Rarity is Dead

by Burt

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Dark, Death, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2266

Anon finds the rapidly decaying cadaver of Rarity. His horror quickly shifts from the morbid situation and onto everyone else's attitude towards it instead.

Anon stumbles upon a deceased Rarity. He doesn’t know why she’s dead, so he decides to inquire his friends about it. They don’t know either, they also don’t seem to really care in all honesty.

Who done it? Why did they done it? Will Anon find the reason behind his friends cognitive dissonance? Will Rarity get her funeral?

Who knows, honestly.

I do. The answer is no.

Published 2020-11-16 20:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-16 20:50:00 UTC

Who deaded the pony?

Anon was whistling, on his merry way to harass the local librarian while twirling his stylish cane. He was as happy as could be, a small pep in his step highlighting that fact. He was currently taking in all the sensations, all of the smells—

He stopped in his tracks. A dark alleyway he’d nearly passed without a second glance grabbed his full attention.

‘What is that smell?’

After a brief moment of deciding if he really wanted to know, he walked down the alley, following his rather weak nose to the rather pungent scent.

Anon was no stranger to the smells of an alleyway, nor how awful they could truly be. After living in a city for most of your life, you grow numb to it.

This was different.

Stale iron and rotten hair. It stung his nose.

Is it a good idea to follow strange scents down dark, damp alleyways? Anon wouldn’t know, he believes he never has bad ideas.

He couldn’t make out where it was coming from. He hummed, stopping after the smell dissipated slightly the deeper he went. He retracted a few steps to when the scent peaked.

He looked to his left.

He looked to his right.

“...“

Oh look! Rarity is dead.

Anon’s green skin deepened in its colour.

“...Oh my fucking—“ His voice warbled and he covered his mouth. “—jesus Christ bro. What the fu—“ he gagged.

After a few minutes of trying not to throw up, Anon—covering his mouth and nose with his shirt—poked her head using his cane, which peeked out of a metal trash can with flies circling around it.

“... Oh you’re dead, dead my guy.” He coughed.

And then after one more poke her head titled to the side and a spider crawled out of her open mouth.

Anon’s scream probably alerted everyone in Ponyville.

“Rarity is dead!”

“Uh huh.”

“Like, perished! Never coming back! In the great beyond somewhere up in the sky! Or below in a pit of fire I personally didn’t really know her that well especially when compared to you and the others but still, why aren’t you horrified?“

Twilight rolled her eyes and shrugged.

“Oh no! Wow, what a terrible turn of events. Someone I knew on a deeply intimate level—no homo—has now ceased living!” She entered a a mock swoon, holding that position before one of her eyes cracked open to look at Anon.

She laughed at herself and dropped back to a regular stance. “Anyways, I’ve moved on. You should too Anon.”

“...“

“...“

“...“

“Bitch, what? I haven’t even told you how I found her yet!”

Her ears twitched.

Anon shook his head, his face scrunching up. “Twilight...” He spoke slowly, “Rarity, a close friend you know- er, knew was only now just found dead. And you’ve already moved on? She hasn’t even been tossed into a morgue yet!” His incredulity made Twilight pause in her inspection of her hoof.

Her horn lit up and she shot a bolt of magic towards Rarity’s body, which began to sizzle due to the aftermath of the spell.

“There, now we know she’s dead for sure.”

“Wha- what.” He squeaked, his eyes locked on Rarity, who could now be mistaken for a massive chunk of charcoal.

“Anon. My friend has sadly met their untimely demise and because of that, I have experienced denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance; the five stages of grief. It is me coming to terms with her death. It’s a natural part of the mourning process!” She crossed her hooves, her tone condescending, as if what she just said was common sense and Anon was someone suffering from sever retardation or something.

Which honestly with every moment that passes, seemed to slowly becoming true. Anon felt like a conniption was rapidly approaching.

“... I’m gonna pretend that you didn’t just desecrate your friends corpse. Also like I just said, I told you Rarity died only like five minutes ago!”

“Yeah. And I’m over it.”

Anon stared at her. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Wrong with me? I’m not the one bashing somepony who’s gone through personal tragedy!”

“I’m pretty sure Rarity’s body was still warm before you blasted her, yet you’re acting like you’ve already come to terms with her passing! You’ve showed none of the emotional notes that someone usually goes through when tragedy strikes!”

“You just said you weren’t going to mention what happened, you hypocrite. And just so you know? Her body wasn’t warm, I checked. She was rather decayed already, she must’ve been dead for months.”

“...”

“...And you just... didn’t notice she’d gone missing?”

She shrugged, “it’s not my job to keep track of everyones day to day schedule or what they do with their life. Or in this case, death.” She giggled.

Anon’s eye twitched, he stood there for a few moments opening his and closing his mouth, forming words but not speaking them. He shook his head. “... Twilight did you kill Rarity?”

She smiled which made Anon deeply uncomfortable.

“That’s none of your concern.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I’m just joking, calm down.” Twilight once again giggled as she waved her hooves in a disarming gesture. “No, I didn’t kill her, why would I?”

“... I’m not gonna answer that you bite sized psychopath.”

She harrumphed.

There was silence for a moment, before the human had a realization. He groaned after face palming.

“What is it?”

He sighed, “How are we going to explain this to the others?”

“Probably the same way you explained it to me.”

He clicked his tongue.

“... I really wanna believe the others won’t take this as lightly as you did.”

She shrugged.

“You have to be kidding me. Come on guys, this has to be a joke.“ He ran a hand down his face.

“What do you mean, Sugarcube?” Applejack titled her head.

“How can you be so calm when the literal corpse—“ Anon pointed to Rarity, which was now surrounded by investigators—“of one your closest friends is right there.”

“Ah mean, it happens.”

“It really doesn’t, though.” Anon mumbled.

“Well, personally I never liked her all that much.” Rainbow Dash cut in, hovering besides Anon.

Anon looked to her, his brow raised. “Wait a minute. hold on, Dash didn't you have a crush on Rarity?”

She laughed and shook her head. “I had a crush on those flanks let me tell you. Mfmm”

The human flinched away, his face a perfect picture of disgust.

“Ugh! Stop talking about her like that when her dead body is right there.”

“Don’t remind me. I might act up.” She let out a airy chuckle while rubbing her hooves together.

“... Oh my god. You’re actually a monster.”

“Oh come on dude, you know I’m just joking!”

He didn’t respond, instead turning to face the other remaining elements.

“Fluttershy? Pinkie? Come on, aren’t you guys just a little sad?” He seemed to almost beg.

“That whorse never paid back the five bits she owes me.”

“...” Anon mouth gaped. “Fluttershy?! He squeaked.

The mare shrugged. “She didn’t pay her dues,” she turned to glare at Rarity, “so she got her just deserves.”

Anon swallowed, his brow glistening with sweat.

“Is everybody here fucking insane?”

“Hey,” Fluttershy crossed her hooves, “I think that’s a little rude, mister. Rarity is a business woman, she should’ve known not to mess with another mare’s money.“

“Fluttershy, are you... a loan shark or something?” He leaned back, “Did you kill Rarity?”

“Don’t be ridiculous...”

Anon sighed with relief.

“I’m a money launderer.” She paused.

Anon chuckled nervously.

“You- you didn’t answer the other question.”

Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed slightly.

“You know Anon. Sometimes ponies find themselves slipping on banana peels while going for a stroll in an alleyway. Sometimes these same ponies find themselves with a broken neck and stashed up inside a garbage can. These things happen.”

“Hey. W-wait. I- I never told anyone where I found her... the investigators didn’t even ask.”

She smiled at him.

“These things... happen, Anon. Rather often actually. You should... be carful around those alleyways from now on.

She turned around and walked away.

“...“

“F-Flutters?” He wheezed out softly as she just kept walking.

Anon starting giving his face light smacks, mumbling “This isn’t real, come Anon, now would be a good time to wake up. Wake up, wake up wake up.”

“Oh stop being dramatic.” Twilight called over her shoulder, before her horn flashed and the corpse disappeared. Anon didn’t question it, he felt numb.

“Ok. Pinkie, what do—“

He looked to Pinkie Pie, his question dying on his tongue when he noticed the very disturbing look in her eyes.

Her smile seemed... sharper.

“... All of a sudden I don’t want to know how you feel about Rarity dying.”

Anon flinched when Rainbow Dash nudged his shoulder.

“C’mon dude. Lighten up! At least now she won’t be hassling us for the way we dress and all that!”

Anon paused. “What about her sister, Sweetie Belle?”

Dash shook her head and gave him a smirk. “Don’t worry about that, she’s already liquidized all of Rarity’s assets.”

“...”

“I think I’m just gonna sit down now.”

“Sure buddy. Hey and if you feel better later, me and the others-“

“The others and I, Dash.” Twilight corrected.

“Me and the others are gonna hold a competition. We want to see which on of us can toss Rarity’s body the farthest, if you want to join in later.”

Anon sat down and whimpered into his hands.

Anon sat on the grass for a unknown amount of time before feeling a hoof tap his shoulder. He turned and was faced with one of the nation’s ruler.

Princess Celestia.

He gulped.

“H-hey Miss.”

“Hello, little one. I’ve come to speak with you.”

“... I’m pretty sure I’m as tall as you.”

She giggled and said “Sorry, force of habit.” before sitting down next to him.

“Do you know why I’m here, Anon?”

He gulped. “Because one of the element bearers—and key to your greatest super weapon—just died and now you probably think I have something to do with it?”

She shook her head.

“Oh no, of course not! I know what happened was of no fault of your own. I place no blame on you for what happened to Generosity, what with her sudden... removal from the realm of the living.”

He nodded slowly.

“Alright. So why are you here then? Er, Princess?”

He remembered to add her title, realizing that Celestia could have him un-alived at any moment and that it was best to show some decorum.

“Well, I have come here to thank you. Despite the morbid circumstances, it was good that you stumbled upon her.”

She titled her head down to look at him. “I’m sure you noticed the elements’ strange behaviour?”

“... they’ve all gone crazy.”

She chuckled. “Oh no, dear. They have always been a bit loopy in the brain case. Centuries of rebirth would do that to your soul too, you see.”

“... Huh?”

“Oh! Forgive me, I’m getting ahead of myself. The other elements seemed as if they were dissociative did they not? Or even in high spirits, despite Miss Generosity’s death?”

Anon gave a short nod, “Yeah, I think Fluttershy might have actually killed her...”

She shrugged, “Possibly! The elements have been around for a long time, living and dying time and time again. You see, you end up finding new ways to entertain yourself after thousands of years of monotony.”

“... Including murder?”

She giggled, “Hey don’t knock it till you try it.”

“... I feel greatly uncomfortable sitting this close to you, now.”

“Oh don’t be that way. I wouldn’t hurt you! Unless you don’t agree with my politics,” Anon blanched. “And it’s not like the elements have been killing random ponies—at least not important ones—so you won’t have to worry about them killing you. Probably. I’m 75% sure.”

She rolled that around in her head for a bit while scratching her chin, “65% sure.” She corrected.

The human shivered. “But what about everyone else? Wouldn't they think it’s strange that a dead pony is back to walking amongst them? Or you know, when they don’t age?”

“Oh Anon, they do age. Get diseases and stuff too! I remember this one time Laughter had to go through chemo because she ended up getting bone cancer—“

“Holy shit bro.”

“—Haha, sorry. No, they’re not immortal or long living, they are just simply reborn, remembering lost memories again once one of them encounters another reborn element.”

Anon paused and blinked. “... That doesn’t make any sense.”

Celestia just shrugged, “I stopped trying to make sense of it the third time I ‘met‘ them.”

Anon nodded. “Okay and you’re telling me all this... why?” Celestia gave him a smirk and nudged him with her wing. “Because I know you won’t tell anyone else!”

“I won’t?”

“Yes! because I’m sure you value living, correct?”

“U- Ye- Yeah?”

“Good boy!” She crooned, patting his head.

‘Oh my god. Everyone is fucking crazy.’

“I- I wanna go home.”

“Not happening. No one ever escapes Harmony, Anon.”

“...”

“Fuck.”

“Later. Now stop moping. The
elements are holding a competition to see who can throw Generosity the farthest and I think we should join!” She giggled and started dragging him by his hand.

“It’ll be fun!”

He highly doubted that.

Author's Note

Double upload because Adderall got me actin’ strange. That stuff truly is a poor man’s cocaine.