Hypocrisy is the Worst Policy

by Captain McMuffin

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6651

Acrophobia is a problem for me, and now I have to live with it. Damn wings. I can't use you either!

So you're probably wondering, "Hey Mr. White Skies, who are you?" Well you see, I'm now a pegasus pony who used to be a human that suffered from acrophobia, or fear of heights. And falling. And splatting into the ground after a very unfortunate incident involving planes, defunct parachutes, and a terrible jump instructor.

It's a HiE turned Pony story, so it's not very original in that sense. But I figured how would a human adapt to depending on the one thing that he fears the most?

Some minor language in the prolouge, but the rest is mostly clean.

Edit: The feelsy-romance-y stuff is in the Interludes, told from a 3rd POV. Skip em if you want, it's not crucial to the plot.

Published 2012-09-03 03:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-26 02:59:37 UTC

To Die, To Confuse

The straps on my outfit were too damn tight, but the adrenaline coursing through me negated those thoughts. The helmet fastened on my head couldn’t keep my smile from reaching ear to ear. How many chances do you have to jump out of a plane thousands of feet in the air and get legally blasted later that night with your best friends? Ah, the miracles of a twenty first birthday. Drinking and partying and being able to actually do everything that you’re supposed to do when you’re eighteen and an “adult.”

I’ve been what most people consider a fairly normal guy, spending most of my time studying, having a few friends to go out with on the weekends to have some fun. My main hobby was writing, and creating things to show to other people, both in person, published, and anonymously. Well, as anonymously as you can get nowadays on the internet. More than once I was tempted to go off the grid, but the digital landscape was too much of a draw.

Roller coasters. Roller coasters used to stress me out so much that even being near a line for one would send me into a frenzy to grab an ice cream cone or a funnel cake or whatever else carnival eateries serve. I got over that a few years back, but that feeling still came over me time and time again whenever I would go to an amusement park. The same feeling was trying to take over now, but I was still grinning like an idiot.

At 10,000 feet.

With a parachute.

About to jump out of a plane going over three hundred miles per hour.

...

Okay, maybe I was a tad apprehensive, but hey, what would you do the first time you jumped out of a plane?

Anyhow, I was up there after a long, mostly wordless flight. The nervous atmosphere was so thick you could cut it like a knife through scrib jelly. I love the Elder Scrolls games. In fact, I love most video games that let you do whatever you want within reason, and even those that don’t. So maybe I let some references into my vernacular, but it’s just too easy and fun to make people double take. Wait, what were we talking about, something about nervousness and rambling about rando-

Okay, I was scared. There you go.

I’m an acrophobic, and I was nearly pissing myself from fright. That smile wasn’t from happiness; that was just my body trying to reassure my concerned friends. They knew I was afraid of heights, but they figured that since I was all “safe and secure” with my parachute, I would be less afraid. Yeah, right, but it was too late to back out now. I was in this to win this. Or have a heart attack, I forget which one came first.

Realization dawned on me; I had conquered my fear of roller coasters just a few years before by jumping right in, like my friends had suggested. I love roller coasters now, and here I was in the same situation where I just need to get the worst out of the way and enjoy it. But this definitely was not something I terribly wanted to do.

As I was lost in my thought, the instructor turned towards us and shouted over the roar of the air and engines of the flight. “Alright, birthday boy goes first! Remember to just lean out and push off with your feet! Chin up, arms and legs out and in the correct position!” Yes, this was drilled into my head already, but thank you for your concern anyways.

“800 meters, pull that cord, got it?” I nodded, a look of trepidation on my face. “Alright, step up and get ready!” He opened the door and I crouched in front of it.

Wow, that’s a long fall. Really long fall.

With that, I pushed off and started to sky dive. Falling through the air was terrifying and gratifying, both at the same time somehow. The horizon had a curvature that I never thought I would see without sitting on my rear and watching it on the Discovery channel or something.

I felt oddly at peace as I fell through the sky, becoming one with the air, gravity and the Earth’s natural beauty as a whole. I wanted to just float there and look out at the view I had so generously been given by my trolling, yet caring, friends.

I pulled myself out of the trance and glanced at my altimeter, making sure I was safe. I guess I could pull at 1000 meters, just to be safe. I was surprised I hadn’t pulled it earlier, seeing how I fucking HATE falling and heights and such. I was honestly surprised that I was allowing my self-loathing to come out in such a sudden manner.

Gripping the cord on my chest, I prepared for a sudden jerk and then a slow descent to the ground below me that I had gazed upon so wonderingly. With what would have been a sight on the ground without my face melting, I pulled the cord and prepared for the sudden jerking back of the chute.

An obviously audible click was heard, and I was startled. Might need to pull harder the second time.

Nothing. Pretty sure that’s supposed to be a nice fwip and then thump, then slow moving towards the ground I thought, being a wise ass.

My mind just froze as I feel through the air. What do you think when you realize you’re about to die? I checked my altimeter and I felt ice falling into my stomach and the blood leave my head. 800 meters. Well looks like you can't trust the system, man!

I started to panic, the sarcasm and cynicism just seconds ago clouding my thoughts gone, my mind going into massive overdrive. I thought at a million miles a second and started panicking a lot more than I thought possible. Every single moment of my life flashed through my head. Then I stopped and thought.

So your life actually DOES flash before your eyes before you die.

And then I flipped back over so the wind was out of my face. I checked my altimeter. 500 meters. With that I started screaming, but it was too late. My friends had pulled their chutes, and I was left to fall to my death.

I was thoroughly pissed off at life, and my predicament, and my friends for pulling me along on this stupid trip. Then I thought about life. About my family, about my idiots of friends, about that one girl at the counter of that one store… Which one was it? Oh well. Blah blah blah something philosophical about life and my time being now and shit. Whatever. This sucks, so I’ll be honest about the one thought I had before I died.

It was fun while it lasted.

/thread

And then I hit the ground.

My conscious thought came back to me suddenly, and I tried to open my eyes. Nothing felt real, but everything felt alive at the same time. Darkness, the space of nothing, zilch, nada, filled my... vision? Gazing downward I found my body to be gone, and nothing hurt.

Nothing hurts...

Even though I felt like a floating cloud of consciousness and nothingness, I began to feel a presence wrap itself around me, like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. The euphoric feelings passed over me like waves, over and over and over again, until I felt like I couldn't be any better off in these depths of a vast nothing.

Off in the (relative) distance, another... something came into being. The warmth was soon gone, and I felt a freezing feeling spread throughout the... dreamscape, I guess you would call it. As the something grew larger and more present, a sudden feeling of burning, tearing, and searing hot pain ran through my mind and everything felt like an event horizon opened up and began to swallow me up.

I began to tumble towards the vast space, and as I was strewn apart and pieced back together, the pain only became greater and greater. A light at the end drew me in and soon-

My eyes shot open and I was greeted by the clear blue above me. No clouds, not a single speck to ruin the view I had. My brain jolted back to itself and I flailed around helplessly, screaming and crying out as my final moments came rushing back like the wind in my fa-

"NO! STOP! BUCK OFF!"

The yell echoed around wherever the hay I was, and that brought me back to reality. I scanned the surroundings to see if I could get my bearings from them.

Trees. Lots of trees, some with apples on them, some bare, some covered in late summer/early fall coloured leaves. The grass was fairly tall, maybe three or four inches, the various flowers and thistles and such were strewn about and plentiful in shape, size and scent. Some hills were off in the distance, far away from where I was, covered in the perfect green grass all around me.

"Where the hay am I?" My amazed mumbling was cut off by the sound of running hooves(?) coming towards where I was, the leaves and twigs rustling and breaking under the trampling.

When I tried to get up, my body let me push my forehooves to the ground and I fell as I stood up. The sight that greeted me as I glanced at my lower body sent me over the edge.

"What the hay? What happened to my body!?" Frantically spinning my head around to and fro... "Help! Somethings wrong here!" The hoofsteps(!) got closer, and as it drew my attention, the sight that greeted me was unlike anything I had or ever will see again.

An yellow horse thing with a tie in it's pink hair stared at me, and I stared back. Looking back down at my body, and then back up, my mind began to peter out, the fumes it was running on turned into jelly.

"Uhm... are you alright mister?"

That thing just spoke to me.

And that's when I promptly passed out.

A Warm, Homegrown Welcome to a Technicolour Queendom!

Of Hayshakes, Veggie Burgers and Crazy Winged Stallions

I felt the warm glow of the sun on my face as I woke up. The oranges and yellows of the morning light filled my blurry vision and I sighed in contentment. Everything was nice and familiar, comfortable and welcoming. What a crazy dream... Too tired to get up, I just snuggled closer to my pillow and held it closely. So warm, so soft. It was nice, a welcome relaxation after such a crazy nightmare.

My hooves refused to cling or move at all. Wait, hooves? My eyes shot open and saw the truth in the morning light. Not only was it just barely light out, I was snuggling up to Applejack. That would explain the orange and yellow. I retracted my wings and hooves and scrambled away on the bed. The movement woke her up. Oh, buck. She stretched and turned back over to me. "Mornin' sugarcube. Sleep well?"

I just sighed and nodded. I did feel a lot better than I had the night before, but my hopes were shattered and I had to just keep on moving and pick up the pieces. So the dream was real, and I had indeed died and been brought, for whatever bucking reason, to Equestria. As a pony. One with wings, at that. "Yeah, I slept well. I just thought it was all a crazy dream..." Sorrow dripped from my voice, but she must not have noticed.

Instead, she just smirked. "What, yer disappointed a mare got ya to sleep in her bed? Maybe Pinkie was right..." Snickering, she slid out from the covers and planted her hooves on the floor.

It took me a minute to realize what she was implying with that joke, but then I just chuckled. "Can't say I've ever slept with somepony else naked. Or of a different species." Wow, I'm pretty sure that was really bucking ignorant. Thanks, brain.

However, she just snorted and shook her head. "Yet a weird fella, White Skies."

Yeah, I know. Thanks. "So, what are we doing for breakfast? I'm pretty darn hungry."

She tapped her chin with a forehoof a few times, then her face lit up. "Ah know, why don't ah take ya to brunch with the girls! We were plannin' on it for a few weeks now."

I thought about it for a moment. Food was tempting, but I couldn't pay for it. On the other hoof, I could have a chance to  meet this Twilight mare. "Yeah, I think I could go for that. But how the hay am I going to pay for it? What do ponies even use for money around here?"

She waved it off with her hoof. "No can do, sugarcube. Ya ain't payin'. Yer our guest, and until you're decent and set up nice and proper 'round here, yer gonna take our hospitality. Alright?" Argh, that's difficult.

"Ok. Thanks, AJ." That reminded me. "Do you mind me calling you that? Or do you have some other nickname?"

"Nah, I like it. It's easier too, so I'm fine with it." I released a small breath and she looked in the mirror on the wall. "Oh, horseapples, I need to take a shower. Get all that dust and down off me." She blushed and ran quickly into the hallway and to the shower/bathroom.

I was left confused as to why she was embarrassed, then i just decided I would ask somepony else about it. My mind wandered as I began examining my own form. The wings I had only recently acquired were probably the most alien and unwelcome, but interesting, change. The sky blue of my whole coat faded into white along the wings and feathers. White Skies. Makes sense, I guess. The feathers looked a tad rustled, so I tried to shake my wings vigorously, just to straighten 'em out.

First I tried to lift them with my own thoughts. That didn't work, so I relaxed and just thought about shaking the wings. They pushed violently downward. A sudden gust of wind from my own darn wings sent me flying out the window and belly flat on the ground outside.

Groaning and eyes rolling, I stood up on my legs and stumbled towards the front door. After shaking my head to clear my vision, I raised a forehoof and knocked on the wooden door. After a few seconds, Applebloom opened the door.

"How the haaaaAppleoosa did you end up outside?"

I just walked inside and back up to AJ's room. The filly didn't need anymore firepower in her fits of laughter and embarrassment of me. I got to Applejack's room and found the door open. She was drying herself frantically when I knocked on the door frame. She spun around in a manner only a pony could pull off and looked at the dusty, ruffled pegasus in front of her. "What the- How the hay-"

"Mother bucking wings." With that, I nodded toward the hall and asked, "So, we going to breakfast yet?"

She just nodded and smiled. "Yeah, but not while ya look like that! Yall're welcome to usin' mah shower, if ya want. And I think ya may want to," she added, waving a hoof in front of her nose.

A shower. That did sound really nice right about now. Warm water cascading down my body, washing away all the grime and dirt... "Sure, that sounds wonderful." I turned to the bathroom and trotted in. The shower looked like any regular shower back home, except the on button was just that. A button.

"Yall just hit the button. Now, if ya will excuse me, Ah'll just close the door and leave ya to it." The sound of the door's closing click was strange. Why did they close the door for bathing when everypony's naked all the time?

Anyhow, I stepped into the tub and faced the contraption. The slippery floor was throwing me off a little, and I raised my hoof to hit the button. The suds on the floor of the tub made me slip and I lost my balance, but I manged to just fall on my flank instead. "Buck, my flank!"

I heard AJ shout from outside, "Wow, Pinkie was right!"

"Hah, hah! Let me shower in peace!"

I stood back up and hit the button with my hoof, after making sure my hoofing was fine. Immediately, a mass of water poured out of the head and onto my coat. It was perfect temperature and all.

The waterfall washed away my thoughts and fears. All there was in the world was the water on my body and the sound of the drops on the tub's bottom.

Slowly, I sat on my haunches and let the calm and serenity take over. Everything was inconsequential at this point. Nopony could keep me down if I had a shower like this waiting for me at the end of the day. I had reached Nirvana.

I learned the hard way that the water was a timed shutoff, and abruptly my shower was ended, snapping me back to reality. With a heavy sight, I stepped out of the tub and walked towards the door. The mirror, however, caught my eye, and suddenly the calm was replaced with anxiousness.

I'd already seen myself before, but this time I was going to get a good look. For science. Or just curiosity.

Without hesitation, I stepped up to the sink and looked at myself. Compared to the mares I had seen, my facial features were much more squared than theirs. My ears moved separate from my body, flicking with my nervousness. It was still very strange to me, but the worst part was still the wings.

I hate heights, let alone falling. And here I was, stuck with the very things that embodied everything I feared. But instead of fearing the wings, I hated them. I didn't hate them actually. I loathed them. I hated my own form because of how weird it was already, but this was just a ridiculous insult.

Somepony's idea of a joke. Hahaha, it's bucking hilarious. Sicko. Shaking my head, I turned towards the door and stopped.

The doorknob was something ridiculous to get hung up on, so to say. But I had no idea what to do to get myself out of the restroom. I could have called for Applejack, but I didn't want to look any weirder than I already was. Plus, I don't like being treated like a "special needs" pony. Nothing against them, but that's just not necessary in this case. I've got full capabilities and an independent brain, thank you very much.

So then what do I do? I observed the knob closely, examining it very thoroughly. After a minute, AJ knocked, startling me. "Y'all ready ta come out here yet? We've only got twenty minutes ta get there!"

"Yeah, hang on a sec. 'Bout to come out!" I noticed the bite marks on the knob. Oh, buck me...

Ew ew ew ew ew ewewewewew. I'm not a germaphobe in the least, but biting a doorknob that other ponies have mouth-handled? Hay no.

...

...

Alright, I want to get out of here, don't I? Not going to trust my darn wings again.

The knob was easy to grip because of the amount of use it had seen. Forgetting the nature of the object, I accidentally grazed my tongue across it as I opened my mouth around it. The knob tasted like copper and such. It reminded me too much of blood.

Pushing that thought out of my head, I turned the doorknob and pulled the door open. Letting go, I straightened myself and walked out into the hallway. Applejack was leaning herself against the wall, pawing at the ground in boredom. "Hey Applejack. Sorry I took a bit long. Anything we need to do around here before we head out?" I honestly didn't want there to be anything, but I didn't want to be a jerk to her, especially when she's done so much for me.

However, she shook her head, saying, "Nah, we're all set. We'll just dry off on our way there, ah reckon." She straightened herself and stretched her limbs. "Now let's go! We're late enough as it is!" We headed towards the stairs to the living room.

We trotted down to the front door and opened it. She turned back and shouted, "See ya, Granny Smith, Applebloom! Mister Skies and Ah'll be with the girls if ya need us!" Looking back, and with a lower voice, she added, "Ah hope they won't need us. I got plans for today."

Giving her my best 'I-know-how-you-feel' look, we walked out into the beautiful, sunlit Sweet Apple Acres proper. After she had closed the door, we headed out to meet 'the girls'.

This should be something else.

After ten minutes or so, we arrived at Ponyville's main square. Booths with products and some occasional service were put up around the square with a large fountain in the center. Several dozen ponies of all types and colors walked around, purchasing and haggling anything and everything. The colors were almost overloading my eyes, and so many of the alien, yet somehow familiar, ponies was somewhat unnerving. The thatched-roof homes around the square were wide open and some signs on the walls were advertisements.

But I had to do a double take at that. I looked at the sign on one building and looked it over again. Quills and Sofas. No, I wasn't worried about the strange inventory. I could read the sign. It was in wingding-like symbols, and I could tell what it said.

Whatever. this world is weird enough. Just forget about it. We continued walking along, my eyes forward and following along with Applejack. My stomach ached, and i was looking forward to whatever breakfast we were going to have, which reminded me to ask, "So where are we going anyway?"

She looked over at me, smiling, and said, "Well, we're goin' to the Hayshake Café. Hope ya like 'em." She continued on as I processed that phrase. Hayshake... "...with the pancakes, although personally Ah like the-"

"Hold on, Hayshake Café? What's a hayshake?"

Oh boy, I'm just so darn good at getting these perfect reactions out of ponies! The look on her face? Priceless.

"Whadaya mean, 'what's a hayshake'? Yall can't have never had a hayshake before!" At my shaking of the head, she just gasped. "You're in for a surprise, then. Trust me on that." She wrapped a hoof around my neck and began pulling me along, explaining the workings of a hayshake as we went.

Yay, more grass to ruin my pony-anity. Stupid words. Can't say the h-word because of my stupid pony brain. Anyway, we finally got to the building. It looked a lot like a diner, with large glass windows and an open glass double door. The color scheme was very light and friendly, with mid-blues and dark wood furnishes.

After stepping inside, I examined the place further. A nice, clear counter, low to the floor, sat near what must have been the kitchen and in front of a large rack of drinks. The tables were all spread pretty far apart, and it felt very much like a modern restaurant would back home.

There's a word that tugs at your heartstrings. Home. Celestia knows I want to go home...

"Hey, there's everypony else over there, com'on!" She yanked me out of my thoughts and we trotted over to the table the other five mares sat at.

Is that... oh buck. My face flushed and I stopped dead in my tracks. "Uh, AJ, maybe you could stop and explain something real quick?"

She turned around and grew concerned at my facial expression. "Sure thing, wasstha matter?"

I shuffled on my hooves and glanced around, looking everywhere but at the mares. "So when I, uh, had my little episode in the hospital..."

"Oh, we were just worried, is all. Ah mean, Ah did buck ya in the back o' the head. Thy were just keepin' me comforted. Ah felt real lousy 'bout it, and they were just as concerned." Still, I felt really embarrassed. I had balled up like a scared puppy and completely bucking crazy. And they were ALL there to see it! Now wait a sec, my rational brain told me. Applejack didn't make fun of you or anything. You should at least introduce yourself. After all, one of them is the Twilight you're looking for.

So I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding and nodded. "Alright, I can do this. Thanks, AJ." She just patted me on the back (shoulder thing wat) and we trotted over to the table to join the other ponies.

"Hey, y'all!"

"Hey Applejack. This must be Mister Skies." That was the purple mare with the pink in her hair. Next to her was a blue pegasus with an unkempt rainbow mane, followed by a yellow pegasus hiding behind her own pink hair, a white unicorn with long purple hair that probably reeked of hair care products, and then Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Oh, and me.

Back to the pleasantries. "Hey. I, um, am thankful that you girls were that concerned for me. I've never met ponies so friendly and equanthropic." These words. How do I use?

A chorus of "no problems" came from the group, except the blue pegasus, who just snorted and shook her head slightly, earning a glare from the white unicorn. "And thanks for being fine with me being here, too. It's... nice." Smoothest stallion this side of Smoothersville. Or something. Whatever.

The purple unicorn just nodded, smiling. "Well, I'll start with the introductions. I'm Twilight Sparkle, resident librarian and personal student of Princess Celestia." Now I knew who to talk to later, assuming she wasn't busy.

She motioned to the white coated, purple maned mare sitting next to her, who took her cue. "I'm Rarity, fashionista and designer for all ponies from any trot of life!" Rarity began to examine my coat and mane, which was kinda awkward for me, seeing how I was naked and all. She ignored the blush showing through my coat, saying, "Your palette is so... unique. The baby blue of your coat, faded white wings, gorgeous mane... I simply must invite you to get fitted and maybe try on a suit or two!"

Wow, that's the opposite of what I was expecting. "Uh, sure, I guess?"

"Come, ooooooon, Rarity! You don't have to force every new stallion into spending some 'quality time' with your 'suits'. Besides, you're already eating him up with your eyes!" That pleasant little piece of wit came from the cyan tomcolt, which I could guess from the hair and the scratchy voice. Wait, 'quality time with suits'?

However, everypony else got the joke, and the table erupted in laughter. Everypony except the yellow pegasus and Rarity, who just blushed furiously and glared daggers at the pegasus. "I don't take advantage of anypony. That, is, NOT, how a lady acts! It's simply despicable." But her expression changed and she got a coy smile and retorted with, "anyways, you wouldn't know what it's like to be with a stallion."

"Well just because I prefer mares doesn't mean you have to be a complete bit-"

"Girls, stop!" The yellow pony who was just moments ago blushing as hard as Rarity and hiding nearly under the table. Her volume and tone dropped to almost a whisper. "Um, I mean, please stop arguing." And with that the mane was replaced in front of her face and she turned toward me. "Oh, I'm Fluttershy, by the way..."

"Aaaaanways I'm Rainbow Dash. 'Course, you probably know that, considering I AM the fastest flier in Equestria!" She stood on her hind legs and struck a pose, somewhat like showing off her guns, wings flared and all, a mighty and determined look on her face.

"And I'm Pinkie Pie, but you probably remember me from yesterday when I saw you and just HAD to introduce myself so I baked you a crazy-wazey cake, but you didn't get my joke and-" Ew, I know how them hooves taste. Blech. But Pinkie Pie attempted to continue talking around Applejack's hoof. It was pretty hilarious, in retrospect, with her lips moving around on the large object in her mouth like she was an old mare gumming some food, mumbles and grunts escaping through her cheeks.

But at the time, it just looked very uncomfortable for AJ. "Pinkie. Stop talkin'. Please."

She pulled her hoof out and Pinkie smiled sheepishly. "Okie dokie, lokie!" What the hay do legendary gods have to do with okie dokie?

"Anyhow, let's get the our food ordered; Ah'm starvin'!" We all nodded in agreement. Then I realized I was still standing after the scene had unfolded in front of me, and I awkwardly managed to sit on my haunches around the table where the other ponies were. The chairs were low and had a smaller seat, which made sitting a little bit easier. I still feel like a cat, though.

I raised my forehooves up from where I was sitting and dragged myself up onto the chair with much more ease than the night before. Once up, I pulled the menu on the table closer to me and examined it. Again, it was in that weird wingdings language. Milkshake-thing, burger, frie-

"Hayshake with a charbroiled hayburger. That sounds... good?" I had yet another one of those mental conflicts. On one hoof, the idea of eating food made of anything non-edible by what I used to be was somewhat disturbing. On the other hoof, my pony brain and the taste of the grass stew (ewww) for dinner the earlier evening made my mouth water hungrily.

Applejack cut in, with a mock shocked expression on her face. "Oh yeah, Skies here ain't never had a hayshake before. Can ya believe that?" A mixture of gasps 'whats' erupted from all the others mares except Fluttershy, who just had a bewildered look in her eyes. Well, the one eye I could see. "Ah plan on remedyin' that situation today."

I sorta tuned them out, not wanting to get any more embarrassed about the situation. Apparently I was a really weird pony, even by the standards I was starting to feel like they had. They were pretty bucking high standards of weird. "Skies, whatcha gonna order?"

I scanned the menu and got a headache from the amount of unfamiliar deciphering that I did as I read. So eventually I found my earlier selection and pointed a hoof at it. "That hayshake and burger thingamajig. Sounds good, I guess, for grass."

"Technically, hay isn't grass, it's actually a form of dried wheat that is used in..." Twilight started off on some random tangent about food/grass. Something educational, I guess. Oh well, I just nodded every few seconds and waited for the weirdest meal of my lives.

After ten minutes or so, the waiter came back with meals on a platter balanced on her back. I had been content to let the mares catch up with one another about what they'd done since they were all last together. We all got our dishes placed in front of us, starting with me. I jumped as I noticed the bluish white aura surrounding the dishes as they floated down in front of me. Everypony else was unfazed by the whole event, but Applejack leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Magic. Scaredy pony." She snickered at the glare I gave her, then returned to her conversation.

Right, magic. Somepony said something about that yesterday, I think. All breaking of logical physics aside, it was pretty impressive, at least to a non-pony pony like me. My meal sat in front of me, and I examined it like it was an alien specimen. Technically, I was the alien, but all's fair in food and ponies.

The burger looked like any other veggie burger from the outside. Curiosity made me lift up the bun, and I noticed a flower sitting on the patty, along with some tomato and dressing that looked like ranch. The flower could stay, I decided. After all, the grass tasted fine last night.

Too much detail on the burger. So the fries. The fries looked like those veggie tube things from those froo-froo super markets back home. The hayshake, however, actually looked like a mint-green milkshake, with a straw and some bits of hay inside it.

"Well, stop starin' at yer food and take a sip of the shake, Skies." I looked up and noticed the mares sitting at the table were looking at me approvingly, almost expectantly.

"If I hate it, feel free to throw me back in the Everfree." I wrapped my hooves around the glass and pulled it closer to me on the table. I noticed Rainbow Dash giving me a weird look, but whatever. As it neared my muzzle, I brought my lips closer to the straw and took a sip.

My eyes widened and I just let the taste sit in my mouth. Something about it's earthy taste, or the veggie taste, or something made it taste so bucking good. The texture was like any other good milkshake, but the taste. How the hay could I like hay so much?

Oh well. The sip quickly turned into a gulp, and within seconds, the whole shake was gone. Not a trace, besides a few stray bits of hay at the bottom of the glass and some left over foamy residue. I looked up and nodded. "I think I like it."

"Well, duh! Nopony can not like the wonders of the hayshake!" Rainbow Dash frowned a little bit. "But I can't have 'em too often. Flying on a full stomach isn't very fun. Bet you can get that, right?" I sorta froze up at that comment. I hadn't thought much about it, but Rainbow Dash reminded me that I had wings too. If everything ever was on a list, priority-wise, that would be at the bottom.

This pegasus would not fly.

Ever.

"Um, you alright? Skies? Hellooooo, anypony ho-"

"Yeah, ha ha, I'm fine. Just had a little, um, heart burn, yeah!" I stayed tense though. Why the buck couldn't I relax?

Twilight looked at me like I was some kind of puzzle that she needed to solve. "From a hayshake? How does that even work?"

I stood up abruptly, nearly knocking over the chair, and said, "Weeeellll, it's been nice, and brunch was really good and it was real nice meeting you all, but I gotta go with Applejack to, um, go tour the town! Yeah!" I wrapped my hoof around her shoulders and yanked her out of her chair and to the door that was quickly closing in.

"Ah never said Ah was gonna-" She just stopped and looked at me, and must have gotten used to understanding what was wrong. "NOT, show you 'round town! Lemme just grab my burger. Thanks girls! It's been fun," she called out over her shoulder as I once again yanked her out the door.

"Umm, alright? Have fun you two."

Before I ran off, I went back inside, grabbed the burger, and made off with it as well.

After trotting around town for a little while, she finally turned her head toward me and said, "Yer a worse liar than I am, ya know that?"

I just sighed in response. She didn't need to know what was going on anyway. If I had said anything, I probably would have just bawled my eyes out right there. That would have been awkward.

We kept walking, and then I said, "Yeah, I know, I was scared though." I still was. Buck these wings.

"Well, what're ya so afraid of ya just had to leave brunch with me and mah friends?"

"I've already told you, I can't tell you, AJ. All you need to know right now is that I really just need to kill some time before we go talk with Twilight later." She scowled at me and grabbed my hoof with hers. Without a pause, she pulled me down an alley and through the town of Ponyville.

"AJ, what the hay are you doing? Where're we going?" I was just a tiny little absolutely terrified of what might happen. However, she just looked over at me, giving me the stink eye, trotting along the whole time. we kept going along and pretty soon we were in a park, in between some trees by a pond. I would go into detail about the scenery, but it's not that important now.

Letting go, she spun around and glared at me "Alright. What the hay is wrong with ya, or why won't ya tell me?"

Great. The ultimatum. I was prepared for this, alright, but she'd really think I was nucking buts. Ok, that sounded dirty.

"I woke up in the middle of the forest after I had fallen to death as a completely different creature from another planet and freaked out because i was a pony and had wings and hooves and crap, so I accidentally went full primal mode and scared the living Celestia out of your sister who then told you and you came and bucked me in the head, but that's not important because I'm not actually named White Skies and I'm not actually a pony but I can't tell you what I was because my new pony brain and vocabulary and body won't let me because of stupid motherbucking horseapples or something!"

...

Yeah, that would totally go over well with Applejack. Instead, I trotted closer to her so that I was right up in her face. "How about I tell you again..." I could feel her breath on my muzzle and her eyes boring into my soul and whatnot. Smells like apples... not bad...

"H-whut was that, sugarcube?" Her head jerked back and she looked confused. Wow, I said that out loud. Celestia darn it.

I stepped forward so that we were as close as could be again. "I will tell you. But not until I'm ready." My voice cracked on the last part, but I couldn't care less. After taking a shaky breath to compose myself, I continued. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go do some research. Is there a bar in town?"

"The last thing Ah think ya need is a drink, but yeah, there is. Ah can show ya to it later. Meet me back at Sugarcube Corner at seven, we'll go there together. Wanna keep ya outta' trouble. 'Course, ya may just find it anyway."

"Har har. Now, I'm going to go chat with Twilight." I turned back to the town, but stopped. "AJ?"

She turned around and looked at me, eyes somewhat red. "Thanks. For everything." She just smiled and turned back around, trotting off toward the farm.

Now, I've got a date with a bookworm, wingdings, and possibly an explanation for all this.

A/N: Hey peoples of le FiM Fictions. Sorry about the late update, but I've been having trouble transferring everything over from written to typed work(AKA lazyness). The next update may or may not be shorter than the last chapter, but it's going to be pretty over-the-top.

Also, here's some required reading for the next chapter. Mood Wings

Remember to leave feedback in the comments. Thanks.

-McMuffin

Of Hayshakes, Veggie Burgers and Crazy Winged Stallions

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