Hired Gun

by Gyvon

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Violence, Alternate Universe, Human, Changelings, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 24563

A Private Military Contractor unknowingly agrees to a job offer that takes him to Equestria

My name is James Clark, and I am a Private Military Contractor. No, not Mercenary. Yes, there is a difference, but that's beside the point.

Ok, where was I? Ah yes, I was just entering my office in Downtown Houston one afternoon to hear a job offer. When I got there, I found a beautiful, robe-wearing woman waiting for me. Now, in this day and age, most people would find that strange. I didn't for two reasons.

1) In this line of work, you run into a few crazies. If I had a dollar for every nut-job I turned away, I could buy a small European country.

2) It was Halloween. Hell, I was on my way to a party dressed in a replica suit of Veteran Ranger Armor from Fallout: New Vegas, complete with gas mask and real riot gear I borrowed from a friend on the SWAT team. I was gonna win the costume contest for sure!

I'm getting off topic, aren't I? Anyways, this weirdo offered me a job without going into much detail. No location, no objective, not even a dollar amount The only thing I got out of her was the promise that I would be saving thousands, if not millions of lives.

Every instinct told me to turn the job down, and yet I still accepted it. Maybe the idea of playing hero again had its appeal.

God, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Published 2012-09-11 01:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-06 00:10:55 UTC

Chapter 2: The Merc and the Ponies

Chapter 2: The Merc and the Ponies

I don't know how long I was standing there with my jaw open before one of the locals decided to approach me. This one was a somewhat normal color at least, being a light tan with a blonde mane and tail. I assumed it was a stallion. Is that the proper term? Do pastel colored ponies use the same terms as humans? I'll get that answer later, this guy looks like he's about to say something.

"Howdy stranger!" he said in a gruff voice, confirming his gender. He stood at a little over four feet tall, and was wearing a stetson on his head. On his flank was the image of an old-timey sheriff's badge. "Welcome to Land's End. Mah name's Bronze Star, and ah'm the Sheriff of this here town." At least they talk normal around these parts. If I'm not careful, I'll slip into a Texas accent here.

"Greetings sir," I said, laying it on a little thick. "If it's not too much trouble, could you point me to the nearest hat store and the End of the World?"

I wanted to call shenanigans when Star started rubbing his chin with his hoof. I may have failed biology, but I know that an equine's foreleg is not that limber. Then again, I also know that they can't talk, so who am I to argue?

"Well, the tavern's just down the street there," he said, pointing in that direction. Sure enough, in big, neon letters (my anachronism senses are tingling) was a sign indicating the tavern in question. "As for a hat, the general store just five doors down from here should have something in your size."

"Thank you. Have a good day, sir." With that, I was off.

Walking down the main drag was a surreal experience to say the least. From the wood and brick construction work and dirt roads, it looked like I had stepped into the middle of a Western. If it weren't for the ponies, I wouldn't have been surprised if Ben Cartwright came walking up to me. I was so engrossed in the scenery that I didn't notice at first that ponies were not the only ones walking around. Across the street, I saw a pegasus chatting with a pair of griffons. Seriously, real live griffons out of mythology! I also saw something that looked like a cross between a pitbull and a gorilla walking down the middle of the street.

Before long, I found myself standing in front of the general store. It was a one story mud-brick building with a swinging door and a large window, through which I could see a whole mess of hats. One of them definitely looked like it would fit me. I strolled in like I owned the place and grabbed the hat out of the window display. Trying it on, it felt like it was custom-made for my head. Untying the money-pouch from my belt, I approached the clerk, a bored looking, yellow-coated unicorn mare who seemed to be completely focused on filing her hooves. I filed away the fact that she seemed to be levitating the file in a pale yellow aura for later.

"How much?" I inquired.

"Twelve bits," she replied, turning to face me. When she got a good look at me, she gasped and the file dropped as the aura around it disappeared. I tried, and failed, to not look smug at her reaction, and set twelve coins down on the counter. The mare levitated them and dropped the coins into the till.

"W-w-will that be all, s-sir?"

"Yes, thank you." Feeling like I'd traumatized her enough, I promptly walked out of the store and headed for the tavern. Despite how cool I'd been acting, dealing with talking ponies definitely made me feel like having a drink.

"So, where is this mercenary your Queen was supposed to hire?" asked the lavender mare. Twilight Sparkle was in Land's End in a seedy tavern on the personal request of Princess Celestia, even though she'd rather be anywhere else. The reason for her trepidation was the two ponies sitting across the table from her, if you could call them ponies in the first place. Underneath their fuzzy exterior was a black, chitinous exoskeleton.

"He'll be here," the male said. Going by the name Wasp, he was disguised as a red, blue-maned unicorn stallion. His job was to protect his sister, Princess Wisp, the current heir to the changeling throne and envoy to Equestria.

"How will we recognize him?" asked Twilight. "Did she say what he'd look like?"

"No, not exactly," replied Wisp. Disguised as a cornflower-blue pegasus, her luxurious, silver mane reminded Twilight of her friend Rarity. "All mom told us was that his name was Mr. Clark, and that we'd know when we saw him."

Grumbling to herself, it took all her willpower for Twilight to not slam her face into the table. It was bad enough that she had to meet with changelings, but now their Queen was being cryptic? This was the last thing she needed. Just the prospect of meeting with changelings was bad enough. No matter how curious she was about them, Twilight could not find it in herself to completely forgive them for foalnapping Cadence, brainwashing her big brother, and invading Canterlot. Sure, that happened under the old Queen, but it was the principle of the matter.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the door open violently, slamming against the wall. Grumbling, Twilight turned around, ready to berate the careless pony. She didn't get a chance, as her jaw nearly met the floor upon seeing the new arrival.

It was bipedal, and stood straight and tall, about as tall as Princess Celestia minus her horn. It was dressed in what appeared to be armor, but not made of any metal she was familiar with. She doubted it was metal at all. It also wore a large, leather duster, and on its head was a new Stetson. It appeared hairless, save for eyebrows, a scraggly beard, and brown hair under the hat, and its face was scarred.

Wasp chose that moment to speak up. "I think that's our guy."

Damnit! I opened that door way too hard. Now everyone's staring at me, and it was bad enough walking down the street. That damn door ruined even the remotest possibility of stealth.

Shrugging to myself, I strolled on over to the bar and sat down. The bar was like any you'd find in an old western, complete with big-ass mirror, and only slightly lower than what I was used to. It was far from uncomfortable to sit down. The bartender, a unicorn stallion whose coat was a rich golden color, gave one look at me, and just huffed.

"What cannae git ye?" he asked, in what sounded like a Scottish accent.

"Tequila, straight." The accent is just another on the pile of shit I'll figure out later.

The unicorn grunted, and levitated an unlabeled bottle filled with a clear liquid. He poured me a shot, which I quickly tossed back. "Another." The stallion grunted again, and poured me another shot.

I have to be careful. For some reason tequila, unlike any other spirit, goes straight to my brain. Two shots is all I can usually handle without going, to use a clinical term, "bat-shit crazy." I learned that the hard way in Kalamazoo.

"Excuse me, sir," called out a feminine voice to my right before I could finish my drink. Turning, I saw that it was a lavender unicorn mare, with an indigo mane and tail that had a violet and pink stripe running through it. Her flank had a pink starburst surrounded by five white stars. "Are you Mr. Clark?"

"That depends. Who wants to know?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, that was rude of me. I'm Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia." At this point I began to wonder if all ponies had such strange names. "My, er, 'friends' and I were told to wait for a Mr. Clark about escorting us to Canterlot."

"Ah, yes, that'd be me then." I wanted to be a jackass right here, but decided against it. I wanted answers, and doubted I'd get any by being rude. Besides, the smile on her face was worth it.

"Great! Would you mind coming over to our table so we can discuss the details?"

"Sure thing, kid. Just let me finish my drink." I went to grab my glass, and froze.

Ever wonder why old-time saloons had large mirrors? It was a way to tell everyone that the owner was rich as balls. You see, mirrors back in the day were fucking expensive. That's also where the belief that breaking a mirror would bring seven years of bad luck came from.

Why am I going off on that non-sequiter? Because, thanks to this bar's mirror, I managed to spot one of those dog-apes sneaking up behind me, wearing a red vest and carrying a long, wicked knife in its paw. As it approached, it raised the knife high. My armor was rated to stop a knife, but I didn't want to take a chance.

In one swift motion, I reached for my holdout, drew it, and spun around, The canine's eyes widened in shock as it stared down the barrel of my weapon, before I pulled the trigger twice. Two sharp cracks split the air, as two bullets pierced the dog's skull. The creature dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Twilight's jaw drop, and I could hear gasps from the other patrons. Soon after I heard galloping outside, and Sheriff Bronze Star barged into the tavern.

"Alright, what happened here? What's all the ruckus?"

Before I could get a word in edgewise, the bartender spoke up. "Ach, Sheriff, this diamond dog tried to knife this fine stallion here," he said, waving a hoof at me. "But he dinnae count on his intended victim to defend himself."

"Is that true, ma'am?" he asked, casting a suspicious glance at Twilight.

"Er, y-yes sir." she said. " I-it was s-self defense."

Bronze Star simply snorted. "Very well, then. Ah'll take the body away then." He turned to face me. "Ah'll also need you to come by mah office. Just a formality."

"I have business to take care of first, but I'll be along shortly." With that, Bronze Star grabbed the diamond dog by the collar of its vest and dragged it out.

"Thanks for that," I said to the bartender.

"Nae problem, lad. I jest told the truth. Besides, I should be thanking ye. The little blighter's been givin' me trouble fer weeks."

With the threat dealt with, I slipped my .22 back into its holster, and tossed back my drink. "So, with that interuption dealt with, could we meet with your friends?" I asked Twilight, shooting her a confident smile.

"Y-yes! This way please." She turned and walked shakily over to a table with two other ponies, a unicorn and pegasus, and sat down. I definitely traumatized the poor mare. She looks like the bookworm type. Hell, this is probably the first time she's seen anything die.

Oh well, not my problem.

Chapter 3: The Clients

Chapter 3: The Clients

After settling my tab with the bartender and re-holstering my pistol, I went to join Twilight and her group. I'd police my brass, but .22lr casings are a bitch and a half to find. Knowing my luck, the shells probably fell in between the floorboards.

I got a good look at Twilight's companions, and something about them didn't feel quite right. Appearance wise, there was nothing out of the ordinary about them, relatively speaking anyways. They were still pastel-colored ponies, and that was pretty weird to me.

The red unicorn was definitely the muscle of the operation. He was big, but not a bodybuilder by any stretch of the imagination, and yet at the same time I could tell that he was no stranger to the weight room. He was more quarterback than linebacker. Like every adult pony I'd seen so far, this one also had a mark on his flank. A pair of crossed sabers behind a kite shield in his case. Note to self: ask about the purpose of everyone's flank markings.

The blue pegasus, on the other hand, had a slim figure. The looks a few stallions threw her way told me that she was considered very attractive by pony standards. Honestly, I'd have to agree. Something about her just exuded sex appeal. It didn't help that her eyes were an enchanting shade of emerald green. She was giving me some very disturbing thoughts that I tried desperately to beat into submission. We're not even the same species, damnit!

Luckily, the stallion provided a distraction. "Excellent work with that diamond dog."

"Yeah, well, this aint the first time someone tried to knife me in a bar." Again, Kalamazoo was rearing its ugly head. "I'm just surprised I'm not in trouble with the law."

"It's Land's End," Twilight explained. "This kind of thing happens all the time here. Besides, Equestrian law provides clear provisions on the use of deadly force in the act of defending oneself or others, although it is strongly frowned upon. You'll have to answer a few questions over at the Sheriff's office later"

"That's... surprisingly lenient," I replied.

"Well, that mutt has been harassing anything that moves, though he hadn't tried to kill anypony until just now," the pegasus mare interjected. "Name's Wisp, by the way."

"I'm Wasp," added the stallion. "You've already met our friend Twilight." The mare in question snorted in annoyance. From what I could tell, she didn't particularly like her companions, even though she had to work with them.

"James Clark," I said, introducing myself for the first time as I sat next to Twilight.

"Strange name," Wasp commented. I wanted to comment on how strange I found their names, but really, from their perspective their names were probably commonplace. "So, you're the Mercenary my mother hired? I must say that I'm impressed so far."

I felt my eyebrow twitch, and fought the urge to violently berate the stallion. These three ponies were my only real contact in this strange place, and it'd do me no good to drive them away. They must have noticed my agitation, as they stared at me worriedly. I took a deep breath before replying.

"For the record, I'm a Private Military Contractor, not a Mercenary."

"What's the difference?" asked Wisp dismissively.

Alright, I was trying to be polite, but it seems they needed a lesson. "A Mercenary is a two-bit thug who takes orders from the highest bidder without regard to the consequences. They usually have no marketable skills, severe mental instability, and a brain the size of a walnut.

"As for me, I'm not a 'soldier for hire'. My line of work usually entails consultation, with a little security work on the side. When I'm not telling an oil firm how to best protect their wells in the Middle East, I'm usually escorting some fat-cat CEO or spoiled celebrity from one place to another."

"Sounds like you're arguing over semantics to me," Twilight commented dryly.

"Yeah, well, my boss once told me that it was the difference between an escort and a whore." That joke had mixed results. Twilight just sputtered, completely at a loss for words, while Wasp glared at me for some reason. I thought the stallion of the group would appreciate the dirty joke.

Oh no, it was Wisp that was giggling like a schoolgirl (school-filly?), although she tried (and failed) to cover it up. Ah well, I was trying to lighten the mood a bit, and it seems that I succeeded. Hell, I could see the hint of a smirk on Wasp's face. It's amazing how expressive their faces are. "So, I don't have too many details on this job. Care to fill in the blanks?"

"Not here," said Twilight, her voice just above a whisper. "We have suites at the hotel next door. I'll answer your questions there."

"Fair enough," I said as I got out of my seat. "Lead the way."

As I stepped outside the bar, I finally realized something. There is no way in hell I'd ever be able to go anywhere discreetly. No matter where I went, I drew stares from everyone around. The only reason I didn't notice it earlier was probably because I was still getting used to the sentient pastel ponies.

Bystanders continued staring at me during the short walk to the four-story building next door. As we entered through the double-doors, however, we were greeted with an empty lobby, save for the receptionist behind the counter.

The lobby was surprisingly opulent for this one horse town. Ok, so there were at least a couple hundred ponies, but the point still stands. Luxurious blue curtains were hung from the windows, blocking most of the light and heat of the noonday sun. The crown molding was made from purpleheart and carved in intricate patterns. The floor appeared to be made of black onyx.

In the center of the lobby was a large, marble statue of what appeared to be a winged unicorn, wearing an obsidian crown and chestpiece, each inlaid with a crescent moon made from a metal that seemed to glow in the dim light.

"Damn!" I commented. Whoever that statue depicted must've been pretty damn important.

"That's Princess Luna," said Twilight, who apparently had freaky mind-reading powers. "She rules Equestria alongside her sister, Princess Celestia. She also raises the moon, while Princes Celestia raises the sun."

Ok, time out. I'm willing to accept a lot of things. Things like sentient ponies, griffons, and freaky bug-horses that kidnap me from my own reality for a job. But this? "Bullshit." Yeah, she wasn't expecting that reaction.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" she sputtered.

"You heard me. There is no way that I am going to accept that two god-like beings both control the movement of the celestial bodies, AND rule an entire nation on top of that. What's next? You gonna tell me that they're a thousand years old?"

"A little over two thousand, actually," Twilight replied matter-of-factly. "Also, for the record, none of the three Princesses enjoy being referred to as 'gods'."

Hold on a second, that sounded important. "Wait, I thought you said there were only two Princesses."

"No, I never said that. There are three Princesses, but only Celestia and Luna have any real power," Twilight informed me. "There's also my sister-in-law Cadence, but she's not in the direct line of succession, and we're getting off topic."

"You're right, but we can discuss it later." I did not want to get into a debate on how the world worked. Partially because I thought that a magical pony Princess controlling the movement of a star patently ridiculous. Mostly because, as ridiculous as this place has been, I had a feeling that I was gonna lose. Besides, I found the fact that Twilight was related to royalty to be more relevant to my situation.

She appeared to want to continue the debate, but stopped herself. "You're right, it's not important and we're wasting time. Let's just get upstairs." With that, little miss smartypants stomped off. This debate was far from over. Still, there would be plenty of time for that later. Still, why did such a small town have such an elaborate statue of their Princess?

Wasp and Wisp followed Twilight, while I brought up the rear. The only thing I knew right now was that this was an escort job, and some mutt had tried to knife me. Sure, it could've been a random mugging, but I wasn't gonna take any chances.

Then again, most assassins weren't that sloppy.

When we reached the elevator, we didn't have to wait long. Hell, it seemed to be waiting for us. It was a tight fit, but we managed to fit all four of us in. although both Wisp and Wasp seemed to shrink a little bit. Twilight's horn glowed a violet color and the button for the fourth floor was pressed.

This telekinetic ability fascinated me. I had only seen unicorns do it so far, and I had a strong suspicion that only they could. Otherwise, Bronze Star would've levitated the diamond dog out instead of dragging it out with his mouth. I doubt that tasted even remotely decent.

On that note, if only unicorns could perform telekinesis, what could the other ponies do? Obviously, pegasi can fly, but what about the regular ponies? Did they have something that distinguished them from the rest?

I was shaken out of my thoughts when the elevator stopped. The doors opened to an extravagant hallway that was painted a midnight blue and trimmed in silver. "Ok, how can this hotel afford this? I mean, that statue alone must've cost an arm and a leg!"

"Don't let the size of the town fool you, Land's End is a major trading hub, since it's on the border between Equestria, Zebraria, and the Griffon Kingdoms," said Twilight as she led us down the hallway. "There isn't enough water to support a large permanent population, but during caravan season the town swells in numbers. The statue, however, is a different story. Last year, a mining firm was trying to buy up the town and was using some dirty tricks to get their way. The town tried to fight it in court, but Princess Celestia's schedule was swamped. So, they took it to Princess Luna."

"I see." Apparently, their Princesses got involved in the day to day dealings of the populace. Do they look at every court case, or are they just the Supreme court here? "What happened next?" Twilight began to chuckle darkly.

"Princess Luna tore that company apart, piece by piece. Not only did she rule in favor of Land's End, but she also went back and looked at the company's other business dealings, and found that they had done this before. They were forced to pay reparations to the towns that they had wronged, and went bankrupt soon after, only to be scooped up by other mining corporations."

Damn, I was not expecting that. Cut throat corporate practices just seemed out of place in this sugar bowl of a world. Still, at least the government looks after the little guy to an extent. I was expecting the worst when I heard that this place was ruled by a monarchy. "Alright, stop me if I'm wrong here. After the Princess saved the town, the hotel commissioned a statue in her honor?"

"Correct!" exclaimed Twilight as she stopped in front of a door. "The hotel's owner even redecorated the entire building in her honor, and he also permanently reserved a suite for the Princess' personal use. She is currently lending it to Wisp."

"Why?"

"That'll be explained as soon as we're inside," Wasp interjected as his horn glowed a sickly, pale green color. The door swung open, and the stallion led Wisp inside, followed closely by Twilight. As I stepped into the suite, I was once again floored by the grandeur of this hotel. They obviously spared no expense, but then again, this was the Princess' personal suite.

Darkness was definitely the theme for this room. The floor was covered with a midnight-blue wool carpet, while the walls were painted a lighter shade of blue. At the far end of the room was a large, four-poster bed, which had a frame that appeared to be made out of pure silver, and large. Did I mention that already? It was larger than a California King sized bed. The sheets were navy blue, and the pillows were as white as a cloud. It looked like the most comfortable bed I would ever see, and it took all my professionalism to not jump in and take a nap.

There were no windows, save for a single, massive skylight that encompassed the entire ceiling, letting in a lot of light, but strangely no heat. The ice veins potion kept me cool, but I could still tell that it was hot as blazes outside. That skylight should've made this room a greenhouse, and yet it felt like a nice seventy-six Fahrenheit. I was going to question how that was possible, but decided to chalk it up to magic. They had magic here, right? It would certainly explain the telekinesis.

The door slammed closed, shaking me from my thoughts. I took my hat off and placed it on a nearby hat rack, depositing my backpack next to the rack as I did so. "So," I addressed my clients, "what couldn't be said back at the bar?"

"It's about Wisp and Wasp," replied Twilight, rubbing her forelegs together nervously. It's amazing how human their body language is. "You see, Princess Celestia believes that we should keep their true nature a secret for now."

My eyebrow rose curiously. "What about them?" I cast a sidelong glance at the two. Wasp stood proud, while Wisp seemed to be casting bedroom eyes in my direction. Is she... trying to flirt with me? Before I could get an answer, they both were consumed in familiar green flames. Great, more bug-horses.

Wasp's new form was even bigger and bulkier. He now stood just below my chin, and was built like a draft horse. Black chitinous plates seemed to bulge from the amount of muscle they were containing. His horn was now slightly curved and extremely sharp along one edge, almost like a samurai's katana. His blue mane remained, but appeared tattered.

Wisp, on the other hand, grew a head taller than her brother, allowing me to look her in the eye without stooping down. She looked even slimmer now, almost like a model if not for the chitinous plates. Her wings became insect-like, and a long, crooked horn jutted through her immaculate silver mane. She flashed a toothy smile, revealing two, vampire like fangs.

"They're changelings," Twilight commented flatly. I didn't hear her too clearly. I'd tuned her out as I reacted to Wisp and Wasp's transformations. My hand moved quickly, and drew Black Betty from her holster. Wasp's eyes widened as I took aim, pointing Betty at a point directly in between the two changelings. I had no intention of shooting them. Hell, I hadn't cocked the hammer yet and my finger was off the trigger, but I had a sense of satisfaction watching Wasp's face. He'd seen what my holdout could do to a diamond dog, and now he was imagining what the big iron in my hand could do to him.

"Alright, what do you know about the bitch that dragged me here?" It was high time I got some answers.

"That would be my mother," Wisp replied sweetly, not even showing a hint of fear. "Please put the weapon down, James."

Sighing, I withdrew Betty and re-holstered her. At least now I knew why I had a funny feeling about them earlier. "So, what's the deal? Can't walk around in the open like that?"

"Something like that," answered Wisp, whose voice had taken on an almost music-like quality to it. "Two months ago, my aunt Chrysalis, the Queen at the time, launched an invasion of Canterlot. Our people were starving, and Chrysalis believed that Canterlot held the solution to our problem. The invasion was repelled, but in a way, Chrysalis was proven right. Our food shortage problem was partially solved."

"How?"

"Heavy casualties," she replied acidly. "The invasion force was almost completely wiped out, buying us a few more months, maybe a year if we're lucky. My mother, having taken power from aunt Chrysalis, has decided to try diplomacy. We've been meeting with Twilight Sparkle for the past couple of weeks to hammer out a tentative peace deal."

"I see..." Something wasn't adding up here. You don't invade a nation's Capitol for a food source, that was a conquest strategy. Were they lying to me? Did Chrysalis lie to the Changelings? "If your people were starving, why not ask the Equestrian government for help?"

"Well..." She was definitely hiding something from me, but I needed to know. I could tell that, deep down, she knew that as well. "We... haven't really been welcomed with open hooves, even before the invasion. Mainly due to misconceptions about our feeding habits."

"... Feeding habits?" I asked, tilting my head to the side.

"They're parasites," growled Twilight.

Ok, I wasn't expecting that, and it nearly floored me. Sapient parasites? How was that even remotely possible? "Seriously? What do they feed on, blood?"

"Positive emotions," Wisp interjected. "Joy, elation, love, contentment, and a range of others."

Ladies and gentlemen, it was official. I was creeped the fuck out! I was in the same room as sentient, emotion draining parasites! My hand started to slowly reach for Black Betty again. Wisp must've seen the movement, as she rolled her eyes gave off an exasperated sigh.

"See, this is what I meant. Ponies hear that we feed off of emotions and immediately freak out, imagining us to be a race of soul-sucking vampires!" As frustrated as she sounded, I got the feeling that Wisp had gone through this particular rant at least once before, most likely with Twilight. "Could you at least let me lay down a few facts on the table before jumping to conclusions?"

Yup, I felt like a jackass. I was ready to blow both their brains out in an act of panic. That really hit me in my professional pride. I relaxed, and moved my hand away from my holster. "Start talking."

"Alright." Wisp closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. It was kinda amazing how flexible these quadrupeds were. "It's a bit of a misunderstanding to say that we 'feed' off of emotions. Rather, when a sentient being; pony, griffon, diamond dog, whatever, expresses any emotion, they give off a powerful magical energy that us changelings need to survive. Without a changeling present, the energy just dissipates into the aether. In essence, our feeding habits do NOT harm those we feed on."

Ok, that didn't seem too bad. I mean, if the energy was gonna go to waste anyways, it might as well be used. It also confirmed my magic theory. But, my sceptical side wasn't so sure. "You have any proof of that?"

"Look no further than Twilight," Wasp interjected. "I've been feeding off of her since we met, and she-"

"YOU WHAT!" Have you ever seen a pissed off unicorn? Of course you haven't. Let me tell you, watching Twilight lose her cool was both adorable and pants-shittingly terrifying at the same time. Her mane and tail literally burst into flames! "I- You- Why- AARGH!" In a flash of light, Twilight was gone.

"Ok, what was that?" I asked Wasp.

"I think she teleported to her room. She does that some-"

"That's not what I meant, jackass." I started channeling my old Marine Corp drill instructor. "Why would you go and do that without permission? I had the impression that you two were here to set an example, and you went and fucked it up!"

"But, I-"

"No excuses!" God, I hadn't had a chance to actually shout at a client for doing something stupid in a long time. It felt good. "I want you to go and apologize to that poor girl, right the fuck now!" Without missing a beat, Wasp transformed back into a unicorn and made a mad dash for the door. I doubt the poor fucker even stopped to think about it. I can be pretty scary when I want.

When the door slammed shut, I sighed and rubbed my forehead. This job hadn't really started yet, and it was already giving me a headache.

"Would you like some water?" asked Wisp. I nodded, and she walked through a side door, probably to a bathroom of some sort.

Feeling like I'd stood up long enough, I walked over to the foot of the bed, and sat down. God, it was comfortable. I was tempted to just lay down, but knew I wouldn't be getting up any time soon if I did. It didn't help that I was suddenly feeling severely exhausted. The fact that I was no longer anywhere near home was starting to dawn on me, and I did not like the implications. I'd just been too distracted up until now to really focus. But, I had a job to do. I'd have to try and not completely freak out until after it's over.

Wisp chose that moment to trot back into the room, levitating a glass of water in front of her and smiling sweetly at me. Once again I had the distinct feeling that she was trying to seduce me for some reason. Knowing their feeding habits shed some light on her possible motive, but it still creeped me out.

"Thanks," I said, taking the proffered glass. As I took a sip, I felt the bed shift beneath me. Wisp had climbed up and was laying down to my left.

"I can't believe my idiot brother did that!" she said, clearly annoyed.

"Shit happens." Truthfully, I completely understood why Wasp did what he did. Guy's gotta eat after all. Still, he should've at least asked permission. It would've been the right thing to do, after all. But then again, he probably wasn't used to asking permission to eat. That brought up an interesting question. "So, how do you feed? Just stand around and absorb emotions?"

Wisp giggled behind her holey hoof. "Some changelings do, but that is incredibly inefficient. Every one of us has their own individual style. Some go into a pony town and build up interpersonal relationships. Others would foalnap and replace a pony that was already in a relationship and feed off the love meant for another, although my mother has been trying to stamp that practice out."

"What about you?" I asked, taking another sip.

"Casual sex."

I sputtered mid-sip, dripping water everywhere while she giggled at my expense. "Oh grow up. It's easy, fun for everypony involved, and really fills me up."

"Not helping!" I suspect that double entendre was unintentional, but I wasn't completely sure.

Wisp simply rolled her eyes at me. "You are such a prude."

I pounded my chest a couple times and coughed. After a few moments, I was back in control, and more than willing to change the subject. "So, how are we supposed to get to Canterlot?"

"Well, we were going to hop on the first train to Appleloosa tomorrow," she replied. "Once there, we'll transfer to one going to Canterlot. Mother suggested that we avoid drawing any unwanted attention to us."

I groaned, smacking my had with my palm. "And she hired me to escort you? What the hell was she thinking?"

"What do you mean, James?"

"Have you not seen how much the locals have been staring at me?" I asked. "I'm ruining any chance of sneaking around just by being here."

Wisp looked at me, eyes wide in shock. She obviously had not thought about that. Moments later, however, I could see the lightbulb in her head light up as she smiled. "I was wondering why she told me to pack that!"

That? What the hell? Before I could ask, Wisp hopped off the bed and rushed over to a chest of drawers. She opened the top drawer, and pulled out an amulet. She trotted back over to me, looking smug the whole way. The amulet was made out of a silvery-white metal, with a single green gemstone in the center. "What is that?"

"It's platinum. The gem is alexandrite," she replied. "What you're about to see is probably the most advanced bit of changeling magic ever!" As she said that, her horn began glowing a bright green, and soon rivalled the sun in intensity. She reared back, and struck the amulet with her horn, resulting in a blinding flash of light as horn and metal made contact. God, I hope no one comes to investigate.

Moments later, I open my eyes and see that the amulet... hadn't changed at all. It was till levitating in front of Wisp, who was smiling wide.

"Alright, put this on," she said, floating the platinum jewellery over to me. I grabbed it reluctantly, and gave her a puzzled look. Wisp only grinned and nodded. Taking that as encouragement, I slid the amulet over my head, and...

Noting happened. "Ok, what the hell? Nothing happened!" She just giggled. She'd been doing that a lot today.

"Of course not, silly. You have to activate it before it'll work its magic." she explained. "I enchanted it with a transformation spell. Tap it twice, and it'll transform you into a unicorn for two hours."

Ok, I'll admit, if this worked, I'd be impressed. It'd solve the main problem pretty cleanly. But I had a few questions first. "So, what's the downside?"

"Well," she dithered, "it perfectly transforms the body, but the mind's a little trickier. The amulet will grant you the basic instincts of a pony, but it'll take a while before you can make use of them. I suspect that walking will be your biggest challenge, seeing as you'd essentially grow an extra pair of legs." Ok, that was a big downside. "It should only take you a few hours though. You'll have plenty of time to get the hang of it. Magic, however, will take longer, so I wouldn't advise trying." She was definitely proud of herself now. "So, go ahead, give it a tap."

I was about to do just that, before I thought of something. "What about my clothes?"

She sighed impatiently. "Your clothes will be fine. Anything you wear, save for very powerful magical objects, will be caught in the transformation spell and will conform to your new body. Trust me, I've done this before. Now, if there are no more questions, I'd like to see how your new form will look."

Well, here goes nothing. I tapped the amulet twice, and was consumed by emerald-green fire. It felt... well, not painful, just plain weird. Less than a moment later, the flames died down and I belly flopped onto the ground. Looking out from where I landed, I saw... hooves. Steel grey hooves stuck out of the arms of my leather duster. I turned my head, and saw that my outfit had indeed transformed with me. It didn't even feel uncomfortable, which was amazing in itself. A blonde tail was sticking out of my backside.

I tried to stand up, but lost my balance halfway. Wisp laughed at my expense, but that only drove me to try again. I managed to stand up on all four hooves this time, though I was shaking like a chihuahua in winter the whole way up. It took a few minutes, but I managed to steady myself. I tried taking a step, and nearly face-planted onto the floor. Apparently, I wasn't ready to try walking just yet.

A large mirror hovered in from the bathroom, and was placed in front of me, allowing myself to get a good look at my new body. My coat was steel grey, while my mane was a platinum blonde. My eyes, however, were the same blue as they were before, and freakishly large like the other ponies I'd seen.

Height wise, I was about the same size as Wisp, give or take an inch. My horn,was long, and looked like its point was sharp enough to penetrate steel. All in all, I thought I looked pretty good.

"Alright, now, take off your pants."

Wait, what?

Chapter 4: Murphy's Law

Chapter 4: Murphy's Law

"Twilight, please come out," Wasp pleaded, banging on the door to her suite. He assumed that Twilight had teleported here after blowing her top a few minutes ago. The light sound of hoofsteps inside the suite all but confirmed her presence. "Please, Twilight. I... I just want to apologize. I didn't realize that what I had done was wrong."

He was being honest. Never before had a changeling asked for permission to feed. It had been seen as unnecessary and potentially dangerous. Despite their happy-go-lucky disposition, panicking ponies can be dangerous to anything they deem a threat, and herd mentality was strong in their species.

"Twilight, what's done is done, and there is no way I can make this up to you, but we still need to work together. So please, could you just open the door and talk to me?"

Softly, almost imperceptibly, Wasp heard the clip-clop of hooves walking towards the door. The door swung open, but was caught on the chain lock. Twilight regarded the disguised changeling carefully, showing absolutely no emotion on her face. "I'm sorry too, I probably over reacted. You do have to eat, after all. But still, no more surprises like that."

"So... friends?" asked Wasp, smiling nervously.

"No, not quite, but-" Whatever Twilight was about to say was interrupted by high-pitched screams, followed by a loud crash coming from Princess Wisp's suite.

Ok folks, quick recap of recent events.

[1] Transported to a world of magical talking ponies? Check.

[2] Learn that my clients are parasitic bug-horses that feed off of love and happiness? Check.

[3] Learn that one of my clients feeds through casual sex? Check.

[4] Get transformed into a unicorn to better blend in? Check.

[5] Client that likes sex asked me to take off my pants? Check.

[6] Run around screaming like a prepubescent girl?

Oh, I haven't gotten to that last one yet? Well, long story short, I learned pretty quickly how to move as a pony.

"I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!"

"I am an adult, now get back here!" Wisp yelled, trying to grab hold of me. Unfortunately for her, I was a being slippery little bastard.

"Make me!" I shouted as I ran around the room. It was probably the worst thing I could've said, because she took it as a challenge. Unfortunately for me, the changeling Princess fights dirty. Her crooked horn glowed green, and I expected her to try and grab and hold me in place with magic. Oh no, I'm not that lucky. Instead, she grabbed an armoire and pulled it into my path. Unable to turn away in time, I ran head first into the wooden container, smashing the spiteful thing to pieces.

Apparently, a unicorn's skull is harder than I thought, as the hit merely dazed me. Still, it gave Wisp a chance to pounce. I was tackled, and held down with my chest (barrel?) on the floor. "Got you now!" she crowed triumphantly, planting her rump firmly in between my shoulders.

"Uh, what's going on here? Where's James?" Recognizing the voice of a certain purple unicorn, my eyes darted over to the door, where the voice originated from, and rested on Wasp and Twilight's shocked faces. "Sh... should we come back later?"

"NO! Don't go! Save me!"

Judging by how much her eyes widened, Twilight was not expecting this at all. "James? Is that you? What's going on? Why are you a unicorn? Wait, scratch that, HOW are you a unicorn? And what's with all the noise?"

"Ah he he he," I managed to squeak out. I was still a tad dazed from hitting the armoire of DOOM, so I didn't have an answer immediately. Luckily (or unluckily), Wisp had my back here.

"We were trying out his disguise when SOMEPONY completely freaked out when I wanted to see what his Cutie Mark was."

I could almost hear the needle scratch on a record player. "Wait, Cutie what?" I asked, struggling in vain to shove the Princess off my back. I swear to god, she took root. "What the hell is that?" I could see a lightbulb go off in Twilight's head as she switched seamlessly into lecture mode.

"A Cutie Mark is the mark on a pony's flank that denotes their special talent," she explained, turning so that the starburst on her rump was visible. "It magically appears whenever a pony discovers their talent, and can range from simple to abstract."

Well, that explained one mystery at least. "So... the reason you wanted my pants off was to see what my... Cutie Mark is?" Masculinity eroding... eroding... eroding... GONE!

"That's right!" Wisp beamed as she finally got off my back.

"So... no funny business?" I asked as I stood up and faced my attacker.

"Not on the first date," she replied, wiggling her eyebrows as she flashed me a toothy grin. It's official, she's flirting with me. Thing is, and this might be the new body talking, she's actually kinda cute. Oh god, this went someplace creepy. "But right now, I just want to see your Cutie Mark. Besides, even when wearing clothes, most ponies don't wear pants, so you'll still stick out like a sore hoof."

That actually hurt my pride a bit. Back in the Marines, I did a lot of field work for ONI, mostly counter-intelligence work. Hell, I even prevented a major bombing attempt on the Al Basrah oil terminal, but that's a story for another time. Right now, though, I was recalling one of my first lessons when I started working with ONI. Blend in. Follow the local customs, eat the local food, wear the local clothing; and I was damned good at it, too. Hell, after a few months in Iraq my commander told me that he could swear that I was born there.

This time around should've been easier. Thanks to magic, I looked like a local, and I didn't have to learn a new language this time (sidenote: Arabic's hard). All I have to do to blend in completely is take off my pants. Sighing in defeat, I reached down to undo the buttons...

... Only to fall face first on the floor again. I had forgotten the important fact that I was now a quadruped, which resulted in a very compromising position for me. "Little help, please?" My dignity was further damaged when my audience of three began snickering at my expense.

Wisp's horn glowed, and she delicately undid the buttons on my pants' waistband, and gingerly slid them down. Stepping out of my trousers, I turned my head to see the... mark (I am not using that feminine moniker), and couldn't help but grin. It was the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor; also known as the Marine Corp seal.

"Huh," Twilight commented. "I've never seen a Cutie Mark like that. I wonder what it means."

"It means a lot of things, Twi'." I could ramble on and on about the history of the Marine corp, from Tripoli to Baghdad, but there were a few more pressing concerns. "So, about this transformation amulet. Am I stuck like this for two hours?"

"Oh heavens no," answered Wisp. "To turn back at any time, you only have to tap the amulet again."

"There is a downside, though," Wasp interjected. "If you ever lose the amulet while transformed, you'll be stuck in that form."

What? WHAT? I did not sign up for this! I was expecting a convenient disguise, not the potential to lose out on being human for good!

"Wasp," Wisp said venomously. "You fell asleep in enchantment class. If you hadn't, you'd know that he'd only be stuck as a unicorn until either he puts the amulet back on, or the amulet is destroyed."

Oh, well, that didn't seem so bad. Good thing at least one of my clients knows what they're doing. With that settled, I decided to change the subject "Alright then, do we need to come up with a plan? How are we going to get to Canterlot anyways?"

"We have two options available to us," Wisp said as her horn glowed again and she opened the drawer on the desk. A rolled up map levitated out and landed on the floor in front of me. It unrolled as everypony crowded around me. See, I'm a good counter-intelligence officer. I'd already picked up on the local terminology.

The map showed me plenty. Canterlot was smack dab in the center, while we were in the very south. An arrow pointed further south and labelled "to the Badlands, and beyond to Zebraria". What appeared to be rail lines were marked as well, but Land's End was not connected directly to Canterlot.

"So, we take the train to Appleloosa," I said, tracing the line with my hoof until I reached said town, which was a little east of due north. "Then we switch trains there and go to Canterlot? Seems simple enough."

"That's one idea," said Wasp. "I believe our best course of action is to walk. We'd cross the desert, stopping at these points." Those points seemed to make an arc from just east of Land's End all the way north to the end of the desert, through canyon lands, and into the plains of Equestria. "Those are ancient changeling way stations from back before the railroads were built this far south. They lead from the Hive all the way into the high plains of Equestria, will have plenty of water and adequate shelter, and almost nopony knows about them these days. Our mother transfered these points from an ancient map in the Hive Archives."

I just shook my head. "Needlessly complicated. We need to keep this simple. Taking the train will be faster and much easier than crossing through the desert."

"Which is why everypony would be expecting it!" Wasp protested. "Any potential saboteur for this peace treaty will try to ambush us on the way to Canterlot. Going through the desert will be the last thing they'll expect."

"Again, needlessly complicated. I doubt anypony would try something on a crowded train, and even if they did, that's kinda why I was hired. Besides, those way stations may have water, but what about food? Twilight and I can't survive on emotions, after all!" That got his attention, and he knew I was right. I doubt that anyplace designed to house changelings would take into account the food needs of other species.

"... Fine, we'll take the damn train." I had a sneaking suspicion that this wouldn't be the last time Wasp and I butted heads.

Still, I took my victory graciously, and only allowed myself a smile. "Well, if that's settled, I think it's time I went to see the Sheriff." With that proclamation, I tapped my amulet twice and was once again wrapped in emerald fire. I was about to turn to walk out, when my new friends' stares gave me pause.

"Woah," breathed Twilight.

"I'll say," Wisp concurred.

It was then that I remembered that I forgot to put my pants back on.

Much awkwardness later, I was on my way to the Sheriff's office. Twilight assured me that the hotel room would be safe, that they had been there for weeks without incident. I had been lax when first entering, and hadn't seen the skylight as the big security risk that it was. After voicing this concern, though, Twilight reassured me that the entire room had enough defensive enchantments to repel a rampaging dragon for two hours. Still, I was worried. It's my job to worry.

As I entered the Sheriff's office, I noticed that the western theme continued. With the exception of the door labeled "coroner", the place could've been ripped right out of True Grit. Bronze Star was reclining behind a desk with his hat over his eyes, but he was stirred by a bell over the door.

"Glad ya could make it, son," he said. "Now, I've got a few questions fer ya. Ole' Fido's been causing trouble in town for a while now, so this is really just a formality. Name?"

"James Clark," I replied, taking note of the diamond dog's name. I suppressed the urge to laugh, but only just.

"Occupation?"

"Private Military Contractor."

"Ya mean a mercenary?"

"No." I had to remind myself to be polite here. I hope that what holds true on Earth would carry over to this world. Be polite to the police, and they're less likely to look for something you did wrong.

Bronze Star just shrugged, accepting my answer I hope. "Alright then, what can you tell me about this?" He pushed a paper on his desk across to me. I picked it up, and nearly dropped it after reading its contents.

Your task is a simple one, dog. Soon, a being will

arrive in Land's End that has never been seen in

Equestria.

Your task will be to slay this being by any means

necessary. Succeed, and your rewards will be

great. Fail, and you shall know torment until the

end of your miserable life.

The letter was not signed, and was lacking in many details, but I felt a chill run down my spine. "Absolutely nothing," I lied. I didn't want to draw attention to my clients. "Mind if I have that?"

"Why?"

"I've got a colleague in Manehattan I'd like to show this to." I was lying my ass off. Manehattan was just a dot on a map and a coincidence to me, and I hoped to be nowhere near there anytime soon. "He analyzes documents for a living. He might be able to find out more." Another thing I learned working with the Office of Naval Intelligence. If you have to lie, lie in detail.

"That so? What's his name?" Ok, Bronze Star was definitely smarter than I gave him credit for.

"Fine Print," God, I hope this is an acceptable name here.

"Fine Print? I went to high school with him. How's he doing?"

Oh, you have got to be shitting me! Not only was Fine Print a real pony, but Bronze Star knew him. Have to think fast. "Eh, same old same old." I put on my best poker face, despite how much I was panicking.

"Well any friend of Fine's is a friend of mine," he said with a toothy grin as he slid the. "Sure you can take it. Just tell him to mail his findings back here."

"Thank you sir." With that, I grabbed the letter, turned, and walked out of the office as quickly as possible without drawing attention. As soon as I left the building's line of sight, I released a breath I did not know I was holding. As it turned out, I stopped in front of the general store. My luck appeared to be holding out. I needed a new knife anyways.

"Change of plans, everypony," I said as I reentered the suite and dropped a few bags by the door. While buying a new knife, I had been struck with inspiration. I spent most of my money, but it would be worth it in the end if everything went pear shaped. I noticed that the map was still rolled out. This was good, as I needed to double check something.

"We taking the desert route?" Wasp asked with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I hope not, but it's not completely off the table," I replied. "I just need to check something on the map real quick." I approached the map and kneel'd down, studying its details closely. I followed the train tracks with my finger as they meandered around the desert until they passed through what appeared to be canyon lands, and very close to one of the way stations. "These way stations have water, you said? Are you sure"

"Positive," replied Wasp with complete confidence. "I scouted them out myself a month ago. They're natural springs fed by the Ilnhar Htat."

I raised an eyebrow upon hearing the strange word. "What the hell is that?"

"It's the changeling language," Wisp interjected. "Roughly translated, it means 'River Under'. It runs all the way from Equestria down to the Hive. Why do you ask?"

"It's my plan B," I said. "I hope we can simply take the train all the way. But, if we have to ditch, I've got enough trail mix to keep Twilight and I fed for a few weeks if we stretch it. So long as a water source is guaranteed, I won't feel too bad about it either."

"I'm confused," said Twilight. "You were so adamant about taking the train earlier. What's changed?"

I didn't respond. All I did was pull the letter out of my pocket and handed it over to Twilight. She picked it up and began reading, gasping as she did so. She passed it along to Wisp, and she paled. That was a feat, considering her skin (shell?) was black.

"That was found on the dog that tried to knife me. Needless to say, it threw a wrench in our plan."

We sat there in silence for a moment. None of my wards were sure what exactly to say, but I could tell they were worried as hell. Still, they took it well enough. Even Twilight, who didn't even shiver. She may be a stranger to seeing death, but she handled being in danger of life and limb like a pro.

After what seemed like hours, Twilight broke the silence. "So... what do we do?"

"We continue the original plan, but with a few modifications," I said. "We get on the train and hope for the best. If we're attacked, we either hold them off or ditch the train, depending on how large the opposition is. If we ditch, it'll be best to do so here." I tapped my finger at where the rail road passed close to a way station. "Any of you got experience navigating?" To my surprise, all three raised a hoof. Finally, some good news for a change.

"Ok, there's just one last order of business. Twilight, how hard is it to learn telekinesis?" I asked, turning my head to look at her directly.

"Well," she began, carefully. "It took me a few days to get it right, but I was self taught and still a filly at the time. Maybe a few hours with a good tutor. Why?"

I tapped my amulet, and green fire enveloped me once again. "If I'm going to blend in as a unicorn," I began as the transformation process ended, "I'm going to need a crash course."

It was a little before 10:00 pm, almost closing time at the train station. Cirrus Breeze, the mare behind the ticket counter, was watching the clock with rapt attention. She hadn't sold a single ticket in hours, and she wished she could just close down a few minutes early. Sadly, her boss was a stickler for regulations, and she would be in a lot of trouble if he found out.

Sighing, the silver pegasus just had to suck it up and wait out the clock. She'd be home in her nice, soft bed soon enough. If only there was somepony else she could share it with. A smile crept upon her lips as she began to imagine-

"Excuse me," a masculine voice said, shaking her from her daydream. She turned to see who had so rudely interrupted her, only to come face to face with a tall, grey, blonde-maned unicorn who was wearing a platinum amulet. "This is the ticket booth, correct?"

"Uh..." Cirrus just stared for a moment before shaking her head to regain her senses. "Yes sir. What can I do for you?"

"I need four tickets for the first train to Appleloosa tomorrow. Preferably somewhere near the back."

Cirrus took a moment to consult the train schedule and ticket availability. "The first train leaves at 8:00 am. There are no assigned seats, so just sit wherever you like. That'll be forty bits total."

The unicorn swiftly levitated a bit bag up and poured out some of the contents. Quickly counting them, he was satisfied and pushed the small pile of coins towards Cirrus, who scooped them up and placed four tickets on the counter with practiced ease. "Thank you kindly, ma'am."

"Not a problem, sir. Have a good night!" With their business done, the stallion grabbed the tickets and trotted off, but not before Cirrus got a good look at his flank, strange Cutie Mark and all.

"Well, that was easier than I thought," I said, trotting back into the suite.

"You sure you weren't followed?" asked Wasp. God, he can be such a worry wart.

"Yeah, I didn't see anypony tailing me, and I went off in four different directions. Trust me, I used to do this for a living."

He seemed to relax a little bit, but there wasn't that much to worry about. Any assassins were looking for a human, not a boring-old unicorn. Honestly, the hardest part of this whole operation was walking outside naked. Hell, even telekinesis was easy. Twilight was one hell of a teacher.

"I'm honestly surprised that you learned basic telekinesis so easily," said Twilight. "I mean, from what little you've told me during your lesson, magic doesn't exist in your world."

"True, but we know of it," I replied. It honestly wasn't that hard. All I had to do was imagine picking something up and put a little power behind it. The power aspect was a little harder for me to wrap my head around, and so it still took all day to get it right without sending whatever I picked up through a wall. I didn't have the same fine control as I did with a real hand, but I'd at least pass as a real unicorn unless I tried something more complex.

From the look on Twilight's face, I had a hunch that she was forming a few complex theories on why Earth doesn't have magic but still knows about it. She's like that, one minute she'll be focused on one thing, and the next she's off on a tangent. Hell, I had a theory of my own, but it's nothing solid (it's aliens).

A yawn crept up on me, and that's when I realized just how long I'd been going. It was nearly nightfall when I left my world, and I arrived here sometime in the middle of the morning. I have no idea how long I was unconscious, but it was getting late. Plus, the magic lessons took a lot out of me. Unicorns must have a ridiculously high caloric intake to keep going. Fortunately, Wasp seemed to have read my mind.

'Yeah, it's getting late," he said. "Plus, we have a long day ahead of us, even if it's just riding on a train. Where're you sleeping tonight, James?"

... FUCK! I knew I was forgetting something. Problem was, after buying all those supplies earlier, plus the tickets, I was running dangerously low on money. I doubt that this hotel had a room available in my price range. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, however, Wisp came to my rescue.

"He can stay in here with me tonight," she offered.

I wanted to protest. Really, I did. After the way she'd been acting around me, I dreaded staying in the same room with the succubus. Problem is, I never got the chance.

"Sounds good," Wasp said, turning on his hooves and trotting out the door. Twilight said her goodnight as well and soon followed, leaving me and Wisp alone. I had a feeling that this would not end well for me.

"Relax," she said sweetly. "No funny business. I promise."

Or maybe I was just being paranoid. "...Okay then." She practically pulled me towards the bed. Despite her promise, I still had a bad feeling about this.

"So, are you going to change back before bed, or are you gonna sleep like that?" she asked.

I thought about that for a moment, before slipping my amulet off. The trip to Canterlot wouldl take at least two days, and in all likelihood I'd be stuck as a unicorn the entire time. Might as well get used to it. "Remember, no funny business."

"I'll keep my hooves on my side of the bed," she said sincerely as she magic'd the covers back. I grunted, and climbed up onto the left side of the bed. Oh god, I was right, this bed was comfortable as fuck. Not the best choice of words considering the circumstances, but I'm not taking it back.

I didn't even feel Wisp climb into bed. I was out like a light the moment my head hit the pillows.

The next morning, I was in for a surprise. I woke up from what had to be the most restful night I had had in years, when I felt something warm on the back of my furry neck. Apparently, my roommate didn't keep her promise too well, which was confirmed by the feeling of holey-hooves wrapped around my midsection. Ah well, no harm done. That is, until Wasp decided to barge in.

"Wisp, James, it's time to..." His eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he saw us in such a... compromising position. I was about to say that it wasn't what it looked like, but I wasn't fast enough. "I'll, uh... just come back later," he said while slowly backing out of the room.

Man, barely awake, and Murphy's already having a field day with me.

Chapter 5: Finagle's Law

Chapter 5: Finagle's Law

"I can't believe you two."

"It wasn't what it looked like, I swear!"

"Yeah, sure it wasn't. I know my sister too well to fall for that."

After Wasp walked in on Wisp and I that morning, there was a silent agreement to never speak of that again. Unfortunately, such an agreement was not fated to last through two boring hours on the train. There was no bad blood between us. I was just bored and he needed to vent.

What's worse, I felt exposed. The train car was empty, and I was disguised as a unicorn, but I still wore my full suit of body armor. I went from the hotel to the train with only my vest and duster, but slipped my pants on after boarding. I wasn't comfortable using my weapons with telekinesis, and even more uncomfortable fighting without pants.

Twilight was no help mediating our argument. She had buried herself in a book the moment we took our seats in the last train car, and was making a pointed effort to ignore us. Hell, I wasn't really gonna complain. I just wish she'd brought something not written in Magic Script, or "wingdings" as I like to call it. She slapped me with a book when I commented on that.

Wisp, on the other hand, seemed to be doing her best to antagonize her brother. Every time our argument would draw to a close, she'd imply something that we might have done last night to lead him on. For the record, nothing happened. I slept the whole night through.

Our faux-argument lasted an hour, before being rudely interrupted when Twilight forcefully closed her book and slammed it onto the table. "Alright, I need answers, and I need them now!" she said, almost yelling at us.

"I plead the Fifth," I replied. It was instinctual. I doubt they had a Fifth Amendment.

"The what?" asked Twilight, confirming my suspicions. It only threw her off for a moment, however. She shook her head before continuing. "Nevermind. I need to know how that amulet works! A two hour time limit unless it's not being worn? That goes against everything I've read in 'Quickspell's Guide to Alteration and Transformation'!"

"Twilight," Wisp responded flatly. "Quickspell was a brilliant sorcerer, true, but he fell into the same trap as most great magicians before him." She paused and looked around the car, most likely checking that we were still alone. "Changeling and unicorn magic are completely different. It's like comparing apples to oranges."

Stunned, Twilight could only blink. "So, you're saying that Quickspell was wrong?"

"Oh, no no no no," replied Wisp. "I'm just saying he didn't take everything into account. Can't really blame him. Back then, changelings were practically unheard of."

"Girls, could you please keep it down?" I pleaded quietly. "I don't want anyone overhearing you talk openly about changelings. It could lead to trouble for us."

"Sorry," they both muttered.

I'll admit, I was getting antsy, and was probably being too cautious. Taking the train was probably a bad call on my part. It didn't help that I was under equipped for this job. All I had was a pair of handguns, when I could really use a semi-auto rifle or, even better, a shotgun.

Ah well, at least I had a new knife, though "knife" was an understatement. At twelve inches long, the single-edged, clip-pointed blade was almost a sword. Apparently, it's a standard-issue fighting knife for griffon soldiers, and I can believe it. Its sheath attached easily enough to my belt, and I could draw it smoothly both manually and telekinetically.

"So..." I began, "you were talking about different types of magic?" Hey, it was a neat subject. I just wanted them to keep it on the down low.

"Oh yes," said Wisp, instantly picking up on what I was saying. "The magic used to enchant James' amulet is, well, different from what most unicorns use, follows its own rules, and frankly considered kinda weird even by its own practitioners."

Twilight looked like a kid in a candy store. She was definitely an egghead, and Magic was her specialty. "Is it possible for me to learn this type of magic?"

"Possible, yes, but it would be very difficult," Wisp replied.

"Still," Wasp interjected, "that doesn't explain why that enchantment has a time limit. I may have fallen asleep in enchantment class, but even I know that time limits on transformation amulets are unnecessary.

Wisp began sweating, as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks. God, pony facial expressions are easy to read. "Alright, I'll come clean," she sighed in defeat. "You see, the transformation spell, kinda, er, messes with your mind."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked, narrowing my eyes threateningly.

"It messes with your mind, alright! There, I said it!"

You ever feel your eye twitch uncontrollably? Feels weird, doesn't it? "It WHAT?"

"Calm down calm down calm down!" she pleaded frantically. "It's really not as bad as it sounds."

"Explain." Needless to say, something screwing around with my brain did not sit well with me, and was doing nothing good for my blood pressure. The fact that I was CURRENTLY TRANSFORMED did not help my mental state either. Too bad that wasn't a figure of speech.

"Ok then, bear with me before you decide to shoot me, please," she said. I nodded, but mentally was making no promises. "You see, yes, it does some rearranging of your gray matter. This allows you to have an easier time moving around, and imparts natural body language. Now, there are some theoretical risks involved, but every single test subject, and there have been thousands, has shown almost zero repercussions for remaining transformed, and the ones that did were extreme cases."

I raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "Whadya mean, 'extreme cases'."

"The extreme cases remained in a transformed for months at a time before any negative effects even began to show up, and those were always negligible," she replied.

I felt most of my anger melt away, but there was one loose thread. "And... the time limit?"

"A safety precaution, nothing more," she said. "I could've made it a permanent enchantment, but I felt that, with your... unique biology, I should play it safe with a short time limit."

"So..." I began, "I don't have to worry too much about staying in a transformed state so long as I change back regularly."

Wisp nodded enthusiastically. "It helps that you transform into a sentient being. If it were, say, a chicken or shadowclaw you transformed into, then there might be more problems."

There was one word I didn't fully understand in that sentence. "What the hell is a 'shadowclaw'?"

"Big, mean, nasty, desert predator," Wasp supplied. "Imagine the bastard child of a gorilla and a crocodile, scale it up to the size of a small elephant, and add claws that can shred through six inches of steel as if it were nothing."

After hearing that synopsis, I felt the color drain out of my coat. With predators like that roaming around, how the hell did pastel-colored ponies become the dominant species?

"That's not the worst part," added Twilight. "Older shadowclaws can use magic to turn invisible for brief periods. Unless you can sense magic, you won't even know they're there until they pounce." At this point, I was wishing that I'd worn brown pants.

Thankfully, a series of loud thumping noises coming from the roof distracted me. I tapped my amulet twice, and drew Black Betty from her holster once the transformation process was finished. I motioned for my charges to get down, which they followed with zero hesitation. I quietly stalked forward, approaching the door to the next car carefully.

Reaching the door, I stole a glance through the window. In between the cars was six feet of open space, with a platform on the end of each car and a one foot gap in between. Standing in this space was a pair of griffon warriors, decked in scale-mail and carrying large halberds.

My mind began analyzing possible scenarios, none of which were good. My fears were confirmed after a portly stallion exited the back of the next car. I can't read lips worth a damn, but it appeared that he was asking what the hell was going on. That's when I was alerted to the presence of a third griffon. The bird-lion swooped down quickly and skewered the poor bastard, pinning the stallion to the next car.

I took that as my cue. I barreled through the door, and aimed Black Betty at the culprit. The murderer didn't even see me as I pulled the trigger. With a loud *crack-BOOM*, Betty launched her half-inch projectile. I don't want to say that the griffon's head exploded, but it sure looked like it did. The bullet continued its deadly path into the next train car, and I hoped that nopony was in its way.

The other two griffons gave a fearful squawk and took off. I allowed myself a smug grin... until I heard glass breaking in my train car. Cursing to myself, I retreated into my car to see a pair of griffons trying to squeeze in through the windows. I say "trying", because the windows were a little too small, and they appeared to be stuck. Not wanting to waste more of my .500 S&W ammo, I holstered Betty, drew my knife and charged. One griffon managed to get a talon through by the time I reached it. I sidestepped a swipe from its claw before jamming my knife through its neck.

With my foe dispatched, I turned to check on Twilight and the changelings before moving on to the next. Apparently, Twilight managed to raise a purple shield, keeping the three of them safe. At least that mare has a good head on her shoulders. I turned back to kill the remaining griffon, only to find that it had abandoned its attempt to squeeze through the window, and was flying off into the distance.

This time, I didn't relax. I'd almost been caught flat footed once during this engagement and was not about to make the same mistake twice. Good thing, too, as I heard what sounded like an axe chopping through the metal roof. Looking around, I found an axehead piercing the roof near the middle of the car. Drawing Betty once again, I moved underneath the hole they were cutting, and waited. They appeared to be cutting a standard square hole big enough for a griffon to drop through.

As the griffons continued chopping, I swept my vision over the other entrances, lest they swing around and flank me. It took nearly two minutes to cut three sides of a square. When the third side was finished, the axehead slipped in and levered the newly-made lid up enough for a griffon to grasp it.

The lid was peeled back, allowing sunlight to hit my face. It was soon blocked by the head of a griffon. Not for long, though, as I shot it in the head as well. I didn't have time to celebrate, as I was tackled moments later. Clever girl. I was too focused on the roof, and the griffon used that as a distraction. Must've flown through the already opened door while I took out its flockmate (is that the right term?)

Either way, I'd been had. The griffon slammed me face first into the floor, and pressed its surprisingly prodigious weight down on me. I couldn't move, and knew I was good as dead, until a lime-green bolt of magic hit the griffon and knocked it all the way to the back door of the car.

I flipped over and saw that Twilight had dropped her shield, revealing Wisp in her changeling form and visibly pissed. Her silvery, gossamer mane floated as if it were underwater and her eyes glowed white as a bright green aura wrapped around her sharp horn.

Wasp's wings buzzed as he flew over me to check on the griffon that his sister took care of, and hopefully to cover the back door. Twilight, it seemed, had shifted her focus and now had a shield over the new skylight and keeping anymore griffons from coming in that way. With those two avenues of approach covered, I turned my attention to the front door...

"Oh you son of a-" A griffon had landed in between the cars, this one wearing more ornate, plate-mail armor. I took this to mean that it was the leader. It was not charging blindly. Instead, it pulled a lever and decoupled our car with the rest of the train. I raised Betty again and fired. This time the bullet impacted the griffon's breastplate and punched a hole clean through. I must've gotten a lung, as it collapsed immediately and began wheezing.

Still, the damage was done, and the rest of the train was slowly but steadily pulling away. We may have survived, but the opposition definitely won. My only question was why? Why would griffons attack us? Were they bandits and we just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? I doubted that, as their armor looked to be too high quality for bandits.

I ran out the door to see if there were more griffons to be worried about. Fortunately, the only ones I saw were flying away. I still kept my guard up, knowing that some could've stayed hidden on the roof of the train, and with no ladder nearby I couldn't easily check.

A loud screeching noise reached my ears. It sounded like someone had put the brakes on the car. It took six minutes before the car stopped. I waited patiently for a full minute, but nothing else happened. It looked like the griffons just left us for dead in the middle of the desert. Fortunately for us, I prepared for such an eventuality.

"Well," I began, "it looks like we're hoofing it from here on out." I turned around to face my wards, only to recieve shocked looks from Twilight and Wisp. "What?" I asked.

Wisp silently pointed a hoof towards me. Specifically, towards my right side. Curious, I reached down with my hand, and felt something wet and tacky. I looked down and saw that I was bleeding. Damn bird must've tagged me after blindsiding me. With all the adrenaline running through my system, I guess I just didn't notice it. "Ah fuck."

"Gah!"

"Oh, quit complaining," admonished Wisp as she finished dousing my wound with vodka. I might not've felt the wound, but the patch job hurt like a son of a bitch.

"At least use the cheap booze, for christ's sake!"

She just chuckled at my predicament as she levitated a needle and thread. "You're lucky I have some medical training. I'd hate to see Wasp try and stitch you up."

"You just wanted an excuse to feel me up, didn't you?" I joked.

"Well, yeah, but I didn't think that needed to be said." Ooh, this girl's got some fight in her.

Still, I have to admit, her needlework was impressive. I didn't feel anything except some mild pressure as she closed my wound. I've had worse patch jobs from Corpsmen, as evidenced by a few scars here and there on my chest.

"What happened here?" she asked, pointing to one round scar near my heart.

"Sniper tagged me from two hundred meters out," I said. "Half an inch either way and I would've been toast,"

She gave me an impressed whistle. "That's luck," she said. "I don't know whether it's good or bad luck, but it's definitely luck." A few moments later, the wound was closed and she inspected it, all while wearing a pleased smile on her face. "There we go." With that said, she made a noise like someone hocking a monstrous loogie. Turns out, that's exactly what she did, right on my newly stitched wound.

"What the fuck!" This was definitely a nine on my grossometer.

"That's to keep the wound airtight," she explained. "Trust me, it's completely sterile. It'll harden in a few second and it'll do a better job covering that cut than bandages."

Sure enough, not a moment after she finished her explanation, the goop was hard as a rock. I guessed that it was a normal part of changeling medical practices. Still disgusting, but I'd manage.

"Alright then," I exclaimed as I stood up. "Is that inventory I ordered done?"

"Yes sir," Wasp answered, even though I didn't order him to take inventory. "Twilight's double checking, but she said that it looks like we have everything we need for a trip across the desert. Water might be a problem until we reach the first way station, but afterwards we'll be in the clear."

"Good, good. What about what I asked you to do? Those griffons have any identifying marks on them?"

"About that..." Ok, I could tell that this wasn't gonna be good. "Their armor matches what the Sikskysher use."

I blinked. "Translation please?"

Wisp piped in her two cents. "Officially, the Sikskysher are bandits. They rape, pillage, and murder anyone they set their eyes on."

I'm hearing a but in there. "Unofficially?"

"It's just a rumor, but some say that they're funded out of the Griffon King's own pocket."

Great, State-sponsored terrorists. As if this job wasn't complicated enough I get this giant 'fuck you'. Still, it only added further questions. How did they know we'd be on the train? Why would the griffons want to waylay a peace treaty? Hell, that's even assuming these bandits were ordered to attack us specifically. We might've just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My thoughts were interrupted when Twilight came trotting up. "I've double checked our supplies, and we should be fine, barring any more unforeseen complications," she informed me. "I even took the liberty of dividing everything out. We're ready to leave at any time."

I gotta admit, Twilight has a good head on her shoulders. "Good. Everyone relax. We're gonna wait a few hours and let the sun come down a bit before heading out."

"Do you have a plan?" asked Twilight.

"Yes," I replied. "We only travel in the early morning and late afternoon, and we keep in the shade during the hottest part of the day. Don't bother rationing your water. Many people have died of dehydration with their canteens still half full."

"That's gotta be embarrassing," said Wasp. I honestly had to agree with him.

"You do know where we're going, right?" I asked him as I began putting my clothes back on.

He levitated a map over and rolled it out on the floor. His horn glowed once again and he appeared to be staring off in space for a moment, before placing a holey hoof on the map next to the train tracks. "We're about right here," he said. I was never the best at land nav, but I had to agree with his assessment. "The closest way station is about five miles to the east of us. It should only take a couple hours to reach it."

"What're we looking for there?"

"Nothing fancy," he said. "Just an oasis with three date palms and a ruined building. These way stations have been abandoned ever since the railroad was built and Land's End was settled. Easier to just take the train north than crossing the desert on hoof."

I paused a moment to soak this information in. We had a solid plan of attack, but there are still a bunch of unknowns. Murphy will definitely have plenty of chances to fuck with us in the future.

It was a little after four in the afternoon when we headed out, loaded down like a bunch of pack mules. I had changed into "unicorn mode" as I began calling it, as I suspected that I'd be faster that way. I was worried at first that the fur coat plus body armor plus leather jacket would be unbearably hot, but Twilight had a solution for me.

During our downtime, she had managed to enchant my outfit to keep me relatively comfortable no matter what the weather was like. It was still hot as balls out, but I wasn't boiling under all my layers. God, I wish we'd had her in Iraq. She would've made things so much easier for us grunts.

We set off at a gallop. Our first stop was a ways away, and I doubted we'd make it until after nightfall, even running at full speed. Still, despite the giant setback, I was feeling confident. While we have been sidetracked, we still have a very good shot at successfully reaching Canterlot.

And, of course, now that I've said that, Murphy and Finagle are gonna tag-team my ass all the way there.

Chapter 6: Stories

Chapter 6: Stories

The sun was going down when we finally sighted the oasis. I was completely exhausted, both from the fight on the train and having practically run for two hours straight, only taking a few minutes for a water break here and there, and even then we'd continue on at a trot at the least. Looking behind me, I saw that my friends weren't faring much better. Still, the sight of the oasis spurred us on.

It took us twenty minutes to reach the oasis, and when we did I just collapsed right next to the water. I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up again. God, I felt like such a wimp. The next thing I felt was something warm rubbing up against my flank. I knew it was a bad idea, but I still had to look. I turned my head and saw Wisp using my backside as a pillow, her head resting just behind my saddlebags and right over my cutie mark. I seriously have to find a less girly name for that.

"Hey, get up."

"Dun wanna" she mumbled tiredly. Frankly, I was too tired to do anything about it. I decided to just let her play grab-ass for now. Besides, I'd long since figured out that she's just messing with me. The only way to get a troll to stop is to not let them get to you.

"Have you two no shame?" Then again, the troll's brother was a completely different story.

"Bite me," I retorted oh so eloquently.

He just snorted and picked his sister up. Even without her weight holding me down, I did not want to get up. I just laid there for a few minutes, alone with my thoughts. I didn't get back on my hooves for an entire ten minutes, and the sun was well below the horizon when I did. I turned around, and saw the glow of a campfire in one of the ruined buildings. Tiredly, I trotted up to where the group had set up shop and slid my saddlebags off.

Once I was sure they were a reasonable distance from the fire (which, strangely, had no wood fueling it), I rooted around in my bags until I found my amulet. I slipped it on, and immediately changed back into a human. Being a pony' was an interesting experience, but I much prefer the familiarity of my own body.

"Gonna get cold tonight," Wasp commented.

"Yeah yeah, this isn't my first time in the desert," I replied as I sidled up closer to the flames. "At least here I don't have to worry about IEDs or constantly getting shot at."

"IEDs?"

I facepalmed. Of course they wouldn't know that term. It's not like on Earth where you can hear about IEDs within five minutes of putting the news on. "Improvised Explosive Device," I explained. "Damned common during the War, and a pain in the ass."

"Oh my," breathed Twilight.

"Yeah, let me tell ya, Iraq was not fun. Well... usually." I began to chuckle to myself, remembering a funny story. "There was this one time in Baghdad, my buddy Keith and I were off duty so we took a walk through the Green Zone, probably the safest part of the city. We find this nice little hole-in-the-wall Indian restaurant, and decided to grab a bite for lunch. While there, he bets me a hundred bucks that he could eat a bhut jolakia pepper without crying." That drew a few confused looks. "Ok, for reference, a jalapeño averages around 5000 on the Scoville heat scale. Bhut jolakias average around 1,000,000."

Their jaws dropped as soon as I told them how hot that pepper was. "Yeah. Anyways, he pops one chile in his mouth, and he's perfectly fine... for about five seconds. Poor guy hollered like his entire head was on fire." My audience began laughing, although Twilight was doing a poor job

"Didn't you help him?"

"Couldn't," I replied. "I was too busy laughing my ass off." She looked like she was about to chastise me, but I waved it off before she could get a word out. "Hey, he'd have done the same to me."

"So that's that?" asked Wasp.

I just began laughing. "Oh no, it wasn't even close to being over. We got back to base and went our separate ways. A few hours later, we hear this wailing coming from the latrines. Sounded like someone torturing a herd of kittens. I went to investigate, and saw Keith tumble out of a port-a-john and collapse, panting as if he just sprinted a mile." I began chuckling to myself at that mental image. "As I stood over him, he looked up at me and whispered 'It hurts more going out'."

Even Twilight fell over laughing at that. Something tells me that, despite her bookishness, she is no stranger to schadenfreude, especially when it comes to her friends.

With the levity out of the way, it was time to get down to business. "Alright, we need to set up a watch rotation. How good's everyone's night vision?"

"Pretty good," said Wisp. "Changelings spend most of their lives away from Equestria in poorly lit underground hives. We can see a few miles away with moonlight, and about half a mile with just starlight."

"Mine's nowhere near that good," Twilight said.

I nodded, expecting as much from Twilight, but the changelings' excellent night vision made my task so much easier. "Alright then, simple enough. We each have a three hour shift. I'll take first watch, followed by Wasp, then Wisp, and Twilight will take the dawn watch. If you suspect that something's approaching us, wake me up. I'll decide if we are in trouble."

"What if we're attacked during our watch?" asked Twilight.

"Then holler at the top of your lungs and try and fight back. I'm a light sleeper so you won't be fighting alone."

Wisp and Wasp seemed to be taking this whole situation in stride, but Twilight seemed a bit antsy. "Hey, relax. I doubt that we'll actually come under attack. It's just a worst case scenario."

"You sure?" she asked, a bit of her anxiousness dissipating.

"Positive," I replied. "I'm actually more worried about wildlife than anything else."

"Well... if you say so." She gave me a tentative smile.

"I do. Now, let's get some food and some shuteye. Tomorrow's gonna be the first of many long days to come."

We broke camp just before sunrise. The night passed uneventfully, allowing all of us to get a decent night's sleep. Well, most of us. It wouldn't have been so bad if not for a certain nymph deciding to be a cuddle bug all night long. I swear, first thing I'm gonna do when we reach civilization is buy Wisp a teddy bear.

Ah well, so what if I was operating with less than four hours of sleep. I've done worse. Hell, in Iraq, I've had to go days at a time with barely any sleep at all. At least this time it wasn't because of mortar rounds landing nearby.

Seeing as we weren't in a hurry this time, I decided to skip transforming all together and just march along. At first glance, I thought that Wasp and Wisp decided to do the same, but a closer look at their hooves revealed that they were camel-like instead of their normal, horse-like hooves. It made sense, seeing as we were stuck in a sandy desert.

Twilight, however, seemed to be having no trouble at all with the sandy terrain, despite the fact that her hooves weren't designed for this environment. I asked about it, only to receive a reply of "magic" and a shit-eating grin. Damn overpowered unicorns.

Our march continued in silence, save for Wisp who was humming a jaunty tune. It was pretty catchy, and soon we all were humming along. I was kinda wishing I had brought along a harmonica to play. Oh sure, I don't know how to play a harmonica, but It'd still been nice.

We decided to take our break a little after eleven, when the sun beating down started overpowering the enchantment on my gear. I broke out the portable shelter, which was not just a tarp and a few sticks thank you very much, and we all huddled underneath in the shade. Of course, this gave Wisp a perfect excuse to rub up against me. There wasn't much I could really do about it but grin and bear it.

The scenery hadn't changed much since yesterday. Nothing but sand dunes as far as the eye could see, with one lone exception. To the east, off in the distance, was a lone, pitch-black stone column jutting out of the landscape. It drew my attention, being the only thing of note worth looking at.

"What is that?"

"The Demon," Wasp replied.

Before I could ask what the hell he was talking about, Twilight practically shoved me aside to get a better look. "I didn't know the Demon was on our path! It's one of the greatest geological mysteries in Equestria! I've read so many books postulating how it came to be."

"That's all well and good, but what the hell is it?" I asked impatiently.

Twilight chuckled nervously to herself. "Sorry. Guess I kinda got a little excited," she said. "The Demon is an obsidian pillar located, well, right over there. It's named after an old desert legend. Wanna hear it?" Well, it's not like we have anything better to do, so I nod in ascent.

"Long ago, before the reign of Discord, there lived a great and powerful demon in an oasis out in the desert. This oasis had the coolest, tastiest water for miles around, and surrounding it were pomegranate trees bearing fruit the most delicious fruit one could taste.

"One day, near this oasis, a caravan was attacked by a band of marauders. The marauders killed everypony they could find, save one who was able to hide underneath a wagon. When the bandits finished their bloody deed, they looted all of the caravan's food and water and left the poor pony to die.

"Two days later, tired, hungry, and dying of thirst, that poor pony crawled into the demon's oasis. Luckily for him, the demon was away at the time, tending to its various affairs. The pony crawled over to the cool water and took a long sip. Far away, the demon jolted as if struck. 'Someone's drinking my water!' it exclaimed before taking flight" Wow, I gotta admit, Twi's a pretty good storyteller. Her voice even dropped a few octaves when she did the demon's voice.

"Before the demon could return, however, the pony took a bite of a pomegranate. Again the demon was alarmed and exclaimed 'someone's eating my pomegranates!'.

"When the demon returned to its oasis, it found the pony fast asleep, pomegranate juice still staining his muzzle. Enraged, the great demon reached out with its terrible claws to rend the pony limb from limb, but paused as it got an evil idea. Quietly cackling, the demon crept by the sleeping pony and went towards its forge.

"A few hours later, the pony awoke to the sound of metal striking metal. Curious as to what was making such a racket, the pony crept towards the forge, and saw the demon working furiously. 'Steal my water and pomegranates, will he?' the demon muttered. 'I'll show the thief what for.'

"Now, the pony ducked behind a crate and shook in terror. 'That demon is going to punish me for saving my own life,' he thought to himself, 'oh how unjust and cruel'.

"Soon, the demon's work was done and it roared in triumph. 'Yes! With this I will show teach that pony not to steal from me!' Then the demon turned and began rummaging in its tools. Curiosity getting the better of him, the pony crept up to see what cruel instrument the demon planned to use to torture him. On the anvil, the pony saw what appeared to be a simple, plain, ordinary nail.

"Now, the pony was not the smartest out there, but even he knew that whatever the demon had planned with that nail was no good. So, thinking quickly, he snatched up the newly forged nail and replaced it with another from a nearby bin. Hiding the nail under his tongue, the pony returned to where he had laid down and pretended to sleep.

"A few minutes later, the demon shook the pony violently. 'Wake up, little pony,' the demon growled. 'It is time to accept your punishment,'

"'Punishment?' asked the pony. 'What crime did I commit that requires punishment?'

"'Why, theft, my little pony,' the demon replied. 'You stole my pomegranates and water, and for that...' The Demon waved its claw in an arcane gesture and, in the blink of an eye, the oasis vanished, save for a large stone slab. 'Now I have sent the oasis away, ninety nine leagues to the west, where you may never reach it.'

"'Oh mighty Demon, how terribly cruel you are,' the pony whined.

"Bah, you have yet to see how cruel I truly am.' With that, the demon placed the nail where the pony's shadow touched the stone slab and hammered it in. 'That nail now binds you to this stone for all of eternity. From now until the end, you will remain trapped here, and your shadow must always fall upon the cursed nail, and any magic that you once had is forever lost to you.'

"'Mighty Demon, that is truly a most cruel punishment. A punishment only befitting one just as cruel.' The pony spit the true cursed nail out, and jammed it into the slab where the Demon's own shadow touched.

"The Demon raged and lashed out at the pony. It weaved its claws in arcane gestures, but the curse had already taken hold, and it was bereft of its magic. Taking this as an opportunity to flee the pony galloped as fast and as far as his hooves could carry him. He eventually stumbled across a trade caravan, and accompanied them back to civilization.

"As for the Demon, it had crafted the cursed nail too well. No matter what it tried, the nail would not budge. From across the land, other demons gathered to try their hand at freeing their brother. But, it was all for naught, as none could remove the nail. Fearing a similar fate, the demons cut their shadows off with enchanted silver blades, a method tried and failed with the trapped one.

“To this day, it is said that the Demon still haunts the deep desert, forever cursed to remain attached to a stone slab by its shadow."

We spent the next few hours swapping stories with one another. Most of my contributions were war stories, although I focused on the more pleasant events. Wisp and Wasp told stories of their childhood growing up in the Hive, most of which involved pranking one or the other.

Twilight's stories, on the other hand (hoof?), were focused on her life in Ponyville; more specifically her friends. Some of the shit they got into was really hard to believe. Like that one time they evicted a fucking dragon! Holy shit, man.

As a side note, I really want to meet this Pinkie Pie character. She sounds like a laugh a minute.

At around two in the afternoon, we broke camp. The heat was still unpleasant, but bearable. Besides, if we had waited any longer, we likely wouldn't have reached the next waystation before nightfall. Let me tell you, nights out in the desert are fucking cold. Hell, I'd probably be snuggling up to Wisp when I'm bedded down. Don't look at me like that. She's warm.

Our pace was much more leisurely than when we set out from the train. We weren't racing the sun this time. Thankfully, the waystations were set up so that simply walking would see us there before nightfall, even with our midday break.

So far, barring the train, our journey had yet to hit a snag. That, unfortunately, wouldn’t last long.

A few hours before sunset, we neared the second waystation, another oasis. In fact, all we had to do was climb over a dune and we’d be able to see it. Just before we began our climb, however, Twilight’s ear twitched.

“Wait,” she whispered. “I think I hear something.”

We stopped cold. I turn my eyes skyward, hoping to spot any airborne opponents before they get the drop on us. I couldn’t spot any, but there were plenty of clouds to hide behind.

“I hear it too,” Wisp said. Curse my human ears. The ponies definitely had that advantage over me. “It’s coming from the other side of the dune.”

Nodding, I signal my followers to stay low as we climb the dune. It was slow going. Sand is not an easy medium to climb. It took nearly ten minutes of slipping and sliding before any of us made it to the top. Carefully, I poked my head over the edge to make myself as hard to spot as possible. Thank god I didn’t pick up a dark colored hat.

“Damn,” I breathed. Surrounding the oasis was what looked like a small army encampment. Blue and white tents covered a lot of real estate, leaving only a small strip surrounding the shoreline. Figures of various sizes milled about here and there.

“This wasn’t here when I checked this route,” Wasp commented from beside me. “Griffons?”

I couldn’t tell. We were too far away for me to make out any details. Luckily, however, I came prepared. I slipped off my pack and pulled out a pair of binoculars. Looking through them, I was definitely not expecting what I saw.

There were indeed griffons in the camp, but they were in the clear minority. There were more ponies than anything else down there, both earth ponies and unicorns, with a smattering of pegasi here and there. Most wore blue silk barding decorated with silver rings, though a few wore nothing at all. The few griffons I spotted all wore chain mail armor and carried long halberds, though not in a threatening manner.

Along with ponies and griffons, a few swarthy, bull-headed minotaurs walked here and there. Most surprisingly, however, a handful of undisguised changelings fluttered amongst the camp, one of whom was having an animated conversation with a unicorn.

“Curious,” I commented, more to myself really.

"I'll say," someone I didn't recognize said. "I mean, seriously, two changeling royals, the Princess' personal student, and something I have never seen before all scoping out our campsite. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke." Startled, I rolled over to see the newcomer, reaching for my holdout weapon as well. A pale blue, rainbow-maned pegasus stallion hovered above us. Ok, there is no way that's not a dye job. I'd seen some ponies with interesting color combinations, but this one takes the cake.

More importantly, how the hell did this guy get the drop on me? He was wearing heavy plate armor for crying out loud. At least he wasn't armed... oh wait, the leading edges of his wings were covered by a very sharp blade. That's... actually kinda neat.

"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight asked. Did she recognize this guy or something?

The stallion just smirked. "Of course you'd know my little filly. I swear, she never tells anyone about me. It's like she's ashamed of me or something." The pegasus swooped down and landed right in front of us, still wearing that damn smirk. “Name's Rainbow Blitz,” he said, extending a hoof, which Twilight shook.

“Twilight Sparkle, though apparently you know that already. These are my associates; Princess Wisp, Prince Wasp, and James Clark; our bodyguard.”

Hand and hoof shakes were exchanged all around. Despite this guy's cocky attitude, he was actually pleasant company. At least he wasn't trying to kill us like those griffons.

“So where are you folks headed?” Blitz asked.

Twilight started to answer, but I butted in. “That's classified.”

“Aww, c'mon,” Blitz complained. “Show a little professional courtesy, one guard to another.”

“Aint happening. Not with Sikskysher after us.”

Rainbow Blitz blinked. “S-sikskysher? Are you sure?”

Wisp nodded. “Yeah, they ambushed us on our train and forced us to cross the desert on hoof.”

Blitz was definitely caught off guard. He was at a loss for words. Eventually, he managed to find his voice. “I need you to come with me. Elder Stonewall needs to hear about this.”

I wasn't going to argue. This Stonewall guy sounded like the guy in charge. Who knows, I might be able to milk a little information. Who knows, these people might be on our side. However, it wasn't a good idea to just wait to find out. Sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith.

Still, that didn't mean I wasn't keeping my hand near Black Betty just in case things go pear-shaped on us. This Blitz character seemed like he was on the level, and Twilight apparently knew his daughter, but it pays to be paranoid in my line of work. That's also why was careful to take a mental map on our route. It was painfully easy, though, since Blitz led us in a straight line towards the center of camp.

“So, who are all these people?” I asked as we walked down a row of tents. The few locals in our way quickly gave us room.

“Missionaries,” Blitz replied. “They belong to a group called the Circle of Elwydd.”

And of course, Twilight knew who these guys were. “The Circle of Elwydd? I thought they disbanded a thousand years ago.”

Blitz just shrugged. “Don't look at me. I'm just the hired help. Stonewall could talk your ears off about the group's history. All I know is that anyone who wants to join is welcome to, including changelings.”

We passed by a pair of changelings just as he said that. They politely bowed at Wisp and Wasp before continuing on their way. Through the binoculars they didn't seem that remarkable, but up close I could tell that they were radically different from my charges. Instead of manes, they had fins, and their eyes were more bug-like.

“Now I remember where I heard of the Circle from,” Wisp said. “You helped a few changelings flee Equestria after the failed invasion.”

“What?” Twilight asked incredulously as she shot an accusatory glare at Blitz. “The Circle helped fugitives escape from justice?”

“Of course not!” Blitz interjected angrily. “Not all changelings were part of the invasion. Many were just living normal lives and would've continued to do so. They just wanted to get out until the anti-changeling hysteria cooled down a bit. And before you even think about disparaging them, I will not tolerate it. I don't care if you're Dashie's friend or not.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but wisely shut it.

“You seem oddly invested in their well being,” I commented off-hand.

“My wife's a changeling.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. A unicorn going completely bugfuck is the funniest thing in the universe.

“What!?” Twilight exclaimed. I wanted to add my own question to hers, but I was too busy stifling my laughter. I wasn't the only one, either. Wisp and Wasp looked ready to join me.

For his part, though, Blitz just put on a smug grin. “That's right, my little Dashie, your friend, is technically half changeling.”

Twilight stared at him with wide-eyed fascination. “How is that possible?”

“Don't ask me, my wife's the brains of the family,” he replied. “Hell, ask the Prince and Princess here if you really need to know, but it'll have to wait. We're here.”

He had led us to what is, without a doubt, the biggest tent I have ever seen. I shit you not, the blasted thing looked like it had two stories. If that thing had a jacuzzi, I'd be jealous.

Blitz held open a flap and bade us to enter. I stepped through the doorway first, while Twilight, Wisp, and Wasp followed. Blitz, however, stayed behind, only sparing us a glance as he closed the flap.

While not lavish, the interior was well decorated. Silken tapestries hung from the rafters (the place was only one story, as it turned out), and an oriental-style rug covered the sandy floor. There was a hint of incense on the air, and it was having a calming effect on me. Not enough for me to drop my guard, but just enough that I would think first before I start blasting.

Seated at the center of the tent at a large mahogany desk was an absolutely ginormous minotaur. He looked like someone crossed a bull with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm talking Ahnold back in his Mr Universe days. He had off white fur, and wore a brown robe.

The minotaur looked up from the book he was reading, and his yellow eyes widened slightly. “Well well well,” he said in a voice reminiscent of Morgan Freeman's. “This is indeed a strange day, for unless my eyes deceive me, a human just walked into my tent.”

Ok, I was not expecting that. “You know what I am?”

“But of course,” the minotaur chuckled. “Even though it has been many millennia since your kind has walked our world, the legends still exist.”

“Wait wait wait,” Twilight interjected. “I haven't read a single one of these legends, and I'm one of the most well-read ponies in Equestria.” Modesty, thy name is Twilight.

The minotaur chuckled. “I am not surprised, little pony. Many nobles of Equestria have tried to quash all knowledge of humanity, even going against the Princesses' wishes in order to do so. Now, anyone who tries to study the old stories are simply labeled as 'nutjobs'.

“However, outside of Equestria's borders, the legends are still told. Why, in my homeland, it is said that the first minotaur was born when a human and a bull had a child. It's part of our creation myth, as it were.”

Well, that's an odd (and disturbing) bit of parallelism. The Greek myth is a little different, but that's not important.

“Elder Stonewall, I presume,” I said in an attempt to get back on topic.

“Ah, yes, that is I. Please pardon my manners,” he replied. “Now, who are you and why have you come to our camp?”

All fair questions. Might as well be polite. “Name's James Clark, with me are Wisp, Wasp, and Twilight Sparkle. I can't tell you our destination, but we were driven off our train by Sikskysher bandits.”

He furrowed his brow. “Sikskysher, you say? If what you say is true, you have made a powerful enemy.”

“Why would the Griffon King want to kill us, though?” Twilight asked.

Stonewall barked out a laugh that shook the walls of the tent. “Oh, you've heard that rumor. While it is true that the Sikskysher take payment from the Griffon King, his authority over them stops at the border to his territory. No, you face a far more deadly foe.”

The Elder stood up. Now, I know I already said this guy was ginormous, but I think I understated that a little. Motherfucker was HUGE! He had to be at least eight feet tall, and I'm sure I underestimated that number.

Yeah, I was intimidated. Sue me.

Stonewall turned and strode over towards a nearby cabinet. I could've sworn that he shook the ground as he walked, but Twilight later told me that I imagined it. The minotaur opened the cabinet, and retrieved a wine bottle and five glasses.

He returned to his seat, and poured each of us a glass of red wine. “Tell me, what do you know of Rakka?”

Feeling the need for a little dutch courage, I snagged my glass and took a swig. I know it wasn't gin, but beggars couldn't be choosers. It was a good wine. A little fruity with grassy undertones, but a little on the sweet side.

While I was enjoying my glass, Twilight answered the question. “Not much, really. There's very little written about the Old Gods, and even less about Rakka. What little I do know was told to me by Princess Celestia.”

“That is understandable,” Stonewall rumbled. “Rakka is a powerful entity, whose sphere of influence include chaos, destruction, and war. He is also the god that the Sikskysher pray to.”

Ah, religious extremists. I've danced this tune before. “So why're they after us?” I asked.

The Elder smiled like the cat who ate the canary. “Why, the peace treaty of course.”

“How do you know about that?” Twilight yelled. “That's supposed to be top secret until a formal agreement is made!”

Stonewall just continued to grin. “I have my ways, as do the Sikskysher. But unlike them, I intend to help you. Barb!”

The tent flap opened, and in stepped something I was not expecting to see. An honest-to-god dragon! It was a little smaller than I expected, about a head shorter than me in fact. Its scales were a rich sapphire hue, and a ridge of spines ran down its back, stopping just past a pair of leathery wings.

"This is my assistant, Barbara," Stonewall said in introduction. "She has a direct line to Princess Luna. If you wish, I could send her a message."

Wow, convenient. Maybe a little too convenient. "And how do we know you're telling the truth about that? Why would you even be so generous?" Ok, I may be a little paranoid here. The looks Twilight and Wisp shot my way indicated that they thought so as well. That, and I was looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Stonewall wasn't phased a bit, though. "Simply put, peace between Equestria and the Changeling Hive is in my interest," he said. "The animosity between ponies and changelings, if left unchecked, could lead to needless death and destruction. Elwydd herself wants nothing more than for all sentient life to coexist peacefully, and I, as Her humble servant, wish for nothing more than to see that happen. Having the Hive and Equestria bury their differences is but one step in that process."

Ok, this guy seemed genuine. Was there any doubt? Hell yes there was. This wouldn't have been the first time, nor would it have been the last that some charismatic bastard played me like a fiddle. But if I kept looking for an ulterior motive behind everyone's motives, I'd never get anything done.

Besides, who better tto put a little faith in than a preacher.

"Alright, what do we tell her?"

Stonewall smiled warmly. "Barb, take a letter." The dragoness pulled out a quill and scroll from... somewhere. I didn't see where her hands went. "Ms Sparkle, would you care to do the honors?"

Twilight blinked, surprised at being singled out like that. After a moment, she smiled and cleared her throat.

Dear Princess Luna;

This is Twilight Sparkle writing to you with a progress report. Despite my earlier misgivings, negotiations with the changeling representatives have gone well, but unfortunately have hit a bit of a snag. I had planned to bring Princess Wisp and her brother, Prince Wasp, to Canterlot so that further progress could be made. However, on the train ride to Appleloosa, we were waylaid by Sikskysher bandits.

However, thanks to the efforts of the bodyguard hired by the changeling Queen, we survived the encounter, but were forced to abandon the train. After traveling through the desert, we ran into a Circle of Elwydd encampment at an oasis, and have met with Elder Stonewall. He has kindly offered his aid, and we have put our faith in him If you have any further advice, please write back.

Yours Truly:

Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.- Tell Princess Celestia that I may have a report for her when I return.

"Alright, got it," Barb said in a scratchy, though still feminine voice. "Anything I should tack on before sending it?"

"Yes actually, Stonewall piped in. "Include our location. It occurs to me that she may need that bit of information."

Nodding, the dragoness scratched a few more lines into the scroll before rolling it up and breathing blue fire onto it. Now, Twilight had said that her dragon assistant could send letters that way, but it was still something that had to be seen to believe. The scroll disappeared in a puff of blue smoke, which then flew out the tent.

"Now, while we are waiting, mind telling just how you managed to get a direct line to the princess?" I asked. In retrospect, I probably should've asked this before sending a letter.

"A fair question, and one with a simple answer," Stonewall replied. "Princess Luna is one of our groups' financial backers. You see, she was a founding member of the Circle, and she has watched over us ever since. She lent me Barbara's services so she could keep in touch."

I had another question, but before I could speak up, Barb let out the most epic belch of all time, complete with its own pyrotechnics display. Her sapphire flames coalesced into another rolled up scroll, this one sealed with a ribbon adorned with a crescent moon. She grabbed the letter with one hand and held it out for Twilight.

Twilight took hold of the letter in her telekinesis, unrolled it, and began to read.

Dear Twilight Sparkle;

When my sister and I received news that your train was attacked and that you had not reached Appleloosa, we feared the worst. I am most pleased that you have run into Elder Stonewall. He is a trusted friend, and a valuable ally. I ask that you place your trust in him.

Now, I believe that the time for stealth is long past. I have dispatched a detachment of Royal Guards with chariots to your location. They should arrive by mid-morning at the latest. They will fly you and your companions back to Ponyville where you will await further instructions.

Please, give my regards to the changeling representatives. Hopefully, a formal peace can be reached soon.

Yours Truly:

Princess Luna

"It's definitely Princess Luna's horn-writing," Twilight stated.

"I wish I could join you in Canterlot," Stonewall said. "I'd love nothing more than to see the looks on the Princesses faces when a human walks into the throne room." Well, at least he didn't seem to care too much about us doubting him. "But, until your chariot arrives, please, avail yourselves to our hospitality. You have traveled far, and are undoubtedly weary. We have plenty of food and drink, as well as comfortable places to sleep."

Well aint that the most god damned convenient thing I ever did see. I couldn't have kept the grin off my face if I tried. "Much appreciated," I said, before turning to the others. "So, who else is hungry? I could use some warm chow."

"Actually..." Twilight said as she looked up to Stonewall, "if it's not too much trouble, could you answer a few questions I have about the Circle?"

Stonewall smiled at her. "I would be honored."

"Whelp, Twilight's out. What about you two?" I asked Wisp and Wasp.

Wisp yawned. "Sorry, but I think I'll just find a nice bed," she said, before turning and walking out of the tent.

"I'd better go with her," Wasp added as he followed her out. "Just to make sure the bed she ends up in isn't already occupied."

As I turned to leave as well, I thought of one more question I needed to ask. "How well protected is this camp?"

"We're not invulnerable, but we are relatively safe," Stonewall replied. "Our sentries will give plenty of warning should we come under attack."

With that fear allayed, it was time for dinner.

The chow hall was near Stonewall's tent, and I found it easily enough. The line wasn't long, and I got served quickly. The available fair wasn't the most appetizing, but it was no worse than what I got in Iraq. At least they had meat. I was getting worried about that.

As I left the line, I saw a familiar pegasus sitting at a table. Feeling like having company tonight, I moved over to sit with him.

"Hey, this seat taken?" I asked.

"Huh?" Blitz replied as he looked up to see me. "Oh, nah. C'mon big guy, I could use some company."

I sat down across the table from him and promptly began to chow down. Blitz didn't seem weirded out by my food choice, so either he didn't realize that I was eating meat, or it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be. Seeing as there were griffons a few tables over eating what appeared to be pork chops, I suspected the latter.

"So what's your story?" Blitz asked me. "How'd you become a merc?"

I just barely contained a growl. "First of all, I'm a civilian contractor, not a merc. Secondly, there's really not much to it. Former military; United States Marine Corp. I signed up with my firm after my contract was up. Been traveling the world acting like a heavily armed Rent-A-Cop since. This is definitely my most interesting job, though. What about you?"

"Eh, pretty much the same. Was a Royal Guard for a while, then met a nice filly. Didn't know she was a changeling until after I proposed to her."

"Must've been a real shock," I commented with a smirk.

"Yeah, but I did end up marrying her. Things haven't been perfect, but we've made things work. Anyways, after I married her I retired from the Guard and joined up with the Cloudsdale Police. Boring job, but it paid well. I needed it when my little filly was born."

"I've been meaning to ask about that. How?"

Blitz just shrugged. "Don't look at me. Prisma tried to explain, but science was never my strong suit. You'd be better off asking those Royals you're travelling with."

Our conversation was then interrupted by a blast from a horn. Blitz's eyes widened in shock. "That's the alert signal. We've got incoming hostiles."

Son of a bitch, and things were starting to look up. Fuck you, Murphey.

Author's Note

God damn, this was a bitch and a half to get out. The original plan was to have them make the journey all the way to Appleloosa on foot, but just thinking of writing all that was tedious. Minecraft didn't help matters either.

In the end, I took some materiel from McKiernan's works and found a way to cram it in. I think it helped with world building, but that's just me.

Chapter 1: Weirdest. Job. Ever.

Chapter 1: Weirdest. Job. Ever.

Fucking Houston traffic. They say that you don't need to worry about being pulled over for speeding, because any cop that does so will only get hit by a speeding driver. I don't know if that's true, as I never asked any of my friends in HPD, but everyone seems to drive as if it were.

It doesn't help that my vehicle is a twenty year old clunker. Oh sure, I could've taken my Corvette, but I absolutely loved my white, beat up, '91 Chevy S-10. It's my first car, after all. Plus, it got pretty good gas mileage. That almost made up for the lack of air conditioning. Almost.

At least it was chilly this Halloween. Most years, its still warm up until Thanksgiving week, sometimes even Christmas. Hell, I'm not complaining, it made my costume a bit more comfortable to wear. Seriously, riot gear can be quite stifling. Why am I wearing riot gear as my costume? Well, have you ever played Fallout: New Vegas? I'm going to the costume party wearing a replica of NCR Ranger Combat Armor. It's not completely authentic, but it's close enough. Hell, I went the extra step and used real riot gear I got from a buddy in HPD that owed me a favor.

I'd just exited I-10 and was about to turn onto HWY146 when my phone rang. The caller I.D. told me it was my office.

"Fuuuuuuuck!" I yelled as I u-turned. The only reason I'd get a call from work was because they had a job for me, and when they had a job, they expected me to drop everything and come straight to the office. I flipped open my phone, told them that I'd be there in twenty minutes, then closed it hard.

God, I wish I could slam a cell phone.

I actually made good time back to the office and pulled into the parking garage with five minutes to spare. Three minutes after that, and I was in the building and riding the elevator up to the twelfth floor, home of the Houston branch of Lucius' Security Consultation.

We're a Private Military Corporation, or "mercenaries" to the uninformed. I hate that term, though. People hear the word "mercenary" and immediately imagine a hired thug humping it through the jungle of some third-world cesspool. Oh sure, some PMCs are like that, but Lucius' bread and butter is actual consultation. We do work in the field occasionally, but even then we're basically glorified security guards. Hell, European cops are usually better armed than us when we do actual work.

As the elevator doors slid open, I was surprised to see my boss, "Big" John Henry, waiting for me. Before you ask, yes, he is a dead-ringer of the legendary railroad worker. I swear, you could cut diamonds on the man's pecs.

"Good to see ya, Jimbo. Nice costume," he said. "Sorry I had to drag you back here, but this client is a little... strange. Also, she asked for you by name."

"Repeat customer?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

"Nope, first timer."

That got my attention. Company policy was to keep the names of our employees confidential. Any client that pays for our service has to sign a non-disclosure agreement before we send an operative out. It keeps us safe, as a few terrorist organizations have made threats on our lives before. "Should I be worried?"

"No, that's my job," said Big John. "As for the client, I don't think she's a threat. She's waiting for you in your office. Lock up on your way out." With that, the boss man headed for the stairs, even though we were talking right next to the elevator. He's crazy like that.

Despite Big John's attempt to reassure me, I found my hand had moved on its own accord to my chest, hovering over where I keep my holdout weapon. It's a small .22 pistol, but I carry it with me everywhere. The pop-gun has gotten me out of a few scrapes.

Still, something was bothering me. It wasn't any sort of sixth sense nonsense, but a niggling feeling that I'd need more protection. As spooked as I was, I decided to head to the locker room first.

When I was first assigned to this office, I had no idea why we had a locker room. We have no on-site gym, and we don't wear uniforms unless out on a job, and even then only. In reality, it's a remnant from the previous lease holder of our offices, and it's damn handy to have around. Most of the boys just keep an extra set of clothing for emergencies, while I keep a "bug-out bag". It's nothing more than a backpack packed with two changes of clothing, toiletries, and my passport. It really comes in handy when I need to get on a plane to Bumfuck, Egypt on short notice.

Along with the bag, I keep Black Betty in my locker. That's what I call my favorite gun. Yes, naming a gun is incredibly tacky, but it's easier than calling it a "custom built, six-shot revolver with a matte black finish and chambered in .500 S&W". That, my friends, is a big, big gun. I've never fired her in anger, but her presence on my hip has impressed at least two Saudi oil magnates.

Thinking to intimidate whoever asked for me by name, I strapped the gun belt on under the tattered duster I was wearing, and slid Betty into her holster. I also grabbed two small boxes of ammo and placed them in their pouches on the belt. No, I didn't expect to need to reload, I just grabbed 'em out of habit.

Deciding that the new client can wait another minute, I headed to the bathroom. If she didn't like it, tough. She shouldn't have dragged me away from my Halloween party (I can be a vindictive bastard when I want).

The bathroom was pretty much what you'd find in any public place in America. Two stalls, one urinal, and two sinks. After taking care of business (I am not going into details here), I went to wash my hands. Having left the gas mask and helmet of my costume in the truck, I got a good look at my face in the mirror. I hate that. It makes me feel... old.

I don't know why, I mean, I'm not even thirty years old. It's probably the scars, of which I've got more than my fair share. The three on my face really stick out.

One across the bridge of my nose that I got in Iraq, during the surge. I was in the Marines at the time, working counter-intelligence, when I was captured by an insurrectionist cell. The ~~interrogator~~ torturer was just starting to work his knife on my face when he suffered a 7.62mm brain haemorrhage courtesy of a British sniper. I still owe that limey bastard a beer.

Another scar I got in Bangkok on my first job with Lucius'. I was protecting some fat-cat CEO when a crazy guy decides to try and knife him. Bastard cut me right across my right cheek before I could subdue him.

Lastly, my biggest scar goes over my left eye. I got that one in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and I'm not proud of it. Long story short, tequila was involved.

Sighing to myself, I decided that I've wasted enough of the client's time.

"Good to finally meet you, Mr. Clark," she said without even turning around. I don't spend much time in my office, and as a result it is quite bare. No pictures, no decorations, just plain walls and floor. The desk is a cheap POS from Ikea, but it serves its purpose of keeping my paperwork secure.

The only interesting feature of my office is the floor-to-ceiling window that takes up the entirety of the back wall, which the client was currently looking through. She was a tall redhead, dressed in a black robe. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was a "cultist". We get a few dozen every year, so it's a safe bet.

"And you have me at a disadvantage, miss..."

"Meta will suffice," she replied, turning to face me. What really caught my attention now was her eyes. They were a bright, emerald green color that seemed to glow with an inner fire. Her skin was pale, almost lacking pigment entirely.

"Very well, ma'am. Now, what seems to be the problem?" I was tempted to ask how she knew that I worked for Lucius, but decided against it. Big John'll have my back if anything goes pear-shaped.

"Straight to the point then," she said, smiling delightfully. "I am the leader of a small desert nation, I doubt you've ever heard of it, though. For security reasons, I'd like to withhold that information for now."

Africa. That's where my mind first went. There are so many small tribes claiming sovereignty on that continent that it isn't funny. All of them are within the borders of internationally recognized nations, but for some reason or another do not recognize the government's authority. "I'll let you know right now that Lucius' Security Consultation is not in the business of warfighting. If you need soldiers, you've come to the wrong place."

"That is not what I want, Mr. Clark. I am currently in the process of making peace with another, larger nation," she said. "Negotiations on neutral grounds have gone well, and now we are planning for my envoy to meet face to face with the other nation's leader. What I need is an escort."

I mulled that over for a moment. She was basically asking for a bodyguard, but something wasn't adding up. Nations, even unrecognized ones, usually had their own security force to handle diplomatic protection. "Why me?"

"Because I can't trust my own guards," replied Meta. "I have only come to power recently. The nation we are in negotiations with was once invaded by mine, under the leadership of my sister. She managed to take the capital city, but was driven out before the day was over. She returned home and was soon stripped of her power, and I took over. Despite her disgrace, my sister still has plenty of supporters, and she does not want this peace treaty to come to fruition."

Ah, this old song and dance. All governments, from the most liberal democracy, to the most brutal dictatorship, has their share of hawks and doves. It was a relief to be speaking with a dove for once. It's usually the warmongers that seek out PMCs, But still... "I get the feeling you're not telling me everything."

"There's a lot I'm not telling you." Her smile was almost predatory, and her eyes seemed to shine a few lux brighter. "I can not tell you where the job is located, nor can I tell you how much the job will pay."

I could practically hear alarm bells going off. Very rarely would the company even consider doing a job without any guaranteed payment. Usually it'd be a missionary group headed to an unstable region that needed some extra muscle. Lucius' accountants found some way to get a tax break off these "charity jobs", as I call them. The problem? Charity jobs have a knack for blowing up on me, like that nightmare down in Colombia. I still took them, mainly because, well... "Why should I even consider taking this job, then?"

"Because, if my sister has her way, we'd go to war again, and thousands of innocent lives would be lost." There it is. Whether she knew it or not, she hit me in my one weak spot. I always had to be the white knight. Even back in school, I'd get myself in trouble standing up for anyone that got in trouble with bullies or gangs. Hell, I nearly lost my leg in Fallujah when I pushed a kid away from an IED right before it detonated. My CO gave me shit for it but I didn't care. That little boy's life was worth it.

"How do you know so much about me?" I asked. "You asked for me by name, even though you shouldn't know that I work here in the first place. Everyone I've done a job for has signed a strict NDA, so they couldn't have told you without facing heavy legal fees."

"I have my sources," she simply replied. The smirk never left her face. "I looked at hundreds of different mercenaries, excuse me, private military contractors. Every single one of them lacked what you have."

"And that would be?"

"A kind, gentle soul," she replied, her eyes softening just a tad. "I know what happened in Colombia, how those monsters from the Cartel slaughtered the tribe those missionaries wanted to aid, all because they wouldn't work in their drug labs. How they dogged your every step as you escorted the missionaries to safety. The Cartel offered you safe passage and a large sum of money, and all you had to do was leave the missionaries behind to be butchered, and yet you didn't. Because it wouldn't be right." Her predatory smile was gone now, replaced by a caring, almost motherly one. "That wasn't the first, nor the last time you passed up an easy out, just because it wasn't the right thing to do, and that's exactly what I need."

I was completely stunned. Nobody, not even my Lucius, knew the full story. I'd met the leader of that band of murderous savages in complete secret, away from the Missionaries. I turned his offer down, and promptly put two bullets in his head. Did one of the other Cartel members talk? Doubtful, but possible.

Something was still bothering me. The voice in my head was telling me that I was getting in over my head. But... if I could help stop a war, and therefore save thousands of lives, maybe it'll be worth it. Against my better judgement...

"I'll take the job."

Meta smiled even wider and clapped her hands together. "Oh, thank you Mr. Clark!" she exclaimed, extending a hand for me to shake. "I can promise you an unforgettable experience."

I took her hand and shook it. The predatory smirk returned to her face once more and, as she pulled away, green witchfire burst into existence on my hand.

"What the fuck!" I shook my hand wildly in the air, trying to put the flames out. In my panic, I didn't register that the flames did not actually burn. The flames slowly spread, and soon engulfed my entire arm.

"I am truly sorry about this," said Meta. In a flash of green flame, the robed woman disappeared, and was replaced by something out of a bad horror film. Standing at roughly five and a half feet high, Its body was equine in shape, but it was definitely not a horse. Black chitin covered its body, save for a patch of green on its midsection that wrapped all the way around. A pair of diaphanous wings fluttered from its back, while a long, luxurious, fire-red mane seemed to waft on an unfelt breeze, and a twisted, jagged horn protruded from its forehead. Strangest of all, however, were the holes in its hooves. It looked like someone took a drill and just went to town.

As the fire continued to spread along my body, I drew Black Betty from her holster, and aimed at the abomination standing before me. However, before I could pull the trigger, I blacked out.

Waking up, the first thing I noticed was the heat. It wasn't the oppressive, muggy heat I was used to growing up in Houston. Rather, it was the intense, dry heat of a summer day in Arizona. Those of you going "at least it's a dry heat" are morons. Heat is heat, it doesn't matter how wet it is. As a puppet once said, "a bonfire's a dry heat, but you don't see me sticking my ass in it."

The next thing I notice is that I'm still wearing my costume. Let me tell you now, body armor isn't that comfortable to wear even in ideal conditions. Hundred plus degree weather is not ideal conditions by a long shot. It was even worse than the gear I wore in Iraq. That, at least, was water-cooled.

I groaned as I sat up. Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in the middle of some desert. The terrain reminded me of Arizona, but I had absolutely no idea how I got there. The last thing I remember is passing out in my office in front of... whatever that monster was.

I'll solve that mystery later. Now, I had to check whatever gear I had on me. Opening my duster, I saw that my holdout weapon was in it's place, along with two magazines. Usually I keep it in a shoulder holster, but that would be unwieldy with body armor. Instead, I modified my duster with a special pocket that holds the small weapon at an angle that allows me to reach in and draw that pea-shooter smoothly.

Strangely, Black Betty is still in her holster, even though I distinctly remember drawing her to shoot that thing in my office. Attached to the belt are the two boxes of ammo I grabbed earlier, each filled with six hand-loaded .500 S&W rounds. Only two reloads plus the six rounds I had currently loaded meant I had conserve ammo. I had another seventeen shots with my holdout, but its effective range was only long enough that a knife would be an equally effective option for hunting. Speaking of, I kinda wish I had a knife right about now.

At my feet was the one item I was not expecting to see, my bug-out bag. It was a simple, durable, black backpack that had survived countless trips through the airport without going missing once. I consider the thing a good luck charm of sorts. A note was pinned to it, written on parchment. Reaching over, I grabbed the bag and pulled it close. I ripped the note off and began to read.

Mr. Clark

I deeply apologize for deceiving you so, but I need your help.

I was not lying when I said that thousands of lives were at stake,

nor was I lying when I said you were the best man for the job.

In your pack, I have left you two items. The first is a bag filled

with the local currency. The second is an potion that will help you

deal with the heat.

To the east, a little over a mile away, is the town of Land's End.

There, at the "End of the World Tavern" you will meet with

both the Equestrian envoy and mine.

You are to escort them to Canterlot, the capitol of Equestria.

Once again, I apologize for dragging you into this mess.

Signed: Queen Metamorphosis.

Ok, what the hell? Equestria? Canterlot? This has got to be someone's idea of a bad joke. Sighing to myself, I opened my backpack. The first thing I see is a small burlap bag, tied with a hemp cord. Pulling it out, I am surprised at how heavy the thing is. I was even more surprised when I opened it. The damn thing was full of gold coins. If this is a joke, it's a damn expensive one. Judging by the weight, that much gold must've been worth thousands of dollars. Drawing one coin out, I could tell that it was not any coin I am familiar with. On one side was a stylized sun, while the other had a crescent moon. Shrugging, I dropped the coin in the bag and tied the cord. Strange coin or not, gold's gold.

Setting the bag aside, I look in my pack again for the other item that was left for me. I immediately saw a small, glass bottle, filled with a strange blue liquid, topped with a screw cap. It felt ice cold to the touch, and there was a label on it that read "Ice-Vein Potion: Blueberry Flavored." At this point, I just want to laugh my ass off, thinking that this is the most elaborate joke in history

Still, something told me that this was not just a joke. Somewhere between "bug-horse" and "sack o' gold", my disbelief has been thoroughly suspended. Shrugging, I unscrew the cap, but not before noticing a warning written on it, telling me to only drink a mouth full. Not one to argue, I took a swig, and was assaulted with a numbing chill, and the flavor of fresh blueberries. Swallowing the strange brew, I instantly felt like I had stepped into an air-conditioned building. It was the most surreal experience so far, even more so than the green fire and bug-horse.

It was now that I realized that I just did something incredibly stupid! I didn't know what was in that vial. For all I knew, it could've been flesh-melting acid, and I drank it anyways. I wanted to berate myself, but was feeling too chill to care.

Chuckling to myself, I zipped my backpack up, stood up, and slung the pack over my shoulder. To the east, I could just make out a town. With nowhere else to go, I set off in that direction, unsure of jsut what I had gotten myself into.

I was not expecting this.

The town looked like it had been extracted whole-cloth from an old Western film. I half expected John Wayne to come strolling down the main drag. The only reason I didn't fully expect it was the locals.

Ponies. Plentiful pastel ponies, and they came in more colors than a box of crayons. What's more, along with the regular-ponies, I also saw a few unicorns and pegasi.

"Alright, where the fuck am I?"