Celestia is Dead (And We Killed Her)

by hamster wizard

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Death, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Profanity
Length: 1511

Celestia may have died. Twilight might have been involved.

This is satire.

Synopsis:
Celestia is dead. Mistakes were made.

Contains: blood, naughty words.

Cover art is Friar Pedro Shoots El Maragato as His Horse Runs Off by Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes and badly edited by me.

Now with a reading by StraightToThePointStudio, feel free to check it out!

Published 2020-11-10 19:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-10 19:00:00 UTC

Whoops

“Hey, Twilight?”

“Hm?”

“I have a question.”

“Yes?”

Rainbow Dash shuffled her hooves and stared up at the ceiling for a moment before continuing.

“Um...”

“Um?”

“Sorry, I need a sec.”

“Take your time.”

The two of them stood side by side in silence for a moment before Rainbow looked ahead and began speaking.

“So, this is an awkward question.”

“It’s fine Dash, we're friends. Just say what’s on your mind.” Twilight responded in a motherly tone.

Rainbow took a moment to center herself, glancing off to the side briefly before going forward.

“So,” a brief pause, “Is Celestia dead?”

The two lingered awkwardly, letting the question sink in.

“Dead?” Asked Twilight, somewhat incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“No, of course not.”

“Oh, good.” Rainbow Dash said, sounding rather unconvinced as she wiped some blood off of her face. This action was rather futile, as the entire front half of her body was splattered with a copious amount of red, staining her coat and feathers. She flicked her tongue, ejecting a single white feather from her mouth.

Staring ahead, Rainbow Dash beheld the scene before her, a beautiful golden chandelier, adorned with clear glistening crystals lay in a mangled mess on the floor. Shattered bits and pieces had found their way across the entire hall. Rainbow idly shook a piece of glass out of her mane.

And there was the blood. There was a lot of that. All over the carpet.

“She’s not getting up though.”

“She will.”

Rainbow looked to her friend after this assertion, and observed the zen expression on her face. She also observed her eye twitch slightly every few seconds, but reasoned she may just have gotten some blood in it.

She then looked at Princess Celestia, and looked away shortly after.

“She looks fine.” Twilight asserted.

“She does.” Rainbow confirmed.

Rainbow coughed slightly and looked off to the far side of the hall.

“That half of her over there looks okay too.”

“Quite.” Twilight looked to Rainbow dash and then continued. “I’m surprised how sharp that chandelier was though, it’s a good thing we took it down.”

“Twilight, Celestia is fucking dead.”

“It would have been a real safety hazard. Imagine if it fell on somepony.”

“It did. Princess Celestia? She’s dead.”

“No she’s not.”

“Yes she is Twilight!” Rainbow Dash finally snapped, beginning to get irate. “We dropped a fucking chandelier on her and sliced her in half! It was horrible!”

“We did that, yes. But as I said, Celestia is immortal. She can’t die. I dropped the chandelier on her to prove that, and as soon as she gets up we’ll all have a good laugh and you’ll owe me 50 bits.”

“Immortality and invincibility are completely different Twilight.”

“Glad to see that page a day vocabulary calendar I got you is paying off.”

“It is, but we killed the princess Twi.”

“No we didn’t, because Celestia can’t die. Everypony knows that. She’s lived for over 1,000 years, fought in hundreds of battles, slain godlike foes and survived more than mortals like us could ever comprehend. She can’t be killed by a chandelier because she can’t be killed period.”

“TWILIGHT!”

“Yes?”

“Her ass is 50 feet away from her torso! THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. I didn’t even know one pony could have this much blood, it’s horrifying!”

“Actually, this is a fairly standard amount of blood for a pony of her size.”

“We killed the princess, we’re going to jail for mareslaughter Twilight!”

“Oh no, Rainbow, that would never happen.”

“Because I’m a hero of Equestria, and my good friend Twilight Sparkle will vouch for me?”

“No, because this would be regicide, not mareslaughter; and the sentence for regicide is death. But that doesn’t matter because Celestia isn’t dead.”

At this point the two guards who had been waiting outside decided to investigate the shouting coming from the throne room. The two of them; both nondescript identical pegasus stallions, entered the room and let the massive double doors shut behind them. The scene that they were met with was very strange. Several minutes prior, princess Celestia had gone into the throne room with national heroes Rainbow Dash and princess Twilight Sparkle to have a personal meeting at the request of princess Twilight. Now it appeared as though one of the rulers of Equestria had been sheared in half by a very nice yet incredibly sharp and heavy chandelier, and her two guests were standing before the scene having a polite conversation. The two guards were understandably confused.

“Hey Phil.”

“Ya?”

“Question.”

“Shoot, Don.”

Don, who had spoken first, took a moment to find his words before getting frustrated and turning to face the door.

“Shit, sorry, lost my train of thought there.”

“Hey, mate, it happens.”

“Hold on a sec.” Don shook his head and made a silly whirring noise with his mouth before turning back to the spectacle within the room, standing beside his fellow soldier.

“Alright. So. Here’s the deal. Right?”

“Right.”

“See, it looks like, maybe-”

“Hm?”

“And I’m having trouble processing this.”

“Hey, no pressure pal, just let it out.”

Don, sighed, shut his eyes for a seconds, and then began slowly speaking.

“Maybe, the princess is dead. Princess Celestia that is. Luna and Cadence aren’t here, and princess Twilight is obviously fine.”

“Celestia?”

“The princess.”

“Dead?”

“Yes.”

Phil took a hoof and rubbed his chin slowly, taking in the scene before him. Rainbow Dash appeared to be shaking princess Twilight’s shoulders violently, shouting something or another into her face as the princess remained mostly stoic.

“Nah, couldn’t be. Celestia, she’s immortal, yeah?”

“Yeah, but I think you’re confusing bein’ immortal with bein’ invincible. Pretty sure immortal just means you can’t get old. Invincible means you can’t die.” Don nodded at his own statement, feeling proud of his assessment.

“I’m pretty sure immortal means you can’t die ever though. Not just from getting old.”

“No no, I feel like that’s a common misunderstanding. Like, she’s lived for a really long time, but I doubt she’s ever been sliced in half by a chandelier before, ya’ know?”

“True, I would’ve remembered this.”

At this point Twilight had broken down crying, and Rainbow Dash had broken through one of the windows, making a getaway.

“Hey Phil.”

“Yeah?”

“Does this mean we’re fired?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Oh.”

The two of them stood there, pondering what to do next when princess Celestia walked up to them and said, “Could you two start cleaning up this mess please. I need to have a talk with Twilight about, fucking something, I don’t even know. Damn my ass hurts.”

The princess then walked over and comforted her student. It was sweet.

There was still blood all over the carpet though.

“You know, this is kind of funny when you think about it.” Don said.

“Who would ever find this funny?” Phil responded with a frown.

“I don’t know.”

They both paused as Don removed his helmet to scratch the side of his head.

"Princess Luna might.”

“Screw you.”

Phil and Don managed to keep their jobs as castle guards, and their superiors never found out that they allowed the princess to be murdered. They would go on to have successful careers, with Don even making captain later in life. Phil retired early, as he was certain the princess was shooting him dirty looks whenever they met.

Rainbow Dash flew nonstop for several days. She soon arrived in Yakyakistan where she remained for three weeks. She eventually learning that Celestia was still alive through an article in a less than reputable magazine for stallions that she swore wasn’t hers. She returned home and resumed her position on the Wonderbolts flying team. Whenever she was asked why she had disappeared for those few weeks, her excuses would change frequently; although they always centered on Twilight doing something stupid.

Twilight Sparkle recovered from her mental breakdown and went on to do many princessey things. She later suffered several existential breakdowns upon reaching the realization that she herself could never die. This lead to a large number of very public meltdowns which inadvertently bolstered her popularity tremendously on the world stage. One of the most famous of these involved her challenging an 80 foot dragon to a fight with nothing but a bowling pin and an empty pizza box; a duel which she eventually won after 13 hours when the dragon yielded.

Princess Celestia had a long talk with her apprentice about the dangers of murdering other ponies to prove a point, win bets, or to satisfy curiosity. She also uninstalled every one of her antique guillotine-style chandeliers from Canterlot castle, stating that, quote: “I’ll never forgive what they did to my ass. That’s Equestria’s ass, and it must be avenged.” end quote.

Princess Luna eventually learned of the event secondhand, and it is said that she laughed for a solid 4 hours, before taking a break for lunch and then resuming. It remains her favorite story to this day, and is frequently shared by her at social events after a few drinks.