Anon’s a Villain and Wins

by Yellowtail

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 5038

Yep. Anon’s a villain. And he won. Though, the main six try to stop him...

Anon is a villain. Not a particularly good one, but... he’s a villain. Let’s see what stupid shit he did this time.

A one-shot inspired by “If movie Villains didn’t waste time”

Published 2020-11-06 15:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-17 19:28:13 UTC

Villain Plotting is just a Stereotype

I cross my arms as I look around my grey throne room. The floor’s concrete, which I bought on sale, the chandelier above is crystalline, with red and green gems (Christmas decorations were on %60 off), and the windows are tinted. On the other side of the room, are two iron-armored diamond dogs standing guard. The crowning jewel, is the dark oak table, with a dope and sleek curvy-diamond shape to it. Not gonna lie, it’s looking hella fresh in here. To think, my villainy started with ten diamond dogs and a bargain on salt. A gold-armored diamond dog rushes up to me. “Ah, Bones, good to see you,” I say, sitting down on my dank throne of cushioned concrete. It’s not comfortable, but I’m saving up for a massage chair, so it’ll be worth it.

“My lord! We have captured a small dragon!” My loyal guard says.

“Bring him in,” I say. He nods, and runs back. As I wait, I frown as I look at the room. I should’ve gotten that black rug I saw at Walcart, would’ve tied the room together more. I look at a clock I set on my armrest, and notice the time. “... Hm...” Bones come back with two other diamond-dog guards, who carry a small purple dragon. With him, are six oddly shapes gems attached to golden necklaces.

“Here he is,” a dog says. The dragon flares up at me.

“You, will never, EVER, get away with-“

“To the dungeon,” I say nonchalantly. “Smash the gems.” The guards smash the gems with the side of their great axes, to the horror of the dragon.

“Wha- but- NO!!!” He yells as he’s dragged off. I smile as I look at the shattered pieces.

“Man, think we could put those on the chandelier?” I ask. Bones grunts.

“Erm, my lord, I know we’re on a budget, but let’s reserve some dignity please,” he says. I sigh.

“Alright, fine. Clean it up. Turn it into glitter or something,” I say, disinterested. Bones salutes me and runs off to get a pan and duster. I smile a bit as I look around again. “Now, let’s wrap this up guys, I’ve got a to-go order at Wendi’s.” The remaining dogs salute and hurry out to prepare. No princesses to hinder me, no ponies forcing their friendship on me, all is right with the- my internal monologue’s interrupted by a loud crash. I cover my eyes and feel bits of glass hit my sleeves before looking over it and seeing the absolute tragedy that is now my throne room. I can see Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. Strange, pretty sure I threw them into a never-ending soul-stairwell or something. Though, Rarity’s out-cold for some reason. Must’ve fainted from the Beholder I placed there. With how many eyes it has, I’m wondering why Fluttershy didn’t pass out.

“Anonymous!” The Booksmart Brat yells. “Your tyranny and- wait, where’s Spike?” She stops to look around before noticing the smashes crystals/gems/whatever the fuck they are on the ground. The other five ponies around her follow her gaze and gasp dramatically.

“What the buck!? Is that our Elements of Harmony!?” Rainbow yells, flying over. “These- these were-“

“What did you do to Spike!?” Twilight yells.

“Who? The dragon?” I ask.

“Anon, he’s the only dragon you know,” Applejack deadpans.

“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I particularly care,” I retort. “Anyway, I sent the literal bastard down the dungeons. Didn’t feel like dealing with him personally.”

“You’re horrible!” Fluttershy yells.

“I’M horrible!?” I yell. I throw a hand to the table and chandelier they’ve crashed on. “YOU BROKE MY GOD DAMN TABLE!!! I PAID A FORTUNE FOR THAT TABLE!!!” Rainbow looks at the table and furrows her brow. She hovers over to it, picking up some red and green crystals, connected by wire.

“Are these... Hearthswarming lights?” She asks.

“Don’t bash me for the stupid lights, they were sixty percent off!” I yell. “Y’all just fuckin’ costed me at least half of my budget!” I yell.

“Stop stalling! What are your evil plans!?” Twilight yells.

“It’s none of y’all’s damn business- BONES!!!” I yell. His golden helmeted head leans into view. “They just broke the fucking table! How much did that cost us!?”

“Uh- I dunno, let me check with Retch!” Bones yells, before disappearing from view.

“Will you forget about the stupid table, we’re going to stop you with the power of friendship!” Twilight declares.

“Yeah! And we’ll take your meanie butt down!” Pinkie adds.

“Oh cry me a river,” I say, lifting my hand and glaring at them. I snap, springing lightning from the ceiling into Twilight. Her hair’s comically puffed up, and she falls down, unconscious, as everyone else stares in shock.

“Wha- WHEN THE BUCK DID YOU CONTROL LIGHTNING!?!?” Rainbow yells.

“Black Friday sales at Walcart, before the reckoning! You’d be surprised by how many voodoo-books are on sale!” I yell triumphantly. I snap again, and lightning strikes Rainbow, causing her to fall to the ground.

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Pinkie yells. I snap and electrify her too.

“Now wait an apple-pickin’ minute, you’re supposed to let us give a speech about-“ I interrupt Applejack with lightning.

“U-um-“ I zap Fluttershy. Rarity, slowly getting up and blinking, looks around.

“... How did I get here-“ I zap Rarity and her British-speakin’ ass. I sigh as I see that every pony’s out cold and in a pile.

“.... BOOOOONES!!!” I yell. A moment of silence hangs in the air, until the slow putter-patter of feet get louder and louder. Finally, Bones skids to a halt before entering the room.

“Yes lord?” He asks.

“... What’s the cost of the table and chandelier?” I ask. He sighs.

“Erm, about five thousand bits sir,” he says. I drop to my knees, as shock runs through me.

“... NOOOOOOOOO!!!” I yell, slamming my fists into the floor, causing a shockwave of electricity. I look at my expertly crafted table in sorrow. For I have won, but at what cost?

“Well- my lord- don’t fret, I believe there’s still a warranty in place on it,” Bones says. I perk up, smiling.

“Really!? Yes! Hurry, we might have time to fix it!” I yell, scrambling to get up and run out. “Retch! Wherever you are, find the table’s warranty! Bones, take the ponies to the dungeons! I’ve got shit to fix!” With that, Bones sighs, picking up three of the ponies with one arm.

“Frank! I need help over here!” Bones yells.

“Yes Bowss!” Frank says, suddenly behind Bones, scaring him.

“Celestia’s sake- how many times did I tell you not to do that!?” Bones yells...

Spike grunts as he’s being dragged to the dungeons by a gruff iron-clad diamond dog. “You still won’t get away with this! The princesses would never allow-“

“Spike, is that you?” A confused, motherly voice asks. Spike looks over to see a “cell”, where the bars are iron, the floor is... carpeted? The walls have a fresh coat of blue paint on them, with various pictures and shelves set up, holding movies, books, and even a tea set. A small table sits in the middle, with the two Equestrian princesses sitting together with cups of tea in their magical grasp. The room is illuminated by several scented candles. Spike thinks it smells like Lavender.

“Princess Celestia? Princess Luna!? W-what are you-“ Spike feels his confusion grow even more as the diamond dog gently sets him in the cell before closing the door, locking it. “What’s going on?”

“Hm? This?” Luna asks, gesturing to the room. “Early retirement.” Celestia sighs.

“What she means is, we’re here on our own accord,” Celestia says. Spike raises an eyebrow.

“But, Anonymous said he foal-napped you?” Celestia giggles.

“He did, but he convinced us to stay. No politics, no nobles, all I have to do is raise and lower the sun and ‘chill’ as he says.” Luna nods, sipping her cup.

“We can leave when we want,” she says.

“So, why haven’t you? Equestria has been taken over by Anonymous! We don’t know what he’s gonna-“

“He’s going to reinstate Black Friday sales,” Celestia interrupts. “Oh, and control the government, but that’s more of an after thought.”

“But- I don’t-“ Spike sputters.

“Come, sit down, enjoy some tea,” Luna says.

“Anon broke the elements of harmony!” Spike blurts out.

“... That is a little worrisome... oh well, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Celestia says nonchalantly. “These things have a way of sorting themselves out anyway.”

“So... Anonymous won?” Spike asks dejectedly. “The villain won?”

“Villain? Oh please,” Luna scoffs. “He’s not much of a villain as he is an annoyance.”

“I just don’t... This doesn’t make any sense! Why take over Equestria for some stupid sale!?” Spike asks.

“Well, we think that’s why he’s doing all this. We aren’t entirely sure,” a Celestia notes. “... Spike, what all has Anonymous done?”

“Uh, he’s taken a bunch of towns by force, he destroyed an orphanage for puppies, made a bunch of ponies jobless-“ as Spike keeps listing off the horrible deeds, Celestia and Luna’s eyes widen. “... Aaaaaand, he started taxing hay.”

“... He certainly never told us this,” Luna says.

“Woo!” A new voice yells. The diamond dogs guarding the cell salute as I walk by, and stop in front of the bars. “Let me tell ya, worst heart attack ever. Ya know, your asshole of a student just destroyed my throne-table, and-“

“Anon, you’ve destroyed an orphanage? Of puppies no less!” Luna yells, getting up. I groan.

“For the last time, those puppies don’t pay, those puppies I’ll slay,” I explain.

“Pay what!?” Spike asks.

“Taxes,” I state.

“Wha- puppies don’t pay taxes!” Luna yells.

“Yeah, it was a big problem,” a diamond dog says.

“Wait, why are you okay with this?” Celestia asks.

“I pay taxes, children pay taxes. Circle of life,” he answers. The diamond dog next him nods. “Leader smart. Puppies have more gems. Has to pay like everyone else now.” I give a smirk, knowing that my genius must be showing right now.

“What about hay? Why did you tax hay?” Celestia asks.

“If they eat hay, then they gotta pay,” I say simply. Luna squints her eyes.

“Are all your taxes based on rhymes?” She asks.

“Only the good ones,” I say. “The bad ones get taxed.”

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this?” Celestia asks. I smile.

“Well, you see, I was using an advanced tactic there, called lying,” I answer.

“You need to be stopped,” Luna says, stepping up. She reaches for the door, but her hoof gets zapped. She falls to the floor, shaking as electricity continues running through her.

“Yeah, I also lied about the whole, ‘you can leave if you want’ thing,” I comment.

“Lord Anon is smort,” a dog says. The other dog bonks his head.

“It’s smert, not smort!” He yells.

“It’s smart, you’re both idiots,” I deadpan. I turn to the princesses and dragon. “Welp, I wanted to rub it in your face. Mission accomplished. See ya, I’ve got a country to rule with an iron-zappy fist.” I turn to leave, only to stop when Spike yells.

“Where’s Twilight!? What did you do to her and her friends!?” He yells. I sigh.

“Oh, you wanna know? I sent them to nonya,” I say. Spike squints.

“...What’s nonya?”

“Nonya damn business Bitch,” I say, laughing at the wordplay. I feel a tap to my shoulder, and I look over to see a nervous dog. “What? I’m in the middle of poking fun at my captives.”

“The ponies escaped,” he whispers. I stare at him for a second. I curl my hands into fists as electricity courses through me, lashing into the air around me. The dog backs up a bit.

“... They, fuckin’, WHAT!?!?” I yell.

“Erm, Frank-“ I throw my head back as I yell.

“FRAAAAANK!!!”

“Yes Boss!” Frank says behind me, saluting. I whip around and glare daggers into him.

“When did he get there?” Celestia asks herself.

“HOW DID THEY ESCAPE!?!?” I yell. Frank shrugs. “Bitch, I need a bit better than I DON’T KNOW!!!” Frank thinks back to thirty minutes ago...

Thirty minutes ago...

Twilight and her friend look around their dark, wet, and uncomfortable concrete cell. Rarity was filled in on what happened, but Twilight’s still in disbelief. “I can’t believe he didn’t divulge his evil plan!” Twilight yells. The diamond dog guarding them, Frank, hits the iron bars and gives a short screech.

“He’s such a jerk,” Rainbow Dash mutters. “I can’t wait to knock his-“

“REEEEEEEEE!!!” Frank yells. The diamond dog next to him sighs.

“Why am I always next to Frank?” He asks himself. He furrows his brow. “Wait- what’s that smell?” He sniffs some more before turning to Frank. “Ew, you’re filthy. When did you clean yourself?”

“... Can I have a soap pls?” He asks. The diamond dog rolls his eyes and walks out.

“Sure, if that’s what’ll get me away from you...” As he walks off, Pinkie sighs.

“And here, I was gonna use this McDon’s gift card today after we won!” She says sadly. Frank’s eyes shoot open and he latches onto the bars.

“HAMBURGER PLS!!!” He yells, scaring everyone away, with Fluttershy jumping behind Applejack. Rarity suddenly gets an idea.

“Uh, darling, do you want the gift card?” She asks, stepping forward.

“YES BOSS!!!” He replies. Rarity holds a hoof out to Pinkie, who catches on and hands her the gift card from her mane. Frank’s mouth waters as he thinks of the hamburger he’ll get.

“How does a gift card for a key sound?” Rarity asks coyly. Frank’s practically throws the key at them, to which Rarity catches with her magic. She levitates the card to Frank, who takes it and runs out in a hurry. He can’t wait to get a kid’s toy with his meal!

Present

“... Bowss, I have a the cancer,” Frank responds. I face palm.

“Right, you can’t even talk right to begin with, why the fuck would I ask you,” I say. I turn to the princesses and dragon. “You fuckers better not escape, I put a lot of money into this cell.” With that, I leave to plan out what I’m gonna do to those meddling ponies. But first, I have a to go order at the local Wendi’s. I smile wickedly, knowing none shall stand in the way of my path to a 2 for 5 bit meal deal at Wendi’s... wait. I frown and look at the time, panic coming over me. No. I feel tears fall down my face. They always give away the food after thirty minutes. It’s been an hour. I fall the floor, tears streaming now.

“Dammit all... DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!” I yell, pain and suffering coming down on me as I realized I just lost five entire bits worth of food. Five bits I’m not getting back. In the end, I’ve won in taking over Equestria, but I must ask myself this: at what cost?...

Author's Note

The villain has won... Continue?
(Insert comment to continue the story)

Epilogue: The Hard Fought Victory

I sigh as I zap the generator in the Super-Awesome-Ultra-Castle-(of)-Excellencey!... also known as S.A.U.C.E. For kicks, some of my diamond dog guards call it the Hot SAUCE. I zap the generator myself to save on electricity. Seriously, electric powers are cool. “Okay Bones, what’s today’s deal?” I ask tiredly. “More importantly, how’s our budget?” I ask this as I close the wooden door labeled as ‘royal garbage disposal’, masking the generator’s presence.

“Let’s see, um,” Bones, sitting at the newly-refurnished-throne-table, flips through the lists he has in front of him. “There’s a super-evil meeting at five in the afternoon, to which you cancelled but plan to attend anyway for... whatever reason. Next, you plan to bring out a thunder storm to scare ponies into mining faster, or else you’ll zap the rails and electrocute any pony daring to laze around and play with mine carts, around noon. And finally-“ Bones is interrupted by a brick being thrown through a window, with the sounds of screaming, shouting and rioting. “The uh insurgency matter you scheduled to deal with a little before noon.” I groan out loud as I see him look up to deadpan at me.

“I’ll deal with it,” I say, stopping him from saying anything. He nods.

“Oh, and revising pay raises for your guards,” he says. I smile.

“Ah yes, revising the pay raise for-“ I shoot a glare at him and quickly rush to the table, slamming (gently) my fist onto it, shooting electricity everywhere. “Do I look like I was born yesterday!?” Bones sighs, unaffected by my rage.

“Worth a try,” he mutters.

“You know as well as anyone that the deal was ‘if it was smooth sailing, I’ll double it.’ However, given how you mutts managed to fuck up handling SIX GOD-FORSAKEN-SIMPLE-MUD-IN-THE-STICKS-PONIES,” I hold up a finger. “CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN HOW I’M AN ASS,” I hold up another. “Oh and who could forget NO NUT NOVEMBER!?!?” I yell, holding up the rest of my fingers. Bones, unflinching, nods.

“Fair point,” he says. “But No Nut November wasn’t my fault, that just kinda happened on it’s own.” I sigh.

“Look, tell you what. I’ll give you and your forces a raise if you can-“ The the window bursts as Rainbow Dash crashes through. She almost crashes into the table, but a field shows itself as she gets near. She hits it, and I can see brief fear in her eyes before the field bounces back and launches her out the same window. “... Anyway, as I was saying,” I start. “I’ll give you a raise if you can capture them again. Start with that annoying pest Rainbow Crash.”

“It’s Dash,” Bones corrects.

“And I don’t care,” I say. I walk over to the window, noting how the riot has quieted down a bit. The ponies all stare at a wounded Rainbow Dash. “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT BITCH!?!? MAGICAL COUNTER AGAINST PHYSICAL FORCES!!!” I yell. “AND FOR YOU WRETCHED RIOTERS-“ I throw up a hand and lightning strikes a random pony. “LOITER ANY LONGER AND I’LL ELECTROCUTE YOU ALL!!!” The mass of ponies scramble to run in separate directions as I laugh. I turn around and notice a shadow on the other window across from me. I frown. It crashes, with Applejack flying in. However, just like Rainbow, she almost hits the table, but the enchantment catches her and yeets her the fuck out. “Are they aiming for my fucking table?” I ask. Bones shrugs.

“It’s how I’d piss you off,” he says. Suddenly, a flash blinds me.

“GOD FUCKING-“ I turn away to rub my eyes.

“It’s over Anonymous! Your reign of- where’s Rainbow and Applejack?” Twilight looks around as I turn around and shoot lightning at them. Twilight’s quick, and shields herself... leaving the rest of her friends, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rairty to suffer the electrocution. She furrows her brow. “You won’t get away with this! I’ll beat you with the power of friendship!” She yells.

“And I’ll stop you with the power of-“ I stop and pull out a pistol. “-this gun I found!” I fire the pistol, hitting her right foreleg. She screams in pain, falling over.

“What the buck!?” She yells. “Why do you have a gun!?”

“Can’t rely on electricity all the time. Besides, I got this in the local black market on sale, so I wanted to make sure it works,” I say. Her horn starts to glow, but I shoot her other leg, causing her to stop and scream. Bones furrows his brow as he looks over.

“What the- there’s no blood boss!” He says.

“Of course there isn’t. What, you thought we had the money for real bullets?” I ask. Bones walks over and picks up a rubber bullet. “Just because they’re cheaper doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.”

“But... but they aren’t,” Bones says.

“... What?” I ask.

“Rubber is kind of expensive in quantities. How many did you buy?” Bones asks. I look at my gun, and think of the armory’s amount of ammunition.

“... GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!” I yell, falling to my knees.

“... Should we take the ponies to the-“

“OF FUCKING COURSE YOU DOLT!!!” I yell, sending sparks of electricity everywhere as I glare at him. “GET WRETCH AND THAT DIMWIT TO- no, forget Frank, he-“

“Yes boss?” Frank says behind me, making me jump.

“Why are you here?” I ask, growling a bit.

“... Hamburger pls?” He asks.

“You know damn well why I am not going to give you a hamburger,” I say, causing him to shrink a bit.

“... I have a da cancer,” he says.

“GO BACK TO YOUR POST BEFORE I NEUTER YOU!!!” I yell, causing him to yip and scramble off. I turn back and walk to my throne, which finally has a massage setting. I sit down, tap a button, and it starts shaking. I sigh a bit, letting the chair do it’s work.

“Monster!” Twilight yells, grabbing my attention. I look over and see her glaring at me, with a magic concealing ring. It stops her from using magic. “Why? Why did you do any of this!?” She yells.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I ask. “My goals are beyond your understanding.” She huffs as she’s taken away. I look up, relaxing in the chair. Now that I think about it, why did I start all this? I know there was a goal in mind, but what was it?

Five Months Ago...

I grumble as I feel Twilight poke me. “Anon. Anon, I need some money.” I look over in my bed, keeping the fluffy sheets around me.

“For what?” I ask irritably.

“I want to go to McDon’s, and they have a sale on Big Mac’s Big Macs,” she says.

“Is it a good sale?” I ask tiredly.

“It’s two for ten bits,” she says.

“... for two Big Macs?” I ask.

“No, for two Big Mac meals,” she says. I sigh.

“Fine. But I better get the other one. I’m hungry.” Twilight rolls her eyes and opens my nightstand’s drawers.

“Anon, given how you’re living in my castle for free, I think I should be taking your money anyway,” she says.

“And yet, I’m paid ten bits for two hours,” I grumble.

“Then quit that job,” she says. She looks at the money in my drawer, which is around twenty bits, and hums to herself. “Hey, I’mma grab some bits to get Spike a Big Mac too, that okay?” I grumble an affirmative.

“Just pay me back tomorrow,” I say. She rolls her eyes and walks away with the money. I sigh. She’s a bit bitchier today.

It’s been a day. I sigh as I look into my drawer. She hasn’t paid me back in full. “Hey Twilight!” I call. Her head pops into my room. “You gonna pay me back?” I ask.

“I did,” she says. I blink.

“... You’re missing six bits,” I say.

“Well, that was used for your own meal. I used the sale for me and Spike,” she says.

“But... I asked for it first,” I say.

“Well, you live here for free, so I don’t think six bits will really-“

“YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY!!!” I yell, gathering up my money. “YOU WILL PAY FOR STEALING!!! I SWEAR IT!!!”

“Anon, it’s six bits,” Twilight deadpans. “What were you going to use it for?”

“Fuckin’ massage chair Twilight! This castle’s missing a god damn massage chair!” I yell. “Ain’t no way royalty can’t afford a fuckin’ massage chair!” With that, I walk out the door.

Present

I hum as I remember this flashback. “... It’s time for me to collect,” I say. “In. Fucking. Full.”

“Sir?” Bones asks, making me jump.

“What the- why aren’t you detaining the ponies!?” I yell.

“But... I did,” he says.

“... Oh... Right...” I awkwardly rub the back of my neck, turning off my massage chair. “... Welp, let’s go visit the ponies. It’s time they pay,” I say, glaring at the wall ahead of me.

Twilight perks up seeing me walk down. “Anon, this time, you’ll-“

“It’s time for payback Twilight Sparkle,” I say, electricity running through me. “I intend to get every last ounce of payback.”

“Do your worst,” she says, glaring.

“... What?” I ask. “What do you mean ‘Do your worst’? I’m not a tax collector, I just want my six bits!” I yell. To this, Bones blinks and looks at me in total confusion.

“... Are you bucking kidding me Anon?” She asks. “THIS is what your villainy has been about!? Six bits!? You’ve committed atrocities, for-“

“The value of six bits,” I say.

“... HOW DID WE LOSE TO YOU!?!?” Twilight asks.

“By being stupid, now give me my money!” I yell.

“Wait, boss, is all this really worth-“

“IT’S THE PRINCIPLE BONES!!! NOW GIVE ME SIX BITS YOU GREEDY BITCH!!!” I yell.

“... Will you let us go if I do?” She asks.

“Fuck no, I’m going to make sure this shit never happens again,” I say.

“How?” She asks.

“Destroying the root of the problem,” I growl.

“... No,” Twilight says, confusing Bones.

“Sir, what are you-“

“I’m gonna destroy McDon’s,” I say. He simply stares at me incredulously. No doubt because of my big brain.

“... Buck it, I’m not paid to be smart,” Bones says.

“Anon, you cannot seriously be-“

“Does this look like a fucking game?” I ask the lavender magical unicorn princess of friendship.

“... I keep my money in a safe in my room. It’s Celestia’s birthday,” she says, sighing.

“Now, was that so hard?” I ask. “My plans will come to fruition soon, and not only will I finally pay the diamond dogs, but the world will be amazed by my rule.”

I keep a smile on as the local McDon’s burns to the ground. I got a self-made permit and Bones granted it. “Alright sir, which McDon’s is next?” He asks. I give him a confused look.

“What? Why would I destroy any other McDon’s?” I ask. He blinks.

“But, lord, you said-“

“I said I was getting rid of the root of the problem. No root, no problem,” I say, causing him to look at me in astonishment. “I won Bones. You and your forces are free to go after I pay your dues.” I turn around and start walking back to my castle.

“But- but your castle, your status, your powers-“

“I counted the money you all gave it to me, I paid for all of it, it’s all legally mine,” I say. “I paid for the damages I caused, hence why we’re always on a budget. Everything I’ve changed is directly owned by me now. Except you and your people of course.” Bones stops following me and stares at me as I keep walking off.

“... YOU DID ALL THIS FOR SIX BITS AND A MCDON’S!?!?” Bones yells. Without looking, I give him a thumbs up. He sputters as he takes off his helmet. His entire career has started... for the sole purpose... of destroying a McDon’s establishment... and six bits... He laughs a bit, shaking his head before putting the helmet back on and running towards me. “Wait sir!” He calls...

One Week Later...

The now-free ponies and royalty look at my looming castle in disbelief. They still can’t get over the fact that they legally cannot tear it down. However, they’re more worried about the patrolling diamond dog guards still roaming around. I walk by them with my mail, whistling. “Anon!” Princess Celestia calls, drawing my attention.

“What?” I ask.

“Why do you still have guards?” She asks.

“Because, one, they think I’m a good leader, two, I manage their expenses and I became their legal counselor. And finally, because we kinda grew close in the past five months,” I answer simply.

“Why... Why did you take over Equestria, and then drop it all a week ago on purpose!?” Luna asks.

“I got what I wanted. I don’t want more than that,” I say simply. I smile at them and continue my walk back to the castle as the ponies gawk at me.

“... Twilight, remember to never borrow his money again,” Rarity says. “If he did all that for six bits, I don’t want to know what he’d do for better reasons...” All the ponies look at the dark, ominous castle, patrolled by many armored diamond dogs, knowing an evil genius lives there. An evil genius who’s won, and didn’t want to ruin the world.

The End-

“Hey Boss!” Frank yells, catching me as I internally monologued.

“Oh for the love of- what Frank!?” I yell. He pulls out a Burger Queen Whopper, offering it. I sigh. “... Alright, I can’t stay mad at you forever,” I say, patting his head and taking the whopper. He smiles and salutes before running off. I sit in my massage chair-throne and take out the newspaper. Its headline reads ‘Evil Villain Wins, Stops Tyranny?’

“Um, lord Anon?” Bone asks. I look over to see my golden-clad right-hand-dog. “Whatever did you do to tell the ponies you sent to the mines to come back?” I blink, and silence reigns in the throne room. “... You did tell them you weren’t going to electrify them, right?” I clear my throat and pull out a newspaper, flipping to a random page to try and ignore Bones. “...Did you even check on them after you stepped down?!” He asks with genuine worry.

“That’s more of the ponies’ problem. I don’t think they want me to do anything for a while,” I say. Bones sighs, before giving a short laugh.

“Well, if you need me, I’m going to go watch Scubbah Dubbah Doo. Fascinating cartoon,” he says. With that, he walks off as I enjoy my burger in massaging-bliss-peace.

Author's Note

The Heroes have failed... Good Ending.

Author’s note: Fuck it- we’ve made it this far- LET’S SHOOT FOR FEATURED BOIS/GURLS!!!