TCB: A Russian Ursa Major Problem

by Frank DuFresne (Doc)

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1073

The ponifying serum turns the bears of the 1'st Russian bear cavalry unit into Ursa Majors.

The 1'st Russian Bear Cavalry Unit gets attacked by ponies who attempt to turn the humans into ponies. They inject the serum into all the bears, but are killed. The bears then turn into Ursa Majors and are still loyal to the humans. They then go on a rampage, meet Theodore Roosevelt, and kill every pony on Earth.
Dear Humanity,
We regret being equine bastards
We regret coming to Earth
And we most definitely regret that the Corps just blew up our raggedy ass base!

Published 2012-08-31 03:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-31 03:14:01 UTC

Chapter 1

It had been a long day for the men of the 1st Russian Bear Cavalry Unit. They had spent all day fighting off the ponies that were hell bent on converting them into ponies. Most of the ponies had been torn apart by the bears, and the few that had gotten past were quickly gunned down by the Russian Special Forces troopers. As they walked into a town, they heard a scream and about 20 ponies attacked them. This time, the ponies went for the bears, injecting them with a ponifying serum. They were quickly devoured by the bears and the soldiers stopped to take a break.

"Can't we go five minutes without being attacks by a bunch of crazy ponies? Is that too much too ask?" One of the soldiers groaned as he leaned against a wall.

"Hey, what's happening to the bears?" Another soldier asked. Sure enough, the bears were growing larger and their coats were going from a dark brown to a transparent red. After about five minutes, the bears stopped growing. "Dear God. What are they?" The soldier asked. The squad noticed that the bears weren't behaving any different than they usually were.

"I guess they're still on our side." A trooper pointed out.

"So, we now have 500 meter tall bears on our side? Let’s go and see what they're capable of." The CO said, a devious smile appearing on his face.

"How are supposed to do that?"

"That is the main serum plant. If we destroy that, the ponies would quickly run out of the shit." The CO pointed at a large building in the distance.

"Well, let's go!" A soldier shouted enthusiastically.

The ponies had obviously seen them coming as the factory’s defenses were set up and very well manned, but before either side could attack, one of the bears stepped on the factory, crushing it an killing all of the ponies in and around it. The Russian soldiers could do nothing but stare in awe at the giant bear. It had stepped on the factory as if it were a bug, a very small and annoying bug. Like an ant.

"That went well." Was all one of the soldiers could say.

"Men, I think it's about one we kicked those had damned ponies off of Earth!" The CO yelled.

"Ura!" The others responded enthusiastically. They were ready to show those ponies why you don't fuck with humanity, especially Russia. Before they could do anything, they spotted a blue alicorn approaching. It was Princess Luna, second only to Princess Celestia. The Russians prepared to be obliterated, but what happened next surprised them even more than when one of the bears stepped on the factory. As Luna approached, one of the bears swatted its paw at her, tearing her body apart, and all of the pieces fell into the bear’s mouth. The bear had thought Luna was just a bug, a delicious, weak bug. He had just killed one of the most powerful being on Earth without even trying.

"Remind me never to piss them off" The CO both respected and feared the bears, and his respect for them had just doubled, along with his fear. The squad continued onwards, destroying any an every pony them came across. After several hours, they had finally reached the ponies’ fortress, but what they saw walking towards them shocked and amazed them. Walking towards them was none other than the former U.S. president, Theodore Roosevelt. They stood frozen as he walked up to them.

"Men, here is where we show those horned, winged, equine sons of bitches that they could not have picked a worse enemy than the human race. We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb ponies until we don't have anything left to shoot 'em with! And then, we are going to strangle them with their own living guts!" Roosevelt yelled. "Am I right, soldiers?"

"Sir, yes sir!” The Russians replied. All they could think about now was making sure there were no more of these ponies left on Earth

"Well? Are you waiting for an invitation?" Theodore demanded. "Let's go kick some equine ass!" He pulled an M60 off of his back, chambered a round, and lit a cigar. He charged forward, the bears in front of him, and the Russians behind. They charged in through the hole* in a wall made by one of the bears, and unloaded on any pony they saw. The bears tore through the defenses, tearing apart ponies, with bloody chunks of the ponies raining down on the base. Princess Celestia came out from her bunker, only to be killed when President Roosevelt unloaded a full M60 magazine into her chest. In a matter of minutes, all that was left were the bears, the humans, and Theodore Roosevelt.

"You're a little late to the party. It's already over." Roosevelt greeted the members of the HLF soldier who had just arrived and were standing there, amazed by what had happened. Some of the bears were eating the bodies of the dead ponies, and the rest had fallen asleep.

"Who are you?" One of the HLF soldiers asked Theodore.

"Men, I am Gods own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine. You can call me Theodore Roosevelt." Roosevelt replied, tossing his cigar on the ground. "Those ponies fucked with humanity, so we fucked them up." He gestured to what remained of the pony base. One of the bears then ate the HLF soldiers as Theodore walked away.

"And that's how I saved Christmas. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to feed Oslo." I walked up to the giant red bear and put three cows in front of him. He ate the cows quickly, leaving nothing, not even a drop blood. I was walking back to the house when I saw a small cat wearing a hat. "Hi Chumpkins! What are you doing here?" Chumpkins barked. "Uhhhh, did you eat a dog? You ate a dog, didn't you?" I walked back to the house, turned on my computer, and started playing Fallout: New Vegas.

* The hole was the size of what used to be the wall. The entire fucking wall. Gone. One of the bear's stepped on it. Or Teddy Roosevelt glared at it for getting in his way. Probably the latter.

THE FUCKING END! IT'S OVER! DON’T ASK FOR MORE!
Please don't stab me in the eyes.