To Anon, the room was silent, dark, and foreboding... Color had drained from the man's face, causing his normal dark, forest green to turn a shade of lime.
To everyone, or, everypony in this case, it was a normal night in Equestria, why wouldn't it be? After all, doing... that was extremely common. Anon hadn't even arrived in this land more than a week ago and already he had seen ponies doing... it... With one another all over town!
Just before his 'Welcome to a Different Dimension/Planet/Universe (To Be Announced At A Later Date!) Party!' He had walked in on Spike and Twilight doing It! He had quickly excused himself and backpedaled out of the room but the damage was done! He couldn't even look her in the eye anymore...
And now, here stood the connoisseur of Parties, the one who he had thought was so sweet and innocent, asking him to do... that...
As carefully as he could, he set his drink down with trembling hands and straightened his tie, then turned back towards the Pink mare.
He took a deep breath and shook his head, but spoke before she could get a word in, her mouth half open already, "I apologize Ms. Pie, but I am afraid humans do not do...that with the same level of... Audacity you Ponies do. It is simply a result of our upbringing." He held up a gloved hand to forestall further talk, and indicated the direction of the bathroom. "Now, if you will excuse me, I need to borrow the lavatory."
There he stayed for the rest of the party, and there started a pattern of sorts that would be repeated over the course of nearly three months...
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By the end of the first month word had gotten around town that its newest resident was, to put it lightly, touch shy. He refused all offers to do... it and even refused gifts that might ease him into it...
Ponies remarked that he was a strange one, that Anon, shielding his eyes any time he saw a couple or some friends doing... it. Refusing to the leave the bathroom or politely excusing himself to go home if a group of Ponies decided to have a group... session... They saw it as enjoyable and relaxing, nothing to be ashamed of...
But by the second month Ponies had become used to it, and apologized or warned him they had the urge to do... It. And all requests and gifts had stopped... All but one.
The Pink Mare was once again sitting at Anon's front door, just as she had every day since he had moved into this home, gazing up at the man, with a wide smile on her face and a barely restrained bounce in her hooves.
At this point being polite was growing difficult, and one could only be so firm and still remain polite. So he simply stood there, trying to think of something that would get through to her.
He had tried explaining to her his upbringing, how touch shy his family had been growing up, where even light pats on the arm were considered uncomfortable and weird, how little humans did such things openly and so flauntingly, he had never even done... It... With a Human!
So he simply shook his head, thanked her for the offer, and gently closed the door behind himself, retreating back into his home.
So the pattern went for a few days, until at one point he paused, having just closed the door, and voice in the back of his mind whispered... 'But what if we did do it with her...?'
He reeled, eyes wide and confused, where had that thought come from? Surely HE wasn't changing! Besides, she wasn't even HUMAN, it would be like doing it with a... A dog! Or... well, a Pony... But that was besides the point! They weren't human!
'So what...?' The voice whispered, trying to show him images of the cute pink pony wrapped up in his arms, a content smile on her face and her soft fur pressed against his skin...
He stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed a soda, downing it with a shaking hand, spilling much of it on his suit... "This wasn't right," he thought, "Its indecent!" He cried out, grabbing another soda and downing it more carefully...
And yet, the thought stuck with him...
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It was nearing the end of his third month in Ponyville, and Anon was a wreck. Soda stained tiny patches of of his suit where he had been to slow to clean it, tiny, nigh imperceptible bags had formed under his eyes, and he had not left the house in nearly two days!
And that voice... That Darnable voice had persisted... He was at the end of his rope... "Maybe... Just once, to shut that voice up..." He thought, and not more than five seconds later there was a knock at his door. Freezing for a moment, Anon stared, then heard a second knock and quickly moved towards the door, it was rude to keep a guest waiting after all...
There stood Pinkie, as usual, with her usually bright smile and barely restrained excitement. And as she opened her mouth Anon held up his hand, flinching at the impoliteness of it, but he was taking a leap, and under the circumstances he found himself caring slightly less than usual.
"Ms. Pie... I shall... Accept your offer, however, only this once! Never again! If that is amenable to you, I mean..."
Pinkie grin got even wider, if that was possible, and without a further word she bounced her way into the house, the door shutting with an ominous thump...
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From there on, Anons tale grows sadder, just once was not enough, and within the week had invited Pinkie inside again, desperate for... It...
He still saw what the other ponies were doing and hurriedly turned away, but now he watched from the corner of his eye, his face flushed...
Soon, doing...It... Only a few times a week wasn't enough, and he was soon seeking Pinkie out, a quick session in her room, a quick jaunt to the bathroom together, sneaking out in the middle of parties, even sneaking into one anothers houses late at night to have...All Night Fun... As Pinkie called it...
But alas, all good things must come to an end, and one day, while Pinkie and Anon were doing...it in one of the spare rooms of the castle, Princess Twilight Sparkle walked in, her eyes wide at the sight of the two, entwined and with the look of bliss on their faces as they held each other tight.
Before she could speak however Anon gasped and threw himself from the bed, still shirtless, diving under it and snatching his shirt from the floor, crying out "Princess Sparkle! I am so Sorry! I have sullied your sheets and your reputation with my wanton behavior!" Or at least, thats what Twilight assumed he was saying through all his regretful tears and blubbering...
She turned towards her friend and smiled, ignoring the blubbering mess under the bed "I didn't know you guys were Cuddle Buddies! Aren't you lucky!"
Pinkie giggles and hops up, still wrapped up partially in a cocoon of soft, warm blankets. "Yup yup! He's suuuuper good at cuddling too! He does this thing, where he runs his hands through your mane and and down your back! You gotta try it!" Both mares glanced down where the still sobbing Anon could be heard, and Pinkie chuckles, slightly embarrassed, "Well, when he's done."
Author's Note
I did this in like, an hour, its dumb but it was fun. Grammar and spelling is probably all over the place.