A Milking Mishap

by El Loco Loro

Rating: mature
Tags: Blossomforth, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3537

Applejack tries to lend her milking machine to the folks at Sweet Acorn Orchard. The cows, however, have something else in mind.

It's milking time for the cows at Sweet Acorn Orchard, but there's a problem; the family's milking machine is busted. Applejack is willing to lend them hers. The cows, however, hate milking machines. So what happens when a stubborn earth pony butts heads with stubborn cows over the matter? Definitely not what you'd expect.

This story was inspired by a comic from Gary Larson's The Far Side. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it to use as a thumbnail.

Edit: A very special thanks to Winter_Solstice, who found the comic and sent it to me. Of course, now you get an idea as to what happens. Thank you, Winter.

Published 2020-11-07 20:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-11-07 20:20:00 UTC

Milking Gone Wrong

“Hey Applejack! Wait up!”

Applejack was pulled from her train of thought by the voice coming from behind her, accompanied by the sound of beating wings. She slowed down her pace, not wanting to jostle the load in the cart she was pulling. She was coming to a complete halt when she heard the sound of hooves touching the ground.

“How are you, Applejack?”

The farmer turned to her visitor and saw a white pegasus with a green and cerise colored mane trotting up next to her.

“Well howdy, Blossomforth”, Applejack returned heartily. “I'm doin' fine. And you?”

“Can't complain”, she said, glancing curiously at the covered cargo in the cart. “So, what are you doing out here? This doesn't look like one of your usual delivery routes.”

This was true, and Blossomforth knew this full well. She had lived in Ponyville all her life and was well acquainted with everypony in town. She was so familiar with everypony's day to day activities, so able to guess who would do what, that she would often jokingly compare herself to Pinkie Pie. So it came as quite a surprise when she noticed the farm pony traveling a road that led her to neither Ponyville nor to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Well, you're right about that”, Applejack chuckled. “I'm actually on my way to Sweet Acorn Orchard right now.”

“Really? Why's that?” Blossomforth asked, confused.

“Well, it's getting to be milking time for the cows over there, and Pa Acorn sent word saying his milking machine was busted. He didn't know what to do, so I said I'd bring mine over.” With that said, Applejack resume her trek.

“Uh, Applejack?” Blossomforth asked, trotting up until she was in pace with the farm pony.

“Yeah?”

“I know Ma and Pa Acorn are getting old for that sort of thing, so will one of their kids be doing the milking?”

“I suppose they could”, Applejack said. “But Ma said the two of them went off to Trottingham to get a new machine.”

“So, who's going to milk the cows, then?”

“Why I am, of course”, Applejack said, plainly. “Our two orchards are the only places that have cows, so nopony else really knows how to do it.” She glanced over to Blossomforth and noticed the apprehensive look in the pegasus' eyes. “What?”

Blossomforth was silent for a moment, pondering her next words. Hesitantly, she pressed on.

“Are you sure you really want to do that?”

It was now Applejack's turn to be confused.

“Well, yeah. I just said why I was doing it. Why?”

“Um, A.J.?” Blossomforth asked nervously. “Did Ma or Pa explain how their machine got busted?”

“They said they heard a loud noise and, when they checked it out, they just found it all bent out of shape”, Applejack said, getting a little impatient. “What's that got to do with anything?”

“It's just that...well...” Blossomforth paused briefly to choose her next words. “I've always heard that the cows there are not very...cooperative when it comes to milking. They tend to get rather...difficult when it's that time.”

“So? I've dealt with cows a long time myself. Trust me, Blossom. I've had my fair share of mishaps with them, and I know how temperamental they can get sometimes.” Looking over, she could see that the pegasus wasn't convinced. “Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.”

“Would you like some help?” Blossomforth said after a brief pause. “I've got some free time on my hooves right now.”

Applejack chuckled to herself. Her stubborn streak was beginning to surface. She never had any serious problems with milking cows in all her life, and yet a pegasus who was inexperienced at milking was offering to help? Yeah right, she thought. The day she accepted help from an inexperienced pony was the day she stopped being an Apple.

“Blossom, it's mighty kind of you to offer, and I do appreciate you wanting to help. But I got this just fine. Milking cows is almost as easy as bucking apples. And, believe me, I know all there is to know about bucking apples.”

“But Applejack-”

“Blossom!” Applejack interrupted with a hint of sternness in her voice, causing Blossomforth to stall briefly in her pace. “I said I'll be fine, okay? I've done this a long time, I know what I'm doin', and I don't need any help.” She looked over at her friend. She could see that Blossomforth was torn between wanting to let go of the matter and risking another rebuke. Concerned that she might have hurt her friend's feelings, she continued with a softer tone of voice.

“I'm sorry, sugar cube. I shouldn't have yelled.” She could see Blossomforth nod in acceptance, her demeanor slightly improving. “Hey. Come up here.”

Not sure what would happen, Blossomforth quickened her pace until she was walking side by side with Applejack. Her curiosity was soon sated when she felt the farm pony sling her foreleg over her withers, pulling her in for a hug. With a small feeling of relief coursing through her, she returned the favor, draping her wing over Applejack.

“You alright?”

“Yeah”, Blossomforth said quietly. “I'm fine.”

“Glad to hear”, Applejack said, a hint of relief in her voice. “However”, she continued, removing her foreleg from her friend's withers, “I really need to get to going. Those cows ain't going to milk themselves, you know.”

“Alright, A.J.”, the pegasus chuckled, retracting her wing. “Just be careful, okay?”

“I will”, Applejack responded.

With that said, Blossomforth stepped off to the side, unfurled her wings, and took flight back to town. Despite the reconciliation they just shared, Applejack was able to catch the look of uncertainty on her friend's face. Clearly, she still wasn't all that confident in Applejack's abilities to milk cows. Applejack shook the thought from her mind and focused her attention on her mission.

'Besides', she thought. 'It's not like milking cows is all that hard. What's the worst that could happen?' She chuckled to herself as she pressed on.

※ ※ ※

Applejack sighed in relief as she crossed the threshold to Sweet Acorn Orchard. It had taken longer than she would have liked, considering the weight of the cart she was pulling, but the autumn weather at least made the journey a little more tolerable. She took the extra work in stride, however, seeing how The Running of the Leaves was only a couple of weeks away, and she wanted to make sure she was in top form for the event.

Applejack followed the path to the farmhouse, then turned onto another path which took her towards the barn, remembering that Mr. Acorn had requested that the milking machine be set up there. She glanced around as she pressed on. For a farm that hadn't been around as long as Sweet Apple Acres, she had to admit the place looked rather nice and quite prosperous. Well, not quite as nice or prosperous as Sweet Apple Acres, of course, but the sentiment still remained.

“Well howdy, Applejack.” The farm pony was pulled from her thoughts for the second time that day. “What brings you around these parts?”

Applejack found herself walking alongside the cow pen. She turned and saw a cow keeping pace with her from inside the pen.

“Oh, howdy Dolores”, Applejack said. Dolores was one of the few cows she had become acquainted with, whose company she didn't mind all that much. Cows weren't much for conversations, and they were known for having a stubborn streak much like Applejack's. “I'm just making a delivery for the Acorns.”

“Really?” Dolores chuckled, noting the covered load in the cart. “Doesn't look like an apple delivery to me.”

“It's nothing like that, Dolores”, Applejack said, snickering at the awful joke. “I'm loaning Mr. Acorn my milking machine, seeing how his got damaged a while back.”

Dolores stopped in her tracks, an apprehensive look in her eyes.

“W-what did you say it was, deary?”

The tone in her voice caused Applejack to stop and looked back at the cow.

“It's a milking machine.” Just then, the farmer took notice of the look in Dolores' eye. What was wrong with her? Applejack wondered. Why did she seem so nervous all of a sudden? “Why? What's wrong?”

“Um, A.J.” Dolores said tentatively. “I don't know how your cows feel about contraptions like that, but here we don't take too kindly to them.”

Applejack furrowed her brow in confusion.

“What are you talking about? It's just a simple milking machine. It doesn't hurt or anything.”

“Yes, Applejack, I know that”, Dolores said with a hint of impatience in her voice.

“Well, what is it then?”

“We just don't like it. We've always preferred it being done by hoof; that's how it's always been, and we'd rather it stay that way.” The cow's voice now had a hint of sternness in it, as if she was trying to warn Applejack about something.

“I'm sorry, Dolores”, Applejack said. “But the Acorns said they need my milking machine, and I'm going to lend them my milking machine.” With that, she resumed her trek towards the barn.

“Don't do it, Applejack”, Dolores called out even more sternly. “You won't like it, I guar-on-tee!” If the farmer heard her, she gave no sign.

'If that's how you want to be, fine', Dolores thought. 'Looks like we'll just have to show you too.' With a sly grin running across her face, she turned around and went to assemble the others.

※ ※ ※

Twilight stepped out into the sitting room of her castle to find out who had come to see her. Spike wasn't too helpful on the details, saying only who was there and that it was urgent. Sure enough, Blossomforth was there, but she was pacing back and forth with a nervous look on her face.

“Hi Blossomforth”, Twilight said. “What brings you by?”

The pegasus turned around and, seeing Twilight, hurriedly dashed up to the alicorn and stopping a few hoof-lengths away.

“Twilight! You have to help! I think Applejack's in trouble!”

“Whoa, whoa there, Blossom. Calm down”, Twilight said, taking a step back. “What do you mean Applejack's in trouble? What's going on? Tell me slowly.”

Blossomforth nodded, closed her eyes, and took in a few deep breaths. Once she had calmed down, she continued.

“Okay. So I saw Applejack on her way to Sweet Acorn Orchard a while ago, and she said she was taking a milking machine there for the Acorns to use since theirs was busted up.” A twinge of urgency crept up into her voice. “Twilight, they don't like the machine and, if what I heard is right, they can be very troublesome when it's milking time.”

“So, what does this have to do with Applejack being in trouble?” Twilight asked after a pause. She had so many other questions to ask, but the urgency in the pegasus' voice told her this was not the time.

“Well, after I left her, I started to get worried about what might happen, so I decided to go back and at least check up on her. Makes sense, right?” Twilight nodded. “So, when I got to the orchard, I started hearing a lot of noises coming from the barn. When I got closer to it, its doors were wide open, and I could hear things being thrown around, cows mooing, and what sounded like Applejack fighting somepony; I couldn't have gotten in myself because there were cows completely blocking the doorway. I called out to her, asking what was going on, and she shouted back for me to get help. I wanted to ask why, but it sounded really bad in there. I didn't think I could do much to help, so I flew here as fast as I could.”

Lost in thought, Twilight had begun pacing. She had never heard of anything even remotely similar to this ever happening. Sure, she had spent most of her life in Canterlot, but none of her time in Ponyville had prepared her for such an unusual occurrence. How was she supposed to respond to this? What could she even do? Sighing in frustration, Twilight turned her attention to her guest.

“Alright. I'll head over and see what I can do. Blossom, you stay here and look for Starlight Glimmer. See if she has any ideas to pacify the cows. If she does, bring her to the orchard as fast as you can.”

“Be careful, Twilight”, Blossomforth said with concern in her voice. “Those cows really don't like the milking machine, and I know they can be quite temperamental sometimes, so I can only imagine what they might be doing to Applejack right now.”

“I'll be fine”, Twilight called as she turned towards the door and ran off.

Blossomforth stood there, not entirely convinced.

“Yeah”, she said worriedly. “That's what she said.”

※ ※ ※

Twilight circled above the barn at Sweet Acorn Orchard, and she did not like the look of it one bit. She could just make out the sounds of Applejack inside the barn, sounding like she was struggling against some great force, and was losing. The doors to the barn were closed and were blocked off by about twenty cows, effectively cutting off all conventional means of entry. The looks on their faces, ranging from anger to smugness, told Twilight that a direct approach would be out of the question.

'And trying to force them from the doors won't help either', she pondered. 'That might just make things worse for Applejack.'

After a brief moment, Twilight decided that the best course of action was to teleport directly into the barn. It seemed to be the easiest solution, if not for the sounds of Applejack struggling coming from within.

'Also, there's no telling how many cows are in there, or how hostile they may get once I appear. What to do, what to do. Hmm. I got it! I'll teleport to a corner of the barn and throw up a defensive shield to protect myself. Then, I'll locate Applejack, pull her into the shield, then teleport us both out. Excellent!'

Gaining altitude, so the cows wouldn't hear her magic, Twilight flew to the far side of the barn. Once she was sure she was out of ear-shot, she lit up her horn and teleported.

Once inside, she threw up her shield and glanced around. Because the doors and windows were all shut, it was dark inside, and Twilight had to wait for her eyes to adjust. She didn't have to wait for her ears to adjust, however, as they were immediately met with the sounds of Applejack's struggling and something that sounded like...a machine running? And why were these the only sounds she was hearing? Weren't there any cows in here?

“Wha-, nngh, who's there?” Applejack's voice sounded through the diminishing darkness. Clearly, she had heard Twilight's magic over the noise.

“Applejack! It's me, Twilight!”

“Twi? Where the hay have you been?” Applejack struggled to say. “Get me outta here!”

“Take it easy, A.J.”, Twilight rebuked. “I came as fast as I could, alright? Let me help you.”

Twilight stepped towards where she heard Applejack and whatever the odd humming sound was. Her eyesight was improving in the low light, and she got a better look of her surroundings. At first, it was pretty much what Twilight would've expected to see in a barn. There were bales of hay piled up here and there, farm implements stacked up along the walls, and there was the strong smell of apples coming from the barrels she had appeared next to. Fortunately, there was not a cow to be seen. Twilight let out a sigh of relief as she dropped the shield. She really didn't want to deal with hostile cows, and definitely not in such a small, enclosed area.

As she drew closer, she saw Applejack to her left. The farm pony had been strapped to the far side of one of the support beams, facing away from her. There, in front of her, was what had to be the milking machine Blossomforth had mentioned. She had never seen one before, and never had any reason to learn about them. She briefly had time to note the power source where the humming was coming from, what appeared to be a vacuum of sorts, and several hoses which terminated at the top of a steel bucket, all situated in a portable frame.

Twilight saw that the hoses were extending from the bucket to the left of, and behind, her. She followed the hoses with her eyes and...her jaw dropped at what she saw. The hoses on this end terminated in several teat cups. Two of the cups were latched onto Applejack's teats, sucking away like there was no tomorrow. Twilight shivered at the sight. Glancing down further, her eyes went as wide as saucer plates when she saw that one of the cups was firmly wedged up Applejack's-

“Twilight!!” She was pulled from her thoughts by the farm pony's voice. “What the buck are you doing?! Don't just sit there gawkin'. Get me outta here!!”

“Oh, uh, yeah!” Twilight responded nervously. “Right. I'll, um, get you out of there.”

With as much self-control as she could muster, Twilight tore her gaze from the sight before her and turned her attention to the machine. To the left, she saw what looked like a panel just above the power source. She moved to the front of the panel to examine it, now placing Applejack to her right.

'Alright, Twilight. You can do this. So, what do we have here? That looks like a pressure gauge. That seems to indicate how full the bucket is. 20%? Really?'

“Twilight, what's taking you so long?”

'But where's the power button on this thing? Or does it have a switch somewhere? Darn it, I don't see anything like that anywhere.'

“Will you hurry it up already?”

'Wait, what's this down here? Hmm. “Pressure settings”? For what, the milking process? Wait a minute. Does this mean I can adjust the siphoning strength?'

“Uh, Twi? Why are you looking like that?”

Twilight turned her attention to the teat cups on the floor.

'Hmm, and there seems to be some more of those suction things lying around.'

“Twi? Why are you smiling like that? I don't like where this is going!”

Twilight looked back to the panel and reached up to the pressure settings slider. Curiosity getting the best of her, she slightly raised the level.

The response was immediate. Applejack's struggles intensified as the pressure on her teats increased. Her eyes clenched shut, and veins began popping around her head; it felt like the machine was going to pull her teats off at this rate. She thrashed about this way and that, hoping to somehow dislodge the cups, but the pressure kept them tightly secured. Applejack bemoaned her situation even more now. Having been forcefully hooked into the machine by those treacherous bovines was bad enough. Now, one of her closest friends was making things worse. What made it even more worse was that Twilight seemed to be enjoying it.

“Twilight!” she barely managed to strain out. “If you don't stop this right now, I'll buck you all the way from here to Tartarus!”

She opened her eyes to glare at the alicorn, hoping to accentuate her anger. However, her words seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Instead, Twilight had moved closer to her, levitating two of the teat cups, and was staring at them with the most sinister smile on her face.

“Oh, ponyfeathers.”

※ ※ ※

Blossomforth and Starlight Glimmer stood outside the barn at Sweet Acorn Orchard, listening to the cacophony of sounds coming from within. Starlight didn't have any ideas on how to help back at the castle, but she came along just in case she got some inspiration along the way. Now, however, she was at a loss for words.

The way Blossomforth described things, Starlight figured there was some kind of danger involved; she had guessed as much, judging by the grinning cows blocking off entry to the barn. What they were hearing from inside told her otherwise. She could make out the sounds of Applejack grunting and muttering a long line of profanities, while Twilight moaned loudly and letting out the occasional “Oh sweet Celestia, yes! That's it! Right there!”

“So, Starlight?” Blossomforth asked.

“Yeah?”

“What do we do now?”

The unicorn pondered this for a while. She could have easily teleported inside herself, but the sounds she was hearing told her more than she wanted to know. Like Twilight, she could have forced her way past, but this seemed a little harsh; she didn't like the thought of potentially harming a bunch of cows.

In the end, Starlight sat down with a sigh and magicked two red and white containers, holding one out to the pegasus.

“Popcorn?”

Author's Note

I'm not a farmer, so I don't have any real knowledge on the layout of a typical milking machine, or how they specifically work. So if you're going to comment on it, please be gentle.