Equestria, a magical, wondrous land, filled with magnificent creatures; Ponies, griffons, dragons, hippogriffs, and many more call this place home.
And then, there's Anon; a boring human, if you can even call him a human. I mean, he's fucking green for chaos sake, and he doesn't even have eyes! His face is just covered with a giant black question mark!
Anyway, the "human" is this story's protagonist, obviously, so, sit down and pay attention.
At the moment, Anon is laying on a bed he doesn't deserve, thinking.
He had arrived in Equestria nearly a month ago. Somehow, the ruler of the land, Celestia (And her highly over-rated sister) knew he had a month to do what he wanted before he had to go back home.
"Remember," She had said, "Stay out of trouble."
Stay out of trouble. Anon must have misunderstood and thought she said "don't do anything," because he sure as hell is following that code. But, his mind dissipating from boredom, decides to do something on his last day here....
He thought back to the dumb internet challenges he watched while his brain rotted during quarantine. He racked his smol bean brain until he came up with one to pull on these gullible ponies..
His mind lit up.
His plan formulated, he hopped of the comfy blue bed, and looked around. He was in the castle of Friendship, or whatever the fuck it was called. All Anon knew about it was that it was tall, purple, and pretty enough for him to want sleep in it. Surprisingly, Twilight Sparkle, the local princess, allowed Anon to hunker down, and do jack shit until his time was up. Two weeks later, and she still hasn't changed her mind, though she was visibly going insane from all the times she found smudge marks and dog-eared pages in one of her books, then telling herself something along the lines of "It's only for a month, he'll be gone by then, it's only for a month."
Still, there was some moments they half-bonded, mainly when Twilight asked Anon to tell her about the human world, and Anon obliged. As much as he hated to admit it, he thought the way her face lit up was adorable.
Then, there were the others, Twilight's friends. For some reason, Anon, after reading a bunch of shitty fanfics back home, was expecting a shitty self insert OC, but there wasn't one. Well, there is that odd Shawn Stables fellow that lives down the road... Anyway, Twilight's friends were nice enough, but they had their own shit to deal with, so Anon hardly ever sees them.
Oh, and then there's Spike. Spike was the one the seemed to loathe Anon, especially since Anon accidentally called him Spyro ("I'm not Spyro! He lives in the dragon lands, " Spike had said.).
Now, where were we... ah yes.
Anon opens the door to his bedroom, and steps down the hallway. The library door opens, and out comes... a pale purple mare with a darker purple mane, with a blue swirl in it.
Anon stopped walking and stared at her, bewildered for a few seconds. He then remembered something Twilight had said that was along the lines of;
"If you run into another pony, don't be alarmed. That's Starlight Glimmer, she likes to keep to herself a lot."
Anon kept looking at the mare, who had noticed Anon, and was walking up to him.
"Hi," She said, holding up her hoof. "I'm Starlight Glimmer. You're the human that Twilight keeps talking about, correct?"
Anon nodded, grabbing her hoof, and immediately looked down to check he was grabbing the correct thing; her hoof was incredibly soft. Acting like he had knowledge about this, he looked back to Starlight, "I'm Anon."
And then he remembered why he was out of his room in the first place. He grinned evilly, and looked at the mare, cleared his throat, which made Starlight look at him, right where his eyes should be, and...
"Did you know that it's impossible to look up with your tongue out?"
Starlight pulled her hoof away, looking slightly bewildered, opened her mouth to say something, closed it, and looked up thoughtfully.
"You sure?" She asked, squinting at Anon with speculation. "Seems like a pretty simple thing to do."
"I am one-hundred percent sure. Try it."
Starlight set down her hoof, and smirked at Anon, "How about you try it first?"
"What?" Anon said, slightly panicking. Does she already know the meaning behind it? Had Anon's plan been foiled before it's even been put into action? Thinking quickly, he says, "I can't. I don't even have eyes."
Starlight stopped smirking, "Good point."
"Now," Anon said clapping his hands together. "Let see if you can achieve the impossible!"
Starlight's face immediately turned from a look of annoyance to one of surprise, "Wait, what?"
"Hell yeah!" Anon replied, trying to sound sincere or something. "If you're able to pull this off, you'll go down in history! You'll be a legend!"
Now, we all know Anon's just feeding her bullshit, but poor Starlight doesn't know this. In fact, her faced twisted itself into a evil grin as she says, "A legend, eh? Well.." She magicked a camera into Anon's hands. " You better get a good shot."
Fumbling with the camera for a few seconds, had it pointing at Starlight, recording.
Starlight cleared her throat, and said, "Hello Equestria. My name is Starlight Glimmer. I have caught word that if I am able to push past certain boundaries, I'll have unspeakable power!"
Wait, what the fuck,Anon thought.
"Now, witness as I achieve the impossible, lowly citizens of Equestria!" Starlight finished, Anon threw the previous thought out of his mind, this was actually fucking happening. He couldn't believe it! He watched with anticipation as Starlight looked up - he zoomed the camera in slightly - and her tongue fell out of her mouth. Now, Anon didn't know what he expected to happen, but this wasn't it;
Starlight immediately fell to the floor, face extremely red. Confused, Anon followed the action with his camera. Starlight, was panting extremely fast. Anon just stared through the camera. He didn't know how to react, this was the most bizarre thing he has ever witnessed.
Then, out of nowhere, Starlight grabbed him by the shirt collar with her magic, pulled him down, and said in a extremely horny voice;
"rut me.."
"WHAT THE FUCK!!"
Anon threw himself backwards, scared out of his mind. The camera flew down the hall, and it smashed against a wall, shattering into a million pieces. He stood up as quickly as he could, and so did Starlight, who was drooling.
"Please...." She said quietly.
"NO!" Anon ~~screeched~~ yelled like a man, and ran in the opposite direction. He ran past his room, he wasn't going to trap himself with that.... thing.
He practically flew through the castle. He needed to find Twilight. He looked back, Starlight was sprinting after him, yelling lewd phrases. He looked straight forward, and saw Spike who was staring as his super manly, and not at all feminine, run. Then, Anon had another idea. He stopped next to Spike, who opened mouth to say something, before Anon put his plan into action.
"Get Spike!" Anon yelled at Starlight. Spike looked like Anon just shot someone, before Starlight tackled the small dragon, and pulled him into a room off the side of the hall, slamming the door. A few minutes later, the poor dragons screams of fear echoed through the hall.
Anon was too much of a dickweed to really care, and was now walking calmly down the hallway. Twilight was sprinting towards him.
"Anon! What's going on? I heard yelling!" Twilight said with a concerned expression.
Anon contemplated how he should respond. Yes, he just ran from a suddenly sex-hungry Starlight, but he was still going to complete his mission! So, he cleared his throat, and said, in a matter-of-fact voice,
"Did you know it's impossible to look up with your tongue out?
...
Anon now sat in the Canterlot throne room, with a very angry Celestia, and a very tired Luna.
"Anon, what did you do?" She said, visibly fuming.
Anon shrugged, "I didn't do nothin'."
"Oh really? Then why is there a bunch of horny ponies outside, trying to break in?" Luna asked.
"I don't know, I just challenged them to do the impossible." Anon replied.
"Which is..?"
"I told them it's impossible to look up with their tongue out."
Celestia and Luna both looked horrified.
"Anon," Celesta said, "You made them activate their Heat Switch?"
"Excuse me?"
"Their Heat Switch!" Luna said, "It's a genetic switch that throws ponies, no matter the gender, into an intense heat!"
Anon still didn't understand, "Why is that a bad thing? I mean, if it just warms them up-"
"NO!" Celestia yelled, standing up quickly, Luna following in suit. "YOU IDIOT! Being in heat is more than being warmer! It's also includes the need for an intimate encounter with another member of the same species! It's the time where babies are made! Because of you, we're going to have an intense flood of children in twelve months!"
"I-" Started Anon, but was suddenly interrupted by loud cracking noise, and he was gone.
"Well." Luna said, "We're fucked."
"Quite literally. Not that you would mind, right?" Celestia said slyly.
"Oh, stuff a sock in it." Luna grumpily replied.
"I don't think I will, you thousand year-old virgin." Celestia laughed.
"I wish I was still on the moon."
Author's Note
Yeah, this is all I'm giving you for Christmas.
Fucking enjoy it.
