who made the movies also spoke English?”

“Of course—I mean that’s obvious.”

Starlight hummed to herself, rubbing her chin with her forehoof. “Then that was what they thought would’ve worked, or rather, what would’ve made sense for the audience.”

“True… And you said your wisdom was in short supply.”

“Touché. I hope what I told you helped you.”

“It did. Thanks, Starlight.”

“No problem. Anything I can do for a friend is what matters to me! Now, do you want something else to eat before I send Rainbow Dash here?”

I imagined a world where I could eat loads of bacon on top of bacon. Then I grew thirty-five pounds in my mind, and then vanished into thin air. “Sure I would like a bit of—” My mind caught up to what Starlight said and skirted to a halt. “Wait, why are you sending Rainbow Dash here?”

“She’s the only other pony that I think is traumatized as much as you. I mean she was the last pony to really see you before you knocked out on the floor, remember?”

“Right… I remember I was talking to her and then everything went black.”

“Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to her, as she definitely remembers that differently. One moment she’s gloating about us to you, and the next you’re ‘dead’ and she’s wailing for us to help you—”

My eyes widened. “Okay, yeah that’s not good. Definitely get me something to eat but bring her up something as well. Give her whatever she likes to eat too—we both need comfort food for this talk.”

“I’m not your waitress, but as you wish. And don’t get used to this. I’m not going to serve you every time you faint.”

I gave her a thumbs up. “I’ll try not to have a track record of nearly dying.”

“You better not have a track record!” Starlight said as she turned tail and made her way towards the door. She stopped at the cart she had tossed to the side, picked out the plate, and stopped in her tracks. “Uhh, your food might be a bit cold now. We kind of lost track of how long we talked and—”

I reached out and signaled with my hands to ‘hand over the precious booty’. “Gimme.”

“You’re okay with—”

“Yes. Nourishment is required at this very moment, and my stomach demands it.”

Starlight quietly gave me my plate of food. The steam was gone, but the smell was still inviting. My mouth watered at the sight: egg, grapes, a banana, and some toast. A classic breakfast of champions.

I watched as Starlight smiled at me, before she waved goodbye. I waved back but stopped myself from digging into my food. I had one more thing to say to the mare before she brought up Rainbow Dash. “Wait, Starlight!”

Starlight turned around once more. “Yeah?”

I gave her a cheeky grin. “Thanks.”

“Thanks?”

“Thank you for talking to me about that. I appreciate it.”

Starlight cracked one too. “You’re welcome. Now get eating!”

“Yes ma’am!” I said with a mock salute. I dug into the plate and devoured it happily. I was too focused on success to see Starlight chuckle to herself before she left the infirmary, leaving me to my own happiness.

Author's Note

Red is actually good, stream them on Spotify.

Translations in order as they appear:

Except me
Sorry I can speak better than you

With that being said, hope you enjoy this chapter and are hyped for the next! Glad I found some time to edit this one today (this weekend kicked my ass).

Dissonance Of 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎

Author's Note

Title: Dissonance of U & I (reference to the 2nd chapter btw).

Oh we are SO back.

Other than the title, there was not a need for translations. Will be taking feedback on how I should do translations with wingdings in the future as well as any feedback you all have about the story! I'm leaning on making this as comfortable of a reading experience as I can for all of you.

Shoutout to Barracuda cyborg for helping me with my Rainbow Dash (once again). Without him, you would be getting Twilight 2.0, minus the addiction to knowledge and crack.

Lastly, if you want to read the comeback blog that I have posted in correlation with this one to see what I have planned for this fic, here's a quick link to that: link.

Dissonance Of 🕆︎ 🕮︎ ✋︎

The food was great thus far, and I’m not even joking. If I stay here without moving my ass, I will probably keel over from gaining three hundred pounds of overjoyed taste testing. The eggs were light and fluffy, the banana was tasty, and the grapes were as they always are: sweet and sour. The toast, while cold, still had a bit of crunch, and the jelly spread they gave me felt like heaven. Honestly, Starlight gave me a food coma on a silver platter without even considering it Thanksgiving. Thankfully, I was considering it now, as I wiped my chops and got that little bit of toast out in-between my teeth.

I licked my lips and set the plate aside. Where was Rainbow Dash at? And why wasn’t she in here eating breakfast with me? Maybe she already ate and was not down for seconds. Or maybe she was down with a sickness. Either way, it was just an empty room now with an even emptier plate that sat directly to my right, on a lone stand.

I sighed. I thought back to the conversation Starlight and I had. Finding oneself never felt so… rewarding. Felt like my therapist back home could take some pointers. Or maybe I didn’t need a therapist and just needed someone who cared. I don’t know, I’ll leave that to the experts, which in this case, were magic induced hyper-driven horses with an agenda of language and capitalism—err… maybe not the capitalism bit.

This whole magic thing has been brutal. It was a lopsided affair that I couldn’t seem to get a grasp of. One minute, I was listening to someone scraping a chalkboard through a headset on max volume, while the next I was in a comedy skit, only with much more realism and a brutal case of “the itch”. It all felt like a losing battle with not much hope in sight, much like the Bears who keep losing football games—and now I’m depressed again about sports.

How does this happen to me and only me? Does the world want to see my Bears suffer?

I rested my head in my hands. No, this is way bigger than the Bears, and honestly, it’s way bigger than me. All I need to know is that I’m here, and I exist and that I should never lose sight of who I am. After all, Starlight said it best:

“You have to at least remember home. You know, so that way you can give yourself a good picture of it every time you remember it.”

I do not want to lose what has made me who I am, and… if that magic is willing to not only rip it from my grubby fingers but also atttempting to kill me in the process, then I can’t let that happen, and I won't let it happen. Besides, home is what you make of it. So I guess if I’m here, and this is real, then I need to make this a temporary ‘home’. You know, like a hotel stay for way longer than I have the money for. I guess this is what life wants from me now, and if that's the case, I can't forget the goal. I have to keep that dream alive of returning back to that television screen, to that terrible football game, and most importantly, to my family.

The world that I remembered dissipated, dissolving my hopes and dreams. Loud hoofsteps clip-clopped their way outside my door, the clicking on the tile floor etched into my mind. I watched the door as if it was a breaking news story from one of those popular news stations. I couldn’t believe that Rainbow Dash wanted to see me. Not after what happened. Not after what she had said about her friends.

But that reality came to fruition, as the door came ajar, gently. And out from behind the door came that mane of hers, this time not as windswept but just as polychromatic. It was there, with some hairs sticking out of place. Her face was wrinkled and her eyes were like thin red thunderbolts etching out of bounds. Streaks from yesterday still were there on her cheeks, two matted trails lay in their wake.

She walked into the room, taking a brief pause to pull herself up to see me in the bed. Then, she haphazardly sat to my right side, being mindful of the bar that kept me from rolling off the bed. Upon a closer look, I noticed something odd about her. Her wings. They were bound to her sides… with rope. A lot of rope.

Was she into bondage?

“Rainbow Dash?”

Her ears twitched at hearing her name. She looked up at me. “What?”

“What’s with the get-up?” I said, making a perfect loop-de-loop around her wings with my finger.

She frowned. “I don’t wanna risk having them open while I’m here with you.”

“Let me guess… magic?”

She nodded, albeit curtly. Her mouth barely managed to squeak out what she wanted to say, “I’m sorry.”

I patted her head. “It’s not your fault, Rainbow.”

“It is!” She snapped her head out of my light grasp. Her lips formed into rapid hieroglyphs as she spoke, “I was the last pony that saw you and you LITERALLY passed out in front of me! How could you say that it’s not my fault when I was the last pony with you? I knew I should’ve stopped talking when I saw you looking at me like you saw a ghost and—”

“Nope. Not buying that for a second. Not even with a Chase Freedom Unlimited Card with Cash Back rewards.”

“How?” Her gaze drew away from me, going south. “How can you even say that?”

“Because you were the last pony in. Keyword: last. You said it yourself. I was probably getting lots of magic from everyone else that you just happened to ice the magical cake of death and destruction before it was sent into production in some not-so-far-away land named Rick. Population: me, myself, and I.”

She exhaled through her nostrils on that one. “I’m still at fault, aren’t I?”

“Five percent deductible will be paid by you in full. Thank you for your patronage.”

“What?”

I shook my head. I could feel my lips tug up a bit. “Look, you only sent me on an express train to the surgeon’s room because I was overloaded with everyone’s magic, not just yours. So really, in the grand scheme of things, it was everyone’s fault, wasn’t it?”

“I guess… but still—”

“Rainbow, you didn’t know that I would literally turn into a thermonuclear warhead full of magic pixie dust and a banner that reads KABOOOOOM in bold letters.”

She hung her head further—hope her neck doesn’t snap. “Right…”

“Then why are you hung up on it? You know, it’s not your responsibility to be my caretaker or any—”

She interrupted me by snapping back to my gaze. “I know! I know.” She paused to keep herself in order, even settling to look anywhere else but me. “It’s just… personal.”

“Pride?”

“Gesundheit,” she said, pointing a forehoof at me.

I rolled my eyes. “Well don’t beat yourself up. It’s not that big of a deal and—”

“Dude,” she said, poking my chest with the same exact forehoof. “You nearly died.”

I ruffled her bedhead of a mane. “And?”

“And you’re not upset?”

I cracked a smile momentarily as I continued to ruffle her mane. “Nope. I was upset about other things. Like why you were sounding like a demon that came straight out of hell to talk so badly about your friends.”

“That wasn’t me…”

“I know, but that’s what I heard while being high off the magic chronicles.”

She rolled her eyes, while also batting away my arm. “Did Twilight ever tell you how much of a dork you are?”

“No, she is the one you’re after. I’m just a visitor.”

“Visitor in a gown,” Rainbow Dash said, eying my attire. She paused and let out a shaky breath. “You shouldn’t be…”

I raised my eyebrow tenfold. “Shouldn’t be…?”

She sighed and got up from my bedside. “You shouldn’t be in this room.”

“Then where should I be, Rainbow?”

She stopped in her tracks, frozen. She turned her head back and said a phrase I wasn’t expecting. “I don’t know, just not here. Seeing you like this doesn’t make sense to me.” She trotted back over. “Look, I’ve been feeling guilty about this, so bare with me—”

“Okay but—”

“Nope. No interrupting me this time, buster.” When she said buster, she poked me again, this time on my chest. “You aren’t like us. Yet, you’re here and you… matter.”

I blinked once, twice, and then three times more. “How did you know?”

“Nopony ever asks that question without thinking like that; plus I’ve heard Spike ask that before.”

“Really? Does Twilight—”

“—know?” I nodded, and she gave a small smile. “Yeah, she told me to talk to him about it. Even though they’ve been together all his life, he’s always felt… different. I told him he’s basically one of us. He’s different, but in a good way.”

“And he took that well?”

I could see her wings try to unfurl, which made Rainbow Dash wince a bit. But then she smiled, albeit through the annoyance of not being able to express herself like she should. “Why don’t you ask him when you get out?”

“Touché,” I said, snapping my finger. I cracked my neck, which made Rainbow Dash tilt her head. “Don’t worry, I had a crick in it and needed to get it out.”

“Is the pillow not comfy?” Rainbow Dash said with a slight smirk.

I puffed one of them suckers up and chuckled. “These babies feel like a cross between a cloud and a steel beam. They could prop up your neck in one moment, and then break it the next!”

Rainbow Dash nearly keeled over at that one, flopping on her back with a belly laugh. “S-Shut up!”

I laughed with her. Looks like she’s going to be okay, and if she isn’t, I’ll have Starlight and Twilight take her out some place. A place with food and karaoke. A place that a turbo virgin like me with qualifications that are out of this world would not even take a picture of.

After our laughing fits subsided, Rainbow Dash and I talked a bit more. We actually had our chat that we were supposed to have when she visited me in my room. Felt like I actually was talking to her like she wasn’t hyped on drugs. She talked about how her friends were way better than her (which I told her it wasn’t a contest as to who was better, and she was just saying it in jest), and how she was part of the Wonderbolts. Her training seemed to me like she was part of a football or basketball team, always practicing to get ahead of the next game, and the next game, and the next game. She had a good head on her shoulders and she really cared about being that Element of Loyalty that she was to be. It really was a great conversation and—

“Hey, Rick?”

“Yeah?” I said, with a raised brow.

“I’ve been talking about myself a lot here,” she said plainly, albeit not without playing with her forehooves. “Feel like I haven’t gotten to know you at all.”

I waved a hand at her. “To be honest, I’m not sure where we would start. And it was great listening to you talk, I felt like I was not stressed and totally capable of sitting here without fidgeting.”

“Fidgeting?”

“Was probably the magic at the time. Legs were shaking through half of those sessions, I swear.”

“Well, hopefully they have you all patched up so we don’t go through this again. The ponies here know what they’re doing.”

“Is this coming from experience?”

“Well I told you all the times I broke my wings… and I ended up at the clinic to get them fixed up, right?”

I nodded and scootchied myself over a bit. “Yep, so it sounds like—”

“—they’re the exact same ponies.”

I scratched my chin with my hand. “Then I should be out of here in… twenty-four hours.”

Suddenly, the door creaked open and out of the corner of my eye raced in Nurse Redheart with the purple menace in tow. “Actually, it’s going to be forty-eight hours.”

Nurse Redheart looked… different. Her cap on her head was still there, but just like Spike, a ring around her neck was placed.

She noticed that I was staring at her newfound jewelry. “Magic nullifier. Your new medical report mandates it.”

Rainbow Dash tilted her head. “So, that means?”

Princess Twilight nodded. “Everypony that will be seeing him in the future will have to have something like this on. He’s basically conducting our magic right now and with nowhere for it to go, it just…”

“Combusts?” I say with a hint of confidence.

“Not quite, but partially. It first absorbs into your body, and then, instead of helping you use it for something. It just… sits there. Building. Until it dissolves whatever it touches. It could even burst into flames, but that would depend on how much magic you would absorb, and to be honest with you, I don’t want to think about that.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened, and so did mine. “Well, that’s one way of being unalived,” I said, before clearing my throat. “So, what’s next?”

“Well, for one, Rainbow, I’ll get you and Fluttershy retrofitted with something that Starlight has been working on since last night.”

“So no more rope?”

“In theory, yes,” she said, bobbing her head. “But don’t celebrate yet. You’ll be able to unfurl them, but you can’t fly still. Residue from flying even a bit could actually leave behind traces of magic on your wings that you’re unaware of. Much like why I can’t speak with him without wiping off my horn with Awesome! The Magic Residue Eraser! For four down payments of a measly $24.99, you can use this product to remove any stain imaginable! All it takes is one full swipe of this product and you will never think twice of leaving any stain behind, guaranteed! And if you call in the next twenty seconds, you will receive—”

I coughed. “I didn’t know you were working on your Billy Mays impression, Twilight.”

Her eyes widened. “What did I say just now?”

“Something about using Awesome on your horn and how it will make any stain disappear—”

She gasped and looked down at her wings. They had unfurled—meaning that they weren’t bound like Dash’s and—

“I’ll be right back!” Twilight shouted, before she raced out of the room at a breakneck pace.

“Twilight, wait!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, bringing out a forehoof. She groaned and whispered something under her breath, before she bolted right after her.

I blinked rather fast and leaned forward. “Looks like someone forgot protocol.”

“You could say that,” Nurse Redheart said. She sucked in some of that delicious O2 before she continued, “She’s been on edge about this and I’m surprised she’s even gotten any sleep.”

‘It’s understandable. It’s been a long few days for everyone,” I said, scratching the back of my neck.

“You could also say that,” she said with a small smile on her face. “I will most likely have to check on her here too. Although, before I go, do you mind if I go through your pain assessment this morning?”

I leaned forward even more. “Pain assessment?”

“Just have to ask some questions and you’ll be set to stare at the ceiling for a few hours.”

“Well, I was just feeling great until you said that,” I replied, throwing my hands up. I settled back into my bed, leaning on the pillow. While I sat there, my eyes gravitated over to that ring of hers. It was gold in color, and bulky, just like Spike’s. How does this thing even nullify magic?

Nurse Redheart’s giggle-snorts brought me back to reality. “Well, let’s get started then, shall we?”

I rolled my eyes before saluting her as best as I could. “Aye, aye, captain,” I said while I rolled
my eyes. I gave her the best mock salute that I could give her.

She chuckled. “So, do you have any pain at all?”

I pursed my lips. “Hmm, not exactly. Just a needle pricking my skin type feeling in my hands.”

Nurse Redheart pulled my chart at the end of my bed (wait when was that there?) and jotted down some notes on the page with her maw. After she was done, she set it down and asked another question.

“When did it start?”

“After the surgery, but it wasn’t even really there until this morning.”

“And when did you feel it?”

I cleared my throat. “While eating breakfast. You know, holding your guys’ utensils is a bit mind numbing. How do you hold a fork while you eat?”

She smirked. “Lots of practice. Although that’s interesting you received some pain then. And on a scale of zero being no pain, and ten being the worst pain you have ever experienced, where would this pain fall?”

I hummed to myself before saying what I thought. “Probably a two.”

“And does it occur for long periods of time?”

“Maybe a minute max?” I said, shrugging. “I don’t stare at the clock for hours on end to calculate pain.”

Nurse Redheart wrote all that down and then sighed. “Looks like you’re set for now. Although I’ll see what the doctor thinks about this. He’ll probably just say, ‘He’s probably just dealing with leftover stress or something?’ and will ask you to come back in a couple weeks to see how you’re doing.”

I smiled. “And that would be it?”

She paused to set the clipboard back at the end of the bed and gave me what looked like a cross between a smile and a snaggletooth. “Knowing what I know, and now knowing you, I would definitely have Twilight keep us in touch for any checkups.”

I hung my head, giving up on my escape plan to leave the infirmary. “Well, at least I don’t have to ask Rainbow Dash for a shovel.”

“What?”

“Nothing! Nothing. So I guess with that assessment being done, I’m free to go?”

“No. Not at all. Doctor Stables will be with you shortly just to see you off for the day, and then you’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming of watching paint dry.”

“Thhhaaaannnnkkkssss, nurse!”

“You’re welcome! Anything else you need?”

I shook my head. “Nada.”

With this being said, she came to my bedside and stole the plate away. She then smiled and gave me a soft dismissal, her hooves click-clacking away in the distance. The door also clicked to a close.

Another few hours with my thoughts. Another forty-eight hours in the brig.

You aren’t like us. Yet, you’re here and you… matter.

It may be a bit more comforting this time around.

Did You Know That Forty-Eight Hours Was All I Needed?

Author's Note

Wow man you updated the fic again, congratulations! Remember, self love is important. Just like sleep!

I did not get sleep when I updated this chapter.

TRANSLATIONS:

T︎h︎e︎ A︎d︎v︎e︎n︎t︎u︎r︎e︎s︎ o︎f︎ G︎a︎'︎h︎o︎o︎l︎e︎,︎ V︎o︎l︎ 1︎:︎ O︎w︎l︎'︎s︎ P︎e︎a︎k

T︎h︎e︎ H︎u︎t︎ o︎f︎ t︎h︎e︎ E︎v︎e︎r︎f︎r︎e︎e︎

T︎h︎e︎ e︎x︎c︎l︎u︎s︎i︎v︎e︎ i︎n︎t︎e︎r︎v︎i︎e︎w︎ o︎f︎ t︎h︎e︎ Z︎e︎b︎r︎a︎ i︎n︎ t︎h︎e︎ f︎o︎r︎e︎s︎t︎,︎ p︎a︎g︎e︎ t︎w︎e︎l︎v︎e︎

Did You Know That Forty-Eight Hours Was All I Needed?

It was two licks and a dollop short of a white drop of paint when Doctor Stables walked into my room. He had on his old doctor garb with the stereotypical white gown like you’d see in those hospital dramas. He even had that black stethoscope that draped around his neck. However, what separated him from those dramas was the ring on his horn. It had the same gold hue, which shined brighter due to the light that was fixated above us. He had the same precaution that everyone else had when they’re within a block radius of me. It was glaring at me as the doctor stood at the end of my bed.

“Looks like you’re almost ready to bust out of this infirmary, Rick.”

He had said this while laughing, which made me groan. “Like you wouldn’t believe, doc. Unfortunately, I know you have to give me a look over and lecture me about this forty-eight hour plan you and Nurse Redheart made.”

“Yes… and no.”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “No to the look over or no to the lecture?”

He snorted before adjusting his glasses on his head. Then he grabbed the clipboard and read off something that I don’t recall Nurse Redheart even mentioning to me:

“Patient experienced a magic microburst. Not sizable, but due to his breakfast provided by a third party, we will need to verify if the magic has worn off before release.”

“Magic… microburst?”

Doctor Stables nodded. “You had enough energy from the magic in your fingertips that, if you had a way to channel that energy, you probably could have sparked a lightning bolt from your fingers and possibly electrocuted somepony to death.”

I closed my eyes, and then slowly opened them. “W-What?”

“Exactly. You still have some magic in you. Probably from when Princess Twilight had her wings left unbound. Mix that in with the possibility of some leftover residue we missed when sewing you up, and you got yourself a mighty cocktail of magical hoopla,” Doctor Stables said, eying me up. He went to my right side, asked me to lift my arm up, and then repeated for the left. Once he did this, he nodded, then grumbled to himself. Doctor Stables scribbled some stuff into the chart and spit out the lead splinters into the garbage can nearby.

I was spellbound the entire time, just letting him have his space. He was probably confused by that, mostly because I did want to interrogate him about everything, but I felt like I didn’t want to bombard him with questions.

There was no time like the present though, so I sighed. “So even though I had that magic microburst… Does this mean that I’m stuck here?”

“Not exactly. You’re still able to be released back into the castle, but you will be only allowed on the castle grounds. Nowhere else. Not until they figure out how to fix you and with direct permission from us before they proceed.”

I tilted my head. “I’m surprised you can say that so nonchalantly.”

“It’s how I get the bits, Rick,” he said with a shit-eating grin on his face. He then wiped it clean with his forehoof and continued. “You’re probably also wondering why we are not able to assist Princess Twilight in her investigation.”

“How did you know?”

Doctor Stables rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t born yesterday. Nor the day before that… and the day before that—” He stopped and facehooved, almost nearly punching himself in the eye. The stallion yelped and then continued, “Point being is that it’s the most logical way of thinking here. Everypony—erm, everyone wants to know the six w’s to every problem imaginable. And sometimes, those six w’s don’t get all the answers from me alone.”

“So you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.”

“That would be correct. This all lands solely on Princess Twilight and her friends. Ponyville Medical staff can only assist her momentarily, as her research on the subject is outside of our purview.”

I leaned forward and pointed at Doc’s get-up. “But don’t you guys use magic in the medical field?”

A soft smile wormed onto Doctor Stables’ face. “Yes… and no. Yes, I would need it to conduct surgery, but no we do not use spells to directly correct injuries. It’s… dangerous actually. A last resort for any doctor. One wrong spell and the next, you could have ruptured the patient’s spleen or made irreversible damage that could cause a leg to become another, albeit deformed, head.”

I gasped. “Well, that would definitely leave a mark or provide a new fetish to someone.”

Doctor Stables nodded. “Indeed. And sometimes, when magic is used, we have to diversify how we manipulate the spell due to the composition of the patient. There’s way too many variables to even account for, so that’s why it’s primarily used as a last ditch effort.” He paused to lick his lips. He took a deep breath before he continued, “So, with this being said, I would suggest staying here for a couple more days to recover. Nurse Redheart will assist you in starting your physical therapy. She’s going to make sure you’re able to walk around and feel your hands.”

“Well that’s a relief,” I interrupted. “For a second there, I thought I was going to need to be wheeled around for the rest of my life.”

“Not out of the realm of possibility if this happens again,” Doctor Stables replied lamely. He leaned over and held my hands with his forehooves. “No sign of bruising from your magic outburst, and you just used your hands to move yourself around, so the magic must have subsided or taken residence elsewhere in your body.”

“Is that a problem?”

He sighed. “Can be if you are in contact with somepony who is not wearing a magic nullifier. In the current state you are in, the magic could only move places with the same measure of effect and nothing more. However, we won’t take too many risks here, especially with this type of condition. We will need to have a check-up—”

“Every couple weeks just to be sure, yeah. That’s what Nurse Redheart said.”

This time it was Doc's turn to tilt his head. “She told you?”

“Yeah,” I said through a slight yawn. I took a deep breath and continued. “She said that and bet like twenty bits or something on you saying it.”

Doctor Stables rolled his eyes. “That mare… unbelievable. Guess she has read me like a book all these years—” The stallion shook his head. “Well, other than what we have seen, the rest of your chart is clear. So, with this in mind, I’ll leave you to stare at that wall you were so intensely looking at before I walked in.”

I groaned. “Do you guys have anything I can read or something?”

“Well…” He paused, and scratched his chin with his forehoof. “I could ask Nurse Redheart to deliver that outdated magazine about music/vacation destinations that we had out in the waiting room.”

“Anything is better than nothing, even if I can’t read it.”

Doctor Stables laughed. “You are right about that one. I’ll make sure it has loads of pictures so you don’t keel over from getting a headache staring at all the Equestrian on it.”

I facepalmed. “Dude, I don’t know how you guys even draw your symbols yet. Twilight and Starlight haven’t taught me any of it!”

“Well, there’s never been a better time, Rick,” Doctor Stables said matter-of-factly, cracking a cheeky grin. “I hope that when we meet again, it is not because you need another surgery.”

“I hope for the same, doc,” I said, offering my hand.

He got the message loud and clear, and we shook hand in hoof.

“Thanks for the help.”

“It’s my pleasure, Rick.”

And with that, Doctor Stables click-clopped his way out the door and into the hall. The door sullenly clicked to a close.

I sighed. Hopefully the magazine is good. I’m tired of this slow race I’m watching.

Nurse Redheart returned to my room with a bag on her back.

“Wow, just a sling. Where’s the cart that you usually bring?”

Nurse Redheart giggled. “A cart is not required for what I’m about to give you!” She smiled and began unpacking. In front of me was a stack of magazines, piled just enough to make sure I wasn’t bored.

The white drop on the wall slithered another .000000000000005 centimeters in response.

“Got all of the magazines that we had sitting up at the desk. Forgot that we had some of them stored there just in case if anypony else needed one to read.”

“That long of a waiting time?”

Nurse Redheart nodded. “It can be. Depends on if Doctor Stables’ is stuck in a surgery and ponies are not keen on rescheduling.”

Understandable, unlike the magazines that were spread out in front of me. Equestrian, the language of a drunk game of pictionary gone wrong, gone grammatically hectic, was beaming at me with its brights on. Thankfully the vibrant pictures on the magazines gave the needed contrast to the paint drying next to me.

Nurse Redheart put her hoof on top of the stack, which emitted a rather loud tap that reverberated quietly in the room. I looked up at her, seeing her cheeky grin. “This is your reward for later. Right now, I need to talk to you about how we’re going to get you off this table and on your feet again.”

I tilted my head. “That bad?”

She nodded, much to my surprise. “Very. You might not be able to walk today.”

I looked down at my legs. I wiggled my toes and moved my legs as much as I could. “Well I can move them just fine—”

“That’s completely different then putting your full weight on them,” Nurse Redheart said, leaning next to my bedrail.

“Are you calling me fat?”

“Can’t say for sure. I don’t have any reference material on a ‘skinny human’.”

“Thanks…”

“No problem!” She gave me a light smile. “If you got what it takes, try and get off the bed on the side I’m on.”

I attempted to move my legs over to the side. As I moved, my knee stopped and then didn’t want to move any more. It was like it was out for lunch and I was left to fend for myself. In this compromised position, I looked over at Nurse Redheart like I was in dire need of help, but I probably looked like a doofus with my eyes open wider than the sun outside. “Uh… little help here?”

Nurse Redheart giggle-snorted. “I apologize, that shouldn’t have been a time for me to laugh.” She cleared her throat before moving my legs back to where they were, which were lying flat on the table again. “Looks like they have a mind of their own.”

“You could say that again,” I said, frowning.

“Hey there,” Nurse Redheart cooed, patting my head gently with her forehoof. You are going to be just fine. Thankfully, the magic didn’t harm you mentally.”

I threw my arms in the air. “Great, so I’m still a disappointment to my parents and I can’t do anything about it now.”

“If that’s how you want to interpret this, by all means,” Nurse Redheart said this with a slight bow. She rolled her eyes. “Stallions and their dramatic conclusions. The magic changed your muscular density primarily. As I said, it looks like the magic targeted your legs and your hands. We will need to get you back in shape, and not by using drugs.”

“Really? No lethal amounts of the crystal powder in my veins?”

Nurse Redheart shook her head. “Just a lot of sitting, walking, standing and… you will most likely be using a wheelchair for the first few days.”

I tilted my head. “Great… And how does that equate to being out of here in two days? Sounds like a longer process.”

A smile wormed onto her face. “The two days are for us to work through how your therapy works and do all the exercises that we can do during that time. Then, you’ll have somepony with you who knows your exercises.”

“And… let me guess. This is going to be Starlight?”

“Close. But it’s Princess Twilight—”

“Why didn’t I guess her?” I said, facepalming. I heard the nurse stifling a laugh, but I chose to ignore her. “Well, if that’s the case, I might as well get started—”

“Actually, you can’t yet. Not for another hour or two.”

“Why’s that?”

“Princess Twilight will need to be debriefed on all exercises before we start, per her request.”

I groaned. “She’s really leading the charge here, huh?”

“Yep!” Nurse Redheart exclaimed, before getting onto all fours. “To be honest, we probably should keep you longer, but Princess Twilight has other plans.”

“I probably should talk to her about it. Did she tell you what her plans were for me?”

To my surprise, Nurse Redheart shook her head. “She’s set in her ways, Rick. Not much use of getting her to change her mind, but you could try.”

I rolled my eyes and scratched my chin. A pricking sensation danced on my fingertips. I sighed. “Well, it would be worth a shot.” I cricked my neck again and continued, “So, I’m destined to read all these magazines in the meantime?”

“Not without company of course.”

“Company?”

Suddenly, bursting through the room and nearly busting the door down, there was the purple and green scaled dragon himself: Spike. In his claws were a bag full of what I could assume was more magazines. He hobbled on over, an uncontrolled grin plastered on his face. His white teeth matched the walls around us.

The walls dried in response.

“Good to see you, Spike.”

Spike threw his bag to the side and pulled up a chair. He then offered his fist, which I tried to match his energy, but felt my fist barely graze his. “Good to see you too, Rick. I’m so happy that Twilight wanted me to visit you today.”

“She put you up to this?”

“Not forcibly!” Spike exclaimed. “She has been really digging her hooves into the grindstone. She’s got a lot of books and charts and… way too many pieces of paper. I swear, she bought out all the writing supplies they had at Quills and Sofas! Do you know how much paper they have there?”

“I could only imagine.”

“Let’s just say too much and call it a measurement. Luckily, she had enough bits laying around, otherwise we’d be getting an earful from the treasury.”

I laughed and gave him a smile. “So, she’s been digging herself in trying to figure out what to do, and she thought, ‘Better send my assistant over to see how Rick is doing’, right?”

“Not exactly,” Spike replied with a shake of his head. He looked down at his bag and scooped out a book that he brought. “I actually said I wanted to visit you so I could share with you one of my favorite comics. Not sure if you’re a fan of them but—”

“I don’t read comic books all that often, so this is definitely something new for me,” I said, staring at the blue and red cover that he brought. The symbols on it looked so odd, but recognizable. However, the picture was of an owl with a helmet on. It was staring intensely out into the vast expanse in front of it. I wonder what ❄︎♒︎♏︎ ✌︎♎︎❖︎♏︎■︎⧫︎◆︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎ □︎♐︎ ☝︎♋︎🕯︎♒︎□︎□︎●︎♏︎📪︎ ✞︎□︎●︎ 📂︎🖳︎ ⚐︎⬥︎●︎🕯︎⬧︎ 🏱︎♏︎♋︎🙵 meant?

“Then allow me to get you into this one at least. It’s about this owl named Soren who travels across a place called Ga’hoole to help every owl he comes across! He’s really awesome and his friends are too. Although, I’ve been too deep into my Superpony comics to finish off the fifth volume.”

I chuckled. I was expecting the second one—but the one Spike brought did sound interesting to say the least. I smiled. “Then we can read those for a bit, although, I think we should still dig into what Nurse Redheart brought us. Might help me figure out more about Equestria, y’know?”

I looked over at where Nurse Redheart was and found that she had already left, her bag no longer on top of my feet. She must have left us to our own devices or something and slipped out without letting us know.

Surprised, I thought I would’ve felt that bag move—must be those nerves of mine being shot by the magic I had in them. Who would’ve thought that I would be like this right now?

I sighed, and looked over at Spike. The dragon had snagged one of the magazines Redheart brought, his claws flipping through the pages like he was being pointed about the details. His eyes bore intent as he looked through each page, read an article and then went “Nah, that sounds boring” and continued. He flipped through like three magazines before he stumbled upon one he liked with a gasp.

“Look at this one, Rick!”

He tossed it over at me and inside was a picture of a waterfall, surrounded by a tall green canopy of trees. There was no other change in sight, other than the dense forest being the backdrop of a small hut, a bit of smoke billowing out of the chimney, which looked to be like the hollowed out trunk of a once giant skyscraper of pine. The windows, small and oval-like, showed the yellow glow of a candlelight inside. The text on top read ❄︎♒︎♏︎ ☟︎◆︎⧫︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ☜︎❖︎♏︎❒︎♐︎❒︎♏︎♏︎

❄︎♒︎♏︎ ♏︎⌧︎♍︎●︎◆︎⬧︎♓︎❖︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎❖︎♓︎♏︎⬥︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ☪︎♏︎♌︎❒︎♋︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎📪︎ ◻︎♋︎♑︎♏︎ ⧫︎⬥︎♏︎●︎❖︎♏︎.

“What’s this about?”

My question made Spike smirk. “This is the Everfree Forest. It’s got this haunting history behind it, but to put it short, basically it operates on its own. It has magic, but the magic can be all over the place! It’s like it’s outside the realm of Harmony.”

“Realm of Harmony?”

“Yeah, Twilight could explain that to you better than I can,” Spike said, before pointing a finger at the gray-ish hut. “And I know the pony who lives there in that hut. Her name is Zecora. She’s a zebra that lived in a place called Zebrica. She makes potions, studies plants, and sometimes scares the locals.”

“Why do I get a feeling that the ‘scares the locals’ bit is not actually what she likes doing?”

Spike chuckled. “That one was a joke, but in all honesty, that’s what many ponies thought of her before she decided to not look so shady. Now she just helps ponies out whenever they stop by her home, which, honestly isn’t too much.”

“And why’s that?”

“Probably because of timberwolves… and manticores…. And—oh, and Hydras. Don’t mess with Hydras.”

“Guess those are apex predators in this place?”

“Well that’s definitely one way of putting it.” Spike paused to scratch his chin with a claw, letting out an awkward ‘hehe’ to go alongside his scratching. “It’s… not as safe as being in Ponyville.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, that’s cool. Hopefully when the magic doesn’t eat me alive, I could visit her too.”

“Mm-hmm,” Spike hummed, before he picked up another magazine. He flipped through it with malicious intent, while I kept my eyes glued on the one that he pointed out to me. That was how it went for the most part: he’d show me a new magazine, let me look at it and answer any questions I had, and then we’d move through them… until we had no more to go through.

And then the door opened up.

“It’s time for your exercises, Rick,” Nurse Redheart chirped happily, before she saw what was going on in our room. “I see… you guys made a reasonable dent in the magazines.”

“That we did,” I said, stretching my arms and legs. “Never thought I’d learn so much about Equestria through reading travel magazines.”

“Not to mention he picked up on some of the letters,” Spike added.

Nurse Redheart smirked. “Well, hopefully we will see you fluent in Equestrian soon.”

I shook my head. “I’ll pass on that. Don’t want to sound like a tire skidding forever on pavement.”

“Your loss,” Nurse Redheart said with a shrug. “Spike, I’m not sure if you want to sit around for this.”

“You’re right,” Spike said with a sigh. “I probably should go check in on Twilight to make sure she didn’t dig a trench in her study. Last time that happened, we had to get the Royal Guard to help clean up the mess, while teaching them how to dig one like hers.” The dragon got up out of his chair. He put his comic books back in his sling and waved at me. “Cya around, Rick!”

I gave him a weak smile as he left. It was now just me, Nurse Redheart, and the disarray of magazines.

“Let’s clean this mess up before we start, shall we?”

I nodded, before realizing how much I could really do. I looked around and grabbed at what I could that was on my legs, being able to scoop up a few in my hands. I stacked them, and then waited for Nurse Redheart to get the rest. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long for her to get them all as she added her haul to the pile, before setting them in the chair behind her.

“Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time for us to exercise. It’s going to be quite simple, but I’ll make sure to be around you at all times. Okay?”

“Loud and clear,” I said with a weak mock salute.

Nurse Redheart giggled. “Well, before we actually get you off your perch here, I’m going to have you do some bending of what we think are your knees.”

I reached up and touched those rascals. “You mean these?”

“Yes, those,” Nurse Redheart said with another chuckle. “We will need you to practice bending them first, and then after a few repetitions, we can have you attempt to put pressure on your legs. Does that sound okay?”

I stretched my arms as much as I could, before giving her a nod. “I’ll see if I can move them now.”

“Careful,” Nurse Redheart advised, propping his leg as he moved with her forehooves. She hopped up to get a better position. “You couldn’t move them that well before. Let’s see if you can do one whole repetition first. Try bringing your knee towards you.”

I attempted to do this.

My knee cracked in response almost immediately.

“Uhh… is that supposed to do that?”

“I mean, does it hurt?”

I blinked. “No.”

“Then maybe it’s normal?” Nurse Redheart said with a head tilt. “Try again.”

Once again, another pop. I gasped.

“Did that one hurt?”

“No,” I muttered. I kept moving my leg, doing the motion that Redheart suggested. I pulled my thigh toward myself and bent my knee so that my lower leg folded into it. It felt… odd, but it didn’t hurt at all. I wonder why it was locking up earlier? Maybe my leg muscles went out for lunch or something.

Once I folded it in, I reversed the process, and repeated. It felt smooth after a few reps, so I switched legs, and the same result happened.

Nurse Redheart hummed an affirmative. Sounds like that was to her liking. “Now try and move your right leg off the side of the bed. Let me know if you experience any changes in your pain.”

I took a deep breath and took one great big gulp. My saliva painfully moved down my throat.

I moved my leg, angling myself so that way I didn’t tip over the edge. It slowly bent just like I had done before, except… it went limp. Wet noodle syndrome. They dangled endlessly.

“Can you move it at all?”

I grunted and grit my teeth. Fishing my leg from the ramen bowl they had called My Life was extremely annoying, but it worked with a bit of shimmying of my upper body, and a little bending of my leg. Not sure why I suddenly lost all of this feeling that I had. “Yes, I can—agh—not sure why when I let it hang that it just loses all feeling. Am I cutting off circulation or something when I’m sitting like this?

“Not sure, it doesn’t look like you are,” Nurse Redheart replied, craning her neck lower to see where your leg was situated. “Hmm… so it feels like you laid on it by accident in that position.”

“Yep, just like that,” I said, snapping my finger. I sucked in a bit of air, the cold feeling brushed past my teeth as blood rushed back into my poor tortured leg. “You think I should hold off on doing that then?”

Nurse Redheart sighed. “Maybe what we should do is reposition you so that way we avoid cutting off blood flow to your legs…”

I sighed. It looked like the rest of my stay was going to be entertaining… to say the least.

Chikin Lickin’ Experimentin’™ / How Not To Introduce Meat Into A Conversation®

Time drifted by as I had watched the pair turn the place upside down. It was different, like they had been playing football for the same team, only in this case they forgot which way they were supposed to go and ran the ball in the opposite direction. The whole experience had made me feel good at first, probably because I was imagining Twilight getting sacked in the end zone, but then it had made me feel like I was the one being sacked as a painful surge coursed through me. This was definitely when the headache started, but now I was back to normal, as close as I could be to it. Was the pain gone because they were gone? Maybe, or maybe it was because they weren’t leaving magical pixie dust all over the carpet floor.

I sighed as the ticking of the clock above the door rang in my ears. All I could do was wait for this first friend of Twilight’s to come in and talk to me about… whatever it is she was going to talk to me about.

Creeeeek.

The sound crawled in my skin.

“Hello? Is Rick in here?”

“Yeah, what’s it to you?”

She let the rickety door swing wide open, revealing her form. She was an orange furred, green-eyed, gold-maned pony with a hat on her head that screamed ‘Absolutely Stuck In Tennessee’.

“So you’re Rick, huh?”

I chuckled and hopped off the bed. “Yep. Apparently more popular than I let on.” The pony giggled at that, so I continued, “Since you know my name, I figure you know what’s going on?”

She nodded. “Yep. Got told that you were a mite bit different. Apparently, Twilight needs to get herself a new dictionary, because you’re waaay different than what I thought.”

“Bad different or a good different?”

“Not sure yet. I’ll have to... reserve my judgment for later. Not my place anyway. Granny would have me wheelin’ hay into the barn for hours on end if I’d go down that route.” She smirked. “Glad you’re different though. Would be weird doin’ this if you were just a pony like me.”

“I guess so. I’m shocked that you’re not afraid of me. Is everyone like you?”

Much to my unamused face, she shook her head. “No, most ponies are nice, if they can warm up to you. Others like to judge without giving ‘em a chance.”

“Guess I’m lucky you’re not like the others, Miss…?”

The mare took her hat off her head, letting that mane of hers blossomforth. “Name’s Applejack. Pleasure of meeting ya, Rick.”

“Same to you, Applejack. First of the group I get to meet. Interesting that you have a southern accent.”

Applejack let out a breathy laugh. “Southern accent?”

I shrugged. “Well, yeah. Didn’t think accents would just translate super well into a world like this, but you have the exact twang of one of them. Didn’t expect to meet someone who was the epitome of southern drawl, y’know?”

She rolled her eyes and sat on her flanks. “Well, you’re about as right as a drunk princess who buries her head in books on social etiquette.”

“Huh?” I said with a slight head tilt.

The mare shook her head rather quickly. “Sorry, my countryisms broke again. Meant to say you’re as right as a hog drilling for mud gold.”

That sounded better. “Phew, thought I had to clean my ears out. So you basically would fit right in with my other family.”

“Other family?” Applejack said with a raised brow.

“They lived down South and spoke just like you… well, minus the breaking of country-twang.”

“Wow, didn’t know the Apple family had this much of an outreach!”

Did she just…?

I blinked hard. “Applejack, you don’t think…”

The pony paused and tilted her head. “What? That was a joke.”

“Oh,” I muttered, much to her chagrin. She was howling like a wolf in the night.

I plopped down unceremoniously on the ground. “Anyway, what are we supposed to be talking about?”

Applejack smiled. “Nothin’ in particular. Probably just to get ourselves acquainted so we don’t run into any issues outside this room of yours.”

“Like what?” I leaned forward. “You’ll think I’ll melt or something?”

“Maybe,” the mare said, letting out a slight cough. “Either that or you’ll mutate into a Hydra and scare everyone off.”

“Mutate? I don’t think I’m radioactive…”

She let out a brief blow and adjusted her hat. “Then you’ll certainly scare them.”

I rolled my eyes. “Who do you think I am? The Boogeyman?”

“The what?”

“Not important. Just kinda curious as to why you would be scared of me? The only thing frightening is my genuine lack of a sex life.”

Her eyes buggered at that one. “That’s something I wish I could unhear. Anyway, I was a tad bit nervous comin’ here because Pinkie Pie said you had a weird aura about you.”

“A weird aura?”

“Yep. She’s definitely right. You are weird.”

“Thanks…” I muttered while she chuckled to herself.

When the mare was done laughing, she set a hoof on his left leg and smiled. “Don’t take that the wrong way, Sugarcube. You’re weird in a good way.” She retracted her hoof and sat it back on the ground. “Pinkie only told me that you were different from us, but were just as nice, so I came in with an open mind. After all, friendship is magic.”

“Ironic,” I replied. Her sudden recoil made me chuckle like a hyperactive jackrabbit. “But yeah, you all talk about that like it’s a high order. Pretty nice, but at the same time, does it get tiring at all?”

“Nope! Not one bit. I think it’s because of what we do to help other ponies out. Make them understand that havin’ a friend or two in this world makes everythin’ all the better.”

“Really? That easy?”

She made this sound that sounded like a cross between a neigh, and a pro-sumo wrestler flopping on the ground. Then, she spoke like she was gurgling mud:

“︎��︎♒︎⧫︎♓︎⬥ ︎●︎♋︎♏︎♎ ︎□︎⧫ ︎❒︎♏︎♓︎⬧︎♋︎♏ ︎⍓︎●︎■︎□ ︎⬧︎��︎⧫︎♓ ︎��︎⍓︎⬧︎♋︎♏ ︎❒︎♏︎❖︎♏︎■ ︎⬧︎♓ ︎◻︎♓︎♒︎⬧︎♎︎■︎♏︎♓︎❒︎☞”

“Alright there, you don’t need to swallow dirt whole. What did you say?”

Applejack frowned. “Did I say somethin’ wrong?”

“No-no-no, you didn’t do that at all,” I said, waving my hands at her. “I just hear things differently when there’s magic about.”

“Huh, didn’t do anythin’ that would’ve caused that. Rainbow Dash must be messin’ with the air again.” She plopped her hat back on her head like it was magicked into place. “I said that friendship ain’t easy. It’s rough, but if you stick around, you’ll be able to get more than just one of them.”

“Hehe, guess so.”

“Mighty right. Say, you think you’ll get home?”

I felt my lips sag to the ground with that one. “I… don’t know. I really hope I can. If they figure this out, then maybe they can help me get back home.”

“Yeah,” Applejack said, pawing at the ground with her hoof. “Sorry, I had to mention it. Was just curious, that's all.”

“Don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. After all, I am an alien.”

“That you are, Rick. A good one though.”

“Thanks.”

I smiled at her, and she smiled at me. And that was our conversation, as two mares made their entrance known.

“Glad you two got acquainted with each other. I hope Applejack wasn’t too harsh on you.”

“Harsh? Twilight, do I look like Rarity?” said Applejack.

Twilight keeled over, her wings out on full display, twitching as she rolled on the ground with her hooves clutching her stomach. “N-no, but I’m glad you’re back in the saddle again.”

“Glad to be back,” Applejack said with an eye roll. She looked over at me one last time and waved. “Guess our times up, huh? Well, when you find yourself out of the castle, make sure to swing by Sweet Apple Acres, okay? I promise, you’ll love it there.”

“Sounds good, Applejack. Maybe we’ll drink some apple cider or something while we’re there.”

She spoke with a grin on her face. “Of course! Apple cider is our speciality. That and apples that zap you awake!”

I snorted. “Mini edible tasers? Sounds great! Thanks for the chat!”

“You’re welcome. Whelp, time to go check on the stand. Hope Apple Bloom didn’t undersell on the fritters again…”

As her voice grew quiet and the hoofsteps click-clacked into nothingness, I sat there and stared at Twilight, who smiled at me with a smile enlightened by scientology.

“Ready for round two?”

“As I can be,” I muttered, dusting my pants. Jeez, did the floor have to get this dirty, or was that hay stuck on my ass?

I watched as Twilight walked out, leaving the door shut in her wake.

It felt like forever when a knock as gentle as a twig hitting a window stirred me from my worldview.

“Door’s open!”

To my surprise, the door didn’t get left ajar, nor did it get slammed open. In fact, the pony who came in decided to gently open and close it, her back turned to me. I was a bit baffled, as unlike Applejack, there were wings on her sides, which were neatly folded away.

Then, the pony turned around, looked up at me, and gasped.

“Wow… are you, him?”

I sighed, assuming the worst. “Yes, I’m him.”

Suddenly, her wings stood at attention, as she slowly walked up to me in awe. “Nice to meet you finally, Rick!”

My head felt like it was the leaning tower of Piza. “It’s… nice to meet you too, miss?”

“Fluttershy,” she murmured softly. She moved part of her pink mane away from her face, getting me a better view of her. “Applejack told me you were a ‘nice feller’, s-so… I am glad that you aren’t a giant inflatable tube man.”

“An inflatable what?”

“An inflatable tube man. Rumored to live in the mountains up north, however, it mostly lives rent free in the animal sanctuary inside my head. They’re number one million, two hundred and sixty-seven thousand, five hundred and twenty one on my list of ‘things that scare the ever-living hibby-jibbies’ out of me.”

I was just about to reply when I stopped myself. Applejack thought I was a ‘nice feller’? Better than the epitome of a forty year old virgin, I suppose. And should I be worried that she has some car dealership monster living in her head?

As I scanned my eyes over her more, it looked like she was timid enough that she wouldn’t turn into a serial killer. Maybe.

I sighed. “Okay… were you joking there or?”

“Joking?” She said as she tilted her head.

“Is there really an inflatable man living inside your head?”

She blinked at me like she was seeing me as a mirage. Her wings unfurled a bit as well, fluttering—ironic—as she spoke, “No, I didn’t say that. Applejack told me that you were nice to talk to, that’s all. I’m glad she spoke with you first because… because if I did, I would’ve run out of the room.”

“Really? You don’t seem like the type to just get up and leave without saying goodbye first.”

She nearly flatlined me with a smile. “We got off the wrong hoof and you already know what I’m like?”

“Just an assumption. Guess I assumed correctly.”

Fluttershy gave me a slight nod with an accompanied twitch of the ear. She, then, flapped her wings before folding them to her sides. “Yes, you did. I’m glad Applejack drew the shortest straw when we did a recount…”

I saw how she twiddled with her forehooves. This must be taking a great toll on her just to talk to me. It’s… both endearing and a bit worrisome. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Been a while since anyone came in.”

She giggled behind her hoof. “What do you mean? It’s only been a few minutes!”

I snorted. “On Earth, that would’ve been several hours. Trust me.”

That giggle soon turned into a gigglesnort as the mare gasped for fresh air. “F-Fair point. Anyway, I’m glad to be here too. Hopefully we can figure out why you’re taking in ponies magic so you can talk with all of us in the same room.”

I smiled. “Yeah, that would be great. I would like to talk to all of you without having to be separated.”

As those words fell out of my mouth, I wondered what it would’ve been like if I wasn’t in this situation. Y’know, without the magic siphoning bit. Would I have already been home by now watching the next pro-bowl game? Or would I be caught watching some cheesy film from the 70’s? Either way, in this world, I’m devoid of that type of entertainment. Instead, I’m just sitting here, talking to a horse-thing.

A horse-thing.

“So, sorry if this comes across as blunt, but what are you, Fluttershy?”

“What am I?” She asked with a head tilt, which received her a curt nod from me. At first, she stood there, frozen, but as she sat herself down comfily, Fluttershy realized what I was getting at and gasped. “Oh, you’re asking that because…” She paused to flex her wings a bit, which ultimately sagged back to her sides. “I’m a pegasus, Rick.”

“Pegasus?”

She scooted a little closer to give me a better look, her muzzle forming into a wicked grin. “We’re wing ponies. Like birds but better. 🕈︎♏︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ⬧︎◆︎◻︎♏︎❒︎♓︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎. ❄︎❒︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ❍︎♏︎.”

I shook my head to get rid of whatever that squawking nonsense was. “Uhh, you just went all—”

“Rick, ♓︎⧫︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♓︎■︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎♎︎📬︎ ✡︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♍︎♋︎◻︎♋︎♌︎●︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ understanding, and—”

Rick’s eyes shot open and he spoke in a whispered tone. “I hear dead people.”

“You do?!”

“No. You were just speaking in horse, Fluttershy.”

“Horse?” She said with a head tilt. “Is there something wrong?”

My eyes widened. Behind her, the clock click-clacked against the wall. Was the room shaking?

“Do you feel that, Fluttershy?”

“No, what’s wrong?”

As I was about to point out that the room was shaking, it was like the universe just crop dusted me in front of the whole class and was laughing as it walked away. The clock stopped moving, and Fluttershy was no longer speaking in horse-bird.

“Uh… did you feel the room shake a bit?”

She quietly shook her head. “No, I didn’t feel the room shake. Are you okay?”

“Huh,” I said bluntly, tapping my chin with a finger. “Must’ve been my imagination or something.”

“Maybe you absorbed some of my magic when I opened my wings?”

“I don’t know. Like I said, not only were you speaking in tongues, but also you were saying you were imagining me as an inflatable tube man. And what’s this about magic wings? If we’re speaking the same language, then that’s my favorite chicken place back home!”

“C-Chicken place?”

I internally slapped myself silly. “Yeah. You know. A place of semi-ill repute where once lively chickens are turned into delicious, deep-fried health hazards for consumption. Just another day living in axle grease.”

The mare stood frozen, her eyes wider than the six-piece dinner baskets at Magic Wings that come with a roll on the side. Number seven on the menu, to be exact.

God I’m hungry now. I eyeballed Fluttershy’s wings for a brief moment. I wonder if pony wings were any good with— No! Keep it together man! You don’t want to freak her out!

Unfortunately for me, the horse-bird hybrid that was known as a pegasus stood there, staring at me like I was the new serial killer of the week. I know why too, for if she’s like Twilight, then I assume they don’t eat meat. Guess I slipped up again in front of another woman—mare—other. Rick was an equal opportunity idiot. He had to be in this market where Tik Tok makes sense and boy bands play instruments.

She slid back a bit, totally uncomfortable with what I said. “Are you going to eat me?”

“No. Horses are totally against my diet, and I guess they’re cute when they want to be.”

That got her to lean forward, her wings standing at attention. “How could you base your entire view of an animal’s edibility on how ‘cute’ they are? That’s… That’s…!”

I shrugged and hopped off the bed, which shushed her oncoming rant. “That’s a conversation for another time. Besides, it’ll probably scar you for life and I would not want you to deal with the repercussions and intensive therapy costs of this discussion. I heard that Twilight’s medical insurance plan is absolute hogwash.” I snapped my fingers. “Anyway, I’m sorry this got off the wrong foot—er, hoof. I’m just glad I finally got to meet you.”

“S-Same to you,” Fluttershy said as she shook with recoil the remains of the previous conversation off herself. She sighed and tried to smile, unfortunately, it looked like the abridged version, cracking ever-so-slightly with a pinch of angst. “What do you like to do, Rick?”

I tapped my chin. “I love watching sports. Football, to be exact. That and being a connoisseur of food, but you already know what that’s about—” I shook my head. “Football though is fantastic, and I know it exists already somewhere here. It’s called hoofball, right?”

She nodded ever-so-slowly. “Yes… Rainbow Dash talks about it all the time, which drives Applejack in a tizzy like a tornado in a trailer park.”

“A tizzy?”

The mare rolled her eyes, thankfully not like a tornado in a trailer park. “I said it annoys Applejack quite a bit. She’s not the type to take things lightly…”

“Oh,” I replied lamely. “I assume Rainbow Dash is the type that will gush about hoofball, right?”

To my surprise, Fluttershy shook her head and smirked. “No, she’s the type to gush about her flying first, then everything else after.”

I recoiled, like I was the one that was hit with a blast of that burn. Word has it that there are still pockets of acidic air from the nuclear truth bomb that Fluttershy just dropped.

Thankfully, I was able to recover better than anyone else in this position, well, except my stocks. Those plummeted right before the football game that I was watching when I got ejected into this place. “Pfft, she sounds like a riot to talk to.”

“She’s… passionate about what she likes.”

We both chuckled at this. I wonder what Fluttershy likes? Based on her buttmark, she’s got a butterfly on it. Pink too, just like her mane—didn’t she also say something about an animal sanctuary?

“Do you have anything you're passionate about, Fluttershy?”

Suddenly, it’s like a light turned on and she was brighter than anyone else I could have met. She was practically glowing: her wings were at attention, her eyes were an appropriate length to be considered ‘a wide load’ by a semi-truck standard, and her jaw was being accompanied by a hoof that she held shakingly under her chin.

“Well, I really love taking care of animals! I own a sanctuary just outside of Ponyville near the Everfree Forest! My husband likes to help me once in a while with them, but he got mauled by the cat we got recently…”

“Cat? What type of cat?”

“A hellspawn from Tartarus. We’ve named him Fuego Takis, due to him nearly giving Discord chemical burns.”

“Wait, really?” There’s no way she named a cat that, and Tartarus?

To my surprise, she nodded again. “Yes! He’s a joy to be around. If only he didn’t dislike Discord, then we wouldn’t have any issues with him around the house…”

I frowned. I missed my dog back home, and that scheming cat too. Hopefully I’ll be able to return home so I can spoil them rotten. If not, they’ll either hate my guts to the point of no return, or they’ll just be happy I’m there.

Knowing my luck, option one is the only one that exists.

I leaned against the wall and counted my graces, verbally. “I got two pets back home. A dog and a cat. They’re rascals, but the cat is more of one than the dog. The dog only gets into my shoe collection and spreads them semi-evenly out across the lawn. Sometimes he even buries them, which really ticks me off. However… the cat is one that would take me outside and beat me with a baseball bat if it could. Probably would hit a homerun too, the rat.”

Fluttershy laughed. “Sounds like you have pets that love you too. They’re great, aren’t they?”

“Yeah… Rocko and Ed. I miss them…”

I closed my eyes. I’ll get back home soon. There’s no way I’ll be here forever...

Even as I lived free in my head, I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want her to notice anything, as this was supposed to be just a happy, go-lucky conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet, here we were, getting on each other’s nerves and—

The laughter had suddenly fallen short. I opened my eyes to see the mare from before now hugging me, her forehooves wrapped around my shoulders. She had gotten on her hindlegs to reach me, and her wings were surrounding me too. I was now one with the Fluttershy burrito. A special that was not available at Magic Wings—

“It’s okay…” She muttered in my ear. “You’ll see them again soon. For now, if you want, maybe… after this is all over, you could come over to the animal sanctuary to help me with the animals? I wouldn’t mind a helping hoof—er, hand.”

I gave her a toothy grin and let go of her. “It’s a deal!”

My arm shot out like a bazooka, giving the mare my palm for her to shake. Thankfully, this message is cross-species, as she shook my hand with her hoof. We shared that brief smile before the door decided it was time for it to fly.

Fluttershy jolted back first. Followed by Starlight, who was now leaning up against the doorframe like she owned the place.

“Did I interrupt something?”

“N-No no—” Fluttershy and I had said in unison, only for us to stop and look at each other like we'd just committed arson. Thankfully, only one of us is capable of burning down a forest and Smokey Bear had the fire department's number on speed dial. We shared a laugh before I continued, “We were just talking about animals and what not. Is everything good so far?”

Starlight tilted her head. “Good so far? You mean with your magic levels or?”

“Yeah, the thing that you two are supposed to be measuring? What else is there to measure!”

“Well, we could measure the amount of time it would take for you to get laid, but that wouldn’t be a good data point to use as our best technology isn’t able to measure time in millenia yet,” Starlight said as a matter of fact. She chuckled, which was to the chagrin of my virginity’s misery.

I sighed. “I’ll take the roast, pack my bags, and roast myself with the remaining embers of that burn. Thanks.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “You’re welcome. Anyway, to answer your question and not harm you in the process, we’re measuring your magic levels and your overall condition, which is already about fifty different categories in the chart we created…”

“Uh, last time I checked, you and Twilight aren’t doctors.”

She shook her head. “Doctors of Science, not Doctors of Medicine. Thankfully, we were able to get Redheart and Doctor Stables involved with a stipend Twilight had left in the Royal Treasury. Otherwise, we would’ve been ❄︎🕆︎☼︎☠︎☜︎👎︎ ✋︎☠︎❄︎⚐︎ ☼︎⚐︎✌︎💧︎❄︎ 👌︎☜︎☜︎☞︎.”

“Great, now you’re speaking horse version 2.0!”

“What an upgrade,” Starlight said, her voice oozing in layered sarcasm. She turned to Fluttershy and smiled. “I’ll take this guy off your hooves, Fluttershy. I hope you two had a good time for what it was worth.”

Fluttershy mirrored her expression and began to walk towards the door. “I’m glad to have talked to him today. I told him to come visit the animal sanctuary after...” Her voice drifted off as she twiddled with her forehooves again.

“After this is all done?” Starlight asked with a raised brow.

“Yes,” Fluttershy replied. “I hope he’s able to. Wouldn’t want Rick to be stuck in the castle forever.”

Starlight nodded. “I hope so too. We’ll make sure of this, I promise.”

Fluttershy shared one last smile with us and waved goodbye. “See you, Rick!”

I waved and watched her go, her legs carrying her past the door and into the hall.

Once again, I was left alone, well, with Starlight still looking at me. This time, she was wearing a smirk.

“Doing good so far, Rick?”

“Yeah,” I said, falling back in line with the bed. I flopped onto it, scooting up to get comfortable. “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious. Have you run into any abnormalities yet?”

“Several. The room even shook when Fluttershy was in. Not sure what that was about.”

The unicorn hummed to herself, her horn flashing into sparks before petering out. She groaned. “Forgot I had the ring still on my head. Guess I’ll note what you just said in my head for now. So, you have these abnormalities then. Do you have any pain yet?”

“Nope,” I said. “Just give me five so I can rest my eyes a bit. Maybe then I’ll feel some pain.”

“Alright, Rick. I’ll leave you be. Just… be careful. If at any point you’re feeling pain, let us know so we can help you, okay?”

I blinked. Guess they’re preparing for the worst. “Alright, I’ll let you know.”

“Great,” she said softly before turning tail. “When you’re ready, I’ll let the next one in.”

“Gonna give me any hints?”

“Sure. Your hint is ☞︎🕆︎☹︎☹︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ☼︎✌︎✋︎☠︎👌︎⚐︎🕈︎💧︎!”

With that, the snark-ness monster (aka Starlight) walked out of the room, leaving the door to click shut, and the haunting memory of her language drowning out the noise.

I sighed, and closed my eyes, wondering if the next pony to come in will kill me immediately.

Author's Note

Yo.

Here's an update. Got some more words to throw at you over the next couple of weeks.

Catch you later. Thanks for reading!